Latest / Overwhelmed Working Woman: Boost Productivity, Master Time Management, Overcome Overwhelm & Stop People Pleasing / #193| 3 Mindset Shifts Every People Pleaser Needs To Finally Say No Without Guilt
Transcript
- 0:00Michelle Gauthier: When I first tried to stop people pleasing, I really didn't feel free.
- 0:03Michelle Gauthier: I felt super guilty.
- 0:09Michelle Gauthier: You're listening to Overwhelmed Working Woman, the podcast that helps you be more calm and more productive by doing less.
- 0:17Michelle Gauthier: I'm your host, Michelle Gauthier, a former Overwhelmed Working Woman and current life coach.
- 0:22Michelle Gauthier: On this show, we unpack the stress and pressure that today's Working Woman experiences.
- 0:27Michelle Gauthier: And in each episode, you'll get a strategy to bring more calm, ease, and relaxation to your life.
- 0:36Michelle Gauthier: Hi, friend.
- 0:38Michelle Gauthier: If you've ever said yes just to avoid disappointing someone, even when you were exhausted or didn't have the time or just didn't want to freaking do whatever they were asking you to do, this episode is for you.
- 0:50Michelle Gauthier: Learning how to say no and stop people pleasing can be tough, but these are three mindset shifts that I feel like are the most essential mindset shifts that you need in order to learn how to say no and start practicing saying no without feeling guilty.
- 1:04Michelle Gauthier: I'm going to talk about each one of these in detail, but the three essential mindsets you really need to stop people pleasing, which you'll learn about today, are that no isn't unkind, or another way to say it, yes isn't actually kind, and that someone else's disappointment isn't your emergency or even your problem.
- 1:24Michelle Gauthier: And how every no that you say creates space for a better yes, a yes of your choosing.
- 1:31Michelle Gauthier: We're going to talk about why people pleasing is so hard to let go of and how these mindset shifts can really help you stop feeling that guilt spiral every time you attempt to say no and really stop people pleasing so that you can create the kind of life that you want for yourself.
- 1:50Michelle Gauthier: If this is an area of interest to you, keep on listening to the end.
- 1:54Michelle Gauthier: I'm offering a new class called the People Pleasing Purge, and I'm going to give you all the details at the end.
- 2:00Michelle Gauthier: Okay, let's start with the mindset shift of saying no feels mean or bad, or I have to say yes if I want to be nice.
- 2:10Michelle Gauthier: If you would have asked me why I people pleased and why I said yes when I didn't really mean it, I would have said, Well, I'm just a nice person.
- 2:19Michelle Gauthier: I totally equated saying yes and doing what someone else wanted me to do instead of what I wanted to do as being equal to being nice.
- 2:28Michelle Gauthier: And I thought that if I said no, that I would be mean or selfish or not caring.
- 2:34Michelle Gauthier: And so what that meant is I said yes to everything essentially.
- 2:38Michelle Gauthier: I showed up, I helped, I pitched in, I stayed late, I hosted, I cooked, I planned, even when I really didn't want to, and even when I had nothing in the tank.
- 2:48Michelle Gauthier: And the thing is, this strategy can work for a while.
- 2:51Michelle Gauthier: I feel like I was pretty good with this strategy until I had a second child and I had gotten to a certain point in my career, and I was like, I just can't keep doing everything.
- 3:02Michelle Gauthier: So the shift that I had to make in my mind and the belief that I had to change is that saying no doesn't make me unkind.
- 3:10Michelle Gauthier: It just makes me honest.
- 3:12Michelle Gauthier: Because saying yes out of guilt is it's not telling the truth.
- 3:16Michelle Gauthier: It's a lie.
- 3:17Michelle Gauthier: People pleasing is a form of pretending, and pretending really drains you.
- 3:22Michelle Gauthier: Think about when you have to act like something that's not your true self, how exhausting that can be.
- 3:27Michelle Gauthier: And then think about when you do that time and time again, how often you're pretending, how often you're spending time doing things that you don't want to do.
- 3:37Michelle Gauthier: So learning to say no with kindness and clarity and honesty is actually much more respectful to yourself and to the other person as well.
- 3:47Michelle Gauthier: The second mindset shift that I had to really embrace is that someone else can feel disappointed - in me, even.
- 3:55Michelle Gauthier: I mean, that's still like a uncomfortable thought, but if someone else is disappointed in me, it's really not my problem.
- 4:03Michelle Gauthier: It's not my emergency, it's not my problem to fix.
- 4:06Michelle Gauthier: Let them, as Mel Robbins would say, I have to let them feel whatever feelings that they feel.
- 4:12Michelle Gauthier: I used to think if someone's disappointed in me, that I've done something wrong.
- 4:16Michelle Gauthier: And I still don't like the idea that someone's disappointed in me.
- 4:20Michelle Gauthier: It's just I don't take it on as I have done something wrong.
- 4:24Michelle Gauthier: I feel like I have done something right when I have told the truth, told it kindly without overexplaining.
- 4:32Michelle Gauthier: So instead of feeling the urge to immediately fix it and explain and apologize and end up saying yes after all, I just allow them to manage their own emotions.
- 4:42Michelle Gauthier: And when you trust someone else to feel and manage their feelings and you don't need to absorb them or fix them or take them on as yours, you can be a kind person and still honor what you want and honor your own bandwidth.
- 4:56Michelle Gauthier: The other thing I found out as I was experimenting with this too is a lot of times people are just fine with it.
- 5:04Michelle Gauthier: We feel like people are going to be so upset if we say no to something.
- 5:07Michelle Gauthier: But just recently, my friend group was getting together and one of the friends couldn't make it.
- 5:12Michelle Gauthier: And I was disappointed.
- 5:15Michelle Gauthier: I was disappointed that she couldn't be there.
- 5:17Michelle Gauthier: And also, so what?
- 5:19Michelle Gauthier: Like that's a normal emotion to feel.
- 5:21Michelle Gauthier: If you want to see someone and then they can't be there for whatever reason that is, whether I deem it a legit reason or not legit reason, I'm disappointed not to see someone I love.
- 5:32Michelle Gauthier: Like, that's fine.
- 5:33Michelle Gauthier: I can be disappointed.
- 5:34Michelle Gauthier: Nothing bad happened to me.
- 5:36Michelle Gauthier: I didn't decide to hate her.
- 5:38Michelle Gauthier: In fact, I love her.
- 5:39Michelle Gauthier: That's why I was sad that I didn't get to see her.
- 5:41Michelle Gauthier: I think the biggest takeaway from this one is someone else's disappointment or whatever feeling they're feeling isn't a red flag.
- 5:49Michelle Gauthier: It's just a feeling.
- 5:50Michelle Gauthier: They're just having a feeling, and that's okay.
- 5:53Michelle Gauthier: The last mindset shift that you need in order to really be able to say no without guilt and stop people pleasing is the belief that every no creates space for a better yes.
- 6:06Michelle Gauthier: So throughout the day, we're talking right now about things that you say yes to that you don't want to say yes to.
- 6:12Michelle Gauthier: But throughout a day or a week or a month, there are plenty of opportunities where you say yes to things that you want to do or need to do.
- 6:20Michelle Gauthier: For example, I wouldn't be super excited to like take one of my kids to the doctor, but obviously it's a high priority, and I'm going to say yes to that on my calendar.
- 6:31Michelle Gauthier: But every time you say no to something that you don't want to do, picture a white space on your calendar.
- 6:38Michelle Gauthier: And you could either leave that as white space or you could fill it in with something that you actually want to do.
- 6:44Michelle Gauthier: This is so random, but I saw a really cute, I was visiting my sister in Charleston, and they had all these cute um Halloween decorations on the front porches.
- 6:52Michelle Gauthier: And one of them was like witches' hats hanging from the ceiling of a covered porch with fishing line.
- 7:00Michelle Gauthier: So it just looked like there were all these random witch hats, and it was so cute.
- 7:04Michelle Gauthier: And I decided that I really wanted to do that.
- 7:07Michelle Gauthier: And so I ordered the stuff.
- 7:09Michelle Gauthier: And then, you know, I was busy.
- 7:11Michelle Gauthier: So it sat on my dining room table for like a week.
- 7:13Michelle Gauthier: And then on a Saturday, when I literally said no to everything and just needed a day all to myself because my kids were out of town, I created a white space day for myself.
- 7:24Michelle Gauthier: And after lying on the couch, until I didn't feel like lying on the couch anymore, I was like, I'm gonna do my Halloween decorations.
- 7:30Michelle Gauthier: I'm gonna put up those cute hats.
- 7:32Michelle Gauthier: And every time I pull in my driveway, it makes me so happy.
- 7:35Michelle Gauthier: They're so cute.
- 7:36Michelle Gauthier: And I also added hanging from the ceiling some bright fluorescent pink pumpkins.
- 7:42Michelle Gauthier: Can you believe they even make those?
- 7:44Michelle Gauthier: I was so excited.
- 7:45Michelle Gauthier: Anyway, that is a random example, but it is an example of a yes that I wanted to do.
- 7:51Michelle Gauthier: And had I, because I could have easily filled my Saturday, had I filled my Saturday and been running around, I wouldn't have gotten to do this just little thing I wanted to do, this little creative project that I wanted to do just for fun.
- 8:05Michelle Gauthier: So if you think about it for you, what could you say yes to if you weren't so busy people pleasing?
- 8:11Michelle Gauthier: Would it be like, I don't know, maybe you like to cook a nice dinner sometimes, but you never have time to do it?
- 8:18Michelle Gauthier: Maybe you like to lie on your couch and binge a show instead of being busy all the time, or maybe there's some new hobby or you want to read a book or whatever.
- 8:29Michelle Gauthier: Like, what kind of time could you create for yourself if you weren't people pleasing?
- 8:35Michelle Gauthier: Okay, so remember, no doesn't make you unkind, it makes you honest.
- 8:39Michelle Gauthier: Someone else's disappointment is not your emergency, and every no creates space for a better yes.
- 8:46Michelle Gauthier: Those are the three essential mindset shifts that you need to learn how to say no and stop people pleasing.
- 8:53Michelle Gauthier: And if you know people pleasing is taking up way too much of your time and energy and mental space, if it's making you feel just overwhelmed and resentful and exhausted, I've got the thing for you.
- 9:06Michelle Gauthier: I've created this new class called the People Pleasing Purge.
- 9:10Michelle Gauthier: It's a live class.
- 9:11Michelle Gauthier: So eventually this is going to be a self-paced video course.
- 9:15Michelle Gauthier: But for this first round, I'm teaching it live and in person.
- 9:19Michelle Gauthier: It's six sessions over a three-week period, and it starts next Monday, November 3rd.
- 9:26Michelle Gauthier: So in the class, we'll talk about why people pleasing is a habit, not your personality.
- 9:32Michelle Gauthier: It's not I am a people pleaser.
- 9:34Michelle Gauthier: It's I have a habit of people pleasing, how to say no without spiraling into guilt and overexplaining, talking about exactly how to do that, the mindset shifts that are required for that, how to set boundaries that stick, and how to stop managing everyone else's emotions and just reclaim your own time.
- 9:52Michelle Gauthier: By the time this three weeks is over, which by the way is before Thanksgiving.
- 9:56Michelle Gauthier: Can you imagine going to Thanksgiving and being able to just not be a people pleaser?
- 10:00Michelle Gauthier: You'll leave this class with tools that you can use forever.
- 10:04Michelle Gauthier: And maybe for the first time you'll stop feeling bad about putting yourself first.
- 10:09Michelle Gauthier: If it sounds like something you need, grab your spot.
- 10:12Michelle Gauthier: We are only selling this class this week and it starts next week.
- 10:16Michelle Gauthier: And this is the only time that I will be doing it live.
- 10:19Michelle Gauthier: The good thing about doing it live is you can ask me all your questions.
- 10:22Michelle Gauthier: I can coach you.
- 10:24Michelle Gauthier: You can really make a huge change in your life if you attend this class.
- 10:29Michelle Gauthier: So come hang out with me live and let's break this people-pleasing pattern for good.
- 10:33Michelle Gauthier: The link is in the show notes for you to join.
- 10:36Michelle Gauthier: I hope to see you there.
- 10:37Michelle Gauthier: Thank you for listening to the Overwhelmed Working Woman podcast.
- 10:45Michelle Gauthier: If you want to learn more about my work, head over to my website at MichelleGauthier.com.
- 10:51Michelle Gauthier: See you next week.