Latest / The Divorce Decision Podcast / Episode 8: 3 Game-Changing Questions To Strengthen Your Relationship

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Episode 8: 3 Game-Changing Questions To Strengthen Your Relationship · The Divorce Decision Podcast

• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Lucky in Love, a podcast where we explore what really makes and breaks relationships.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: So whether you're head over heels in love, caught up in the middle of some relationship drama, or just trying to figure it all out, you're in the right place.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Are you ready to be lucky in love?
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Join me.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Carrie Hoskins.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Now let's jump in.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Hey there, friends.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to the podcast.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: So today I'm going to be sharing with you three powerful questions that you can use to help your relationship.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: Now, for those of you who are in a new dating relationship, these may or may not apply to you right now, but I would definitely suggest that you listen to this podcast and keep these questions kind of like in your hip pocket for down the road.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: For those of you that are in committed relationships and you're not very happy in your relationship, you can use these questions to hopefully get you to feel a little bit better about your relationship and to potentially turn it around and get it back on track if that's something that you're interested in doing.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: And for those of you who are actually very happy in your relationship, you're going to see that you can use these to help keep you in that good place.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I do use these questions regularly in my own relationship when I am self-coaching and when I am coaching other people.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I do know firsthand the impact that these questions can have.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I wanted to talk about this because there is a difference between couples who are merely existing in their relationship and the ones who are actually happy and content and enjoy each other's company most of the time.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I say most of the time because we're human beings.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: So I think it's probably impossible to enjoy your partner or spouse's company all of the time, but hopefully you enjoy it more than you don't.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: So if your desire is to be happy and content year after year after year, then these questions are definitely going to be important for you to start working into your mindset and your relationship.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: But before I jump into the three questions, I did want to talk very quickly about three different like areas of effort or willingness that I personally believe it takes to maintain a happy, healthy relationship.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: And the first area is there needs to be a willingness to understand yourself and your partner during conflict or disagreements.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: The second is that there needs to be a willingness to take responsibility for your part of the relationship.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: This is so important because the way that your relationship feels, whether that's a good thing or not a good thing, is a consequence or a result of your thoughts, of your feelings, and of your behaviors in the relationship.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this doesn't mean your partner doesn't have any responsibility.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: Of course they do, but you can't force somebody else to take responsibility.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: The only person that can do that is yourself or themselves, right?
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: So taking responsibility is important.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: And the third area is there needs to be a willingness and a desire to continue learning about each other and growing together as a couple.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: So all three of these like areas, for lack of a better word, is what helps create trust and connection between you and your significant other.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: So as I go through these questions, I'm going to encourage you to consider how you can apply these to your own life and your own relationship.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: And as you're going to see, every of um every one of these questions that I'm going to give you actually directly relates to one of those three areas that we just talked about.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: So the first question that I would encourage you to start using, and probably my favorite one, is why is this so important to you?
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: This is a fantastic question to ask if you're having a disagreement or if there's an issue in your relationship that you just can't seem to resolve and move past.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: So whether it's your first argument or you've been in a relationship for 25 years and it's like your gazillion, your consillient argument, this is a great question to ask.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: Because this question is all about a willingness and desire to understand where your partner is coming from.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I do want to say there's like a quick side note here.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: You have to be careful with your tone of voice when you ask this question, especially if you decide to ask this question like in the moment.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: I would suggest that you take a deep breath and center yourself before asking this question.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you do it in a tone of voice that sounds harsh or judgmental or accusatory, they're not going to want to answer it and be open and honest with you.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: But if you ask it with authenticity and kindness and curiosity, they're much more likely to be open and honest about where they're coming from.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: When you ask this question from a really good place, what you're communicating to your partner or your spouse is that I want to understand this part of you better.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: And who doesn't want to be listened to and heard and understood?
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: We all do, right?
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: And so this question can really go a long way in helping you resolve any kind of conflicts, arguments, or disagreements that you may be having.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: This answer is, or their answer is going to give you some perspective into what's going on with them, what is going on in their heart and what is going on in their mind.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: Now, what people I think they lose sight of.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: They lose sight of the fact that in most cases, most disagreements or arguments, there is more to the story than what's on the surface.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: There is more to the story than what you're actually arguing about.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: So I was, and by the way, that is why this is so, that's why this question is so important, is because it gets to the what's, you know, like what's the other part of the story here?
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I was working with a man who was really unhappy with his wife, very, very frustrated.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: They'd been married for seven years.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: And when they first got married, they went over to his parents' house once or twice a week, every week for dinner.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: And then after about a year to a year and a half, um, they started going over once a week.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: And then after that, it kind of tapered off to twice a month.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: And then it was like, you know, once a month.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: Well, now they're having issues because he wants to go over and see his parents more, and she wants to see them less.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: She wants to see them less than once a month.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: And they keep arguing and going in circles about this.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: When they argue, she'll give him reasons.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: Reasons like, well, your mom, you know, buys all this sugary bad food and lets the kids eat it, you know, even though I protest.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: She says, Oh, it's grandma's house and grandma's rules.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: And so she lets the kids eat the junk food.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: And he says, Well, I can talk to my mom and you know, make sure she doesn't do that.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: But that, but nope, that that doesn't matter.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: The wife is like, no, I still don't want to go over.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: Then it's, well, it's not fair because we get to see your family way more than we see my family.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: And the husband says, Well, we can go see your family more if that's what you want to do, no problem.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: But the wife is like, no, I still don't want to go over.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: So for every reason she gives for not wanting to go over, he has a solution to it, but it's still not working, right?
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: Because she really doesn't want to go over.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: And he's incredibly frustrated.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: He doesn't understand what the big deal is, you know, to his way of thinking, it's once a month, it's like two to three hours, and that's not a very big sacrifice.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: So at this point now, they are arguing about it and they're both digging in their heels.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: And so I gave him homework.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: And his homework was to find a calm, neutral, peaceful time to sit down and have a really good conversation with his wife about this issue.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I encouraged him to tell her that he understands that she does not want to see his parents as much and to ask her why is this so important to you?
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: And he did.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: And this is what he learned.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: He learned that his wife feels like his mother does not respect her.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um, she feels like her mother-in-law makes passive-aggressive remarks and comments, sometimes in front of the kids, sometimes when they're alone, sometimes in front of the husband, but the husband doesn't defend her.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: And she feels completely on her own and that she has to be on guard every time they go over there, and she actually dreads it.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this he had no idea that this is what she was experiencing and going through.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: All he knew was that she was pissed off and upset, right?
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: So this was a really big revelation to him.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: And he just frankly did not understand what a big emotional impact and toll this was taking on his wife.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: And they kind of got into a little bit of an argument about the passive aggressive stuff because he doesn't perceive it as being passive aggressive, but she does.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so really this disagreement wasn't about, you know, how often they're going over to dinner or even having dinner or not.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's really about her feeling like her husband isn't defending her against her mother-in-law when she felt like she was being attacked.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: She didn't feel like she like he had her back.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: And for them, getting really to what was going on underneath the service, uh, the surface was huge because then they were able to talk about the real issue, which is him, you know, having her back and taking her side in front of his mom and her feeling like she had a partner and that she wasn't kind of left to her own devices to defend herself.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: And so they actually ended up having some really great conversations and they were able to set some boundaries and come up with some solutions to make it, you know, easier for his wife to go and visit his parents.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: So I hope you can see how asking this question can really make a difference when it comes to resolving certain issues or problems in your relationship.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I also use this question in my own relationship.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: If my husband and I are having a disagreement, um, I always ask myself first, why is this so important to me?
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: Or why is my position so important to me?
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: And once I kind of wrap my mind around my own answer, that's when I go to him and I ask him, why is this so important to you?
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: And frankly, I think this is why he and I don't have a lot of drama when we argue.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it's because we're able to very quickly kind of get to whatever it is that's underneath the surface and resolve it without really hurting each other in the process.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: So if you have been in a relationship for a long time, please, please, please listen up right now and come back to me.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: You need to ask them this question, even if you think you know the answer.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: Most of us who are in long-term relationships think that we know everything there is to know about our partner.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: But the truth is, most of the times what we think are based on our assumptions, okay?
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: Based on things maybe that they've done or said in the past.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes our assumptions are right, and sometimes our assumptions are way off.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: But it doesn't even matter because they are just assumptions.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: So don't assume you know the answer.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: Ask it anyway, and then listen, listen, listen to their answer.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: Don't argue with their response, don't belittle it, don't dismiss it, don't blow it off.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: You want to listen to it and acknowledge it.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: Asking your um significant other this question is literally asking them to open themselves up, to be vulnerable and honest with you.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: And if you dismiss them or belittle them or make a snide comment, it's going to be harder to get them to open up to you in the future, and it's going to shut them down in the moment.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: And that is the opposite of what we want.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: So, the next question I actually got from Esther Perel.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: She's a well-known couple therapist.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: She's been practicing for over three decades, and she has her own podcast, which I highly recommend.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's called Where Should We Begin?
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: And she asks this next question a lot of times at the beginning of her sessions.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: And here is the question.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: The question is, what have you done this week to help your relationship?
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think this is a fantastic question to ask yourself.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: What have I done this week to help my relationship?
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: I love this question so much because it gets to the heart of responsibility, right?
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: It gets to the heart of owning your part of the relationship.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: So, for those of you that are unhappy in your relationship, what are you actively doing to help it?
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: One of the struggles I think that all of us have when we are in the helping industry, um, I think most relationship coaches and most relationship or couples therapists probably struggle with this.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: And it's trying to help our clients recognize, acknowledge, and take ownership for how they've contributed to the problems and the issues in the relationship.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um, there tends to be a lot of finger pointing and blame when things go sideways.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: And to be honest with you, these that does not help.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: Finger pointing and blame, that just prolongs and exacerbates the problems because what it does is it creates this cycle of blame and defensiveness.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: And blame and defensiveness are the opposite of getting to a solution.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, and I've said this before and I'm gonna continue to say it.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: You need to be willing to go first, you need to be willing to be the first one who takes responsibility for their part of the issues in the relationship.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're experiencing problems, what are you actively doing to make it better?
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: Are you trying to understand your partner more?
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: Are you acknowledging your significant other?
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um, when they follow through and do something they promised you they would do?
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: Are you saying thank you and expressing gratitude on a regular basis?
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: When your partner wants affection, when they want to hug, um, or when they want to hold hands, are you turning into them and giving them that affection or are you rejecting them and pushing them away?
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: Are you stopping yourself from making that snide comment under your breath or that mean joke or jab when you're upset?
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: What are you doing to actively help your relationship?
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: Now, for those of you who are in really great, healthy, happy relationships, for you, what this might mean is, what have I done this week to keep our relationship on track?
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: Or it might mean, what have I done this week to help keep our relationship from getting stale?
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: Because maintaining a satisfying relationship year after year after year requires you actively participating in it and not just going through the motions.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: When you go through the motions, your feelings begin to wane and they begin to shift, and that's when you start to feel disconnected and discontent.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: So, what have I done this week to help my relationship?
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: Is a fantastic question that reminds you that you share in the responsibility of the current state of your relationship or your marriage.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this last question is really for those of you who have been together for a while, meaning five, six, seven, or more years, right?
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: And you want to continue to maintain your relationship with your significant other.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: So this next question is really about learning and growing as a couple.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: So the question is, what have we learned about each other this year?
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: If you're doing a self-reflection, it's what have I learned about from, you know, about my partner this past year.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you can have a discussion with your partner during one of your relationship check-ins and ask them, what have you learned about me this year?
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like what have we learned about each other?
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: This should be a fun question, you guys.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: But I really like this question because human beings are wired to want both like predictability, because predict predictability means safety in a relationship.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: But we also want like novelty, which is excitement in a relationship.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: So it's always this fine line between what is uh predictable and safe and what is novel and exciting.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: And the longer you're together, the more effort it takes to keep your relationship novel and exciting.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: So, how do you answer this question?
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you can reflect on what's kind of gone down in your life over the past year, like the really great stuff and maybe the more challenging stuff.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe your partner reacted or responded to a stressful situation in a surprising or unexpected way.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: Get curious about that.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: Ask them about that.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you learned something new about them when you were on an impromptu vacation somewhere and they made a random comment.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, now I'm cracking up.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: Because last weekend my husband and I were hanging out in the kitchen and uh we had the fire going in the other room, and uh we were listening to music.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: We were listening to it on the Alexa app, and we were playing like 90s alternative metal grunge.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: And my husband goes, you know, we we should really listen to Alice and Chains more.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, what?
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: I listen to Alice and Chains all the time.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: And he goes, What?
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: You listen to Alice?
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: When do you listen to Alice and Chains?
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: And um I was just cracking up.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, well, every time I get in the car, so every time I get in the car by myself when no one else is in the car, that's typically what I turn on.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: There's this one album that I love, and I will listen to it old school style, where you start it the first song and you listen all the way through, and then you hit repeat.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I do with this album.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so we were just cracking up because he's, I didn't I never knew that about you.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, Well, I wasn't hiding it.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: It was just that I do this when I'm by myself.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: So there you go, you learn something new, right?
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: So discovering new things about each other is what keeps things fresh and interesting.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_00: And quite frankly, it's fun to learn new things.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: But more importantly, if you're not learning about each other, you're not growing.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're not growing, you're going to become stagnant.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: And becoming stagnant is really, really challenging for a long-term relationship.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: That's also very common.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: So if you struggle with this one, I suggest that you start trying some new things together.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: Try out a new hobby, go check out a new restaurant and talk about it.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um, maybe go try a new vacation spot you've never been to before, listen to a podcast together, and then share your thoughts with each other about it.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um right now, um, I just started taking some more classes because I'm going through another certification for um to help people that are going through really like specific, challenging circumstances like trying to recover from betrayal, PTSD addiction, and some other very specific circumstances.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I've been watching these classes because it's all online and it's asynchronous, and I've been watching these classes at our dining room table while my husband is playing his video game.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_00: And what has started happening is he's playing his video game, and then something will catch his interest on what I'm listening to, and he'll listen to it, and then he'll interject with something, or he will ask a question.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: And then I hit pause and then we talk about it.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: And it's actually been really, really fun.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: And we've had some really interesting conversations about things that we would probably never talk about otherwise.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why would we be talking about some of this stuff?
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_00: So it's been really fun for me personally to be listening to this and getting his perspective on it because it also gives me a couple of other ways to think about the information that I'm learning.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: So, anyway, we've been having fun with that.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_00: I would really encourage you to look for opportunities to do new things together and to learn about each other and learn new things about each other, right?
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's going to help keep you connected and it's a fantastic way to build more emotional intimacy in your relationship.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: So, to quickly recap, these three powerful questions are why is this so important to you?
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_00: What have I done this week to help my relationship?
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: And what have we learned about each other this past year?
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_00: So these questions invite more understanding, more vulnerability, and growth into your relationship, which is what we all need.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_00: So, my challenge for you this week is to start making these questions just a natural part of your relationship, a natural part of your dialogue and your mindset.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_00: All right, my friends, that is what I have for you this week, and I look forward to talking to you next time.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, if you're at a crossroads in your relationship and you do not know what to do, maybe you're wondering if it can work, maybe you're not even sure if that's what you want.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_00: I have some good news for you.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_00: You do not have to figure this out alone.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_00: I invite you to go check out my 12-week coaching program called Before You Break Up.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: At the end of our time together, you are either going to feel more connected to your partner or spouse, or you're going to have the clarity and the confidence to know that parting ways is the best choice.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_00: So stop what you're doing and go visit kahoskins.com to learn more.