Latest / Pathological Positivity / Assemble the Tribe, Revisited – with Leah J M Dean – Episode #681
Transcript
- This is Live On Purpose Radio episode 681, Assemble the Tribe with Leah Dean. Now is the only time to create and live the life you love. I'm doctor Paul Jenkins, the positivity psychologist. My job is to connect you to powerful positive psychology principles that immediately upgrade your relationships, business, and mental health. Are you ready? Let's jump in. Hello. Welcome back to Live On Purpose Radio. This is doctor Paul the shrink who expands your life with another episode of Live On Purpose Radio. Joining me today is Leah Dean. She is an author, a speaker. She's an inspiring person who hit the planet to help us figure out how to assemble our tribe. And that's the title of your book, basically, Leah. Assemble the tribe That motherfucker. In your value, find belonging, be different, by Leah J. M. Dean. Welcome to Live On Purpose Radio, Leah. Thank you for having me. I'm excited to be here. You know, this is fun. You're coming to us from the sunny, beautiful island of Bermuda? Absolutely. It's a little rainy today, though. Just just a tad. Well, you have to have the rain to keep things green. Right? No. I think that's why I care. You got it. Just so good. Yeah. My weather's a little different. It was about 24 degrees when I woke up this morning, and, we're in the chilly mountains of Utah. But through the blessings of technology, we get to spend some time together today. Leah, would you share with our audience just a little bit about your story, enough that we we get the sense of why you're so passionate about this topic and what's brought you to this point? Share with us. So there are a a couple of stories that I share in the book, but as I really reflected on why this idea of assembling the tribe is so important, I think there there are really three reasons why I think it's important to me right now. The first is, and I call them my three R's, right, the first is relationships. So, if we look at everything that's happening in the world right now, I think we need our relationships more than ever. Like, if there was ever a time in our recent history, recent memories, we need our relationships now, you know, whether you are, stuck at home because of the virus, you're recovering, you've lost someone, maybe there's been a natural disaster, like, there are just so many things happening in the world that paint the picture for, you know, we need to think about our relationships differently for our health, for our mental sanity. Like, we just... We need our relationships. Two, you know, I conducted my own proprietary research as part of my writing of the book, and I found that, you know, many women, they've struggled with rejection often at very young ages. And so, what my data says is that at the moment when we're most vulnerable, that's when we're dealing with rejection. So, I think we need, those relationships more than ever. And, you know, I'm really passionate about women and this idea of tribe because I think first and foremost, I'm raising a daughter. And you know, given that many women have struggled with their own personal rejection, you know, I often think about how can I help my daughter navigate some of that in a way that's different or better than my own experience? And so, I think women are, you know, the world relies on us in a way that's not better, but different. And I think we're uniquely positioned as mothers, as nurturers, to be able to impact how we build relationships in a way that's important. So relationships, rejection, and reliance, those are three reasons why this topic is really important to me. I think that combined with, you know, being raised by two parents who I would say are some of the original tribe builders, where they would just, like, throw our doors wide open and welcome anybody into our home who just needed support and connection. So, I think I've, I've been privy to what building tribes looks like from a very young age. I worked in human resources for over twenty years, all the way up through executive levels. I think team building and leadership is another type of tribe building. So, I don't know, I, I feel like my whole life has been leading me to this point where I sat down and wrote a book, which is its end story because I didn't intend to write it. We were chatting about that a little bit just before we turned on the mics today. And and and I agree. I think that these books that we write, come to us. It's almost like they find us. And as we're open to sharing that message with others, it comes together. Now, Leah, you mentioned some of your experiences coming from human resource. You've you've worked with organizations and groups on on forming effectively functioning teams. And Mhmm. And you use the word tribe in your book on purpose, because I know you had other choices of words. But you picked that one on purpose because of some of the connotations that it carries for you and especially as it relates to women and how they can form a tribe that becomes a supportive, almost a family sort of a feel. Talk for just a minute about what some of the difficulties are that we encounter as we're taking that on and what you've found that has helped you to, to move past those difficulties. Yeah. So I'm glad you brought that up. I think try by definition, you know, and this was one of my biggest learning in the books is when I started writing it, I really thought of a tribe as a group. It was this safe place that one day I would find and it would solve all of my relationships issues. I would find belonging. And what I've learned through my personal experience and the process of writing the book is that the tribes that we form don't necessarily meet every single need that we have. Right. And so one of the issues because your question was, you know, what are some of the issues is sometimes we find a group of people and we actually entrench and we become so exclusive that we don't include anyone else. And so that group can sometimes develop, you know, negative habits. They exclude other people, and so that is one of the challenges that we have. So when I was able to actually, let me give you a quick story. Yeah. So I have a group of women that I have been really good friends with for nearly twenty years we meet once a month without fail twenty years incredible tribe and about maybe ten plus years in I started to feel lonely, which was weird because I was thinking, hold on, I have this really good, healthy, supportive tribe, why do I feel lonely? And what I found was is that my career, there was an inflection point in my career and I needed a different type of support than the support that I was getting with this tribe. And, for a long time, I actually resisted that need because I said, you know what, I have belonging, I have a tribe, they're supportive, but I still had this need. And so one of the biggest learnings was we need different tribes sometimes to complete our personal sense of wholeness. There's a psychologist that that I quoted in the book around this and too often we get kind of entrenched and stuck in our view about what a tribe is. And so the the book really tries to crack open this notion that tribe is just a group. Actually, tribe could be a one on one relationship, it could be a group, it could be, you know, you and I, we just met, but we know that we have similar beliefs and values, so we could say that we're part of a similar tribe. And I think at its highest level, tribe and our ability to create and navigate relationships successfully is really a mindset. It's a mindset. Yes. And I'm glad that you came back to that, Leah, because where we start in our own mind makes a big difference. And you make a point of this in your book because establishing yourself within a tribe, I think, starts with owning your own stuff. Yes. Getting to know you a little better, getting out of your own way that allows you to to go there. What does that trigger for you? That triggers a, I think, a desire for me to share my formula with your audience. Right? So I think that there is a formula for how we build our tribes. And to your point, it starts with you and ends with everyone else. And in the book, I talk about believe plus belong equals be different. And so at it, at its simplest level, believe is to believe in your value I'll just break the formula down really quickly for you so believe is to believe in your value and what I love about those words is that value is utility it's important it's worth And belief by definition, this is it Leah, so this is just the definition. Belief is a habit of the mind in which you build trust or confidence in a person or thing. So the first part of building your tribe is to every day get up and build a habit of your mind that says, I have value, I have utility, I have worth, I'm important. And then you take that belief about who you are and you take it into your relationships and those are the places where you belong and experience belonging. And I make a distinction there because you can be long in a group and still not feel that sense of intimacy and inclusion that you want to feel. And so, you know, the I was talking to someone the other day and they said to me, you know, well, how do I deal with that feeling when I walk into a room and I feel like I'm being judged and I don't feel like I'm good enough? Well, actually, if you've done the work with yourself where you believe that you're worth it then when you walk into that room you say you know what I'm not particularly worried about what everybody else thinks of me I'm here to give something which is one of the most beautiful places that we can be and and and I'm not suggesting that rejection doesn't happen, I'm just saying that when we show up with a mindset that says it's less about what other folks think or how they might perceive me and more about what I can give, that is where I think really we start to unleash this power of a tribe mindset. To believe in your value, find some places to, to, to belong and that's important. The research says that you have to have at least one and more is better, just in terms of your your health and your ability to survive. And then, what I love about those two things is then they can almost become a springboard for you to show up differently in your relationships. Right? Right. Worst case scenario, when you have this more open mindset because you believe and belong, worst case scenario, you may experience rejection. But, if you remember I, I have value and there are people who really care about me and have sunk deep roots into my life and are supportive, then you can kind of navigate your way out of that rejection and say, you know what, I need to stay open because there are still other people in the world who need me and for with whom I can create, something meaningful or or, enjoy those relationships. And so, my challenge to the reader is to every day get up and have this mindset that says I can believe in my value I can find belonging I'm gonna have to put in some work it's not easy but then I can be different and that's been the most beautiful learning from the process of writing the book. It is actually my tribe that allows me to be free and strong and open myself up to new relationships anywhere. That's cool. Oh, it... It's it's beautiful. And you mentioned in the first half, Leah, that there are these three r words. There's relationships, rejection, and reliance. And you triggered some thinking in my mind as you were talking about rejection. Obviously, it starts with a mindset, believing in your value. And by the way, it's not deciding whether you have value. You do. Everybody does. Everybody does. If you're alive, you have value. Right. So so now the task is believe in that. Mhmm. When you believe in your value, you show up differently. And then you said you may still be rejected. And I thought, no, I don't wanna be rejected, right? This is one of the fears that people have, the fear of rejection. But here's what I've learned about that. There's, I almost substitute sometimes the word refusal because refusal and rejection feel a little different to me. If somebody refuses what I'm offering, they don't need it or or they've already got it or whatever. Right? If they reject me, that's personal. But most people on this planet don't even know me well enough to truly reject me. So I just do a little bit of mental gymnastics around that sometimes. There will be other times when people fully receive whatever it is that you're offering, and that feels different. Mhmm. But that that that was a little train of thought that you triggered for me, Leah, about rejection. Maybe we don't need to fear it as much. And simply keep offering. Simply keep showing up. And and like you were saying, you know, get get that focus out there to the other people. Once you believe in your own value, then show up with the thought, what can I contribute here? What can I offer? Yeah. I find... I mean, even with appearing on podcast and talking to people, when you start to focus on yourself Mhmm. You know, that's kind of where the fear comes in. But if I if I jump on this podcast and I say maybe there's a listener who really needs to hear what I have to say and I focus less on myself then that shifts immediately how I show up in the moment But, you know, to to your reader, because I actually had, one of my original beta readers who was helping me analyze, you know, review the book, say, but this whole rejection thing, it seems easy for you, Leah. You live in Bermuda. It's a very small country, you know, lots of people, you know, what about those people who physically almost can't move with the idea of, having to meet a new person. And so, I don't want to discount the fact that, that fear of rejection for many of us is very real and, you know, I was listening to one of your earlier podcasts where you were talking with your guest about kind of that whole flight and fright well that exists in relationships as well and so, that rejection is both kind of emotional and physiological and we have to accept that but But then the question becomes, well, how do we get past it? Right? So sometimes we have to go get help, external help, because it is so severe for some of us that we just can't make that next step on our own. But in the book, I share a number of, tips on how to navigate, that fear in relationships. One idea I have is, you know, find a buddy buffer. Like, sometimes just the idea of going to meet a new person, but if I take my girlfriend along, it immediately reduces some of the heat. And it could be, going out to coffee, and now since we are, you know, many of us are stuck inside, it might be organizing a zoom call with multiple people. Sometimes we just need that other person to support us and hold us up while we're building, that new relationship. Another thing that I talk about is just go where the warmth is, right? There are people that when you walk in a room they are automatically going to make you feel safe and so start with that person because intuitively you know your gut is is really the summary of all of the things that you've experienced at, you know, whether you can recall them or not. And so, if your gut is telling you this person might be safe, start there, and then sometimes I would say start where the warmth is, but you can also start where the pain is. So, if there is pain that you're experiencing, sometimes you can find a group of people who will understand you in a way that is unique to you. And that's actually one of the, the tribes that I discovered in the process of writing a book, which I call the resistant tribe, you know, whether you have lost a loved one or experienced a divorce or, you know, maybe you are recovering from an illness. Sometimes those people, can really help you to heal. And so you don't have to be afraid of that because you understand each other. So those are just some ideas, but fear is real and we should acknowledge it. As we feel the fear and do it anyway, it opens up new possibilities. And as you describe in your book, you can be different. You can have a completely different experience in life with that. There's obvious social benefits, psychological benefits, but I'm guessing that this gets right down to the level of our actual physical health as well. What do you know about that? So I did a... I I have to tell you, your listeners, it's not heavy, but I did do quite a bit of research to understand, you know, what is the impact of, high and low quality relationships on our lives and our health span because the person who says, I don't need anybody, I don't need a tribe, I have my family, you know, what do you say to that person when you're, when my thesis is you actually have to have those relationships. So in my research I found that you know if you only spend time with your family the research would say that as you age it is actually the non familiar relationships that become even more important so what do I mean by that you know I have three siblings and as we get older we may have to make some difficult decisions as it relates to my parents and other things that are important to my family and it is that twenty year tribe that I talked about earlier that's going to give me the safe space when sometimes the heat may rise with my family and so the research was actually saying that both your family and your friends are good for your health as you age but your friends may be a bit better for you as you age. So I thought that was interesting. The other thing that I'll just mention that I found was really interesting is if we want to, combat things like disease. So there was an interesting study that I looked at and I fantastic, but her research found that women who have had breast cancer, their, ability to survive or like the reoccurrence rates, reoccurrence and mortality rates, they actually diminish meaningfully if you have a healthy strong tribe. And she said, Leah, I would just give you advice. The time to build that tribe is not when you're sick. The time to build the tribe is before you get sick. So, you know, I'm... I just encourage everyone, don't think of tribes as optional. These relationships, they are going to be with us, forever or for as long as we are on this earth, if we invest in them and do the work, and the data would suggest that we have to have them. And so that's really my... One of the core premises of the book. If you don't think you need it, the data says you have to have it. That is what is supported by the research. And I know some of the some of the studies that I'm personally aware of that back up exactly what you're saying here, Leah. I know there was a group at Stanford, I believe it was, that studied the breast cancer population And having these groups, these communication networking support tribes, as you call them, had far better outcomes. You mentioned earlier also your daughter. Yes. And so everything that you're learning, you get to pass along to her somehow. And I know there are a lot of parents here on our show as well who might be wondering, okay, what does that mean in terms of how we set up or educate the next generation to to understand these principles that you're sharing? So I think to really make the point, I conducted my A and proprietary research study and what I found is that sixty three percent of all women have been in a group of that sixty three percent, seventy one percent have experienced rejection, fifty percent under the 18, twenty five percent under the 13, which says to me that at the moment when we're the most vulnerable, that's when we're experiencing rejection. So then I was curious and I asked the women, how many of you had the opportunity to observe positive, female group relationships as children? And less than 50% said yes. Wow. So not only did we have our... Not only did we experience our own rejection, emulated as children. And so then I asked, well, if you... When you did see healthy relationships, what was the impact that that had on you? Did it make you want that relationship for yourself? And I would say more than three quarters of women said, absolutely, when I saw my aunt, my my mother, that person in my church or whomever it was, when I saw them engage in a healthy relationship, it made me want it for myself. And you know, one of the things that your your listeners will pick up if they get the book right, I'm open to talking to strangers, and so there was one occasion where I was flying, I was in Europe, and I spoke to a young woman and what I found is every every woman has a story, but in this particular story she shared that, you know, the rejection was so harsh at the school that she attended, she ultimately had to withdraw and she went back home to her her her parents. And so I said to her, what is it that helped you survive? Because I've seen a lot less break people. And she said, because when I went home, and I watched my aunt, and I watched my mother, and how they interacted with their friends, I knew that this didn't necessarily have to be my future. And so as a mother of a now 13 year old girl, and I also have a 14 year old son, if I can teach them how to believe in their value, healthy ways to find belonging, and then what it means to show up differently, then I'm hoping that I can change their relationship story, which we so desperately need right now given where we are in the world's history. I agree. The book is Assemble the Tribe, Believe in Your Value, Find Belonging, Be Different by our guest today, Leah j m Dean. I don't always say all of your middle initials. Maybe I should. Makes it sound more official. No. I'll take that. Julie is my mom's name. Michelle, she said it sounded nice. So I I own all my names, all four of them. Leah, Julie, Michelle Bean. Wow. That's a great name. Thank you. Leah, where can people connect best with your book or with you if they want to to get a little more of this? So the book is now officially available globally on amazon.com and if they want to learn more about me they can visit the book page which is assemblethetribe.com, and that takes you right into my personal website. So, once you check out the book page and there's a lot there there are a few, freebies on the book page for you, so you can download the intro and first chapter for free. I also have a free tribe health assessment, so if you're wondering how am I doing with this whole believe, belong, be different? Go ahead and take the assessment and one, just plug, as you're answering the questions, really think about them because I, almost every single person that completes the assessment says, that triggered a thought for me that I need to do something differently. And so that's what I want to give people, on the book page. So that's at assemblethetribe.com and, then that'll take you right into my personal website where you can find all things, Leah. Wonderful. Leah, thank you so much for joining us today at Live on Purpose Radio. Thank you so much for having me. It's been, a lot of fun. You guys, you've heard it. It's time to apply it. Let's go live on purpose. Did you get what you came for? Give yourself the gift of taking real action on what you realized today. Please share this episode with someone you know would value it, and leave us a rating too. It's time now to live on purpose.