Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S2 Ep18: Shayne of the Minute 🤣

Transcript

S2 Ep18: Shayne of the Minute 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Let's talk about me for a moment.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: We'll start with some basics.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I live across the street from a 7-Eleven, alright?
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's not funny yet, but okay, cool.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: I uh I drink a lot of Mountain Dew, okay?
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's like my only vice.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I drink a lot of Mountain Dew.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm in that 7-Eleven constantly drinking Mountain Dew, okay?
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Getting refills.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm in there so often that everyone who works in that 7-Eleven, they have a nickname for me.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: When they see me, they call me Mountain Dew Guy.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Do you guys know how much Mountain Dew I have to drink not to have the nickname Throat Tattoo Guy?
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: It is a lot.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's so much Mountain Dew, you guys.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's a lot.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's a for me to walk in at 7-Eleven and the guy to be like, Mountain Dew guy, and the new guy who works here would be like, not throat or face tattoo guy?
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: He drinks more Mountain Dew than the fact that he ruined his life by tattooing his face.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: The guy's like, yeah, what aren't you getting about this?
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, uh, I also know it was a bad idea to tattoo my face, just so we're all on the same page, okay?
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: I uh when I tattooed my face, I well I didn't.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: When I got my face tattooed, when I got my face tattooed, I was like, there will be positives and there will be negatives, you know?
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna be honest with you guys.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: It has been mostly negatives so far, okay?
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: I can't even think of one positive.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna be real with you guys.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: Uh so I'm here to make you laugh tonight, but I'm also here to say if some of you are thinking about tattooing your face, probably don't, okay?
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: I saw I saw some of you come in and I don't think you could handle it.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, it's not could not hack it.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's rough out here.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Uh all my tattoos are real.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: I shouldn't have to say that.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes after shows, I meet people and they're like, wow, crazy, man, you look crazy.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Are those all real?
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I have to be like, what are you talking about right now?
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: Of course they're real.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: What do you think I drew all these on today?
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: I just wake up every day and draw these on?
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what would I stand to gain from drawing fake tattoos on my throat and face?
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: I just wake up every morning and I'm drawing them on, like, you know what?
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: I just want old people to be afraid of me.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I'm about, you know?
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: I just wake up every day and draw tattoos on my fingers, like, I just want to struggle in job interviews, you know?
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: One time after a show, a lady comes up to me and she's like, Don't be so hard on yourself.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, Thank you so much.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: Will you give me a job?
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: And she was like, It's nice meeting you.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: Come back.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: I need work.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: I travel a lot for this job.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: This is my only job, which is probably not good.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: But you know what?
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm uh I travel a lot, and people in other places, they're like pretty cool.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: Not very many people care about my tattoos.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I live here in Utah.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: I gotta say, uh, some of you are not on board, okay?
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: I have a lot of weird experiences here that don't happen anywhere else.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'll give you an example.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: Once I got done with a show, uh, I'm here in Utah, I get done with the show, and an older gentleman comes up to me afterwards.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: So old.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: So, so old, you guys.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever have you ever seen someone so old that if they were getting in the driver's side of a car, you'd be like, uh, is anybody else seeing this right now?
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: Do I have to stop?
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: Am I the one?
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: How close are we to a farmer's market?
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what is the danger level here?
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: Is what and he's so old, and he comes right up to me and he goes, Hey man, I love your comedy.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Good job.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: Staying off the streets.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even know what that means.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: Off the what?
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: Where did you learn how to talk like that?
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: What are you the coolest guy at your retirement home?
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: He's just like, I'm the Tupac of my friend group.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what?
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: Just assumes I'm gangster because I have lots of tattoos.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: I am not gangster.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: That's not how it works at all, okay?
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm the least gangster person ever.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: I cry at the end of Toy Story 3 like everybody else, okay?
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: That guy cried so hard, alright?
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: You know, me and him, a lot of crying, okay?
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, man, just not gangster.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: It just makes no sense.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: I got done.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: Here's another thing.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm at a grocery store, I get in line behind this lady, just a regular lady, nothing going on.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: She doesn't notice me get in line behind her, she's standing there, she turns around, she sees me, and she makes this noise.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, oh, uh-huh.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: And then she left.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: She just left.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: With all her stuff.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like, yeah, uh, pretty sure she's stealing right now.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Is anybody?
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Is anybody else watching her, you know?
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: They were not.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, yeah, so pretty sure she got away with like a lot of free stuff.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Uh oh man.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: You guys would be surprised to know though, despite all the weird interactions I have with people who like are weird about my tattoos or don't know what it's like to have tattoos, the weirdest interactions, my least favorite interactions, are always with other people who are heavily tattooed.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Not a fan of other heavily tattooed people, okay?
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm calling it.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's not good.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: I know everything I need to know about another guy with a lot of tattoos, you know.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: Your parents hit you.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: School was hard.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: You like to bring a snake to the park, you know?
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: I get it, you know?
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to have these weird conversations with guys.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's terrible.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: Uh as my life is a complete disaster.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: I sneezed on a baby recently.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's a thing I did.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: I was holding a baby and I had to sneeze, and I just hard sneezed into its face.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: So hard.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: And my friend is standing there, he's like, hey man, uh, real quick, uh, did you just sneeze in my son's face?
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, yeah, yeah, I did that.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: And he was like, why?
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, well, I'm I have the baby, and I was like, I gotta sneeze, so I could I was like, I could drop the baby or I could sneeze on this baby right now.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: You know, those are my two options.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: And he was like, why?
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: You could turn your head and sneeze the other way.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, that third option was not apparent at the time, you know?
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: It just didn't occur to me in the moment.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, you need help.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I do, though.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: You know, at least I'm not from Wyoming.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: I have that going for me.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: Oof.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: I get it from my mom.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: She's a crazy person.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: Does anyone else relate to that?
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: She's a wild woman, alright?
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: Those people get it.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: And so my mom, she's here's a a thing that happened recently.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: I laughed at my mom so hard in public that she started yelling at me.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the backstory.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever, by the way, laughing so hard, like falling down in the aisle at the grocery store.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I laughed, here's what happened.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: She told me her dog had diabetes, okay?
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I started laughing so hard.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: No, it's so fat.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Of course it does.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's so big.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: And she was like, it's not funny.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: How could I have known he has diabetes?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, probably, because he looks like a propane tank with legs.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: That's how.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: There were so many clues.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: He's huge.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: Of course he's diabetic.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: And then also, you feed him people food all the time.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: I caught her feeding him Doritos Locos Tacos from Taco Bell once.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, why are you why are you feeding him the more expensive tacos?
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: She it's true, she goes, he prefers them.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: I said, what?
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: Did he tell you that?
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: What is happening here?
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: Also, he's a chihuahua.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: We get it, you know?
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's ridiculous.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: My mom, so we're we're a Jewish family.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: She names the dog Mazletov, okay?
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: She's telling me about him getting diagnosed.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: She takes him to the vet.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: She's got one of these crazy vets who like talks to their animals like they're patients, you know?
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: So he's like sitting there with my mom and the dog.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: It looks him, the dog, right in his stupid, fat, diabetic face, okay?
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: No one feels bad for him.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: He's not here.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: We can make fun of him.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Also, he's a dog.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: He has no idea what's happening at all times, okay?
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: So she looks, or the the vet looks right at him and goes, Mazl Tov, you have diabetes.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that is incorrect.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: That seems anti-Semitic.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: I know it's not, but it felt like it.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: When she told the story.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: She's out of control.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: She bought a computer recently.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: She wouldn't let me help her set it up.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: And then, like, an hour after she bought it, she calls me and she's like, hey, I'm locked out of my computer.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: I can't get in.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: Can you get into my computer for me?
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I can't get into your computer.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: What do you mean, you have in trouble?
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: And she's like, Yeah, I don't remember my password.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, just you're gonna have to remember it.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know how to get into your computer for you.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: So she gets mad, she hangs up on me.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: She calls me back like half an hour later.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, didn't need your help.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: Got back into my computer.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like a hacker.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: No, mom, you're the opposite of a hacker, okay?
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: You've you forgot Caps Lock was on.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: That is not what a hacker is.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: I reason I don't even know how debt works.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: I recently found that out when my dentist sent me to collections.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: My dentist sent me to collections.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: The collection agency calls my phone.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: I answer because I don't know who it is, and they're like, hey, we're trying to collect a debt.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: Give us the money.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, uh, no, you know?
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: No, I'm just not going to.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: And he's like, what?
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, what are the consequences if I don't give you money?
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: And he was like, we're gonna make your credit bad.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, not possible.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, my credit's already really bad.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: My credit score is so bad, it also has face tattoos.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: Do you guys?
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's so bad.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: Ugh, it's I've been denied for a Best Buy card.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know what that's I've seen a bird accidentally fly into Best Buy and leave with a card.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's so easy to get one.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: When I got denied, the guy in l in the Best Buy was like, I'm so sorry, this has never happened before.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: Like, he was embarrassed for me, you know?
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: It was so bad.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: It was so bad.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: And so I like trying to get a cell phone once, and they were like, it's a thousand dollar deposit, and then we'll let you buy a phone.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I will leave here with two tin cans and string, okay?
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: That's so much money, I don't have that money.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: So anyway, my credit's really bad.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's like, so I'm not worried about it.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm like, well, do you have another thing?
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: Tell him a debt collector, like, listen, I'm not worried, do you have another thing?
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: And he's like, we don't have another thing.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, well, I'm gonna go ahead and not pay you then.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna choose that option.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: And he was like, This has never happened before.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, well, you know, it was a first time for everything, so I'm gonna go ahead and hang up now.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: And he's like, have a good day, I guess.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: We were all very confused.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: It was a lot of first times for everyone, you know?
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: So we both hang up the phone.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: I call my dentist.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, hey, why'd you send me to collections?
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: And the front desk lady answers it, by the way.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: And she's like a hundred years old, and her name is Gertrude, because of course, you know, everyone named everyone a hundred years or older has a name like Gertrude.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, why are you even working there?
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: You've been out of the teeth game forever, you know?
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: She's so rude.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: No one feels bad for Gertrude, okay?
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: She's so rude.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, why'd you send me any collections?
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: Why don't you just call me and ask me to pay the bill?
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: And she's like, I sent you letters.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, yeah, and I threw them away like an adult, you know?
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not I'm not reading your letters, Gertrude.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not your sweetheart from World War II, okay?
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: No one reads letters in 2017.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: Text me, anything else, you know?
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: So she's like, I don't know what to tell you, you're already at collections.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, Alright, well, I guess I have to find a new dentist.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: That's weird.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, that happened.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: So turns out, by the way, collection agencies call me all the time, and I'm just like, listen, do you have another thing?
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: And they're like, this is our only thing, and then I'm like, well, I'm going, and I hang up, you know?
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's a repeating process.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it turns out collection agencies do have another thing.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: They have one more thing.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: They can c they can send someone to serve you papers to take you to small claims court to get that money, okay?
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the thing about serving someone papers to serve them papers to bring you to court, they have to get you to admit you are who you are.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like three in the afternoon one day, and I hear a knock at my door, and I answer the door, and it's this guy standing there with a clipboard, and he's like, Hey, are you Shane Smith?
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, No, never.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: What's going on?
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: And he's like, uh, does Shane Smith live here?
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I don't know, pretty big place.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: Never seen anyone by that name here, you know?
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, uh, looks like a very small apartment, actually.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's like you're splitting hairs right now, guy.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: You know, what are you trying to insult me?
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: What's going on?
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: And that's when I realized he's standing there with a clipboard, and on that clipboard is a my Facebook profile printed out on it.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: So he's seeing me, see him, looking down at me with my stupid tattooed face on the clipboard, looking right back up at him, seeing me see him.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: I think I said that right.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: And it's so, it's so awkward.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: And he's like, Okay, well, if you're not Shane Smith, who are you?
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like 3 p.m.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: I had just woken up.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not ready to be someone else, you know?
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: I just said the first name that came to mind.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, uh, Bruce Wayne?
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Bruce Wayne.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: He was not impressed, you know?
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: In hindsight, I could have thought of a better name.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: So he's standing there looking very defeated, and that's when I realized I am wearing Batman pajamas.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, not good.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, someone was like, uh, is this your only thing?
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: And he was like, yeah, man, this is my only thing.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, so I'm gonna go now.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: And he was like, have a good day, I guess.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, alright, so I'm pretty sure that's gonna work itself out, you know.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: There are no consequences.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if you guys knew that.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: There are no consequences to debt.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what are they gonna do?
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: Send me to Alcatraz?
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: Can't.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: So, during this time when I was a criminal, alright, I had a best friend.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: Now his name was Angry Anton.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: Not a clever nickname, alright?
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: Just an angry guy.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: You know, sometimes you meet people and they're like, nickname is little John, but they're seven feet tall, and you're like, oh, that's cute.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: It was not that, okay?
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: It was just lazy lazy nicknaming.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: He was just angry all the time.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: He was very scary, he was bigger than me, he was way more heavily tattooed than me.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I know a lot of you are like, how is it even possible to be more heavily tattooed than you?
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: His entire face was completely covered, 100%.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: So he was basically like if you got a second grader and you pulled him to the side and you're like, draw me what you think a murderer looks like.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: And then they drew him, and you'd be like, That is way correct.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: That's so correct.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's so scary.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: Where are your parents?
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: You know, he's so scary.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: Just a few stories to like reiterate how scary he is.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: Once we were at a restaurant and we were in the bathroom, and in this particular restaurant, they had like an area where all their toiletries were where you could just get to them, and we were stealing them, okay?
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because you know, we just we wanted toiletries, we're not gonna pay for them.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: So we have a backpack and we're stuffing like toilet paper and soap and all this stuff.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: We're stealing.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: A uniformed police officer walks into the bathroom while we're stealing, sees us, Anton stands up, says, What's up?
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: to the police officer, and the police officer said, Excuse me, close the door and left the restaurant.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, eventually I was like, I gotta get out.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: And so when you get out, the government helps you usually.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: You have to cut ties with your friends, your family, everybody who has any tie to that lifestyle, okay?
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: And move on.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: And usually the government will give you a job to help you move on before so that you don't end up in prison.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the government lets you work with disabled kids, alright?
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I know they should change that.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: So, anyway, it worked out for me, but I feel like maybe not so much for other people.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: And so, I have this new job, I have this new life.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: Now, uh, Anton was a bad person.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: Objectively, yes.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: I agree with all of you.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: He was a bad person, but also he was always good to me.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: He was a loyal friend, I'd known him forever.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't get rid of him, I kept him around in my life just a little bit.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: Just talking to him through emails, being his friend, okay?
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: Trying to be there for him.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm moving out with this new life, it's like a year later, and I'm working at this facility for disabled kids, okay?
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: Now, working at this facility, I worked with a lot of Christian people, I worked with a lot of LDS people, Mormon people, and they're all like really jazzed up to work with me.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: All these upright good people, and then me, you know?
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: And they're just like, oh man, isn't Shane cool knowing about my past?
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like, he says the S-words sometimes.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: Crazy, you know?
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: I here's the deal.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I am a Jewish man, but I look like an accountant for the Aryan Brotherhood.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's not good.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't do it on purpose, but I do.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: I look like the nerdiest guy in the worst prison gang.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's a problem.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's a serious problem.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: They're just like, he doesn't kill people.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: He does read a lot, though.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: He does.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: Oh man.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's fine though.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: People are wild.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: Uh they surprise me all the time with how wild they are.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: Recently, I was in a shoe store and I was just looking at shoes, and a dude comes up to me and he goes, Oh, your face! That's crazy.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: I can't believe you did that.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: And then he goes, Dude, so what are you like a tattoo artist?
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, No, man, I'm not good at art.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: And he goes, So just no job?
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: Like, there's no other options.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: I can do work.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, oh, so what do you do?
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, well, technically, no job.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: But still.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: Come on, man.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: And then he goes, Well, if you need any help with anything, you let me know.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, you work here?
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: So disrespectful.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: People are crazy disrespectful.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: I live in New York.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: Dudes, this is a thing that is happening often.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: Dudes who want to get my attention in public, they will combine what they think I look like with prison and yell it at me.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_00: The other day, a guy was like, hey, you! And I was like, and he goes, Yeah, you, Harry Potter, but make a prison.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: Come over here.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what?
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'll come over, but I didn't like that.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: This is true.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: The other day I was sitting on the subway.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sitting my name and my business.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_00: This guy's scooting past me.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: He looks up at me and he stopped and he goes, Hey, Jim from the office did 10 years in prison.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: Look at you.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like that one was accurate.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like, come on, man, I'm trying to grow my hair out.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_00: Let me live my life.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: People on the train were laughing.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_00: He was killing him.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: And he goes, Oh, so Pam left and you just snapped.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_01: He has follow us.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: Come on! Yeah, which is going hard.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I've been doing this, which I shouldn't do.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: I've been reading comments on my videos online.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: What a nightmare online is.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_00: Just in general.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, this is real.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_00: I've been noticing this in comments.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: This is a new thing, a new trend I've been noticing.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: People, uh, usually older people, will be annoyed with my tattoos.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this is completely new.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_00: They will see me and then be like, ugh.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: I remember when having your face or your throat tattooed meant that you were a criminal.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: It meant that you were dangerous.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: Now it just means you're a hipster.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm just like, are you disappointed I'm not a murderer right now?
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_00: What is happening?
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's like you you assume firstly, you're making assumptions about how who I am based on how I look, and then when I don't live up to them, you're like, it makes no sense.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm furious, I cannot win with these people.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: And then what's even crazier is that I happen to have gang tattoos on my face.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_00: I used to be a criminal when I was younger.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_00: Not always the case, but in my case it is.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I will tell people that.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: To stop them from being annoyed with my tattoos, and then with so much confidence, they'll just tell me, no, no, you weren't a criminal.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, I've seen The Wire and Sons of Anarchy, and you were not.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_00: They're like experts now.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's incredible.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_00: I spent the entire first part of my life only wanting respect from the scariest people you can imagine.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: And now I'm on Facebook arguing with a 40-year-old woman named Joy.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: These are the same people who do stuff, they'll be like, aren't you worried about how you're gonna look when you're older?
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_00: Look at all that.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_00: Aren't you worried about how you're gonna look when you're older?
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's just like, okay, well, you're wearing dress socks with jean shorts.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_00: Why don't you worry about how you look right now?
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: How about that?
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: Oh man.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, let's I've been traveling a lot.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I've been all over.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: Uh recently, I was in the south and I was at a Denny's.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_00: I was minding my own business, and I looked over and there's like a claw machine, like one of those giant claw machines you see, you know?
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, oh man.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: And then there was a lady in front of the claw machine.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, it was a big one reaping giant prizes, and she was crying.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, wow, that seems like an overreaction to losing that game.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_00: And my friends were like, No, you idiot, look.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I paid more attention, and then she was crying because her toddler had crawled into the machine.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: And he was stuck inside of it.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_00: And she was like, come out for mommy, and he was like, I live here now.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_00: I have all the prizes.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_00: Why would I ever leave?
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_00: So she's hysterical, and she's just like, someone call 911, like, someone call the police.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm just like, what?
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_00: Don't waste public resources, lady.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_00: Now is your time.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_00: Win him back.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_00: Let's go.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_00: The stakes have never been higher.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_00: Let's do it! I was just like, listen, I have$5.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_00: I can claw your baby.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_00: Let me try.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_00: I can get him.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_00: I can get him.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_00: She did not think it was as funny as you guys did.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: So they called the police or whatever, and they brought the fire department and they took the machine apart and got the kid out.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_00: And she was very snooty about the whole thing.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_00: But I was like, how funny would that have been if just some big Italian firefighter showed up and she was like, What are you gonna use the jaws of life to save my baby?
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: And he's like, I have 10 ones, let's do it! Cut to 40 minutes later, he's like, I'm out of money, I am so sorry for your loss.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_00: Will you take a life-size Sonic the Hedgehog instead?
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's good to be back here in the West.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I live in New York now.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_00: I came back here uh for this and to visit my family often.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_00: Uh it's also, there's different challenges being here than in the city.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like, for instance, recently while I was here, I hit a deer with my car.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but it's not what you guys think, okay?
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_00: I did it completely on purpose.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_00: Now, how that happened was I was driving, minding my own business, and I'm going down the street, and I looked over and I saw a dog and a deer in a parking lot together, okay?
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, they're friends, like in Disney.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_00: But I was wrong.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_00: They were not friends, they were enemies, and they were fighting pretty hard, okay?
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_00: Alright?
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_00: I don't and I didn't even know the deer was hooving the dog, I didn't even know they did that.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_00: Alright?
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_00: And the dog hated it, so the dog goes running away from the deer to escape.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_00: And the dog comes running across the street, I'm driving down, and the deer comes chasing after the dog, and I had a decision to make.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, it was an Australian shepherd, okay?
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's crunch time.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_00: I hit that deer so hard with my car.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_00: I swerved in everything.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, I hit that deer like my stepdad was riding it.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_00: Do you understand?
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_00: Last time I was in Florida, this is real, by the way, this is Googleable information after the show.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm in Florida.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm walking past a newspaper stand.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_00: I look into the stand.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_00: The headline on the newspaper reads: Local man robs Wendy's with alligator.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_00: What did you just say to me?
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_00: I read it, I still said that out loud.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_00: It was incredible! Oh, and also, oh yeah, that's all you want to say?
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_00: You don't want to add any more to that?
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't know.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe tell us if the alligator was an accomplice or a weapon?
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_00: How about that?
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_00: For real.
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_00: Did this guy rob a Wendy's with an alligator, or did this guy rob a Wendy's with an alligator?
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_00: There's a huge difference.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_00: Did he start a did he start a gang with an alligator, throw a bandana on it?
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, we're the alligator boys now.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get to a Wendy's and make this official.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_00: So, this is how I I bought the paper and I read the article, and this is real.
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_00: He used the alligator as a weapon, okay?
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_00: And when I read that, I was like, did he at least hold it like a gun?
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_00: He didn't.
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_00: He threw it through a drive-thru window.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_00: Didn't see that one come in, did ya?
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_00: You know who else did it?
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_00: The lady! The drive-thru! So many things have to happen before you can even throw an alligator.
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_00: You have to find it in the wild! Also, by the way, how horrible is Florida that there is just alligators available to you?
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_00: What was even his qualifying material?
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_00: Was he looking for a specific type?
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_00: Or he just the first one he saw, he was like, this is the one.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_00: And he took it.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_01: That was it?
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_00: So this is real.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_00: This happened in Florida! A place connected to the United States! Where we are all living currently! A grown man with a driver's license found an alligator that day.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_00: He didn't even build a relationship with it.
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_00: Takes his new alligator and he seatbelts it into the backseat of his car.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_00: I assume.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_00: I just have no idea how else you keep it from getting into the front seat and biting you, right?
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_00: I don't.
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if you guys know anything about alligators, but they kind of just do whatever they want.
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_00: So he seatbelts this dinosaur into the back seat.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_00: And then he gets into the front seat and he's like, ah, I gotta make some money today.
• 30:11
  SPEAKER_00: Slurped the wheel.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I could get a job, and he goes, No, no time.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_00: Spent most of my day on that alligator thing.
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_00: Projects.
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_00: I could rob someone.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_00: And he goes, I could rob a place.
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_00: Places have more money than someone's.
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_00: Rob a bank, and he goes, no, no.
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_00: They'll be expecting that.
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_00: Just thinking about it.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_00: And then he thought he comes to the conclusion, Wendy's.
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_00: They have money and chili.
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's the place.
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_00: But my life, it's not.
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's not together.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_00: My personal life isn't as good as you think it might be.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_00: And some of you were like, Shane, your life has to be going well.
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_00: Look at you on stage.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I'm living my dreams, and that's nice.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_00: But also my personal life tatters.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_00: Let me tell you.
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, there's no easy way to say this, so I'm just gonna open up and say it, okay?
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_00: I am 32 years old, and I pooped my pants recently, okay?
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_00: Not supposed to do that.
• 31:22
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I don't like the way some of you are laughing, by the way.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'd be like, you guys.
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_00: Just to clarify, I didn't just do it like I wasn't just like watching Batman, like, duh, this movie is good.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think I'm gonna make it.
• 31:41
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't poop my pants freestyle for the love of the game.
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_00: I had a reason.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what happened, okay?
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_00: I had food poisoning.
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it could happen to anybody.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_00: I had food poisoning, I was parallel parking my car.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_00: That's not a part of this, that's mostly a humble brag, but I can parallel park my car.
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm parking my car at food poisoning, and I coughed.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, and it happened to me.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_00: I pooped my pants.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, you know how sometimes you fart and you're like, that was pretty gross, but I'm okay.
• 32:27
  SPEAKER_00: Not that one.
• 32:31
  SPEAKER_00: Nope! I pooped my pants so fast and so hard, it was like somebody else pooped my pants.
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_00: It was incredible.
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_00: By the way, didn't even know that was one of the options when you coughed.
• 32:55
  SPEAKER_00: What that can happen?
• 32:58
  SPEAKER_00: I've been pooping my pants for 32 years.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_00: Did I say pooping my pants?
• 33:03
  SPEAKER_00: I meant coughing.
• 33:24
  SPEAKER_00: Let me cut that one out.
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_00: Listen.
• 33:29
  SPEAKER_00: You guys don't know my life.
• 33:38
  SPEAKER_00: Not once ever! After coughing for 32 years, and I ever been like, whoa! What was that?
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_00: One of my friends was like, What just happened?
• 33:48
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I coughed, I almost booed my pants.
• 33:51
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, Yeah, that can happen.
• 33:52
  SPEAKER_00: Gotta watch out for those.
• 33:54
  SPEAKER_00: Not once ever.
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like, the cough waited 32 years and then betrayed me! Like, once I was in ninth grade and I was giving a talk in front of the class, and I coughed, and my body was like, Do we do it now?
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_00: And then puberty was like, no, we will embarrass him.
• 34:15
  SPEAKER_00: You hold back, wait 20 years, then take him out right before he has to do comedy.
• 34:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 34:23
  SPEAKER_00: I was parking at a comedy club.
• 34:26
  SPEAKER_00: It was worst case.
• 34:28
  SPEAKER_00: So I get out of my car.
• 34:30
  SPEAKER_00: I can't get back into it.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's not one of those.
• 34:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, what do I what do I do?
• 34:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, my first plan was to buy the pants off of a homeless guy.
• 34:41
  SPEAKER_00: But they are never there when you need them, the homeless.
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_00: My second plan was to buy the shirt off of a guy wearing two shirts.
• 34:51
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the thing if you try and buy the shirt off of a guy wearing two shirts and you tell him you need it because you pooped your pants, he will run from you.
• 34:59
  SPEAKER_00: So I was gonna wear it like a I don't know what I thought.
• 35:02
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, so I look across the street and there's like a mall, and I was like, I gotta get over there.
• 35:06
  SPEAKER_00: So I waddle over, you know?
• 35:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's a shameful walk.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_00: People can tell.
• 35:11
  SPEAKER_00: They can.
• 35:12
  SPEAKER_00: A kid tries to talk to me, and his dad is like, get away from him.
• 35:17
  SPEAKER_00: And his kid is like, because of how he looks, and he's like, no, other things, go.
• 35:22
  SPEAKER_00: Get away.
• 35:25
  SPEAKER_00: So I get into the first clothing store I can get into.
• 35:29
  SPEAKER_00: And the guy working there is like, hello, how can we help you today?
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, come here, come here right now.
• 35:35
  SPEAKER_00: And he's like, Oh my, what's going on?
• 35:38
  SPEAKER_00: What is it?
• 35:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, here's the deal, man.
• 35:39
  SPEAKER_00: I have fully pooped my pants.
• 35:43
  SPEAKER_00: And he just goes, Excuse me?
• 35:47
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, Am I stuttering right now?
• 35:49
  SPEAKER_00: Daniel?
• 35:50
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 35:53
  SPEAKER_00: I need you on TV right now.
• 35:55
  SPEAKER_00: There's no time.
• 35:56
  SPEAKER_00: Do they not train you for this?
• 35:58
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, what do I do?
• 35:59
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, go give me a pair of jeans this second.
• 36:03
  SPEAKER_00: So he runs off and he comes back and he goes, I have mediums and I have larges.
• 36:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, give me the mediums.
• 36:08
  SPEAKER_00: And then he looks right at me and he goes, Do you want to try those on?
• 36:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like, do you think this is a game, Daniel?