Latest / Back Porch Confessions / I Woke Up Prepared to Be the Bigger Person… But Apparently, the Bigger Person Called in Sick!
Transcript
- Gravesb41: Sometimes my soul is just tired, tired of being strong, tired of carrying the heaviness, tired of fighting battles nobody else can see. And maybe you know that kind of tired too. The kind of tired that doesn't come from sleep, the kind of tired that settles deep in your heart, your mind and your spirit, the kind that comes from surviving, enduring, holding it all together and still showing up when your life had tried to take everything out of you. But here's the truth. Being tired does not mean you are weak, it does not mean you are broken, and it does not mean your story is over. At Renewed Mind we talk about the hard things, the hidden heaviness, the silent battles, the trauma, the grief, the healing, and the fight to keep going when your soul feels weary. This is the place where strong people can finally tell the truth, where healing gets honest, where pain is spoken out loud. And where the ones who have spent their whole lives pouring into others can find a space to breathe, be seen, and remember they are worth the battle too because sometimes the healer needs healing. Sometimes the strong ones need somewhere soft to land, and sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is admit you're tired and keep choosing to heal anyway. This is renewed mind, real talk, real pain, real healing. One honest conversation at a time. Back Porch Confessions: If dry mouth has you constantly reaching for water, listen up because I found something you need to know about, and that is the Rayo Oral Pouch Solutions. They're discreet, easy to use, and designed to help keep your mouth feeling comfortably hydrated without constantly sipping water or grabbing for that piece of candy that hoping it'll help. Just tuck a little pouch in the pocket of your jaw and go about your day. There's no mess, no fuss, it's discreet. Just a simple option for dry mouth relief when you need it. So if dry mouth is driving you crazy, check out the OPS Rio Pouches at Oral Pouch Solutions dot com. Your mouth might just be thanking you for it. Moisture where you need it. OPS Rio, Dry Mouth Pouches, wherever life takes you. Gravesb41: Welcome to Back Porch Confessions, where the sweet tea is strong, the stories are stronger, and no topic is too taboo for the porch. Grab a seat, kick off your shoes, and let's get into the kind of conversation your mama warned you about, but you listen anyway. Back Porch Confessions: Hey y'all, welcome back to Back Porch Confessions. I'm your hostess with the most mess, assuredly so. And today I'm going to be talking about something that I know somebody listening is going to need to hear. Because I'm very much talking about things that I go through on a routine basis. Have you ever woken up in the morning, had your coffee or your tea or whatever? And said your prayers and made the conscious decision that today was going to be a good day. You spoke it into existence, right? You told yourself, today I'm choosing peace. Today I am going to practice patience. And today I'm going to extend grace. Today I'm going to be emotionally mature, which a lot of us lack. And today I'm going to be the bigger person, which a lot of us can't do. And then somebody cuts us off. Somebody opens their mouth. And just like that, the bigger person called in sick. Gone. Didn't give a two week notice. Didn't request PTO. Didn't even leave a message for management. Nothing. She just packed her little emotional support bag and left the building. And now you're standing there looking around like, well, she's dizzle. Who's running this operation? Anyway, who is it? Who's running this operation? Because apparently it ain't me. Y'all, I have had some days when I was fully prepared to be that bigger person. I prayed, I read the Bible, I talked to myself, I talked myself through the emotions, and I reminded myself that not everything requires a response. And then somebody came along and tested every single scripture I had read that morning and tapped into every single nerve. Every single one. I'm standing there thinking. Lord I know you said to to turn your cheek. I know you said to turn it the other way. But can we discuss how many cheeks we're working with here? Because I'm running out. Like seriously. By fifty four, I'm running out of cheeks. I I don't know how many more times I can turn my cheek the other direction. Now, before somebody gets nervous, today's episode is not about giving ourselves permission to be cruel or hateful or disrespectful or emotionally irresponsible. No, ma'am, no, sir, that's not what I'm saying. We're not doing that here. But we are going to talk about something that doesn't get discussed nearly enough, in my opinion. What happens when you're always expected to be the bigger person? What happens when you're the one who's always understanding? Always forgiving, always apologizing, always extending grace, and always making allowances for somebody else's behavior, always trying to see things from everybody else's perspective, but somehow nobody ever seems to consider yours. What happens when being the bigger person starts feeling like I don't know, less like emotional maturity and more like emotional abandonment. Do you hear me? Are you hearing me? How many of you are going, yes, amen? That is me? Because honey, there is a difference. And today we are going to figure out what that difference looks like. We're going to talk about why we losed our patience, why certain people seem to know exactly how to push our buttons, and why some of us feel guilty. The minute we finally stand up for ourselves. Yeah, I'm looking at you. Stop feeling guilty. Why resentment builds when we're constantly expected to understand? We're supposed to be understanding. But resentment will build. And somehow we're supposed to remain emotionally mature without allowing people to continually disrespect us, right? We're also going to have a few laughs in this. Because if I don't if I don't laugh, sorry, if I don't laugh at some of the foolishness I've encountered in this lifetime, I might need somebody to come get me. I might need that strait jacket. So grab your coffee, grab your tea, whatever it looks like for you. Grab whatever helps you settle into your favorite chair in the corner, on the porch, in the swing, wherever you're at. listening in the car at work, come sit on the back porch with me for a little while because today we're talking about being the bigger person that called in sick and whether she actually needed to come back to work in the first place. I know. Y'all want to hear this, don't you? I am applauding this episode myself. I'm excited, can you tell? so let me ask you something. When was the last time you walked away from a situation and thought, I am so proud of how I handled that? I'm listening. Now let me ask you another question. When was the last time you walked away from a situation and thought? Well that could have gone better. Maybe you said something you shouldn't have. Maybe your facial expressions showed up before you did and started having conversations without your permission. Maybe your mouth started writing checks your nervous system couldn't cash. Or maybe you didn't say anything at all. Maybe you walked away. And for the first time in your life, you didn't feel guilty about it. That's where we're starting today. Because emotional maturity isn't about being perfect. It's about being aware of what is happening inside of you before it starts controlling what happens around you. Let me say that again. It's about becoming aware. It's awareness of what is happening inside you before it starts controlling what happens around you. And sometimes that awareness begins with admitting, today I'm struggling. Today My patience are thin. Today, I'm emotionally exhausted. And today I may need a little more distance from people who require more grace than I currently have available. Has anybody ever felt that way that's listening? That you might need a little more distance from people who require more grace than you currently have available? That doesn't make you a bad person. Hear me when I tell you that. That does not make you a bad person. It makes you a human being with limits. That's right, a human being with limits. And those limits deserve to be acknowledged. So who decided along the way you had to be the bigger person? Let's talk about this phrase. Be the bigger person. How many times have you heard that throughout your life? Somebody hurts your feelings, be the bigger person. Somebody disrespects you, be the bigger person. Somebody lies about you. Just be the bigger person. Somebody crosses a boundary you've explained 17,000 times. And you're to be the bigger person, right? Somebody acts like they were raised by a pack of emotional unavailable raccoons. Be the bigger person! Honey, at some point I would like to know where are all the smaller people getting their training? Because apparently they're graduating with honors. And now being the bigger person can be a beautiful thing. Don't get me wrong. It can mean choosing not to retaliate. It can mean responding thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively. And it can mean extending grace when someone makes an honest mistake. It can mean you're recognizing that everyone can have disagreements and that not every disagreement requires a battle. But somewhere along the way, many of us were taught that being the bigger person meant accepting behavior that was hurting us. And that is where we need to have a conversation because emotional maturity does not require emotional self-neglect. I'm gonna say that again. Emotional maturity does not require emotional self-neglect. Emotional maturity does not require that. I promise. You can understand why somebody behaves the way they do without accepting the behavior. You can recognize that somebody has experienced trauma without allowing their trauma to become your responsibility. You can love someone deeply without giving them unlimited access to your emotional well-being. And you can forgive somebody without volunteering to experience the same hurt again. Those things can exist together. But many of us weren't taught that. We weren't taught to keep the peace. We weren't. I'm saying that wrong. We were. We were taught to keep the peace. Lord have mercy, help me. We were. Many of us were taught that. We were taught to keep the peace. Y'all gotta love me. Please. So how many times when you were growing up, or even in your teenage years, with even with your friends would tell you when we were teenagers and in high school and stuff, don't make a scene. My children have said it to me. Don't make a scene, mom. Don't upset anybody. Don't be difficult. Don't be dramatic. Don't say something you'll regret. I have said that one a few times to people. I mean, I think it's sage advice. Anyway, but we are raised with that. We are taught these things repeatedly over and over. And while some of that advice has value, we need to ask ourselves something. Who benefits when only one person in a relationship is expected to keep the peace? I can't hear you. I'm waiting. Who benefits? Because if I have to stay quiet so you can remain comfortable, is that peace? Or is that just silence? If I have to continually ignore my own needs so you don't become upset, is that emotional maturity? Or is that people pleasing? yeah, I hear you all in the cars and in your offices going, she's talking about me. That's me. If I have to apologize every time you become uncomfortable with my boundaries, am I being the bigger person? Or am I teaching you that my boundaries are negotiable? I'm gonna let that sit for a minute. If I have to apologize every time you become uncomfortable with my boundaries, am I being the bigger person? Or am I teaching you that my boundaries are negotiable? There is a difference between choosing your battles and believing you're never allowed to have one. There is a difference between extending grace and repeatedly abandoning yourself. And there is a difference between forgiveness and unrestricted access. Let's talk about what being the bigger person should mean. It should mean that I'm responsible for my behavior. I am responsible for the things that I do and say, right? So are you. It should mean that I don't have to become cruel. Because someone else is cruel. You know, those of us who like to say I match energy. It shouldn't mean that I can communicate my feelings without intentionally hurting another person. That's what it should mean. I can communicate my feelings without intentionally hurt intentionally blah hurting another person. It should mean that. It should mean that I can acknowledge my mistake, right? Can you acknowledge your mistakes? Sorry, I can tell my mouth is dry. It shouldn't mean that I'm willing to walk away when a conversation is no longer healthy. What it should mean, what should it not mean? What should it not mean? It should not mean is that I must remain available for mistreatment. It should not mean that. Because sometimes the bigger person doesn't argue. Sometimes the bigger person doesn't explain. Sometimes the bigger person doesn't offer another opportunity. Sometimes the bigger person simply says this is no longer something I am willing to participate in. And then she goes home. makes herself some tea, puts on comfortable clothes, and reminds her own blessed business. And minds her own blessed business. Sorry, I got a phone call. My son is gonna be like, why didn't you answer? And sometimes that is emotional maturity. I'm gonna say that again because it got jumbled up with a phone call. No longer participating. or being willing to participate. And then you walk away from the situation and you do whatever, make make a coffee, get a tea, just go in the other room and read a book, whatever it is, when you walk away from the situation. And you you put on comfortable clothes and you do your own thing and you mind your own business. That is emotional maturity when you disassociate from that and say, I'm no longer participating in that. So in your brains, I want you think about experiences that you've gone through where you've had to make the decision, do I be the bigger person in this or do I not? How many times have I continually been the bigger person in this? And and how many times have I lost my mind in this process? How many times has this person pushed these buttons over and over and over and crossed the boundaries? Sometimes We are expected to apologize or smooth things over when you were the person had been hurt. I was the person who'd been hurt, but I'm expected to smooth it out. I'm expected to apologize. How many of you are relating with me saying that right now? How many of you are saying this is so me? There's a difference between keeping peace and creating a pattern where others avoid accountability. And that happens a lot of times in many relationships, all kinds of ships that we live in. Friendships, workships, relationships, partnerships, all the ships that we can be on. There can be this difference between keeping peace and creating a pattern where our other counterpart can avoid accountability. Why is being the bigger person the thing that we go to on the routine basis? Why does that have to be a thing? So, what happens when your patience run out? What happens when your patience clocks out before you do? So let's talk a little bit about the patience part of all of this. Because patience, patience can be wonderful. I used to pray for it. Don't pray for it. God will give you trials and tribulations until you gain a lot of patience. I don't recommend it. I used to pray for patience and then somebody told me, Well, you're doing that. Patience is admirable. It is. Patience is something we should all practice. But some days my patience has the work ethic of a teenager on their last day before a summer vacation. It is present but it ain't doing nothin'. Have you ever noticed how much harder it is to remain patient when you're already emotionally exhausted? Something that wouldn't normally bother you. Suddenly it feels enormous. Somebody asks you a simple question, and internally you're thinking, Why are we having a meeting about this? Could this have been an email? Could this have been a thought you kept to yourself? Anyway, now here here's what I want you to understand. Your emotional capacity changes, right? It changes based on stress, sleep, physical discomfort, grief, relationship problems, unresolved conflicts, mental exhaustion. And the amount of emotional responsibility you've been carrying, you may have handled a situation beautifully yesterday. And struggle with the exact same thing today. That doesn't necessarily mean you've lost your progress. It may mean your emotional resources are depleted. Imagine that every morning you wake up with an emotional battery. Some mornings the battery is full and charged. You've slept well, you feel connected, you have lots of energy, you're ready to take on the day. And then there are mornings when you wake up at like 12%, and your body is tired, your mind is racing, you've been carrying something emotionally heavy. And before you've even finished your coffee, somebody comes along. needing forty seven percent of your emotional battery. boy. We're gonna have a power outage. I'm just telling you, we're gonna have a power outage. This is why learning to recognize our emotional capacity matters. Because when we ignore our limits, we become more vulnerable to reacting in ways that don't reflect who we want to be. I'm gonna say that again. Because when we ignore our own limits, We become more vulnerable to reacting in ways that don't reflect who we want to be. Let me ask you something else. How many times have you snapped at somebody over something small when the real problem was something much bigger? Maybe you weren't angry about the dishes. Maybe you were angry because you felt unsupported. Maybe you weren't angry about the question. Maybe you were exhausted from having to explain yourself repeatedly. Maybe you weren't angry because somebody interrupted you. Maybe you were angry because you haven't felt heard in months. The small situation becomes the place where all the accumulated frustration finally comes out. Sounds right, right? And suddenly you're arguing about a spoon in the sink when the real issue is ten years of feeling unappreciated. That poor spoon didn't stand a chance. This is why emotional awareness is so important. Instead of simply asking, why am I so angry? Try asking, what have I been carrying? What have I been tolerating? What have I been needing? What have I been afraid to say? And what is this reaction trying to tell me? Your reaction may not always be appropriate for the situation, but the emotion underneath it may still deserve attention. Did you hear that? Your reaction may not always be appropriate. It may be much bigger than than the person on the other side thinks it should be. But the emotion that's underneath it. It it still deserves the attention. Or if this is going to keep happening, you can take responsibility for how you respond while remaining curious about why you feel the way you do. Both matter. Right? In my opinion, both matter. Think about a recent moment when you lost your patience. What happened immediately before it? What had been happening throughout the day? Were you tired? Overwhelmed? Feeling dismissed? Feeling unappreciated? Or carrying unresolved resentment? What might you have needed before that moment? So For instance, I'll I'll I'll say something. So you guys know that Tommy and I have had a a a little bit of a separation and trying to figure things out and resentment that I allowed to build up and things that I've talked about on here and on my TikTok lives. And I and I also have all these autoimmunes that have taken me from the strong person to the person that I am today, that you know, I'm not as physically strong as I once was. And to this day, Tommy will try to do things for me when I really want to do them myself and I get frustrated with that. So it's like that spoon on the counter. It's all the resentment that I have in myself because I'm not the strong person I once was, but also in the fact that he feels like he always needs to do everything for me. And I still want to be able to do things. So there's that clash that happens. And and my patience run run thin. It runs it gets run super thin. my daughter experienced it while we were gone and we'd we just bicker back and forth. And I constantly am saying he just can't help himself. He cannot help himself. I don't want him moving the bag. I knew he was gonna move that back. I knew he was gonna do that. I knew he was gonna change it. It wasn't gonna be good enough for him. He couldn't just leave it well enough alone. If any of you all know me, you know. The way I just spoke that is exactly how I spoke it that day. I did. Mm-hmm. My patience worth in. There's a difference between a single frustrating event and an accumulated emotional overload. That was accumulated emotional overload. It it it can be any of the example examples that you can think of in your head can be from marriage to parenting to friendships, work. These things can happen in any situation. I just talk about the one that I had with Tommy because it's on the forefront. And and I know it's one of the things that I need to work on with myself, but he also needs to listen to my boundaries. Instead of just being the bigger person and letting him just do whatever and and never say anything and feel dismissed and whatever, I need to speak my boundaries, but I need to do it with kindness and not lose my noodle. I'm working on it. I'm a work in progress. Gravesb41: If you're looking for beautiful, meaningful, and custom-made creations that tell a story, Little Butterfly Design and Print is where creativity and compassion come together. Cheryl specializes in personalized designs that celebrate life's most important moments, from custom shirts and prints to heartfelt gifts, memorial pieces and unique creations made just for you. Every design is crafted with intention, care, and a personal touch that you can feel. Whether you're honoring a loved one, supporting a cause, building your brand, or simply want something one of a kind, Cheryl brings your vision to life in a way that feels truly special. Little Butterfly Design and Print isn't just a business. It's a reminder that even the smallest ideas can transform into something beautiful. Support a small business that pours love into every detail. Find Little Butterfly Design and Print by Cheryl A. Harlan online and see how she can create something meaningful just for you. Back Porch Confessions: Anyway, so your nervous system in all of this, it didn't sign up for all of this shiz-dizzle. It really didn't. Now, y'all know I love talking about the nervous system. I probably do it in almost every single live, in conversations I have with people, on my podcast, but the nervous system plays a big role in things. in our entire life. Sometimes what we think is simply an attitude problem is actually a person struggling with emotional regulation. Let's talk about what happens when somebody pushes a button that is connected to an old wound. Have you ever had it happen? You know the button, the one that says you don't matter, you're not important, nobody considers you, you're being rejected, you're not being heard, you're being dismissed, you're going to be abandoned, you're being treated unfairly. When someone touches one of those wounds, your reaction can become much bigger than the immediate situation. Your body may respond before you've had time to fully understand what's happening. And your heart may start racing, your muscles may tense up, your breathing's gonna change, and and you may feel some heat rise, rise up into your chest and into your head. And your thoughts, your thoughts are gonna start racing, they're gonna speed up. And then suddenly you're not simply responding to what somebody just said. You're responding to what your nervous system has learned to associate with that experience. For some people, that response looks like anger. For others, it looks like shutting down. Some people cry, some people freeze. Some people become defensive. And some people immediately start apologizing when they haven't done anything wrong. These are different ways people may respond when you or they feel threatened, overwhelmed, or emotionally unsafe in the moment. Now I want to be careful here. Not every disagreement is a trauma response. Not every unpleasant emotion means your nervous system has entered survival mode. It it's not. An understanding and response doesn't automatically excuse harmful behavior. But when we become aware of our patterns, we gain more choices about what happens next, right? So here's an example. Somebody says something dismissive to you. I that is one of the biggest things that gets my goat. It will trigger me in a New York minute. When you say something that's dismissive, You immediately feel angry. I feel angry. Your mind starts preparing the response. Yes, it does. Indeed it does. You begin rehearsing everything you want to say. It just immediately starts popping, right? And then your imaginary argument is is going so beautifully in your head. You're making points, you're pressing the evidence, you're calling witnesses, you have all the exhibits A through Z. The jury is on your side. And you haven't even opened your mouth yet. But what if you interrupted that process? What if you recognized I'm becoming emotionally activated? What if you recognized I'm becoming emotionally activated? What if you gave yourself that five seconds I've talked about before? Five seconds to breathe. Five seconds to notice your body? Five seconds to recognize the emotion. Five seconds to ask whether your next words are going to help or hurt the situation. That small interpretation can create space between the feeling and the response. It won't magically solve every conflict. But it may help you choose a response that reflects your values rather than your immediate impulse, your knee-jerk reaction. And that matters. Because emotional maturity isn't the absence of anger. It's learning what to do with anger. Sometimes that means speaking up. Sometimes that means asking for clarification. What did you mean by that? This is what it made me feel like. This is what I took from it. I want to make sure that's not what you meant. Or I wanted to make sure it was what you meant. Sometimes that means setting a new boundary. And sometimes that means saying something like, I am not in a place where I can have this conversation productively right now. Have you ever been there? Have you ever been of them the mental mindset that you can simply say, I can't do this right now? I'm not in the place where I can have this conversation and this come out in a good productive way. I I need a minute. I need some time. Can we revisit this later? And then you actually take the time not to punish the other person, you're not stonewalling. Not to make them chase you, you're not trying to get them to come in and and swoop to your feet and and what is it called? Gravel at your feet? No. But you give yourself the opportunity to return to the conversation with greater clarity. You have time to think, you have time to process the emotions, the thoughts, the things, all of it. So here's what I want you to take away from this first part. And that's being the bigger person does not mean never becoming upset. That's not what I'm trying to push in this narrative here. It means learning how to recognize what is happening inside you. It means understanding your limits. It means knowing when you need space, because that's very important. And it means refusing to confuse emotional maturity with emotional abandonment. Because sometimes the bigger person hasn't called in sick. Sometimes, guess what? She's simply exhausted from working overtime in relationships where nobody else is showing up for their shift. Did that ring a bell for anybody? Sometimes you're simply exhausted from working overtime in relationships where nobody else is showing up for their shift. And honey, let me tell you, that makes a huge difference in how our relationship is going to work out, whatever shift that is. The next portion of this, I want to talk about the bigger person is tired of working overtime. How many of you feel like you're sometimes tired of working overtime? You're sitting there going, how did I become the designated adult in this? Who made that rule? Let's talk about something that I think a lot of women are going to understand. Have you ever looked around at the people in your life and wondered, when did I become everybody's designated adult? When did I become the person who has to understand everybody? When did I become the person who has to fix everything? When did I become the one who has to apologize first? When did I become the one who has to make everybody comfortable? And most importantly, Where is my paycheck? Because if I'm running this emotional daycare, somebody owes me a salary. I and there's several of my friends on here. They all need a salary too. All joking aside though, this can become a very real problem in relationships. Sometimes one person takes on the majority of the emotional responsibility. They initiate the difficult conversations. They notice when something is wrong. They try to repair conflict. They apologize. They make accommodations. They remember everybody's needs. They anticipate everybody's reactions. And eventually they become what? What do you become? Exhausted. Not necessarily because you don't love the people around you. They don't love the people around them. It's because they are carrying a responsibility that should be shared. A healthy relationship does not require both people to have identical emotional skills. It's not what I'm saying. But it does require a willingness to participate, a willingness to listen without deflect, a willingness to take accountability. Axe is laying on my legs. A willingness, you know, to consider the other person's experience in this, in any situation. A willingness to repair harm. One person cannot create a mutually healthy relationship through effort alone. I want to say that again. Because I think a lot of you need to hear it. And I hope some of you listening comprehend it. One person, one person cannot create a mutually healthy relationship through effort alone. You can improve your communication. You can work on your reactions. You can become more patient. You can learn to express your needs, but you cannot do another person's emotional work for them. You cannot do another person's emotional work for them. And sometimes we become so focused on being the bigger person that we accidentally become the only person doing the work. Because somewhere along the line, you know, we tell ourselves, maybe if I explain it differently, maybe if I'm just more patient, maybe if I choose better words, maybe if I wait until they're in a better mood, maybe if I stop bringing it up, maybe if I just love them harder. And before long, we've turned somebody else's responsibility into our Full time occupation. And hunt I am not applying for another job. Mm-mm. No, ma'am. No. I've I've already have enough going on. And so do you. You already have enough going on. You don't need another occupation. Here is a question worth considering them, in my opinion. Are you being asked to be the bigger person? Or are you being asked to be the only person willing to take accountability? that one stings. Those are not the same thing. And recognizing that difference between the two can change the way you approach your relationships. Shared responsibility in relationships brings genuine repair. Right? Do you agree? Shared responsibility in relationships bring genuine repair. When being understanding becomes self abandonment That's a big problem. And sometimes that what that's what we do with ourselves in this. How many times have you said to yourself, or have you said, It's okay, I understand. I've said this a lot to you guys lately. I probably have. Because we do it so much in our lives. They have a lot going on. They're under stress. They didn't mean it. That's just how they are. We give them every excuse the book. I don't want to make things worse. I'll just let it go. How many of you are feeling like I'm pointing at you and talking to you? Sometimes those statements are absolutely appropriate. People do make mistakes. People have difficult seasons. People do deserve grace. But what happens when understanding becomes your automatic response to everything? Even the things that are hurting you. What happens when you are so busy understanding everybody else's behavior that you stop acknowledging your own experience? You become understanding to the point of disappearing. Did you hear that? You become understanding to the point of disappearing. How many of you are sitting there going, I've disappeared? Your needs disappear, your preferences disappear, your feelings disappear, your boundaries disappear, and eventually you may begin to resent the very people you've been trying so hard to accommodate. Not because kindness is wrong, but because kindness without boundaries can become unsustainable. This is the point that I keep trying to drive home to my followers and to my listeners. Boundaries can become unsustain unsustainable. If they're not set and held in place. Let's talk about this people pleasing that we do with this. People pleasing is not simply being a nice person. It can involve prioritizing other people's approval or comfort at the expense of our own needs, values, or well being. For some people, this pattern developed early in life. Maybe they learned that being agreeable helped prevent conflict. Maybe you learned that expressing needs resulted in criticism. Maybe they learned that love felt more secure when they were useful. Maybe you learned that being the easy child, the helpful child, or the responsible child earned more approval. And now as adults they find themselves doing the same thing. Becoming understanding, becoming accommodating, being available, being the bigger person, even when it hurts. And when they finally say no, the guilt comes rushing in. The shame of saying no. They begin questioning themselves. You begin questioning yourself. Was I too harsh? I being selfish? gosh, I was being so selfish. That was really all about me, wasn't it? Should have I just let it go? Should I I probably should just let it go? I should just let it go. It's just maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe, maybe I should go apologize. Maybe I should apologize. But here's something I want you to consider in all of this. When you start feeling those ways, guilt does not automatically mean you did something wrong. Remember that. Remember that. Please. Guilt. Does not automatically mean you did something wrong. Sometimes guilt shows up because you're doing something unfamiliar. If you spent your entire life making other people comfortable, setting a boundary may feel uncomfortable, even when the boundary is reasonable. That discomfort doesn't necessarily mean you should abandon it. It may mean you're learning a new way of relating to people. You're allowed to have needs. You're allowed to have preferences, right? You're allowed to disagree and be disappointed, allowed to say no. You're allowed to stop explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding your boundaries, who are destined to not understand you. They refuse to understand you. Now let me add something important to this. Not everybody will who disagrees with your boundary is intentionally disrespecting you. Not everybody is. Sometimes people just need clarification. Sometimes you need to get clarification before you jump off into that. Thinking they're disrespecting you. Sometimes expectations haven't been communicated. Sometimes people have legitimate needs that conflict, right? Tommy has the need to be the hero to do everything, and I have the need to still be able to be a strong, independent woman doing my own thing too. I don't need him to do everything for me. So we both have a need that creates a conflict. Where's the happy medium in that? We gotta find it. We gotta figure this out. Healthy boundaries still require communication, flexibility, and respect for other people's autonomy. But you don't have to sacrifice yourself simply to prevent somebody else from experiencing discomfort. How many people that are listening to that? How many of you do that? Ask yourself, where in my life have I confused being understanding with being unavailable to myself? Where have I repeatedly said yes when I wanted to say no? Where have I made excuses for behavior? That continues to hurt me. I went through an entire relationship that way. Just a couple of them. What could change if I began considering my own needs with the same compassion I extended to everybody else? Sometimes agree examples of these types of things that we'll do is is agreeing to family obligations or ex overextending ourselves to friends, accepting somebody's repeated cancellations on us, and and taking responsibility for other adults' emotions. I want you to check in with yourself. I want everybody to check in with yourself. How many of you take on the responsibility of somebody else's emotions? What is what is resentment to you? I want you to think about that for a minute. What is resentment to you? I want to talk about resentment again for a moment because I know I haven't recent TikTok lives in I think a couple of my last podcasts. Because resentment has a way of sneaking into our lives. It doesn't always arrive with a dramatic announcement. Sometimes it starts with a small disappointment, something you let go, then another, and then another. And you tell yourself it's not worth mentioning. You don't want to argue, you don't want to seem demanding. You don't want to hurt somebody's feelings. So you just keep swallowing your own and eventually you are full. Right? And you have emotionally eaten the entire buffet and there's no room left. You are filled to the brim. And now somebody asks you to do one little thing. One tiny little thing. And suddenly you're ready to deliver a forty five minute presentation about every single time you've been taken for granted since nineteen ninety seven. with visual aids. Is that ringing a bell for anybody? Resentment often develops when we experience repeated hurt, unfairness, unmet needs, and even perceived imbalance in relationships. It can also build when we don't communicate our limits and then become angry that others haven't recognized them. There's that That silent contract the other person doesn't know is it is in existence. There's an important distinction. Sometimes somebody is genuinely disregarding a need we've clearly expressed. Other times we may be expecting someone to recognize a need we haven't communicated. Both situations deserve attention, but they may require different responses. Maggie's going for a walk, can you all tell? If I if I haven't told you what I need, I may need to communicate more clearly. If I have told you repeatedly and the behavior continues, well, I I may need to reconsider my expectations and boundaries or a level of involvement with said person, right? What I cannot do is independently. decide on my own without further clarification. that I can't I don't need the involvement. You need to take the time to get the ex additional clarification. If if you've gone through and repeated yourself and they keep dismissing you, then no, you don't. But right now, at this point, say we we are unsure what they mean, it's okay to stop and have that clarification before we we step back on our level of involvement. I just want to put that caveat in there. Another thing we cannot do, and we can't do it indefinitely, is keep participating in a pattern that hurts you, hurts ourselves, right? While hoping that our resentment will somehow make the other person understand. It doesn't work that way. Resentment is not communication. Silence is not communication. No stonewalling. And expecting somebody to read our minds? Well, that is not a reliable relationship strategy. But we all do it. How many times do you expect somebody to read your mind? Now I know sometimes you think they should know. We have a whole podcast on that. Yes, there are certain basic expectations of kindness, honesty, and respect that should not require a PowerPoint presentation. Yes. But specific needs and preferences often do not require conversations. We need to learn the difference, and we need to stop treating everyone or every uncomfortable conversation as a threat to. The relationship. Sometimes the conversation is exactly what the relationship needs. Here's something else. Resentment can become a signal. It can be that red flag, that flashing red light, a signal that something needs attention. Maybe you need a boundary. Maybe you need to rest. Maybe you need to communicate a need. Which lot of us fail to do. Maybe you need to stop volunteering for responsibilities you don't actually want. Maybe you need to acknowledge that a relationship has become one-sided. Or maybe you need to to grieve the reality that someone may not be willing or able to give you what you've been hoping for. That relationship just isn't gonna work. That last one can be painful. Heart wrenchingly painful, no matter what ship you're on. Because sometimes we remain resentful not only about what somebody is doing, but about who they have not become. or remained. We keep hoping, waiting, explaining This is the person we're missing. This is the person you made me think you were. Believing that if we are patient enough, understanding enough, and loving enough, something will finally change. And sometimes it does, and sometimes it doesn't. And when it doesn't, we have to decide what we are going to do with that information. Not how to force somebody to change. You can't, no matter how hard you try or want it, you cannot force somebody to change. Not how to make them understand. But how we are going to care for ourselves in the reality we are actually living in. Gravesb41: Y'all, let me tell you about one of my favorite little gyms back home in Robinson, Illinois. If you're looking for boutique style that feels good, fits right, and doesn't break the bank, you have to stop by Polished Boutique, owned by my sweet friend, Mindy, and her two friends, Jennifer and Valerie. And it's ran with heart, y'all. Polished is one of those places where you're not just shopping, you're family. From on-trend outfits, cozy everyday staples, statement accessories, and deals that make your wallet smile, Polished has something for every woman, every season of life. So if you're anywhere near Robinson, Illinois, go see Mindy and her girls at Polished Boutique. Tell them Back porch confession sent you. And don't be surprised if you leave feeling a little more confident than when you walked in. Polished Boutique, where style meets heart. Back Porch Confessions: Sometimes we need to to connect resentment to the question of how long can you go on being considerate without being considered? My last podcast. How does unspoken expectations, repeated disappointment, and unmet needs accumulate? Go back and listen to the to that podcast if you haven't listened to it already. You know, w th we run into the people in our lives too that they just They just know what buttons to push. Which button to push just exactly when and where to push that button. Have you ever had somebody in your life who seems to know exactly how to get a reaction out of you? My husband does. he certainly does. I mean, they know the button. They know where it's located. They know what it does. And they walk right up to it like they're trying to win a prize at the county fair. Ding ding ding. We have a winner. Now not every person who upsets us is deliberately trying to provoke us. Sometimes people are unaware. Sometimes they communicate poorly. Sometimes they have their own emotional difficulties and baggage. Sometimes two people simply have incompatible expectations. But there are situations where someone repeatedly engages in behavior that appears designed to provoke a reaction. And when that happens, it can become very tempting to participate. I've been there, I've done it. You want to defend yourself. You want to correct the record. You want to explain why they're wrong. You want them to understand what they've done. And you are darn right down and ready to go to push that point. And sometimes you want to say something so perfectly devastating that they spend the next three business days thinking about it. I know I've done it. I've done it recently. But here's the question. What happens after you get the reaction out? Do you feel better? Honestly? Maybe for a second or two? Does the problem get resolved? Does the relationship improve? No. It gets worse. Or or do you end up feeling emotionally drained, embarrassed, and or even misunderstood more? This is where we need to talk about the difference between responding and reacting. A reaction is often immediate, right? Knee-jerk reaction. It may be driven by anger, fear, shame, even the urge to defend ourselves. A response involves creating enough space to consider what we actually want to accomplish. And Sometimes the most powerful response is refusing to participate in an unproductive exchange. I must say that again. Sometimes the most powerful response is refusing to participate in an unproductive exchange. You don't have to answer every accusation. You don't have to defend yourself against every interpretation. You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to. And you certainly don't have to prove your emotional maturity by remaining in a conversation that has become disrespectful. You can simply say, I'm willing to discuss this when we can both speak respectfully. I am not going to continue this conversation while you're insulting each other, while we're insulting each other. I need some time before responding. You can even say, I understand that. You disagree with me. you can even stand your ground and say, I'm not changing my decision. Those are responses. They're not attacks. They're not punishments. They're not attempts to control another person. They're statements about your own participation. And that is an important part of healthy boundaries. You cannot control whether another person becomes upset, right? But you can decide whether you continue participating in an exchange that is harming you. So in this section, this part, we've we've talked about being the bigger person doesn't mean doing everybody's emotional work, right? Being understanding does not mean abandoning yourself. Resentment deserves attention before it becomes an explosion. And not every attempt to provoke you requires your participation. And sometimes the biggest change you can make is to stop confusing your ability to tolerate something with your obligation to continue tolerating it. Whew. This is this is the next part, is where we're gonna wrap it up, or I'm gonna wrap it up because I know this is a long one. but I'm gonna be talking about what happens when the bigger person comes back from sick leave because she's returning with boundaries, and management has made a new few new policies, and we need to learn to do this as adults. Yeah. We need to return with boundaries and not people pleasing. You can be kind and still be done with a situation. Let's talk about that a little bit. That can be incredibly difficult for people who have spent their lives trying to be understanding. You can be kind and still be done. You can wish someone well and still recognize that the relationship is not healthy for you. You can love someone and still need distance. You can forgive someone and still have boundaries. You can understand someone's history and still hold them accountable for their behavior. A lot of us refuse to do that. And you can choose peace without pretending that everything is okay. Some of us were taught that kindness means remaining unavailable. Remaining available. Look, I want to be unavailable. So I keep talking it up. some of us were taught that kindness means remaining available. Lord bless me. That forgiveness means reconciliation, that compassion means unlimited patience. But those things are not interchangeable. Forgiveness is not the same as trust. Trust is not the same as access. And reconciliation is not something one person can accomplish alone. I'm gonna say it for the people in the back. Reconciliation is not something one person can accomplish alone. But we still try, and so many marriages do it. Reconciliation generally requires a willingness to acknowledge harm, take responsibility, rebuild trust, and change behavior. Actually change behavior and keep the behavior changed. Not just long enough to reel the person back in. But you cannot force that process and you cannot complete it on somebody else's behalf. And let me say something else with this. Being done doesn't always mean ending a relationship. Sometimes it means being done with a particular pattern. Tommy's home. You may decide that you're no longer willing to have a conversation that involve yelling. You may decide that you're no longer going to lend money, you cannot afford to lose. You may decide that you're no longer going to cancel your plans every time somebody else has a last minute need. And you may decide that you're no longer going to explain the same boundary repeatedly. Or you may decide that. You need more distance from a relationship altogether. The appropriate decision depends on the circumstances, your safety, your responsibilities, and then the nature of the relationship. But the principle remains the same. You are allowed to consider your own well-being when deciding how much access someone has to your life. You are allowed to consider your own well being when deciding how much access someone else has to your life. And here's where people pleasers often struggle. They worry about setting boundaries. that makes them mean. They feel like they're being mean. So they refuse to set the boundary. They worry that saying no makes them selfish. they worry that choosing distance means they have failed. Excuse all the dog noise. Evidently they're coming back down the hallway. For the love of Jesus. sorry. They worry that choosing distance means they have failed to love someone properly. But kindness does not require unlimited availability. It just doesn't. And love doesn't require the absence of boundaries. In fact, boundaries can sometimes make healthier relationships possible because they clarify what each person can reasonably expect from one another. Right? So when we get practical on this subject, because there are there are going to be days when you are not your best your best self. I have days, many days that I'm not my best self. Days when I'm overwhelmed. You're gonna have days when you're overwhelmed, frustrated. you know, have something that you regret that you said, days when you react before you think. Days when your patience has apparently relocated to another zip code. And mine gets there often. And on those days, we need to know how to recover, right? Not how to pretend it didn't happen, not how to justify everything we said, but how to take responsibility without turning on difficult, one difficult moment into a judgment about our entire character. Let me say that again, because I paused in that. Let me bring catch up brain catch up to what I was trying to say. How how to take responsibility without turning one difficult moment into a judgment about our entire character? How many of you feel like that's something you do to yourself? I clapped my hands because he was incessively licking his paw. Here's what I want you to practice. Patience that I currently do not have. first I want you to recognize the moment. My moment currently is the chaos that happens in my house. Drives me crazy sometimes. Notice when you're becoming overwhelmed. Currently overwhelmed, as you can see and hear. Pay attention to your body. I'm holding my breath. My body feels rigid. I'm ready to you know. Yep. So and then you notice your thoughts. I wish he would quit licking his paw. Notice the urge to interrupt, defend, accuse, or withdraw right here. I'm I'm ready to interrupt him. You may not always recognize it immediately, and that's okay. Awareness improves with patience. Second, I want you to try to to incorporate space, create space. Take a breath. Uncle your jaw. Relax your shoulders if you can. Put your feet on the floor, on the ground, wherever you're at. Give yourself a moment before speaking. If necessary, ask for a break. Just step away for a minute if you can. And third, I want you to identify the real issue. Ask yourself, what am I actually upset about? What happened? What meaning am I attaching to it? Am I responding to this moment or is something older being activated here? What do I need in this moment? And then fourth, I want you to choose your response. Do I need to communicate? Do I need clarification? Do I need a boundary? Do I just need some rest? Do I need to walk away? Or do I need to acknowledge that this particular situation isn't worth the emotional energy I'm about to spend on it? And number five, repair when necessary. If you've said something hurtful, acknowledge it. Be an adult. Say, I probably shouldn't have said it that way. If you reacted unfairly, take responsibility. I overreacted. If you misunderstood someone, be willing to reconsider. Look at it a different way. And if your response was reasonable, but the other person didn't like it. Recognize that discomfort alone does not mean you owe an apology. I'm going to say that again. If your response was reasonable, but the other person didn't like it, you need to recognize that discomfort in that alone does not mean you owe them an apology. You don't owe an apology in that. And that last part is very important. Because some of us apologize simply because another person is upset. My people do it all the time. I'm sorry this, I'm sorry that why? What are you sorry for? An apology should acknowledge something we actually need to take responsibility for. Not simply the fact that somebody didn't get the answer they wanted, didn't like something, or something is unhappy, some some situation could possibly be feeling uncomfortable. Instead of saying, I'm sorry, I got upset, I guess I shouldn't have said anything. You might want to try some something along the lines of, I'm sorry, I raised my voice. I want to discuss what happened because my feelings still matter. But I want to do it respectfully. That's taking accountability. Did you hear the difference? You're taking responsibility for your behavior without abandoning the issue that needs attention. That's emotional maturity, not perfection, not silence, not self-blaming, but accountability. Account accountability. There's so many conflicts that can happen in that situation. Practice using those five steps. Pause this, rewind it, write them down. I promise you. You will not regret trying to incorporate those steps into those heated moments that you have this thing. The straw that broke the camel's back. But there's been two months, three months, two weeks, five conversations, ten years of pain, whatever, that have accumulated, and your big explosive disagreement and disrespectful behavior at that time is not over that little spoon on the counter. It's about the years of resentment that have built up. Here's something else I want you to think about before I go with all this. What if the bigger person didn't actually call in sick? What if they were just exhausted? What if they've been working overtime? What if they'd been carrying too much? What if he or she'd been carrying and trying to be patient with everybody except themselves? What if they needed just some rest? And what if the answer wasn't to demand that they get back to work? What if the answer was to ask why had they been carrying so much in the first place? We live in a world that often celebrates people who can handle everything. Wear it like a badge, right? The strong ones, the dependable ones, the ones who never complain, the ones who always show up, the ones who take care of everybody and everything else. Sometimes people who appear strongest are the people who have become very skilled at hiding their exhaustion. They keep functioning, they keep helping, they keep showing up, they keep saying, I'm fine. And then one day something small happens and they realize they are not fine. They're tired. They're overwhelmed. They're resentful. They've disconnected from themselves. That was me when I left last year. And they don't know how to ask for what they need because they've spent so long being the person everybody else needed. If that's you, I want you to hear something. You do not have to wait until you're completely depleted to deserve rest. And you do not have to prove that you are struggling enough. And you do not have to justify every moment you spend taking care of yourself. You most certainly do not have to remain available simply because people have become unaccustomed. Not unaccustomed, but accustomed to your availability. You can rest. You can step away. You can ask for help. You can say, I don't have the capacity for this today. And it's okay. And you can say, I care about you, but I need some time for myself. That's okay. And you can say I cannot take that response responsibility on right now. You don't have to take that additional volunteering as a mom. You don't have to take that additional task on because the hubs wants to go do this or that. You don't have to. And you can simply say, I need support too. It's okay to ask for support too. What happens when people are surprised by your boundaries? What happens? You see, because sometimes when you've spent years being endlessly accommodating, the first time you stop can feel like a major change to people around you. They get confused, disappointed, they start asking questions. They are gonna resist the change. That doesn't automatically mean they're bad people, but it does mean you may need to tolerate the discomfort of changing. an established pattern. You can listen to their concerns without immediately abandoning your needs. And you can be compassionate without reversing your decision. And you can allow someone to have feelings about your boundary without taking responsibility for eliminating those feelings. I promise it's going to be okay. So apparently the bigger person has returned from sick leave. This is where I need you guys to to to pay attention to what I'm saying. And when she came back, she got this this whole new employee handbook. Because we are no longer running this emotional establishment without some policies. And so many of us have done that. I did it. I did it when I came back. He had his, I've got mine. So one of the policies you need to implement is I will not confuse being kind with being endlessly available. Policy number two, I want you to take on is I will not take responsibility for my behavior without taking responsibility for everybody else's. I will take responsibility for my behavior without taking responsibility for everybody else's. Number three, I will communicate my needs instead of expecting people to read my mind. That's a big one. Quit expecting people to read your mind. Policy number four, I will pay attention when resentment tells me. Something needs to change. Policy number five, I will not use boundaries as punishment, but I will use them to protect my well-being. Policy number six, I will not assume every disagreement is disrespect. But I will also not pretend repeated disrespect is simply a disagreement. That's important. Policy number seven. I will give myself permission to pause before responding. Policy number eight, I will apologize when I have caused harm, but I will not apologize simply because someone is uncomfortable with my reasonable decision. Policy number nine. I will remember that forgiveness, trust, reconciliation are different processes. Policy number ten, I will stop measuring my emotional maturity by how much mistreatment I can tolerate. And finally, Policy number eleven. When the bigger person calls in sick, I will not send the petty person to cover her shift. Do not send the petty person. Because that woman does not need the overtime. Now here's the truth. You're going to have days when you get this right. You're going to have days when you don't get this right. There will be conversations you will handle beautifully, and then there will be conversations you wish you could rewind. And there will be moments when you choose patience and moments when you realize you need to practice a little more. But growth isn't measured by never making mistakes. Growth is reflected in your willingness to recognize patterns, take responsibility, learn, and make different choices. You are allowed to be a work in progress. You are allowed to learn. You are allowed to change. And you are allowed to become a version of yourself who is both compassionate, empathetic, and appropriately protective. Of your own well being. So before I close this out today, I want to ask you guys a few questions. And I want you to really think about them. I don't want you to just answer them quickly. Sit with them. Where in your life are you constantly being asked to be the bigger person? Is it in your marriage, your family, your friendships, maybe your workplace? Or maybe it's the response, it's the relationship you have with yourself. Where have you been extending? Grace to everybody except yourself. Where have you been confusing silence with peace? Where have you been accepting responsibility that doesn't belong to you? And what would emotional maturity look like if it included you? Not just everybody else, you. Your needs, feelings, boundaries, emotional capacity, your peace. I want to leave you with this. You do not have to become unkind to become strong. You do not have to become cold to establish boundaries. You do not have to become cruel to stand up for yourself. And you do not have to you do not have to become emotionally unavailable simply because somebody else has been unable to meet with you with care you deserve. You can remain soft, you can remain compassionate, you can remain loving. Faithful and still say, This is not okay with me. I need something different. I am not willing to continue this pattern. I need space. Or simply no. Because sometimes the bigger person is not the person who says the most. Sometimes she's the person who knows when enough has been said. And sometimes she's the person who recognizes that another argument isn't going to create understanding. Sometimes She's the person who decides that her peace is worth protecting. And sometimes the bigger person is the one who finally chooses herself, not out of bitterness, not out of revenge, but out of understanding that her well being matters too. And that is something worth learning. Thank you guys for being here. Make sure you listen to all the commercials. I appreciate it. I am just here supporting mostly women-owned businesses. The mouth pouches that I use is not a woman-owned, but there is part woman on there, a husband and a wife. but I support them because I wholeheartedly, wholeheartedly believe in them. I use them. And I believe that the dry mouth pouches are are just a tiny little miracle. But anyway, listen to the commercials. Be back next time. If you have anything you would like to recommend me to talk about, send me a message, backporchconfessions at gmail.com. I'd love to hear from you. Make sure you go into all the places. I'd love to hear from you guys. Leave me a comment in Spotify. Leave me a comment in an Apple Podcast, iHeartRadio, YouTube. I'm going to try to figure out YouTube and why it's all jumbled up, but yeah, bear with me. But thank you guys. As always, love you. Gravesb41: Hey beautiful people, it's Barbara here from Backport's Confessions. You know, I am only gonna share what I truly love. And y'all, this one's a game changer. Our Way Skin by AYXA is a simple, luxurious skincare created with real women in mind. Think clean ingredients, formulas you can see and feel, smoother texture, that healthy glow and confidence looking back at you in the mirror. Whether you're juggling family, work, or just need a little self-care moment, Ixa's products give you spa quality results right at home. I'm obsessed with Our Way Skin and the way it makes my skin feel buttery soft. Go check out Our Way Skin by Ixa at ourwayskin.com and tell them Barbara sent you because your skin deserves to be cared for your way. That's a wrap on this episode of Back Porch Confessions. Where the tea is hot, the stories are real, and we never apologize for keeping it honest. Produced and edited by the magic makers over at Zay Media. Until next time, keep your porch talk spicy and your secrets safe, mostly.