Latest / Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute / 61: Discover Your True Values - with Sy Bee

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61: Discover Your True Values - with Sy Bee · Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute

0:00
All right, everybody, we got Part 2 of our episode that we
0:03
started last week with PSY really around emotional based
0:06
decisions versus principal based decisions.
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So just a friendly reminder. The question for you is if your
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emotions LED you into any type of hiding or secrecy, how can
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you trust them to lead you towards truth and recovery?
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So today we're going to be asking and continuing to talk
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about those critical questions. How do I in recovery define my
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values when my emotions can be trusted?
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We're going to talk a little bit about size, experience with how
0:32
he makes decisions, some that he made with emotions and some that
0:37
he made with values. So we're going to dive into that
0:39
with Sigh. Welcome to Beyond the Facade
0:44
podcast. I'm your host, Luke Gordon, and
0:47
I'm thrilled to have you join me in this space today.
0:49
What we're going to be doing is diving deep into the trials and
0:51
triumphs and truths of seeking authenticity.
0:55
Becoming your true self isn't about a single action or a
0:57
moment. It's a relentless pursuit, a
1:00
commitment to self that reveals the rich connection and meaning
1:03
that our life has to offer. So whether this is your first
1:06
time tuning in or you're a regular listener, know this what
1:09
you're building here goes beyond a conversation.
1:12
You're here to challenge, to change and to celebrate the
1:14
incredible journey of becoming your authentic self.
1:18
Because when you dare to show up fully, the rewards are
1:20
immeasurable. So welcome to Beyond the facade.
1:23
Let's get started. All right, everybody, we're back
1:27
here with Psy. You can tell different
1:28
background, different place, all the things excited to continue
1:32
with conversation around emotionally based decisions
1:35
rather than values based decisions.
1:37
So sigh, you said something is lost on, hey, if we talk about
1:41
races, that's a long story for another day, but can we dive
1:45
back into the experiences you've had of of, I don't know, maybe
1:52
giving up on a race because of it was hard versus when it's
1:55
wise and making decisions and making choices not based off
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emotion. Yeah, absolutely.
2:02
So my first 100 mile race, I stopped mall 69, all right.
2:07
And the reason I use 69 all the time is that's the that's the
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distance I went before I stopped.
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I would have stopped earlier, but I had to walk the rest of
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the way to my car. It probably would have had ended
2:18
earlier, but I made the decision to stop earlier than that with
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mall 69. Is that that's why I use it,
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right? I was having issues, bowel
2:27
movements were stopping and. This was your first long race,
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right? Your first 100 mile race.
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The furthest I'd gone before this race was 32.4.
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Yeah, 31.2. Sorry, 50K.
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That'd be it. That was a furthest I'd gone up
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to that point. Let me backtrack.
2:47
This furthest race I'd ran, I did it last month standing race
2:50
where I made it to 49.5 miles. So I had gone a good distance.
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But that last man standing race is a different type of race.
2:59
So there's a lot, it's different.
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That's a different one to explain.
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And that one also, I didn't keep going due to emotions as well.
3:06
Emotionally based decision. I'll I can cover that too.
3:10
This ball 69, like I logically it made sense.
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I had issues going on and I just, yeah, I logically in my
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mind, it made sense if I kept going.
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I have no idea what the health consequences were.
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They couldn't find out. What I really needed was some
3:28
medicine to help out with that. Wait about 20-30 minutes and I
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probably would have been just fine and I could have kept going
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either way. So with that, it was backed up
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with logic. But it really came down to I was
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out at night, middle of the night at 4:00 AM in the middle
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of the mountains in West TX, really cold, even though it was
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March. But when you're, you've burnt
3:54
thousands and thousands of calories and you have very
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little energy in you and you're climbing, going up and down
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mountains and it's cold 4:00 AM and you haven't seen anybody in
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two to three hours, right? You, you start making decisions.
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It's like, do I still keep going?
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What good is going to come out of this?
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I hear that conversation. I hear that question a lot of
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times talking to guys. What good is going to come out
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of having a conversation with my wife about what just came up for
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me? What good is that?
4:29
What good is, is what are your values?
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Who are you going to choose to be OK?
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And if one thing I want to say clear, like what is a value,
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right? A person's principle or standard
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of behavior, very plain and simple, OK, One's judgement.
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So a person's principle or standard of behavior, I think
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it's a very important definition of value, OK?
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Or you can add to it a little bit.
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One's judgement of what is important in life, OK, So in
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that moment of do I share what just really came up for me and
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what good is it if you don't? Do you then are changing your
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principles or standards of honesty, transparency,
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integrity, and you're withholding information that's
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coming up for you? So that's an emotionally based
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decision out of could be fear, could be apathy towards the
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conversation, right. But if you go back to the race,
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and I'm sorry if I jumped back and forth at that time, it was
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like, what goods can you come out of this?
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I'm in the middle of night by myself.
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I probably won't even make the next cut off.
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What was my value? My value is I'm not going to
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quit. I could I hold that I try to
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limp by that. I just don't quit what I start
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and I'll give all the effort I can.
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But I changed that due to the fear of health problems, which
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is a logically sounds very valid.
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But I was in pain. My feet hurt.
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I have never had my feet hurt so bad in my life.
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It hurts so bad to the point I wasn't walking around the next
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day after I got home. So that's an emotionally based
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decision based on pain, fear and I went against my values.
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Now if I hadn't made the cut off and they pulled me out of it, I
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would have had a different feeling towards the race.
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But I still finish the race left and within two hours I was like,
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golly, I could have kept going. There's not much of A worse
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feeling than knowing you just did something you wish you
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wouldn't have done because of an emotionally based decision.
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So do you regret that? I in a way, if I hadn't, I would
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regret it if I hadn't tried again.
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That's powerful, yeah. What?
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So say more, will you? My next race, so I that was
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March. I didn't run another race until
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October and I ran the Arkansas Traveller 100.
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You have a 30 hour cut off. I finished in 28 1/2 hours.
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Greatest feeling I've ever felt in my life and I'm very grateful
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for the things I learned from the first race.
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Yeah. I implemented Imodium, right?
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It makes a huge difference. You got to learn from your
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mistakes. And I implemented a lot of
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watermelon in my diet while running.
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Watermelon. Yeah, watermelon.
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Sure. Like 35 questions, but we'll
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stay away from that. Sugar and hydration at the same
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time, anywhere. OK.
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So I got a question for you there.
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Was there anything else you wanted to share as part of your
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story? No, I just, I went and completed
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a race that I probably wouldn't have finished had I not learned
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from my failure before. OK.
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So I would have regretted it, but I went and reapplied myself.
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There's this thing that I have in recovery that I think was my
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experience, but also I've noticed with others of what are
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my values? How do I know what my values
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are? And people are always like what
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do anything? We talked about this in the Part
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1, but how do I know how to pick my values?
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Because I really want to pick my values based off of motion and I
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don't really trust my emotions. So how can I pick a value?
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Because it might mislead me and I think you talked a little bit
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about it, but what's the problem with emotionally derived values?
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Do you have any thoughts on that?
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I may go down a rabbit hole with this one.
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Look, and I'll use an example of what you're talking about,
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right? Someone who is a people pleaser.
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They want to please people. They do everything to make
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someone happy. And one of their values is
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service. They value serving other people.
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Where's the issue with that? Well, everything they do is to
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please other people. Why are they doing it?
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And that is an important aspect, right?
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I value serving other people, but I'm not a people pleaser and
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there's emotions behind that people pleasing that feed their
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ability to try to make themselves look and be that
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people pleaser because they're scared to look any other way.
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And it's really fear driven rather than caring about others
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driven. So how do you know when I wanted
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to ask a question like this way? But it's probably not the right
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way to ask it. How do you know if you have the
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right value? That, that is a good question.
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Last part, we talked about how it, it could be trial and error.
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A lot of times if we sit down in a time of like calmness and we
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really think through our situations and we especially
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addicts coming out of addiction or someone who's coming out of a
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habit, habitual behavior in which we're trying to change.
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We don't know who we are. And this is one of the first
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things we have to do is work on figuring out who we are.
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And part of that is figuring out the standards or behaviors of
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which we want to live our life by, which is values.
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And we have to figure out how we want to live that way.
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So someone in recovery who has been lying and manipulating
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their whole life and trying to please other people may come
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back and be like, you know, I do value serving other people, but
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I value honesty, integrity and transparency over serving others
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now, because I've spent my whole life trying to serve others, but
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it's been all for my own benefit, not actually serving
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others. And so I might have to change
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what that value actually is to maybe the exact opposite of what
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we've been living and try that out for a while.
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OK, so this is huge. OK, so I put some thought into
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this and let's give this a little bit of a reframe here.
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OK, so if I recognize that I've been asking this question and
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still like, what do I feel like I value?
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Let's reframe this more of I'm going to discover what I value
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rather than reconstruct. And the biggest thing that I've
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noticed is people go into values and choose values based upon
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what other people have told them rather than going through the
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process of discovering what's important to them.
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So they end up living off of other people's values.
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So maybe some questions you could ask yourself is what do I
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want to be true about me? And maybe checking into a little
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bit of when my feelings betrayed me and I made a value decision
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based off of what I thought was a values decision, what I
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learned from it about it, what I actually value and that reframe
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of a discovery rather than it could reconstruct kind of his
12:20
recovery. Who am I?
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What am I all about? And that that really is around
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values. Any thoughts on that side?
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I think you're 100% right. You have a very good use of
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words on that, one of a discovery.
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And that's one thing going back to races I've discovered about
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myself is that I really value going out and finishing what I
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start out to do. And something that I realized
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after working towards accomplishing that, that in
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addiction, I didn't finish many things.
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And I realized that led to a lot of shame.
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And after going out and discovering the fact that I
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value finishing things that I start out to accomplish, it's
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amazing the difference I have felt.
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So discovering is very important because you not only have lived
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a life of living by emotions, and they've all have failed to
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provide a solidified or proper branding for your values, but it
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may seem like they have led you down the wrong path and lied to
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you at the same time. So we may have been lying to
13:43
ourselves our whole lives. Nice for what other people say
13:47
or our emotions. I swear you're like looking at
13:49
my notes. We're going to take a quick
13:51
break for a moment. I want to let you know of some
13:53
things that we have coming up at Choose Recovery Services.
13:57
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register. Let's get back to our episode.
15:01
Let's use your story and I'm going to ask you some questions
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and tell me what comes up for you.
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You go to that. Yeah.
15:06
OK. So I'm going to give you a
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three-part framework or the listeners, those are you here
15:10
with us today, three-part framework for helping you
15:13
identify your values. So first one, look at the
15:16
wreckage. Sigh.
15:16
If you look at the wreckage of your behavior back in the day.
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And then we're and we're getting to a place of identifying values
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like what behaviors LED you to betray or to harm or LED you to
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shame. What are some of those
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behaviors? I'm going to guide you through
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this. So what led me to those
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behaviors? What behaviors led to the
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betrayal, the harm or the personal shame?
15:40
Behaviors led to the betrayal or personal shame.
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The behaviors were pornography, watching, masturbation,
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emotional affairs and lying, manipulating.
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OK. Yeah, just to give a few.
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OK, when you were on the other side of the wreckage, when you
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were looking at all the harm, if you reflect on it, what felt
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like misaligned, what felt like it wasn't actually you when you
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were participating in that behavior, even though it felt
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right in the moment. Is it OK to say all of it?
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Probably ultimately you betrayed yourself, right?
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There was something really important to you and all that,
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right? It felt right in the moment, but
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you were misaligned afterwards. You're like, no, that wasn't me
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so. It felt like a solution to the
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problem I was having and it felt like a relief from whatever was
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coming up at that moment. It could have been boredom, it
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could have been fear, it could have been shame.
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A lot of different things I removed myself from and it
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logically, like Matt, this, my brain was very much trained.
16:57
Hey, this is this. I'll fix the issue quick.
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OK, so let's go to Part 2 of this question.
17:02
So now that you're thinking about, you're reflecting, you
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got the emotion whatever your fell inside around the wreckage
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like OK, what was I doing? And it felt right in the moment,
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but it really I was misaligned afterwards.
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OK, OK, so now look at beneath the behavior.
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What were you really craving? What did you really want Was a
17:20
love, was a respect, was a connection security,
17:23
significance. What was it?
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What were you really longing for?
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You'd friend this really well, Luke.
17:29
What I was looking for, craving for.
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Well, there's quite a bit to it. I could go on for a while, but
17:37
to give the two main ones was love.
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OK. I wanted to feel love and
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appreciate it and I wanted to feel like I was worth something.
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Love and worth something. Love, love and what do you say
17:57
worth something? What does worth something mean
18:00
that you have like I brought? Do you have value?
18:03
Like I had, yeah, like I had value.
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I was providing something that was helpful to other people.
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I was worth something to someone else.
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I was worth something to. And that's not that I'm looking
18:17
to be worth something if someone else, but trying to explain
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this, I wanted to provide worth and value in what I did and
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that's looking back on it moving forward to where I'm at now.
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What that really looks like is I wanted to know I was OK and I
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really wanted to know that I wasn't a piece of crap.
18:53
Yeah. Alright, so let's go ahead and
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give me one of the values you mentioned a couple.
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Give me one of them. One of my values.
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Yeah, just one of the ones that you mentioned, just one of them.
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And let me backtrack this. OK, I wanted to feel OK with
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myself. I want I want to do things that
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are. Like peace with inside of
19:13
myself, yeah. Peace within my side of myself,
19:15
trying to put down my words. Yeah, no, that's great.
19:17
OK, so define that value is the opposite of the survival
19:23
behavior. So I wanted peace once inside
19:26
myself and to be myself. So what?
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How did you survive to get that in very destructive ways?
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What was your survival mechanism to get that peace even though
19:34
you didn't really get it? What were you doing?
19:37
All the things I mentioned before, acting out sexually,
19:41
keeping my mind occupied by other things, Yeah, here's this
19:46
is this was very destructive. I would overcompensate and try
19:51
to do everything around the house.
19:54
I would be quick to wash the dishes, I'd be quick to do
20:00
whatever I was asked to do, and I'd be quick to say I'm sorry.
20:06
OK, so is if I look, I'm going to I'm going to pull one out of
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it. I desire peace within myself and
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what I do it is I had sexual behavior and it gave me a
20:15
mirage, a fake experience with peace with inside of myself.
20:19
OK, it give me a, a version of that that wasn't sustainable.
20:24
OK, that wasn't really peace. So your value showed up, your
20:29
values show up as like an opposite of the survival
20:33
behaviour. So we call this, we call this,
20:36
it's some of my favorite work ever.
20:38
It's values and shadow expression framework.
20:41
Let me give you an example of this.
20:43
But if I value authenticity, OK, the shadow expression, the
20:47
shadow side of this is I seek validation, I'm managing my
20:51
perception. I'm wearing a mask.
20:53
I want to come across as like healed or a good man.
20:57
And I've always in the, I always thought for the longest time, if
21:00
I'm doing that stuff, I don't value authenticity.
21:03
And that's so wrong. That's the reason I do that
21:07
stuff is because I value authenticity is because I, I, I
21:10
value who I am. So I'm putting on a mask to get
21:14
people to see who I am. So that's the shadow side.
21:18
That's the side that I don't want to have take over.
21:20
But if I have that reframe that empowered state, then it becomes
21:24
and I don't need to be perceived as anything.
21:26
I just need to be real and honest in the moment.
21:30
That's that empowered state compared to like that reactive
21:33
state. And that's what I'm thinking of.
21:34
Sigh. I've had the pleasure of having
21:36
a somewhat of a front row seat to your journey.
21:39
You go from a place of wanting to feel peace through acting out
21:43
behavior. It not working and you did.
21:45
You valued peace with himself and then you go on this journey
21:48
of running ultras and you ultimately find yourself in
21:53
that. You get this real sense of self
21:56
through that. So the value never changed,
21:58
right? Anyway, thoughts on that side?
22:01
No. Truthfully, a lot of times I
22:05
think we have our values picked out but we don't know how to
22:12
live by them. We have learned, hey, I do value
22:17
this, but in the moment it feels safer and better to do this
22:24
right. Give you an example.
22:27
I have a really good person who three months sober, feeling
22:30
really good about himself, been going to group for a while and
22:34
he's starting to get things in line, emotionally based.
22:38
Let's start with this. He values family.
22:41
That's one of his values. We'll stop going to group, OK,
22:47
Mainly because the thought in his mind was I want to go home
22:50
and walk with my wife. I want to stay at home and just
22:52
go spend the Sunday evening and I walk with my wife.
22:55
Makes sense. It's a value, like it's a value
22:59
of his, OK. But the understanding there is
23:03
additional value that we need to process everything through
23:07
rather than just the one value, correct?
23:11
Yeah. I like that, yeah, I value
23:13
peace, but at the same time I also value doing something
23:18
really hard. And sometimes when you're doing
23:20
some part, there's not peace. One of his values is also
23:26
recovery, living his recovery life as he's supposed to,
23:30
because without recovery, it doesn't have his family.
23:34
Without recovery, he doesn't have his other values either,
23:37
which is a secure job, which is a job and a career to provide
23:42
for his family. Because acting out takes over
23:44
black. And as he continues to gain
23:47
sobriety, he's better equipped to provide for his family.
23:50
He's better equipped to be present with his family.
23:54
But because he allowed the thought to or the emotion of
23:59
kind of uncomfortability of a group to sway him to do
24:04
something more printable, which isn't a bad choice to spend time
24:08
with his family. So you making decisions have to
24:12
step back and make sure that the choice you make doesn't take
24:16
away from all your top four values.
24:20
And the reason I say 4 is you go more than that.
24:22
You start, they start overlapping anyway.
24:25
Yeah, yeah, There's so much overlap.
24:28
I look at you and your journey and I go, it seems to me from
24:32
the outside looking in that there's a level of peace inside
24:36
of you that exists about self, like relationship with self.
24:39
I'm good with me. I'm not perfect.
24:41
I don't have anything figured out, but I'm good with me.
24:43
That seems to exist. Is that fair to say?
24:46
That is fair to say, yes. So that value has always
24:50
existed. It's just how you went about it.
24:53
And I just keep thinking about you with the running stuff.
24:55
Like it's almost seems counterintuitive to realize that
24:59
what you did to get peace with himself really didn't look like
25:04
it was going to those activities don't look like they're going to
25:08
produce that, but they do that connection to self.
25:12
Absolutely. It's kind of like give you a
25:15
little history. So after D-Day, one of my
25:18
brothers literally told me, Luke, you can't run your way to
25:22
recovery. Oh man, what do you think about
25:26
that? I had another brother tell me,
25:29
hey Psy, you have to do something that you enjoy and you
25:33
can't stop watching sports. These people are telling you
25:36
what you can and can't do right. Yeah, one of the things I've
25:39
learned is going back to what you were asking, right, is
25:48
learning that the perceived route in which to obtain peace
25:55
for a lot of other people is different for everyone.
26:01
For me, I gained peace by doing something hard and knowing that
26:08
I'm OK. I gained peace by knowing that
26:12
go this route, knowing that I have done nothing wrong in the
26:19
most important relationship to me, which is gone.
26:22
And that's one of the most important relationships.
26:25
And if I'm OK there, my wife can get mad at me and we can have a
26:31
hard discussion. But if I've done nothing wrong
26:35
and or rephrase that from not just knowing I'm OK with God,
26:39
but knowing that I haven't done anything else on my values,
26:43
there is peace there. It's not just a value, it's my
26:49
values. And if you can take your time
26:51
and sit back and make decisions based on your values, Not a
26:57
value, but your values, That time in between a thought and an
27:02
action. The more time there is in
27:05
between there, the more likely it is to align with your values.
27:09
Your emotional based decisions tend to be very a lot quicker
27:14
decisions. Yeah, I do want to take a moment
27:18
and maybe give some more examples of I just really like
27:22
this this all right, What's my core value?
27:25
What's my shadow expression, which is a protective slash
27:28
reactive state? And then what's my
27:30
transformational reframe, what's empowered state?
27:32
So let me give you some more examples of these.
27:34
So maybe somebody goes, I don't know if I value integrity, do I
27:39
am value tegrity because I've lied a lot in my life.
27:41
Like I've I've been, I don't know, not perfect.
27:44
I've lacked integrity. So that must mean I don't value
27:47
it, right? So let me tell you what the
27:49
shadow expression or the reactive or protective state is
27:53
of somebody that values integrity, idealism, rigidity,
27:59
harsh self judgement and unrealistic standards.
28:04
Let me just think about that like that actually for me would
28:07
have been hard to see that person values integrity when
28:10
they're idealistic, when there's a lot of self judgement, very
28:14
rigid, unrealistic standards. Integrity is something that's
28:18
important to them. So if it's not the shadow side,
28:21
if it's like the transformational side, that
28:22
empowered state, what does that look like?
28:24
They value integrity, but it's like integrity is not
28:27
perfection. It's really me returning to
28:29
alignment within compassion if I lose my way.
28:32
So it's less rigid. So that's an example with
28:36
integrity. I wanted to share one that has
28:39
to do with one that comes up a lot here, which is do I value
28:44
trust? What does that look like for me?
28:46
Do I value trust in others or in self for others or the process?
28:51
So the shadow expression, the proactive or reactive state is
28:55
that person would control, they would micromanage outcomes, they
28:59
would over function. But that more of transfer
29:02
transformational state, that empowered state is they go OK, I
29:05
can release control. I can trust.
29:08
The strength also means letting go and letting others show up
29:12
for themselves. I can let people not be perfect.
29:15
So that person still values trust.
29:18
There's a couple of a couple of more than I wanted to share
29:20
side. Does anything come up with those
29:22
here in the shadow side and the empowered side?
29:25
I can talk to a lot of that. And you brought up earlier the
29:33
often times the things you do value in addiction and when you
29:37
move into recovery, you discover that, hey, yeah, I actually do
29:41
value, let's say, integrity, right?
29:44
Which if you don't know the definition of integrity is the
29:47
quality of being honest and having strong moral principles
29:52
or moral uprightness, right? The reason I put that in there
29:56
having strong mere principles. No one I have ever met who
30:03
enters recovery value not have. They don't value having not
30:12
strong moral principles. We try to have an issue with
30:14
words on that one. Everybody values having that
30:20
enters recovery values having and straining our principles and
30:27
integrity is part of that. And often times we get lost in
30:32
just knowing how to follow our values.
30:36
And when we talk about the shallow side, that really comes
30:39
down to did you ever actually learn how to have integrity
30:43
grown up, Luke, or you get hit in the rear end with for.
30:46
Lying. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
30:49
We never learned how to overcome our fear of telling the truth
30:55
because of the outcome that might happen.
30:57
We never learned to let go of the outcome.
31:01
And a lot of the times, in my experience, Luke, the reason
31:06
those shadow parts still exist, it's because we never learned
31:12
how to, I love that, address them and approach them.
31:16
And it comes down to education. And part of recovery is
31:20
discovery of how to do things and learning the process of how
31:25
to address hard emotions and how to do the things that quite
31:32
frankly scare us to death, like have an integrity or being
31:37
honest. So that, and I'm talking about
31:41
those shadow side of things, it's I'll go in her child a
31:44
little bit or in her child. If you let a child drive a bus,
31:50
what happens? They wreck.
31:53
Yeah, run. A good thing.
31:54
Not a good thing. Running the bar pit, running
31:57
over the fence, or running the cars.
31:58
You said bar pit. Yeah, I did.
32:01
Which is only like a Idaho, Utah thing, apparently.
32:03
So that happens when you let a kid drive a bus.
32:09
When we're older and we're still letting our inner child drive
32:14
our decisions, what happens? It's the same outcome over and
32:19
over again. Although when we were kids, it
32:21
may have seemed like it worked. We didn't get hurt because when
32:26
you drive a bus and you run over a fence, you're not really going
32:29
to feel much. But that all changes the older
32:33
you get and we start trying to redo the same thing over and
32:37
over again. But we never learned how to
32:39
actually drive the bus. Yeah, but that's a good analogy.
32:44
Did you just come up with that? Came up with a while ago with
32:49
myself, yeah. So there's this.
32:51
Let me give you one more and then let's talk about how to
32:55
maybe invite a different invite you into a different way to to
33:01
discover values. So let me give you one more of
33:03
the shadow side. This one comes up a lot in
33:06
recovery. My value, I value excellence.
33:09
OK, So what does that look like? The shadow side of that
33:11
performance, like performative empathy, I think often urgency,
33:17
like there's some urgency over identification with
33:20
achievements. What I achieve, that's who I am.
33:23
That's that's a shadow expression of that value.
33:26
OK, what's a transformational reframe?
33:28
What's the empowered state with excellence?
33:31
You might be saying something like excellence being more like
33:34
sustained through being present in myself, alignment in thyself,
33:38
not through the hustle or the overachieving.
33:41
So you know, there's a shadow side of it.
33:43
There's a transformational reframe that makes it last a
33:45
while. So the invitation here can be
33:51
build this into daily routines. If there's a discovery, it can
33:55
be intentional where you come back to it often and you check
33:57
in maybe in the morning, which what do I value?
34:00
What's going to happen today if there's a shadow expression, a
34:03
shadow side of it that's driving our behavior, What would that
34:05
be? Here's my favorite part to find
34:08
values. Here's some framework for you.
34:10
Parts work. If you don't know what parts
34:13
work is, I recognize you'd have to do a little bit of research
34:15
here, but we've talked about it a lot.
34:17
Parts work, integration. So start to invite your
34:20
protector parts and protector parts into the conversation.
34:24
So ask what are you trying to protect me from?
34:27
What do you need to feel safe enough to let my core values
34:31
lead? They'll tell you a lot about
34:34
what you value, a lot about what you value, because they're going
34:39
to point in a direction of something that really, really
34:41
matters, and it might be surprising what it ends up
34:45
being. Any other thoughts on this whole
34:47
value conversation say? Yeah, absolutely good way.
34:53
Another way to find out values, you're talking about parts work
34:57
and the protectors coming out. I'll go back to the inner child
35:00
part and kind of talk about one of the things that I realized, a
35:04
great way to learn values. Kids love the rewards.
35:10
They like to recognize the benefit of doing something
35:14
right. One thing I've implemented early
35:18
on in recovery and I tried to implement every once in a while
35:21
is did I do something today that got me out of my comfort zone?
35:26
What emotion was it that tried to stop me?
35:31
How did I feel after doing it? Example.
35:35
This is an extreme example, but jumping off the Cliff into like
35:39
scary as all get up here. Don't know if it's worth it.
35:44
When you jump it feels amazing. Was it worth the junk?
35:48
Absolutely. You got that reward.
35:51
How did it feel afterwards versus before?
35:55
The greatest things in life are on the other side of fear.
35:58
If you make a fear based decision, you get stuck in your
36:01
comfort zone. And a great way to Start
36:06
learning your values is if it's something on a fear doing and
36:11
you do it and it was better on the other side of fear.
36:17
Yeah, it might be worth continuing to make decisions
36:19
like that. For instance, having hard
36:22
conversations with my wife, I feared even talking to her, but
36:27
the more I did, the more I realized the high value talking
36:31
to my wife. But yeah, it points right to it,
36:35
right? What we feel there's the value,
36:37
right? Yeah.
36:40
So here's the invitation. Go discover.
36:43
If you're not familiar with your values, just some discovery,
36:46
check with those projector parts.
36:47
The inner child work like size talking about.
36:51
You don't have to nail it. You don't have to get it right.
36:53
Do some exploratory work. Write down 3 values that you
36:56
lead with and then journal with the shadow side of that is with
37:00
the protector side of that is. And as you go through this is
37:04
about finding self. OK, so I, we're going to start
37:07
to wrap out this conversation. Any other thoughts before we
37:10
wrap it out? Keep doing something
37:13
uncomfortable hard and you'll Start learning how much you can
37:18
actually accomplish, and you might realize you have some
37:23
pretty amazing standards in which you want your life to be
37:27
lived by. Yeah, absolutely.
37:30
OK, Thanks for coming back. We won't do a Part 3 of this one
37:34
side, but hope you come back for another episode in the future.
37:37
Absolutely all. Right, talk to you later,
37:39
everybody. See ya.
37:44
Hey, thanks for joining us today.
37:45
If this is something that you connected with, I'd love to meet
37:48
with you more and talk about it. So what you can do is go to
37:51
chooserecoveryservices.com or check the show notes.
37:54
And there what we can do is set up a quick conversation needs.
37:57
Thanks so much for listening to Beyond the Facade where we
38:00
unmask the authentic self.