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E40: Why Your Feelings Keep Disappearing · For Love We Heal Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of the For Love We Hill podcast.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: It is April 30th, and I'm just about done paternity leave.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: I will be back seeing clients here next week, so I'm looking forward to that.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um and getting back into the swing of things, creating content, doing more podcast episodes.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um I have a I'm doing a live or a session with an individual next week on the podcast.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: So you'll get to uh hear somebody's story and do and hear a piece of work together.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't, if you haven't listened, I've done a ton of sessions with people uh about you know their issues with relationship OCD, helping them heal, helping them explore their parts and stuff.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: So if you've if you haven't uh listened to any of those, highly, highly recommend it to hear what other people are going through, what their uh what their issues have been, and just real sessions and understand helping uh to understanding where all of this actually comes from real time with people who are going through it just like you.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: So I would recommend scrolling back in the podcast list, and they'll you'll see them uh session with so-and-so, session with so and so.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um so go there.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: Uh Grace is away.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so it'll just be me today.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: But what are we going to be talking about today?
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna be talking about why your feelings for your partner keep disappearing, why um where that comes from, understanding you know, the the the parts at play, um expectations that we have of how we should feel in relationship spaces uh versus reality.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um yeah, so we're gonna be we're gonna be talking about a lot of that today.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: So if you struggle with your feelings disappearing for your partner, this is gonna be an episode for you.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: You might be someone who if you're like a lot of people with relationship OCD, you've you're in a uh um a healthy relationship with someone who's emotionally stable, um, who's caring, kind, um, and who is willing to work with you and be with you and and understand what you're going through.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, right, for many of you, you're you say that this is the best relationship that you've ever been in, but there's a confusion, right?
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because if this person is so great, why are you struggling so much?
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Why are you doubting it so much?
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: Why are you feeling the urge to leave?
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: If this person is the best person you've ever been with, why do you have this, the ick or disgust or avoidance and anxiety and the dis you know, all of this, right?
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: This can be incredibly confusing for us because we think that if we're in a good relationship, we should be calm, we should be at ease.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: But it doesn't work that way, especially for those of us who have relational wounding, which, you know, I I believe, and from, you know, uh, I think I'm, you know, over uh eight eight eight thousand hours with ROCD specific clients at this point.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: Every single person that I've worked with with relationship OCD has relational wounding.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: I think we all have relational wounding, but ROCD specific people have uh uh a degree of relational wounding that is pretty significant, right?
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because relationship OCD is, you know, I'd say OCD in general, but but specifically relationship OCD, it's a relational problem, right?
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: We're struggling in our relationship.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: So that that signals that is a byproduct of relational wounding.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: Because if we grew up with safety, I'll I'll read it.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'll read it for you.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: If we grew up, I have uh my little cheat sheet here about around what the um what the five primary conditions that support supports uh that promote secure attachment are.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: If we had a a felt sense, a sense of felt safety with where with consistent and reliable protection um from danger and threat, if we were seen and known where there was consistent and reliable and accurate attunement, right?
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: So our parents were paying attention to us, they knew how we felt, they were responsive to our needs.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um they uh they picked us up when we cried, they sued us when we were feeling uncomfortable, um, they welcomed all of our emotions, they they were um accepting of our desires and our our um our our explorations and our interests, and you know, um if there was an experience of felt comfort, where as I said, there's timely soothing and reassurance when we're feeling scared.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um if there's uh a sense of being valued and prompted by our parents consistent, reliable, and a clear, expressed delight in the in us, and there's a support in bringing being and becoming our unique self, right?
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Where there's consistent, reliable.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: And notice how there's consistent and reliable is such an important thing in in um in parenting and uh in our development because we need consistency and reliability in order to feel safe and secure, right?
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: Now, for most people, that is missing, right?
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: Because our parents are stressed or they had a difficult upbringing or whatever, um, we didn't get everything that we needed, and even worse, we've you know, we've suffered at the hands of critical or whatever.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna be talking a little bit about that.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: But my point is my point is is that relationship OCD is a relational problem resulting from having uh relational challenges early on in our life, right?
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: So um, so uh where where did I get where where did we go there?
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: So uh so essentially, um where what's going on here, right?
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Why do our feelings for our partner keep disappearing if oh I know why, because we're talking about if you're with a a safe, reliable partner, it's not as easy as just saying, well, then I should be calm, right?
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: When we have relational issues growing up, it's going to show up in our relationships later in life.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: And we've talked a lot about this on the podcast, right?
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like the the fact that your partner is the way they are, the fact that your partner is secure is the reason, is part of the reason why you're struggling so much because they represent more of a threat to your system.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: The emotional availability, though the the fact that they want to get to know, see you and know you on the deepest level terrifies you.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: It terrifies us, right?
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: I know because I've been there, right?
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm a lot better.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a lot better than I was.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I still struggle with avoidance in my relationship.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's gonna be something that I'm healing ongoing.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: But um, but you know, I'm I'm a lot, I mean, I I'm I'm a much more welcoming of of intimacy and vulnerability than I was before because I trust and I have a knowing that I'm lovable just the way I am.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: But when we carry beliefs of un unlovability and when we have rejection wounds, and when we feel like you know we haven't been wanted growing up as kids and stuff, that those things live within us, right?
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: We're we're afraid that if we reveal who we truly are inside, if if our partner gets to know us on the deepest level, the the as as Emma Watson said, you know, in a in an interview, we won't be chosen.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: We fear not being chosen if we're really seen for who we are.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: So the the closer we get, the more emotionally available our partner, the more secure they are.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, they are naturally wanting to get to know us because they're secure.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: They want to they they have genuine curiosity about who we are.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: That feels scary because we don't want them to see us for who we really are.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: And that, you know, that's terrifying to not be to to not to risk not being chosen.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, it brings up those that pain uh as that real primal visceral pain that we carry in our bodies of those rejection wounds.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's sharp, it hurts.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's something that we might probably don't even remember, but it's a it's a it's a it's an implicit uh experience that we hold inside that we just don't want to ever get close to again.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: So part of the reason why our feelings are disappearing, you know, we we might be in a situation where we, you know, like you've you you entered the relationship and initially you felt, you know, head over heels, or you were really into your partner, you're really attracted, and things were going well, and you were so happy.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: And and then, you know, one day you woke up one morning and you looked at the ceiling and you sort of had a thought that you maybe you don't love them, or maybe they did something and you felt the ick or you felt disgusted, and all of a sudden they had a thought that you didn't love them anymore.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: And right, like something happened at one point.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: You know, many of you, uh some of you might have had ROCD from the very beginning of the relationship, but many of you have, you know, had a period of time at least where things were really well, and then all of a sudden something happened, or the thought or whatever came in that you know, threw you off.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: And then all of a sudden you're spiraling in anxiety and and despair that you're that you this is this is the wrong relationship, or yet you don't love them, or you're not attracted, or that you'd be happier with somebody else.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I mean, how can you feel anything good or happy or calm when you're when you're spiraling in such uh dread, right?
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: So we'll talk about what what I'd like to talk to you now about is is blending, right?
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: So we have these parts of us, as many of you know, we we were a big fan of internal family systems therapy, which is parts work and inner child healing.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: And um what blending is in the IFS model is when parts take over there or they they could also what's what's talked about in or uh in the IFS communities, they they or as as Richard Schwartz would say, the founder of IFS, he would say parts hijack our our eyes, right?
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: When parts blend with us, they they they take over our experience, right?
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: So for example, you might be feeling, oh wow, you know, I'm having a really great time with my partner tonight, and oh, geez, they're they're so attractive.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I I'm so surprised because I've you know I haven't really seen this them in this way in a while, and I'm just so happy that I'm feeling this, and oh my god, I hope it lasts, and boom.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: And then, you know, all of a sudden you have a thought that you're just lying to yourself.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't real.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: You're just having a moment of of infatuation, right?
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, you you whatever.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: Pick pick a thought.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: Anything that can come in that'll throw you off will do it because they're designed.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: These part, these other parts that come in want to convince you that you're not in the right relationship so that you can just avoid the risk of rejection, right?
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: So these parts will come in and say whatever, but you know, you'll have these good moments, and then all of a sudden, boom, you get thrown off.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: And this is what blending is is a a part comes in.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um, sorry, so what will happen is parts blend when they come in.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: So all of a sudden you're starting, you you feel um, you're feeling great, you're you know, maybe you're out for dinner, you're having a good time, and then all of a sudden a thought comes in or a physical sensation or a memory or whatever comes in and it completely throws you off, right?
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: So that's what blending is when parts blend with us, they take over our experience.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: So let's use avoidance for an example as an example or disgust as an example.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: A part of you gives you, evokes an experience of disgust.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: So the part that disgust part comes in, it takes over our body, our emotions, our thought processes.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: We start to see the world through that part.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: We we our perceptions are influenced, we have we're influenced by it, and our and the way that we see our partner, it we're seeing our partner through the lens or through the eyes of the part of disgust, and it feels like our truth.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: That's where you know many of you will say it just feels so real.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's because you're having an experience that's very that's relatively real, that's influenced by the beliefs and the motivations of a particular protective part of you that's trying to influence you in some way.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: So of course it feels real because it's relatively real coming from a place inside and an old belief system or a fear or a uh a concern that's trying to influence you in some way to take a particular action or behavior that's going to be what's thought to be protective in some way to get you into safety, right?
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: So that's why it feels real, because it is relatively real.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's not nothing is inherently real, everything is sort of a uh run through the mind, right?
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: But um we're we perceive it to be real.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: So blending happens.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: So what happens when your feelings disappear, those good feelings, the the love, you know, the the connection or whatever, that stuff doesn't go away, right?
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: We think we're we're we're we're so we're so preoccupied with things going away.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't go away, it just gets obscured, like you know, and I talked about this in my in my work, right?
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's like an eclipse, like the where or a solar eclipse when the I think the when the moon eclipses the sun.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: The sun doesn't go away, it's just it gets covered by something different, and then we lose access temporarily.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: But the love is still there, right?
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: And you you what our work is is we have to do the work to help our protective parts relax and trust so that our heart can be more open.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because we go through these experiences as kids, right?
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: And our hearts, and you know, Richard Schwartz calls it, he says, our our hearts become calloused, right?
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and our our hearts become calloused because we've gone through repeated experiences where connection is just not felt good, right?
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: In order to connect to another human being fully, we need to have an open heart.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: But our heart closes more and more and more and more the more we feel betrayal or we feel hurt or we feel, you know, and I mean this comes from a multitude of experiences from parental issues to peer bullying to teachers scolding us.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, like, you know, this can happen through many experiences.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: It does primarily it happens through the very earliest interactions with our caregivers, and our attachment style forms between I think it's uh 18 and 24 months.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: So there's uh there's a very early attachment that uh formation that happens at a very early age.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: So there's there's a lot that happens even before we're actually aware of it, right?
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: And um, so we're when we're doing this work, we're really working at these very early ages and throughout our life, um, helping to re sort of rewrite the storyline of our lives in a way that um is more conducive to connection being safe, right?
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: So we're using powerful imagery to help bring forward um ideal parent figures and uh to to really uh help us to get an experience of felt security and to um you know, and through repeated engagement with imagery such as this and working with our parts and helping them release uh old beliefs and uh having new uh emotional and relational experiences internally through repeated engagement with this type of imagery and this type of work, we take on a new internal working model of attachment, which means we do uh we kind of rewrite and create a new template from which we we exist in relationship, right?
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: Can it we so that's a little bit of the work you you we we we do, but essentially what we want to do is we want to clear away the fear and anxiety and distrust and everything that has your heart calloused so that you can just naturally be open and connected with your partner, right?
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um so that's so I don't know, let's let's think for a second, guys.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just kind of flying flying off the cuff here on today's episode, but I think we should talk about um more about avoidant attachment, right?
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: So avoidant attachment is what keeps you away from connection, right?
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: We talked about that.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: So we we've had uh experiences of rejection or hurt or betrayal or just a complete, you know, lack of uh a complete lack of connection when we needed it most, right?
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: We were left alone in our emotions a lot, left alone to deal with our emotions on our own, right?
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: So we took on this sense of independence that we um that we need to take care of ourselves and we can't rely on anybody and you nobody knows it better than we do, and you know, so we we've taken on what can seem in our culture.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, uh, you know, in independence is so heavily valued, but hyperindependence is is isolating and and deteriorates our uh our mental health because we need connection.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: But we many of us have taken on this hyper-independent uh uh role because we we didn't really have anybody to rely on emotionally at a very early age, right?
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: And many of us have been parentified, so we felt responsible for taking care or providing for the needs of a caregiver that was vulnerable, or being inserted between two parents that were fighting and felt like the mediator or whatever it is.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_00: Name your experience, all of these things lead to emotional avoidance.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um, engulfment, feeling uh suffocated by the needs of a parent.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um, many much of these things lead us to go, oh, I'm just like I'm gonna like really just I'm just gonna handle this stuff on my own because if I bring my emotions up, I'm either gonna get told that I'm too much, or I'm gonna get rejected, or I'm gonna be left alone in it, or my parents aren't gonna know what to do about it, or they're gonna get upset that I'm upset, and they're right.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_00: We're just like, oh, just forget about it.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm doing dealing with this stuff on my own.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: So we pull away, right?
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um so all these things lead to avoiding attachments.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: So these are the things that we need to start to uncover and work with in our inner work.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um right.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: So now, um, what also so why do our feelings keep disappearing?
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: For all of these reasons.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I said they're not disappearing, they're being obscured by other by other parts of you, right?
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_00: And um now, what also obscures is our are obsessive parts, right?
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, we have these feelings of pulling away, like let's name some experiences, right?
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: So um feeling uh repulsed by your partner, lack of sexual desire, uh, lack of intimacy, um, feeling shut down, numb, feeling the ick, feeling uh uh uh apathy, like you don't care about your partner anymore.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um all of these experiences come from a deactivated attachment systems, and deactivation is an attempt to pull away uh a sell a sense of to provide a sense of self-preservation, uh, and which is right, so um they these are all experiences that lead us to pull away and disconnect and um uh yeah, so so that's um so these are reasons why our feelings disappear is because they're being obscured by avoidance.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah, and and sorry, I'm I'm rambling a little bit.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um the the the obsessive parts then take that, they go, so we've got these avoidant parts, and you see this triangle that I've done uh in in so some of my work, right?
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_00: So we've got an OCD at the top.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: And that we've got uh disorganized or fearful avoidant attachment style on the bottom, right?
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: So on the tops, OCD, and on the bottom, there's a polarization on either side of the triangle where there's avoidance and avoidant attachment and anxious attachment.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_00: Avoidant attachment is afraid of connection and a fear of rejection and engulfment, so we pull away.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_00: And anxious attachment is sort of uh what Frank Anderson says, you know, is doing whatever it takes to keep our partner in our life, right?
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where our fears of loss come from.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_00: And that's so there's this constant oscillation between needing to escape and needing to preserve the relationship.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_00: Because the person that you're with has become an attachment figure for your inner children, which means your inner children have attached to your partner as a sense of safety and security.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: The idea of losing that, especially when we have significant attachment wounds, the idea of losing this attachment figure is literally terrifying because it actually feels as though you're losing a parent.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because the inner children attach to your partner as though they are a type of parent.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_00: So it's terrifying with the idea of losing your partner because they become such an integral part of feeling safe and secure.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: Now, ironically, they're also a source of fear and distress.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_00: Disorganized attachment originates when a caregiver is both a source of comfort and safety and a source of fear and distress.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_00: You get locked into wanting to uh get get close to them because you need them.
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_00: You need their closeness and their security and for a sense of safety.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_00: But when you get close, you're also noticing that there is a sense of fear and distress, so you want to pull away.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_00: This is where we get locked into this push and pull of disorganized attachment.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's it's an agonizing thing that continues through our life.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_00: So we're still grappling with that when we have relationship OCD.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um Yeah, so so there's so there's this triangle, right?
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_00: Now, what happens is is these avoidant parts when they throw up things like disgust or you know, repulsed or avoidant or apathetic or lusting over other people or limerencing over other people, uh, other than your partner, it terrifies both the anxious side because they're like, Oh my, that if that means that I'm in the wrong relationship where I should be with someone else and I have to leave, and then I have to face this terror of abandonment rupture, um abandonment rapture, right?
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_00: The f this losing this important person in my life, this attachment figure.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_00: But also too, the OCD, the the fear of making a mistake and being bad and shame gets activated because the OCD parts go, This isn't what I learned being in a relationship was supposed to be like, and keywords supposed to.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't what I learned was right in a relationship.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm I'm wrong, I'm in the wrong relationship.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm making a a huge mistake, but I also don't want to be alone, I want to stay, but I'm staying from my own selfish desires, so this is bad.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm a bad I'm I'm being a bad person, I'm a horrible person for putting this per this partner, this wonderful person through hell for my own selfish desires for closeness, right?
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: How how can I do that?
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_00: But I also feel like I can't be honest because I don't want to hurt them, but I also don't want to leave, so I can't be honest, so I can't be open about it.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_00: So I f I feel it's it's an agonizing, it feels a prison because you really feel like you can't be open and honest because you don't want to hurt your partner.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um and you you think that leaving would be the appropriate uh uh decision to make.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you're in the wrong late, you should leave, but you don't want to be alone, so you don't leave, so you feel more shame.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um right, but uh ultimately the OCD subsystem of this triangle is a fear of making mistakes and being a bad person.
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_00: So the avoidance activates the shame, but the avoidance also activates the fear of loss, right?
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_00: So you get we get locked into this terrible triangle of parts that are all operating in different ways trying to protect you in different ways, trying to prevent rejection on the avoidance side, trying to prevent law, prevent loss on the anxious side, trying to prevent mistakes on the OCD side.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_00: So when we're working together, or when you're working on this stuff, you have to keep these three subsystems in mind because these are the these are the pillars that keep ROCD in motion.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_00: We have to dismantle the pillars uh gently and with respect and heal the wounds under them in order for ROCD to be um distinguished in in a sense, right?
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_00: In order to bring more peace and trust in the system.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_00: Um so that is what I would say about that.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I'm gonna just take a quick moment and look at my notes to see if there's more because I know we're at uh we're at about 27 minutes, we're at about a half an hour point.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_00: I do want to give you a little bit more today.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um so what are our expectations in relationship?
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, we have these crazy unrealistic expectations in relationship, and Esther Perel says talks about this in a quote.
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_00: She says, Today we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity.
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_00: At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_00: Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all?
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_00: So look, here here's here's the the we we expect so much from our relationships, and I've got my notes here, right?
• 28:28
  SPEAKER_00: We expect to be attracted 24-7, we expect to be head over heels, we expect to be having deep conversations um a lot to long for our partner, to miss our partner when they're away, to not have any conflict, to feel whole.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like these are these crazy expectations that we have from our relationships.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I would agree with Esther Esther when she says, you know, we we're looking to one person to provide what an entire village once did, because we we're missing a huge piece to our well-being, which is community.
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_00: Integrated community, people that we can rely upon, people that we can trust, and and people that we can uh trust to hold our emotional well-being and and to help us walk through the the different rites of passage in life, like puberty and becoming a woman or a man or or other, and you know, uh all of these really important milestones that were once sort of so part of being in uh in a community that are no longer sharing food, dancing, singing together, like all of these really important things that we're missing now.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: We're looking to our partner for, right?
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_00: A sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um and and I would add to that, we're also, as I said, we're looking to our partner, our little inner children are looking to our partner as an attachment figure.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_00: We are looking to get what was missing from our childhood.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_00: So if there's if we feel um uh a sort of like if there's a sort of this insatiable emotional hunger that's left over from childhood, we will look to our romantic relationships for that.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_00: We will look to our romantic relationships to heal what was missing in our childhood.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_00: And then we'll we will be once we realize that our relationships don't do that for us, which this is what most this is what most people call falling out of love.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_00: We fall out of love when we realize that the story we've had about our partner, the love, the the uh uh as um uh oh shoot.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_00: Lindsay Gibson says the healing fantasy.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um when we realize that the healing fantasy doesn't hold up, we we follow to love.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_00: We we realize, oh, this person isn't really who I thought they were.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_00: When really the th the person that you thought they were was your own story of who they were, not who they actually are.
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_00: We we we humans uh and at least in this to today's day and age, we don't we're not letting the our partner be who they are.
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_00: We're expecting our partner to be who we want them to be and who we believe we need them to be so that we don't feel the pain of our childhood and the emptiness and everything, the loneliness that's left behind from our childhood.
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_00: If we which it can't we can't do that, it doesn't work that way, right?
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_00: I want to read you the the healing fantasy quote by Lindsay Gibson.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_00: Uh it essentially it's a hopeful story about how life will one day be different, right?
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_00: So that's through either acting different or behaving differently or showing up differently as a way to get a love and approval, which is what many of us do, especially perfectionists.
• 32:09
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we we take on this perfection, this idea that we'll if we act or behave or show up a certain way, that people will like us or love us.
• 32:18
  SPEAKER_00: But also it's the hopeful story about how one day things will be different when we finally find that one true happily ever after, that we won't be suffering anymore and that we'll they will love us and that they will, you know, we will feel deeply in love or whatever, right?
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_00: So we have these super unrealistic expectations of what relationships should be like when in reality sometimes we're gonna fucking hate each other, right?
• 32:43
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, me and my partner, like we we, you know, we're a lot better now, but my God, we've gone through hell together.
• 32:49
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we there's been moments where we just we, you know, we wonder if it's worth staying together.
• 32:55
  SPEAKER_00: Like when things get really heated, when we're triggered and our wounds are just inflamed, you know, this isn't romantic, right?
• 33:03
  SPEAKER_00: This is like stuff where we're like, you know, we're we're angry with each other, we're you know, we say things that are hurtful to one another, we show up in really immature ways, and we our child parts come out and we kind of attack each other in certain ways, and we eventually come back together and we talk and we're able to sort it out.
• 33:24
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's what makes the difference between like if we got stuck in that and we were still like carrying resentment for weeks and you know, and talking, you know, swearing at each other and you know, being really abusive to each other, that's unhealthy.
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_00: But we've always been able to come back from that and be able to talk about it and express how we feel and come up with a plan and compromise and do whatever we need to do.
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_00: But my God, relationships are hard, right?
• 33:54
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, like we we're gonna go through hell together, right?
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_00: And if we if we do that and we have these expectations that everything's gonna be perfect, then we're immediately gonna assume that this is the wrong person.
• 34:08
  SPEAKER_00: We're just gonna try and find somebody where it's easier, but eventually you're just gonna find someone that you have to go through a whole new set of issues with.
• 34:16
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I'm not saying this does j this isn't justification for staying in a relationship that's um abusive, but it's uh it's important to note that relationships are friggin' messy sometimes and you're gonna have to go through hell together.
• 34:35
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_00: And um so yes, your feelings are going to ebb and flow.
• 34:43
  SPEAKER_00: You're not you're not gonna be head over heels all the time, and it's gonna be hard and it's gonna be great sometimes.
• 34:48
  SPEAKER_00: And the more that you go through hell together, and the more that you are able to work through the difficult problems together, the better you get at communicating, the better, the more that you can acknowledge your inner wounds and you can uh take accountability and empathize with one another and do that, the better things are gonna get.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_00: The more that you heal your wounding, the more your your heart opens up.
• 35:09
  SPEAKER_00: You will be able to get to a place with each other where things are feeling pretty good most of the time.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, and that's where I'm at in my relationship now.
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we've gone through hell together, we've done the work, we've been in therapy.
• 35:23
  SPEAKER_00: I, you know, we continue to do therapy, we continue to go to couples therapy when things get rocky.
• 35:28
  SPEAKER_00: We are committed, we are doing this thing, and that requires us to go through hell to keep going to get to get to the other side.
• 35:37
  SPEAKER_00: And we I think that we're gonna go through hell to get to the other side until we die.
• 35:42
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, I don't think that there's a day where something magically clicks and then we're we're in fantasy land.
• 35:49
  SPEAKER_00: I think the fantasy needs to die.
• 35:52
  SPEAKER_00: I believe the fantasy needs to die.
• 35:56
  SPEAKER_00: Let that sink in.
• 35:58
  SPEAKER_00: You have to let the fantasy die in order and embrace reality, the harsh reality, that your relationship isn't a mat a magical solution to all your problems.
• 36:11
  SPEAKER_00: The the relationship is another problem, is going to be another problem that you have to work on, right?
• 36:19
  SPEAKER_00: Because you're gonna have shit that comes up.
• 36:20
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing stirs our wounds up, like being in a relationship with another person.
• 36:25
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's where our relations where our problems originated from.
• 36:28
  SPEAKER_00: So your feelings are gonna ebb and flow.
• 36:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so embrace the the reality of that.
• 36:36
  SPEAKER_00: Um, if you need help with all of this, the lowest tier, the the the lowest cost to you that you can do this for is 37 bucks a month.
• 36:47
  SPEAKER_00: You can come in and join my ROCD community where we do bi-weekly support groups.
• 36:52
  SPEAKER_00: The support groups are the second and fourth Thursdays of the month.
• 36:56
  SPEAKER_00: The second Thursday is 9 a.m.
• 36:58
  SPEAKER_00: Eastern.
• 36:58
  SPEAKER_00: The fourth Thursday is 4 p.m.
• 37:00
  SPEAKER_00: Eastern.
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_00: My 12-hour course is included.
• 37:04
  SPEAKER_00: Private Facebook community.
• 37:07
  SPEAKER_00: Just come in and get some help around this stuff.
• 37:09
  SPEAKER_00: This is sort of the um uh this is the next best thing I would say to therapy, right?
• 37:16
  SPEAKER_00: So come and join the community if you if that calls to you.
• 37:19
  SPEAKER_00: If if you're looking to really dive in, if this podcast episode spoke to you, if you want to dive in and do the work, we'd love to support you.
• 37:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um fill out a discovery call request form and we'll we'll meet with you for 20 minutes for free to see if working with someone from my team would be a good fit for you.
• 37:39
  SPEAKER_00: Um and uh yeah, we'll get we'll get it, we'll we'll help you out with what you're going through.
• 37:46
  SPEAKER_00: The days do get better.
• 37:47
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I know how I know it's you it's like you're walking through literal hell.
• 37:52
  SPEAKER_00: I remember how bad it was um just just being so in agony constantly with this issue.
• 38:00
  SPEAKER_00: But I do promise you that there are better days are ahead and it doesn't get better until you start doing the work.
• 38:06
  SPEAKER_00: So we're here for you in that way.
• 38:07
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, you know, if if that if if it's feasible for you to do that, and that's why I will offer the lower cost option for some, it's like it's just not feasible to do bi-weekly or weekly therapy sessions.
• 38:19
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, it's so expensive.
• 38:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so that's why I have the$37 a month option where you can do, you know, you get your practices and the info that you need, but you also get the support groups that you can come to.
• 38:31
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, you also are encouraged to pair up with people in the community um to do inner work together.
• 38:38
  SPEAKER_00: You're given actual templates to help facilitate inner work with each other to help you explore your wounding and those three pillars that I talked about today.
• 38:46
  SPEAKER_00: So uh, so yeah, anyway, if you feel called to 37 bucks a month, can't beat that.
• 38:51
  SPEAKER_00: Come on in there.
• 38:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um uh next week, as I said, I'm having someone on.
• 38:56
  SPEAKER_00: We're doing a real session.
• 38:57
  SPEAKER_00: I'm helping someone explore our C D, whatever topics they're gonna bring forward, so you'll get to see this work live in action.
• 39:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and uh that should do it for today, everybody.
• 39:09
  SPEAKER_00: I really appreciate you tuning in.
• 39:10
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, we're getting we're getting lots of downloads.
• 39:13
  SPEAKER_00: So you all of you, you know, you you're listening, so I really appreciate that.
• 39:17
  SPEAKER_00: You're you're helping me do what I love to do, and I'm so grateful to you for that.
• 39:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um, just uh I'm so I feel so blessed that I'm able to do this work.
• 39:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um uh it's very important for me to be able to support people and and whatever.
• 39:37
  SPEAKER_00: It fills me up.
• 39:37
  SPEAKER_00: So I appreciate you.
• 39:39
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• 39:45
  SPEAKER_00: It really helps.
• 39:46
  SPEAKER_00: Uh it would uh be really grateful for you if you did that.
• 39:51
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• 39:55
  SPEAKER_00: I hope that you so leave me a five star review and tell me a little bit about what you like, and and yeah, and I'll uh I'll see you in the next episode next week.
• 40:05
  SPEAKER_00: Uh take care, everybody.