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How Long Does It Take To Leave a Narcissist? · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  So how long or how many times does it take to leave a
• 0:05
  narcissist or to leave an abusive, toxic relationship?
• 0:10
  That's what we're talking about today.
• 0:11
  Yeah. That's the question that we're
• 0:13
  hammering away at this morning because I get, I get this
• 0:16
  question a lot, actually get a variation, this exact question
• 0:21
  or a variation of it. A lot of times in my comment
• 0:24
  section, a lot of people ask me like, well, Lee, how long does
• 0:27
  it take to leave? I've left three times.
• 0:30
  Lee, how long does it take to leave?
• 0:31
  I've left eight times. How long does it take to leave?
• 0:34
  I left 10 times. I was like, first of all, it
• 0:39
  takes as long as it takes. But statistically they've done,
• 0:42
  they yeah, they've done, they've calculated, they've done numbers
• 0:45
  on this. It takes on average, a survivor
• 0:48
  of domestic violence or toxic relationship dynamics takes them
• 0:51
  seven times to leave 7/7. It takes them seven times to get
• 1:01
  on up out of there for good, right?
• 1:04
  And again, that's the average and on average of seven times.
• 1:08
  So y'all know how we get averages?
• 1:10
  Even when I gave y'all the the comments I gave you a way to get
• 1:14
  to the average. I said three times, I said 8
• 1:17
  times, I said 10 times in total. That's 21 times.
• 1:21
  You divide that 21 by three, you get an average of room 7 seven
• 1:29
  times so that it takes every look and that seven times can be
• 1:33
  stretched over a can be stretched, it can be stretched
• 1:36
  out. It does not have to be today,
• 1:39
  tomorrow, 7 times and the same day.
• 1:41
  It can be 7 * / a course of years, decades even, right?
• 1:47
  And again, for some people it's one and done.
• 1:50
  For some people, it's some people it's one and done.
• 1:53
  You, you, you lead that first time you had you, you've had
• 1:56
  enough. You like, you know what I'm out
• 2:00
  of here, right? And for some people it might
• 2:04
  take you 13 * 13 + 1 is 14 / 2 is 7.
• 2:10
  So I know, I know most people want to be on the average on, on
• 2:14
  the lower end, right? You don't want to be at, you
• 2:16
  don't want, you don't want to be the one of the ones that raise
• 2:18
  the average, right? Because it takes some people a
• 2:21
  very, very long time to get out of this types of relationship.
• 2:24
  Like some people it takes them a very long time.
• 2:27
  Like like Miss Katz said, it took me about four times to
• 2:31
  leave. I left three times and came
• 2:33
  back. I left the 4th time and never
• 2:36
  returned. It is absolutely horrifying to
• 2:38
  live under the roof of a narcissist.
• 2:39
  Yeah, it can. It absolutely can be.
• 2:42
  You know, it absolutely can be. And you're welcome.
• 2:44
  It absolutely can be like So Miss Katz said it took her seven
• 2:48
  times. Our next person, Megan Rose says
• 2:50
  I have stayed away for three years, but I have been planning
• 2:53
  throughout the five years while I was in the touch relationship
• 2:55
  to get out, especially once he put his hands on me.
• 2:57
  So she was planning on leaving for a while.
• 2:59
  So that's seven times right there, right?
• 3:02
  Can take a long time or it could take one good time, right?
• 3:05
  It could take a, we could take one good concentrated effort in
• 3:10
  order to make it happen. One good concentrated effort.
• 3:15
  And sometimes that will that will be all that is needed right
• 3:18
  there. You know what I mean.
• 3:23
  What's going on April morning? Sometimes your body leaves
• 3:26
  before your heart and your mind Be strong.
• 3:28
  It took me one time because the mental abuse was that bad. 25
• 3:32
  year friendship going after two years of dating.
• 3:34
  Good riddance. Oh I'm I can do a longer video
• 3:37
  on it right there. You put me.
• 3:39
  I was in a friend zone for 25 years.
• 3:44
  You'll get a very toxic, narcissistic person if they feel
• 3:47
  like you looked over them for two 2 1/2 decades, they got
• 3:50
  something for you. They got something mixed up nice
• 3:52
  and they they got some mixed up nice and nice and warm for you.
• 3:55
  And it ain't a pot of grits. It's not a pot of grits.
• 4:00
  So like she just said, took her two years overtime.
• 4:04
  It took somebody, it can take somebody else one time.
• 4:08
  Oh, after 20 years, after 30 years, I've had people tell me,
• 4:11
  Lee, I've never tried to leave before.
• 4:13
  I've been married for 40 years, 40.
• 4:18
  It's hard. Yeah, 40 years.
• 4:21
  They got kids, grandkids, great grandkids.
• 4:25
  They Yeah, their lives are so intertwined.
• 4:27
  Even if they get divorced, they're still be, they'll still
• 4:29
  be connected. They got great grandkids.
• 4:31
  They've created generations. You said that they've created
• 4:34
  generations of people. They've created generations of
• 4:38
  their family. They're going to be around for a
• 4:39
  while. You know what I mean?
• 4:41
  That's the way it goes. But that's how it goes in a lot
• 4:43
  of these relationship dynamics. Yep, the friend turned lover is
• 4:47
  the worst. Yes, especially if they're
• 4:49
  narcissistic because how dare you put me in a friend zone for
• 4:52
  25 years. You overlooked me for 25 years
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  and thank you. And you have the audacity to
• 4:57
  think that I'm going to treat you good.
• 5:02
  Really. That's serious.
• 5:07
  That's the mindset did you get with some toxic narcissistic
• 5:10
  people right there. So I, I feel like it takes as
• 5:14
  long as it takes. Don't rush the process.
• 5:17
  If you're not ready to leave. Sometimes you just not ready to
• 5:20
  leave. So sometimes if you're not ready
• 5:22
  to leave and then you leave only the knowing that you're pretty
• 5:25
  much going to go back. That means that that
• 5:28
  narcissistic person is not going to take you seriously.
• 5:31
  They're not going to take you seriously about leaving or, or
• 5:34
  they do. And when you come back, they
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  treat you worse because they think you have one foot out the
• 5:39
  door right now because you've left before.
• 5:41
  I feel like you have one foot out the door.
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  So I don't trust that you're going to be here with me.
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  So I'm going to treat you as such.
• 5:48
  I'm going to treat you like you're going.
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  I'm going to treat you like the possibility stands that you can
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  leave me at any moment because you can't.
• 5:55
  You've left before, so I'm going to treat you like I'm going to
• 5:57
  have one foot in, one foot out the door.
• 6:00
  That's what happens to a lot of people like once you leave and
• 6:03
  if you do go back, they treat you differently yes, can
• 6:06
  sometimes they treat you good at first when you go back yes, some
• 6:10
  of them can treat you well if you go back because.
• 6:13
  But think about it like this. Anybody can behave for a short
• 6:19
  period of time. Anybody can be on their best
• 6:22
  behavior for a short period of time, right.
• 6:24
  So that's what I'm saying Sometimes when you go back it,
• 6:27
  it could be good for a little while, but eventually it's going
• 6:32
  to go back to what made you want to leave in the 1st place.
• 6:34
  Eventually it's going to make you want to stay.
• 6:37
  Take a step back and just realize that you should have
• 6:39
  left and not came back. That's what ends up happening in
• 6:41
  a lot of these relationship dynamics.
• 6:42
  Right, right. You can go back and they, they
• 6:46
  might treat you good. They might beg you to come back.
• 6:48
  Please, they'll be like please, please, lady of lust, please,
• 6:52
  please come back. I treat you, I treat you better
• 6:55
  than I ever have. Watch please, please, please,
• 6:58
  and you go back. They treat you good for a little
• 7:00
  while and then they right back to the same behaviors that made
• 7:02
  you want to leave in the 1st place.
• 7:03
  You see what I'm saying? That's what be going on, what's
• 7:06
  going on, what's going to go. But this what ends up going this
• 7:09
  what ends up happening to so many people.
• 7:11
  Don't feel ashamed because so many people go through it.
• 7:13
  I promise you. And also being realistic that
• 7:18
  shame sometimes can make you feel can make you stay longer
• 7:22
  because sometimes you stay long. You sometimes this when I'm
• 7:26
  doing my one on ones over Zoom, right.
• 7:27
  I talked to so many people who have so much shame.
• 7:32
  They stayed, right? That's so much shame.
• 7:34
  And what had happened and what had went down.
• 7:36
  They, they, they decided to stay in the relationship because of
• 7:39
  it. They were like, well, Lee, I've
• 7:40
  already been with this person for 30 years.
• 7:42
  It just looks stupid if I left now.
• 7:43
  I just feel silly. If I left now, Wow, I gave him
• 7:45
  30 years. Why would I leave?
• 7:47
  I gave him 40 years. I'll give him five years.
• 7:48
  It doesn't have to be that loan. I gave him five years.
• 7:50
  I'll give him 10 years. Why would I leave now?
• 7:52
  We have kids, we bought businesses, we've done this,
• 7:54
  we've done that. Like I just feel weird for
• 7:56
  leaving right now. Why would I leave right now?
• 7:57
  I don't have a reason to leave right now.
• 7:58
  I don't, I don't feel right. Leave it and so many people go
• 8:02
  through that right there. I promise you that's what ends
• 8:04
  up happening to so many people. That's what ends up going on in
• 8:07
  the minds of so many people that are dealing with these toxic,
• 8:09
  abusive people right, yes. What goes up must come down like
• 8:13
  the stock market. That's what ends up happening
• 8:15
  right there, y'all and then you so it's so right, right there,
• 8:17
  the sunk cause fallacy when so many people feel like you got so
• 8:20
  much time already spent in it. Well, I already got some.
• 8:23
  I already got five years in it. I can give them a little bit
• 8:25
  more time. I don't want to waste.
• 8:27
  I don't want to feel like I wasted 30 years.
• 8:29
  I'm going to stay, you know, I don't want to feel like I wasted
• 8:31
  354010 too. I don't Yeah, some people I I
• 8:35
  just feel like it's been 3 months.
• 8:36
  I don't want to waste my three months Like what?
• 8:39
  3 months? Like what?
• 8:41
  You don't want to waste 3 bucks? Like, come on now.
• 8:43
  What are we talking about 3 bucks?
• 8:45
  What's going on? Three, yeah.
• 8:48
  And that just shows you they know how to act, right?
• 8:50
  They just don't want to. That's absolutely true.
• 8:53
  Buxton Mermaid. That's absolutely true.
• 8:55
  If you leave them, right? If you want to leave a
• 8:57
  narcissistic person or just an abusive person overall, right?
• 9:01
  And they all of a sudden switch to being on their best behavior.
• 9:06
  Like if they switched, if they automatically switch to being on
• 9:08
  their best behavior without you having to tell them what to do,
• 9:13
  that does go to show you that they could have been behaving
• 9:16
  the entire time. They just chose not to.
• 9:20
  It goes to show you that they could have been acting right the
• 9:23
  entire time. They just chose not to.
• 9:25
  They were just treating you badly because they wanted to,
• 9:28
  right? And that should give you more.
• 9:30
  That should actually give you more reason to leave because
• 9:32
  they know how to behave. They just been choosing not to
• 9:34
  be. They just been choosing the
• 9:36
  opposite way. They've been choosing the wrong
• 9:38
  way because of it. You see what I'm saying It says
• 9:44
  I had my narcissist the husband served divorce papers in 20 in
• 9:47
  November 24 and he has drug it out not producing documents has
• 9:51
  control of all finances. Yeah, there's because they heal
• 9:54
  me. How dare you.
• 9:55
  How dare you serve me divorce papers when I control the
• 9:58
  finances. They're not going to make it
• 9:59
  easy, yo. Most of them won't make it easy
• 10:01
  on you. Some of them just like
• 10:02
  disappear, but most of them won't make it easy on you.
• 10:05
  So even if you're ready to leave, right, even if you're
• 10:07
  ready to leave you, even if you made that decision, then it only
• 10:10
  takes you one time to leave. They don't want you to leave.
• 10:13
  They don't make it. They're going to make it very
• 10:14
  difficult. They're going to make it, see.
• 10:15
  They're going to make it seem like it's easier to just stay
• 10:18
  with me than it is to leave. They're going to make you make
• 10:21
  the decision right there. It's easier to stay with me in
• 10:23
  this relationship than it would be to leave and try to find
• 10:26
  somebody else. I'm going to make your life a
• 10:27
  living hell, so you might as well.
• 10:29
  I'm going. If you leave me, I'm going to
• 10:31
  make your life a living hell where you don't know what's
• 10:33
  coming. But if you stay with me, I'm
• 10:35
  going to make your life is your life is already a living hell.
• 10:38
  Then at least you can predict my behaviors a little bit.
• 10:41
  At least you know what you're going to get.
• 10:43
  They want to exhaust you into giving up, into giving in,
• 10:47
  Right? I'm so sorry you're going
• 10:48
  through that. Yeah, I'm sorry too.
• 10:49
  It is tough. Me leaving and choosing myself
• 10:52
  over being abused, constantly humiliated demeanor, all kinds
• 10:54
  of stuff. Cost me my freedom.
• 10:56
  Get you locked up. Oh, no, that can happen too.
• 11:01
  I'm just telling you so many people about this is not me
• 11:04
  trying to say anything negative about you to go.
• 11:06
  I promise. But so many people in these
• 11:08
  relationships, you end up losing yourself and you end up doing
• 11:11
  things that you might not have ever done before in these
• 11:14
  relationships to survive or to thrive or whatever the case may
• 11:16
  be. And that's what ends up going
• 11:18
  on. You know, you leave, you try to
• 11:20
  survive, and then they get you locked up.
• 11:22
  You, you, you, you react to something that they have done
• 11:26
  and they press charges. And you might look, the crazy
• 11:28
  thing about it is you might have been able to press charges so
• 11:31
  many times before in the past, but you chose not to or they
• 11:34
  talked you out of it. And then as soon as the shoe is
• 11:36
  on the other foot, they try to get your ass locked the hell up.
• 11:40
  They try to get you locked up. I leave.
• 11:41
  I have to leave in secret. The plan?
• 11:43
  Have a support. If you don't, if you don't go.
• 11:46
  If you don't, you got to join Lead support group.
• 11:48
  Oh, yay. Are you my support group?
• 11:49
  You might have a different name on here.
• 11:52
  I do that. Yeah, I do have a support group.
• 11:54
  You can find mysupportgroup@mentalillness.net.
• 11:58
  I have to scroll across the bottom of the screen.
• 11:59
  Mental illness.net. We do private Zoom meetings like
• 12:02
  we're doing right now. A bunch of people, we do private
• 12:04
  zoom meetings every week at least once or twice a week.
• 12:07
  Y'all private zoom meetings that are not recorded.
• 12:10
  You can get your questions answered.
• 12:11
  You can meet people that are going through the exact same
• 12:13
  thing you're going through literally the mental illness
• 12:16
  group, the mental illness. He's got the mental healer show.
• 12:18
  I have one on Facebook too. But like I said, I have AI have
• 12:21
  a support group that's off of Facebook where we do private
• 12:24
  zoom meetings and all kinds of stuff.
• 12:25
  You get my e-mail address, talk to me personally.
• 12:27
  We we do a lot of different things.
• 12:28
  Y'all in the group. It's a great group.
• 12:31
  So you might be in the group too.
• 12:31
  You got a different name. I can't see a picture.
• 12:34
  See, there you go right there. Oh, the mental illness podcast.
• 12:38
  Thank you, April. I've recorded 4 episodes for the
• 12:41
  mental illness podcast. Y'all, I've recorded 4 episodes
• 12:44
  for the mental illness podcast. Actually, this channel, the
• 12:48
  channel name is going to change from mental illness to the
• 12:50
  mental illness podcast on YouTube.
• 12:52
  So you're going to see the name switch up here pretty soon as
• 12:55
  well, y'all. So the name is going to change
• 12:57
  because I'm starting to do more interviews and share more
• 12:58
  people's stories, people about how people are leaving the
• 13:01
  touch, relationship dynamics, y'all like I'm, how can I do it
• 13:06
  right here? I'm going to share my screen
• 13:07
  with y'all right here so I can y'all this right here.
• 13:12
  Y'all see this right here. This is literally the interviews
• 13:15
  I've done so far. This is Thomas I talked to
• 13:17
  Luella, Natalie and Taylor all sharing their stories about
• 13:23
  survivor surviving and thriving. Talmage is a a coach.
• 13:27
  He the amazing creator. Louella survived the toxic
• 13:30
  relationship, very violent toxic relationship.
• 13:34
  Natalie's story is wild. Taylor's story is you'll hear
• 13:39
  Taylor's story. But what the hell.
• 13:40
  So the mental illness podcast. I've already recorded 4 episodes
• 13:43
  y'all, I'm just about to my editor is about to start working
• 13:45
  on them to get them out. I haven't I haven't put I
• 13:48
  haven't put it out yet. It says not not not Najiba.
• 13:50
  I haven't put it out yet, but it is coming.
• 13:54
  It is coming soon. Just so y'all know the mental on
• 13:56
  this podcast is dropping soon. Just be ready for it.
• 14:01
  If you want to. If you want to be on the podcast
• 14:03
  and get interviewed, I'm going to drop the I can drop the link
• 14:06
  right here in the comments right here.
• 14:08
  Y'all, I'll drop the link right here in the comments, so you get
• 14:11
  like I say, so you can apply for it tell you feel your story out
• 14:15
  on here and whatnot and then, like I say, it looks like this.
• 14:17
  You can feel your story out and I'll probably reach out to you
• 14:20
  in a little bit. Like I haven't went through them
• 14:22
  and I haven't went through them in a bit.
• 14:23
  I had like I had 115 of them come through the last few days.
• 14:26
  I'm going through them now. I saw somebody name come up
• 14:29
  here, Stevie. I saw.
• 14:32
  I see. I think you emailed me too.
• 14:34
  I'll get back with you. I'll get up with you.
• 14:37
  Yeah, check it out. Y'all gonna be on the Mitchell
• 14:38
  Hill this podcast. It's not just about narcissistic
• 14:41
  abuse, though. Y'all just being realistic.
• 14:43
  It's not just about narcissistic abuse.
• 14:46
  It's going to be about you and Share your story about dealing
• 14:48
  with your own mental health, your own triumphs in life.
• 14:50
  Like how much isn't talking about narcissistic abuse.
• 14:53
  He's talking about toxic work environments.
• 14:56
  He's talking about his own story of having suicidal ideations and
• 15:00
  surviving it and thriving after that he did with his own mental
• 15:03
  health and depression and things like that.
• 15:05
  So it's not just about narcissism.
• 15:07
  Now, there's survivor stories on there.
• 15:08
  The other three people I talked to are telling survivor stories,
• 15:12
  survivor surviving thriving stories, right, surviving
• 15:16
  thriving stories. So we're going to do that right
• 15:18
  there. I would really love to.
• 15:20
  I'm in NC Monarch weird case. My my is an art weird case.
• 15:24
  You in North Carolina. I'm doing hey, I'm I'm doing
• 15:26
  them in in I'll I'm if you're in North Carolina, I'm doing in
• 15:29
  person interviews here starting pretty soon in North Carolina in
• 15:34
  in Hillsboro. I know I don't know what part
• 15:35
  you're in. I'm in like Durham, Hillsborough
• 15:37
  and whatnot. So if you're in that area, just
• 15:42
  I'm doing in person stuff too. I got a camera, I got my lights,
• 15:44
  I got everything you did. I was just ready to go.
• 15:47
  I just had to get it, had to get it moving and whatnot.
• 15:53
  Love that you're doing this. Yes, my story is crazy.
• 15:56
  Appreciate it, appreciate it, appreciate y'all.
• 15:57
  That's what I'm doing. I just want I want more because
• 15:59
  I've been talking about narcissism for five years and
• 16:01
  I've helped is it helped me reach millions of people.
• 16:04
  But I think the next step, the next iteration of mental illness
• 16:07
  is covering all mental health dynamics.
• 16:09
  You know what I mean? Depression, anxiety, ADHD,
• 16:12
  autism, borderline sociopath, sociopathy, psychopathy, any
• 16:18
  type of mental health, bipolar, any type of mental health issue
• 16:23
  and whatnot. Mental health struggle, not
• 16:26
  issues, struggle. That's what I'm here for talk
• 16:28
  about as well. Or you can tell you can Share
• 16:31
  your story about surviving a toxic relationship dynamic.
• 16:33
  It's all about it's about everything, you know, it's all
• 16:36
  about everything and whatnot. So that's what's going to be
• 16:39
  happening y'all. So Mitchell, the podcast is
• 16:41
  coming soon. Anyway, I do need to hop off
• 16:45
  here. Today's my recording day.
• 16:47
  I have a I have a one-on-one. I got to hop on in the next few
• 16:49
  minutes. But today's my recording day.
• 16:51
  I have a bunch of videos I have to get recorded for my from
• 16:55
  actually just for my podcast, my channel and stuff like that.
• 16:57
  So again, y'all thank y'all for tuning in today, like I said,
• 17:00
  mental illness.net and scrolling across the bottom of the screen,
• 17:03
  mental illness.net for all things Lee hammock, everything
• 17:07
  you want to know about Lee, everything you can find about
• 17:09
  Lee mental illness.net. And yeah, shoot me an e-mail,
• 17:13
  like shoot me an e-mail mentalillness.net.
• 17:16
  Y'all be safe, take care of yourselves, take care of each
• 17:20
  other, and as always, y'all, as always, the hill, this is out
• 17:23
  peace. I'm super grateful for all of
• 17:25
  y'all too. Y'all gratitude.