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Sober Talk SA -Amanda T · Sober Talk SA

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If you or anyone you know is struggling with alcohol, please
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call Alcoholics Anonymous on 1300 double 22222 or check out
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their website on aa.org dot AU. I'll just run through the
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preamble of Alcoholics Anonymous.
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Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who
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share their experience strengthen up with each other.
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They must so they come problems and help with us to recoup from
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alcoholism. The only requirement for
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membership is a desire to stop drinking.
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There are no Jews at fees for a membership.
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We are self support through our own contributions.
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A is not allied with any second nomination.
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Politics, organization or institution does not wish to
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engage in any controversy, neither endorses or oppose any
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causes. Our primary purposes Stay sober
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and help other Alcoholics achieve sobriety.
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Hi everyone. My name is Amanda and I'm
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grateful. Recovered alcoholic.
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What a privilege and an honor it is for you inviting me here to
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speak today. My own.
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The group is an online meeting which is in West Virginia and I
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get it mixed up every time, whether it's Point Pleasant or
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Pleasant Valley or whatever it is.
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But it's a a great bunch of, you know, people that I truly love
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and it's a big book study. And in Australia we can meet at
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11:30 AM on a Tuesday morning, but I think in the US over there
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at 7:30 PM Eastern Time on a Monday night.
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Hope I got that right. It's not advertised on any of
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the social media but if you you know you'd like to join us
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anytime, we'd love to have you and I can get those numbers out
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to you. My sobriety date is the 16th of
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March 2013 and I'm living at a little coastal town in Australia
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by the beach. And I know that that sounds
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really, really great and all the rest of it, but it's very
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isolated. So I'm I'm very thankful for Zen
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and you know that I can reach out and meet members all over
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the world and it's a you know and I'm so glad that you invited
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me here to speak tonight. I hope that something I say
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comes from my heart and reaches your heart.
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And I feel very, very blessed that I'm sober today by the
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grace of God. And I never ever would have
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thought in a million years that there was a time where I could
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get a sober day just 124 hour day.
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And the miracle of this program don't ever give up hope, you
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know God's, God's out there somewhere.
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And and I can't explain, you know, I'm going to try and
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explain my story, but some of the bits of it, I just can't put
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the words to it because it can't be explained.
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And I'm going to start right back and I know that this is
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going to sound a little bit weird but but anyway, it just
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goes to show that I believe that I was born an alcoholic.
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Because when I was a baby I was restless, irritable and
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discontent and I cried and cried and cried all the time.
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And back then it was an old myth or whatever.
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I mean, it was just what was done.
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My mother used to put Brandy in my bottle and that used to shut
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me up and put me to sleep. So, you know, I grew up in an
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alcoholic time where, you know, it cured all ills.
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If I was sick, you know, if I had a cold or whatever, you
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know, my dad would give me a bit of rum and he'd say that'd fix
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it, you know, and and it was just it was just the norm.
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It was just normal that that was that, you know the way that I
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grew up and and so I didn't think that there was anything
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other than every occasion that was involved.
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You know, there was grog. There was always grog.
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It was everything revolved around when when my dad when my
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mom when you know, I got old enough where we could drink.
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And I know as a kid I was one of those kids that was really I was
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really scared. I know it's hard to, you know,
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imagine because now I'm really, really loud and I wasn't back
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then. I don't know why but you know,
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I'm loud. I'm, I, I, I believe that I've
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been blessed with that gift of enthusiasm AKA DD or whatever
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they call that nonsense. But you know I was always
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scattering. I was always in here.
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I was frightened of everything. But I I can remember that I get
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this pity in my stomach because my dad was my drinking partner.
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He's a truck driver and mum threw me in the truck with Dad
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and bless his heart he still drink can and he's on you know
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this disease to look at that man he's he's like death walking and
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he never got this program and he never had the opportunity to
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live a different way And I can see the effects and alcohol when
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and how. It's a painful slight death.
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It's awful to watch but nevertheless you know that's his
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journey and sometimes some of us do die so that the other so that
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we can appreciate and and be thankful for what we do with
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that and this this disease kills.
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I didn't know that that was my problem.
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You know, when I was at school, I was, you know, always the one
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that sorted, hung by myself. I was always too scared of
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people. I never really fitted in any
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way. I didn't like who I was.
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And I and I, you know, as I got older, I, I, I I just grew up
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not understanding life or how to react or you know, it was a
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violent kind that I grew up in and and that sort of had its own
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whatever. But I just knew that, you know,
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a drink would fix it. A drink would fix it for me.
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It would ease that big hurt. As soon as I took that first
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mouthful, I'd go, oh, that feels better.
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I love the effects produced by alcohol.
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I loved what it did to me and how it stopped that race in
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mind. Ella, I didn't know the drink
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was my problem. And I went on, you know, in life
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and I had a big career. And I had, you know, I got
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married and I had two beautiful daughters and made a lot of
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money and a lot of big hair, Allison.
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And it was always noisy. It was always heaps of people
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around. It was such a social outing and
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it was always about how much alcohol do we need.
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And I drank with people that drank like I did and I loved it.
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I get that that little pity me stomach, all the flutterbys or
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whatever you want to call them. When I knew I was going to the
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pub because I hung around pubs and clubs and I love the smell,
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I love the taste, I loved all the bullshit that went with it.
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And you know, when I was like this, like a Sparrow finding an
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emu, I was so full of myself and full of cheekiness and and I
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just loved it. I love the atmosphere.
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I just, you know, and if I, my father had taught me, if I
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needed anything in life then I'd go to the park, you'd find it.
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So if I needed gardening done, you know, a tree chopped down, I
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don't find a tree tree chopper regiana at at the pub.
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If I wanted a filmer, I'd go to the pub.
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If I wanted a job, I'd go to the pub.
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If I wanted to get in your car, I'd go to the pub.
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My dad had taught me everything he knows and I still need
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nothing he'd say to me today. And he taught me how to play
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pool and and of course I was the best pool player and I was the
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best singer and the best dancer and I was chicky as chicky and
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it was all fun. It was all fun until it wasn't.
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My alcohol isn't progressing me and that behind that I had that
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loving marriage that was, you know, that I thought was a a a
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normal marriage, which, you know, we parted ways and for
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four years after that marriage ended, I got to drink the way
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that I I wanted to. I tried to.
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I tried to. My whole world fell apart.
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I didn't want any that I'd lost it all.
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But the biggest thing that was in my mind that I'd lost was the
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house, the material external. The house was my big thing in my
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mind. Oh no, my dream home's gone.
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It was all about local wood. And I had an ego so big that it
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was, you know, I I I wasn't very nice to people.
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I yelled at my kids. I I caused drama.
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There was always chaos. There was always some all of the
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new that was going on and it was always Grogg involved.
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And I drink and I black out and I would never remember until I
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passed out. And then by the end of my
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drinking, it became I couldn't draw a sober breath.
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I couldn't go a minute without a drink.
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If I wasn't drinking right then there I was thinking about
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drinking. If I just do this, I can go and
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get a drink. And where was I going to get
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that? How much money did I have?
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How can I afford it? It didn't matter whether my
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bills weren't paid as long as I had that alcohol, and I did that
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for four years. I took up in my Vista and I took
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up. There's a game over here in
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Australia. I don't know with, you know it,
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but it's called lawn bowls and at lawn bowls you can drink
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while you're bowling. So I thought I was doing really,
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really great, you know, doing some sport.
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But I was drinking and you know, everybody had left.
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The game had finished and we'd all had our shouts and whatnot,
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but I'd be there to close. I got to a stage where there's a
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pub in Alstonville in the town that I lived at, which I don't
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live at anymore. I've I've I did a big move and
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and I'd go to the pub and they'd say that you know you can't
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serve me and they can't serve me anymore.
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I've had enough after and I'd say oh you know I was really
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cheeky and disrespectful. They're only doing their job and
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covering their own you know selves for you know fines and
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things. But I'd I'd be cheeky and I'd
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resisted going and I was defiant and I'd come out with some smart
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aleck comment like you know that's if you're too busy I'll
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help me sells for whatever. I had a cheeky mouth.
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I had a garden mouth and my language was appalling and but
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I'd stumble home after they kicked me out from that one
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water and a hole in the town and and I'd walk home or stumble and
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it'd be early hours in the morning, 2:00 or 3:00 in the
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morning. And I there was this, there was
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this church on the corner and it's a big 150 year old stone
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church. And I'd stop there every time I
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walked home from the pub. I'd sit there on the brick fence
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and I'd look up at the cross and I'd cry and I'd cry and I'd cry
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and I'd say God, you know, please help me, these men.
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And no disrespect to you men, but I blamed you.
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I blamed the men for everything that was wrong in my life and
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still to these day that pains my heart that I could be so selfish
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and so disrespectful. I thought a man was going to fix
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me. That has taken a long lesson to
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realize that it's not your job. You meant to fix Amanda, but I
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thought it was. And yeah, it still still brings
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tears to my eyes. The the pain that I've caused,
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you know, the opposite sex, so to speak.
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And I'm I anyway. And I'd look up at that cross
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and I'd ask God figure. And I'd do this over and over
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and over and over again. I mean, I'd attempted suicide
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multiple times, so I couldn't end it that way.
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I just wanted to die. I didn't want to be on this
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earth. I couldn't see that there was
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any joy in life. I couldn't see the gratitude for
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having two beautiful daughters who were teenagers by that
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stage. Or one was 18 when we got
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divorced and the other one was 14.
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And I couldn't see where, you know, my my mistakes and my
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faults had, you know, contributed to that marriage.
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And I was resentful at my ex-husband.
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I was so resentful at him because he left me.
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Thank God he did. Today I can see that from the
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other side. What a blessing he did.
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And he didn't know he was doing that God loving.
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But it made me get to a point. Thankfully, I got to a point
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where I got a chance to be done. And anyway, my last spender was
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three days. I was drunk, you know, it was
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blackout drinking. I I couldn't even, you know,
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tell you. There was a moment there where I
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think I recalls some flashing blue lights.
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It was always police and drama and chaos evolved.
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And I think I kissed a girl at some stage.
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I don't know what I did but you know I I'd have walked around
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for three days blind one drunk trying to get more drink and and
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with no sleep and in a black out and I was on the Sunday and I
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woke up out of that black out and I didn't realize and and I
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wasn't 1 to get sick I didn't puke when I drank I just topped
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up chopped up and chopped up each day and and I woke up and I
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had puke oil in my hair. I stunk and I could not move my
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arms and I could not move my legs and I was in the most
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horrendous pain that I'd ever been in and I could not believe
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that You know what What was going on?
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I was so sick I didn't realize that I'd vomited all up the
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stairs. And my daughter, God bless her,
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my eldest daughter, she had to clean up that I reached this
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state of pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization
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and I left it for everybody else to clean up my mess.
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I went to the doctors and the doctor that, you know, I
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promised this doctor. I yelled him in really, really
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high regard. And I get really emotional
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because, you know, I just so thankful I don't have to live
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that way today. That's not who I am.
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And when when I look back at at, you know, the things that got me
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to where where I had to get and that that's that's how it is.
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I went to the doctor and the doctor said to me now, I
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promised this man, God bless him, I promised him that I would
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not try to attempt to take my life again.
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So I held this man in a high regard.
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I don't know what it was about this doctor, but I am so
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thankful to that man today. And he said to me, he said,
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Amanda. He said if you pick up a drink
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again, you will die. Now I cannot explain what
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happened because all I wanted to do was die.
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But something up here clicked, and for the first time in many,
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many years, I said I I thought to I don't.
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I don't want to die. I believe the obsession to drink
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was renewed from that instant, just like that.
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I didn't know life without drinking.
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I didn't know life without pubs and clubs.
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I didn't know life without how to communicate with people or be
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around people and not drink. I couldn't stop drinking and I
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couldn't stop starting now from that instant.
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That was on the Monday. On the Tuesday.
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I got a phone call from a a a friend at the time who said to
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me, Amanda, would you like to go to an Alcoholics Anonymous
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meeting? And I went, oh, what's that?
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And she said, oh, well, you know, she and she tried to
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explain it. I I can't remember what she
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actually said to me. But I said, OK, because my
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little social butterfly, you know, events that have been in
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the past would go into the pub and be in the, you know, the big
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woman in the pub and, you know, loving everybody and carrying on
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like a pork chop. I couldn't do that anymore
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because I was. Oh, the doctor said I can't
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drink and I didn't want to. I can't.
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I can't. I can't even understand that.
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So he presented that, you know, another event.
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Oh, well, I'll just go. I'll find out what it's all
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about. I don't know.
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I know that I can't drink, but yeah, OK.
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It's nothing. It was so surrounding for Amanda
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and I thought I. And when the doctor had told me
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that, you know, I would if you drink again, you'll die.
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I mean, I wasn't, you know, happy about that.
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You know, I was a blubbering mess.
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I'd lost me best friends and I thought, well, what am I going
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to do? So anyway, she picked me up and
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she took me to that meeting was on a Tuesday night at 7:30 in a
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little town called Alstonville on the northern rivers of
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Australia. And I walked in there and there
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was this lady, and she was a little bit shorter than me.
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And she had really, really curly hair.
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And her name was Wanda and she had that cheery cheery face and
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she come up to me and I'm. I'm crying the eyes out.
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I'm not even there. I'm all of it.
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No. I'm like, oh, I don't know what
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you know what's going on. You know, the whole world's
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falling apart. I wasn't singing.
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Yeah, Zippity Doo dah. She come up and she gave me a
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hug and she hugged me and like still to this day to remember
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that hug. It was so heartfelt and she said
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welcome. Now that meeting was at the the
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church that I used to stand out the front of.
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It was in the community hall right next door to that church.
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So I believe that God. I asked God for help and he sent
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me to you guys in our Corrects Anonymous.
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I was sat in that room and I didn't.
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I don't, I was all foggy. I didn't recall, you know, what
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was being said, but I just knew that there was people sitting
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around there and because it was a small town, there was some of
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the people sitting around the table with people that I used to
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drink at with the the pub. And I thought I they are
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drinking cups of tea. Yeah.
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I found like what can he, you know, they're not drinking.
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Well, what what happened to them?
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I hadn't seen that for a while. So I stayed and I stayed and
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they just they they loved me. They they came and got me.
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They took me to meetings. I didn't understand.
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I was crazy. I dressed like I was going to
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the pub and not not respectfully in any way.
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I was had a foul mouth but I can remember all oh Jack, he said to
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me he pulled me aside and he he, you know, he he he told his
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story and I'd heard it a couple of times and you know, and I
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thought, oh man, this this man is, you know amazing.
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He's an elderly gentleman. I mean he he was an old trimer
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and he'd come up to me and he said Amanda, he said.
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You've got a huge resentment against your ex-husband.
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And I said, oh, you think? And he said, I suggest you pray
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for him. Now I didn't know how to pray.
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And I said OK, Jack. And he said whenever you get
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asked to do anything in Alcoholics Anonymous, you say
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yes. And I said OK, Jack, I'll do
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that. So anyway, I went home and, you
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know, I went, I prayed for that man and I didn't know what I was
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praying to or what or what, what to say.
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But anyway, things didn't change.
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And old Jack come back to me. And he said, Amanda, he said,
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will you do? Are you doing what I suggested
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you do? Are you praying for that man?
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And I said, yeah. And he said, what sort of
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prayers are you using? And I said, I pray his truck
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blows up. Now Jack looked at me and he and
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he smiled and he said, oh, bless your heart, Manda.
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He said, how about you do this? And he told me how to pray.
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You guys taught me how to pray. I had no understanding of how to
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pray so well. I'm in our colleagues anonymous.
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So I didn't. I didn't comprehend well and I
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didn't understand or or, you know, I couldn't really.
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I bought a big book, but I hadn't read it.
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I didn't have a sponsor. I hadn't done the steps.
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And I just went to AI event some meetings and I was still crazy.
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But, you know, I was having fun doing it because it was a little
21:50
outing for Amanda and something else to do instead of, you know,
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going to the pub get me sober. But my mind hadn't changed.
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All I was with just not drinking.
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And I got to a point where I got to a point in my life again
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where I felt so alone and that nobody loves me, which wasn't
22:14
true. And then I just wanted to die.
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I'd been given a precious gift and the ungratefulness and the
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action that I hadn't not taken and I hadn't done anything.
22:27
I just wanted it all really easily.
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And I hadn't done the steps. I hadn't got a sponsor, and I
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didn't know what I was doing, and I just wanted to die.
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I wasn't going to drink again. I just wanted to kill myself.
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And as it turns out, God in all his, you know, mysterious
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miraculous ways put a lady in my path.
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And I was then introduced to a big book sponsor and she took me
22:56
through the steps and my life. I from then on changed.
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And you know, I didn't know that there was work that I had to do
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and I didn't know that I was selfish and self-centered.
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I didn't know that taking inventory was a spiritual
23:14
process. It was a spiritual action.
23:17
I did not know that all the steps have spiritual actions.
23:20
And I thought, oh, I thought this was an interthinking
23:23
program. It's not an interthinking
23:27
program. It's a, you know, I thought I
23:29
was going to get it by osmosis off the chair that I was sitting
23:33
at at the meeting. I had to take some action.
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I had to take, you know, the the and it and it and it's painful
23:41
at times that that was for me to get over yourself and let God
23:46
take the reins and listen with my actual ears and hear with my
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heart what you guys were saying. Because it was all, it was all
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just fun and games for me. It was like, oh, you know, I I
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didn't want to be an alcoholic. And I wasn't.
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I wasn't like you. I was Amanda.
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I was unique. I was different for a very long
24:12
time in Alcoholics Anonymous and I used to identify less me
24:18
little art, as my name's Amanda and I'm alcohol dependent now.
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I did not want to say that I was an alcoholic, 'cause that's my
24:30
dad and I'm not like my dad. And it took me a long time to
24:36
admit who I was. I was a little bit blonder back
24:41
then. There isn't any difference.
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I didn't know that, but it's because the doctor had said it
24:47
to me that way, bless his heart. He didn't tell me why I was an
24:52
alcoholic, but he knew. Now that man the I'm just gonna
24:59
because that mean I read, you know when I and I took the steps
25:02
in it. You know when I got a service
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position in Alcoholics Anonymous and and you know when I did all
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the suggested things, finally, that they'd told me to do and
25:12
that they've been telling me for years and I loved Alcoholics.
25:18
Synonymous. I loved the path that I had to
25:20
My God, I I I didn't rely on everybody else fixing me as as
25:29
much as I had in the past. But I'm not saying it that way.
25:31
It didn't. I still had defects of
25:34
character. I still only half did things and
25:38
and thankfully so because I got to a stage where I thought I
25:43
knew everything and you guys knew nothing again And and there
25:47
was another turning point and it wasn't until I was in enough
25:50
pain and I had a real good look at who is who is Amanda and who
25:54
do I think I am. And try and smash that lemon ego
25:59
of mine, which is so high that I could finally get a little bit
26:03
of Peace of Mind and a little bit of humility.
26:06
I made my amends to, you know, my family and and now I'm just
26:17
in China. So I don't know how how much
26:18
time I've spoken for or how much time I've got left.
26:21
If somebody wants to tell me, please.
26:24
But for about another, if you wanted, 10 minutes, 15 next.
26:31
Yep. Thank you.
26:32
I just want to touch on my latest experience within last
26:39
year. I mean we're early into this
26:42
year and I had a lot saying it from a past perspective but you
26:46
know in February last year and and I don't know whether she's
26:50
on the screen here but my sponsor I don't know how this
26:55
happened but through COVID thankfully I got on to Zoom and
26:59
I started seeking meetings everywhere and and you know and
27:03
it and it's just amazing the people that I've met what a
27:06
blessing. You know I believe Bill W was a
27:09
a visionary and in the, you know, forward there in the
27:12
beginning of the book, he says modem to modem face to face on
27:17
computers. I mean there's all sorts of
27:19
forms of meetings and the connection even though
27:22
physically I'm not connected with you know you guys here on
27:25
the screen. You know I live on the other
27:27
side of the world. But spiritually, my heart and
27:31
your hearts, I mean that the group that I have, they love me.
27:35
They just love me. You know, God loves me.
27:38
You know how I know God loves our keys?
27:40
Because he made so damn many of us and we're everywhere that we
27:45
share in a common problem. And there's a common solution.
27:47
And that's in our big book. If you knew here on the screen,
27:52
just don't ever give up trying. Don't ever give up trying.
27:57
And I found for a long time that it was really, really hard.
28:01
It's not a weakness. I thought it was a weakness for
28:03
Amanda to ask people it's a strain to ask for help sponsor
28:12
others and and you know and I just do the best of my ability
28:16
and I try to be kind to people today and I try to be self
28:20
forgetting and try fighting. You know just do the best that I
28:25
can do and forgive others and take the league.
28:27
When I asked you and and not gossip I mean that was a hard
28:30
one that could all gossip and you know I love you good old
28:32
gossip that was hard to change my ways.
28:38
But in February this year my sponsor from West Virginia who I
28:40
would never have imagined in a million years that this was even
28:43
possible, came to Australia and spent nine beautiful amazing,
28:48
amazing days with me that last year that was in February.
28:52
That's nearly 12 months ago and it's a delight.
28:56
We've known each other forever. Now there's people on this
28:59
screen, They're a part of the Home group that I'm part of
29:03
online. They were with us every step of
29:06
that journey. We had the most amazing,
29:09
amazing, fun filled, laughter, tears, you know, another
29:15
spiritual experience. I mean, I could never have
29:19
imagined that that woman would have flown all the way across
29:25
the world just to spend 9 days with me here in Australia doing
29:30
crazy things. She sat at my table and she took
29:34
me back through the steps of our clients.
29:36
Mum, what a gift. I could have missed all that.
29:43
So I'll thank God that somewhere that intuitive thought to seek
29:48
out different ways and ways of trying to you know, I don't know
29:53
just do this deal the best that I can.
29:57
So thanks for letting me share. Thanks for inviting me to this
30:01
you know meeting. I'm very, very grateful that I
30:04
got an opportunity and I hope something that I've said today
30:07
is health just don't give up and just try what's the worst that
30:11
can happen. You might get well and sober yay
30:14
goody and lead a beautiful life today and don't have to react
30:18
badly like I did for many, many years.
30:21
So thank you everybody. We have local meetings for the
30:26
full week in the local area. Monday is Gala meeting at 8:00,
30:31
Tuesday is Elizabeth Easter at 8:00, Wednesday is Elizabeth
30:37
Easter at 8:00, Thursday is 2 Wells at 8:00, and Friday is
30:42
Salisbury at 8:00. There's a meeting at Devron Park
30:46
at 12:00, and on Sunday there's a meeting in Salisbury at 7:00
30:51
and many of the meetings in the area.
30:55
For details of your local meetings, please phone 1300
31:00
double 22222. And once again, if anyone you
31:04
know is struggling with alcohol issues, please call Alcoholics
31:07
Anonymous on 1300 double 22222, the website isaasa.org dot AU.