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S2E31 - Transforming Mornings with Choices and Consequences · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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You're listening to the
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Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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Hi,
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I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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The Kid Counselor.
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This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
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awareness,
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and enlightenment about your parenting
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and your relationship with your kids.
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In today's episode,
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I am answering a question from Laura in the UK.
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Laura,
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thank you for emailing and hello from across the pond.
0:28
And Laura's question is about
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how to help her son find his own motivation.
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A really helpful question.
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I'm really glad that you
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wrote in Laura.
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And so I'll read part of her email
0:42
together and then we'll dive in.
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Before I do that,
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if you would like to email me with your questions or
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comments or a hello,
0:50
a greeting of sorts.
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brenna@thekidcounselor.com is my email address.
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I do check all of my own email.
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I get a lot of questions about,
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do you have someone that filters them or vets them or aggregates them in some way.
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They all come directly to me and I do read
1:06
every single one and I do respond to everyone.
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So if you would like to reach out to me,
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I would love to hear from you.
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And you can also leave a voicemail on our line if you're in the states,
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which is 813-812-5525.
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You can leave me a message and then I can respond
1:23
in an episode that way as well.
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OK,
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so let's read parts of Laura's email and then we'll dive in.
1:30
I'm fairly new to your podcast and I'm so grateful to have found it.
1:34
Our son has had it much harder than our daughter
1:38
in a way he educated us
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that we needed to do better for him.
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So consequently,
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our daughter entered the world to parents who were more aware.
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What we're struggling with now is the legacy we created
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before we began thinking about how we were parenting.
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Our son,
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who is 10,
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is almost allergic to us directing him in any way.
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He does not have intrinsic motivation for self-care
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or anything he doesn't want to do.
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It has been a major challenge for him to get to sleep since he was 3,
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and he's very reluctant to get out of bed in the mornings.
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I've begun to reflect feelings,
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give choices and limits if necessary,
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and sometimes it helps,
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but sometimes he doesn't seem to be listening.
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The thing that he kicks back about at times is encouragement.
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It almost seems as if he's cringing.
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I guess my questions are how can I help him find his own motivation,
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improve his self-worth in a way that doesn't make him cringe,
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and change the mornings.
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Currently we have to tickle him awake as the alarm just gets switched off.
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We have to keep coming back to check if he's up,
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which usually he isn't.
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Sometimes put his clothes out on his bed,
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remind him about every stage of getting ready.
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We're doing far too much,
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but if we don't,
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he just stays in bed.
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I hope that you can help us navigate this.
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OK,
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Laura,
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thank you so much and this is something that I think all of us
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face.
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It's not always a bedtime or a morning routine,
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but I think all of us as parents face a scenario where it's just the constant battle.
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So I think this is going to be really helpful.
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And then to talk about
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his own motivation and improving his self-worth,
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also really relevant for all of us.
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So thank you so much for the email,
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Laura.
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OK,
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so let's dive in.
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Laura,
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you mentioned that you have started reflecting feelings,
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giving choices,
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and providing limits,
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and then
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the thing that he pushes back about is encouragement.
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So,
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for those of you that might be new to the podcast,
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for those of you that have only listened to a couple of episodes,
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What Laura just described were the four pillars of child-centered play therapy.
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So if you are not familiar with the foundational components of
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this child-centered play therapy approach to your parenting,
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I would encourage you to go back and listen to season 1 episodes,
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and if at the very least,
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go back and start at the beginning of season
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2 because it really does serve as the foundation
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for everything about which we're going to talk
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and it's just helpful to make sure that
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you understand the undergirdings and the philosophy behind
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these skills and why we use them.
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So Laura,
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I'm really encouraged to hear that you have been using the four pillars.
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To answer your first question,
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how do you help him find his own motivation?
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An internal locus of control,
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and an internal source of motivation
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comes from a child
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that has been encouraged.
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And I understand that you're saying he's kicking back on encouragement.
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Here's what I think is probably going on.
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When a child pushes back against encouragement.
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There's usually a couple of potential reasons or sometimes a combination thereof.
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One is
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the way that it's delivered.
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In other words,
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The child is struggling with something,
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working on something,
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and in an attempt to encourage,
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we say you can do it.
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But they have been struggling for 5 minutes,
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and that feels dismissive and ignorant in their mind.
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What I mean by that is.
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In their head,
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they can't do it.
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They've already been trying and failing.
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And so to have someone say you can do it,
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their perception is,
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no,
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I can't.
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Have you not seen that I've been trying to do this for 5 minutes and it isn't working.
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So sometimes it's in the presentation and the delivery,
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because if we say an encouragement phrase
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and it doesn't seem to pair up with the child's experience,
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that is irritating to them.
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So that's one consideration.
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The second is,
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he has such a low sense of self-worth and identity and self-esteem.
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That
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his
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internal mantra and his internal self talk
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is so negatively skewed.
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That someone saying something positive about him.
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Seems like
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a lie.
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In other words,
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if all day long,
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all I say to myself is you're dumb,
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you're stupid,
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you're ugly,
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you have no idea what you're doing,
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you're always a failure,
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you're such an idiot,
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whatever,
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if those are the kinds of things that he's internally,
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and I'm not saying that he is,
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I'm just trying to paint a picture.
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If you have that kind of mentality about yourself,
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if someone says
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you'll figure that out.
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It's so foreign to them
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that it seems like an untruth,
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and they push back against it.
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Or the third option is
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that the child
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is trying to wrestle internally with
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the looking glass self concept,
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and I,
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I've shared this before,
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but it's worth repeating if you're new to the podcast or you don't remember.
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So the looking glass self concept is that you figure out who you are
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by what people reflect back to you.
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If every single time you're out somewhere
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in some kind of social situation or engaging with conversation,
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people say,
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you're funny,
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or oh my gosh,
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you make me laugh.
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You're going to have a decision to make.
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You have to say,
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everyone is reflecting back to me that I'm funny,
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so I'm going to internalize that as part of my self-concept.
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So I believe that I'm funny because lots of people have told me that I'm funny.
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Or
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you say,
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lots of people say this to me,
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but I actually do not think I'm funny,
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so I'm rejecting that sense of self-concept.
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Or you figure out how to integrate the fact that you don't really think so,
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but other people do,
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so maybe it's a partial truth.
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And so you internalize that you're
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a little bit funny,
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but you're not really sure about it,
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but it's at least a small portion of who you believe yourself to be.
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So that's the looking glass self concept.
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Now,
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let's get back to your son Laura.
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So if he has been thinking all of these things
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for so long and now you are saying something else,
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it could be that he is pushing back because he doesn't really know
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which he wants to be.
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Do I want to be capable or do I want to continue to believe that I'm incapable?
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Do I want to
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believe that I can problem solve,
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or do I fall back on what I've always told myself,
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which is that you can't figure anything out?
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So there's a wrestling that can take place which
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can cause some pushback as well and I,
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as I mentioned before,
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it could be a combination of all three.
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So you said,
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how do I help him find his own motivation,
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you continue to encourage.
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But often encouragement needs to be coupled with a feeling reflection.
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Because,
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or at least an acknowledgement of
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what's going on.
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So here's what that would look like.
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Oh,
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you're frustrated,
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but you'll be able to figure that out.
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OK,
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so I can't do it is maybe something he says,
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oh,
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you're frustrated,
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there's the feeling reflection.
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But you'll be able to figure it out if you keep trying.
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So that would be one option.
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Or sometimes the child doesn't necessarily express an emotion,
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and so we would want to acknowledge the status of things.
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So,
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wow,
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that's really tricky,
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but you're not giving up.
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So often an encouragement is most well received when it's paired
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with an acknowledgement of sorts.
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Because if all the child hears is,
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you'll figure it out.
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They can very easily say,
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no,
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I won't because they're already emotionally charged.
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But often it's softened
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in its delivery
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if we acknowledge what's happening or we reflect a feeling.
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So Laura,
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to answer that first question,
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how do you help him find his own motivation?
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You continue to encourage an esteem build as often as possible.
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You have a plan,
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you know what to do.
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You didn't give up,
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you kept trying,
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you figured it out.
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You got it,
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you did it.
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All of those things
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are ways that you help him
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develop an internal locus of control.
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The antidote to that,
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meaning what we would not want to do is praise.
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And if you are not familiar with praise versus encouragement,
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please go back and listen to those episodes.
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That is a foundational piece of the child-centered parenting approach.
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So,
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we absolutely do not want to praise and Laura,
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I don't know if you and your husband
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are
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in the habit of praising or not,
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but you need to replace all value laden words
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with encouragement and esteem building phrases instead.
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That will really truly help
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an internal locus of control be built.
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OK,
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second question,
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how do we improve his self-worth in a way that it doesn't make him cringe?
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You're going to have to do what I mentioned before,
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where you couple those things together.
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So,
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for example,
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if you say.
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Wow,
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you know a lot about.
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Robotics.
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I have no idea what your son's into,
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but I just had to make something up that a 10 year old might like.
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So you know a lot about robotics.
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And
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he goes,
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oh no,
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I don't.
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OK,
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if that's the cringe worthy moment that you're speaking of,
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then
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we respond to that.
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Oh,
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you don't feel like you know a lot about them,
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but it sure seems like you do to me.
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You want to validate,
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you want to acknowledge,
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you want to help the child feel heard and understood.
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It's uncomfortable.
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It's uncomfortable to be told
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about yourself.
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It's uncomfortable to have your feelings reflected and acknowledged.
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It's uncomfortable to have someone point out strengths if you
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don't believe that you have a whole lot of them.
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So there's a discomfort going on,
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but that doesn't mean that we stop.
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We continue to do it and sometimes we have to acknowledge that it's uncomfortable.
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Hmm,
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you don't like it when I say that you can figure that out,
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but you can.
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So there needs to be some validation that is the preface to
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the
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motivation and
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the
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esteem building and encouragement phrases,
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because those are going to be the opportunities where
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he starts to change his internal self dialogue.
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All right,
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and then 3rd question,
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how do we change the mornings?
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You already sort of identified
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the solution in your own words.
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We're doing far too much.
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Yes,
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you are.
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So here's what's here's what has happened,
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and I get it.
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It's been conditioned and it has just been a slow fade
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over time
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because you said from 3,
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he's had a difficult time getting to sleep.
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Now it has also become a difficult time waking up.
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So we know that sleeping
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is kind of the,
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the bane of the existence right now and it has been for a long time.
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So that what that means is we learn to
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make concessions,
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and we learn to pick our battles,
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and we learn that,
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well,
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this is the lesser of two evils,
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so I'm gonna do this instead of
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the other thing.
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All right,
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so what has happened is
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you all have been conditioned to fall into this pattern.
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Where
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you do absolutely everything for him
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and good intentioned,
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but here's what he has learned.
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I don't have to regulate anything.
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I don't have to have motivation to do anything.
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I don't have to have ambition or desire.
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I just sit and wait and other people will take care of it for me.
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I don't have to fall asleep.
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I'll wait till someone comes in and soothes me to fall asleep.
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I don't have to wake up,
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I'll wait until someone comes in and wakes me up.
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I don't have to get dressed,
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I'll wait till they put my clothes on the bed.
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So,
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no fault of yours,
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it's just kind of the natural evolution of things in a family dynamic,
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but at this point you're aware of it now.
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You disclosed it yourself,
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we're doing far too much.
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OK,
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so now that we know that
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we make changes.
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We don't know what we don't know,
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but once we know it,
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we can change.
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So moving forward,
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what needs to happen is you're going to
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start providing choices about the morning routine,
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but you're only going to change one thing at a time.
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So it can't be overwhelming,
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it can't be an overload,
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so one thing at a time.
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So you mentioned.
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The alarm gets turned off,
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he does not get out of bed,
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he does not get dressed.
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All right,
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so these are all different scenarios.
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You're going to have to choose which one
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is
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the most important to change first.
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What would make the morning routines easier?
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Not that it's completely easy
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and completely resolved,
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but what will make it easier?
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Is it just that he would get out of bed on his own?
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Then that becomes the
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basis of your choice.
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Is it that he would
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get dressed on his own?
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OK,
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then that becomes the basis of your choice.
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You have to decide which one's the priority,
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and you're gonna go with that one first.
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So I'm gonna go with
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him getting out of bed on his own because that was the first in the list,
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not because I think that's the priority.
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So here's how this looks.
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I'm gonna say your child's name is Jack.
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I don't know,
14:41
but
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I'm going with Jack.
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So,
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Jack,
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in the mornings,
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sometimes it's hard for you to get out of bed without our help,
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but you're 10
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and you can do this on your own.
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OK,
14:54
so notice,
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if you're not familiar with limit setting,
14:56
it's a 3-step process.
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We have to reflect the child's feeling,
15:00
we have to set the neutral limit,
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and then we move into the choices.
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So what I've done there is the first two steps of that.
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I acknowledged the scenario and the feelings and I set a neutral limit.
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So essentially,
15:11
hey,
15:12
I get it.
15:12
You don't like getting up in the morning,
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but you're capable of doing so.
15:16
That's essentially what I said,
15:17
but in a more age appropriate and child-centered approach.
15:22
Jack,
15:23
sometimes it's hard for you to get out of bed in the morning,
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but you're 10 and you can do that on your own.
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OK,
15:30
so there's your first two steps of limit setting.
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Now we're going to move into choices.
15:34
Before I get into choices,
15:36
I want to make it very clear,
15:37
and I know I've said this a lot,
15:38
but I,
15:39
I feel like I need to make sure it's sinking in.
15:42
Choices are most effective when it involves the child's currency.
15:47
So Laura,
15:47
I have no idea what matters to hypothetical Jack.
15:51
So I don't know
15:53
what would motivate him.
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Is it time with friends?
15:56
Is it ice cream after dinner?
15:59
Is it
16:01
TV time in the evening?
16:03
I,
16:04
I'm not sure what that might be.
16:06
Lego kits,
16:06
who knows?
16:07
I,
16:07
whatever really,
16:08
really truly motivates and matters to him.
16:11
That becomes part of
16:13
your choice.
16:15
So
16:16
When there is a pattern of behavior established,
16:19
you want to provide some time
16:21
before you implement the choices.
16:23
If it were me,
16:24
I would say January 1st is proverbial D-Day.
16:28
So Laura,
16:28
I might say,
16:29
Jack,
16:31
it's hard for you to get up sometimes and you
16:33
like us to help you and be involved in that,
16:35
but you're 10 and you can do that by yourself.
16:38
So starting on January 1st,
16:40
there's going to be some new expectations in our household.
16:45
Now you can choose a different date.
16:46
I'm just saying there needs to be a futuristic D-day of sorts.
16:50
So hey,
16:50
this is when this is going to be implemented.
16:53
He needs time to adjust.
16:55
He needs time to think about it.
16:56
He needs time to process it.
16:57
He might need time to get mad or scream or cry or argue or negotiate or whatever.
17:03
We're not sure how he's going to take it,
17:04
but the point is he needs to be prepared emotionally and mentally
17:09
for the fact that there are changes coming.
17:12
So,
17:13
you go through the first two steps,
17:15
you give him the date,
17:17
and then you say,
17:18
When you choose
17:20
to get up when the alarm goes off on your own.
17:24
Without anyone helping you get out of bed.
17:27
You choose
17:28
positive consequence that he really likes.
17:32
Currency.
17:34
Whatever that is,
17:35
you choose to have dinner that night.
17:38
Uh,
17:38
no,
17:39
don't starve your child.
17:40
You
17:41
it's not what I meant to say.
17:42
You choose to have dessert after dinner
17:45
that night.
17:47
Or you choose to have time with your friends after school that day,
17:51
or you choose to
17:54
get to build your Legos before bed
17:56
that day.
17:57
Notice that I'm saying that day because
18:00
the consequence is only tied to that day.
18:04
This is a huge gap in parenting knowledge.
18:08
We think that we need to have consequences that span
18:12
long stretches of time.
18:14
That makes no no sense to a child,
18:16
means nothing to a child.
18:18
So
18:19
it's for that day and that day only.
18:22
So Jack,
18:22
when you choose to get out of bed on your own with no help from anyone else,
18:27
you choose positive currency consequence
18:30
later that day.
18:31
If you choose not to get out of bed when your alarm goes off and
18:34
you choose for someone to come in and help you get out of bed,
18:38
you choose to lose
18:40
consequence for that day currency related.
18:43
So you choose not to have dessert after dinner,
18:46
you choose not to have time to build your Legos that day.
18:49
OK,
18:50
so you share this with him several times leading
18:53
up to January 1st or whatever date you choose.
18:57
And then your only job,
18:58
Laura.
18:59
This is our only job.
19:01
All of you out there with kids in this scenario,
19:04
this is our only job.
19:06
We enforce the choice that the child made.
19:10
Without emotion,
19:12
without charge,
19:14
neutrally.
19:16
So,
19:16
Laura,
19:17
January 1st comes New Year's Day,
19:20
start of a whole new life.
19:23
So,
19:23
so much context there.
19:25
So January 1st rolls around.
19:27
Jack's alarm goes off and you go in and you see
19:30
that Jack has gotten out of bed on his own.
19:34
You neutrally say.
19:37
Jack,
19:37
I see you've chosen to have
19:39
time to build Legos this afternoon.
19:42
And you walk out of the room.
19:44
Or
19:45
Jack is sound asleep in bed with the covers pulled
19:48
up over his head and has shut the alarm off.
19:51
You pull the covers back and you say,
19:53
Jack,
19:54
I see that you chose not to get out of bed,
19:56
so you choose not to have Legos today,
19:58
but you can choose to have Legos tomorrow,
20:00
and you walk out of the room.
20:03
And here's what happens.
20:05
Child develops an internal
20:07
locus of control.
20:09
child develops a sense of actions have consequences.
20:14
And child develops
20:15
the ability to self-regulate.
20:19
What has been happening,
20:20
Laura,
20:20
is that you all regulate for him.
20:24
And we need kids that can self-control.
20:27
We need kids that can regulate themselves.
20:30
And the way that we do that is giving them choices.
20:33
If you choose to get out of bed
20:35
on your own,
20:36
you choose to have this thing that really matters to you.
20:39
If you choose not to get out of bed on your own,
20:42
you choose to not have the thing that really matters to you,
20:44
which do you choose?
20:45
But here's the beauty of it.
20:46
He gets to choose another option tomorrow.
20:49
And we need to reinforce that.
20:51
You can try again tomorrow.
20:52
You can choose to have that tomorrow though.
20:55
And here's what will happen.
20:57
There will only be so many mornings that he chooses to
21:00
not get out of bed when the alarm goes off.
21:03
Because if that currency matters to him,
21:05
it's not worth it.
21:07
Staying in bed is no longer worth losing.
21:10
Fill in the blank,
21:11
whatever matters.
21:13
So Laura,
21:14
thank you so much for the email.
21:15
I hope that
21:17
that is helpful.
21:18
One final thought on that.
21:20
You said we're doing far too much.
21:23
What you need to think about is
21:25
all you're doing at this point now that you've implemented these choices,
21:29
is you're enforcing the choice that he made.
21:31
And let's be real,
21:33
we would always choose for our child to have the things that they love.
21:39
Do you understand what I'm saying there?
21:41
I,
21:41
Jack,
21:42
I would have chosen for you to have Legos tonight.
21:45
I would have chosen for you to have dessert.
21:48
I would have chosen for you to be able to play with your friends,
21:51
but you chose not to
21:53
when you chose to stay in bed when the alarm went off.
21:56
And we say it exactly like that.
22:00
Let me,
22:00
I'm gonna take a side turn really quickly,
22:02
but it's,
22:02
it's necessary.
22:04
If we say,
22:05
Jack,
22:06
you chose to get out of bed this morning.
22:09
That's not neutral.
22:11
And you know what that's communicating?
22:13
You just made me happy because you,
22:14
you did what I wanted you to do.
22:17
That's no longer a choice.
22:20
That's coercion.
22:24
Likewise,
22:25
if we say.
22:28
Well,
22:28
Jack,
22:28
I see that you've chosen not to have Legos tonight because you chose to stay in bed.
22:34
Also not neutral.
22:36
And also coercion,
22:38
because you did not do what you were supposed to do.
22:42
The neutrality is how this works.
22:45
If you are charged on the positive or the
22:48
negative end of the emotional spectrum when you respond.
22:51
It is no longer a choice.
22:55
We have to be really careful
22:56
with remaining completely indifferent about this
22:59
because all we're doing is enforcing the choice that the child made.
23:03
I see you've chosen to have dessert tonight.
23:06
I see you've chosen not to have dessert tonight,
23:08
but you can try again tomorrow.
23:11
If we stay calm and neutral.
23:14
The child fully
23:15
absorbs the weight and the consequence of their decisions.
23:20
And that's how all of the things that you want for him are developed,
23:23
his own motivation,
23:24
his internal locus of control,
23:26
his sense of who he is,
23:28
and the fact that he will self regulate all of those things will come
23:32
if we are neutral in our reactions.
23:34
All right,
23:35
Laura,
23:35
thanks again for,
23:36
for the email.
23:37
I really appreciate it.
23:38
Thank you all for hanging out with me each week.
23:40
Thank you for taking me on your runs and walks and car rides and
23:44
laundry folding and whatever else you do with me.
23:47
I,
23:48
I love that you are
23:51
really in
23:52
this parenting journey
23:53
and you're really working to,
23:56
to be the best that you can be.
23:57
That's,
23:58
that's what this is all about.
23:59
And so I appreciate that we're in this together.
24:02
My son is now 15,
24:03
so we're,
24:04
we're kind of in the
24:06
high school years,
24:07
but I know many of you have much younger kids and this is a process
24:11
and we can always become a better version of ourselves as parents
24:15
and that's what this podcast is about and that's why you're listening.
24:18
So I really greatly appreciate you all.
24:20
Have a great week.
24:20
We'll talk again soon.
24:21
Bye.
24:22
Thank you for listening to
24:24
the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
24:28
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24:31
please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.