Latest / Donald Drumpf Theatre radio show / Donald Drumpf Theatre 299: President Pedophile Protector Bombs Again, and Again

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Donald Drumpf Theatre 299: President Pedophile Protector Bombs Again, and Again · Donald Drumpf Theatre radio show

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Previously on the Donald Trump Theater Radio Show.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: It's not as competent.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: Stay with me.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: Not as competent as we've been led to believe.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: And it's not just the pool or the diarrhea.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: He said he was going to cut our energy bills in half.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: Electricity's up 18%.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: He said gas prices would go below $2 a gallon.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: It's up to $4 a gallon.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: He said he was going to stop new wars.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_01: He's bombed at least seven other countries.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: He said he was going to lead a balloon in manufacturing jobs.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: We've lost tens of thousands of manufacturing jobs.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: This country was going to enter a golden age.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: We are controlling transmission, if we wish to make it louder.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: We will bring up the button.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: We can change the focus to a soft blur.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: You just crossed over into... For your consideration, a nation
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: Held hostage by the fragile ego of a man-baby president.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: You were trapped with in the Twilight Zone.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: I am awash in dilemmas and deficiencies.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: As the president toured a Ford manufacturing factory,
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: this moment caught on camera in video obtained by TMZ.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: One man shouting at the president, pedophile protector.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_02: Wow.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_02: Show some respect for the office.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_02: That's president pedophile protector.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_02: Come on, Michigander.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_02: Look, it was an embarrassing event for all involved.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_02: Luckily,
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_02: this time,
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_02: Drumpf made it through his whole tour without a hitch,
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_02: and he was able to move on to his speech.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_03: The trade deficit in automobiles was more than $300 billion annually.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_03: That means outside...
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_03: Countries and companies were coming in and just robbing us blind.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_03: And it was causing tremendous problems for your jobs.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_03: But now all of that is changing because they placed us.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_02: Why does this keep happening?
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_02: Is it the same guy?
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_02: Is it something in the water?
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_02: Is it because Drumpf withhead millions of Epstein files and people are furious
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_02: that no one has been held accountable for it?
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_02: We'll never know.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_02: But come on, Donald.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_02: This will not stand.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_02: Hit him with a comeback.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_02: He's a communist.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_02: He's a communist.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_02: Oh.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, if you're wondering, communist is the opposite of pedophile.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_02: We all remember watching Karl Marx hosting To Catch a Predator.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: We're going to start with the big news from the weekend.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: The United States and Iran taking a hydration break.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: A welcome cessation of hostilities,
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: the respite gave President Trump a chance to stop bombing the Strait of Hormuz and
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: to start bombing at the White House Correspondents' Dinner.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_02: Donald Trump spoke at the White House Correspondents' Dinner,
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_02: and his performance was so great, everyone was stunned into silence.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_03: The other day, a senator I knew got a text, a great guy, from his wife.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_03: And she said,
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_03: when you get home,
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_03: I want to have you immediately come up the stairs and make love to me.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_03: And he said, I can't do both.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_03: You know what, you know, in other words, can't go up the stairs and make love.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_03: Does anybody get that?
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: You know, normally I'd say don't quit your day job.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: But in this case, I will make an exception.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: There
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_02: was also a minor hiccup when he admitted he didn't know what he was supposed to be doing.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_03: I said, what do we do here?
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_03: Is this supposed to be fun?
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_03: Am I supposed to be serious?
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_03: Am I supposed to be a comedian?
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_02: What you're supposed to do is ask somebody all these questions before you go on stage.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: We all know that he has a great sense of humor.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: He's going to deliver a really good speech.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, he's funny.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: He is a hilarious entertainer.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: His comedic timing is really good.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: If he hadn't become president, he could have become a stand-up comedian.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: This guy is honestly one of the funniest presidents we've ever had.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: I think Trump's the funniest president of all time.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Really funny.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Really funny.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: What do you mean I'm funny?
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's funny, you know?
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's a good story.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's funny.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: You're a funny guy.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: What do you mean?
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: You mean the way I talk?
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's just, you know, you're just funny.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's funny, you know, the way you tell the story and everything.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: Funny how?
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, what's funny about it?
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Tommy, no, you got it all wrong.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, Anthony.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: He's a big boy.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: He knows what he said.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: What'd you say?
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Funny how?
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: Just, you know, you're funny.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: You mean, let me understand this, because I don't know.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's me, I'm a little...
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm funny how?
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: I mean funny like I'm a clown.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: I amuse you.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: I make you laugh.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: I'm here to amuse you.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: What do you mean funny?
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: Funny how?
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: How am I funny?
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not just... You know how you tell a story?
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, I don't know.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: You said it.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: How do I know?
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: You said I'm funny.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: How the am I funny?
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: What the is so funny about me?
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: Tell me.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: Tell me what's funny.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_01: What's so funny?
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: No, seriously, I am asking you.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: Because when I was watching him do that one joke, he doesn't seem very funny at all.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, but you know what, man?
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: Look, I've been in that situation.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: We all try new material.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: Doesn't go, you move on to the next one.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: You cannot judge Trump's whole hour-long special just based on that one joke.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: Mr. President, what else you got?
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_03: UFC Freedom 250 fight.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_03: I'm pleased to announce that we're going to host an even bigger one Right in front
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_03: of the White House, every Friday night.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: See, this is great.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: Simple premise.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: Easy, refillable.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna be hosting more fights,
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: so these are just gonna be jokes about who's on the card,
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: what the fights are gonna be.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: It's simple.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: Set up punchline.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_03: Or...
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_03: It's every Friday night,
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_03: every Saturday night,
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_03: we're gonna have fights in front of the White House,
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_03: But we do have something coming that's, and I'm only kidding.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_03: You know,
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_03: the one thing about we are going to have Indy 500,
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_03: Roger Penske's coming in mid-August.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_03: Germany, Japan,
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_03: all these countries,
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_03: they spend billions and billions of dollars trying to win the Indy 500.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_03: On July 4th, we were over at the mall.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_03: And...
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_03: It was raining.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_03: It's supposed to be really bad again.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_03: And we didn't do it the following day.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_03: And we didn't do it two weeks later.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_03: We did it when we were supposed to do it.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_03: It was a fantastic celebration.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: You set up the premise and then you just walk off into the street?
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: Guy went four minutes before introducing the first joke fight
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_03: in his own premise.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_03: But I can exclusively reveal to you this evening that for the heaviest of
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_03: the heavyweights,
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_03: we will have sloppy Chris Christie,
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_03: one of the sloppiest human beings you'll ever meet,
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_03: fighting,
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_03: I would say,
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_03: I could mention the governor of Chicago,
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_03: but I'm going to mention instead Jerry Nadler.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: What?
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, my God!
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: You don't tell us you're changing the target of your roast joke halfway through the joke.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: We don't know the target.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: Just change it.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: Don't say, I was going to make fun of the governor of Illinois, but Jerry Nadler.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: And by the way, are there two more relevant targets?
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: Than Chris Christie and Jerry Nadler.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: Ooh, wait till the former governor of New Jersey
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_01: and outgoing Congressional District 12 representative of New York get a load
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: of this.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: Their careers will continue to have been over.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_03: And they're fighting for a big piece of cheesecake.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_03: Big fat piece of cheesecake.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_03: Who the hell wrote that line?
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: Who the hell wrote that line?
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it sounds like you.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: It sounds exactly like something you would say.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: Look, this is a solid premise.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: Let's try this again.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: Here's an easy joke to land with this premise.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, and tonight, I'm proud to announce the next upcoming fight at the White House.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: AOC will face off against her greatest enemy, a simple question about foreign policy.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: See, it's simple.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: Give that joke.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_03: Give that joke a go.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_03: And then you have a congresswoman, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, AOC plus three.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_03: They're three friends, right?
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_03: AOC plus three, and I watched her give that answer when she was over in Europe.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_03: It was not a good answer.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_03: If I ever gave that answer, I would be out of politics.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_03: You don't have to talk about what you saw.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_03: Remember, you cannot have a 19-second wait time.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_03: Just do the joke.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_03: Quite simple question.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_03: But we'll then have a rematch against an extreme simple question on a foreign policy.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_03: Nobody knows what you're saying now!
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_03: Security conference.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_03: It was a big security conference, and this was the first time up.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_03: No!
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_03: In terms of that.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_01: You don't do jokes like you're reading them for the first time!
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: He's putting 10 pounds of roast jokes into a five-pound bag.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't work this way.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: There are rules to these things.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_01: Look, let's just... Obviously, the more complex jokes, you're not going to be able to handle.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: Let's just stick to simple burns.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: Simple burns.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: You can't that up.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_03: So they thought about going with a professional clown for entertainment,
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_03: but Adam Shifty Schiff was not available?
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_03: That was actually the only thing I thought was good
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_03: in this whole freaking stupid speech that they wrote.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_02: I'm sorry,
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_02: there was one joke you liked in your whole speech,
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_02: and you still went an hour and five minutes?
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_02: How much time do you want to do tonight, Donald?
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_02: Let me see.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_02: I got one good one, two maybes, and then the rest of it's a pile of dog .
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_02: So, like, 65 minutes?
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_03: You know, he's known...
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_03: I called him...
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_03: I hate some people.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I shouldn't say this.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not supposed to hate him.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_03: I'm supposed to love everybody, but he's a terrible person.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_03: He's a liar.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_03: And I called him Watermelon Head,
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_03: because he has the largest head I've ever seen with the smallest neck, pencil neck.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_03: How does that big, fat, ugly head stand on a little pencil, pencil, pencil neck?
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, there's probably something in there.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: But you might not be the perfect messenger to deliver a roast about someone's big,
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_01: fat, ugly head.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_01: It's another rule of roasting.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: It's just a different...
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: Very tough to land solid jokes about something you yourself clearly suffer from.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_01: Although,
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_01: admittedly,
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_01: your big,
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_01: fat, ugly head sits on what appears to be not a pencil, but a big, fat, ugly neck.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: So maybe the joke is a proportion issue.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_01: Hard to point out the pencil neck when your mug sits on what looks like a rhinoceros's vagina.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_01: Honestly, the only funny part of the jokes was watching the crowd's reactions.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_01: It was a melange of confusion, boredom, shock, and at one point, a literal existential crisis.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_01: Here's the one thing you never want from your audience at a comedy show.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_01: You never want the audience at your comedy show to clearly be rethinking the choices
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_01: that led them to that night.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_01: Try not to build a whole routine around a premise that's no longer operable.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_03: You can't have somebody like a J.B.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_03: Pritzker,
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_03: who I understand is not present,
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_03: sadly, but, you know, some people say, never use the fat word.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_03: And I don't.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_03: I would never call anybody fat.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_03: I have my own problems, you know?
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_03: It's not like I'm perfect.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_03: Sir, in the back, don't call him a fat pig, okay?
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_03: You can't call J.B. Pritzker a fat pig, please.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_03: Actually, he's lost a lot of weight.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_03: I saw him recently.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_03: He lost quite a bit of weight.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_01: Then why did you bring it up?
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_01: The deeper problem for Trump Is that last weekend revealed he has lived so long in
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_01: a magical world of his own creation.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_01: Curated for his comfort and positive reinforcement.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_01: He's the ultimate snowflake.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: Rewarded with unearned participation trophy laughs.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_01: That he doesn't even know what's actually funny.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_01: Because everything he says is funny in his Truman show of an administration.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know if I can handle looking 20 pounds heavier.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_03: They do treat me well Sharpie.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_03: Whatever you say boss, sounds like a good idea boss.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_03: Of course the night demonstrated another hard truth about Donald Trump's administration.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_01: That whenever his warm front of fantasy collides with the cold front of reality,
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_01: there's no one to blame but everyone else.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_03: And they're fighting for a big piece of cheesecake.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_03: Big fat piece of cheesecake.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_03: Who the hell wrote that line?
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_03: She wasn't high up on her totem pole.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_03: Who the hell wrote that?
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_03: That was actually the only thing I thought was good
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_03: in this whole freaking stupid speech that they wrote.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_03: That was the only good one.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_03: And that went down with not exactly great laughter.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_01: You know what they say.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_01: A great carpenter always blames his tools.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_01: And Donald Drumpf is surrounded by tools.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_01: But no matter how his writers let him down, boy, Drumpf just kept digging.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_01: Tried to make a simple joke about Caitlin Collins,
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_01: but unfortunately triggered himself in the process,
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_01: turning the entire event into a festivus grievance miracle.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_03: But I want to personally congratulate CNN's Caitlin Collins on receiving her award.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_03: It was all about me.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_03: It's a fake.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_03: She shouldn't get the award.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_03: It was a fake.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_03: But I didn't mind.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_03: I said, Caitlin, congratulations.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_03: But it was fake.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_03: There's no question about it.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_03: But she's a...
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_03: Young, attractive woman.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_03: She never smiles.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_03: I said, Caitlin, do you ever smile?
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_03: Smile.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_03: You have a nice position.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_03: You're at CNN Fake News.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_03: You should be a happy person.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_03: So smile, Caitlin.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_03: Just smile.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_01: This was a bad night.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_01: Don't take my word for it.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_01: Even Drumpf's cadre of media fanboys and girls had to admit it.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: I've seen him be very funny, and so I think he could have been a lot funnier.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's a missed opportunity.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: It really had no positive effect on anybody, including him.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: I think it could have been a lot shorter, and it could have been punchier.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: Some of the jokes veered off into very sort of ornery insults,
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: and that's not going to land for many audiences.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_01: That guy couldn't polish this turd.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_01: That guy who spends his days bending over backwards to figure out how to tell you
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_01: that the war in Iran is...
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_01: Even he's like,
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_01: I can't put lipstick on this mother...
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_02: And Drumpf didn't just have a rough night at the podium.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_02: Even when he wasn't speaking, things weren't going great for him.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_02: Earlier in the night,
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_02: he had to sit there while reporters for The Wall Street Journal accepted an award
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_02: for their reporting on Trump's ties to Jeffrey Epstein, and he did not seem happy.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: The journal's courageous reporting on President Trump's past relationship
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: with financier Jeffrey Epstein triggered the release of the so-called Epstein files.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: Thousands of documents that might otherwise have remained hidden from the public.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: And despite the president's threat of a lawsuit,
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: the journal published a story about a provocative letter
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: to Epstein bearing president's signature quickly filed a 20 billion dollar lawsuit
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: against the journal revealing reporter Khadija Safdar's home address.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: Her family had to be relocated.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_01: She wrote an objectively true story about my depraved relationship
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_01: with Jeffrey Epstein and I got her life threatened.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_01: Did I do that?
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_01: I know nothing.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: So what did you hear tonight?
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: What was your reaction?
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: I thought he was, as usual, he was a bore, he was a toad,
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_01: and long-winded.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, you'd think you'd all be mad at him, but they're all in there just schnicking it up.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_01: So he just gets to shake hands with the leaders of a profession
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_01: whose members he has subpoenaed,
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_01: arrested, sued,
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_01: cut their funding,
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_01: threatened their licenses, barred their access, and even had f***ing deported.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_01: And the sad truth is, if Trump had known he could win an award for that Epstein story, well...
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_01: He'd have told them about the Epstein files himself.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_02: This is what happens when Drumpf steps outside of the comfort of his MAGA bubble,
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_02: like when he goes to sporting events or public places and gets booed.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_02: For 10 years, he's built a comfortable MAGA cocoon to nurture his fragile ego.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_02: Now, with that said,
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_02: I would never call the president a chode,
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_02: mostly because his speech was long and thin.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_02: A chode, on the other hand, is short and... Forage is sick.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_02: Last fall, I made a special about Trump's obsession with the Nobel Peace Prize.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_02: In hindsight,
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_02: I really shouldn't have been surprised
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_02: when every MAGA supporter assumed he already had it in the bag.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_02: Is Donald Trump the peace president?
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: I would say so.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: I would say he's done a lot better than some of the others.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_02: How has Donald Trump done in terms of Ending wars.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: I think definitely making it where there won't be more in the future, for sure.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_02: Not starting new wars.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_02: That Greenland war is done.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_02: That's not happening anymore.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_02: Right?
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_02: And I think we have Donald Trump to thank for that war.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_02: For sure.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_02: And for ending that war.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_02: What is it about Trump that screams to you peace?
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: He's bombing all the narco-terrorists.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: I know it's not peaceful, but it's bringing more peace in America.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_02: People are saying the way the actions we're taking are outside the judicial system.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: Isn't it like open waters?
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe it's extrajudicial.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: I think they're giving them enough due process.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_02: Trump hadn't yet invaded Venezuela or started a war with Iran,
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_02: but he had deployed swarms of ICE agents and federal troops to American cities.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_02: What do you think of those images of I think it's awesome.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_02: Why is that?
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_02: Unfortunately, the African-American demographic.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_02: So wait, where are you getting this intel that it's black Americans?
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_02: That's the problem.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_02: Before I came to Ole Miss, I was looking at going to the University of Oregon.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_02: You were in what, Eugene, Oregon?
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_02: It didn't feel safe.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_02: Eugene, Oregon did not seem safe.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_02: I say this with all due respect.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_02: Are you just a pussy?
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_02: Looking back, it was obvious the MAGA crowd was afraid of liberal cities for one simple reason.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_03: Antifa thugs.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_03: The domestic terror group Antifa.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_03: Antifa!
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_02: But when I went to Portland, Oregon to meet with these Antifa terrorists, I found not blocks.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_02: I have to ask, are you an Antifa thug?
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_02: I am not an Antifa thug.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_02: No.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_02: Have you seen any Antifa thugs?
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_02: I have not seen any thugs.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_02: That is what an Antifa thug would say.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_02: Turns out this was a naked protest against Trump's immigration crackdown.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_02: And joining the lefty nudists were frightening farm animals.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_02: So as somebody who was an early adopter to chicken costumes,
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_02: what other cosplayer are you sort of impressed by?
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_00: The toad and the frog.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_02: Can you give me an antifa, huh?
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_00: That has been an incredible symbol.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: I think that one has caught on in a way that is really sustainable.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_00: What do you mean by that?
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I don't know how intentional everything was with that or with this,
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: but frogs work so well as an analogy right now.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_00: The frogs in boiling water.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: That's what we are as America in this moment.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like, fascism is happening.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's not coming.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's here.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of us have just been ignoring it as the temperature gets turned up.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_02: Do you think the frog understood that symbolism or just got super stoned and said,
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_02: I'm wearing this?
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_02: Can it be both?
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_02: It probably can be both.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_02: Pay attention, America, because last fall it was Portland, Oregon.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_02: This spring it was Portland, Maine.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_02: And now I'm guessing Portland, Connecticut is about to get .
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for the songs for this week's episode from Golden Earring and Elvis Costello.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_00: And thanks for the clips and excerpts from Jon Stewart,
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: Jon Oliver,
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: Rennera Targaryen,
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_00: Jordan Klepper,
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_00: Tommy DeVito and Henry Hill from Goodfellas,
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: Seth Meyers, Wolf Blitzer and Sergeant Schultz.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: Tune in next week for episode 300 of the Donald Trump Theater radio show.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_00: If President Pedophile Protector doesn't bomb us first.
• 23:32
  All right.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm stepping into the twilight zone.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_00: This is a madhouse.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_00: Feels like being blown.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_00: My feet have been moved on the moon and star.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_00: Where am I to go now that I've gone so far?
• 24:28
  I'm stepping into the twilight zone.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: This is a madhouse.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_00: Feels like being blown.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_00: My feet have been moved on the moon and star.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_00: Where am I to go?
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_00: So you will come and know when the bullet hits the
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_00: bone.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_00: So you will come and know when
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_00: the bullet hits the bone.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_00: So you
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_00: When the ball hits the ball.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_01: When the ball hits the ball.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_01: When the ball hits the ball.