Latest / UNCOACHED / Helping Young Athletes Build Confidence, Emotional Intelligence, and Mental Strength
Transcript
- Brad: Welcome to Uncoached, a podcast for volunteer coaches and parents figuring out youth sports as we go. Each episode, we keep things simple, five questions that talk about practical insights you can actually use with your youth athletes. Today's guest is Libby Triolo. Libby is a performance coach who's passionate about helping athletes strengthen the part of the game that we often overlook, the mental and the emotional side. Through her work with athletes, parents, and coaches, she helps young people build confidence, manage those emotions, and then develop the self-awareness needed to handle both success and setbacks. Today, we're gonna dive into how adults can create a healthier environment for their young athletes, and why developing emotional skills might just be as important as developing the athletic ones. So Libby, thanks so much for being here today. I really appreciate you taking time to join the conversation. Would you do me a favor and just introduce yourself and, and share some of your background with the listeners? Libby Triolo: Sure. Thank you for having me. I'm, I love podcasting, so this is always so fun. A little change up in my day. But, Brad: Good Libby Triolo: um, yeah, I was a competitive soccer player growing up. I pla- I basically played anything my parents would let me sign up for. Um, but soccer was my main sport, so I loved just having exposure to teams, and I was obsessed, and I don't think I went a day without playing. Um, but I look back now and I realize how much of a anxious athlete I was. consumed by performance anxiety and, and self-doubt, and I think you could tell and other times you couldn't. Um, but now I see it from a lens of n- you know, being older and wiser, and, um, just nobody knew, right? Nobody knew the signs to look out for for me or had real solutions for me other than to, like, just get over it or just try or keep your head in the game, and I'm, here to kinda help kids and adults have real solutions to that. Brad: For sure. No, that's perfect. And, and you're... So you grew up playing soccer, you're a mental performance coach now. I think you're also involved in s- in a lot of the hockey world too. Is that correct? Libby Triolo: I am, yeah. I wasn't a hockey player growing up, but my cousins played. Um, and then my husband and I were billet parents for a junior hockey team. So kind of along the lines, I started in, like, more clinical mental health and then kind of evolved into mental performance coaching and then just kind of by chance, hockey became kind of my initial niche, um, just 'cause of exposure. You know, I had these teenage young men living in our basement, and I kept seeing the same kind of things I struggled with that were showing up for them on the ice, so it just happened that way. Um, now I work with athletes of all different sports and, and all of that. But yeah, I just kinda like happened into hockey, Brad: maybe this is me just not being very smart, but I grew up playing hockey. That's the first time I'd ever heard that term before. So like just briefly explain what a billet parent is. We're not gonna jump into that as content, but I think it's such a cool thing because Libby Triolo: Yeah Brad: hear about kids that will, you know, move to Canada, and they live there for a little bit just so that they can play in that environment. Maybe give me a little bit of background, 'cause I think it's very unique Libby Triolo: Yeah, so I don't-- same for me. I don't remember recalling, like, or recall this happening with, like, my cousins or his, or his teammates. But it's basically your host family. So you take in a player, um, and m-more youth teams are doing this now, which is, we can... That's a whole other Brad: Yeah Libby Triolo: to kinda get into. But, um, what we billeted for was, um, junior hockey. So they're as young as sixteen, but typically they're in that seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, um, and then twenty-year-olds are, who age out. So by the time they're turning twenty-one, they can no longer play in juniors. They go on to college or do whatever. But, um, so we are basically their home away from home. They have, space, a room in their, in our basement, and we provide meals, and we go to their games, and we are just kind of their family away from their family. Um, it's a great experience. We had a, we had, we were in a startup team. Um, so we had six players over two years just with trades and going to Brad: Wow Libby Triolo: and, and things like that. Um, and the first year we only had one kid, and then the second year we hosted two, and it was pretty fun to have two players at the same time. But they're basically just like surrogate older brothers for your, for your kids and, you know, you get to be kind of their sounding board. That often happened at the dinner table, like struggling with Brad: Yeah Libby Triolo: time and were they gonna make the cut, you know, in the beginning of the season and, and what that looks like and team dynamics and being away from home. Um, but yeah, being a billet family was super fun, such a rewarding experience. Um, but yeah, now they're doing it younger and younger. Like, one of our billets, he had been away from home since he was, like, thirteen, fourteen Brad: Oh, that's crazy to me. But yeah. Libby Triolo: yeah, me, me too. You know, and I think it's just, like, people who grow up in more of, like, the Midwest or definitely, like, the northern Midwest, like Minnesota, all of those areas, like, youth hockey is big there, right? You have a lot of opportunities locally. But if you grow up in some of these, like, hockey deserts, you kinda, like, if you have the talent, sometimes you have to move. Um, and if your whole family's not willing to move, then sometimes you just as the player move. Brad: Yeah. S- such a unique thing. I, w- we will maybe come back to this in a different show, 'cause, 'cause it's unique and I think it's really cool. So love, love hearing about that, and maybe that's, uh, something we can tap into later. Libby Triolo: Oh, totally Brad: But to jump into, like, your, your wheelhouse here, you know, a lot of parents and coaches spend a lot of time teaching the physical skills, but I don't know that we often take enough time to, to talk about emotions really, and the emotional tell- intelligence that's needed. Um, so if, if emotional intelligence was treated like another physical skill that somebody needed to practice, what's that actually look like for, you know, maybe speak to a coach or, uh, you know, a parent that might be trying to instill those things in a youth athlete? Libby Triolo: Yeah. I mean, I think we, we unintentionally just think that, like, emotional awareness, emotional intelligence is just something that kids have, right? Brad: Right Libby Triolo: Um, I think we just as- make kinda that assumption, and they should be able to manage those things. And there's kids that are almost... You know, we assume there's, like, natural talent levels with that, right? Some kids are just better emotional managers than others. Um, and the reality is it's like, it's a skill for everybody, right? I know plenty of adults that struggle with Brad: Of course Libby Triolo: regulation and, and that, uh, intelligence. So when we spend all this time focused in on the, the physical attributes of the game or, or learning the, the sport IQ, um, the mental part of it, the confidence, the internal world of an athlete can kinda sometimes fall behind, right? Especially when you get a talented athlete that then there's a lot of pressure and other things that they now have to manage and deal with, um, and sometimes they just have inadequate skills. Um, but I really mu- I very much see emotional intelligence and these skills as trainable, right? Like, you're gonna have different levels from each kid of their natural ability, um, and then you can train the rest, right? So if it was treated like another skill, we should be practicing it like any other skill. Brad: Yeah, and, and like by practice it... Here's, here's how I practice it, and maybe you can tell me if this is a good way to do it or not. Libby Triolo: Yeah Brad: a lot of kids deal with a lot of frustration. Let's use, just use frustration as an example, right? Libby Triolo: Yeah. Brad: that, that can lead to a lot of different things, just simply being frustrated. Um, I try to let that frustration just be there and not jump all over it right away and say, "Hey, don't be frustrated," 'cause I feel like that's probably one of the worst things you could say is, "Don't be frustrated," when somebody's frustrated 'cause it's just gonna balloon and, and snowball into things, right? So Libby Triolo: Right Brad: I- it's m- maybe it's too simplistic, but that's just my approach. If somebody's frustrated, I'm gonna give them the space and the opportunity to be frustrated. Maybe we'll ch- chat about it later, but in the moment, let it be there for a second. What do you think about that? Libby Triolo: Yes, I think there is... That is such a g- I would rather that than telling them to get over it, right? 100% of the time. Because the, the emotion is, is part of it. It's part of living, right? And part of my philosophy around mental performance, emotional intelligence, is that I would never coach you to get rid of a certain emotion, anger, frustration, anxiety, whatever it is, because, one, you're setting yourself up for failure. You will never Brad: Right Libby Triolo: from your life, and I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever want you to. Right? All of these emotions serve a purpose. We just don't want them to be in the driver's seat. Right? The emotional experience is there for a reason. It tells us a lot of information. have to learn to decipher that information, channel it into solutions, versus it letting it either shut us down and, and do nothing or it in the driver's seat and have it dictate our behavior and our reactions. Um, so I think as a coach, as a parent, like, let your kid a little bit, right? Like, let them feel that. now you're teaching them that emotions are, even though they're uncomfortable, it's okay, right? It's okay to have them. Um, that, I love that. I Brad: Yeah Libby Triolo: next step of that then becomes, like, you being as the adult the scenario them what to do with it, Brad: Okay. Libby Triolo: right? Brad: Yeah Libby Triolo: them the space. Yes, give them the space to feel it, because now we've learned that emotions are okay. Now, the second step is, okay, what do I do when I feel that way, right? And so that's where it comes into, like, the coaching aspect of it, of like, how do I help them channel that into a reset or into behavior, right? I'm frustrated that, hypothetically, I keep striking out. All right, what am I gonna do about it, How do I take that frustration and say, "Okay, what are, what am I doing that is leading to this outcome? do I channel that into a process that helps me train and alleviate that frustration to have better outcomes?" Brad: Yeah, I, makes complete sense. I think, I think maybe some folks are good at giving the space, but I think where folks could probably learn from you, and, and this conversation's great, is taking it that step forward and knowing how to teach them how to deal with that as well. You know, 'cause... And, and like you said, I mean, there's adults that struggle with this, so it's, it's not an, it's not an easy thing. It's not as easy as teaching somebody how to kick a soccer ball, So it's like, what's the reset that's gonna work for that child? It requires you to know that kid pretty well and have a conversation and understand what makes them tick and what doesn't, and try to figure out what that refresh might be or that reset opportunity. So great, great piece. And, and I love your analogy of in the driver's seat or not, because all of these things, these emotions that you're having, they're like you, like you said, they're, they're influences. They're in- they're inputs into what's happening, and it's how you're using that information, you know, to ultimately make yourself better, make, make good decisions, whatever, whatever that might be Libby Triolo: Yeah, I think it, it, and I think as you're learning to do this, and as you're teaching athletes to do this, the lens becomes less, less judgment, more curiosity, right? uh, if we t- judge our feeling or whatever it might be, then we- we're... It's a distraction, right? It's more curious. All right, what about that is so frustrating for me, right? Is it the frustration because in practice I can do this, and in the game I can't? Right? Or, or what is it? Or is it like, oh, am I... Is there something off with my technique, right? Like, so it's more about the curiosity than it is the judgment. And I think as a coach, as a parent, it's asking the questions and getting the kid, the athlete to steer that conversation versus them what to do Brad: Yeah, for sure. I- the, the way you're putting it, curiosity is great because I think that relates to the physical side too, because you want kids to have the curiosity to try new things without a fear of being, uh, ridiculed or told that they're doing something wrong if they happen to make a mistake, 'cause you want kids to make a mistake and you want that curiosity. So I think it's great way to put, great way to place it. Libby Triolo: Yes Brad: I would say one of the hardest things for adults is knowing, especially around, like, uh, the game situation, is knowing when to step in after a bad game and when to kind of stay quiet. We've talked about this a little bit, but how can parents and coaches recognize what an athlete actually needs in those emotional moments, and know when to be quiet, when to give advice, maybe when just to give a hug. You know, are there some tips or tricks that you might have that help us out? Libby Triolo: Absolutely. I mean, I always tell parents that in this scenario, timing matters almost more than message, right? So right after a tough game or a big mi- like, a mistake, right? Like, the emotional part of your brain is kinda driving the bus, right? Brad: Yeah Libby Triolo: or you're angry, or you're any of those things, right? So that is not the time. We're no longer plugged into the, our, the prefrontal cortex, like the decision, rational part of our brain, right? If we're gonna use some neuroscience here. So that's not when they're prepared for analysis or coaching or problem-solving. So, and I tell this to parents and coaches, right? This is something a coach can take, too, of like, your player messes up. Like, yes, they need the feedback. They need the accountability. They need the coaching. When they're dysregulated, it's going in one ear and out the other, Brad: Hmm Libby Triolo: They're not hearing you. So that's where you see a lot of frustration from the adult lens of like, "I've explained this to you. I've taught you this." And it's like, well, at what point did you teach it? Because if you're teaching it when they're, uh, highly emotional, they're not retaining Brad: Right. Yeah. Makes- yeah, absolutely Libby Triolo: that's a big part of it, right? So we wanna create And, and I get some pushback from like... And I grew up in the sport culture of like just grit and grin and bear it and just do it. But like, we have to ul- ultimately create this like emotional safety first. And I'm not saying to coddle kids, and I'm not saying to reduce standards or expectations, but when we feel emotionally in control and safe, then we can make decisions, and we can be more coachable. So if a kid-- And like you said, like we want them to feel safe making mistakes. That's how they learn. Often, the message that is told is like, "Mistakes are unsafe." So we need to create the environment where mistakes and emotions safe, right? So instead of asking something like in that analysis piece, it's like, "Why'd you do that?" It's like, try leading more so with like, "How are you feeling? What led you to feel like that? What was the most..." They named frustration as the feeling. "What was the most frustrating part of that for you?" Right? Brad: Yeah Libby Triolo: And ask them. Like our, uh, kids are s... We give-- We don't give them enough credit a lot of the time, but like ask them what they need from you. "What do you need from me right now?" Like you said, "Do you just need a hug? Do you just need to put in your headphones and like decompress for a few minutes?" Or, you know, the ride home, "Can we, should we go grab something to eat, and we don't talk about sport at all?" Right? Let the kid drive it. Like, these kids can tell you if they're in the space to hear it or not. It's you as the adult listening to that response Brad: Yeah. Libby Triolo: and accepting that response Brad: for sure. Libby Triolo: as part of it. Brad: I feel Libby Triolo: once the emotions settle, then you can have the productive conversation, the feedback, the critique. But in that moment, you're just putting gasoline on a fire Brad: Yeah, and I think if you're really paying attention during that conversation too, you can, as an adult, you can understand when things are clicking for a kid and when they're not. Um, it's just a different response. You get the head nods, you get the, "I, I totally get it," right? They're a little bit more, um, focused on that conversation, and I'm feeling a little bit of shame because I've been that coach before that said, "Hey, we've done this a million times. Why, why are you not doing it this way?" Like, I f- I feel, like I've done the things that you're saying here and it, it feels not great, you know, to, to hear that. Because I think you're, you're right on and it's just like when you're in the heat of that moment, you're an adult, they're a kid, and you're like, "We've worked on this every practice. Why are we doing this still?" And you're like, "That's just not the right approach." Libby Triolo: And again, I think the huge, the biggest part of this is, like, the intent versus the impact. Nobody's going around trying to, like, stir kids up and make them, like, afraid of mis... Like, Brad: Right Libby Triolo: not the intent from anybody. But again, uh, it's, it's skills. It's comfortable, comfortability with, like, having these conversations and, like, I think so much of, like, sport culture was so much of, like, mental toughness meant no emotion to it unless it was, like, Brad: Of course. Yeah. Right. Yeah Libby Triolo: Um, and that screwed up a lot of us, right? It... As youth athletes, as we've now bloomed into being parents and coaches ourselves, like, messages are kind of ingrained. And so you're, nobody's, nobody went to, not every coach went to get master's degrees in counseling and has all this, like... And, and I wouldn't expect that, right? And so really, I think as the coach, as the parent, you have to kind of slow down and ask yourself, like, "What's my intent right now, and is that the impact that's landing for this athlete Brad: Yeah, for sure Libby Triolo: or my kid?" Whatever it is. Brad: Yeah. And a, a second ago you talked about kids having a little bit of self-awareness 'cause, you know, they kind of know what's going on internally, and if you tap into that, you can get a good indication of where they're at. Um, but if, if a youn- if a young athlete wanted to become more self-aware or really try to understand those signals themselves, what are a few simple habits that they could build that would help them kind of mentally be stronger over the course of a season and identify a little bit better some of that self-awareness? Libby Triolo: Yeah. I mean, for me, self-awareness is like one of the foundations, the cornerstones of every other mental skill, right? I have to be really honest with where I am and what I'm-- where I'm at emotionally, mentally, physically to create goals, to move forward, right? So habit that is, is really quite simple and something you can do like every after every practice, after every day, after games, whatever it is, but, um, if it takes two minutes after a practice or a game to ask yourself like three questions, right? Like, what went well today? What challenged me today? And then what's something I need to focus on next time? Right? So, you know, is it, is it something like, "Oh, this went really well today. I need to make sure I replicate that the next time." Or, "Today was a really challenging day. What do I need to do that I need to focus on tomorrow at practice that's going to help to alleviate challenge for me in the next game?" And I think that's like it's super simple, right? There is a lot to be said about writing things down, right? Like you-- I always encourage my athletes. Do I love that it's m- on technology? Not always, right? But like we gotta meet them where they Brad: That's right. Yeah Libby Triolo: whether it's the notes app in your phone or keeping a paper notebook, but like putting your mental world into the physical world, being able to see it and sort through it and track it in that way is, is therapeutic in itself. And so I think I always encourage like keeping a record of that, whether it's or hand and paper. Brad: Yeah, that's such a cool idea. You've got me thinking about a, a, a couple of different things. The first thing I think is you're talking about self-awareness and having honesty with that. I think as a, you know, I'm put my, uh, coach hat on, to have that conversation with the team and say, "Hey, I, I want to open this up, and I want you to be honest with me about how you're feeling. So if I ask you and you- I can tell something's going on, I want you to be transparent with me and just tell me. Like, you can be mad at me. I'm the coach. You can be mad at me, and that's okay. But I want to know where we're at and what's going on so that I can help you improve a little bit." And I think maybe on the adult side, that's, that can help them gauge and, and build that, you know, opportunity to be self-aware if you give them the opportunity to, to just be transparent. Libby Triolo: And I think on the coaching lens from that, right, is kids are always watching. Brad: Yeah Libby Triolo: model that, right? Like you get frustrated at a call, the way that you show up dictates how the kids are going to show Brad: Yeah Libby Triolo: In a different frustrating situation. You are frustrated that you've explained this drill seventeen times, and they're still doing it wrong. Like, "I'm frustrated. It sounds like you guys aren't listening. Like what, what-- Help me understand the disconnect." that. Talk about how you're feeling and why you're feeling, and help pro-- like almost like problem solve because they're picking up on that. They-- You've now created that this environment is a place that we can do that, and you're showing them how to do it, which is, I think, super impactful, Brad: Absolutely Libby Triolo: sometimes more than telling them how to do it Brad: I couldn't agree more. I mean, I, I talk a couple of different ways about this, but it's definitely how you show up as a coach that can set the tone, not only for your players, but if you're at a game, it sets a tone for the parents, for your interactions with the referee or the umpire. Like, the way you hold yourself, even your non-verbal cues, um, they just matter a ton. You know, you don't wanna see a kid watch you frown or, or huff and puff on the sideline if something doesn't go your way. It just, Libby Triolo: like, like the, the head drop and shake? Brad: right, yeah. They, they know, they, they're watching, like you said. Everyone, everyone is watching, and so it's just you have to be very, very careful, I think Libby Triolo: Well, and I think like along the lines of like, you know, body language, like another skill kids can use is like you start to really pay attention to your physical cues. So often, like confidence levels, anxiety, frustration, those emotions are gonna show up in your body before they show up in your performance, And so the earlier you can teach athletes to recognize those signals, the more control they're gonna have about that self-awareness and then how they respond going forward, Brad: Yep Libby Triolo: And so I always tell athletes, like, "I can watch you, and you don't even have to say a word to me, and I'll... I can understand like where you are in terms of like your confidence level, your anxiety, how you regulate emotions. I could watch you from across the field, and I could probably tell you Brad: Yeah, Libby Triolo: you're at." Brad: 100%. Libby Triolo: is speaking volumes. Brad: Absolutely. I, I couldn't agree more. Yeah. A- as a, as a coach, I mean, even, even when you watch the professional games, you can tell kind of what's going on with that. Um, we just got out of the World Cup, but you can definitely tell a lot of stuff that's going on there emotionally, like where players are at, w- where their frustration level's at, and things like that. S- Libby Triolo: Yeah Brad: I want to... I do want to flip a little bit. We've been talking a- about frustration. I do want to talk about confidence a little bit and, and pressure. And so I think there's a lot of people that talk about being confident, and they'll, they'll say, "Hey, be confident," or, "Hey, you just need to work on your confidence, and you'll be so much better." But I think that that has resulted in so many athletes feeling like they're supposed to feel confident all the time. And so my question to you is, is confidence actually the goal that we should be driving, or are there some other mental skills that matter along the way, or maybe even more, um, that we should be building up in athletes, especially when some of the pressure of various situations come up? Libby Triolo: Yeah. Uh, I personally think that confidence gets way too much attention, Brad: Mm-hmm. Libby Triolo: if I'm Brad: Okay Libby Triolo: I, I, I do. Because I think that athletes are gonna perform more consistently. they're not always the ones that appear the most confident, right? Like, that's not always synonymous. So really the kids that are the most confident are the best at responding, right? They are adaptable. Um, pressure's gonna create nerves, pressure's gonna create mistakes, and confidence is gonna fluctuate, and that's the point, right? Like, you don't walk around telling somebody that the goal of life is to be happy every single minute of every single Brad: Right. Libby Triolo: Like, you're ne- that's not, that's not realistic. so when you create that kind of expectation, now you're creating an environment where kids are like, "Well, that guy looks confident. I don't really feel like he plays at my level, but he looks confident." And then I'm starting... Now I've messed with my head because he looks confident, right? So what we want to do is create athletes that have a, an ability to recover. And create, you create confidence with reps, practicing recovering from mistakes. And you can't create that without the mistakes, right? So I tell my athletes all the time, "I don't want you chasing confidence. you to build a response." Right? That's ingrained. That's a process. That's something you can rely on. 'Cause oftentimes confidence gets linked to outcome. "I'm confident because my stats are this, this, and this. I'm confident because I'm on a team Brad: Right Libby Triolo: wins a lot. I'm confident because of, you know, all of these outcome-based scenarios." And when those go away, so does your confidence, right? If you're tying confidence to outcomes, if outcomes go away, you're in a slump. on a team that isn't doing great this season. Like, we can't lose an entire season worth of your sport feeling so down in the dumps or doubtful of yourself because you've tied your confidence to outcomes. So want you to tie it to your ability to move on. So if you can recover from mistakes, then the confidence becomes a by-product of that. you're constantly looking at, "I can make a mistake, and I can move forward. I can have a bad game, and I can problem solve and be really intentional at practice the next day." That's what I want, recovery. that, I think, doesn't get as much attention as, like, confidence Brad: Uh, a- and when they do recover, that is a small win that's going to result in some confidence, right? S- so ins- Libby Triolo: Exactly Brad: instead of the stat that they're trying to get, you know, maybe, maybe originally trying to get, if they're building themselves on recovery and then that situation arises and they recover and they successfully do it, then boom, they're just generating that confidence as well. So it does, it is a good foundational thing. I, I really like that a lot. I'm gonna steal it with my team. Libby Triolo: Should. I think you definitely should. Brad: Yeah Libby Triolo: I mean, and that's the thing is like, I think your con- your athletes aren't, don't have low confidence, they just have low exposure to recovery and resilience, right? Like, a lot of the time it's like you build that confidence through the rep of failure or mistake, and then I bounce back. like, I, I just think we've created this sports culture where it's like so outcome focused, and you've got elite athletes at nine years old and all of these things, and it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, like, let's bring it back to the process of this. And, and showing kids... Like, I can't tell you the number of 12-year-olds I've talked to that think they have to play every single game perfectly, and I'm like, "Have you watched a professional game?" Brad: Right. Right Libby Triolo: "Have you not seen your favorite athlete totally screw up Brad: Yeah Libby Triolo: in pivotal moments?" They don't see that as failure, but you do that in your game, and now you're a failure, and that mistake has now dictated not just that ten-second period, but the next 10 minutes, if not more, of your performance. Brad: Yeah. And, and newsflash, parents and coaches think about it the same way, Libby Triolo: that. Brad: 'cause the pros are messing up just as much, you know, and you're talking about kids versus people that are at the top of their game. That's right. Libby Triolo: Yeah, Brad: yeah. Messi misses a, a penalty kick, right? It happens. It happens. Libby Triolo: Yeah, absolutely Brad: So, you are in this wheelhouse of mental performance and emotions, and we're talking about youth here. Obviously there's an emotional rollercoaster when it comes to, to kids of almost any age. Um, but for parents and coaches too. So how can adults create an environment where athletes actually feel safe to learn and make the mistakes? We're talking about, you know, providing that opportunity 'cause it's gonna build so many things. But like how... Maybe there's some tangible things we can talk about where, let's say, a coach can create an environment that helps them create that, um, m- mistake opportunity. Libby Triolo: Or, yeah, I m- and I think, again, this comes back, I said this earlier, but, like, your intention versus your impact, right? Like, th-they... Parents, coaches, you all have the greatest intentions. You see the, the potential in your team, in your kid, whoever it is. But our reactions often say something different, right? Our reactions are of-often the thing that our kids see as like, "Oh, well, mistakes are wrong," or, "Mistakes are not safe to make." Um, and then you're just brewing this performance anxiety, right? Which then puts a cap or a limit on your kid or your team's potential because now instead of playing the game, they're playing to not make mistakes versus playing to perform, if that makes sense. So, you know, we don't want every car ride home or mistake between innings or periods or whatever to become, like, a performance review. That's not the time or the place for that, right? we can't... We gotta give the space. So I would say the best way to do it is just praise them on the process and how they're responding, right? If an athlete messes up and their response is to, like, blow up at a ref or throw equipment or something, like, yeah, we should be intervening, and we should be coaching in that moment, right? Like, that's not... We're not... That's not how we respond. We need to help them regulate, and then we need to coach. But when we don't really ever praise kids when they recover quickly, right? Brad: Right Libby Triolo: they made a mistake, and then ten seconds later, they're back in position. They fought hard to, you know, back check or whatever it is. We don't... Those are the moments that get missed don't get praised, And so, you know, evaluating the performance based on prog- the process versus the outcome. And so, like, framing it in that way of like, "Did you... I saw you make this mistake, and you worked your butt off to recover from it in this way." Or, "I saw you got frustrated that you, you know, struck out at that at bat, like, but I saw you take a deep breath. You walked back to the, like, the dugout, and you were, like, s- a great teammate," right? Whatever it might be, but we g- if you want behavior to c-continue to increase and see more of that behavior, you have to reinforce that behavior. so that's where I think you have to, as, as a coach and a parent, pick out, pick out the things you're looking to see in your athlete that aren't outcomes and then reinforce when you see it from them. Brad: Yeah Libby Triolo: Um, and even if they take a risk or make a mistake and it doesn't work out, sometimes we have to praise that too because we want creative We want athletes that don't just play it safe all the time. So sometimes make a mistake, it didn't pan out, but I see what you were doing there, and I, I like the creativity or whatever it is that you want to point out. Brad: For sure. T- trying a, trying a different aggressive, uh, attack or, you know, a move that they've been working on or a pass that would've been really cool if it would've gone through. But like, hey, good thought process, it just didn't work out that time Libby Triolo: So I think as parents and coaches, I think a lot of the time sometimes y-you have to like dial it back to like the bigger picture, right? 'Cause it's easy to hone in on that moment of mistake versus if I zoom out, like I could see their perspective. 'Cause a lot of the times when it comes to coaching too, I've noticed this as I work with more teams and coaches, is like when an athlete makes a mistake, right, they... You wanted them to pass over here, and they, they went another direction, or they kept it on their, you know, they kept the ball with them or whatever. It's usually a difference of perspective, not a diff... like, not a diff- like a difference in skill level, right? Where they were on the field provided a different level of perspective than you, and an experience level than you as the coach. And so as you're coaching those mistakes, it's like maybe ask, again, that curiosity, "What did you see there? What made you think that that was the way you wanted to go with the ball?" Or, or whatever it might, you know, whatever sport you might be looking at. But that's how you coach. That's how you coach kids to be, get the true sport IQ versus memorizing plays, versus feeling like, "Oh, this is how I have to play this scenario every single time." Brad: Yeah, I, I, and I would, I would add too As a coach, have that conversation with the parents too early in the season, pre-season, before the season gets started, that this is how you're approaching mistakes, and you would hope that they reflect that as well so they're not yelling from the sidelines or, you know, talking about these things, uh, in the car as mistakes. They're opportunities, um, you know, to get better and to make better decisions Libby Triolo: Yeah, I think that's a huge piece is like, as much as you obviously can't control every parent on your team, Brad: Yeah Libby Triolo: having, trying to create that environment of alignment between coaching and parenting because I, I remember there were moments when like my dad would say something and I'm like, "That's not what my coach wants me to do." And that, that created frustration, right? And that created conflict and tension between me and him, um, when it was unnecessary. It was like just, you know, let my coach be my coach and like kinda have that you hold the parents to as much as the players. Brad: for sure. Libby Triolo: Yeah Brad: So we, so o- on the podcast here, I like to do five questions, but I always slip in a bonus one. I think this one might, you know, be a, a fairly quick and easy one. I've got an answer that I wanna give too, because there's some pet peeves that I've got, but I, l- I wanna hear yours first. So if you could eliminate any one s- specific phrase from youth sports forever, what would it be? Libby Triolo: Oh, um, I would say my biggest one is just move on. Brad: Okay Libby Triolo: Because it's not that it's bad advice, but it's incomplete advice. Because like we've talked about this whole time, yes, that is the goal is to move on, but we don't teach kids how to get from A to B, And so when you tell an athlete, "Just move on," they're like, "Cool, but how?" Brad: Yeah. Libby Triolo: Like, Brad: Yeah Libby Triolo: "I would love to. I would love to not ruminate on that mistake, but how do I do that?" So, you know, they would love to do that, but they- have to show them the way, right? Some athletes have really short memories, and that's, again, we're looking at different spectrums of, of avail- available skill when it comes to confidence, mental performance, moving on. So teaching all your athletes as like almost a rule of thumb for your team, right, how to move on. So instead of saying, "Just move on," I would say, "What's your reset?" Because your have to have their... What works for one athlete to reset is not gonna be the same, but they should all have a reset, right? so it, then it the focus from just like bypassing the mistake or the emotion to what am I gonna do about it, right? So we need to have a strategy. I like a three-step res- routine. It's super quick. It's easy. It's like three to five seconds. You take a deep breath. give yourself a physical cue that might be dependent on your sport, like is it a stick tap, or you clap your hands, or you wipe your hands on your... Brad: Sure. Yeah. Libby Triolo: what it Brad: Yeah Libby Triolo: And then you give yourself a verbal prompt like, "I got this," or, "That's done," or any tor- sort- turn of phrase that you feel like is motivating. It's quick. It's easy. It's like we just want that. So we want to shift that to the reset versus just move on. Brad: Yeah. I, I like that a lot. Um, I think there's probably a common theme between some of the phrases that make me cringe a little bit and, and what you're saying here, 'cause it's definitely the open-ended phrases that you're like, "Okay, cool. Yeah, I'd love to be aggressive. What, what do you mean?" Or, "Be confident." Sure. Who doesn't want to be confident and show up confident? So my- mine is... A- a- and it's, it's a well-meaning phrase, but when, when I'm at a baseball game and somebody says, "Be a hitter," it just makes me cringe because I'm just like, "Yeah, no, no kidding. They want to hit the ball, but what, what does that mean? Like, what are you trying to tell them when you say be a hitter?" I get you want them to be aggressive, you want to look for a pitch that they can hit, but maybe there's something better that we could say than be a hitter, 'cause they're trying, and let's say they don't hit the ball, so now they're not a hitter, Libby Triolo: what now what? Now they're not a hitter, right? Brad: Yeah. So it's like... Libby Triolo: always the one I, I think about with, like, any sport, Brad: Yeah. Libby Triolo: I'm like, okay, but, like, w- what hap- we gotta set the expectation that if they don't do that, then now they're not a failure, right? Brad: Exactly, yeah Libby Triolo: there's elements of the game they cannot control, you know? Like, or I- I've had parents who are like, "Well, they're a goal scorer." And I'm like, "Okay, well, now their identity is tied to scoring Brad: Right Libby Triolo: So what happens when they're on a team where it's a really high-skilled team, but they're not on the first line anymore or the second line, and they're not scoring as many goals? What do you think happens to their Brad: Yeah, right. Libby Triolo: Tanks, Brad: are they? Yeah, who, who are they now? You know? Libby Triolo: they Brad: Yeah Libby Triolo: so yeah, I... That's a, that's a good one, right? Like, those ones that are tied to, and we're not explaining them to kids. Brad: for sure Libby Triolo: But they run rampant because, like, everybody's shouting that at people, and you're like, Brad: Stop. Libby Triolo: okay, Brad: stop. Yeah. Yeah Libby Triolo: Please stop. Please stop." Yeah. Absolutely Brad: All right. So Libby, this was an awesome conversation. I am very much looking forward to having you come back. We can talk about being a, a ballet parent and some of the other, um, things that we maybe didn't get into in this, in this short amount of time. But I just wanna say thanks for your time. I appreciate it. Fantastic approach to things. I love the way that you talk about mental performance and the emotional side of things. So thank you again. If you would do me a favor, uh, I want other people to benefit from hearing from, um, some of your other content areas. Would you mind sharing with us where we can find more of you? Libby Triolo: Heard. Um, you can follow me on Instagram, Libby Triolo Coaching. Um, I've been really slacking on social media this summer because life is crazy, and we have a nine-month-old and a four-year-old, so. But I usually post a decent amount on there. Um, and you can message me on there if you have questions. Um, I also have my website, libbytriolocoaching.com. Um, and any coaches out there that are interested in incorporating mental performance into their practices and their team culture, um, I just developed a hockey version of this, but it's all for coaches. It's a community, um, and a guide for you to create these cultures that I'm talking about. Um, the baseball one is, is close to being done. I just have a little bit left. Um, but if you're any-- if you're a coach in a sport, um, I'm looking for partner coaches that will review it and look at the drill accessibility, um, 'cause obviously I, I know soccer and, but I don't know all the sports. So, um, I'm looking for some beta testers if you're interested and you have a sport that is not hockey or baseball. Um, so let me know. I'd be happy to partner with you Brad: Fantastic. I, and yes, I highly encourage everyone to give Libby a look. Um, check out all the things and the resources that she mentioned there. And if this episode helped you, share it with another coach or parent who's figuring it out, too. You can find Uncoached and this episode wherever you listen to podcasts. You can watch the episode on YouTube, and make sure to follow The Coaching Dad on Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook. We'll see you next time on Uncoached.