Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S2 Ep13: Jokes We Can't Stop Laughing At 🤣

Transcript

S2 Ep13: Jokes We Can't Stop Laughing At 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_02: I know I'm becoming an adult finally.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_02: Because now my favorite TV show is Fixer Upper on HGTV.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_02: That's the greatest show of all time.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_02: You guys watch it?
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_02: Chip and Joanna Gaines, Fixer Upper?
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_02: It's a great show, right?
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_02: It's a great show.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_02: Like it's really a beautiful relationship.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_02: Joanna does all the interior decorating and she brings it on furniture, makes the house look amazing, and Chip just hires Mexicans to do everything from.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_02: It's the most symbiotic American relationship ever.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_02: And it's a really nice show.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_02: It's a feel-good show, right?
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_02: It's an aspiring show.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_02: You watch the show and you're like, man, one day, maybe my house could look that nice if I move to Waco, Texas.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_02: If I just give up on my life and move to Waco, Texas, maybe I can have a new open concept kitchen.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know about you guys.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_02: It is expensive where I live in LA.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_02: And I watch the show and I just get frustrated.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_02: Because you get like these like entry-level job having people in Texas, and they're like, Joanna, we're looking for a six-bedroom house on three acres of land, and our budget's$50,000.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_02: I can't even buy a crackhouse in Compton for$50,000.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_02: A Street TV is just basically MTV cribs for adults.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_02: Because when you're 15, you're crazier dreams, you know?
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_02: You watch MTV cribs and you're like, oh man, one day I hope I can have a Lamborghini.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_02: One day I hope I can have a fridge with only Gatorades.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_02: And now you're like 35, your dreams just get a little more realistic.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_02: You're watching HGTV, and you're just like, oh man, one day I wish I could just fix this roof.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_02: Look, I'm I'm doing like fine by any measure, you know.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_02: But I still live in a one-bedroom apartment because that is rent controlled.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_02: And when Asian people, when we find a good deal, we're never letting that go.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_02: That apartment is about to be generational.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_02: It's gonna get passed down my nephew, his kids, and all that.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_02: It's mine now, basically.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_02: I don't want to buy a house.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_02: I live by myself.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm scared of ghosts.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_02: I've seen enough movies to know that ghosts only haunt houses.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_02: Not one bedroom apartments.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_02: I've seen enough Hollywood movies to know that ghosts only haunt rich people's houses in the suburbs, preferably with a newborn baby.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_02: Because they got way too much to lose.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_02: High stakes.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_02: I live by myself, I ain't got nothing to lose.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_02: A ghost come haunt me, I just move.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_02: Worst come to worse, I lose my security deposit.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_02: You know?
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_02: What's a ghost gonna do?
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_02: He's gonna follow me from unit to unit, start knocking on my life fixtures and I'm like, hey dog, go ahead, it's not my mind.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_02: We both get evicted, okay?
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_02: Like, you don't want to be a homeless ghost.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_02: And if you really think about it, what kind of loser ghost haunts an apartment?
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_02: That means that ghost probably died in that apartment.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_02: He didn't even die a homeowner.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_02: I ain't got no respect for that.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_02: He comes home and I just start talking sh.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, hey dog, what's your credit score when you died though?
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_02: Like for real.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_07: What are you doing?
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_07: Put that damn thing away.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_07: We we left out a couple of the new jokes.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_07: I don't care, put the damn thing away.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_07: No, it literally went no yet now.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_07: I don't want to do that.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_07: What?
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_07: No, we knew it.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_07: We did step the put it away.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_07: Don't you flare your nostrils in the asshole?
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_07: I'll take you out right here.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_07: Just listen to me.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_07: Well, we left out a couple of the new jokes.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_07: We did?
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_07: Yeah.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_07: Hang on a second.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_07: Oh, some of this.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_07: Here's a good one right there.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_07: Oh, there's the the dunkadunk chick.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_07: That's you, that was a good one.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_07: Do that one.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_07: Huh?
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_07: Do that one.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_07: No, I don't want to do that one.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_07: Yeah, that's a good one.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_07: I don't care, I don't want to do it.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_07: We rehearsed it.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_07: I don't care.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_07: Wait, look, there's two of us up here that make decisions, and one of us does not want to do it.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_07: Please?
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_07: What?
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_07: Please?
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_07: What the hell is wrong with you?
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_07: What?
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_07: No man says please to another man.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_07: All the girls at your house are getting to you.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_07: You're acting like a chick.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_07: Can you just do this?
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_07: Oh Lord.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_07: What the hell?
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_07: Thank you.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_07: Whatever.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_07: Hey, Jeff, you ever yelled out the wrong name during sex?
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_07: That's not it.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_07: I don't care.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_07: I want to do this.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_07: No, oh, your wife said yeah.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_07: That was a long time ago.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_07: I know she said it was very awkward.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_07: He went.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_07: That is not true.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_07: Still funny as hell.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_07: Let me ask you a question.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_07: I'm very happy for the African Americans that they have the Kwanzaa holiday.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_07: Yeah.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_07: How come there's no all white holidays?
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_07: What?
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_07: Larry Caucasian.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_07: Tonight we'll be having our customary Caucasian dinner, meatloaf and tater tops.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_07: Then we'll be singing our traditional Caucasian songs, Freebird and Margaritasville.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_07: Mary Caucasia.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_07: Hell, you could be the poster child for that holiday.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_07: Can we talk a little bit more about Christmas?
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_07: Whatever.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_07: So, um, what did you get your wife?
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_07: Uh mop.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_07: Well, you take the stick out, hey, it's a wig! Where are you shopping for your wife at the 99 cent store?
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_07: What'd you get your grandson?
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_07: A sponge?
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_07: That's not a toy.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_07: It is when you convince him it's sponge lob.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_07: What did he say to that?
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_07: He said, SpongeBob is not blue with a scour side.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_07: I said, he is when he has an infection.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_07: Keep scrubbing.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_07: Walter, what were some of your favorite toys when you were a kid?
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_07: Oh, nothing like today.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_07: What do you mean?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_07: Well, you know, they got like computer games and all that.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_07: We didn't have that stuff.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_07: No, no.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_07: Hell, if we want to play tennis, we actually went outside and swung a racket.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_07: None of that wheelie crap.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_07: And playing the guitar, there were strings, not freaking colored buttons.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_07: Hello! Yeah.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_07: And there were no shoot-em-up games.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_07: We actually went outside and killed the assholes.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_05: The first hour of being drunk is the best hour of the night.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_05: Because your buzz is fresh.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_05: You're happy, you don't feel fat, you haven't cried yet.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_05: You're still somewhat of the self you were when you were sober.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_05: You still could ostensibly operate heavy machinery if an emergency were to arise.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_05: Okay?
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_05: You're that buzz, you're feeling awesome.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_05: Your synapses haven't been soaked in alcohol, so you're still alert, you're feeling awesome.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_05: You walk into that bar like you own it.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_05: Kick that door open, even though it's a pull-in door.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_05: You don't care.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_05: You're just walking.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_05: Let's do shots, bitch.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_05: You and your awful friends line up at the bar.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_05: You're like, let's do shots.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_05: You're doing shots you have no business doing.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_05: Let's get Jaegermeister, Goldschlager, Rumplements, Aftershock.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_05: Do you have anything else that tastes like Christmas and vomit?
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_05: You start doing them.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_05: You're like, it.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_05: It's my bachelorette 21st birthday, wedding, extravaganza, donkey punch.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_05: I don't know what this is gonna do it.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_05: Shot, shot, what, uh, what's that?
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_05: Hand soap, bubbles.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_05: I don't care.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_05: Awesome.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_05: Now you're on the dance floor, you're like, this is so good.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_05: You're feeling so good, right?
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_05: You're dancing, you're all excited because your buzz is just hit.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_05: You're like, this is great.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_05: Love it.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_05: You're ambitious about life.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_05: You ever plan a workout when you're drunk?
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_05: When you're drunk, you're like, this is when I get in shape.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_05: This is when it starts.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_05: Going to start tomorrow.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_05: You try to drag your friends into it, you're like, Stazy!
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_06: Uh-oh, Stacey.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_05: Do you want to work out?
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_05: You dance like an asshole, by the way.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_05: I don't know who dances like this.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_05: Do you want to work out like tomorrow?
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_05: Do you wanna do that?
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_05: I'm gonna get up early and work out.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_05: Do you wanna go with me?
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_05: Do you wanna go at like six?
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_05: It's five now.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_05: Do you wanna take a spin class?
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_05: Do you wanna spin?
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_05: Do you wanna spin?
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_05: Do you want you don't want to spin?
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_05: You don't wanna go spinning?
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_05: You don't wanna sit on a stationary bike and tolerate getting pounded in the rectum for an hour while some twinked-out spandex queen yells at you over a shitty remix of U2's It's a Beautiful Day and total darkness.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_05: You don't wanna do that?
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_05: So you're feeling good and you're dancing, you're like, I feel so thin, I've never been hotter in my life, I feel so good, and then it hits you.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_04: You're like, oh my god, I feel so good right now.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_04: I feel so awesome and happy.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_04: I wish I could feel this way all the time.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_04: I wish I could feel this buzz and this happy all the time.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_04: And that's when you realize that's how an alcoholic thinks.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_05: But you're like, screw it, I'm gonna give it a shot.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_05: I'm gonna see just how far I can push being drunk.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_05: So you decide to do shots, and you decide these shots aren't gonna get me, because tonight's the night I outsmart the liquor.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_05: Not gonna happen tonight because I'm gonna drink water.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_05: Going to drink a glass of water with each shot.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_05: This is your brilliant idea.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_05: No one in the thousands of years of people imbibing alcohol has ever thought of this.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_05: This is your night, Einstein.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_05: Big plan.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_05: I'm gonna do a shot and then have a glass of water, and then a shot and then a glass of water.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_05: You can't buy me a shot now, but thank you.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_05: I'm just having water.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_05: I'm just having drinking water, but thank you.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_05: Shot and water, but what you don't realize is that five shots in an hour is still five shots in an hour.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_05: You went and drank all that water like a crazy camel.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah, good job.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_05: Now you're bloated and you have to pee.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_05: Way to be.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_05: Because when a girl's gotta pee, everything has to come to a halt.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_05: Every girl's gotta go with her.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_06: I have to pee.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_06: Do you have to pee?
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_06: And you can't go alone.
• 11:52
  unknown: No.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_05: Will you stop what you're doing and come with me?
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_05: I have to pee.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_05: Do you have to pee?
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_05: I have to pee.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_05: You can't go to the bathroom alone.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_05: You might not come back.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_05: Because no girl's ever been to the bathroom alone and survived.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_05: It's true.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_05: The last woman that attempted it, it was 1937.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_05: And her name was Amelia Earhart.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: I live here in LA.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: I hate everyone from LA.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: I think you're dumb.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: You are, because I hate you.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: When I first moved here, none of y'all warned me about a place called Watts, okay?
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all don't say anything.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's super dangerous over there.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know it was to get them.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: I was looking for apartments online.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: Watts was in my price range, right?
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: I was like$40 a month?
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: I can do that.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: That's not a bad deal for a seven-bedroom.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I moved.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's a really bad deal.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: There's a lot of gangsters over there, okay?
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: Are you looking at me?
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: I am not a gangster at all.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: I try to be a gangster, I just can't be one because I'm ticklish, okay?
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: You can't.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: What if the cops patted me down?
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's not gonna work out, all right.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: Gangsters go to jail.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: I can't go to jail.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: I smile too much, I got a big booty.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: That's a bad combination.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: Well, perfect combination.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: I like how some of y'all looking at my booty now.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like I said, you can even lie, though.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: That's cool, man.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: Uh you know what's kind of gangster?
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: I got a motorcycle, that's pretty gangster.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: Uh yeah.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: I don't really like telling people I have a motorcycle, though.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's really annoying because every time I tell someone I have a motorcycle, they always gotta follow up with a story about how the fringe crashed on a motorcycle.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's so annoying.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: Why do people have to be so negative?
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: I don't go up to pregnant women telling them my dad left, you know.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like I let you live your life.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: You know, let me do my thing.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: Super annoying.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: I walked out of my apartment one time, right?
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: My neighbor walked up to me.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: She was like, Oh my god, you got a motorcycle?
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: Are you stars?
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: Are you stars?
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: You better be careful.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: I got in a car wreck the other day.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: My car flipped eight times.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm looking to be alive.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: Blessed.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: She black, by the way.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, your car flipped eight times?
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, it sure did.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: Look at I had airbags, because I'm alive.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: Blessed.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone around me was like, that is crazy.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Your car flipped eight times, you're alive.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: That is, you are blessed.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm over here thinking, who the heck counted, right?
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like, like, who was that combing that cars flipping in the air?
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: Who's doing that?
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: Stupid.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: No, that's a stupid cell phones.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: They're dumb.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's so dumb.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: I so annoy.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like phones are getting too big nowadays.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: They're dumb.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: Every time I swipe down my screen, I feel like I'm playing the prices right.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that's how big my screen is.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, look at this picture.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: I got a picture of a kiddie.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: Look at this.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: Look at this.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: So annoying.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: I gotta hopscotch to text people.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna call you back later.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's annoying.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: You know how tiring it is to get a girl's number?
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's it's exhausting.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: Dang, you fine, girl.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: What's your number?
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: 407.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: Have an asthma attack.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: Side note, ladies, you ever notice every time a black or Spanish dude spit game to you, it looked like when you're using hand sanitizer?
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: You ever notice that?
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yo, let me holler at you for a second, little mama.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: What's your name, girl?
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: What's your name?
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: Stupid, man.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: So I got me as my screensaver on my phone, because I like me.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I like me, shut up.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: So this girl seen it, called me conceited.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, you got you as your screensaver?
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: Are you serious?
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: Stop sad conceited.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: So she's white, by the way.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, how am I conceited?
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because I got a picture of me on my phone.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it's mine.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: How is that conceited?
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: If I put a picture of me on your phone, that's conceited, but it's my phone, I should be able to do what I want.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: Alright?
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: I don't got any kids, I don't got any pets.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: What else is gonna be my screensaver?
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: Some random picture of a lake.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: I can't swim, okay?
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: So I got me as my screensaver, because I like me, okay?
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: I got an iPhone 6S plus 128 gig.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: That's a$940 phone, alright?
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: I paid, my mom paid$940 to do what it wants.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: Stupid, man.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: Being single sucks.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know why people brag about being lonely.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: Uh it's not cool.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: I was single for three years.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I noticed after being single for three years?
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: I noticed the longer I'm single, the lower my standards getting, okay?
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: For real, I was really picking when I first got single.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, she got like this, this.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm like, who needs teeth?
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like you smile with your heart, and that's all that matters.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: I was an ugly kid growing up.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: I was surprisingly ugly.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: Like you couldn't look at me too fast, I'd mess you up.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like that's how ugly I was.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like for age seven to 14, my nickname was that's my name.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't even tell people they knew it.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: I went on a date the other day, I got catfish, and uh, yeah, I know I know what some of y'all think.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: You like black people love catfish.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, nah, not that kind.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: Uh if you don't know what catfish is, it's when you meet someone online, then you meet them in person for real, and you're like, hey, that don't match, okay?
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: You never mustache online, bam.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: And so uh so I met this girl, she's really pretty online.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: She was way out of my leg.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: That's my first clue.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: Then I met her in person.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: She looked like the picture.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: That's not how she catfished me, okay?
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: Uh the way she got me is when she walks, she kind of has a limp, which is cool.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't care if you got a limp when you walk, but I do feel like that's something you should let me know, so I'll be ready.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like put in your profile somewhere.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like, ooh, I love long walks on the beach, but it's hard for me because my leg's jacked up.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: No, let me let me know that your dad is long John Silver.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: And so I met it.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: He's a pirate.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: So I met her at uh this bar downtown, and I went over and I bought her a drink.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: She was fine.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that's how fine she was.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: I normally don't buy women drinks, because I don't drink.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's weird for me to get a water, get a girl in alcohol beverage, like, yeah, yeah, how you like it.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: You know, just baby.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a comedian.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: Bill Cosby's a comedian.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: So I bought her the drink, we're talking, we're having a good time, we're laughing, and the ball rat starts playing music, so I can't hear what she's saying, so I'm like, yo, it's getting louder here.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: Let's go take a walk around the lake.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, all right, let's do it, right?
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like, then she hoped out of a chair and she starts walking out, right?
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know she was limping at first because music was playing.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you know how you walking out the club, you have dancing still like I was like, get it, girl, do the staging leg, right?
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because she was walking like she seen ten dollars on the ground, but she didn't want anyone to know.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, is that$10?
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's mine now.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: About to give me another drink.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: So uh we get out of the club, right?
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, yo, uh, you can stop dancing now, there's no more music playing.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, I'm not dancing.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, well, pick up the money.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: I don't care about it.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's ten dollars.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_00: And then she became my girlfriend.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: So that's how that happened.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I love her.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_00: She broke up with me.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: Uh still love her though.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know why.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I do know why.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: She broke up with me because she didn't like my laugh.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like that's a dumb reason to break up with somebody.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, I don't like your laugh, it's annoying.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, are you serious?
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: That's why you're breaking up with me because you don't like my laugh.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: I don't like walking dead, but I'm still trying to make this work.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: The show with the zombies.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, whatever.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_03: We went on our honeymoon in St.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_03: Lucia, and uh, I had never even heard of St.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_03: Lucia before I booked the trip, it just sounded real fancy.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, ooh, St.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_03: Lucia.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_03: Book it.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_03: Like, I thought it was gonna be these luxurious white sandy beaches and like beautiful clear water, and we landed.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_03: It was actually kind of a little third-world y.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_03: Felt more like a missions trip.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_03: Thought we were gonna build a well before we left.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_03: But it was nice.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_03: And people asked me, like, who's your husband?
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_03: Who is this guy?
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_03: Tell us about him, right?
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_03: Well, it's actually kind of funny because I used to do a joke on my first DVD where I talked about Christian rap music and Christian rappers had like it's so cheesy, like, what you gonna do?
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_03: Bust a cap and the devil?
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_03: Like, what's her name?
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_03: Ludachrist?
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_03: Coming to the stage, Jay Zesus.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_03: Right, like so cheesy.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_03: So, of course, the person who I'd end up marrying is a Christian rapper.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_01: Hello!
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, joke's on me.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, you're funny, Jesus.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_03: And when we first started dating, I was kind of embarrassed to tell my friends and my family, because like I knew I had the joke.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_03: I knew they knew I had the joke, so I was just trying to avoid it.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_03: And my cousin Joe, he's like, who is this guy?
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_03: What does he do?
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, oh, um, he's in a band.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_03: Cool, what does he play?
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_03: Uh play, play, play, play, play.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_03: Um, I don't really know if he's athletic or not.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_03: No, instrument.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, instrument.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_03: When you said play, that can mean like 20 things.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_03: Um, he plays the lyricist.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, it's new.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_03: You probably never heard of that one.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_03: People say my husband looks like Lenny Kravitz.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I'll take it.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_03: Well, white people say he looks like Lenny Kravitz.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_03: Black people say he looks like Maxwell.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_03: So it just depends on what neighborhood you're from.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_03: Any black guy with an afro, he looked like him probably.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_03: But funny thing is, he's not even black, he's Puerto Rican.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, got some Puerto Ricans in San Jose.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_03: Shoot, since when you for coming.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_03: That was a long trek.