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10 Pillars of Catholic Family Life · Crisis Point

• 0:00
  Foreign.
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  Today I want to talk about what I call the 10 pillars of a solid Catholic family life. And before I get started and go through the 10, I do want to make this disclaimer. I always hesitate to talk about this subject because I feel like it projects this image that I think on this perfect father, this perfect husband, something like that, which is definitely not true. Just ask my wife and my kids. I'm not perfect.
• 0:38
  However, I have been married for over 30 years, and I have been a parent for over 29 years.
• 0:44
  And I've learned a lot from my mistakes, if nothing else. And I do have a happy marriage. After 31 years of marriage, my wife and I are still happily married.
• 0:54
  My kids have all turned out well. The ones who have already left the home and my kids at home are all doing well.
• 1:00
  So I do have some experience here, and these are the things I found that have helped our family to be.
• 1:07
  To have a solid Catholic family life. And so whether or not you've been a parent for a while or you're just getting married and going into home life, here's some what I would consider kind of the ten pillars. I'm not saying this is every single thing you need to do, but these are the ones that I think are in many ways the most important.
• 1:24
  Okay, let me just go ahead and get started. In number one, understand your roles. And here I am talking particularly about the husband and the wife.
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  Understand that you are not interchangeable.
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  You do not have the same roles in a marriage or as parents.
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  You are distinct and you are different.
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  Also understand the relationship between the two of you. This is very important.
• 1:52
  So one of the things that. This is a controversial topic. We'll start off right at the beginning because people do tend to have extreme views of this.
• 2:02
  There's the dominant view, which is the feminist view, which is awful and evil, in which the man and the woman are equal in the sense that they do the exact same things.
• 2:15
  They're interchangeable, which usually ends up being. The wife kind of dominates the family, and she's the head of the household. This is not the scriptural model. This is not the Catholic model.
• 2:27
  No. In the Catholic family, the man, the husband, the father is the head of the household. Period. End of story.
• 2:35
  Now, as the head of the household, he is to be like Christ. He's to sacrifice himself, put his family above everything, anything in his life. Personal comes after his sacrificial love of his family. He always puts his family first. And the wife is to submit to the husband as Christ, as the church. Submits to Christ and you know, we can't hide away from that. Now I do think there's the other extreme, the feminist extreme, but there has become like the reactionary extreme to that where there's all these new rules we have set up for, for how this has to work, that it has to be done in a very specific cultural way.
• 3:13
  And I just don't think that's true either.
• 3:16
  I think ultimately actually how it plays out in every family is a little different based upon the family dynamics, based upon the personalities of the man and the woman.
• 3:24
  In some families, the man might be making a lot of the day to day decisions in the family, kind of leading in that way. In other families he might be delegating a lot of that to his wife, knowing he is where the buck stops. He is the ultimate kind of rule giver, the head of the household, but, but he lets the wife do a lot of the day to day. There's nothing wrong with that. It really depends on the dynamics between the husband, the wife and their personalities.
• 3:52
  It needs to be something very natural.
• 3:54
  One of the things I you hear, and I hear it now being railed on this, there's this phrase happy wife, happy life.
• 4:02
  And that's been around for a while and now you'll hear a lot more traditional lean Catholics and others will, in the kind of bro. Spheres like that, rail on that. The truth is happy wife, happy life, I'm speaking to the men here is a fine sentiment as long as it's understood properly.
• 4:19
  If by happy wife, happy life you mean, okay, just let the wife get whatever she wants just to make her happy, that's a recipe for disaster. In fact, that's a recipe for both of you being unhappy. If that's all you're doing, you just go along with whatever she says and you never, you never push back, you never say, no, we're going to do this, whatever. It's always just whatever you want, dear. Whatever you want, dear. Well, you're miserable. And guess what, your wife's miserable too. Because your wife wants you to lead.
• 4:47
  She wants you to be making decisions. Not like you're making decisions without her, without her consultation, without her being part of the process, but that you're where the buck stops, that's a recipe for disaster. However, if by happy wife, happy life you simply mean that the husband feels it's his duty to make his wife feel content and happy because he is providing for her and he is protecting her, then yes, absolutely, that is a good thing. That, that is a good way to live husbands. I mean, definitely your job is to make your wife feel protected, feel provided for, feel content, feel. Yes. And feel happy. And same with your kids. Your kids should feel the same way. They should feel like, okay, dad's got my back, dad's taking care of me, Dad's going to make sure that I, I, he'll do what's best for me. All those things would be true. So yes. So in that sense, you could say happy wife, happy life.
• 5:54
  One practical thing I would say though, when it comes to the relationships and kind of the practical nature of how this works out, one of the biggest debates in this area is whether or not the, the wife when they have kids, especially whether she should work outside the home.
• 6:10
  I don't take a dogmatic stands on this like some do either, yes, it's no problem whatsoever or absolutely no exceptions. She should never do that. I do think though, this, every man who everything he to make sure his never feels like she has to work, he makes sure his, that obviously their situation and control in which a wife might have to work outside the home, the, the dad's disabled or something like that.
• 6:39
  I get that. And for this whole thing, these are all general advice that I realize certain situations, it doesn't apply. But, but I would say very much so, the husband should do everything he can make sure the wife didn't have to work. Now I do think absolutely the best thing for kids, especially younger kids, is for the, the mother to stay at home, not the father, but the mother to stay at home with them. Now she might have, I mean, we're living in 2026 here. It's not, you know, 1970 or 1980 where you can't work from the home. So there's a lot of opportunities where a mother might be able to make a little money on the side with a little bit of business now that can go out, that can get out of control as well. Like I see some of these, like mom influencers, you know, Catholic ones, who spend lots of time speaking at conferences and traveling around, engaging in social media here, there and everywhere.
• 7:32
  And they're supposedly working from home and so taking care of their kids. You know, you're not taking care of your kids, you're taking care of yourself.
• 7:38
  And so definitely the primary responsibility of a mother, this is without exception, is nurturing and caring for her children.
• 7:48
  That's her primary responsibility. And so therefore in most situations, that's going to mean she does not work outside the home.
• 7:55
  And you should do everything you can to make sure that doesn't happen.
• 7:58
  So this is the first pillar. I would say, understand your roles. Like I said, it can in practice be a little different depending on the couple and the dynamics. But it's a. It's the principle is always applies, which is the man is the head of the household, he's the provider, he's protector, he's the head priest of the domestic church, and the wife submits to him. And the wife is the kind of heart of the household who is primarily responsible for the upbringing of the children.
• 8:26
  Okay, now the second pillar.
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  Find a solid parish. I am kind of going in order, by the way, on this.
• 8:33
  Find a solid parish. This is vitally important because this is your way in which your family will grow in the faith. It will be the community in which your family lives. And so the interactions, your friends and things like that, the friends of your kids often come from your parish.
• 8:51
  And so find a solid parish. Now, if there were no crisis in the church, that just means go your local parish. But we all know that there is a crisis in the church, otherwise you wouldn't be listening to crisis Point.
• 9:05
  And so therefore there are.
• 9:07
  It's rare when your local parish is a solid parish, sadly. So you need to find one. You need to find one because your job, remember this, it's very important. I'm talking to lay people who are married, having kids. Your job is not to fix your parish.
• 9:26
  That is not your responsibility to fix your parish. I'm not saying you should do things to harm your parish. I'm not saying you shouldn't do things to help your parish. I'm simply saying is not your vocation to fix your parish. Period. End of story.
• 9:38
  I see this all the time where people talk about, well, if the good families would just stay in a parish, they could help fix it up. No, that's not how it works. First of all, in practice, I've seen that. I've seen good families try to fix parishes. It just doesn't work. You just don't have the power.
• 9:52
  The priest, the parish council, certain people in the parish, they're the ones who have the diocese. That's who has the power. You do not have that.
• 9:58
  And so don't try to fix a failing parish anemically spirit, a spiritually anemic parish, don't try to fix it. Instead, find a solid parish. That might mean you have to drive. This is not ideal because if you're trying to build a community, it's not good. We have to drive half hour, 45 minutes to an hour to get to your parish makes it very difficult to have that solid community. But it might be necessary.
• 10:19
  I would also say this is important enough that you need to consider where you live. Based upon this one about finding a solid parish, this should be. Obviously the man has to be able to find a job and if he doesn't have a job where he can work from home, then he needs to be able to find in a place where he can get a good paying job to support his family. I get that. But that's just one factor in where you decide to live. Obviously you might want to live near extended family. That's also the ideal that, that's what you want to be near extended family, that's very important. But the parish is also the other thing that's very important.
• 10:52
  So you might need to consider moving to where there is a solid parish in order. This is to help your family.
• 10:59
  This is what will keep your family grounded in real life, in, in the, the being part of a parish, being part of a community, building friendships, building relationships, getting to know your, your priests, all that stuff that is so important, especially in today's world in which we're online so much and we live in kind of this fantasy world online. You need the grounding of being in a solid parish. So I, that, that's, that's second pillar is find a solid parish.
• 11:27
  Okay. The third pillar is pray the rosary daily.
• 11:30
  Now most of these pillars seem very, are kind of more general, but here's a very specific one. I didn't say pray daily. Obviously you should pray daily. You should have been doing that before you're married.
• 11:40
  What I'm saying is pray the rosary daily. Specifically the rosary.
• 11:45
  And I have found this is, this is from experience in my own, in my own family, when we were not praying the rosary daily, when I was not praying the rosary daily, things weren't going anywhere near as well. And by well, I don't mean like everything was, you know, people were getting jobs, people were doing, doing well, people weren't suffering. I'm just simply saying our spiritual life suffered when we don't pray the rosary daily. And so you pray the rosary daily. Now in my own family, I'm not saying we hit it every single day. There are. Because we always do it in the evening before bedtime. And there's times when we're out, often our parish or something like that late, and maybe we don't get the rosary and we try to. But definitely make every effort you can to pray the rosary daily as a family.
• 12:24
  Not saying you can't pray the Rosary on your own as well, but pray the Rosary daily. Family, yes, you should have other devotions, but that is going to be based upon your own. Again, family dynamics, what you do as a family, what each individual person in the family does as far as their family devotions. But every family, in my view, every Catholic family should pray the Rosary daily. This is key, it should be foundational to your family's prayer life is to pray the Rosary daily. So that's a pretty easy one to go to go through pillar number four, be very open to life.
• 12:59
  I know this is like a Catholic, something every Catholic should know anyway. But I mean it, I think we should take it more seriously.
• 13:08
  I think even good Catholics, they start to believe the lies of the world when it comes to having children.
• 13:17
  I don't mean in a selfish way, self centered way, but you start to hear how much, how expensive families are and how, how I mean having children are, you know, with college and with, you know, taking, sending the good schools and all the food and housing, all that stuff, clothes, all that, it's so expensive. That's a lie. It's a lie from the devil to keep you from having kids.
• 13:40
  You should be very open to life as much as possible. Again, I know there's situations in which people might have to delay having children or whatever the case may be through legitimate reasons.
• 13:52
  But I would just say you really, the default should always be being open to life, having as many kids as possible.
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  We've been blessed with seven children. We also had three miscarriages and it just, you couldn't convince me that one of them was a mistake or we shouldn't have had one. But having all of them has, I mean it's led to challenges having that many children. There's no question there are challenges that, that, that arise because of having a lot of children. But it is so worth it. It is. It is not as expensive as people say it is. And here's the thing, you make sacrifice based on it. If for example, you want to live in downtown Washington D.C. or New York City and have a big family, good luck, you're not going to be able for that.
• 14:36
  But what's more important, the nightlife of New York City or having a big family, you can live simply. I know people who have lived who sacrificed a great deal in order to have, to live, have a lot of children and they don't live, they don't take major family vacations, they don't have nice cars, they don't even have that big of a house.
• 14:57
  But it's worth it. It's worth. I'm just telling you if you're, especially if you're just starting off with your family life, be very open to life. And I'm.
• 15:06
  Here's what will happen if you are after about three or so, especially if you have three under the age of five, it will be very challenging in almost every family. I know it's like that. You're, first of all, you're, you're in a zone defense now. You're not playing man to man either. If they're all under five, they really are not on your team yet, so to speak. I always joke about that. Like until they're five, they're not on your team. After they turn five around then is when they start being helpful at times. I'm not saying they're always helpful. I'm just simply saying they stop being quite as much.
• 15:37
  Taking as much energy every moment to parent them is what I mean. So if you have three or even more under five, that's exhausting.
• 15:46
  But it does turn, it does start because what happens is the older children start getting much better at helping with the younger children.
• 15:53
  I mean, if you're dumped with, I don't mean dumped in a bad way, but if all of a sudden you had, you know, six kids out of the chute immediately, well, of course that's going to be incredibly hard.
• 16:03
  But if there's six kids every two years, those older kids are a big help for the younger kids. And it's not. My point of this is six kids, for example, ages 12 and under, I don't think is as hard as three kids ages five and under. As far as just by heart, I mean, the day to day, oh my gosh, I got to get through the day. I'm exhausted, whatever. So just be very open to life and you will be blessed, I guarantee it.
• 16:30
  Okay, Number five pillar number five for a Catholic, a good, solid Catholic family life. Keep discipline simple. What I mean by this is the discipline of your children. Obviously. Keep the discipline simple. I think there's just way too much psychoanalyzing. There's way too much just over overthinking of how to discipline children.
• 16:55
  First, let me make it clear you do need to discipline your children. I know a lot of families don't do that, it seems, and it gives you so much more work.
• 17:02
  I have seen this over and over again where parents, because they don't want to put in the effort, the kind of difficulty of disciplining their children, which is hard to do, especially in the early years when you first get started, because every kid is born with original sin. They're fallen, they're going to fight you. They're all selfish. They're all selfish little monsters when they're first born, when they're, when they're young. We love them, but that's what they are.
• 17:25
  And so it's hard to discipline them. When you tell him, no, Johnny, don't do that, and he starts screaming and kicking and everything like that. It's easy to give in. It's easy to give in, it's less work. But what happens is when Johnny gets to be 10 and you've continued to do that, now it's almost impossible to discipline him. It's so hard now you say, johnny, don't do that. There's almost no chance you can get him to do it. And then when he becomes a teenager, he's awful. It's, it's terrible for him, it's terrible for you. It's more work for you.
• 17:53
  It's more work for you as the parent to not discipline your children. It is to discipline them, especially early on.
• 17:59
  But keep it simple.
• 18:01
  I don't, I don't understand this whole thing with especially young children. I'm talking about before the age of reason particularly.
• 18:08
  They want to, they want to like explain to their kids why they're doing what they're doing.
• 18:14
  And I just don't get that they're, they reach the age of reason.
• 18:18
  You know what they need to learn? They need to learn that when mom says don't do this, you don't do it. And if you do do it, there is a negative consequence. Now what that punishment is, is up to the parent in the specific situation. It can range everything from a timeout to a talking to, to a, you know, a, a strong word to a spanking or whatever. There's lots of different. It just really depends.
• 18:40
  But the point is, is that it's not, it's not a negotiation with a five year old, but five year old's jumping up and down in the bed. You don't want to, you say, stop jumping up and down the bed. If he continues to do it, you have an immediate punishment, appropriate punishment right then and there. You don't keep saying it. You just say it once. And if he does it again, you don't explain it either. You just. Because that's the thing you have to learn as a young child is you just obey when mom and dad say to do something. Now when they get to be teenagers, it changes that. It's not the same thing there. Now you do have more talking to, more explaining, more trying to get them to understand why it is you're doing what you're doing. Because now they're more mature. You should. Obviously that's the case.
• 19:25
  But early on, if you establish that, that you are in charge, the mom and dad are in charge and the kids have to obey them. And this isn't a, a dick, what is it? Not dictatorship, but it's a benevolent dictatorship. It's not like you're being angry. That's the other thing is, that's the other problem with not discipline. You get more angry. If you don't discipline them, then you get more frustrated and that's when you get angry and you lash out. Instead, it's just a matter of they're jumping up on bed, you say, stop doing that. They don't stop doing it. Give them a punishment. No screaming or yelling or anything like that. You just give them the punishment. Now, again, not claiming to be a perfect father. I've got as impatient with my kids as any other dad on earth. I, you know, I get frustrated. I yell at them sometimes when they were younger, especially when I should have just disciplined them. All that is true of all of us. But in general, our principle should be just keep the discipline simple. Especially in the early ages. Tell them, make sure that the rules are very clear and then enforce them. But rigorously enforce them. If you set up a rule and then you don't enforce it, you didn't actually create the rule. So that's very important. I don't like any of the advice books and stuff like that about parenting, except for one person, Dr. Ray Guerindi. He's the only person my wife was able to convince me to read. And I think he's very good. I came. He's written a million books. I can't remember which one I read years ago. That's like been 25 years ago that I really liked. But Dr. Ray Guerindi, he gives very good advice of parenting, of just keeping it simple and things like that.
• 20:58
  Okay, that's pillar number five. Pillar number six, homeschool your children.
• 21:05
  I was going to name this something like, you know, be careful how you choose your schooling or don't, you know, whatever. No, I just said no. I'm just going to go all in and say homeschool. Your children don't send to public schools in general. I wouldn't even recommend sending them to traditional, like Catholic schools or anything like that. Again, I'm not saying there Aren't exceptions. This is general principles. Not every person has to apply it in their own life. But I really don't think people who don't homeschool realize how different homeschooling is from regular schooling, you know, going, sending your kid off to school, how much it changes the family dynamics, how much it changes family life in my mind, to the better. Like we, we sent our oldest daughter to a Catholic school, which was a fine. Catholic school is fine for the first couple years.
• 21:52
  Then we decide for mostly academic reasons to start homeschooling her and then her sister, who was then going into kindergarten.
• 22:00
  And we just. And we realized, though, after very short time, less than a year probably, we realized we don't love homeschooling because it's academically better. It was.
• 22:08
  But we love homeschooling because of how it changed our family dynamics. One of the things that traditional schooling does in today's world, I'm not saying this has always been the case, but in today's world is it's incredibly time consuming. It's incredibly stressful because you have to make sure you get your kid to school in the morning. You have to make sure he gets home at night, but then you have to make sure he's at his activities. He's got something. He's got the play practice, he's got the, you know, the recital, he's got the soccer, soccer practice. He's got the this and that. He's got all this stuff to do.
• 22:38
  It's just, I don't know any families that don't that send their kids to regular schools that aren't like running around like chickens with their head cut off. It's so much more peaceful to homeschool. I'm sorry, it's just so much more. It's not that you aren't doing things. We're very active. We go around, our kids are active doing things.
• 22:56
  But it's all on our schedule.
• 22:58
  It's all on our schedule. It's not like every afternoon at 3 o' clock I have to go pick up my kids at the Catholic school or something like that.
• 23:05
  It's like, okay, we want to do this, we want to do that. We want to schedule this, this, this event. We want to schedule this outing or something like that.
• 23:12
  There's so much freedom, so much freedom given to homeschoolers. It just. You wouldn't believe it if you, if you don't do it. Because ultimately, education is not just about knowledge, it's about really forming the person. And I think instead of kind of handing your kids off to, you know, strangers to form them. You should be forming them every day, all day really. So homeschool, especially in the early ages, I mean, obviously not gonna homeschool your kids in college. And I do understand some arguments for not homeschooling in high school. We homeschool all the way through high school and I think it's great and I totally advocate for that. But I do understand situations, especially in high school, where maybe there might be situations where it's not, not the best option for a family.
• 23:56
  But pillar number six is homeschool your family.
• 24:00
  Pillar number seven, reduce screen time. This wouldn't have been a pillar 30, 40 years ago as much as it is now.
• 24:09
  Every screen in your house is, is a portal for sewage to come into it.
• 24:17
  Imagine having a big hole in your wall where the sewage of the neighborhood just came in, into your house. Would you want to live like that? Would you want your home to be like that? Would you consider that a good, peaceful home life, healthy home life? Of course not.
• 24:31
  That's what every screen is in your house. Whether it's a computer screen, a cell phone screen, a TV screen, whatever the case may be, it's a portal for sewage to come in. You need to keep those things as locked up as possible.
• 24:45
  And that means, first of all, at very young ages, no screens whatsoever. A kid should not be. A two year old, should not be looking at a screen. I can't believe when I go out in public and I will see somebody who's maybe three years old, a kid three years old, who's just glued to their screen, they have their own iPad or phone or whatever and they're just, they're just glued to watching TikTok videos. I've literally seen this like a four year old watching TikTok videos at the airport.
• 25:11
  This is incredibly unhealthy.
• 25:14
  It's guaranteed to mess up your kids, mess up your family life. But I think even as Catholics who kind of know this, I really think I, I made this a pillar for a reason. I think in the modern world this is so important that you read that you keep the screen time to minimum. No screen time when they're very young, you know, before they're five and stuff like that, and, and then it's minimal after that. I mean, they should not have their own phones until they're at least 16. And even then if they have a smartphone, after that it should be completely locked down.
• 25:43
  This is a great thing. I realized, I found out not too long ago that I didn't know is my daughter, one of my daughters, who's 17 now, she needed a phone for work and things like that. And I was looking at all these different phones you can get like from that are kind of locked down and stuff like that. And I didn't like any of them. But I was talking to a buddy of mine and our, our family, we all have iPhones, all the adult kids and my wife and I, and he was like, you know, you can just lock down an iPhone, like really as much as you want.
• 26:14
  I said, really? And I had tried this with my son years before, and it wasn't that good. This was probably eight years ago or something like that. And so I was like, okay. And I looked into it. Sure enough, you can lock down an iPhone completely. So it only does texting and phone calls, for example, and only the context that you add that the person, the kid can't add, only you can add to the phone. So they can't be texting somebody they don't know or anything like that that you don't know or you don't want them texting with. You can, you can decide what they can see on the Internet. They can see nothing. They can see a little bit. I mean, it really is what apps they can, can be on there, things like that. So I just think that we need to recognize how dangerous screen time is for our children. Tv, computers, video games, phones, all that, and reduce it as much as possible. Reduce that screen time as much.
• 27:08
  Now that's pillar number seven. Pillar number eight follows from that, and that is be active. This is kind of a general category. What I mean by that is don't be couch potatoes. Now, our family tends to be a bunch of readers.
• 27:20
  Our couch potato ness is us sitting around reading a lot. And so obviously reading is good. I love reading, I love sitting around reading, but can't be doing that all the time. I mean, you need to be active. And by this, what I don't mean, what I don't mean by be active is mainly activities like, oh, I have to be on the, on this team. I have to be in this club. I have to be doing this play. I have to be doing this. That is actually not healthy to be. Have tons of activities. What I mean by being active, I mean you go out as a family and go on hikes. You're in nature a lot, you're outside a lot.
• 27:53
  You're, you know, being outside alone is what I mostly mean is because being out in nature, being outside is very healthy. It helps you relax, it helps, you know, your cortisol go down and your stress levels, all that stuff. It really gives peace to your family. Now I am a, I am a supporter of sports and some of my kids have played in sports. But there are so many dangers to today's sports. So many dangers to today's sports, especially like travel. Sports like travel, baseball and things like that. That I really think that, that baseball. I'm sorry, that sports, they're a danger these days. Youth sports are a danger. If you can find a healthy. Like when I was, when we were in, lived in Florida, my son and my daughter were playing baseball and fast pitch softball respectively.
• 28:38
  The leagues they were in were awesome because they would have one practice a week and maybe one, maybe two games a week and never anything on Sunday. So you might have a practice on Monday, a game on Tuesday, a game on Saturday, that's it. You might have a practice on Wednesday, a game on Thursday and that's it. But you never had more than three times a week did you have anything and that was the maximum. Sometimes you'd only have two and before the season starts, only one. And you never had anything scheduled for Sundays. That's, that's okay. That is healthy. There's nothing wrong with that. That's a very good thing.
• 29:12
  And so we, we enjoyed that. But as they get older, if they're good at a sport like my son was at baseball, all of a sudden now it's like the only competitive things competitive for him are travel, baseball and that gets crazy. And so I would really steer clear of overemphasizing sports in your family. They can be very healthy and be very good for kids, but they can also. They've gotten out of control in so many ways. Just I think the key here is be active, but don't over schedule activities. Just be active as a family and do things outside. Do things that are physically healthy and demanding and things like that.
• 29:50
  Okay, the next pillar, pillar nine. We're almost at the end here. The ten pillars, pillar nine set clear rules for children dating. As you can tell, I'm getting as the kids get older. Okay, at some point you're going to have to deal with this. Your kids are going to, are going to be interested in dating. If they're healthy kids. They are at least.
• 30:07
  So what do you do as a parent?
• 30:08
  I will. We've had the same rules for all our kids. We're going to have all the same rules and I very much believe in my rules. I'm not saying every a family doesn't follow these rules is doing it wrong. I'm simply saying I think this, the way we do it is it works for us. And that is absolutely no dating before they're 18.
• 30:26
  When they're 18, I consider them adult and I can't tell them what to do. I'll get to that. Actually, that's going to be part of pillar 10. But until they're 18, there's just no dating. None whatsoever. There's no, there's also no one on one texting with somebody of the opposite sex.
• 30:44
  So no texting, messaging with somebody, you know, direct messaging with somebody of the opposite sex, assuming they're old enough to have, you know, being able to have texting and messaging, things like that. Just, you just don't do it.
• 30:56
  I've seen a lot of problems when people start, when kids start dating before they're 18 and, or when, especially when they're very intimately connected to each other through texting. I, I just think it, it can, it can cause a lot of problems. So no dating until they're 18 has, has been our role.
• 31:15
  No, like I said, no texting. Like I said, I have a lockdown iPhone for my daughter and, and until she's 18. So she can't do it unless I, you know, I, she can't text somebody unless I approve it.
• 31:26
  But there should be. Now here's the other, here's the flip side of this. There should be lots of socially hanging out with groups of mixed sex, of mixed genders.
• 31:37
  They should be. If, if you have a daughter, she should be hanging out with groups of boys and girls.
• 31:42
  Son, same thing. There should be lots of interaction. You know, you're not, you're not, obviously somebody has a, excuse me, a very early vocation to like becoming a nun or something like that. That's one thing.
• 31:56
  Even then, though, young men, young women should be spending time together.
• 32:01
  I think the problem is a lot. The problem maybe in my audience might be a little bit of an overreaction to the problems of the culture. The problems of culture is there's way too much intimacy between boys and girls way too early, an inappropriate intimacy.
• 32:14
  But the reaction shouldn't be, okay, we're not going to let you know, my, I'm not going to let my daughter ever be around a boy or anything like that. No, you want them hanging out with, in these mixed gender groups because that's how they learn. First of all, how do boys interact with girls? How do girls interact with boys? Also for girls, what kind of boys are interesting to her? What Kind of boys are not for boys. Same thing. What kind of girls are interesting? What kind of girls are not? All those things you need to learn.
• 32:41
  And so they do need to have lots of opportunities. I think, for example, dances are a great thing if you can find a way to have your kids involved in dances or organize them yourself because that's a great interaction where the boys and girls have to be. They're kind of in a forced activity, but that's very public and very healthy. Where they're together and they're dancing and things like that.
• 33:01
  That can be great. But you need to set the clear rules. You need to make sure before it even becomes an issue that your kid knows. Because you don't want your kid all of a sudden becoming interested in somebody. And then you say, oh, by the way, now I didn't tell you, you can't date for another three years if they know ahead of time. There's no, it's all set expectations. Everybody knows what to expect. The people who are, who might be wanting to court your children know and, and vice versa. So it just sets it.
• 33:31
  Okay, pillar number 10. Final pillar. Drum roll. Become an advisor of your adult children. What I mean by this is I think I've seen that when your children grow, I have, like I said, four adult children and who are out of the house, they're living on their own. They're all what I would consider successful.
• 33:53
  And I think they are. Three of them are married.
• 33:57
  And this is a challenge for parents, but you need to transition into an advisor. You're not, you're not, you shouldn't be telling them what to do when they're adults. And I really think this transition starts when they, when they turn 18. I'm not saying it's like a one day on, off switch. You should be moving towards it and kind of moving, moving towards becoming an advisor as they get towards 18 and moving away from becoming a kind of a direct parent after they turn 18. It's not like overnight, but it should be. You should not be a helicopter parent who's like, your kid's off at college, he's, he's 21 and you're constantly. And you have like his location on your phone, you're checking in with him, what is he doing and, and all this stuff that's, that's not healthy.
• 34:41
  The kid needs to be able to be free and be on their own and so become an advisor for your adult children, even if they're living at home. Let's say you have a daughter who is Going to stay, living home, which I think is fine, by the way. I don't think there's anything wrong with your daughter wanting to live at home until she gets married.
• 34:57
  But you're. You're now an advisor. Obviously, if somebody lives in your house, you can set certain rules they have to follow. Anybody who's under your roof has to follow rules. I don't care how old they are.
• 35:06
  But at the same time, you're not parenting them in the same way. And I think this can be a challenge. And so you really should look at yourself as more of not your. Not their friend. I mean, you can be not. You're not friends with them, but it's not. It's not like one of their buddies. You're not. That's not what I'm saying. You're still an authority figure for them, but now it's an advisor in. In an advisory role, not in a direct. Okay, you have to do what I tell you type of role. Like it is when they're younger. Okay, so those are the ten pillars of Catholic family life. Let me just review them again. We have. Number one is. Hold on a second. Mess that up. Number one is understand your roles between the man and the woman. Very important. Number two, find a solid parish.
• 35:49
  Number three, pray the rosary daily.
• 35:53
  Number four, be very open to life.
• 35:56
  Number five, keep your discipline of your children simple.
• 36:00
  Number six, homeschool your children.
• 36:04
  Number seven, reduce screen time in your family.
• 36:08
  Number eight, be active but not obsessed with activities.
• 36:13
  Number nine, set clear rules for your children's dating.
• 36:17
  And number ten, become an advisor when your children become adults.
• 36:22
  Okay, I'm going to wrap it up there. I hope this was helpful for people that they're able to. If you're just getting started, marriage is a wonderful thing. Being a parent is a wonderful thing. God bless you. If you've been doing it for years and maybe you haven't been doing things as well as you could be, you always have a chance to do better. I feel like that all the time that I'm trying to constantly improve, I've been doing for 29 years. I have a long ways to go still.
• 36:47
  And so just don't be discouraged. Don't give in. But I think if These are your 10 pillars, your family life, I think there's a good chance you're going to have a solid Catholic family life and that your children will turn out well. Obviously they have free will. They turn out how they turn out in some ways, but God will bless, I think, your marriage and your family.
• 37:06
  Okay. Everybody until next time. God love you. And remember the poor.