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What To Do If Your Ex is Speaking Badly About You To Your Kids · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartel, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there in soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: Moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the Wurundri people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome, welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Today I'm going to talk about what you can do if your ex is bad mouthing you to the kids.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: Now, it might be your ex or it might actually be somebody close to your ex who is bad-mouthing you to the kids.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: What can you do about it?
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: Now, let's first talk about what I'm mean when I say bad mouthing, what it is, why it happens.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: So we all know separation and divorce can often leave those involved feeling resentful, angry, hostile, emotions are running high, feelings are pretty raw, and it's not unfortunately uncommon for this to tip over into speaking badly about one party or the other.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: Bad mouthing, where one or both parties or someone close to one of one of you speaks badly of their ex behind their back.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: And it can it can include, it can be really quite obvious like name-calling or um less obvious, you know, disproportionate sort of blaming.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's all that black and white, it's all your mother's fault, or it's all your father's fault, or whatever.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: So that disproportional blaming, it can be telling half-truths, you know, leaving out important facts or telling outright lies.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it can be passive-aggressive tactics, such as that, you know, backhanded compliment kind of thing.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah, but um, it can be just constant criticism, or it could be telling stories, you know, negative, biased, disparaging sort of stories.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um it could be about um financial contributions, you know, uh, it's all my money or the money I give your mother, your father, etc.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: etc.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: So it takes all sorts of forms from outright and blatant to very quite to quite subtle, passive-aggressive tactics.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: And sadly, it's often the children who hear this bad mouthing firsthand.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's when one parent says something mean or hurtful or less than true about their co-parent in front of to some someone else or directly to the children, it can cause them to feel torn, hurt, angry.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's really hard for kids to hear negative things about one parent from another, and it means that the kids are made to carry an emotional burden that they really shouldn't have to carry.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: So whether it's provoked by anger or frustration or feelings of bitterness or betrayal, and in a previous episode, I talked about what you do if your partner is leaving you, has had an affair and is leaving you.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: So there's significant betrayal involved there, which can make you want to speak badly about your ex to or in front of the kids.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: But this only makes an already difficult situation that your kids are involved that are experiencing, it only makes that difficult situation worse.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: It makes it harder for them, it makes them carry a burden that they don't need to or shouldn't have to carry.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: And it's it just adds to it adds to the small t or even big t trauma that your kids are experiencing.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this isn't just related to younger kids, and in in the podcast episode I where I interviewed my daughter Eva, and if you haven't heard it, go back and have a listen to it.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's great.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, she speaks about, and she was 18 when 17, 18 when this was happening.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: She speaks about how her dad and I at one point were almost treating her as a messenger between the two of us.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um, must have been when she was 18 because she was driving, so you know, we weren't seeing one another at handover type um situations anymore.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: So we would give her a message.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Now we shut it down pretty quickly when we realized what was happening.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: She called it out, we shut it down.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's not bad mouthing, but I share that because it can be older children, it's not just young children that this um that this affects.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: So if it's happening to you, how do you you know um redress it?
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: How do you clear your name almost?
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: How do you point out the truth and and rectify the situation without dragging your kids, big kids or small kids, even deeper into what is essentially none of their business, what is actually an adult situation.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: So, what you can do about bad mouthing if it's happening on the other side, what you can do about it if it's happening from your side is just stop it, cut it out.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: Don't talk about don't talk badly about your kid's other parent when they're even remotely near.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: They are radars, they will list it, they will, they will pick it up.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: So even if you think you're being really careful, even if you think that the conversation that you're having is private, if your kids are present, I strongly advise you don't talk badly about your ex or their their parent, their other parent.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: Keep it to a really private space so that they don't have to hear it, they don't accidentally overhear it.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: But anyway, back to if it's happening on the other side.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Simply acknowledge it with your kids.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Acknowledge it without adding emotional energy, without adding fuel to the fire.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Don't go on the defensive with the I'm not, I do not, I did not, or don't go on a counter-attack.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: Take that high moral road and don't be tempted to join in and add to fuel to the fire.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: You can say something like, I'm sorry he said that to you, that must be hard for you to hear from your dad or from mum.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um what what you've heard might make you feel XYZ, or how does that make you feel?
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I'm sorry you had to hear that.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: Just keep it really neutral in your tone.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: So acknowledge the behaviour, acknowledge the comments that have been made, but don't add fuel to the fire.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: You can ask the kids if age and stage appropriate, of course, you can ask them how that made them feel, you can ask them how they would like you to handle it for them, or if they would like you to handle it for them.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're in a situation where you can take it to your to your ex, to their co-parent, and have a constructive conversation, then that's obviously a possibility.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: If not, it's a simple acknowledgement of the behaviour.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry you heard that, I'm sorry it made you feel that way, and move on.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to talk about some more strategies further in the podcast, but for now, a simple acknowledgement.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: Don't dismiss it, don't fight it, acknowledge it.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: The next part about it for you is to remain calm.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: Take a really good long deep breath before responding.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: If you need to, after acknowledging what your child has shared with you, tell them you need to take a few moments to think about what they've shared so you can respond properly and well.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: So if it's something that tips you into that fight-flight response and you can feel that you're triggered, you feel that you're activated and you need some time, take some time to calm down.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: It might think, it might help, I'm sorry, to think about your ex's behavior like that of a toddler when having a tantrum.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: Something's happening that they don't like, and so they are responding, reacting.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: Don't allow your own emotional reaction to trigger your own tantrum in response to theirs.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: We only need one adult in the space here, and if this is happening in your separation, divorce, or your co-parenting relationship afterwards, you need to be the adult.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: Your kids need you to be a grown-up and hold a safe space for them.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: And they need you here to model how to handle their own emotions and handle them well, handle big emotions well without becoming consumed or overwhelmed or reacting from an activated place.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: So remain calm, and if that means you need to take some time to calm down, take the time.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: The third part is calling it out.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna clarify and qualify here because there are times in um abuse situations, in domestic violence and family violence situations, in situations where you're actually dealing with a narcissist, it this point may not be relevant to you.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: So it is situational.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: It is according to your unique circumstances.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: If your ex bad mouths you, if they speak badly to you or insult you in front of the kids, it's really important you don't let that slide.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: It might catch you off guard the first couple of times it happens.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: So don't feel bad if that's the case and you've missed it and you've let it go, but don't let it become an ongoing pattern, an ongoing event.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Call it out with your ex calmly.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: As we said before, act work on your own activation, your own triggers calmly and say, it's not okay to speak that way to me or about me.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: Include your kids in this if it's appropriate.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: Again, age and stage and situation appropriate.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: You can do it either then in the moment or later and say, I'm sorry you heard that, I'm sorry you heard mum or dad speak like that.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's not an okay way to speak or talk to someone about to or about someone.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: And this does have the potential to escalate things.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: So if this is a strategy you're going to employ and a stance you're going to take, a boundary you're going to draw, you need to be prepared with de-escalation strategies.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um dealing with your kids, it can be as simple as, or if it's done in front of your kids, I'm sorry, it can be simple as simple as this is an adult issue, let's discuss it later when the children aren't around.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: That's your boundary.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: Hold your line on that.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: You can say, I don't I don't like, I don't appreciate the way you're speaking to me right now.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: This is an adult issue.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm willing to discuss it later when the children aren't around.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: Something else to consider if your ex is bad mouthing you to or around the children is feelings and versions of truth.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's really important to talk with your kids about feelings.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: Not just about this, but throughout the whole separation divorce process and of course beyond life, right?
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: But but if this is happening and they're the ones bringing it to you, talk with your kids about feelings.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: Ask how they feel about what happened.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: Help them if they need it, help them with words to describe their feelings and encourage your kids to share the way they feel when they're with their other parent or the way they feel when um when this happens.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: So you become their safe place.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: Depending on the relationship, on your unique circumstances, on your family, it might be appropriate for them to go back to their other parent and say, when you speak that way about dad, I feel.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: When you speak that way about mum, I feel.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: When you say things like that about mum, I feel that might be appropriate to teach them, to coach them to do, and it might not be.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's going to depend on your unique family circumstances.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: If, as I said earlier, you've got a relationship with your co-parent where it's amicable enough that you can say, hey, look, XYZ child said to me this happened.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: I think we need to be really careful about what we're saying when they're in earshot.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, that's not going to be appropriate or okay or relevant to every family situation.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: But if you can, fantastic.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: It is okay to also talk to your kids when you're talking about feelings about how their other parent might be feeling and therefore why he or she might be doing or saying what they are.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this is really age and stage appropriate, as always, with kids, but you know, a general conversation around you know, when people are hurt or angry, they might not be able to see things clearly, and sometimes if you're hurt or angry, it's easy to forget the nice ways to behave, and we might sometimes say things that we don't really believe or mean.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: So those kinds of conversations, age and stage appropriate, can be helpful.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: And just before we deep dive into the second part of this podcast episode, I want to remind you that there's always the opportunity to have a conversation with me, to book a free intro call if this episode is bringing up things for you and you feel like you're ready to take the next step towards working one-on-one with me.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: There's a link in the show notes to book your free intro call and to discuss coaching options, and I would love to be able to support you.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's a great opportunity for an open and more general discussion with your kids about saying mean things, things said in anger, and how hurtful that can be.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: And you can relate it back to their own life.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: If they've got siblings, you know, siblings often say things to one another in anger that they might not really mean, or kids in the playground.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: So it's a great opportunity for an open general discussion about the things we say when we're not we don't have our kindest hat on, I suppose.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: Now, the other thing I wanted to acknowledge here is versions of truth, and in our family, we talk about versions of truth, acknowledging that everyone has um and is entitled to their own perspective, their own understanding of what the real story is.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone will tell a slightly different story of an experience, and that doesn't necessarily make it untrue.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's just their version of the story, it's their version of what happened, it's their version of truth.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: But the more we tell our own version of a story, the more we tend to believe it's the only true version of that story.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: So this can be a really useful strategy, not only for if bad mouthing is happening, but other experiences your children will have as they grow and navigate their own family dynamics, but you know, relationships and life in general.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody will have a version of a of truth.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't always mean that one is right and one is wrong.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: There are versions of truth.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: The next thing you can do if your ex is bad mouthing you is to present the facts.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: Now, your ex bad mouthing you is almost a form of gaslighting, it's an attempt to control the story, control the narrat the narrative that your children believe.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: So presenting their version of truth as the only version of truth.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's an attempt to blame and divide and force your kids to choose sides.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: So while presenting your kids with the facts is really important in dialing down the fire that's created by this behaviour, it's really, really important to do it calmly and clearly and in an age-appropriate way for your children.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: So explain to your children why what they heard is not true or it's a version of truth without attempting to really prove anything to them or take down their other parent in retaliation.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: What do I mean by this?
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: Well, if, for example, your ex is telling the children that you took all the money after the divorce and that's why they can't have X, Y, or Z thing, your response could be something along the lines of I'm sorry that dad or mum is talking to you about that.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: I believe that's adult stuff, and it's not actually something you need to worry about.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: So that's the first thing.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: Acknowledge it.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's true that each of us has less money than we did when we all lived together, but there's still plenty of money to pay for the things we need.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: Now I know for some of you there's not plenty of money to pay for the things that you need.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: So you need to rephrase or reframe that.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: We still have enough money to do the things we most need to do.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: But I've stepped that out so you've got a specific framework for presenting the facts.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry that your other parent is talking to you about that.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: I believe that's adult stuff, and it's not something you need to worry about.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: You can acknowledge feelings in here too, and then present the truth, a version of truth that doesn't blame or retaliate in any way.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, it's true that we have less money, each of us has less money, but we still both have enough, or whatever the situation is.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's also really important to give your kids permission to think for themselves.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: It is my belief, and I've seen it time and time and time again, that the truth will out, kids do actually come to realize what's happening and what has happened, and they they do form their own version of truth about each of each of their parents, about the separation, about the divorce.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: Now, here I'm talking about tricky, dysfunctional, I'm not talking about abusive, I'm not talking about flat-out abusive situations here, okay?
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: But give your kids permission to think for themselves, give them agency, give them the skills and the permission and the power to think for themselves.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_00: And once again, this is a life skill that they will carry with them, not just throughout your separation, divorce, and co-parenting challenges, but forever.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_00: Not just use in circumstances where their other parent is bad mouthing you.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: So while your kids shouldn't ever feel they need to defend one or other of their parents, they should not need to def feel they need to defend you.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: They need the skills to understand the behaviour and to analyze age and stage appropriately, of course, what they're being told to think for themselves and to then communicate how bad mouthing makes them feel.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_00: They might not be able to communicate that to the parent who is doing the bad mouthing.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: That might just come with their safe parent, their emotionally safe parent.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: So they do need to be able to think for themselves and then communicate how that behaviour is making them feel.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_00: So let them know, yes, with your words, but more importantly, with your behaviour.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: Being calm, open, accepting when or if they do come to you.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_00: Let them know that they can ask you and talk to you about anything they're worried or concerned about.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: You remaining calm, you listening well, and you answering truthfully creates a safe space for them to continue to do that.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: So do remain calm, whatever that takes, listen really well and answer truthfully, age and stage appropriate.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_00: It does not mean you have to load them with the whole truth.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: It does not mean that they get to know everything, and you don't have to throw their other parent under the bus to reclaim your truth, your version of truth.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_00: Make it age and stage appropriate and allow it to preserve their relationship with their other parent until if if it comes to this, until they're ready for that not to be the case.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_00: Give them the gift of an open relationship with their other parent, even if that parent is bad mouthing you.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, you are teaching them to think for themselves and to not think what you think or believe what you believe.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_00: You're giving them the gift of permission to.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Think for themselves.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's really important to set a good example and be the parent you most want your ex to be.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_00: So if they're not doing the right thing, if they're not behaving with their children's best interests at heart, it is more important, even more important, that you do.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_00: Be the parent you most want your ex to be.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_00: Set a really good example by speaking respectfully and without strong emotion about your ex as well as about his or her extended family.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: Speak with kindness, maybe even with affection, if you can.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_00: Recalling the good, kind things they've done, whether in the past or current, positive traits that they display, fun family memories you created together, good things about the person who is their other parent.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_00: Not necessarily about that person as your life partner, but good things that you can see, positive traits, good deeds done by the person who is their other parent.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: And if even that's too much of a stretch, speak about them as you would about a colleague at work.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: Courteous, respectful, as you would wish a colleague to speak about you.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_00: Behave towards your ex, even if they're not doing well by you, even if they're choosing to speak badly about you, behave towards them as you would hope they would behave towards you, regardless of whether they're physically present or not.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_00: Be the parent you most want your ex to be and show your kids how you want them to behave toward other people in their lives, in their own lives.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_00: Don't involve your kids in any in any further conflict than they are already involved in.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_00: Keep it to a minimum and choose really well when you download and dump about your ex.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: Choose a safe space when your kids are not present.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_00: And depending on your unique circumstances, you might choose to have the hard conversation.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_00: You might try having a calm, respectful, outcome-focused, constructive conversation with your ex.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_00: Asking them to stop saying unnecessary or unkind things about you, ask them to stop using sarcasm or other passive-aggressive communication strategies around the children.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: It might just be simply asking them to not speak about you directly to the children.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_00: If possible, if it's safe to do so, this conversation is best had face to face.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_00: But if you find it too difficult to do that, or you find it too difficult to remain calm, or you think your ex will struggle to remain calm, send this request in writing.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_00: And if it's not your ex, but maybe a relative who's doing the bad mouthing, address it first with your co-parent.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_00: Make them aware of what's going on and ask them to step in and stop it happening.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where it's on the your co-parent, your ex-partner to step in and shut it down.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_00: If that isn't successful, you may need to go straight to the source, either in person or in writing.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_00: Again, that's a little fraught, but it might be something that you choose to do.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_00: If you're going to put it in writing, I strongly suggest you have somebody else read through it, somebody who's a much more neutral third party, strip out emotive inflammatory language, and this is something I work on with my one-to-one clients.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_00: If you're putting something in writing, whether it directly to your ex or to a third party, have someone else scan over it to strip it out, make sure it's as non-confrontational as it can be.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: Do protect your children from any secondary conversation your ex might choose to have about this issue.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_00: While your kids might have been the ones that told you about what they heard or overheard, the issue does not actually involve them.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_00: So if your conversation does not go in your favour and your co-parent continues to badmouth you to your children or to others, then it's time to potentially seek help from an objective neutral third party or professional.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_00: But if you've addressed the issue directly with your ex, with their other parent, that's pretty much all your kids need to know.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_00: We've had a talk about it, and hopefully things will be different in the future.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_00: You might not even need to say that to your kids.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_00: If a conversation doesn't help, then we might then it's potentially time to get a third party involved.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, that might be legal representation.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_00: So in a nutshell, the don'ts of dealing with bad mouthing by your ex or somebody else to your kids.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_00: When they bring it to you, don't minimize the significance of what happened.
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_00: It is a big deal, and your kids are affected, sad, angry, worried, or upset by it.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_00: So don't minimize the significance of what happened.
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_00: Acknowledge it as unemotionally as you can.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_00: Don't add fuel to an already emotional fire by firing back either directly to your ex or via your kids.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_00: You know, don't say, well, he or she said that because they are X, Y, and Z.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_00: Don't add fuel to the fire.
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_00: Keep it calm, acknowledge it.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_00: The dos of dealing with bad mouthing.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_00: Take a deep breath, stay calm.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_00: Do whatever you need to do to dial yourself down, dial down your reactivity so you can respond rather than react, and offer a calm response that isn't overly emotional to your kids.
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_00: Tell them you're sorry they heard that from their parent and address how they're feeling.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_00: How did that make you feel?
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_00: Are you feeling okay about that?
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever your strategy around addressing feelings is.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_00: Teach them, and this is not in the moment, this is over time, teach them the skills to communicate with other people how that how behaviours make them feel.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_00: And then they can use that with their other parent.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_00: Teach them the skills to communicate with their other parent how the behavior makes them feel.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_00: And tell and teach your kids it's not okay to speak about people like that.
• 28:40
  SPEAKER_00: So make sure your behaviour matches your words, that they don't overhear you speaking badly about their other parent.
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_00: Explain that sometimes people who are hurt or angry do say things they might not say when they're calmer, using an example from their own friendships or from their siblings.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_00: And tell them that you will handle the situation by in whatever way you've decided, whether it's speaking to your ex, whatever, you will handle the situation because this is really a grown-up issue.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_00: Now we can't, or you can't protect your kids absolutely from negative or damaging things anyone is going to say about you, your ex, anyone.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_00: You can though be the buffer that they need.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_00: Having even one parent who provides that emotionally safe, nurturing, supportive environment, one where they never feel like they have to choose between their parents or where one parent is the baddie, that is enough.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_00: One parent creating an emotionally safe space is enough for most kids.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_00: So teaching your kids, showing them by the example of your own behaviour how to navigate difficult, high conflict situations respectfully in an emotionally safe and intelligent way, helps them not only deal with the challenges of their family situation right now, their family relationships right now, but sets them up to form really healthy, respectful relationships as they grow into adulthood.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, divorce affects kids.
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, it's hard when your ex is bad mouthing you to the kids, but it also gives you opportunities to teach them alternative ways of handling conflict and dealing with big emotions, and that is one of the gifts that I believe divorce gives you as a parent.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's how we handle our conflict that impacts our kids the most, and the impact is both positive and negative.
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_00: If you know someone this would help, please please share it with them.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_00: Our kids are our most precious gifts, right?
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_00: And protecting them and supporting them and teaching them and nurturing them, regardless of what their family looks like, is really, really important.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thanks for being here.
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.