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Top Ten Christmas Party Rules · Mark and Pete

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  The Top 10 Christmas party rules Welcome to this episode where
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  there's going to be poems, elves, neighbors, pop music and
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  well, everything. It's Christmas Mark and Pete, 2
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  blokes with half an opinion. It's the top 10 Christmas party
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  rules. The first rule of a good
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  Christmas party. Wear a silly jumper and be merry
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  and hearty. Now the second rule is to forget
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  every single rule and behave like a jingling jester or
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  festive fool. The third rule is bringing a
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  real snowman to the door, which will create much laughter as it
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  melts on the floor. The fourth rule is to look
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  around to find three wise men and if all fails, then find
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  women instead and go round again and.
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  The fifth rule should be to seek out figurines of Joseph and
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  Mary, then climb up the Christmas tree and look down on
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  them as a fairy. The sixth rule is to sing carols
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  loudly and completely out of tune and dance around all the
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  guests madly like a manic baboon.
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  The seventh rule is to grab a large bucket and eat all the
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  food and get drunk on the punch and just punch anyone who's a
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  prude. The eighth rule is to give
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  yourself a timely, light hearted lift by rummaging through
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  wrapping paper, opening everyone's gift.
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  The ninth rule is to take photos of those with airs and graces
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  and make stupid gestures and customary ridiculous faces.
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  The final rule by the evening's end is to recall why you got
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  overexcited, as the grimacing party host explains that.
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  You were never invited. Indeed.
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  Well, there we are. You see, Christmas.
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  Well, what a fun time. It is a fun time I say, but also
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  a very expensive time. Now turkeys and sprouts are
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  synonymous with Christmas dinner but my goodness, the rising
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  prices are meaning that there is more mean offerings on the
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  plate. Did you see Mr. Pete, that it
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  seems that the typical Turkey dinner with all the trimmings
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  will cost about £32.45 according to the research done by, yes
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  some of the media and the research firms.
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  Well this is getting very expensive and one of the reasons
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  is the fact that turkeys suffer from bird flu.
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  What say you about the cost of Christmas?
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  Yes, the well, Christmas is a time when you eat lots of food
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  and food, food prices already are high.
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  And then with the markups for Christmas and specific foods
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  being required, which means they can get marked up again, it's of
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  course gets very, very expensive.
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  And if you insist on eating a Turkey, then of course there's a
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  markup on that, even though it's a particularly dry and
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  unpleasant bird. They're talking about the
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  Turkey, not anyone. Oh, right, yes.
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  Not a family member. And so, yeah, it's, it's
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  getting, Christmas is getting very expensive.
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  And you could be forgiven thinking, you know what, what
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  are we doing all this for? But of course it's Christmas,
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  you know, somehow that makes it all right, spending it, spending
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  loads and loads of money, ending up in debt by the end of the
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  year. Somehow we all do it anyway.
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  Well, not end up in debt necessarily, but spend loads of
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  money. And what I, what I worry about
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  though, Mark, is how the, you know, you know, the tradition of
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  having elves. And we over in the UK inherited
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  the tradition from the US of having an elf on the shelf.
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  I don't mean those, I mean the real elves that make all the
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  toys in Lapland for for Father Christmas.
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  I mean surely they must be struggling with the
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  infrastructure there. Of course, meaning that the cost
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  of living is very expensive for elves.
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  Well, the cost. Of they might be going on strike
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  this year. Well, they could be going on
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  strike, but here we go, you see, Because of course, obviously our
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  our glorious little children will all want to go rummaging
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  through grottoes to see Father Christmas and to see the elves.
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  But look, guess what? Yes.
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  I'm afraid that we have to look at what does it cost to have a
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  Father Christmas. Now, Mr. Pete, the hourly rate,
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  I will say is somewhat contentious.
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  So the per hour rate for a Father Christmas is how much in
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  your opinion? Well, as a pay range.
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  Now a typical, say tutor. For for per.
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  Hour that's one of my children would be £30 an hour, so I'm
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  going to go for £30 an hour. I mean I.
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  Think. Well, I'm afraid it's only 1515
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  as the. Same as.
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  The last Christmas. Yes, last Christmas I gave you.
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  My heart not very nice day. Yeah, I mean, it's not not that
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  much above the the the I was going to say the living wage,
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  the what is the word? I'm scraping for the it's not,
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  not, not not very much money above the minimum wage.
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  That's what it was, correct. So yeah, I will for the
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  Christmases be going on strike. I don't know.
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  I don't know. But what about the elves?
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  The elves. Now, you see, the elves are to
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  usher the children through to the grotto.
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  Yeah. What are they going to
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  Christmas? Being the one that they can't
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  see now according to the income data research as the IDR which
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  compiles the data, as you know said elf earning there is a
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  range here and how much they elves are typically paid this
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  year. How much do you think that would
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  be? Well, I'm going to say it's
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  obviously they're not the stars, so I'm going to say it's going
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  to be £12.75 to £13.25. Well actually you were very
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  close, but they would probably prefer your figure because it's
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  £12.48 on average. Compared to is that minimum wage
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  I. Thought that was.
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  Well, that's the. Low.
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  Yeah, I know. This is.
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  I love controversy, folks. Oh, right, yes.
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  Yeah, yes. I mean, I must admit that when
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  you think about the cost of Christmas, it does make you
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  wonder and and it makes you wonder for all those elves who
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  are thinking of building out their career in Lapland and many
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  other. Places Well, of course there are
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  two types of elves. We well, three types of elves.
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  We, we'll be talking about the little models of elves who
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  dotted around the house. There's the elves who actually
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  work in the mines in Lapland. And then there's the people in
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  various shopping centres, etcetera, who introduce children
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  to Christmas, to Father Christmas at different,
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  different pay rates I, I imagine, and different levels of
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  reality for each. But you know those, those are
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  the sort of elves that introduces the children to
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  Christmas. I've actually done that to
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  Father Christmas. I've done that job myself, yes,
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  and. All the children are still
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  having therapy. Well, I just just did it for
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  tips. No, I just did it.
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  I just did it as a volunteer. But you know, I wasn't a
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  professional elf, so. Yeah, OK.
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  Well, there you go. Yeah.
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  Well, I went. Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
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  Yeah. Well, I, when you look out of
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  your, your window, your igloo or whatever it is that you're
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  looking out of, you tend to sort of notice that the, the streets
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  are lit up. And what's incredible is, is
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  that the, some people are prepared to spend a staggering
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  amount of money on energy bills. Now here's one such 1A family
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  has racked up 4000 lbs of energy bills simply to light up their
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  house. Now here's the thing.
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  There is a little twist and the Molyneux family who have decided
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  to do this are doing it because it's for charity and it's
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  basically for a Wigan Infirmary. That's a good cause, but
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  nevertheless it is remarkable, isn't it, how some of our
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  streets are adorned with, you know, inflatable Santas, pop up
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  reindeers and strange sagging elves.
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  But the here's the thing, There is no law in the United Kingdom,
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  and possibly anywhere else for that matter.
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  This specifies when Christmas lights must be turned off.
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  My question to you, Mr. Pete, is, do you think that this is a
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  good thing or maybe there should be a law saying when you have to
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  just simply switch off? Well.
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  Here, I, I take the view that there are, are existing laws and
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  I always, always think that you should just enforce existing
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  laws if a light is causing a nuisance.
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  There aren't. I mean, I, I, I, I'm talking
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  about by laws, of course. So not talking like national
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  laws, but in areas where each of the areas where I've lived,
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  there have been laws about where where you can have lights.
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  If someone has a light, for example, pointing into your home
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  so it's causing a nuisance, you could have have them redirected.
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  If there are aren't enough lights, you can have it changed
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  by each, in each case by talking to the council.
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  And so I think there are existing laws about it.
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  So I don't think you need a special law saying Christmas
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  lights need to be turned off at a certain time.
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  I think that you can make an application based on whether
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  they are actually intrusive to you because Christmas lights, we
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  are part of Christmas. I you want them there.
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  You just don't want to ask if you're awake at night.
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  I mean, if, what if we didn't have them?
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  How drew would that be in the building to Christmas?
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  You want to see people lighting up the houses in the most
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  tasteless ways possible. I mean, the fact that they're
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  tasteless makes them. It's one of those paradoxes.
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  I think the fact is if they're extremely tasteless, then
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  they're actually tasteful at Christmas.
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  Think about it. So I don't think you want a law
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  when they should be turned off. Just simply stick to current
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  regulations about whether you're intruding on someone else's
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  space. Yes.
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  Well, what I was quite remarkable.
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  So if you are thinking of going for it, some lights are more
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  disruptive than others. Yes, remarkably, sleep
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  specialist this is Doctor Nerina Ramplakan says that flashing
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  bright lights or blue toned lights are particularly
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  problematic and this is because the wavelengths trigger
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  photoreceptors in the eyes that suppress melatonin and shift
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  sleep wake cycles. So I know that it wouldn't
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  really affect you because you're dancing around all night like a
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  manic baboon as I've. Yes, earlier, but yeah, that is
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  interesting. I'm familiar with that because
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  you can. I don't, I don't have one at the
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  moment, but in one place that I rented, there was a night light
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  that was red and so it kind of was red.
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  So you didn't you you could wander around in in the night,
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  blundering around trying to find the toilet and you didn't
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  properly wake up. But if you then went into the
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  bathroom area and turned on the blue tinged fluorescent light
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  when you wake up. So it is interesting.
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  I mean, they just are naturally seem slightly blue the the the
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  fluorescent lights. So that's bluer than say the
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  sunlight. Sunlight is almost pure white.
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  So you you're you're affected by it.
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  I've noticed that, Yeah. So I mean, but surely Christmas
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  lights are are are red and and? Green, you could.
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  It could be embarrassing. Why would they be blown?
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  Well, because probably when you stumbled around in the dark and
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  you've woken up in the neighbors bedroom.
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  The lot. At least that's my case.
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  Now of course there is another point about Christmas which can
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  be slightly annoying and maybe I can highlight it by the
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  principle of craving for a silent night.
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  Yes, singing along to a Christmas single can make you
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  feel festive and glad. Moving to music and maybe mingle
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  where dancing gets quite bad with folk.
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  Jiving to every Jingle where some sounds are just a fad, but
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  though it causes ears to tingle, they all simply drive you mad.
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  Yes, well, we come to that festive period where of course
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  it's the chart topping Christmas single.
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  And this year Mr. Pete, yes, your heroine Kylie Minogue has
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  finally got there. Yes, yes, after 37 years of her
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  first UK number one hit, which was of course I should be so
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  lucky. But not for everybody else.
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  This time she's hit the top of the charts with Xmas.
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  I know it's one of your favourites, isn't it?
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  Yes, Yeah. Well, I mean, XM is I I Well,
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  you see, I'm a fan of clever word play.
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  And I don't know whether you noticed this, Mr. Mahl, but Xmas
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  spells Xmas, which means Christmas.
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  So did you notice that? That's very, very clever.
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  I don't. Now, I know over the years
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  people have spoken to me about how irritating they find it when
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  people use Xmas instead of Christmas.
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  But I looked into this. The original use of Xmas meant
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  Christmas, but they would use the chi symbol, the the Greek
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  letter, which which is the shape of an X, you see.
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  So that's, that's where it sort of came from.
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  I mean, some people thought said to me, well, it's because it
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  looks like a cross, but it's not quite right for a cross, is it?
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  It's like a cross is tiptoe. I think I I believe more the the
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  Kai idea. Yeah.
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  So it looks like. Yeah.
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  Well, that's interesting because.
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  If she. Using a Kylie Minogue using X
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  was it's actually Kai Mas. Yes, exactly.
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  It's such brilliant word play. I think it's amazing.
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  I'm, I'm, I'm starting it now. Campaign Kylie Minogue for Poet
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  Laureate. Well, absolutely.
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  Now what? For those of you who of course
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  have bought the song, I'm sure that you're all dancing to the
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  tune and of course making the gestures as well, because you
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  have to make the X, the M, the A and the S.
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  This irrepressibly jaunty anthem actually is a tell does tell a
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  story. Remarkably, which is.
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  The the presents the presents under the tree and kissing
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  someone special out in the snow. That's the purpose of the song.
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  That's that's quite a narrative. Now, I know that as we sort of
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  sort of draw towards the clothes as we think about Christmas, but
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  Mr. Pete, I must ask you an obvious question.
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  What on earth is the real meaning of Christmas?
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  That God in human form came to rescue us.
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  So it's good news. Merry Christmas everyone.
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  And here is a simple but final thought when you think of the
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  magic of Christmas. Believing in the magic of
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  Christmas Day means being under its spell for joy to appear,
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  where the gift of peace and hope Jingle all the way.
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  Then it vanishes for the rest of the year.