Latest / QUESTION EVERYTHING / The Four Steps for a Healthy, Powerful, Vibrant + Love Filled Life with Somatic Therapist +  Life Coach Alyssa Nobriga

Transcript

The Four Steps for a Healthy, Powerful, Vibrant + Love Filled Life with Somatic Therapist +  Life Coach Alyssa Nobriga · QUESTION EVERYTHING

• 0:04
  Speaker 1: Big things happen when you're pretty, pretty bold, pretty clever,
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  Speaker 1: pretty strong. I'm Danielle Robe and each week my guests
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  Speaker 1: and I have conversations that put a new spin on pretty.
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  Speaker 1: This is pretty smart. There's this story about an American
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  Speaker 1: woman who moved to India that I read about years
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  Speaker 1: ago and still think about to this day, and it
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  Speaker 1: has to do with the relationship mirror. So this woman
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  Speaker 1: from New York got divorced and decided she was going
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  Speaker 1: to go on sort of an eat, pray love journey,
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  Speaker 1: and she moves to India to study with a spiritual guru.
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  Speaker 1: She ends up loving it there and stays for about
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  Speaker 1: twenty years, learning, reading, studying, and one day she goes
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  Speaker 1: to the monker, the spiritual guru, and she says, I
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  Speaker 1: think it's time for me to leave and go home.
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  Speaker 1: And he said, I've been thinking the same thing, but
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  Speaker 1: I wonder why you're feeling that way. And she said,
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  Speaker 1: I've done all the work I can do alone. In
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  Speaker 1: order to really unearth and work on things in myself,
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  Speaker 1: I need to go be in relationship. There's only so
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  Speaker 1: much self awareness we can have when we're alone. Exploring
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  Speaker 1: our relationships serve as mirrors reflecting back our deepest truths,
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  Speaker 1: our unmet needs, hidden strengths, even and definitely unresolved conflicts.
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  Speaker 1: And while every relationship, a parent child relationship, our friendships,
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  Speaker 1: our sibling relationships, they all hold a mirror up to us,
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  Speaker 1: but there's something about a romantic relationship that excavates our
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  Speaker 1: pain in a way like no other relationship does. Our
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  Speaker 1: guest Today, Alissa Nobriga is a clinical psychologist turned international
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  Speaker 1: speak her and life coach. She's the founder and CEO
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  Speaker 1: of the Institute of Coaching Mastery. You can find her
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  Speaker 1: featured in The New York Times for Psychology Today and
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  Speaker 1: even highlighted as an expert coach by Deepak Chopra. Alyssa's
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  Speaker 1: work on the four Stages of love and the relationship
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  Speaker 1: mirror focuses on who we attract into our lives. So,
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  Speaker 1: whether you're currently dating or you're partnered, Alyssa's work indicates
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  Speaker 1: that you probably attracted somebody who triggered her from your past.
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  Speaker 1: It's a mirror of the childhood wounds matching against somebody
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  Speaker 1: else's now. When she told me that, I thought I'm confused.
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  Speaker 1: I thought if I went to therapy and I did
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  Speaker 1: inner work. Then I wouldn't do that, but she says
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  Speaker 1: that we all do. It's part of the human experience
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  Speaker 1: and it's actually what we're supposed to do. It turns
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  Speaker 1: out that whether we're in a good relationship or one
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  Speaker 1: that ignites something deep in us, it's all clues on
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  Speaker 1: what is needing to be healed in ourselves, and Alyssa
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  Speaker 1: uses her expertise in both psychology and spirituality to show.
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  Speaker 2: Us the way.
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  Speaker 1: Alyssa, welcome to Pretty Smart. I'm so happy to have
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  Speaker 1: you here.
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  Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, so happy.
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  Speaker 1: So you're a clinical somatics psychotherapist. Yeah, I know what
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  Speaker 1: a psychotherapist is. What's the somatic part?
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  Speaker 2: So soma means body, so it's mind body connection, think
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  Speaker 2: like embodiment. Have you heard that term? No embodiment? So
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  Speaker 2: I love somatic work in the sense where you don't
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  Speaker 2: need to know this story to heal. You just want
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  Speaker 2: to learn to integrate the energy into your nervous system
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  Speaker 2: so it doesn't keep looping and putting you out of
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  Speaker 2: your It's called zone of genius, but or is the
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  Speaker 2: window of tolerance. It's essentially helping you regulate your nervous
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  Speaker 2: system so you can perform and be more productive as
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  Speaker 2: a result. Other people use it for healing, but for coaching.
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  Speaker 2: I use it more so for performance based.
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  Speaker 1: And when you say you don't have to know the story,
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  Speaker 1: do you mean like you don't have to know where
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  Speaker 1: the trauma originated.
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  Speaker 2: Yep, that's right. Okay, that's right. You don't have to
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  Speaker 2: even know. You can just feel attention in your body
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  Speaker 2: and you can learn to breathe into it and allow
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  Speaker 2: it as long as it's not big T trauma. Everybody
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  Speaker 2: has trauma, but as long as it's not big T
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  Speaker 2: trauma meaning something that's when you work with a trauma specialist,
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  Speaker 2: not a coach. I am licensed psychotherapist, but I work
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  Speaker 2: as a coach now, so kind of mixing the world
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  Speaker 2: of transformation and energy strategy and energy I like the
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  Speaker 2: two that to me is where we create more sustainable change.
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  Speaker 1: I was reading that since you were twelve, you wanted
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  Speaker 1: to be a healer and live in the Redwoods, but
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  Speaker 1: also wanted to live in New York City and do business.
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  Speaker 2: Wearing still listens to let us.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, oh that's funny. Have you achieved that in your
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  Speaker 1: own life?
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  Speaker 2: I have, you know, And I was just teaching my
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  Speaker 2: certification students yesterday, and I was talking about purpose and values.
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  Speaker 2: And because I was so clear that I wanted to
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  Speaker 2: be a healer and live in Redwoods and live in
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  Speaker 2: New York City and do marketing, I didn't think that
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  Speaker 2: I couldn't have both for some reason, and I just
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  Speaker 2: kept following the next intelligence step, and now I do that.
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  Speaker 2: I help people heal and I do marketing. I help
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  Speaker 2: people do marketing and heal because like people will say, like,
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  Speaker 2: I'm afraid of putting myself out there, right, and you
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  Speaker 2: don't actually put yourself out there. You put your services
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  Speaker 2: out there. So I help them do some of the
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  Speaker 2: inner work so that they can share their magic more easily.
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  Speaker 2: But I think if I had looked outside to find
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  Speaker 2: a template, I wouldn't have found it, and I would
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  Speaker 2: have been overwhelmed with all the options versus getting really
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  Speaker 2: clear inside first and then creating it just naturally by
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  Speaker 2: following my likeness.
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  Speaker 1: I haven't heard anybody say you don't put yourself out there,
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  Speaker 1: you put your service. That's really sort of freeing.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, a lot of people get hooked up around you know,
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  Speaker 2: I hate asking for money, But if we break it down,
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  Speaker 2: it's like we don't actually ask for money. We state
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  Speaker 2: our services and people are empowered to say yes or
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  Speaker 2: no no asking, and so doing some of the inner
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  Speaker 2: work helps us more easily grow our businesses or share
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  Speaker 2: the work that we're called to do in the world.
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  Speaker 2: So you specialize in relation I do. And you mentioned
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  Speaker 2: in your work often the four stages of love. Yes,
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  Speaker 2: so what are those four stages? So the four stages
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  Speaker 2: of love are I need love? I choose love. I
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  Speaker 2: am love and love beautiful. Okay.
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  Speaker 1: The first stage I need love is the idea that
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  Speaker 1: in order to be.
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  Speaker 2: Happy, I'm not whole yet I need you to complete me.
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  Speaker 2: I am half and you are my other half, rather
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  Speaker 2: than being a whole and like I am sovereign in myself.
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  Speaker 1: Well, I think about my friends, and a lot of
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  Speaker 1: them I think are in a space where they're like
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  Speaker 1: really ready for a partner and they're like, I want
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  Speaker 1: my husband and a little it sounds a little bit
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  Speaker 1: like this, to be honest, it's desperate.
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  Speaker 2: I don't know. That's where are like really clingy or
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  Speaker 2: or desirous.
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  Speaker 1: It's right, it's desirous. It's looking for like I think
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  Speaker 1: they feel like it's going to fulfill something and it
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  Speaker 1: might momentarily.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, yes, but it also then creates a lot of clinging,
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  Speaker 2: and it puts more pressure on the relationship rather than
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  Speaker 2: letting it flower into what it wants to be. And
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  Speaker 2: we can project all of our fantasies of like Night
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  Speaker 2: and shining Armor from Disney and all the things that
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  Speaker 2: we've been conditioned to believe what it will be, and
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  Speaker 2: no one relationship will ever give us that. The good
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  Speaker 2: and the bad news, you know, it's like the good
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  Speaker 2: news is then we learn how to source this love
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  Speaker 2: withinside of ourselves to present these parts and really ideally
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  Speaker 2: we learn to at least, you know, as we move
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  Speaker 2: up the chain of the four stages, we learn to
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  Speaker 2: be with ourselves at every level, so then we can
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  Speaker 2: allow those parts of ourselves to be healed. Sometimes people
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  Speaker 2: may attract a partner and they're not emotionally available or
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  Speaker 2: they don't need that, not that specifically, but maybe there's
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  Speaker 2: something that they don't need their partner to grow and
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  Speaker 2: evolve with them, and that's okay. We have non negotiables.
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  Speaker 1: So for I need love. What is the difference between
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  Speaker 1: codependency and just feeling like I'm ready to be partner?
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  Speaker 2: Yes, I think when there is obsessiveness and cleanliness and
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  Speaker 2: overthinking about it, then that's pointing to something deeper inside
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  Speaker 2: of you. So what happens is if I feel lonely
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  Speaker 2: on stage one, I'm going to outsource that loneliness to
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  Speaker 2: find somebody so I don't feel that way. But ironically
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  Speaker 2: we abandon ourselves to look for somebody to fill us
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  Speaker 2: because we haven't been taught that we can meet that
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  Speaker 2: part of ourselves that feels lonely. And ironically, as that's
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  Speaker 2: stage one to stage two, as we start to meet
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  Speaker 2: that part of us that feels lonely, ironically we feel connected. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: and then it's easier to let in a partner and
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  Speaker 2: feel that sense.
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  Speaker 3: Of connection, right, And that's I choose loss as I
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  Speaker 3: choose love.
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  Speaker 2: The second stage is where I think more people are
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  Speaker 2: waking up to, which is I choose love. So our
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  Speaker 2: partners are going to activate where like puzzle pieces are
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  Speaker 2: wounding from childhood, it's normal for that to happen. It's
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  Speaker 2: actually intended to happen so that we can heal those things.
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  Speaker 2: So it's like, well, do I choose you to help
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  Speaker 2: me do the healing work together? Because it's going to
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  Speaker 2: come up either way, But do I want to do
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  Speaker 2: it in this relationship? So I choose love. It's like
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  Speaker 2: I choose to look at the parts of me that
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  Speaker 2: are triggered so that I can bring love to them. Okay,
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  Speaker 2: and so let me even break that down because mainstream
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  Speaker 2: society has it backwards. So we think that if I
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  Speaker 2: find a partner, then I'll be happy. But it's like,
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  Speaker 2: when I'm happy, then I'll find a partner. Yeah, And
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  Speaker 2: it's so backwards mm hmm. And actually, when you.
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  Speaker 1: Are it's anything in life, right?
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  Speaker 2: Is everything exactly exactly? And ironically the last place that
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  Speaker 2: we would be willing to look holds the key to
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  Speaker 2: our freedom. So if we feel lonely and we embrace
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  Speaker 2: that loneliness, we feel connected ironically.
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  Speaker 1: Wait say that again.
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  Speaker 3: So if we embrace loneliness, okay, ironically it opens us
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  Speaker 3: to connection.
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  Speaker 2: Oh yeah, uh huh. If we embrace unworthiness, ironically, we
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  Speaker 2: experience worthiness.
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  Speaker 1: Right because you're saying whatever I'm feeling, I'm okay with.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, and I feel your wholeness and that part of
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  Speaker 2: us no longer needs to look outside to find the
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  Speaker 2: person to give us the needs. But nobody could ever
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  Speaker 2: fulfill every single one of our needs. Yeah, and so
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  Speaker 2: as we learn what I call insourcing that we learn
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  Speaker 2: to be with these parts, we feel whole, We feel
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  Speaker 2: free and vibrant, and ironically, then we attract a partner
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  Speaker 2: no longer from those toxic, conditioned patterns.
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  Speaker 1: Right, those wounds, those wounds.
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  Speaker 2: We actually attract a partner from the state of which
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  Speaker 2: we're operating from, because again, we wouldn't put up with
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  Speaker 2: anything less.
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  Speaker 1: So you talk about the Happily ever After syndrome, and
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  Speaker 1: I was like, is this like having Disney Fever or
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  Speaker 1: is it? Yeah? So what is this? Yeah?
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  Speaker 2: So this is like the fantasy of my partner. This
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  Speaker 2: is really stage one that they will fulfill all of
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  Speaker 2: my needs, Okay, and then I'll live happily ever after
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  Speaker 2: when we know that that's not true, but we haven't.
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  Speaker 2: I think we kind of want to think that. But
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  Speaker 2: actually it's much easier when we have the tools to
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  Speaker 2: be with these parts of ourselves and actually heal them
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  Speaker 2: at the root. It up levels every relationship, not just
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  Speaker 2: romantic friendships, co workers, family, you know. And I a
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: lot of the stages that were developed through my own
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  Speaker 2: love journey. And I remember when I was dating this
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  Speaker 2: beautiful man. Oh, he was such a beautiful man. There
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  Speaker 2: was no reason in my mind why I left him.
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  Speaker 2: But when I was getting license as a psychotherapist, I
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  Speaker 2: was doing a lot of my work around my mom,
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  Speaker 2: who was the parent that I had more troubles and
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  Speaker 2: problems with than I needed to heal. I started healing
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: them at the root within myself around my mom, my projections,
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  Speaker 2: my story that she was clinging or needy, and then
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: I was repulsed right and by men that were needy
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: and all these things. So as I started to heal
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  Speaker 2: it within myself, I left that relationship. But I didn't
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  Speaker 2: know I was doing it at the time because I
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: was no longer a puzzle piece. I was no longer
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: a fit because I healed them at the root. So
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  Speaker 2: in my mind, I'm like, why am I leaving this
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  Speaker 2: beautiful man? But in hindsight, I can see I no
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  Speaker 2: longer needed to play out my childhood problems with him
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  Speaker 2: because I had already resolved them.
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  Speaker 1: So you talk about this puzzle piece, yeah, and it's that, Well,
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  Speaker 1: you tell me, so what is that idea?
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  Speaker 2: So like, you will clearly have a partner that will
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  Speaker 2: activate any of the triggers that are inside of you
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  Speaker 2: from childhood that are looking to be seen presence, integrated
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  Speaker 2: and he resolved. And so for example, I'll give one
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  Speaker 2: example with my husband. So he growing up, you know,
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  Speaker 2: I started really growing my company in the last five
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  Speaker 2: years and really growing for it, and I started getting
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  Speaker 2: busy at work, and that brought up a wound inside
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  Speaker 2: of him. When he was younger, his dad was really
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  Speaker 2: busy at work and his little boy didn't feel important,
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  Speaker 2: so he projected that onto me. Now, it's really important
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  Speaker 2: to understand your wounds and your patterns and your partners.
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  Speaker 2: You can hold them with compassion, not take it personally.
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  Speaker 2: You can be a loving presence to support each other
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  Speaker 2: in healing. But ultimately it's still up to you to
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  Speaker 2: meet those parts because most likely your partner's going to
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  Speaker 2: be activated at the time that you need healing, and
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: so you want to know how to take care of
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  Speaker 2: it and come back to the conversation as well as
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  Speaker 2: healing in the relationship if they're available for it. So
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  Speaker 2: there's something really important that I speak to around you
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  Speaker 2: could have protective parts. These are defense mechanisms. So if
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  Speaker 2: my husband were to say, you're so busy, like why
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  Speaker 2: do you keep working? If he were to blame or
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  Speaker 2: judge or stay in this protector part, I would get
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  Speaker 2: defensive and then I would further disconnect from him. But
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  Speaker 2: if he was willing to be vulnerable and drop into
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  Speaker 2: the vulnerability underneath the protective part and say I miss
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  Speaker 2: you and I'm scared we're falling apart or moving drifting away,
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  Speaker 2: I'm going to drop into my heart and be like,
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  Speaker 2: oh my god, sweetheart, I love you. Thank you for
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: telling me that that you're important to me. When do
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  Speaker 2: we make time?
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  Speaker 1: Esther Perel says, under every frustration, there's a desire. Yes, yes,
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  Speaker 1: And that's kind of what you're pointing out, right, Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: he was annoyed that you were busy, but really it's
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  Speaker 1: I miss you. Yes.
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  Speaker 2: Inside of every plant, I would say, is a desire. Okay,
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  Speaker 2: every complaint has a desire, So sharing it as a
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  Speaker 2: complaint is going to create defensiveness, right, But if you
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  Speaker 2: share the desire inside of it, you create connection. Same
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  Speaker 2: thing with this patterning that I'm sharing. So there's protective
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  Speaker 2: parts who are defensive, and that's going to create more separation. Versus,
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  Speaker 2: if you feel this safety in the relationship, you can
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  Speaker 2: insource what I call insourcing your own safety.
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  Speaker 1: You have a whole book, can't feeling I do?
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  Speaker 2: I have a whole method. Yeah, And so insourcing that
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  Speaker 2: safety to really be with that part of you that's
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: scared and be like it's okay, sweetheart, I get that
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: you're scared. Or however, somebody wants to compassionately talk to
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  Speaker 2: themselves to create that safety, then they have the courage
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  Speaker 2: to be vulnerable when the relationship is warrant of that
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: you know kind of vulnerability. If it's safe enough to
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: do so, share the vulnerability and test it out. I
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: always say to people, don't believe me, but be willing
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  Speaker 2: to test it out and see how you come stronger
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  Speaker 2: together as a result.
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  Speaker 1: You often hear today and also in your videos talk
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  Speaker 1: about if the relationship is safe enough to do so.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, well, like you know, you don't want to just
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  Speaker 2: practice this on somebody that has been bullying you and
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  Speaker 2: they don't, you know. I think Brene Brown talks a
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: lot about like being vulnerable in the relationships that are
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  Speaker 2: worth your vulnerability and like you feel safe to do so,
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  Speaker 2: so you're not really traumatizing yourself. But I will share
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  Speaker 2: in psychotherapy terms, there's something called and I've kind of
• 15:08
  Speaker 2: changed the names turtle and tiger. Okay, so one partner
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  Speaker 2: for their own to create safety unconsciously sometimes become the tiger.
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  Speaker 2: They get louder when they don't feel safe, and often
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  Speaker 2: they date a turtle, and you can be different ones
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  Speaker 2: depending on who the relationship is. The turtle curls down
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  Speaker 2: and gets silent, and so what happens is then there's
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  Speaker 2: more disconnect. And so when you can in source your
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  Speaker 2: own safety, you create that safety withinside of yourself. You
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  Speaker 2: start to have the courage to open up if you're
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  Speaker 2: the turtle, and then if you're the tiger, start to
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  Speaker 2: like simmer down.
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  Speaker 1: So you actually meet in the middle, so you could
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  Speaker 1: be humans.
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  Speaker 2: You can actually connect. Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: I like the tiger and turtle analogy.
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  Speaker 2: It's helpful.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. What are you.
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  Speaker 2: I'm a little well, I'm a little bit more tiger. Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: With my husband in past relationships, I have been a turtle.
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  Speaker 1: I that is so surprising.
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I love my husband's pretty chill, he's pretty zen.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, So okay, the second stages, I choose love. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: this one you say most people are at. But it
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  Speaker 1: also stuck with me because how do you not choose
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  Speaker 1: someone from your childhood, would I feel like it's inevitable.
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  Speaker 2: No, No, you are meant to It's not bad that
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  Speaker 2: you're you're choosing somebody. So it's also like the stronger
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  Speaker 2: the attraction, the deeper the wound. Unfortunately, so if you're like,
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: ohaving warm at the bar, you're like, oh them, that's
• 16:31
  Speaker 2: usually a sign that there's some healing work to do.
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: Got it.
• 16:33
  Speaker 3: Now.
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: I'm always advocating for, like, you know, never to be
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: in a relationship with somebody that's abusive or you know,
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: verbally or emotions or physically. And when you attract somebody
• 16:44
  Speaker 2: into you, there's a reason why you're attracted to them.
• 16:46
  Speaker 2: It's not bad. But have the tools so that you
• 16:49
  Speaker 2: can resolve and heal it and no longer keep trying,
• 16:51
  Speaker 2: because if you're you don't keep playing it out because
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: if you're like avoiding it, you're unconsciously attracted in somebody else.
• 16:58
  Speaker 2: And so just do the work, have the tools, and
• 17:01
  Speaker 2: then you're free.
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: Okay, So this is my question. I'm most excited to
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: ask you because one of my favorite articles I've ever
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: read in my life is in the New York Times.
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: It's called you will Marry the Wrong Person? Oh Yes,
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: so the author is a therapist, and he suggests something
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: very similar to what you talk about, which is basically,
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: we draw individuals to us that reflect unresolved childhood issues,
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: emotional baggage, dysfunction. But he says, like you said, it's okay,
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: it is okay. You just have to be willing. You
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: need to find somebody that you're willing to do the
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: work with you.
• 17:34
  Speaker 2: Yes, if that's your intention, or you can do the
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: work on your own, but then you most likely bounce.
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: Maybe if it's important, if it's a non negotiable to
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: have a partner that grows with you, then you bounce.
• 17:46
  Speaker 2: If it's not, because not everybody has that agreement or
• 17:50
  Speaker 2: non negotiable, they may because you can do the work.
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: This is the beauty of the thing. One person's changes
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: the dance, and the whole dance changes. You don't need
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: both players, be both people in the relationship to do
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: the work to get free. A lot of times people
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: are like, I need my wife to coach with you,
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: and I start laughing because it's really a reflection of
• 18:09
  Speaker 2: them needing to do the work about their wife.
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: But okay, just to push back, huh. If somebody starts
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: evolving yes, and the other partner doesn't. It doesn't conflict
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: arise because no, Okay, tell me.
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: The person that's doing the work to evolve may evolve
• 18:28
  Speaker 2: beyond them, but it doesn't necessarily need to be from conflict.
• 18:31
  Speaker 2: It's similar to my story where it's like, I don't
• 18:33
  Speaker 2: understand why I'm leaving. He's a beautiful man, but you
• 18:36
  Speaker 2: did leave. But I did leave, but they didn't have
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: to have conflict in it. I also left because I
• 18:41
  Speaker 2: wanted somebody to do the work with me and this
• 18:44
  Speaker 2: was less of his priority.
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah that makes sense.
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah, So you can't actually tell yourself not to feel
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: attractive to somebody because that your thoughts and your feelings
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: speak a different dialect. It's like Chinese and German. It's
• 18:55
  Speaker 2: like telling yourself isn't going to do anything. You still
• 18:57
  Speaker 2: have feelings for somebody, So it's better instead to say,
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: what is the pattern that's getting triggered inside of me?
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: And how do I learn to really heal that at
• 19:06
  Speaker 2: the root emotionally, somatically, mentally, right, I have a whole
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: process around it. But as people start to do that, like,
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: that's what creates freedom, and that helps us wake up
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: to a bigger love. I would say ninety percent of
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: relationships are about healing the past at this point, but
• 19:23
  Speaker 2: once you graduate, it's about celebration of love. It's about
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: waking up to the love that you.
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: Are, whether it's it ultimately is self love or love
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: with a partner. That's right. Okay, So this guy in
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: the article says, the person who's best suited to us
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: is not the person who shares our every taste, but
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: the person who can negotiate differences in taste intelligently, the
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: person who is good at disagreement. How important is it
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: to be good at fighting?
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: It's very important. I think most people never have a
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: plan around how to fight right, and so they're in
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: their more olympic system, and then they're fighting and they're
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: more primitive instead of consciously. When I used to work
• 20:02
  Speaker 2: with couples before they'd get married, they used to be
• 20:04
  Speaker 2: a couple of therapists. I would talk to them about
• 20:06
  Speaker 2: what are your agreements for how you want to fight,
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: so that they didn't revert back to some of the shame,
• 20:12
  Speaker 2: blame or whatever they witnessed in their parents or silent treatment.
• 20:15
  Speaker 2: So then it's with mutual respect, it's with keeping my
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: heart open, or say, if I know my husband has
• 20:22
  Speaker 2: abandonment issues, it's not his, but if he did, and
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: I need space to myself, I'm more of a turtle.
• 20:27
  Speaker 2: I may say, look, haty, I need this conversation isn't
• 20:30
  Speaker 2: going anywhere that's productive. I need five minutes myself. I'll
• 20:33
  Speaker 2: come back, or I need a day to myself, but
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: I will come back so it doesn't activate more of
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: his trigger. And then that way we learn and have
• 20:41
  Speaker 2: a new template for how we do arguments by taking responsibility.
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: And I also think the way that we share feedback
• 20:47
  Speaker 2: is important. To say, there's something called the feedback wheel
• 20:50
  Speaker 2: that's really helpful, and I'm forgetting all of it at
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: the top of my head, but it's essentially this is
• 20:54
  Speaker 2: what happened. This is what it reminded me of. This
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: is my request moving forward, no longer blaming, which is
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: one of the most toxic things.
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: Wait, so this is what happened.
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, this is what it reminded me.
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: Okay, and this is what I need moving.
• 21:09
  Speaker 2: This is what I Yeah, if there's a request moving forward.
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: Oh, that's a nice template.
• 21:13
  Speaker 2: Three prongs.
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's cool.
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: Can you guess the number one most common complaint. After
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: any first date, first meeting, or interview, I wish they
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: had asked me more questions. I've studied the art of
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: conversation for a decade, and I know one thing for sure.
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: The most interesting thing is to be interested. But sometimes
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: it can be awkward to enter a conversation or you
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: just don't know what to ask. Here's the solution, two words,
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: question everything. This game is like a super power in
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: your pocket because questions are an accelerator. There are way
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: in I put together a deck of cars of fifty
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: two of my favorite questions, ones that have sparked some
• 22:04
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• 22:08
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• 22:12
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• 22:16
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• 22:23
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• 22:28
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• 22:33
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• 22:34
  Speaker 1: And I've never done this before, but pretty Smart people
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  Speaker 1: are my people, So use the code pretty Smart at
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  Speaker 1: checkout and you'll get free shipping. Now, whether you're grabbing
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: these cards for a friend's dinner, party, a birthday, or
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: a date. Just no question. Everything is not a game,
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: It's a game changer. Talk to me about soulmates I
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: read on Instagram. I'm embarrassed to admit. Elizabeth Gilbert wrote,
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: people think a soulmate is your perfect fit, and that's
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: what everyone wants. But a true soulmate is a mirror,
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: the person who shows you everything that is holding you back,
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: the person who brings you to your own attention so
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: you can change your life. A true soulmate is probably
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: down your walls and smack you awake. But to live
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: with a soulmate forever, Nah, too painful. I love, Liz,
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: What do you think about? That kind of made me sad?
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: I want a soulmate forever.
• 23:33
  Speaker 2: I think, and I have a different frame on it,
• 23:35
  Speaker 2: and I think everyone is your soulmate, here to awaken
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: and evolve your soul everyone everyone. What do you mean
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: there's egoic love, which is one special person. It's fine.
• 23:47
  Speaker 2: I don't think ego is bad. Ego is just identification
• 23:49
  Speaker 2: with thoughts and feelings, and we want helping integrated egos
• 23:53
  Speaker 2: but this is more the disney. You are the one,
• 23:56
  Speaker 2: You're it, and then we control and manipulat and hold
• 23:59
  Speaker 2: so that we make sure that they fill our needs.
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: So I think it depends on the level of consciousness
• 24:04
  Speaker 2: that you are hearing this. But for me, everyone is
• 24:08
  Speaker 2: a mirror showing me how to love myself more fully.
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: So the taxi driver, the everybody, everyone, I get that.
• 24:15
  Speaker 2: So it's like, oh, if this taxi driver is short
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: with me, how instead of blaming the taxi driver, which
• 24:22
  Speaker 2: really I can't change them, where am I short with myself?
• 24:26
  Speaker 2: Or what does that trigger inside of me? If it
• 24:28
  Speaker 2: does so? And how do I react to anytime I'm triggered?
• 24:32
  Speaker 2: It's a projection happening, meaning they are a mere where
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: I haven't accepted a part of myself. Maybe in my
• 24:37
  Speaker 2: family system, anger wasn't okay, and this taxi driver just angry,
• 24:41
  Speaker 2: and they can teach me how to have a healthy
• 24:43
  Speaker 2: relationship with my anger. So I'm always learning and paying
• 24:46
  Speaker 2: attention to triggers. That's how your soulmate is everyone showing
• 24:51
  Speaker 2: you how to love that part of you more fully.
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: Is it everyone and everything or just everyone?
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: Everyone and everything? You can project on your cat. Anytime
• 24:58
  Speaker 2: it's triggering, it's a mirror. And so if it's not triggering,
• 25:02
  Speaker 2: So for example, like the relationship I left, I'm just like, oh,
• 25:05
  Speaker 2: it's no longer a fit. That means that I've healed
• 25:07
  Speaker 2: it at the root. Yeah, but the trigger shows me
• 25:10
  Speaker 2: that there's something unresolved looking to be healed inside.
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah. And if someone feels the trigger, which is the
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: first step is to recognize it's what's the next step
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: to bring curiosity into it?
• 25:23
  Speaker 2: So, yes, recognize it, and then bring curiosity where did
• 25:26
  Speaker 2: this come from? Get really more mindful about your relationship
• 25:31
  Speaker 2: with this part of you. So if it's anger, what
• 25:34
  Speaker 2: is my relationship with anger? I think it's easier to
• 25:36
  Speaker 2: judge other people and so just be really honest. They
• 25:39
  Speaker 2: shouldn't be so angry. It's like, oh, where am I thinking?
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: I'm not allowed to be angry because they are your mirror.
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: So the more you can get clear on your judgment
• 25:48
  Speaker 2: about them, the more it shows you about that part
• 25:50
  Speaker 2: and that pattern inside of you. And ironically, in my method,
• 25:53
  Speaker 2: it's about bringing acceptance to that part of you mentally, emotionally, somatically, ironically,
• 25:58
  Speaker 2: as you accept it, freed from it, do.
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: You have to know the story to accept it. Now,
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: that's when you bathe ninety seconds.
• 26:05
  Speaker 2: That's when you can just allow it for ninety seconds. Yeah.
• 26:08
  Speaker 2: And sometimes just with people you know in relationship, when
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: they're arguing some or if a partner's going through a
• 26:14
  Speaker 2: hard time, you might just ask for do you want
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: to be heard or helped? Because I think a lot
• 26:19
  Speaker 2: of the times the partner might jump in to try
• 26:21
  Speaker 2: to fix it and they really just want to be heard,
• 26:23
  Speaker 2: and so to have some of the language just to
• 26:25
  Speaker 2: check in how do I best love you, or like
• 26:27
  Speaker 2: really nourish the relationship, you know, asking telling them every
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: night going to bed like pillow talk. It's like one
• 26:34
  Speaker 2: thing you did that or said, or the way that
• 26:37
  Speaker 2: you shut up for me, this is one way that
• 26:38
  Speaker 2: I felt really loved by you today. Yeah, it helps
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: not only like deepen that connection, but it also informs
• 26:44
  Speaker 2: your partner about how you're receiving their love so that
• 26:47
  Speaker 2: they can continue showing up in that way because we
• 26:49
  Speaker 2: don't all receive love the same ways.
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: A lot of your work, the part that stuck out
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: to me that I loved is that there really is
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: no healing for you. It's more about acceptance the difference.
• 27:01
  Speaker 2: I think when we come from this idea of healing,
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: it sounds like something's broken, and really there's nothing broken
• 27:07
  Speaker 2: inside of you. To me, the work is about parting
• 27:10
  Speaker 2: the clouds that block the awareness of your wholeness, and
• 27:13
  Speaker 2: so you can breathe into the sensations that are activated
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: and ironically feel more sense of peace and freedom that's
• 27:21
  Speaker 2: underneath it. Or you can question the thoughts that cloud
• 27:24
  Speaker 2: your wholeness and freedom, or be with the scared part
• 27:27
  Speaker 2: of you. But the way to actually create stuffness in
• 27:31
  Speaker 2: your life is to identify with a pattern or a feeling.
• 27:35
  Speaker 2: It's not I'm sad, it's I'm experiencing sadness.
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: Wait, what did you say to create stuffness?
• 27:40
  Speaker 2: If you want to if you want to be stuck,
• 27:42
  Speaker 2: you doo wants to be stuck exactly, So you do
• 27:45
  Speaker 2: two things. I want to make sure you get it. So, okay,
• 27:47
  Speaker 2: you identify with it. So the moment you identify with something,
• 27:51
  Speaker 2: it's hard to change it. So when people say I'm sad,
• 27:55
  Speaker 2: I'm codependent, there's identity. It's like, oh, I have a
• 27:58
  Speaker 2: codependent pattern, or codependency is here now, or silence is here.
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: It's like how we don't say someone's an alcoholic, they
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: deal or struggle with alcoholism.
• 28:06
  Speaker 2: So there's no identity in it, got it. Okay, the
• 28:08
  Speaker 2: moment you're identified, it's harder to you're more stuck with
• 28:10
  Speaker 2: it here, it's harder to change.
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 28:12
  Speaker 2: The other thing is you judge it. Ironically, what you judge,
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: you're stuck with. So the opposite is true. If you
• 28:18
  Speaker 2: don't want to be stuck, you don't identify, and you
• 28:21
  Speaker 2: don't judge, you can even bring acceptance to the part
• 28:25
  Speaker 2: of you that's judging. Cool. So then it's like, oh,
• 28:29
  Speaker 2: there's the judge again. There she's just working on overdrive.
• 28:32
  Speaker 2: Appreciate you, judge duty, you know, whatever the is.
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: It doesn't there's anxiety again.
• 28:37
  Speaker 2: Yeah, right, And then just so for anxiety, I would
• 28:40
  Speaker 2: leathe into it somatically because anxiety is always in the
• 28:43
  Speaker 2: mind about the future, and so the way to break
• 28:45
  Speaker 2: that is through somatic work, feeling into the body to
• 28:48
  Speaker 2: break the chain of thinking. And you actually presents it
• 28:52
  Speaker 2: and it's like I just think of it like this
• 28:54
  Speaker 2: frantic or you can think of like clouds in the sky.
• 28:56
  Speaker 2: You are the sky and these these clouds are just
• 28:59
  Speaker 2: blocking the awareness of the peace, the well being, the freedom,
• 29:03
  Speaker 2: the wholeness underneath everything, and by accepting it, ironically, it
• 29:07
  Speaker 2: parts the clouds. And I always tell people, don't believe me,
• 29:10
  Speaker 2: test it. So it's like, even if you feel a
• 29:12
  Speaker 2: contraction in your body right now, wherever it may be,
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: maybe the shore or the heart, we're all to breathe
• 29:18
  Speaker 2: into it as an experiment, just to fully allow it
• 29:21
  Speaker 2: to be here. You could see me contract, yeah.
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: Exay, have questions.
• 29:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I love it and we're going to get
• 29:26
  Speaker 2: into that and like just to see, oh there's that part,
• 29:29
  Speaker 2: there's that contraction. Yeah, breathing into it, allowing it opening,
• 29:34
  Speaker 2: not wanting to get rid of it. It's just saying
• 29:36
  Speaker 2: you're welcome here like a kid, like just giving it
• 29:38
  Speaker 2: a hug. Okay, I see you, Okay, you're all good.
• 29:42
  Speaker 2: Breathing in.
• 29:44
  Speaker 3: And then letting go, and then you notice starts to dissolve.
• 29:49
  Speaker 3: So everything is looking for acceptance that works. Yeah, And
• 29:53
  Speaker 3: we think it's judging it, it's going to change it,
• 29:56
  Speaker 3: but it's accepting it that allows it to move on.
• 29:59
  Speaker 3: Because every part of us and every person is going
• 30:03
  Speaker 3: to defend to the degree they don't feel accepted.
• 30:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah, So the moment these parts of us are seen
• 30:10
  Speaker 2: or accepted, they move on. You know. So even these
• 30:14
  Speaker 2: things like inner criticism or self doubt or perfectionism, whatever
• 30:17
  Speaker 2: we think we're dealing with, there's a positive intention inside
• 30:21
  Speaker 2: all of them. It's like, Oh, if I'm being critical
• 30:23
  Speaker 2: with myself, you can ask yourself, what do you fear
• 30:26
  Speaker 2: would happen if you stopped criticizing yourself? And you might say, well,
• 30:32
  Speaker 2: if I stop criticizing myself, I won't do better. So
• 30:34
  Speaker 2: it's like, oh, that critic just wants me to do better. Oh, okay,
• 30:37
  Speaker 2: I can think that part of me, but I can
• 30:40
  Speaker 2: upgrade the method. Maybe I have a review. But ironically,
• 30:44
  Speaker 2: being compassionate is more productive. So it's like, oh, I
• 30:48
  Speaker 2: can choose to be compassionate with these parts and still
• 30:51
  Speaker 2: upgrade the behavior of doing better moving forward.
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: It's almost like you have to override your first instinct.
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: You have to acknowledge it, override and have a different
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: tool to come in. Yes.
• 31:01
  Speaker 2: Yes, because we've been conditioned innocently without the right tools. Yeah,
• 31:06
  Speaker 2: and I think life gives us feedback. Suffering has an
• 31:09
  Speaker 2: intelligence in it, So why not test something else out
• 31:12
  Speaker 2: just for one day or one week? To say, oh,
• 31:13
  Speaker 2: what if I was whatever, anybody listening, whatever your number
• 31:16
  Speaker 2: one block is, people pleasing, perfectionism, self doubt, whatever it is.
• 31:20
  Speaker 2: If you change your relationship with that block, that block changes.
• 31:24
  Speaker 2: So for one day or one week, can you thank
• 31:26
  Speaker 2: that part of you for trying to protect you and
• 31:29
  Speaker 2: just breathe into it and be like, Okay, there you are.
• 31:32
  Speaker 2: You're just trying to make sure if it's the inner
• 31:33
  Speaker 2: critic that I'm that I'm doing better moving forward, thank you,
• 31:37
  Speaker 2: and then still move forward. But you're doing it from
• 31:39
  Speaker 2: a place of ease and compassion. It can change your life.
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: The third stages that love lives within us. Yeah, how
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: do we it sounds amazing, How do we truly embody it?
• 31:51
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's more about a removal process around the idea
• 31:56
  Speaker 2: that somebody else gave it to us. One of my
• 31:58
  Speaker 2: practices is to sit and still and really question things.
• 32:02
  Speaker 2: Let's do an exercise. So think of who do you
• 32:04
  Speaker 2: feel and this is for you and everybody listening. Who
• 32:07
  Speaker 2: have you felt most loved by in the world?
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: Probably my parents.
• 32:12
  Speaker 2: Yeah, So let yourself just feel into that love that
• 32:16
  Speaker 2: they that they've offered you, and notice how it starts
• 32:19
  Speaker 2: changing your body as you think about them and theer
• 32:25
  Speaker 2: and just like maybe there's a memory or a specific
• 32:27
  Speaker 2: moment when you felt really loved by them, And notice
• 32:32
  Speaker 2: what starts happening to your body.
• 32:36
  Speaker 3: My breath slows down and my heart rate slows. Yeah,
• 32:42
  Speaker 3: And would you say you feel more or less love
• 32:44
  Speaker 3: in this moment?
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: More?
• 32:45
  Speaker 2: Yeah? So you just access that without them being here.
• 32:50
  Speaker 2: That means it's yours that they have powered of you.
• 32:55
  Speaker 2: And so we can do this with any partner that
• 32:57
  Speaker 2: we think we lost something. We can really sit silence
• 33:00
  Speaker 2: to discover did I really lose anything or was it
• 33:04
  Speaker 2: just a thought that robbed me of my own realization?
• 33:08
  Speaker 2: That's so good for breakups that nobody can give you
• 33:12
  Speaker 2: love and nobody can take it away. It's beautiful. So
• 33:15
  Speaker 2: then you get to you know, and if somebody wants
• 33:18
  Speaker 2: to more fully develop this, sit in silence, play a
• 33:21
  Speaker 2: song that makes you feel so loved, use a memory
• 33:24
  Speaker 2: in your life or journal to keep activating it and
• 33:27
  Speaker 2: to keep knowing that this is your power, that it's
• 33:30
  Speaker 2: the powers in you, not them, and you can access
• 33:34
  Speaker 2: that to offer that to yourself anytime you need it. Yeah,
• 33:37
  Speaker 2: that's stage three.
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: Stage four simply love Yes, you use a roomy quote.
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: You are not a drop in the ocean. You are
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: the entire ocean. And a drop that's so good.
• 33:48
  Speaker 2: That's so good. So the way to really discover stage
• 33:51
  Speaker 2: four is more the removal around identity. So if you
• 33:54
  Speaker 2: write down I am for myself, I'm a woman, I'm forty,
• 33:59
  Speaker 2: i am an entrepreneur. Whatever the stories are that we
• 34:02
  Speaker 2: think we are, sit with each one of those and
• 34:05
  Speaker 2: really question, can I absolutely know that that's true without
• 34:09
  Speaker 2: going to my mind the past or the future, just
• 34:12
  Speaker 2: right here and now, who and what am I? When
• 34:15
  Speaker 2: I don't reference memory, when I don't reference a story
• 34:20
  Speaker 2: of who I am? Who am I beyond the story?
• 34:24
  Speaker 2: And then you it's an inquiry you really sit with
• 34:26
  Speaker 2: there's a presence here because my body changes, my age,
• 34:32
  Speaker 2: my profession, my relationships, feelings come and go, thoughts come
• 34:36
  Speaker 2: and go, but something doesn't come and go, and and
• 34:40
  Speaker 2: that's your soul and that is you can there's different
• 34:42
  Speaker 2: words for it. I would say presence, the presence of
• 34:45
  Speaker 2: who and what you are or you know that some
• 34:48
  Speaker 2: people may call it soul. But what is the direct
• 34:52
  Speaker 2: experience of what's here beyond a story, beyond referencing my
• 34:56
  Speaker 2: mind to tell me who I think I am.
• 34:58
  Speaker 1: You're really giving me something to say think about.
• 35:00
  Speaker 2: Uh huh. And notice like instead of when I say
• 35:03
  Speaker 2: who am I, which is the real inquiry, self inquiry?
• 35:07
  Speaker 2: When I say who am I, don't go looking to
• 35:10
  Speaker 2: fill silence or stillness with something because the mind's always
• 35:14
  Speaker 2: looking to fill it with something. Notice what's noticing. Some
• 35:19
  Speaker 2: people might say there's an observer, but even prior to
• 35:23
  Speaker 2: someone observing, there's just an observing. There's a bigger presence
• 35:28
  Speaker 2: that these thoughts come and go within, the feelings come
• 35:31
  Speaker 2: and go within. And this is where we start going
• 35:33
  Speaker 2: more to a spiritual enlightenment, more of a deeper inquiry. Yeah,
• 35:38
  Speaker 2: for those that are interested and ready.
• 35:43
  Speaker 1: I was having resistance to that stage. I was with
• 35:47
  Speaker 1: you on all three stages. Uh huh.
• 35:49
  Speaker 3: I have to work on that one. Yeah, it's more
• 35:51
  Speaker 3: about and it's more of a removal.
• 35:53
  Speaker 2: It's like, oh, I think that I'm Danielle, I think
• 35:56
  Speaker 2: that I have this or I am that. And then
• 36:00
  Speaker 2: but really, honestly, and your honesty is the best key,
• 36:03
  Speaker 2: just really genuinely looking, can I know without a shadow
• 36:07
  Speaker 2: of a doubt, without referencing my mind that that's true
• 36:09
  Speaker 2: in this moment, and then it's like, well, where's the
• 36:13
  Speaker 2: proof that I have a pot.
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: We've worked so hard, most of us to become things right,
• 36:18
  Speaker 1: and so it's like removing all of that.
• 36:20
  Speaker 2: It's right.
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: What are you doing to me?
• 36:22
  Speaker 2: Is like on a desk, grip for its own survival,
• 36:24
  Speaker 2: holding on, and that's innocent.
• 36:26
  Speaker 1: You asked your husband this on your pod, So I
• 36:28
  Speaker 1: want to ask you, Okay, what is the hack to
• 36:32
  Speaker 1: having a vibrant, healthy, powerful, fulfilling relationship?
• 36:35
  Speaker 2: One hundred percent responsibility. And most people know this, but
• 36:40
  Speaker 2: they don't really live it. So I would say the
• 36:43
  Speaker 2: foundation to any thriving relationship is taking personal responsibility for
• 36:47
  Speaker 2: my part I also think it's really helpful to know
• 36:50
  Speaker 2: what my partner's wounds are and what mine are, so
• 36:52
  Speaker 2: we can see how they play a puzzle piece together.
• 36:55
  Speaker 2: And oftentimes we end up blocking love that's available to
• 36:58
  Speaker 2: us because of our patterns, and so once we understand
• 37:01
  Speaker 2: what ours are and how we block love, it's easier
• 37:03
  Speaker 2: to then remove that. So when we don't see it,
• 37:07
  Speaker 2: it's harder to change it. So the first step is awareness.
• 37:10
  Speaker 2: But relationships are so good and there's so many hacks
• 37:13
  Speaker 2: that people just don't know you know that can really
• 37:16
  Speaker 2: support them, which is talking from the vulnerability instead of
• 37:19
  Speaker 2: the defensive part. Learning to be there for myself in
• 37:23
  Speaker 2: the ways that I was looking for my partner or
• 37:25
  Speaker 2: my parents in the past, to be there, because then
• 37:28
  Speaker 2: we get to insource that safety and then we just
• 37:32
  Speaker 2: project love onto others. And it doesn't mean we won't
• 37:34
  Speaker 2: have little tips or misunderstandings, but you know how to
• 37:36
  Speaker 2: navigate them more easily. You have the tools. Yeah, and
• 37:40
  Speaker 2: you know, one of the greatest gems I would say
• 37:41
  Speaker 2: I've discovered is that truly, when I choose to keep
• 37:45
  Speaker 2: my heart open, I'm free. And so even if I
• 37:49
  Speaker 2: open my heart to my closed heart, it's like, okay,
• 37:52
  Speaker 2: it's okay that I don't want to open I don't
• 37:54
  Speaker 2: feel safe, that's okay. Just that real acceptance feels more
• 37:57
  Speaker 2: of the feminine. So part of mythology is awareness and
• 38:01
  Speaker 2: then acceptance. But this acceptance is embracing the thoughts, the feelings,
• 38:06
  Speaker 2: the sensations, embracing those parts of you, and then moving
• 38:09
  Speaker 2: into more of the masculine taking action in our businesses
• 38:12
  Speaker 2: and our relationships, because it's a lot easier to do
• 38:15
  Speaker 2: that when we're not at war inside because sometimes we're like,
• 38:18
  Speaker 2: I want love, but I'm scared of it. Right, We've
• 38:20
  Speaker 2: got this competing desire inside, and so when we count.
• 38:23
  Speaker 3: A lot of that's subconscious, though one hundred percent that's right.
• 38:27
  Speaker 2: So if somebody says anytime they have a goal, they
• 38:30
  Speaker 2: want to arrive at a goal and they're not able
• 38:32
  Speaker 2: to do it, I would always ask them what do
• 38:34
  Speaker 2: I fear would happen if I got that goal? So
• 38:37
  Speaker 2: it's like, what do I fear would happen if I
• 38:39
  Speaker 2: was in the relationship? And then it helps ask powerful
• 38:43
  Speaker 2: questions to hear your own insights and wisdom. It's like,
• 38:45
  Speaker 2: oh my god, I'm afraid I'd be hurt again because
• 38:47
  Speaker 2: I loved deeply and I got hurt. And then I
• 38:50
  Speaker 2: would ask that person, can you absolutely know that that
• 38:53
  Speaker 2: relationship ending hurt you? Or was it the story you
• 38:56
  Speaker 2: told yourself about the ending that hurt you? Yeah, Because
• 39:00
  Speaker 2: then if they believed that the next person that was
• 39:02
  Speaker 2: coming was going to be a better fit and a
• 39:04
  Speaker 2: more amazing relationship, that wouldn't hurt them. So that's their power,
• 39:08
  Speaker 2: not in the situation.
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And that's the thing with women our lives keep
• 39:13
  Speaker 1: getting better.
• 39:13
  Speaker 2: They do keep getting better. They do keep getting better.
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: They do. Every time I've been heartbroken, yeah, I feel
• 39:19
  Speaker 1: like it's the end of the world. And then each
• 39:22
  Speaker 1: time I'm in a better relationship. And that's a reflection
• 39:25
  Speaker 1: of the work that you've done. So you have to
• 39:27
  Speaker 1: believe that for yourself, and you have to have the
• 39:29
  Speaker 1: tools to keep mending your heart. It's not time that heals,
• 39:33
  Speaker 1: it's love that heals. So the more you bring love
• 39:37
  Speaker 1: to those tender parts, the more they heal. That's beautiful. Yeah, okay,
• 39:41
  Speaker 1: I have some rapid fire fight.
• 39:43
  Speaker 2: Let's do it.
• 39:43
  Speaker 1: What is a book that you've read that you think
• 39:45
  Speaker 1: everybody should read?
• 39:46
  Speaker 2: A New Earth by Cartole hands down changed my life?
• 39:51
  Speaker 1: When did you read it?
• 39:53
  Speaker 2: Whatever? Oprah did the thing twenty twelve, two thousand and eight.
• 39:56
  Speaker 2: I have no idea.
• 39:57
  Speaker 1: A while ago.
• 39:58
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that like my Bible, where I've read
• 40:01
  Speaker 2: it by my nightstand. I've read it and every time
• 40:04
  Speaker 2: I keep opening it, maybe thirty five times, I keep
• 40:06
  Speaker 2: opening it, and there's a different level that I get.
• 40:08
  Speaker 2: It's profound and it's really stage four. That's stage four
• 40:12
  Speaker 2: for people that are interested.
• 40:14
  Speaker 1: I still I think I'm probably around stage three because
• 40:18
  Speaker 1: I cannot get like, I try to read that book
• 40:20
  Speaker 1: so many times and I'm I'm gonna try until I'm there. Yeah.
• 40:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And he says like trust, trust the intelligence of
• 40:29
  Speaker 2: when you it feels right for you.
• 40:31
  Speaker 1: Okay, pick a card for the day, any card that
• 40:34
  Speaker 1: you feel pulled to.
• 40:34
  Speaker 3: Okay, feel the energy of the cards. Ooh, okay, what's
• 40:41
  Speaker 3: your favorite scent? I love rose?
• 40:46
  Speaker 1: You do?
• 40:47
  Speaker 2: I also love sandalwood.
• 40:49
  Speaker 1: Both are good?
• 40:49
  Speaker 2: Yeah, maybe together? You kind of.
• 40:51
  Speaker 1: If I were to name a flower like you as
• 40:53
  Speaker 1: a flower, it would be rose. Oh, thank you, I
• 40:56
  Speaker 1: see that. Thank you, Alyssa. What is the smartest decision
• 40:59
  Speaker 1: you've ever are made?
• 41:01
  Speaker 2: To follow my intuition moment to moment, beyond logic, to
• 41:05
  Speaker 2: trust my gut, knowing and just a great powerfully move forward.
• 41:10
  Speaker 1: I've never had anybody say that that's a great answer.
• 41:13
  Speaker 2: That's your compass, that's your power. Nobody's like it guides
• 41:18
  Speaker 2: us moment to moment.
• 41:24
  Speaker 1: Okay, you know what time it is. Today's a good day.
• 41:27
  Speaker 1: To have a good day. I'll see you next week.