Latest / 4-Freedom Podcast / 87. Freedom in Parenting Pt 2

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87. Freedom in Parenting Pt 2 · 4-Freedom Podcast

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Welcome to the for Freedom podcast.
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This podcast exists to bring the freedom of the gospel for
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everyday Christians, with everyday issue.
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Now, here are your hosts John hollifield and James sacred.
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Welcome back everybody to the for Freedom podcast and we are
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here this week. We talked last week about
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parenting and we're sort of referring back to some things
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that our friend Jim who has a wrote in parenting is more than
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a formula talking about legalistic formulas, within
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parenting. And so we're going to finish
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that talk up today. James, how you doing today
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doing? Well, John, it's been a blessing
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to serve the Lord and be in Ministry where we're at.
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And it's just been Blessing to see.
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My son started baseball, and got the head up.
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Baseball practice. We won our first game of
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football, and I'm coaching a little flight football team in
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my life school. And that's been a blessing, just
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be able to influence some of those kids.
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And there's one guy that I'm been mentoring.
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These last couple of weeks. His dad is an atheist John, he's
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in a Christian school and he he's my quarterback.
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And so I took him to lunch a couple times and it's been great
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just to be able to get to know him and for some of those
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questions that he's had in scripture but also just you know
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as his dad's an atheist he believes that there is no God.
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It doesn't even understand why they're in a Christian School
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and his mom is struggling with some things and it's just been a
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been a great talk. It's been a great time just to
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be able to influence and impact though his life a little bit but
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yeah it's been great. Good deal, good deal going great
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just just working and, and pastoring, and doing that kind
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of stuff, and You work drawn. Yeah.
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And then my son, my son likes to play Mario.
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And we got this old Mario game. So we all get four controllers
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and we just play Mario together. We have four controllers.
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You said we all get 4 controller so I'm just confusing.
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Your word here. Know, we all get control of.
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Everybody has a control. We got four people play.
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You see how work you see how words can sometimes mess up the
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meeting? When you say things like that?
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The in the English which leads us into property?
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2013 6. Well, I was trying to segue jump
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in. Come on I'll travel do like we
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did laughing have a great little second I second.
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Yeah, we left off last week, talking about this and I said I
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was going to Plain this, this passage but Proverbs 22:6 has
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been a very misunderstand. Understood passage that a lot of
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people take as a Surefire promise that your kids are going
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to turn out, right? It says, train up a child in the
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way that he should go. And when he is old, he will not
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depart from it. I think some of the problems
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with this is that the way it's been translated into English.
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But number one, you have to understand what the context is
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in. The context is that it's in the
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Book of Proverbs. And what is Proverbs Proverbs is
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wisdom literature its wisdom. Literature what is wisdom
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literature. You go through the entire Book
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of Proverbs and you see this often wisdom literature comes in
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the form of warnings. It's warning, don't do this,
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don't do this, don't do this. Be careful for this watch out
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for this. You look through the whole Book
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of Proverbs. You see a lot of that.
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It's warnings. What this is is not a promise.
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It's a warning. All right, that you need to
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train up a child in the way that they go.
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All right, so they won't depart From that.
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Now it goes a little bit deeper than that.
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It's not a promise. It's a warning to train up the
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child in the way that they should go it but it goes a
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little bit deeper that I says that train up a child.
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In the way that word way comes from a Hebrew word that actually
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goes back to the root word, is that of your palette and it was
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used in the form of it was used in with in which as nursing
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mothers trying to develop the pallet of their of their infants
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to take their milk. So is trying to develop their
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palate so they could take that. All right?
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So understand that word and that way it is train up a child in
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the way and that that they should go that Hebrew
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construction right there. Is really saying this train them
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up in their way. I love of Chuck.
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Swindoll explains his first he says that it think of it like a
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bent each child has a certain bent or way that they are made.
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We often refer to this to their personality.
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Tea. And what it's saying is, trained
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them up in that way. If you train them up in that
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way, that's the way they will go.
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Now you can use that training to hurt your child.
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You can use the training to bless your child but whatever
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personality or way that they go encourage that train them up.
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And that way, another song that sort of says it like it goes
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along with it is children are like arrows and the hands of a
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mighty man, you know, and you Pull the arrow back and you
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shoot it and there it's gone. You know, you are trying to aim
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that direction that they're going.
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Okay. So it's the first thing you have
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to understand and training your child is paying attention to
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them and learning what their way is.
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What is their little hottie like A good illustration of this.
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John I can recommend Brody a little bit if he's doing
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something wrong and he'll just stand there.
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And look at me Hudson's the same way.
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He's a lot like me. If I reprimand him or if I do
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something, tell him he's wrong. They know they did wrong.
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They just sit there with Jade. And some guys are like this too,
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it's not just because JJ's my daughter if I raise my voice or
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if I say you shouldn't have done that, you know, in the wrong
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tone, she'll break down in tears and run to her room who
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different way. Ways.
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I'm saying the same thing. You shouldn't do that.
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You shouldn't do that birdies at.
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All right? Dad.
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You're right Jade. She's hurt her.
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Her life is broken in that moment.
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And so for me I've got to understand as a parent, how I
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respond to the situations. Maybe, I don't realize my voice.
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It Jade, maybe we have a conversation about those things.
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Birdie understands she just thinks I'm getting mad at her
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and so it is the way that they are.
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It is their personality like you said and it's uh, Straining.
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Their emotions and who they are. Sometimes you may say it to blue
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in the face. I don't understand until you got
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to change the approach of how we parent, how we discipline and in
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certain areas. Well, it's and again, it's
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understanding that they have different personalities and
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working with them where they're at and even that even changes as
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they get older as well. And so that's the idea that's
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coming across as not a promise. It's not saying this is saying
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that, you know, you're going to your it's really along the same
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lines. Is that other verses like
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they're an arrow? You're sending them out, you're
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aiming that. And what direction are you going
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to aim it in and that kind of thing through for any of our
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Mandalorian fans out there. The David did get this or
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Solomon, got this this thought of this is the way from the
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Mandalorian just is the way this is the way.
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All right, so we're going to continue on with some of these
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these notes that we have for this discussion on parenting.
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You know, we talked about these these formulas a lot of times
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when failure does happen within the home, a lot of these places,
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they the failure is blamed on a failure to follow their formula
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or keep their lawn. Which we sort of said, last time
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is very much like this. Well, name it claim.
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It health, wealth Prosperity Gospel.
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If you failed, it's your fault, not our fault.
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But in James mentioned, I think the last time.
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What about Judas? But also what about Kane?
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If they're fat formula, was it there then?
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You know what, kind of how perfect was things when Cain was
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around. All right, God was the one who
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had struck to him and admonished him And what did he do?
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He went out and murdered his brother.
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You know, are we saying that God just totally failed to formula?
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Yeah, and I like how Jim put it here.
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He said he made a statement that said this following, these
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formulas and advocating, a certain formula, put you in what
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he could cause parental determinant determinant of
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determinism. While I was a hard word to get
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out, where it's basically just a belief that, how well you follow
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this formula, is how your kids are going to turn out and it
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what does John what does this turn into what, where does all
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the responsibility and blame put out?
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Don't you it's all focused on me.
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Okay me myself and I I didn't follow the formula know, I
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didn't do this. I didn't all of a sudden you are
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the ultimate soul of authority and everything that happens
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which ality one of the what we said was last week God's
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sovereignty in those children and allowing them to make that
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that choice to follow him or not.
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It falls back on that child to make decisions parents.
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Yes, you have to have the you have to raise your kids, right?
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You have to do what is right but it does not fall.
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All responsibilities not fall directly on you based on how
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your kids turn out. Well, it and take that to the
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off the other ends. Like what happens if they do
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turn out, right? It, you think that it was on
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you, it develops, right? So million copies about how
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great your parenting was exactly.
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Very yeah, exactly. This formula, I did it.
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Look at my kids, had seven only all serve the Lord.
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Now look at me. Look at me.
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Yeah, and it's not about that we're supposed to be.
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Well yeah, we're supposed to be pointing to Christ in the gospel
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and to God, moralistic formulas can.
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Also create kids who are Pharisees with the outside of
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the cup looking clean while the inside of the cup remains
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filthy, you know, I think this can get to the point where a lot
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of people say, you know, James, you talked about this parents
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that it will say, we did this. We did this, we did this and
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they were such a great kid and then, They become an adult and
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they do something and it's like where did that come from?
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I just don't understand. They were always such a good kid
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and what was it? What was going on?
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The outside of the cup was clean?
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While the inside the heart was was black.
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And filthy least Fitzpatrick said this obedience which isn't
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motivated by love for God and His grace is dangerous.
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And so we got to be very young guard that we're not cultivating
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pharisaic 'l children and a fair cycle mindset in our home with
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that one of the things John in. Notice in Israel, I got a
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picture of it somewhere. I may have mentioned it a couple
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weeks ago was when we were riding in Jerusalem there, on
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the mountain side of the Mount of Olives and beside the Eastern
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Gate. There there is a massive great
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Regard the dates back prior to even Jesus's death when he was
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here. So those those grapes would have
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been there. It's the most famous graveside
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in all of the world people. Royalty pay to get buried there
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and all the tombs are above ground.
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They're not underground. Like we're used to.
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And the guy was telling us the history about it and as we're
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riding around, when the guys point out, he said guys look
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over there. He said all those tombs, they
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keep them in Immaculate to awesome, they're white.
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They're clean. They're perfect condition.
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He said the people inside her disgusting, they're dead,
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they're just dead men's bones. He said, it makes me wonder is
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Jesus pointing to those grades over there and say and
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Pharisees. You're like those whitewashed
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tombs, you've kept them perfectly clean on the outside
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so everyone thinks how perfect they are.
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But on the inside you're dead men's bones and it really
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brought that image to life. Because that would have very
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likely been where Jesus was pointing to when he was teaching
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that. And this is this whole thing
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though, this, Paris equal parenting because you begin to
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say look how perfect my kids are.
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When in reality, they're sinful human beings like all of us are
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and they're putting on this facade.
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Just so parents are okay with it.
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Which brings us to this point. Parenting is not about following
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the right book, The Right teacher, the right method or the
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right formula, it's about the gospel.
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Hmm, parenting is about the gospel.
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And so what we want to be concerned about as parenting,
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the gospel with our children and understanding this.
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Can we save our kids? Absolutely not.
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If we can't save our kids, then who are?
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We then depended upon to save our kids The one and only Jesus
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Christ son? Yeah yeah.
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And so then we depend upon him. So therefore, we are dependent
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upon his grace on our children, which causes us to go to him
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more, and be more dependent upon him and to seek his grace, as we
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are working with our children in the hard days and the good days
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and the easy days and in the days that just break our heart
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that we are searching to God and we are leaning on God and His
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grace and not that, we've done the right thing or checking the
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checklist that we did this in our parenting day, they cannot
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be saved by our works and get this.
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They cannot be saved by their works either and they need to
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understand that Yeah. And when they understand they
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that's when they begin to understand.
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They need a savior when they begin to understand that their
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own Good Deeds can't save themselves.
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So John parenting is more about God than you or your own kids.
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This is from Leslie late Leonard.
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Leyland parenting is your highest calling and eight other
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myth that trap us in to worry and guilt.
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And so we're going to give you seven thought Let's hear from
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this that Jim lays out for us and then we'll give you two
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concluding statements John. The first one is parenting is
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about fulfilling God's purposes. Not our agenda, give us some
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thought on that. Well it's about.
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And what do you need to know in order to know God's purposes?
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Well, first of all you need to know God.
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And this is why I think coming back to a theology proper and
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knowing a Theology of God is so important for every Christian,
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but then on top, Of that. Knowing God's purposes is about
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knowing god knowing God's word. And so knowing what God in, you
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know, desires of his people. But when it comes down to it,
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it's not a duty that we're supposed to be working at doing
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all these things. It's a relationship that we do
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these things out of love. We live in obedience, out of
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love, not out of this idea of that we're going to Be pleasing
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more pleasing to God or get more blessing from God or God will
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think better of us. Listen to happened at the cross
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and so filling God's purposes must be born from a heart.
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Of love for God. And we only strengthen our love
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for God. When we truly know who God is,
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Yeah, well, which leads us right into the next one.
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I'm putting God first frees us to better love our children.
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We loved God. We're going to love others.
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Okay. How are they going?
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How are people going to know? How is the world going to know
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that? We are Disciples of Jesus by our
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love for one another. And if we are col only consumed
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about, am I doing again? Well, I said the beginning of
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last week. X.
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Y&z should equal this area. Okay.
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If I'm only consumed about a formula, I'm only consume.
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Making sure these certain Seven, Things Are Done, Right?
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All of a sudden, that's what I'm going to be consumed in my kids
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are never going to know the love that I have for them.
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And I love my kids more than anything in the entire world.
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And so if I am only consumed with some man-made formula or
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some man-made ideology, my kids will never see the love that I
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have for them. And so we put God first and then
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we love our kids as Christ loves us and we emulate that we should
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show them. That we love them
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unconditionally. They make mistakes.
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We make mistakes, we love them. We talk them through it.
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We were there for them. We love them through it.
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Okay, we look at Peter. When Peter denied, Jesus, Peter
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left went back to fishing. He went back to his own ways.
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And what did Jesus do? He came back, he said on the
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seashore and he said, Peter, do you love me, Peter?
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Do you love me? Peter, do you love me?
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Come back to me, come by, I love you as well, come back and
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experience the grace that only I can give the Forgiveness that I
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can give you. And when we begin to parent that
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way, we begin to show that forgiveness and to show love
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towards our kids, we begin to see a holy great work of God in
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our lives. Next, God's parents godparents
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us for Holiness, not happiness, but James, I can't begin to tell
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you how many times I think people get into things and life
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because they think that it's about them being happy or even
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they think that their relationship with God is about
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them being happy. I read somewhere somebody's put
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on their their statement about beliefs and they said.
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Number one, we believe that the purpose for for, man, for all
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All everybody is to be happy. That is not that almost burden.
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The chief end of man is what to glorify God and enjoy him
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forever. It's right.
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And so if you think you're going into marriage, To be happy,
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you're going to the purpose of your marriage is for your
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happiness. You're going to be wildly
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disappointed because it's not. It's to glorify God and the same
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thing with your parenting. If you think that the reason for
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having children is so that'll make you more fulfilled and you
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more happy, you are going to come to Pieces because it will
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not That is just setting up another Idol for you to Worship
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in your heart. That will ultimately disappoint.
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You, the ultimate purpose is to glorify God and that he wants us
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to parent for Holiness not happiness.
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Yeah, this next one is the one that gets me even to this day.
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John, I this is the one that I struggle with deep absolute
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Motion in my parenting because I am, as I said last week, and
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I'll say it again, this week, I am a guy who is numbers and
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formula math driven. I-i'm just that's just the way
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God hardwired me, okay? And so, I love the show The
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Profit. I love watching, Marcus Lemonis
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and he'll come in and he'll correct.
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The Cess to make the product great.
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And I love watching that side of it and so when I evaluate my
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parenting, I want to go through it.
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I want to do the opposite of this because parenting is more
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about people than it is the process.
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And so often we get focused on the process and forget about the
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people and we begin to focus on the nuts and bolts.
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I guess you could say of what to do and how to do it and doing it
20:54
the right way, which I'm not saying Shouldn't do it the right
20:56
way. I'm not saying you shouldn't do
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things decently and in order. But what I'm saying is, when
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we're only focusing on the process, we lose sight of the
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people that are right there in front of us, we lose we get, we
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get this mindset and it happens. A lot of them in business
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culture where everyone is just a number.
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Hey, I'm just number seven. I had a guy that I remember the
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motion just a couple weeks ago. He said I work for XPO Logistics
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and he said no one knows my name.
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He said I'm Number 05, 07 6. He said, when I go, and I check
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in, I don't say, Dan offered here to get his shipment.
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I say, 05 07. 6 is here to get my shipment, they'll look at me
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and say, all right, XP 0, 0, 5 0. 76 your shipments out.
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On number seven. He said, I am just a number to
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them and too often our kids can become a number, and it's just a
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process when they are people. They are there people that God
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sent his son to die for. For that.
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He has shown them the grace that only he can give.
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And yet we treat him as a process.
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Instead of a person, God calls us to be faithful.
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Not successful. And I think this is a big thing
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in Christendom altogether is how we're defining success.
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How are we defining success as measurable numerical metric, big
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size, you know, that's how the world defines success.
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God defines success in faithfulness and obedience.
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And so what? But the problem we don't like
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about that is that it's not measurable.
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We want to be able to gauge success by measuring it.
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Therefore, if we have this amount or this thing happening,
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or this thing going, then therefore we can say this is
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being successful, but that's not how God does it because God's
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measure of success is his faithfulness.
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Yeah. It's like, well how do we know
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we're being more successful today than we were yesterday?
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if we're doing the same thing and we're not seeing any
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different results, And it's like no, this is a marathon, this is
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a walk. And is his his gauge of success.
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What he's called us to do is to be faithful, you know, sometimes
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how we judge this by saying at the end of our life, well done,
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well done thou good and faithful servant and he determines at the
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end and he determines it. Not us.
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Yeah that's that's why I think some parents probably need to
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hear. Like, you know, you need to
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chunk the formula. Just spend some time having fun
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with your kids. Yeah, just let like, and and
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forget the, the, on the time limit.
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Just just, just enjoy them and have fun with them.
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And see that they're having fun, too.
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We must really learn anything. Go ahead, the one of the
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greatest things, right now, John we're building a deck on the
24:04
back of the house and, you know, we're taking up the old deck
24:08
down, put a new one up, bigger better deck and the other day.
24:12
Right before we had started, we were digging some holes and
24:15
getting Things ready and Brody Camp to me that night and he
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said dad, he said can I help you build the deck tomorrow when
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you're out there you know my response was absolutely not.
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You're not a man yet? No I said absolutely son.
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Let's get out there, get you a hammer, get your drill get, get
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a level. Let's go have some fun, let's
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beat some boards together and see what happens.
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And when his face lit up when I said, let's just go hang out and
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have some fun building it because he just wants to spend
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time with that. Yeah, building a bomb Park doing
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things together. Loving life together.
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We must John Dee. As you were saying, we must rely
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upon God, rather than the formulas.
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And then the last thing John, before we give our concluding
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thoughts, our ultimate hope is in God, not our kids.
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Please, please please. Please.
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Please do not allow your children to set up as an idol in
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your heart. Yeah, do not worship at the
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Dollar Tree of your children, do not make your children that they
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place where you worship. So many times, we take a love
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and joy of our kids to an unhealthy place when we set them
25:26
up in the place of God. And and Dethrone your children
25:32
as that place of idolatry and go back to worshipping God.
25:36
Place your hope in God, not whether your kids are going to
25:40
turn out the way that you've deemed as good or, right?
25:43
Or as a reflection on your parenting, on how they turn out.
25:48
Okay, put your hope in God. Yeah, last two thoughts, John
25:54
and we'll finish up today and thank you guys for listening and
25:56
being a part of this episode. The first is, this gospel
26:00
parenting isn't just another formula.
26:04
Once you understand that that it's not okay, the gospel
26:07
parenting is another formula that I'm going to add to my
26:09
toolbox. It is the only way we can pair
26:13
it, our kids is by adding the gospel to our parenting and
26:18
making the gospel, the Center focus of everything we do.
26:22
In our life as a parent of the born-again believer of Jesus
26:26
Christ. And so the awesome.
26:28
Apparently, there's more than that.
26:30
It is the only way, and John Dada cookie cutter way to do it.
26:34
Oh, there's not a cookie cutter way to do it.
26:38
You know, you can get some good tips here.
26:40
You can get some good tips there.
26:42
You know, will recommend a book for you will recommend a couple
26:46
of resources for you, but those aren't going to offer you this
26:49
Surefire. One, two, three steps.
26:51
It's of you do this with your kids and they'll do this, okay?
26:55
It's going to help you arrange your thoughts and your heart in
26:58
a way that you can just love your kids and lead them and
27:03
guide them to Jesus. And then the last thing John,
27:09
God is teaching us to graciously.
27:11
Love our sinful children, just as he loves us.
27:14
God showed us Grace God, commendeth his love toward us in
27:18
that while we were what yet. Sinners Christ died for us.
27:24
Anyways. Yeah.
27:27
Yeah. And sorry, we need to show that
27:30
love to our kids and then point them to Christ, you know, And
27:36
and, and that's what it's about. It's about bringing the gospel
27:39
to our children. It's right.
27:42
It's good. Johnny closing thoughts.
27:45
Well intercept. Today again the the just so you
27:49
know, we didn't say this last time but this book by new
27:52
Heiser, but Jim new Kaiser is about 75 pages.
27:56
I mean it's a short book, it's a small book and it's about 75
27:59
Pages. This worth your time, reading
28:00
that I want to recommend one that I really enjoyed again.
28:05
I actually picked it up looking for a formula, and whenever I
28:08
read it, I was like, this is not giving me the formula.
28:11
Ah, but it was changing me like so much and I thought it was
28:14
fantastic. It's simply called parenting. 12
28:18
gospel principles for raising your children by Paul David
28:22
trip. All right, and it is fantastic
28:25
at rearranging. Your, your, your mentality and
28:29
your heart towards gospel-centered parenting.
28:32
And so I highly recommend that resource when it comes to
28:36
Parenting. There's one by Elites Drink for
28:41
mothers called give them Grace and I will try to link both of
28:45
those in the show notes. But those are two great books
28:49
for that. And then next week, James, tell
28:51
him about next week. Next week, we've got a returning
28:54
guest shot on parole and he is. I did a solo up.
28:59
So with him last year, John was out of the out of the town or
29:03
something. I can't remember what happened.
29:04
He wasn't able to be on here. So Lord willin.
29:06
We're going to have him on here as a guest, and we're going to
29:10
be talking about Helping her teen children.
29:13
He did a seminar teaching lesson 2 years ago in Charlotte at a
29:17
CBC conference. And I have used these notes to
29:21
help other pastors to help parents.
29:24
I don't know how many times since I've heard it so it has
29:26
been a blessing to me. And so I reached out to him and
29:29
his secretary about getting him lined up.
29:32
And so we have him lined up to record and we're going to walk
29:35
through those notes have him. Give some specifics on some
29:38
areas. It's a case study that he's
29:40
actually Currently been counseling.
29:42
I don't know if he still is, but at the time two years ago, he
29:45
was a young girl and some helps that he can give us if we've got
29:50
hurting kids or how we can actually help kids that have
29:55
been hurt. He gives the through some, some
29:57
main areas of how to identify these things.
29:59
So I'm looking forward to it. I love Sean's material.
30:02
I love listening to him. He's a great wise man, much.
30:07
He's wise Beyond his years. I think we're the same age, me
30:09
and John and him were all the same.
30:11
Aah. But I feel like he's just so
30:12
much more wise than I am, which doesn't take a lot, but he's a
30:17
great, great tool and asset for my Ministry that I've really
30:21
enjoyed learning and leaning from him.
30:24
So that's what we're looking at next week.
30:26
Awesome. Awesome.
30:27
And so we thank you guys for listening and and if you got any
30:32
questions or comments just reach out to us but we'll be moving
30:37
on. I think in April were also going
30:38
to try to tackle The subject of anxiety.
30:42
So we're very excited about that but until then to God be the
30:47
glory Sola Deo Gloria. That good grace.
30:54
Found that healing. And the tears fell down my face
30:58
when I found my beginning has no way.
31:21
Thanks for listening to the for Freedom podcast.
31:23
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31:25
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