Latest / Soul Salon with Ayandastood / 63: you fear what you crave: to be seen. it's time.

Transcript

63: you fear what you crave: to be seen. it's time. · Soul Salon with Ayandastood

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you are here to change lives,
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but we can't be changed by you if you're hiding.
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We can't be moved by you if you're not moving.
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We can't be affected by you if you stay within this shell.
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So the energy that the universe has gifted all of us
0:13
through you is being blocked.
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The love that the universe has gifted all of us through you
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is being blocked by you not stepping into
0:20
that fullest expression.
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You are infinitely profoundly magical
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and you are living this paradox.
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And I'm receiving that you love paradoxes.
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You are living this paradox of visibility
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in that what you seek the most to be seen,
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to share your gifts and be celebrated
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is also what you fear the most.
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And that is to be seen.
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Some of your deepest wounds are related to visibility,
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bullying, sharing your gifts and being laughed at
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or criticized, being told to be quiet,
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being told to tone yourself down,
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being told you were too much, too loud,
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taking up too much space,
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internalizing that message from childhood,
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from bullying or from even people in your life
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who should have protected and celebrated you,
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actually criticizing and making you feel small,
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making you feel shame instead of love,
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rejection instead of radical acceptance and celebration.
1:20
So there are these deep wounds and these deep childhood pains
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that you have internalized
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and as such created the shell of protection around yourself.
1:30
This calcified all the stories around what it means
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to be seen, what it means to shine your light,
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therefore leading you to dim your light,
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to take up space in a way that was so different
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from how you would as a child,
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to be less vibrant, to be less expressive.
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And it feels like you never have found your way back
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to that level of expression,
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to that level of sharing your light with the world,
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being the loud voice in the room,
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singing or dancing, I'm getting that,
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I'm receiving that, you used to love performing.
2:01
And you've lost that love in some way
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and you're trying to find your way back to it
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and you've already been feeling glimpses
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of that reconnection of that love,
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but then there's also the heartbreak
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of what would have happened if you'd never given up.
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If you'd stayed on that path, where would you be now?
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So there's a lot of self forgiveness
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that you're being invited to.
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Okay, so that's some of your deepest wounds
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around visibility,
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but also some of your favorite moments in your life
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have been the moments when you felt truly seen.
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I'm receiving that you're an incredible listener.
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You hold such a beautiful space for people.
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You allow people to feel seen, to feel heard.
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You give them space to say things
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that they've never even said.
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People often say to you, wow.
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No one's ever asked me that question or oh my word.
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I've never told that to anyone or wow,
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I'm still thinking about what you said to me three years ago.
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That question you asked me,
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or the way you listened to me,
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or the conversation we had has stuck with me ever since.
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So you change lives through your listening
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and through the poetry of your existence.
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So the moments where you have felt seen,
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maybe you've been in a group
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and you've told the joke and people have all laughed.
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And that's felt so you're like, hmm, I like that.
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So you like entertaining.
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You like sharing your gifts and being recognized for them.
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You like singing in front of people
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who actually value your voice.
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You like sharing your poetry with people
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who value your craft and the artfulness of your expression.
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You like being seen is actually the funny thing.
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You love being seen.
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The difference is you love being seen
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when you know you will be lovingly witnessed.
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Hmm.
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What we are all seeking my love when it comes to being seen
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is not just to be seen.
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We don't just wanna be seen.
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There's people I don't want to see this video.
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We want to be lovingly seen, to be lovingly witnessed.
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We want someone who is willing to celebrate.
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Each of us has a memory of childhood
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where we learn to do something.
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Could have been a handstand, it could have been to whistle.
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And we said, look, look, mom, look, friend,
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look, person, look at me and lovingly witness me.
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We didn't say those words, but celebrate me, acknowledge me.
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And in those moments came some of our deepest wounds
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when people looked away instead of looking towards
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when people looked at us with indifference
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or with annoyance, with irritation,
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with blame, with anger instead of with softness,
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with love, with receptivity,
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with radical receptivity to what we were there to give.
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It's in those moments that we were looked to with judgment
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instead of with acceptance and celebration
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that some of these wounds calcified into the shell of protection
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that we now are trapped within.
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The thing about a shell is of course it serves a purpose.
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It serves the purpose of protection.
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It can protect us from the outside world.
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It can protect us from harsh sunlight.
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And in this sense, it protects us from some of the humiliation
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that we fear can come with being seen.
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So we hide ourselves and we shrink ourselves
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and you've been doing that.
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But you sense that it's too much now.
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You are tired of hiding.
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And what's coming through is the words,
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people less talented than you, taking up more space,
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getting opportunities that you feel,
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you could attract to yourself if you went all in.
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People less knowledgeable than you being guests on podcasts
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or sharing their wisdom or thoughts with the world.
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Now what I do want to say, babes,
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because I've also been there, people less than than me.
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It's the ego.
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It's this hierarchical understanding
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because I know more, what is even to know more?
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Can knowledge even be measured in that way?
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You know this idea of quantification of self
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that comes from capitalism, colonialism, patriarchy,
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the notion of hierarchy, of dominance.
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Like I dominate this topic,
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therefore I should be the one speaking on it, right?
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And both things can be true.
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It's amazing to hear from someone
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who has deep wisdom in a subject or topic, absolutely.
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But I just want to give voice to the idea that this narrative
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that people less talented than me
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are receiving more opportunities,
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it's not the most loving way we could choose to look at it.
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And being loving, it's a daily practice, it takes work.
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I am on this journey with you in terms of that.
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No one arrives.
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We all fail to be loving in many ways.
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And I think we're on this path of trying to be more loving.
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So I wanted to offer that shift
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that we don't need to put anyone down as we seek
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to live our dreams.
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We can say that every one of these people who I admire
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and receiving the idea that envy is also part of your experience,
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envying people who are living your dream,
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envying people who are taking up the space
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that you want to take up
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and receiving the opportunities, collaborations, money,
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abundance that comes with them
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sharing their gifts with the world.
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And so there's an envy feeling there.
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And I just want to say I hold that with so much love
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and it can be a really painful experience to move through.
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We all feel it, especially in this again,
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quantified, algorithmized reality of the online space.
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But also in our day to day lives,
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we feel envy of relationships that we're not in
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or experiences, we're not having travel,
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we're not doing all of these things.
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So I just want to hold love for you.
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But while the shell has served the purpose of protection,
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it's now causing you to feel suffocated.
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You are ready to extend beyond the shell.
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And what I'm hearing is that some of your fears
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are around releasing the shell of protection around you,
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but also some of your wildest dreams
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and desires will be unlocked by that release.
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By you stepping into sharing your light with the world,
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sharing your gifts, your magic, your art,
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your ideas, your thoughts, your perspectives,
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like you are here to change lives.
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But we can't be changed by you if you're hiding.
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We can't be moved by you if you're not moving.
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We can't be affected by you
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if you stay within this shell.
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So the energy that the universe has gifted all of us
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through you is being blocked.
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The love that the universe has gifted all of us through you
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is being blocked by you not stepping into
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that fullest expression.
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So I have this e-book called The Soulful Visibility Guide.
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And it's free for now.
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And you can receive it on my website into your inbox
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at ianderstud.com.
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As we talk about the paradox of visibility,
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something that completely changed my life
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is Audrey Lorde's work.
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And I share this in the e-book.
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And one of her essays that I return to again and again,
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and this essay, her work, her words,
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may she rest in peace, power and poetry,
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I'm so in awe.
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And I want to read you this quote
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because it speaks to the paradox of visibility.
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It speaks to this dual desire and fear we have,
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this absolute desire to be more seen,
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to take up more space, to be witnessed in our magic
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and our gifts with this complete absolute fear
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of humiliation, of essentially social death.
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So what I want to read to you is this quote by Audrey Lorde,
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she says, in the cause of silence,
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each of us draws the face of her own fear,
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fear of contempt, of censure,
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or some judgment, or recognition,
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fear of challenge, of annihilation.
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But most of all, I think, we fear the visibility
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without which we cannot truly live.
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Most of all, we fear the visibility
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without which we cannot truly live.
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That is from the essay,
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The Transformation of Silence into Language and Action
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by Audrey Lorde.
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And I want to share with you that you can feel
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that what we seek most, what we crave,
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what we long for, what we yearn for,
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is also what we fear.
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And it's not just visibility in our creativity and craft,
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in our relationships, we fear being truly seen.
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We fear that we are not lovable
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if we share all of ourselves.
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We've been told we're too much,
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so we hide ourselves, so you hide yourself.
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And you sense that there is a deeper level of connection
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on the other side of this hiding.
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And that's also why the fear of being seen
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is showing up for you.
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So what I want to say to you, my darling,
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my love, my angel, is this fear of humiliation.
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Did you know that the root of the word humiliation
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comes from the idea of making something humble.
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And humble used to mean lowly.
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It used to mean less than, right?
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So you're making someone, you're reducing them
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to the level of a lowly person.
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So we can hear the baggage of that.
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It's a hierarchical system.
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That is the cultural historical baggage
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that this colonial word, rooting from Latin,
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is carrying the idea that you are reducing someone
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to a base level.
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It's like a basement, right?
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A basement, meaning mortification, embarrassment, shame,
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all those things.
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So when we think about it, if we want to see a world
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that's not rooted in hierarchy,
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we have to start acting in alignment with that world,
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which means in that world we're all living our essence
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which is love, and we're all seeing the essence
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which is love in others, and in earth.
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So in that world, there is no humiliation.
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You cannot reduce people because we are irreducible
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because we've come home to love within ourselves
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and within how we see others.
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So when we see that, and we see a lot of people
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are talking about this beautiful
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in order to have the life that you want,
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you have to start acting as if you are already
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the one living that life.
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And if you take that to the collective level,
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if we want to see a world rooted in love,
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collective healing, abundance, thriving, safety,
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don't we have to start acting as though we are already
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those people, don't we have to start believing
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in the parts of the collective that are that
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and that want to be that, and all they're looking for
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is the invitation that you are uniquely here to provide,
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like you are here to speak a specific language
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to those people who are meant to hear you.
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Because we're not all moved by the same energies.
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So we need everyone's energy to align with love
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so that it can move who it's meant to move
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and invite them into more love.
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Because love is an abundant energy,
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we will never tire of the invitation into love.
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There will always be more to do.
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There'll be more music, we can listen to,
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there'll be more perspectives, we can hear,
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there'll be more embodiment, more dance, more singing,
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there will be more relationships and relational
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understandings like love is infinite
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because love is the infinite.
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Love is another word for the divine.
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Love is another word for God.
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Love is another word for source.
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Love is the most powerful energy of all.
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So there is so much to do.
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And so that's why if you're worried about taking up space,
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baby love has space.
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Love will never tire of space.
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There can never be enough voices being about love.
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There can never be enough artists
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creating through and with and for love,
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which could be singing a very melancholic song.
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We know that that is part of love's history and music.
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People's history of love through music
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is these deep feeling melancholic songs
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of struggle, of heartbreak, of mourning, of grieving,
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of activism, like that is part of some of the most moving
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pieces of art have come from and through love
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and you are one of them.
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And you are one of them.
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From the perspective of the universe,
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can you be humiliating?
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Could you be humiliated?
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You are a creation of the universe.
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You are the art of the universe.
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And so there's nothing humiliating about you.
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And so when you realign yourself to love
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and there's that Mary and Williamson quote
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that hand the Rumi quote, for Rumi,
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it was do not seek for love,
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seek for the barriers within yourself
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that separate or remove you from it.
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He did say at the end of that quote and embrace them.
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So there's that idea of radical acceptance.
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And then there's a Mary and Williamson quote,
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which says, and I think it's from
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what she has studied called the Course in Miracles
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where she says that love cannot be taught.
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But what we can teach and what our aim should be in this life
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is to remove the blocks that prevent our awareness
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of the presence of love, which is our birthright,
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which is our inheritance.
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So remove the blocks that prevent our awareness
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of the presence of love.
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So what is blocking your awareness of the presence of love?
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We have so many things in the society that are doing that.
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And so part of this path of being seen
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is holding that in a child that didn't feel good enough
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that was humiliated, that was bullied
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or that felt ashamed or ashamed in some way
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and loving them back to life, loving them to healing,
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loving them radically, fiercely, lovingly, divinely,
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being that older sibling or that parent
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or that knowing presence in their life,
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that lovingly witnesses them at every step they take.
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That says, there's nothing shameful about you.
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There's nothing wrong with you.
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There's nothing that needs to be hidden behind the shield,
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the shell of perfectionism, I suffer from that shell.
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So there's many different shells that we can hide within
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hide behind perfectionism, the idea that if I show up
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in a certain way, I will protect myself
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from essentially being seen as not enough,
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which is what I already feel.
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And so we guard ourselves where it has to be perfect
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because I don't get to be seen if it's not.
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It has to be perfect because I can't deal
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with what it would look like for people to see me
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as I actually am.
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And what I love and has humbled me so much about this work
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around the fear of being seen is how infinite it is.
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It's not comparable, that is the colonizer's framework
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that you conquer something, you dominate it, you win it,
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that life is a competition and a deadly one at that.
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Actually, in this case, first of all,
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through love, there is no competition,
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there is no dominance or conquering,
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but second of all, life is an infinite expansion.
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So with the fear of being seen,
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there's the myth that we're gonna arrive at this level
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of completely not fearing being seen.
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But that's not human.
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Why is that?
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Because we're social beings, we are wired for connection,
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we are connection, as I say,
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meaning that we are actually an embodiment
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of all the things that connect us,
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our culture, our family, our lineage,
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our language and languages, our understandings,
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the things we've read, the things we've seen,
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we connect all those things,
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like we are that walking connection of those aspects
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of reality that have touched and moved and been through us.
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So because we're social beings,
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there will be part of us that seeks the acceptance
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and approval of our peers and of others.
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The idea that we will eventually reach the state
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of not feeling afraid to be seen,
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I think would mean that we have completely lost
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something essential about what it means to be human.
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Sometimes we're aiming for something
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that is more aligned to what we think
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reality should be than what it is.
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There will always be the unknown of what the other thinks of us
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and that unknown will always cause a little bit of anxiety
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or a lot, like some spectrum of tension.
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What we can do is dance with this tension,
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release some of the tension, reduce the tension
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and why this work has humbled me where I started
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is that you will continue to be invited to be seen
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on more and more or bigger or different arenas of visibility,
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different dimensions of visibility.
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So for example, now I can speak to you like this
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and I can feel like, okay,
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even though I have some in a criticism,
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it's so much less of a block than it used to be.
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But like now I'm being invited to do something else,
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which is maybe sing or do something else,
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which is maybe interview other people.
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So we're always being invited, invited, invited.
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Someone asked me, why don't you host an in-person event?
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I said, oh my goodness, what?
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What? That is so scary.
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You mean people live can just respond?
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So then that planted a seed,
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what if you host an in-person event, fear of being seen?
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So we're always being invited,
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this is why I'm creating a group container
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to step into the boldest visibility that we can this year.
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It's gonna be a small group of people
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and we're gonna be taking this to the next level
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because I have plans and I wanna work
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in like an intimate space with people on it.
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I'm gonna be doing a bunch of things
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on the fear of being seen, so watch this space.
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It starts with this e-book,
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so make sure you get the e-book.
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Okay, soulful visibility.
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And I'm also gonna be doing a free training,
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so watch this space for that.
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So if you're interested in that,
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all you need to make sure you are on is my email list,
18:12
which you will do by signing up for this e-book.
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If you've already got the e-book, you're there
18:16
and I will be communicating with you via email,
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otherwise babes join us, join the soul salon,
18:22
join the soul siblings, join the e-mail list.
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Okay, so am I dawning my love, my angel?
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Your essence is love, so you can't be humiliated now.
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Not to say your ego can't be humiliated,
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of course it can be.
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Of course it can be, and it's painful, it's painful.
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One day I think I may have just like a humiliation,
18:39
vibe like party or something,
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I'm gonna just share stories of embarrassment
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because we're really, that's what we're avoiding.
18:45
You know how thinking of the word like mortified,
18:47
I'm mortified, and how it's like rooted in death
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to make dead, mortal, immortal, it's all related to dying.
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So we have this notion of a social death,
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but because we're social beings,
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a social death feels like a physical death.
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They're not separable, that's why when people feel
19:04
like they don't have a social sense of love,
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they feel unworthy in their life force,
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and if this is you, we are sending you so much love,
19:12
you are so eternally worthy, and we are with you in this life,
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and we are with you, and we are thinking of you,
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and we are channeling you, and you are so powerful,
19:18
and beautiful, and this will pass,
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and love will find you in its physical manifestation,
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that love is all around you in its spiritual one, okay?
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Okay, my love, okay.
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So this is what I felt cool to share today,
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my darling, my angel, my love.
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I wanna just say, I love you, you are love,
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and the more you align yourself with that truth,
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the more the idea of what could go wrong,
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will stop holding such a huge power over you,
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because what could go wrong will not change the fact
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that you are love and you are loved,
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and also the more you stand in your truth and power,
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the more you will attract, the friends,
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the community that peers, the mentors, the group spaces,
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that you're actually supposed to be in.
19:56
You at least deserve to find out.
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Don't you think that's true?
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Don't you just deserve to find out,
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like aren't you tired of the story around what will happen?
20:02
Wouldn't you rather just write the story by living it?
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Let's leave it there, my darling, my love,
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my angel, I love you so much,
20:08
and I'll see you on the next sole session.
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You are love, you are loved,
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you are the essence of love itself,
20:13
you are poetry, you are the poem,
20:15
you are the universe's divine creation,
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the universe is proud of you,
20:19
the universe is not ashamed of you,
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you are the universe, you are the cosmos,
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and through you we get to experience
20:25
so much more expansion, love, poetry, music,
20:29
generosity, service, abundance, truth, wisdom, creativity,
20:34
playfulness, pleasure, delight,
20:36
and we all need those frequencies.
20:38
So please let the love that is trying to be expressed
20:40
through you, express, do not block, but allow,
20:43
do not withhold, but share, do not hide,
20:46
but stand in your light and stand in your power,
20:48
and know that you are not alone.
20:50
The collective is awakening, the collective is rising,
20:52
and we need voices, artists, teachers,
20:55
business owners, leaders to step into love
20:58
and purpose and service and show us the way,
21:01
and you are someone's way, I assure you of that.
21:04
Love you so much, and I will see you on the next
21:06
sole session, I love you, bye.
21:09
My darling, my love, my soul, sibling,
21:11
thank you for stepping into the sole salon.
21:14
If you are still hearing or watching this,
21:16
we are sole siblings.
21:18
We are resonating on the same frequency,
21:20
and so something you may struggle with,
21:22
that I struggle with, is the fear of being seen.
21:25
You know that visibility is involved in you,
21:27
living your creative purpose and being in your power,
21:30
serving the collective through your gifts,
21:33
through your magic, through your medicine.
21:35
In order to do that, you know you need to be more seen
21:39
than you are allowing yourself to be right now.
21:42
I have a gift just for you,
21:44
heart made for us on this frequency,
21:47
and it is a free e-book called the Soulful Visibility Guide,
21:51
that is Soulful Visibility.
21:53
Like we don't just want to be seen,
21:54
we want to be felt, we want to be heard,
21:57
we want to move and be moved.
21:59
So I do have a free gift for you,
22:01
and all you need to do is go to my website,
22:03
www.ianderstud.com,
22:05
and there you will be able to input your email address
22:08
and receive this directly to your inbox.
22:11
This is such a juicy and delicious guide,
22:14
and I change the free offering every few months.
22:17
So, you know, get it while you can.
22:18
All the links are in the show notes.
22:20
So thank you so much, I love you,
22:22
and I will see you on the next Soul session.
22:24
Okay, I love you, bye.