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Transcript

Elena Beltran - Standup comedy · Comedy Central Stand-Up

• 0:02
  Comedy Central Podcast. How nice? Thank you very much, thank you very
• 0:19
  much, so glad to see that you are also me. The truth is
• 0:21
  I' m pretty good, even though a few weeks ago I found out
• 0:25
  that a guy I hooked up with is now screeching thanks for the empathy.
• 0:32
  Yeah, pretty frightful. I discovered the situation because the guy put up a
• 0:37
  story about Whatsapp, that is, in Whatsapp he didn' t put up
• 0:40
  a photo in which he saw a priest ordering madness. I don' t
• 0:43
  know if you know what it' s like to put your hands on his
• 0:45
  head. Yeah, and I thought oysters, that priest has his hands where
• 0:50
  one day I had my hands. Yeah, that priest and I made a
• 0:57
  high fife through this guy' s head. I' m pretty excited about
• 1:03
  it, but it' s true when we go to bed. He wasn
• 1:06
  ' t a priest. He wasn' t a priest. He was the
• 1:08
  seminarian. Yeah, I know that as an excuse, it' s not
• 1:12
  very good. It' s a flag net my friends didn' t think
• 1:15
  I' d have to be warned by a seminarian. In case someone doesn
• 1:19
  ' t know a priest' s student. I like to think that I
• 1:21
  have mounted myself on a priest with an I Yes, now I laugh,
• 1:29
  now I laugh, but when I discovered it it was not funny. Hey,
• 1:32
  it wasn' t funny. When, in fact, I saw him
• 1:34
  in the picture and thought my mother, I can' t believe they laughed
• 1:38
  at me with a guy who was their Whatsapp stories that didn' t embarrass
• 1:42
  me. Okay, now that it' s open to you, my heart
• 1:47
  ' s a little open, I want to ask you something. You know
• 1:49
  what Android' s hidden folders are. There' s no perverts in the
• 1:53
  room. Apart from me. Okay, okay, it' s okay.
• 1:57
  They are folders inside the ga mobile where you can save the photos protected by
• 2:01
  a pattern, by a code worth I see faces nodding yes, the same
• 2:07
  is the folder that you call the one of the photococks. Maybe I don
• 2:09
  ' t know, I don' t know. I don' t know.
• 2:21
  I recently discovered them because a little while ago I had some kind of
• 2:27
  TS, some kind of TS. It' s a TS. But when
• 2:30
  you' re embarrassed to say yes, I went to the gynecologist because I
• 2:35
  had blisters in my pussy you hardly go to the gynecologist. Not anyway and
• 2:39
  he saw the blisters and told me don' t worry. It' s
• 2:42
  nothing serious, it' s not something like papilloma or so he told me
• 2:46
  to calm down. In fact, a lot of kids have this shit.
• 2:53
  I' m not reassured, king. He said no, they don'
• 2:55
  t have him in their arms. Such and I say ah worth it because
• 2:58
  I don' t fuck any boy, some little girl, well, but
• 3:04
  of course I know it' s not about the arm. Anyway, the
• 3:06
  case, the case is that the gynecologist told me, this is happening very
• 3:07
  easily. You have to give yourself this cremita. The medication was corrosive acid,
• 3:13
  but as it was for my pussy, the guy called it cremita.
• 3:16
  Sure. The thing is, I have a problem that I imagine will happen
• 3:21
  to a lot of you here and I just don' t see my own
• 3:23
  pussy. Well, I' m saying if any of you don' t
• 3:28
  explain to me how I' d love to. But the fact is,
• 3:30
  you have to give it to her very precisely in the wounds, because it
• 3:35
  ' s a corrosive acid. You know you can' t paint crazy and
• 3:37
  make ember rabbit. Not clear then what I was doing, or God I
• 3:51
  ' m going to put myself here so you can see what I was doing
• 3:53
  in my bathroom. In my bathroom I don' t have a bar yet,
• 3:58
  but I sat on the floor, I would put my legs like that.
• 4:00
  But now I' m not gonna do that. I' m not
• 4:01
  doing abs either. I didn' t go off like that and put on
• 4:05
  a set of lights and mirrors that I liked to call the pussy of versalles.
• 4:21
  The problem is that in the medication I put it you have to give
• 4:26
  it in the granites and when it starts to redden clearly I, like I
• 4:30
  told you, do not see my pussy. How do I know if he
• 4:33
  ' s getting red and I had an idea, I mean I know.
• 4:36
  I take a picture every day after I give myself the cremita and I see
• 4:44
  the progression of redness. No, don' t feel like a king.
• 4:46
  It' s not a good idea. It' s not a good idea,
• 4:48
  but I still didn' t know. So what I did was I
• 4:54
  took three pam pam pam photos, because since I put on, I'
• 4:58
  m coming upstairs. I don' t make a big friend, Spielbergh'
• 5:01
  s pussy guy. I take those photos and I send them to the hidden
• 5:05
  folder, I go to the folder, hide and they' re gone.
• 5:10
  I' m going to the gallery and they' re gone. I took
• 5:14
  three more photos, I control them in the folder, they' re hidden
• 5:20
  and they' re gone. I' m going to the gallery and they
• 5:23
  ' re gone. I said Oky, it' s okay, and I
• 5:27
  decided to make about three last pam pam pictures, which already made Zoom look
• 5:32
  pearly with the sweat of anxiety. Yeah, and I sent them to the
• 5:40
  hidden folder, I' m going to the hidden folder and they' re
• 5:45
  not going to the gallery and they' re not ok. How does this
• 5:47
  work out, because of course I had nine pictures of my pussy lost?
• 5:49
  You can' t ask for help from a cocufat for this. No yes
• 6:02
  and I was worried not so much about losing them. I' ve lost
• 6:05
  a lot of things. The dne and the keys, dignity will appear,
• 6:09
  no matter what. I was worried I' d find them at a bad
• 6:14
  time like that. They' re showing my mother the photos of the Mira
• 6:17
  Mama basin, the cathedral, how pretty, the hanging houses and itza the
• 6:23
  Ninja pussy. What a situation. If when I was telling this story to
• 6:27
  a friend she told me the aunt of the nine pictures you took of your
• 6:30
  pussy, because the fourth, to, the fifth, the sixth didn'
• 6:33
  t make it out of a hand or a shampoo I say very good question.
• 6:39
  I told him I was from the open cinema and not ass, which
• 6:41
  is what I really am if it was important for me to find those photos.
• 6:46
  They were really close- ups of my pussy Okay if I had to
• 6:50
  find them. They were pictures so close that you could play ass elbow or
• 6:53
  pussy that you pussy, because here there was no doubt. Okay, it
• 6:59
  was kind of obvious. So what I did was call my cousin, I
• 7:03
  mean, you have to think that at the time I was totally alienated.
• 7:06
  I had lost nine pictures of my pussy and I called my cousin and I
• 7:10
  started yelling and you say to Isa, my pussy is in Arnia I swear
• 7:16
  to you. That' s how it was, how it happened pretty awful.
• 7:19
  I was telling him. I know it exists, but I don'
• 7:23
  t know where it is. Or a fucking comparison. I know. I
• 7:28
  also say a pussy that you know exists, you don' t know where
• 7:30
  it' s thought. Maybe this happened to the seminarian with my clitoris.
• 7:32
  I don' t know, I don' t know. That' s
• 7:34
  another story, as well as the fact that we' re looking all over
• 7:46
  my phone. I was already leading on the call and I was checking all
• 7:49
  the folders and she told me aunt, they' re gone. They'
• 7:53
  re not, there' s no pictures of your pussy he told me anyway.
• 7:55
  You haven' t done them and I held on to denial as in
• 8:00
  your day. I held on to the seminarian. I mean, I didn
• 8:01
  ' t do them, I didn' t do them, of course I
• 8:05
  did, and then I relaxed. I went quietly to the subway line one
• 8:09
  that was full to burst and she sent me a whatsapp because I had yelled
• 8:15
  at her my pussy is in Narnia. I wanted to know if I was
• 8:18
  okay, obviously not, and then Auntie told me, you' re calmer
• 8:22
  and I said okay and I' m going to send her a selfin not
• 8:26
  to see that I' m already looking at the pussy well and opened Whatsapp
• 8:33
  and in Whatsappa below, you get the thumbnails of the last photos. There
• 8:37
  was the Ninja pussy. You bet, you bet. Yeah, I don
• 8:43
  ' t know if it' s ever happened to you, you' re
• 8:46
  empathizing a lot, but alone. But thank you. Yeah, the thing
• 8:56
  is, I had a palpitation and I say, oh, the virgin.
• 8:58
  You will see that all apps that have their own photo gallery. It'
• 9:03
  s actually on Instagram and I could upload stories from the nine photos of my
• 9:09
  pussy I walk into Gemel and I could pull up the nine pictures of my
• 9:13
  pussy but I go to the gallery and they' re gone. I'
• 9:15
  m going to the hidden folder and they' re gone. I' m
• 9:16
  saying shit is this, I mean, I can' t erase the photos,
• 9:20
  but I can mail them to my boss that someone will think. Maybe
• 9:24
  you' re worth a promotion. Maybe you' re worth a promotion.
• 9:26
  No. They weren' t pictures very close to my pussy as well as
• 9:31
  close up a pussy with blisters. They were very unpleasant, very unpleasant,
• 9:37
  almost as much as a normal, very unpleasant photocock. Yeah, next step.
• 9:43
  I see there' s a lot of pain. Thank you, girls,
• 9:45
  for being with me on this. Next step. What I did was
• 9:48
  from the subway. He' ll call Xiaomi' s technical service and answer
• 9:54
  me a woman to whom I send a huge kiss. Actually, because I
• 9:56
  started yelling at her that there were some pictures in a thousand pussy that were
• 10:01
  on social media, but they weren' t in the folder. Well,
• 10:05
  I don' t think about this point anymore It wasn' t Narnia'
• 10:07
  s pussy Even the pussy that' s there isn' t Rodinger' s.
• 10:07
  Of course not. If the aunt hung me up for whatever, I
• 10:13
  don' t know and when I calmed down and called him back, I
• 10:18
  had blocked myself that I thought she would have left me annotadic like crazy pussy,
• 10:26
  because I wish, yes, I wish, yes, yes, yes,
• 10:37
  many. Or the thing is that I solve this story, because with
• 10:39
  a brilliant genius plan. The truth is, like everything I did that day,
• 10:43
  it was making me a selfie car from the subway with Histeria' s
• 10:48
  face to send down the pictures like you know how to make it a little
• 10:50
  longer to show up in the gallery. If you see someone doing selfis like
• 10:54
  that, he' s not a vain person, he' s still hiding
• 10:56
  pictures of his pussy. Okay Anyway. Now that I don' t want
• 11:01
  to talk to you so much about things that make you uncomfortable. I'
• 11:03
  m going to ask a question. Who here has satisfied yesterday. One person
• 11:09
  sucks, I already say three. Okay, good. The statistics say many.
• 11:13
  You' re lying, but it' s okay. I' m
• 11:18
  on top of my satisfaction yesterday. I want it a lot that the other
• 11:20
  day a guy told me that subject is already very much seen. I didn
• 11:22
  ' t tell her how to mess with my husband she brought. It'
• 11:26
  s not true. It' s true. I want a lot to satisfy
• 11:28
  me yesterday anyway to get married. No, but couple in fact the same.
• 11:31
  If not, Madame de pro Dos, the fact is that I see
• 11:35
  a couple of hits on my satisfaction yesterday. I don' t know if
• 11:37
  the ones you have and the rest you' ve lied about, you'
• 11:39
  ll agree. The first is that my satisfaction from the first charge is not
• 11:45
  the same. Yeah, I don' t know what' s going on.
• 11:48
  It' s kind of like Kiko Matamoros' face. I don'
• 11:50
  t know what' s going on. But there' s something wrong.
• 11:52
  There' s something wrong. Yeah. The other thing I see yesterday'
• 12:05
  s satisfaction is that you can' t use it while it' s loaded.
• 12:09
  There are some that you' ve understood very quickly so you don'
• 12:13
  t have Yeah, it' s clear, it' s like having a
• 12:16
  fucking lover. But narcoleptic. And I wonder, I mean, I wonder
• 12:22
  why they did the wireless yesterday satisfaction. If there' s actually every place
• 12:26
  I want to masturbate. There' s a light plug in, in my
• 12:31
  house, in my living room, there' s a lot of lapsicles back
• 12:33
  there It' s all right. No, no, no, no,
• 12:37
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 12:37
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 12:37
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 12:37
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 12:37
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 12:37
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 12:37
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 12:37
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 12:37
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 12:37
  no, no, no. The only place I couldn' t use
• 12:39
  the plug satisfaction is on the street and I like handjobs as private help.
• 12:48
  Yeah, well, that' s good. This one gets a little harder.
• 12:50
  It' s okay. The point is, a girl told me aunty
• 12:56
  about the plug- in yesterday. It' s a terrible idea. Why
• 12:58
  couldn' t you use it in the shower? There. He knew it
• 13:01
  could be used in the shower. Yeah, you don' t need to
• 13:13
  explain. It' s Tuan who' s talking. Yeah, I didn
• 13:18
  ' t know, but I' ve made up my time. He went
• 13:22
  all the way. Yeah, yeah, well. It doesn' t matter
• 13:24
  how someone didn' t laugh at this to keep this note because it'
• 13:26
  s a treat. Me. The truth is, before I tried it,
• 13:30
  I said I' m going to Google it and see if I' m
• 13:33
  going to die of horny. No, no, no, no, no,
• 13:37
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:41
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:41
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 13:41
  no, no, no, no. No, no, no, the
• 13:43
  thing is, I looked it up. But on a website I would say
• 13:46
  that, if it could be done, I would put the satisfaction for two
• 13:52
  as it is a watertight compartment, that is, closed. It can be
• 13:54
  used both in showers and in bathtubs as well as in swimming pools. My
• 13:58
  lifeguards aren' t right. I remember this, but okay if he proposes
• 14:03
  that you meet he can use you in those three places, but he would
• 14:07
  generally. In general, care should be taken when using it in wet environments.
• 14:16
  Satisfied, I don' t know how to slow it down, but
• 14:22
  closing it well is probably not worth doing these unfortunate searches. I' ve
• 14:26
  got my cookis blown up. If you know what cookis are, this thing
• 14:31
  you' re browsing you accept them and then they make you personalized suggestions.
• 14:33
  Okay, so my cookies are taking some trust with me that I don'
• 14:39
  t really like. The other day, I got an ad that paid little
• 14:45
  attention. These sandals with heels are for you forgive. I didn' t
• 14:52
  know we were at that point in the relationship where we could fuck each other.
• 14:58
  Because I have something to say to my cooki. The first one,
• 15:01
  what' s wrong with the ads and all the time I get ads for
• 15:05
  condoms, lubricants, sex toys. You want to tell me something. You
• 15:09
  look like my last scroll in Stories so indirect, and then the other thing
• 15:15
  that happens to my couks is geolocation is going to be fatal as it were.
• 15:18
  Every time I sail in hiding, my cuki think I' m in
• 15:22
  Indonesia. It' s not Indonesia, man is the usual room with the
• 15:28
  lights off, of course because I' m looking for disgusting things, like
• 15:39
  the headlines of daily ope, the contestants of brother one or how to make
• 15:43
  a Cuban with small breasts anyway, things are probably bursting. I, too,
• 16:00
  have my letter for doing these terrible searches in the end. But I
• 16:03
  made up for it because a few months ago some people stole from me.
• 16:08
  They told me clear in your neighborhood or no cari was in a good area.
• 16:11
  In my neighborhood you bring the stolen stuff. You don' t steal
• 16:15
  clear, yeah, yeah, in a good area. They stole my purse,
• 16:18
  which I also say I dislike, especially for the guy who took it
• 16:21
  like two euros and a one- hundred- pump cell phone. This happens
• 16:25
  to him for stealing comics and it was base distasteful and the next day a
• 16:30
  can I had to go put the complaint blah blah blah, make the duplicate
• 16:33
  card and when I went to the store, the aunt told me don'
• 16:37
  t worry, because this is all protected by passwords they won' t be
• 16:40
  able to enter anywhere, in no app at most, if they connect the
• 16:45
  mobile to a computer, they will be able to access your photos. So
• 16:52
  out of this whole story you have to keep three teachings. The first is
• 16:56
  that you have to use the satisfayan in the shower. The second ones you
• 17:00
  don' t. You have to take pictures of your pussy and, finally,
• 17:03
  if you take pictures of your pussy, don' t take a selfis
• 17:07
  car later, because, like someone attacks, you of which is yours.
• 17:11
  Thank you so much.