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ARE YOU LONELY? Friendship in Motherhood · The Wholehearted Enneagram Podcast

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever felt lonely?
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Are you sometimes surprised by your feelings of loneliness, even when you're surrounded by a houseful of little people?
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: And do you find yourself reserved with your kids or your spouse because of your feelings of loneliness?
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: I know I have been in that place, and more than once.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because not long ago I had three little babies in a city where I still felt like a stranger, and I was downright lonely.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: And what was already a lonely road is even more lonely because over the last year you and I have found ourselves more isolated and more divided than ever.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: So, what's a mama to do, especially if you face intense physical limitations and ongoing lockdowns?
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: Well, today I have a few ideas to help pull you out of that lonely place and empower you to take the next step out of your loneliness.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: And first up will be how I found connection in one of the most surprising places.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, my name is Amy Wicks, and I help you navigate the overwhelm and frustration of motherhood through faith, Enneagram, and simple plans.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: As a faith-based Enneagram coach, I champion you to love your mothering style because you are the mom your kids need, even when you don't feel like it.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a mountain mama who somehow ended up on a cul-de-sac in the Midwest, overwhelmed and frustrated by motherhood.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: But the Lord didn't let me stay there.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: He helped me turn the challenges of motherhood into a wholehearted decision to get intentional with my faith, my self-awareness, and my family.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: Each episode of this podcast provides perspective through story, wholehearted purpose, and simple plan so you can discover how to love your mothering style and be confident that you are the mom your kids need.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: Think of this podcast as your on-the-go mom pal and friend who can't help but talk about Jesus and the Enneagram.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: So get to that pile of laundry, or hit the treadmill, or load up the kids in the car for that grocery run.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Get ready to be encouraged and empowered while you listen.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: This is the Simply Wholehearted Podcast.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: With three little babies in a city where I still felt like a stranger, I was lonely.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: And our church at the time was over 30 minutes away.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: Had zero family in town, and I had recently lost a close friendship.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: So I really wasn't looking to open my heart to friendship again.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: We were also in a very long season of working our way and through financial peace.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: So we had zero margin in the budget.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: I have shared some of that part of our story in the podcast before, but one of our strategies for getting out of debt and making ends meet was selling items on Craigslist.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: And at the time, this was the only platform to do this sort of thing.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: So it was January, which means it was cold.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: And when you have three little kids, well, there's just not a whole lot to do.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: But I got a message from someone interested in buying a$15 item off Craigslist.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: I was quick to respond, happy to meet you as soon as you want.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that little meet cute led me to a gas station in a part of the city where I didn't normally go.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: After I made the exchange, I was looking around and noticed the Chick-fil-A.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't something that I would normally do because, well, Chick-fil-A, I love you, Chick-fil-A, but you're just not the dollar burger place.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: And when you're on a budget, it's not the first fast food place that you're gonna go.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: But I had$15.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: And since I didn't have an immediate need for that$15, I thought it was time to splurge.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: I was gonna take the kids and I to Chick-fil-A and treat ourselves to sitting someplace else, someone else cleaning up the mess, and then a playroom to burn off the extra winter energy.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: Well, as usual, and you know, even back this long ago, and it was only, I don't know, 10 years ago, but the dining room was busy, the drive-thru was long, and thankfully we were able to snag a table pretty quickly.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: And the kids were eating and you know, was full of little conversation and trying to make sure the milk didn't spill and you know that the ketchup packets could be opened.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I was just enjoying myself.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: I was enjoying a new, some new scenery and just a different thing that had not really been a part of my life for a long time.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: Well, as I'm just watching and people watching, because you know that's fun to do, I notice a woman walk through the front door, and she's got a baby carrier on one arm and she's got a toddler on her hip, and she's got two other little girls, about my girls' age, straggling behind her.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: She looks like a deer caught in the headlights, like, oh my gosh, what have I just done?
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: Where am I?
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: And what do I do?
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: I felt for her because here she had four little ones in tow, all about my kids' age, but she had a bonus one.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: And every seat was taken in the dining room.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: I was thinking, oh my gosh, what is she gonna do?
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: She's gonna get her food and where's she gonna sit?
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: And for some reason, my heart immediately went out to her.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Now, that probably for my Enneagram too, friends, it's probably something you would immediately think immediately think, but it's not necessarily what I immediately think.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: But in that moment, I did.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: I remember telling my kids, hey, you know, we should probably finish and hurry up eating so we can go into the playroom and we got to make some tables empty for the new people coming in in.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: They need a place to sit too.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: So we finished up pretty quickly.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't see the woman again at the time.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: And as we're playing in the play area, I noticed her, and she sure enough had sat in the table that we were been sitting in before that we had vacated recently, and it looked like she too was rushing her kids through dinner.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: All of a sudden, she does come into the playroom, and I had the bench full of stuff.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: I really wasn't interested in sharing the bench, but she looked longingly at the empty seat beside me.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: So I met her eyes and cleared off my stuff and patted the seat next to me on the bench and said, Hey, yeah, no one's sitting here.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Feel free.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Well, she sat down and it was apparent that she needed to nurse her little guy.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: And he was little, like just a couple months old.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: So uh her little girls, I realize are about my girls' age, and she has a little boy, my boy's age, and they start playing and they're having fun.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, even though she was nursing her little baby, I thought, what the heck?
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sitting here, nothing to do.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: And this was before my smartphone, so I couldn't get lost in my smartphone.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, so I just started asking her questions.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: I don't remember what questions I asked, but yeah, I know I'm a naturally curious person, and I got curious.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: So we started talking and we realized, yeah, okay, our girls are almost exactly the same age.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: And oh my goodness, your girls are 14 months apart apart.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: And oh, your next one is about the same age as my son.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: And you just moved from Ohio?
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: No way.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: I used to live in Ohio.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my goodness, you moved here in March of 2009.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: We did too.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: That's crazy.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: We both have our nose pierced, and I was ready.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: We hadn't even shared names, but I was I was getting ready for her to say, My name is Amy.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: It was so weird.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: We shared some of the craziest information in a very little span of time, and we realized we had so much in common.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: It was getting a little eerie.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, when she shared her name, it was Sarah, much to my relief, because, well, I may have been a little weirded out if she had said Amy.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: We ended up hanging out there a long time because the kids were playing, the baby that she was nursing went to sleep, and I didn't have anywhere to go.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: It was nice to talk to another adult and have a moment of reprieve.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: It felt like when, you know, the kids were playing in adult conversation, and you know, it was it was really nice to even have someone be interested back and be curious about my life too.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this isn't my only friendship thanks to a Chick-fil-A Me Q, but it is one of my favorites.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the deal: that story, it wouldn't be significant today if it was only about meeting a stranger at a restaurant and having a pleasant conversation.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's meaningful because Sarah has become one of my dearest and closest friends.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: She is a kindred spirit, and I can't imagine life without her.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: I know right now that we can't really meet up at a Chick-fil-A and it's only at a drive-thru or sitting in the parking lot for our to-go order.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: And hopefully this fact will change very soon.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: So until then, what are you gonna do to combat your loneliness?
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: Well, first, I want to ask you, do you view yourself as worthy of friendship and intimacy?
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: Well, a couple of years leading up to the time I met Sarah, I had what I like to call an identity crisis.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I don't like to call it, but it is what I liken it too.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: I really think m every mom faces an identity crisis because motherhood strips us of all we once knew.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: And as it strips us, we can have something better, especially when we decide to find our identity in the Lord.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: Now, have you ever heard this quote?
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of every person, and it cannot be filled by any created thing.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: It can only be filled by God, made known through Jesus Christ.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: Well, even though I knew all about Jesus and I had followed him most of my life, I didn't know every aspect of him.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm still learning.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: But what those early years of motherhood taught me is though I finally had what most women desire in their lives, I still felt empty, unsatisfied, and discontent.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: It was through spiritual mamas on TV like Beth Moore and Joyce Meyer that I realized that I wasn't finding my security and significance in Christ alone.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: But as I got hungry for the Word of God again, I rediscovered what I want to share with you today.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: When you choose to accept Christ's love and open your heart to Him, you will experience and know God's love in a greater way than you have known before.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: You will also have a love that will be never forsaken or abandon or change or become conditional.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: It is Christ's love which makes you worthy.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: You must know that God loves you regardless of your contribution to Him.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: You are of great value to Him regardless of your accomplishments.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: You are extraordinary in God's eyes and special because you were created in love for love.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: God is a generous and loving God who is mindful of all your needs and you will not run out.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: God is faithful and you are safe with him.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: The Lord will satisfy you with his love.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: God is your defender and he will guard you with his love.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: And the great I am, he sees you and you matter to him.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: Friends, this list is by no means extensive, but I have spoken these words intentionally because each of these messages addresses what your heart longs to hear.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: And once your heart is satisfied by God's love and you are able to stay fixed on truth, you can give and receive love in greater measure.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: And even if your season of loneliness continues, I pray that you will know God's presence is always with you and you will never be alone.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: Now, those years leading up to the time I met Sarah, I was falling in love with Jesus all over again.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: And therefore it was his heart of love in me that I was able to rise above my chaos, my mundane, my own aches to see her and notice her need for a place of belonging.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: Now this leads me to my next point.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: Are you willing to both give and receive friendship?
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, expressing love and belonging to others is the fastest way to receive true friendship.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: See, if I had not invited Sarah to engage in conversation, if I had not been curious, would we have a friendship today?
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I know that's a rhetorical question, but the point is I had to be willing to offer and invite her to a place of belonging.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: And it all started with curiosity.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, I, yeah, I invited her to sit on the bench, but I had to start asking her questions.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: I had to be curious about her life.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: Now, one of the ways to know if you're willing to both give and receive is if you're willing to be curious about others.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: You may have an ache to be seen and have someone curious about your life.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, who doesn't?
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: But you might have to go first.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: You might need to be the one to example what it looks like to ask good questions and to show what it looks like to care about someone else's life.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: So, while you may not right now be able to sit across the table from someone at Chick-fil-A, who can you be curious about?
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: It might look different for you than it does for me, but what text can you send?
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: What FaceTime call can you make?
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: How can you offer genuine friendship?
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I realize there might be more than that for you to overcome, which brings me to my last point for today.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: Are you scared to connect, afraid that you will be let down?
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Have you been hurt in the past and you feel burnout by your unreciprocated gestures of friendship?
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: When Sarah walked into that Chick-fil-A, I honestly had spent several weeks nursing a wound from a trusted friend, a friend who wasn't replying to my texts, calls, or even emails.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: I was hurt and I really felt hesitant to open my heart to anyone else.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: I knew a new friend could possibly let me down as well, and would be opening up myself to a whole nother ache.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: But I saw Sarah out anyway.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: When I left the restaurant that day, there wasn't any certainty that we would ever see each other again.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: We did exchange numbers, but I was used to people never replying back to me or coming up with lame excuses to not get together.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: Believe me, friends, I have heard them all, and you probably have too, so you know exactly what I'm talking about.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you have those situations.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: You run into these people and they say, hey, we should hang out sometime, but when you ask, they never actually follow through.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: It happens.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: But I took a chance anyway, and I invited Sarah.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: I invited her more than once.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: And even though we left our second play date together wondering if our kids were going to be able to ever get along, we both made a choice to hang in there.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: How has this been a perfect friendship?
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: Nope.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: And there are so many stories that are wrapped up and tied up in this friendship, and someday I'll share them.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: But for now, it has taught me the many facets of friendship and has taught my kids as well.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: She is gold friends, and the friendship we have, well, it's gold as well.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: My prayer is that when your identity becomes rooted in Christ, you will grow encouraged to put yourself out there and be okay with being vulnerable.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: I get it.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: Your heart is still smarting from that friendship that seems to be no more.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: The unanswered text, the declined imitations, and the lack of curiosity.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: But hear me out.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: How can you be the answer to someone else's prayer for friendship?
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you can be the friend who doesn't give into the social norm of not replying to the text.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you are dealing with overwhelm, or you forgot to reply because you got distracted by another notification, or you had to give a no.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: Be the kind of person that you dignify the question with an answer.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, friendships are often for a season.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: It really is the rare friendship that can stand the test of time, major life changes, and distance.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: And you should fight for those.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: But you also need to know when it's time to let go and seek out others who will value what you have to offer and who are for this season.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: I have a feeling this episode and this conversation and topic is going to resonate with many of you.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: Friendship has been a topic that I keep coming back to in conversation, not only with the women in my coaching community, my coaching clients, and those in my discipleship circle.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: Women are wired for community and connection, and you uniquely feel the ache of loneliness when motherhood puts you in a new season, whether you wanted it to or not.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: I know there's so much to explore on this topic, but I wanted to begin this conversation with you.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'd love to hear more about your aches and friendship, but also what maybe you've been doing to seek out new friends in this new season.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, turn to the love of the Heavenly Father to receive his acceptance and love that your heart needs to hear.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: I pray that the Lord will not feel far away, but as close as r and real as the friend that you long for.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: And then would you do me a favor?
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: Would you be willing to see others, invite others, and seek them out?
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: Friend, I'm thrilled to have you on this journey of exploring how the Enneagram can help you overcome the overwhelm, anxiety, and frustration of motherhood.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: Cause, sister, there is a lot, right?
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I want to let you know what to expect.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: So right now, I have three episodes in this special series.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'll be airing them on Monday with a focus Enneagram topic and action steps to help you thrive in your motherhood.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: And this time I snuck in the Enneagram.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'm kind of curious to know if you noticed it and if you heard it.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: Listen back to kind of my first key of this conversation, and I think you will discover the message your heart longs to hear.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: And by the way, if you're new to the Enneagram, if a friend sent this to you and you're going, Ennea, what?
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to share more, whether it's learning about your Enneagram type or the origins of the Enneagram or just whatever questions you have.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: I am available to chat on Zoom for a free 15-minute one-on-one consultation.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: I have several spots during the week and I would love to meet you.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: You can get the details at simply wholehearted.com or at the link in the show notes.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: And friends don't keep good things themselves, right?
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: Whether it's Chick-fil-A sauce or your favorite book or the Spanx, I would love it if you would share this special series with your girlfriends and your mom friends so they can experience freedom right along with you and maybe some encouragement.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: Send out a little text saying, hey, I'm so glad we're friends.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_00: And for my faithful podcast listeners, you can still expect stellar interviews throughout the season and the fifth year of the podcast.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my goodness, I really do have amazing conversations recorded and ready to head your way.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_00: Be looking out for a special fourth anniversary celebration next month.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: Now remember, you are the mom your kids need.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: Continue to pursue perspective, purpose, and plans for the whole heart of life you desire.