Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 478. Is it a red flag, should I pivot and why am I such a people pleaser (Headnoise)

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478. Is it a red flag, should I pivot and why am I such a people pleaser (Headnoise) · Do You F*cking Mind?

• 0:04
  Speaker 1: Cute, Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to a head Noise episode.
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: This is a voice male head Noise episode, so as usual,
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to give that much of a life update.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: I want to get straight into answering your questions because
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: these are great questions and I absolutely cannot wait to
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: answer them as usual. If you are new to this format,
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: style of episode, or just new to this podcast in general,
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: the aim of the head Noise episode sometimes isn't to
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: completely solve all your problems and clear all the head noise,
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: but it is to get you closer to making up
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: your own mind. I try and give you questions, give
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: you a bit of insight. Also, a lot of people
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: find these episodes really helpful to figure out things that
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: are going on in their life, even if the situation
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: is not exactly the same. So, without further ado, let's
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: get into it.
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: Hey, Alexis this is actually the second question that I
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: sent you, So I've been listening for years and years
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: and have fully internalized your voice now, so thank you
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: so much, and we just love your perspective on the company.
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: I started dating a guy and he's really really lovely,
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: very chilled, very secure. I feel extremely relaxed. When I'm
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: with him, he's just a very sort of calming presence.
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: And this is very different from my ex, who was
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: extremely intense, like took me on this just horrible thrower paster.
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: So ultimately things are going really well, but because he
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: is so childre and relaxed, I sort of don't know
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: where we're at with things. And I'm thinking it's been
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: a few months now and I'm thinking of having a
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: conversation about what we are. Do you think it's weird
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: I have to have that conversation. I think unlike my AX,
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: it's there isn't as much pursuing going on. I still
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: feel very sort of like cherished, if that makes sense,
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: But I'm not I don't feel actively pursued like I
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: did with my AX. So is that any sort of
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: red flag or is that totally fine? Please let me know.
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: Thank you so much.
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: That's a great question. Okay, Firstly, I love that you
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: sung thank you so much. At the end of that,
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: I really appreciate that we're on the same page here. Okay,
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: there is absolutely nothing to be concerned about. I think
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: it's perfectly normal, especially for someone with that energy and
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: character of being really chilled to not like name the
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: relationship for what it is or put a label on it.
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: Sometimes like I'll use myself as an example. I've got
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: a similar kind of history to you. You in that
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: sense that Tyrone is very chilled, very secure, very lovely,
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: loving guy as opposed to my ex years prior to him,
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: because I was single for nearly three years in between,
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: who was volatile, you know, very unhealthy toxic relationship, and Tyrone,
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: while very very much cherished me, was very much in
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: love with me, was very into the whole thing. He
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: never said like, what are we, what's the label, what's whatever?
• 3:26
  Speaker 3: I overheard it over a phone call.
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: Because someone called him saying, oh, what are you doing.
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: He's like, oh, I'm just I'm just out to dinner
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: with my girlfriend. And this is before we even had
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: that conversation. Then when he hung up and I'm like, oh, okay,
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: so we are saying go and boyfriend, He's like, well, yeah,
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: of course I'm telling everyone you're my gold, Like why not?
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: So It's something that had I not brought it up,
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: then it would have eventually.
• 3:44
  Speaker 3: Come out in conversation.
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: But I think I would have also felt like, when
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: am I going to talk about this. Is it something
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: that's playing on his mind, or is he just so
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: chilled that he's just reading it as well of course,
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: like we're together, look at how we actually, look at
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: how we treat each other, we're obviously exclusive all these things,
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: and so then for them they just think, well, yeah,
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: we're just each other's person, and they don't, you know,
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: think too heavily into it.
• 4:06
  Speaker 3: So is it a red flag? Absolutely not a red flag.
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: And I don't think there's anything wrong with bringing it
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: up to say, just wanted to check that we're on
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: the same page as how this relationship is progressing.
• 4:17
  Speaker 3: I'm absolutely loving it.
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: I'm feeling, you know, all the nice feelings and feeling
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: all these things from you as well, Like have the
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: conversation and just say, but I wanted to know, like
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: status wise or label wise, you know, I would be
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: calling you my boyfriend or you know whatever you want
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: to my partner whatever.
• 4:37
  Speaker 3: Do you feel the same way? How do you feel?
• 4:39
  Speaker 4: You know?
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: Just put it on him, get his perspective on it.
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: But I just I honestly think that there's just really
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: not much to it.
• 4:47
  Speaker 3: Probably from his.
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: Perspective, he's probably just seeing it as like enjoying the ride,
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: not really thinking about the labels. You often get that
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: with people that are like really secure, relaxed and calm,
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: they might what for you is something that you really
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: have to think about? They probably haven't really not that
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: he hasn't thought about it, but they haven't really spent
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: a lot of time thinking if.
• 5:05
  Speaker 3: It's like should I should I not?
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: Is it an issue?
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: They're probably just really enjoying their time with you, okay.
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: I also love that you are leaning into a very
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: healthy relationship because a lot of people in your position.
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: I actually thought when I was listening to the question
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: that you were going to say something along the lines of, oh,
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: I don't know if it's if it's the right one,
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: because I'm used to volatility. So I really liked that
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: you were able to view this as a very healthy
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: form of love and that you're really wanting to lean in.
• 5:32
  Speaker 3: So clip clup, clup, clap club.
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: You've done You've done a lot of personal work, and
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: I think that it's really paying off that you're able
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: to look at this relationship and being like, yes, this
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: is like a nice, healthy energy that I'm going to
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: lean into. So fuck an epic.
• 5:47
  Speaker 3: I love that Okay, next question. Oh wait, there's titles
• 5:54
  Speaker 3: to these. I didn't it. Okay.
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: The second one is called pushing through Uncertainty. US is
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: when is it time to pivot?
• 6:04
  Speaker 4: Hey, Alexis, thanks for everything you do and congrats on
• 6:07
  Speaker 4: being a mother. I know it's been a couple months now,
• 6:10
  Speaker 4: but I love hearing about you and the twins. I'm
• 6:13
  Speaker 4: twenty four and about a year and a half out
• 6:15
  Speaker 4: of college. After graduating, I took a leap and pursued
• 6:19
  Speaker 4: my dreams of being a filmmaker. So I reached out
• 6:22
  Speaker 4: to different producers and production companies and eventually started making
• 6:27
  Speaker 4: promotional and documentary content myself. I started getting experience and
• 6:32
  Speaker 4: doing my own work. It was kind of a mix,
• 6:35
  Speaker 4: and along the way, I had a mentor that kind
• 6:37
  Speaker 4: of encouraged me to just start my own business and
• 6:40
  Speaker 4: creative agency. So that's kind of what I did, and
• 6:44
  Speaker 4: I make a lot of promotional videos for businesses and nonprofits.
• 6:48
  Speaker 4: Love telling emotional stories I guess that a lot of
• 6:53
  Speaker 4: nonprofits have to tell, so that's been amazing. But I'm
• 6:57
  Speaker 4: just finding that I'm not making enough money me yet
• 7:00
  Speaker 4: and I just don't feel stable and secure. I live
• 7:06
  Speaker 4: at home with my family, and I just feel stuck
• 7:09
  Speaker 4: in my hometown. I'm scared to pivot just because I
• 7:13
  Speaker 4: am truly, really passionate about the business that I'm building.
• 7:19
  Speaker 4: But at the same time, I'm also scared that I'm
• 7:21
  Speaker 4: being unrealistic by continuing to build something that hasn't fully
• 7:24
  Speaker 4: stabilized yet. So I just want to know, how do
• 7:28
  Speaker 4: you know when to keep pushing through uncertainty versus when
• 7:30
  Speaker 4: it's time to pivot. Thanks Alexis.
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: Okay, this is a fucking phenomenal question, because I was
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: having a discussion about this with a friend of mine
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: not that long ago. So thank you actually for calling,
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: in writing in whatever you call it. Okay, So my
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: opinion on this, I actually think that a lot of
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: the time we will come up with an idea of
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: what we want for our career.
• 7:56
  Speaker 3: So you've found something that you love, you're doing it,
• 7:59
  Speaker 3: you're really enjoying it. It's just not giving you the
• 8:01
  Speaker 3: income that you need.
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: Yet a lot of us get into that position where like,
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: this is what I want.
• 8:05
  Speaker 3: I love it, I fucking love it. I'm probably good
• 8:07
  Speaker 3: at it. It's just going to take time.
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: But the monetary financial thing starts becoming such a stress
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: sum and you're saying to yourself, I can't quit.
• 8:15
  Speaker 3: I'm not a quitter.
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: There can't be a plan B. This has to be
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: the right thing. Even when things start falling into place
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: like they are with you. You are getting clients. It's not
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: like you're getting signs from the universe left, right, and
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: center saying you're a dud. Quit you just don't have
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: a talent, Like that's not the case. Things are going well.
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: It's just you know, it takes a while to build
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: up your business obviously and make that money. So you're
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: in this position where things are kind of, you know,
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: going well. And if it wasn't for the financial side
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: of things, is money wasn't an object, you probably wouldn't
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: think twice about it. But because you're relying on the
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: thing that you're good at and the thing that you
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: love to also be your source of income, it becomes
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: a massive point of contention. It creates a lot of
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: stress because you're thinking, I love this thing, but I'm
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: not getting the income yet. So this is what I
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: would recommend you do. Don't pivot because you actually like
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: what you do, so I would keep doing what you're doing.
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: And also the fact that you're already making some income
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: of it at twenty four is phenomenal. I think you
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: need to pause and think, this is actually I need
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: to give myself some fucking credit here, because that's a
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: big deal. A lot of people at twenty four a
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: don't know what they want to do yet, or be
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: so fucking novice that they might know, but they're not
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: generating any sort of an income from it. So you're
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: on the right path. But what I would do is
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: I would get another job that does not require too
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: much kind of like mental load that's going to help
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: subsidize this becoming a really big, fully fledged thing. And
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: the reason I say that is because if you then think, oh,
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: I need to pivot careers, it needs to be something
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: that's like another purpose of mine. It needs to be this,
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: it needs to be that, then again you're going to
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: be exhausting yourself expecting that the thing that you love
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: and your purpose and your passion has to also be
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: your source of income. On the other thing, the reason
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: I suggest this is because the moment you can take
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: the financial stress away, then you've got this job that
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: you clock in, you work. Then the moment you leave
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: that shift, you don't think it. So I'm talking like,
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: go and be a receptionist at a polates studio.
• 10:17
  Speaker 3: Go like that.
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: I'm just like throwing ideas out in my ass. It
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: doesn't matter be a barista, be or whatever. Something that
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: you know, when you're on, you're on at the job,
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: but when you leave, you're not taking that work home
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: with you. It's something that can, you know, help subsidize
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: your income. It's something that takes the stress off your
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: real passion. And then what starts to happen is that
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: when you start working on your real passion.
• 10:36
  Speaker 3: It's all positive. There's no crazy stress.
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: Financially, Yes, you want to make more money, and yes
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: that's the goal, but you're not sitting here thinking, oh
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: my god, I've got to get a rid all up
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: because I can't afford my bills, or because I'm still
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: living at home.
• 10:49
  Speaker 3: When am I ever going to move out?
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: Once you have that kind of you know, calculated buffer,
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: it's not a buffer in the sense of, oh my god,
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: I'm too scared to take the leap of faith, so
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: I'm going to do this buff That would be quitting
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: what you're doing and taking the easy road out and
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: doing something that's guaranteed income, but then you never spending
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: time doing what you love.
• 11:08
  Speaker 3: This is just going to be like a little safety.
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: Buffer as far as financially so creative, your creativity does
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: not take a hit, because if you keep doing what
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: you're doing the way you're doing it, your creativity is
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: going to suffer because you're going to start to stress
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: more and more about your finances. Okay, there's been times
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: in my life where things, you know, I mean, look
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: at fucking acting as well. But when there were times
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: in my life where I was doing what I absolutely loved,
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: but I wasn't generating the income from it, it was
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: actually affecting how well I was able to do that thing,
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: because including the podcast at times, because it stopped being
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: something that I loved and was passionate about and it
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: became something that I hinged everything on and it was
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: responsible for my income, responsible for this, responsible for that.
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: So until you get the ball running and heaps of
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: consistency and you get you know, it starts growing and
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: growing and growing, you get that momentum, I would create
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: that buffer. You're going to feel so much better about it.
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: Your creativity is going to skyrocket, and then your energy
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: is going to feel so much better, and you're going
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: to start bringing in more work left, right and center,
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: and then you'll know when it's time to get rid
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: of that little side thing that was giving you that
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: extra income and then lean in one hundred percent. But
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: I don't think you should pivot because you love what
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: you do, so pivoting, to me is not the answer.
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: I do recommend pivoting, you know, for other things in life,
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: but that I wouldn't do that if I were you
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: in your position, col Beans.
• 12:30
  Speaker 3: So that's that one.
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: One more.
• 12:34
  Speaker 3: Question sense.
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: This is called this one is titled people Pleaser.
• 12:46
  Speaker 5: Hi, Alex Sas, thank you so much for the pod
• 12:47
  Speaker 5: of the last couple of years. It's very much helped me. Now,
• 12:50
  Speaker 5: I was wondering if you had any advice or active
• 12:53
  Speaker 5: tools I can use in my day to day life
• 12:55
  Speaker 5: to get bitter at having difficult conversations. I'm a people
• 12:58
  Speaker 5: pleaser and it started to effect. It's definitely affected my relationships.
• 13:03
  Speaker 5: It was the reason I broke up with my previous
• 13:06
  Speaker 5: partner because I found it really hard to actually address
• 13:09
  Speaker 5: the little things in the relationship that bothered me and
• 13:12
  Speaker 5: I just sort of kept the peace, swept it under
• 13:14
  Speaker 5: the rug and it all came to a head and
• 13:16
  Speaker 5: I sort of broke up with him out of the blue,
• 13:20
  Speaker 5: and he was totally blindsided, which is awful, but and
• 13:23
  Speaker 5: I regret doing it in that way. And also now
• 13:26
  Speaker 5: that I'm sort of in a more managerial position at work,
• 13:28
  Speaker 5: I have a team under me, and I find it
• 13:30
  Speaker 5: hard to give people feedback or tell them that they
• 13:33
  Speaker 5: need to pull their head in basically, which obviously affects
• 13:38
  Speaker 5: the work long term. And so I know that having
• 13:39
  Speaker 5: difficult conversations is better long term because you nip it
• 13:42
  Speaker 5: in the bud, But I just find it really hard
• 13:44
  Speaker 5: to do that because I don't want to hurt people's feelings.
• 13:47
  Speaker 5: If you have any advice or any tools that I
• 13:49
  Speaker 5: can use in my day to day life to practice this,
• 13:51
  Speaker 5: that would be very very helpful. Thank you so much.
• 13:54
  Speaker 3: Awesome question. All the questions are awesome.
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: Can I just say, but great question, and yeah, there
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: are things that you can do. So the first thing
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: that I want you to think about when it comes
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: to being a people pleaser is you've got to ask
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: yourself why am I like this in the first place,
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: so you can start to piece this puzzle of understanding
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: where you're coming from in order to be able to
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: change where you're going with people pleasing, A lot of
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: it comes down to you having this belief that people
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: liking you is conditional on how pleasant you are to
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: be around and how lighthearted and happy you make them feel. Okay, So,
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: in other words, that someone will not like you unless
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: you make them feel good all the time.
• 14:39
  Speaker 3: But that's not the case, you know, as long as.
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: You're not obviously some manipulative asshole or toxic or unhealthy
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: with your relationships, real relationships with depth have you know,
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: the intensity is the ups, the downs, the difficult conversations.
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: That's also how you create vulnerability and get closer. Some
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: of the people that we are the closest to are
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: the the ones that we have had the hardest conversations with. Okay,
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: And we all know that logically, and I'm sure you
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: know that logically as well, But it's this, this is
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: real understanding that you feel like your worth is very conditional.
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: Most people pleases feel that way, So that's why they're
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: always thinking, if I can be so nice and so
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: friendly and so agreeable and so easy to be around
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: all the time, then I'll be liked And then I'll
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: be validated and then I'll feel good enough. And the
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: opposite of that feels like this crazy fear within you.
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: The opposite of that feels like, if I do anything
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: to rock the boats, what does that mean about my value?
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: If I make someone feel uncomfortable even though it's necessary,
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: Like if I make a team member, an employee, a boyfriend, whoever, uncomfortable,
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: They're not gonna like me anymore because I've made them
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: feel uncomfortable. So it's this conditional thing.
• 16:00
  Speaker 3: But that's a lie. But you've told yourself that.
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: So what you have to start doing is look for
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: evidence that is opposite to what you've been telling yourself.
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: Look for evidence within your past and your current situation,
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: ideally with things that you have done. But it's also
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: really good to look for that kind of evidence in
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: people that you really admire, as far as how they
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: are able to have these card conversations or as far
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: as they're assertive. All you have to do is look
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: at someone who's assertive with you and think, I don't
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: like them any less because they've been assertive with me
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: in the past. I don't, if anything, I hold them
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: to a higher esteem because I can see the respects
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: they have for themselves, and therefore it makes me respect
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: them more. When someone respectfully speaks their mind, is assertive,
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: is authoritative, not authoritative as in like pushing their weight around,
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: but they have authority that shows a level of self respect,
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: and especially when they do it without remotely disrespecting someone else.
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: You might feel a little bit but hurt or upset
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: or offended when you know someone criticizes your work, but
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: if someone delivers it respectfully, it's really you know, if anything,
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: you think, oh I wish I had that, I wish
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: I had that skill, I wish I was able to
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: deliver something in that way. Okay, So the more evidence
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: you begin to gather, the more you start to counter
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: this belief that you're telling yourself that you know, my
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: love people loving me or liking me is conditional on
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: me making them feel good all the time.
• 17:38
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: So that's that's that main level of understanding. The next
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: thing you have to do is when it comes to
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: having these hard conversations, always focus on the behavior or
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: the thing. Trust me, if you feel like you are
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: attacking somebody and you're a people pleaser, you are absolutely
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: not going to say that thing. There's nothing that could
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: push a people pleaser to say something insulting or attacking
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: to someone. It would just be like so against their grain,
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: they wouldn't be able to do it. So, and I
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: recommend this for anyone, not just a people pleaser, but
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: when you bring someone in, whether it's in a relationship
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: and we're talking about romantic intimacy and an intimate close relationship, well,
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: whether it is someone that you manage in a team,
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: always focus on the behavior or the action or the task.
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: You are not attacking the individual. You are separating the
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: individual from the task when you criticize something. When you
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: critique something, you say, this thing right here was lacking XYZ,
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: and this thing right here. Your strengths are in this,
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: and I would like to see more of these strengths
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: in this. If we're talking about a relationship, you could say,
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: I really value how you can be open with me
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: when we talk about this, but I feel that you
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: struggle to be open with me on something else. Is
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: there a way, you know what I mean? So you
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: can mix talking about their strengths and then talking about
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: where they could pull those strengths somewhere else. You could
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: talk about, you know, really respecting them as an individual,
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: and how you think that this particular work doesn't match
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: up with all their other great work. You know, you
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: could talk about there's so many things that you could
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: do where you don't character assassinate.
• 19:16
  Speaker 3: You're not saying you are these you are that.
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: I think people pleasers think, oh my god, the moment
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: I pull someone up on their work, I am attacking
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: this person because you probably in the past may have
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: felt attacked when someone pulls you up on things because
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: you are this people please and you want to make
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: them happy, and so you think, oh my god, if
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: they're criticizing me, what havever? But you've got to look
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: at it from like how can I remove emotions and
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: think we're not here, We're not attacking each other's character.
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: Everything you're not talking about here is focused on behaviors
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: and work that people have done. And that's something that
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: is multiple flexible, that can evolve, It can change, it
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: can improve. Okay, So next time you're going to speak
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: to one of your team members and any relationships moving forward,
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: think how can I address this. We're I'm not attacking
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: their character at all, but I'm still able to get
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: my point across really well. I can talk about their strengths.
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: I can still make them feel good without making it
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: look like I'm pandering to them and bowing down to them.
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: I can assertively say, listen, your strengths are in this area.
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: I think it would be important if you spend a
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: bit more time working on these strengths, because then you'll
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: be a real, real, well rounded team player if you
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: worked more on their strengths. Because I can see by
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: this job you shine in this area, but it's the
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: work is lacking a little bit here, you know. So
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: There's so many ways that you can say it really constructively,
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: or you can just say.
• 20:36
  Speaker 3: Hey, I noticed this was missing from whatever. I noticed
• 20:40
  Speaker 3: that you didn't do this.
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: Can you explain or can I help you or whatever.
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: There's so many ways that you can be a really kind,
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: gentle leader but assertive where you're not taking shit from
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: anyone and people.
• 20:51
  Speaker 3: Aren't going to walk all over you. You don't have to be.
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: Yelling or demanding or all this kind of stuff, because
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: I feel like that's what you think you're going to
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: come across as people. Some of the most assertive people
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: that command the most respect are the calm, respectful ones. Okay,
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: if you're really respectful and calm people reflect that back
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: to you. I hope that helped. I know it's a
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: lot deeper than that, and I know overcoming people pleasing
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: likely comes from years and years and years and years
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: and years of you know, this embedded behavior for a
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: lot of people, not everyone, but a lot of people.
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: People pleasing starts when they were children, based on you know,
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: you know, children should be seen and not heard, and
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: usually blah blah blah, and like after everything I've done
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: for you, and then that's kind of how a lot
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: of people pleases are you know, created and not saying
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: that's what your parents did, but for a lot of people.
• 21:36
  Speaker 3: That's the case.
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: So it is years of this undoing of a belief system.
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: So it's not as easy to unravel in this short answer,
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: but I hope that did kind of, you know, start
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: scratching the surface. I think I do have an episode
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: on people pleases, So just go into the when you
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: listen where you listen to the podcast, and just at
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: the top, type in people pleaser, and I'm pretty sure
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: I have an episode on that. I do dive a
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: little bit deeper into that. So awesome questions, guys, Thank
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: you so much for sending.
• 22:05
  Speaker 3: In your questions.
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: I really appreciate it, keep sending them in love it
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: so much. And that's it for today's episode. As always,
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: remember becind to yourself, becond to your brain, and don't
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: text it from anyone, and especially don't text it from yourself.
• 22:17
  Speaker 3: Dunker