Latest / Rachel Oates / Colleen Hoover's UNHINGED Return

Transcript

Colleen Hoover's UNHINGED Return · Rachel Oates

• 0:00
  Hey everyone, today's video is sponsored by Voletta.
• 0:02
  Hello all you wonderful people and welcome back to my channel.
• 0:06
  It has been a while, but today we are reviewing another Colleen
• 0:08
  Hoover book. In fact, her latest book that
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  has only just been released last month and it is called Woman
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  Down. I had seen murmurings saying
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  that it's much better than anything else she's written
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  before. So I went in with not high hopes
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  but higher than normal. This book is marketed as much
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  more of a thriller than a romance because a lot of books
• 0:29
  are kind of romance ish but books like Verity and more like
• 0:32
  thrillers. This one is marketed more as a
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  thriller, although Amazon categorises it as dark romance,
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  which worried me going in because you know, I'm not a fan
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  of dark romance. However, now having read the
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  book, I can see why it's in those categories.
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  Absolutely. The blur breeds.
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  Her words used to set the page on fire, but a viral backlash
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  over her latest film adaptation forced Petra Rose to take a
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  hiatus, resulting in missed headlines and an overdue
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  mortgage. Branded a fraud and fame hungry
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  opportunist, she learned the hard way of what happens when
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  the Internet turns on you. She's been uninspired to write
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  ever since. I found this interesting
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  considering all the drama there's been around.
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  A certain one of Colleen's film adaptations I'm of course
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  talking about It Ends With us and the awful sexual harassment
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  accusations coming out about it as well as the offensive
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  marketing that went on in the 1st place as well.
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  You know, grab your friends, wear your florals to this
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  domestic violence film. Whole mess.
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  So I thought maybe she was taking inspiration from the real
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  world ever so slightly. Turns out Petra is just an
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  absolute self insert of Colleen. It's almost laughable how
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  obvious it is. We'll, we'll get there.
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  I think at one point in my script I said like, oh God,
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  she's just writing fan fiction about herself, isn't she?
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  So this theory was supported like right off the bat because
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  Colleen writes this like, no, as herself to the readers, like at
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  the start of the book. And basically she says this book
• 2:02
  is like an extended and reworked version of a short story she
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  wrote years ago. And then she goes on to say, I
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  took the short story some of you read and poured my heart and
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  soul into expanding it. It's taken me three years to
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  release a book since It Starts With Us, not because I've been
• 2:15
  rewriting St for those three years, but because I've been
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  trying out new things outside writing.
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  And frankly, I needed some space for my career.
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  I was beginning to find more stressful than normal, which is
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  understandable. In these last few years her
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  popularity has blown up, but so have the criticisms of her
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  writing. She had the IT Ends With Us film
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  problems to deal with. She's also had some personal
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  criticisms aimed her way. I spoke about this before, but I
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  think there was some like that there was a case where, and
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  please correct me in the comments if I'm getting the
• 2:46
  details wrong because I should have written this in my script
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  and research it. I'm talking off the top of my
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  head now, there was a thing where some young woman reached
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  out publicly to Colleen Hoover to say that her son had maybe
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  like sexually harassed her or something like that.
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  I can't remember exactly. But Colleen did like absolutely
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  nothing about it and just blocked this young woman and
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  supported her son and she didn't take any accusation seriously
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  and she faced a lot of criticism for that.
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  Plus, people have been. Critiquing it, myself included,
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  I am a big, big critic of Colleen Hoover because a lot of
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  her books glamorise and romanticise domestic violence,
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  rape, coercion, sexual assault, abusive behaviour, just damn
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  toxic relationships. And I do think that is quite
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  problematic. That said, I actually kind of
• 3:35
  respect the choice to take a step back from writing for a bit
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  and work on other things and and I really but hoped it had paid
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  off for her. I'm in two minds about whether
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  it has or not. This book is definitely better
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  than her others, but it's still bad.
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  Like I, I'll tell you this now, I did not like it.
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  I did not enjoy it. Is it bet?
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  Is it better than anything she's written before?
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  Yes. Does that make it a good book?
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  She does go on to say though. And this is in her authors note
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  thing. Just please keep in mind that
• 5:36
  while writers do take from their own lives and some themes may
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  mirror those in my own life in ways, this is in no way a
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  replica of my journey or my morals, nor is it a reflection
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  of how I feel about my peers or this industry.
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  This is simply a fun journey the characters took me on and
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  nothing more. Please, I beg of you, do not try
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  to make ties between my personal life and this story, as there
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  are none. I'm just a writer writing about
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  a writer. I'm in no way advocating for or
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  defending the character's behaviour or thoughts.
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  So I was like, OK, let's not read into it too much until you
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  actually read the book and realise that like, Colleen is
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  just writing about her own life and sharing her own thoughts and
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  it's a lot. It's really hard to listen to
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  what she's saying here. Anyway, back to the blurb.
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  Now, with her next suspense novel outlined and savings
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  nearly gone, she retreats to a secluded lakeside cabin hoping
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  to find inspiration. It's Petra's last ditch attempt
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  to save her career and herself. Then he shows up.
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  Detective Nathaniel St arrives with disturbing news, his
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  presence igniting a creativity in her that she thought long
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  since burned out. Petra's words return in a rush,
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  and her fictional cop character begins begins to mirror the very
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  real cop who's becoming her muse.
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  OK, so the rest of this doesn't sound like Colleen's life, I
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  hope. I think that research sessions
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  blur the lines between fantasy and reality.
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  Each glance, every touch, pulls Petra deeper into a world she
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  thought she'd never lose herself in again.
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  She's never felt more alive. But inspiration this powerful
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  comes at a cost. When St starts taking his role
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  in her career a little too seriously, Petra's forced to
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  confront the chaos she created. But doing so could cost her more
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  than the reputation she's been trying to salvage.
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  The reputation the world wrote for her.
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  The reputation only she can reclaim.
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  So it's not a premise I would naturally gravitate to.
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  If I saw this on a shelf in the library or a shop or whatever, I
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  probably wouldn't pick it up. I wouldn't buy it, I wouldn't
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  choose to read it. But I can see where there's an
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  audience for it, and there's definitely some intrigue here.
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  One thing I do have to say and like, one thing I love about
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  this job is that it encourages me to read books I never
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  normally would. And so sometimes I end up
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  finding things and liking things that I never expected to, and
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  other times it just reinforces my understanding of what I don't
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  like. But I do think it's important to
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  always go into these things with an open mind, and that's what I
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  did with this book. I was very prepared to like it,
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  to enjoy it, to cheer Colleen Hoover on if she's improved.
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  But I have thoughts and stuff. So as always, when I refuse
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  thrillers, I tend to write my script as I read the book so I
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  can give you my thoughts and theories as we go along.
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  I like coming up with theories. I mean, like, oh, maybe this is
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  happening, maybe this is happening, maybe this is where
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  it's going. I find that really fun.
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  And so obviously, by the time I'm recording this, I've now
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  read the book. I finished the book.
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  I know where it's gone, but I'm going to be reading you my
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  script as I wrote it as I was going through it and keeping as
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  close to my original thoughts as possible and not adding in any
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  spoilers unless it's to make a specific point.
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  But I don't think I will be doing that in this.
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  But obviously by the end of the videos, spoilers for the entire
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  book. So let's go.
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  Let's start with chapter 1. And I do have to say I found the
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  first like 3rd of this book probably the most.
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  Yeah, I think it's the most infuriating part of the book.
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  I don't like the last bit either that.
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  No, I think this is the worst bit.
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  So we'll, we'll see. OK.
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  The book opens up with a fictional podcast discussing the
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  downfall of Petra Rose, our main character and in universe
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  author, and calling him a self insert.
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  The dialogue is cringy as hell, but this is how I found a lot of
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  authors tend to write like online content creators and it
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  bothers me quite a bit, but it's also kind of common.
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  Hey, hey, Kelly here, your fictional therapist with a minor
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  and messy behaviour. Welcome back to And What Now
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  readers, the podcast where your favourite book drama gets
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  lovingly dissected and lightly roasted.
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  And I'm Mika, your literary and sometimes television gossip
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  sommelier. Sommelier.
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  Kelly laughs. You don't even drink wine.
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  Who needs alcohol when you can get drunk on poop like we have
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  for you today? Oh, I love how spicy this is.
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  Kelly adds it's more than spicy. It's full on scorched earth.
• 10:16
  We're talking about Petro Rose today, darling at book clubs and
• 10:19
  Tumblr mood boards whose reputation has erupted into
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  literary flames. And if you somehow missed it
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  while scrolling your feed or, I don't know, breathing, the
• 10:29
  Internet has completely turned on the formerly adored author.
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  And not gently. Kelly says that was exhausting
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  to read. It's very 90s radio host.
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  And I feel like these days people, people don't talk like
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  this, do they? I feel like as a content creator
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  myself, I don't talk like that, do I?
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  I don't think. And it just, yeah, it just
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  immediately takes me out a bit. I have just finished reading
• 10:53
  Listen for the Lie by Who's it by Amy Tintera, which has like
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  podcast excerpts in. It's like half regular prose and
• 11:04
  narrative and you know, first person narration and then half
• 11:08
  is like podcast episodes with interviews with people.
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  And it manages to do that in a way that actually feels like a
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  real podcast, actually feels like real, real people talking.
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  It's not over the top, it's not cringy.
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  It's like quite accurate. And I, I end up really enjoying
• 11:25
  the book. Actually, I thought it was
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  fantastic. I've really, really enjoyed it.
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  I've I've only like. What are we?
• 11:31
  Five days into February filming this and I've read some good
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  books this month. I also read one of the good Guys
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  by Let Me Tell You, That's by yeah, by Araminta Hall, and it
• 11:43
  was fantastic as well. Both 5 star reads, really fun.
• 11:46
  Really enjoyed them both. Right.
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  What was I saying? Yeah.
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  So I feel like that does the whole podcasting way better than
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  Colleen does. I feel like straight off the
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  bat, Colleen is coming in here to paint any critics of her or
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  herself. Insert character Petra as catty
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  and gossipy and like, Oh my God, we just like so totally love to
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  hate people and like, oh, they're just Mean Girls instead
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  of like real human beings with genuine valid criticism.
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  You know, Colleen Hoover definitely inserts a lot of
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  criticisms she's seen about herself online and inserts them
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  into here and it's just a bit awkward.
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  Like we all know Colleen Hoover watches hate reviews of her
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  videos. We all know she reads the bad
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  reviews and replies to them. We all know she has gone after
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  reviewers. I mentioned that later as well.
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  Like I'll give you an example. Part of me like while she
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  brought up these critics and stuff, wanted me.
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  Part of me wanted to applaud her for having any level of
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  self-awareness. But also no Nope.
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  The international best selling author of A Terrible Thing
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  that's probably the worst book title of all time.
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  Kelly interrupts. Truly me cassettes.
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  It's like she was asking for this backlash, begging for it
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  anyway. The novel basically launched
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  1000 Hash tag team Ash versus hash tag team Caleb debates.
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  It was at the centre of a total fandom fallout in the best way
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  until it wasn't. And then when we consider that a
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  terrible thing is a self insert of it ends with us.
• 13:17
  This next line I I just cannot deal with it.
• 13:21
  A Terrible Thing is, by reader standards, not such a terrible
• 13:25
  book. It's a deeply emotional and
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  beautifully crafted novel about Elise and her journey through
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  love, trauma, identity, along with a pinch of fun.
• 13:34
  You get a little bit of everything in this realistic
• 13:36
  romance, so it's honestly shocking how huge the book got
• 13:39
  without having a single dragon or wizard.
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  But it's because it wasn't just sexy, cheap romance.
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  It was character development, moral complexity, fan fiction,
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  gold. Is this really how Colleen sees
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  it Ends with us, Really. God it.
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  She thinks so much for self anyway.
• 14:03
  The drama that surrounded this book in the fictional world, it
• 14:07
  all started with a film adaptation, just like the real
• 14:09
  world, although it's different to the real life drama.
• 14:13
  Obviously in real life, we've got the terrible marketing and
• 14:17
  kind of dismissal of domestic violence, and then the quite
• 14:23
  serious sexual harassment allegations and the whole back
• 14:25
  and forth there. It's very complicated, whereas
• 14:30
  in the fictional world it's a lot more light hearted and it's
• 14:34
  not well, I don't think it's such a big deal.
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  Basically a terrible thing. Fans were mad because the main
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  character part of the love triangle was near enough cut
• 14:41
  from the film and was barely included.
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  Just like real life. The fictional films drama also
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  comes with leaked test with leaked text messages and people
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  involved lying to their audiences just like real life.
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  And I just found this a little too close to reality to enjoy
• 14:58
  his work of fiction to be honest.
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  I know they say right about what you know it's good to write
• 15:03
  about these things but it just didn't work well for me and with
• 15:07
  everything still ongoing it just.
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  And I don't know, I feel like she triva trivialised a lot of
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  the issue anyway. Anyway, not a fan.
• 15:18
  Anyway, they keep talking about it and they say things like and
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  Petra initially took that classic don't blame me root.
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  She posted to insta with something like hey besties, I
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  had no create control. I was just as shocked as you all
• 15:29
  were and honestly we were so ready to believe her.
• 15:32
  Mika says for about 5 seconds until cue dramatic music.
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  An old text exchange leaked between Petra and one of the
• 15:39
  producers. Not only did she know about the
• 15:41
  change, she liked it. Well, she has been quiet.
• 15:46
  Mika says not a single social media post in almost a year
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  outside her own fan club, which I hear is dwindling.
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  I wouldn't know I left that club, fan.
• 15:56
  I wouldn't know I left that fan club six months ago.
• 15:59
  Kelly says hopefully the silence is a sign that she's studying
• 16:02
  how to write a storyline that she actually believes in.
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  Which is wild considering this is the same author whose lines
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  people literally tattooed onto their bodies.
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  See it's just self insert stuff at this point, but with the
• 16:14
  reason for her cancellation being downplayed in the
• 16:16
  fictional version. So no, I just, I don't like this
• 16:19
  so far. The podcast hosts then go on and
• 16:23
  on about how they hate Petra. Oh my God they hate her so much.
• 16:26
  Oh hey, and Petra has been listening to the whole thing in
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  her car and Colleen wants us to feel sorry for her so badly.
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  Her being Colleen and the fictional author, The bad guy in
• 16:39
  this whole situation, according to Petra, is the film's police,
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  is the film's producer, Alistair Jones, who is clearly, I think,
• 16:46
  meant to be a stand in for Justin Baldoni, right?
• 16:48
  She says. I've been unable to function
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  since all this started. I feel like a fraud.
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  I feel like everything I've built has crashed down around me
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  and I'm buried in rubble that no one even cares to dig through
• 16:57
  because they aren't even curious if I'm suffocating to death.
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  The only they only want to know who will show up at my funeral
• 17:03
  after I do suffocate to death. She really, really overwrites a
• 17:06
  lot, doesn't she? She hasn't lost that.
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  I wonder who would show up at my funeral.
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  I have friends and family who would be there, but I realise
• 17:12
  now all the friends I've made in my years of being in the book
• 17:15
  world weren't really friends at all.
• 17:17
  Other than Nora. Everyone has ghosted me and I
• 17:19
  don't blame them. Again, I want to have sympathy
• 17:22
  for people, I really do, but this is just so heavy-handed
• 17:25
  with the pity me, pity me when Colleen Hoover has made a career
• 17:30
  and literally millions of dollars of glamorising abuse and
• 17:33
  cheating and child grooming, not to mention everything we spoke
• 17:37
  about before, and I just find it really hard to sympathise with
• 17:40
  her, especially when she's laying it on so thick like this.
• 17:44
  We also get the classic Colleen Hoover telling, not showing info
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  dumps that in this case managed to be both over and underwritten
• 17:50
  at the same time. It's bizarre how she can do
• 17:53
  that. My anxiety is at an all time
• 17:55
  high and writing is truly the only thing that eases it.
• 17:58
  Writer's block clamped down on me like a suffocating trap that
• 18:00
  arrived precisely when my name started appearing in articles
• 18:03
  beyond the literary sphere. It's a cruel irony, isn't it?
• 18:08
  One person's dream of widespread recognition can so easily become
• 18:11
  another's nightmare. I just find it really hard to
• 18:14
  deal with an over dramatic lazy millionaires self insert fan
• 18:18
  fiction. You know?
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  I turned off notifications for social media after the vitriol
• 18:23
  began. The digital world wants a
• 18:25
  platform for connection, has become a relentless antagonist,
• 18:27
  and the only way to silence it is to cut myself off from it.
• 18:31
  Now I've understand how hard online hate and criticism can
• 18:36
  be. And I've said before that this,
• 18:38
  this kind of online hate is something that any content
• 18:41
  creator has likely experienced at some point.
• 18:43
  I know I have. I know it's difficult and I do
• 18:47
  empathise with the majority of people going through it.
• 18:50
  I think it's a really good thing to talk about and cover in books
• 18:54
  and I've read all the portrayals of it before, they've been
• 18:57
  really, really good. So for example, it's about 8
• 18:59
  years since I read it, but Donna Porter's The Cows has always
• 19:03
  stuck in my memory as being a really, really good portrayal of
• 19:06
  someone facing online backlash and how that affects them and so
• 19:09
  on. I just don't think Colleen does
• 19:13
  it well. Where Dawn was like absolutely
• 19:16
  fantastic and showed like, you know, the the realities of what
• 19:20
  it's like to be an influencer that people criticise.
• 19:25
  I just, I don't think I just find it really hard to have any
• 19:30
  sympathy for Colleen Hoover or herself.
• 19:32
  Insert character. I want to, I just can't, you
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  know, like the woman who made light of sexual assault and
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  grooming and sexual coercion in book after book after book and
• 19:44
  real life is suddenly asking for sympathy because she's sad.
• 19:48
  She's getting backlash for it. Like, I'm trying to feel for
• 19:51
  her, but I'm struggling. If Colleen had come back and be
• 19:55
  like, well, you know what I've learned?
• 19:57
  I've grown. I'm going to show what like a
• 19:59
  healthy romance is really like. Or I'm going to, you know,
• 20:02
  listen to the criticisms and improve and do this.
• 20:04
  I'd have been like, oh, yeah, you know, I'm all for that.
• 20:06
  Good on her. But instead she came back and
• 20:09
  she's like, oh, woe is me, Pity me.
• 20:12
  Oh, I have such a hard life. Everyone hates my books.
• 20:15
  And I'm just stuck here at home with my millions and millions of
• 20:18
  dollars and, and by the way, I'm going to write more rape and
• 20:23
  coercion and. Circulation and abuse and call
• 20:27
  it romance. I can't.
• 20:31
  Anyway, Colleen, I sorry. Petra is driving to a cabin in
• 20:35
  the woods to do more writing and her friend Nora calls to remind
• 20:38
  her that the only people who are criticising her online are just
• 20:41
  the vocal fringe with a financial agenda.
• 20:45
  Why is it that when she writes problematic books, she's just an
• 20:49
  artist with vision, but when people critique those books, oh
• 20:52
  they're just money hungry? Like I guess it's OK for her to
• 20:56
  make millions of dollars off romanticised abuse porn, but
• 20:59
  it's not OK for me, for example, to make a couple of £100 by
• 21:03
  criticising said abuse porn. And sorry, but like, not
• 21:07
  everything has to do with money. I don't choose my video topics
• 21:10
  because I'm like, oh this will make me a lot of money because
• 21:12
  most of the time it doesn't. I choose my video topics based
• 21:14
  on what I'm interested in. I'm like, yes, I need to earn
• 21:18
  money to pay my bills and keep a roof over my head but I'm not
• 21:22
  exactly rolling in it. I'm not like well off, I'm not
• 21:26
  like getting a crap tonne of money to spread hate.
• 21:29
  I'm just talking about things I'm interested in and people
• 21:32
  enjoy it and I'm making enough to get.
• 21:34
  By that's it. Colleen basically tells us why
• 21:38
  she's been silent up to now by talking about why Petra's been
• 21:41
  silent. She sighs.
• 21:43
  Well, you have to get back online if you want to save your
• 21:45
  career. Maybe say your piece on a
• 21:47
  podcast. I can climb my way out of this
• 21:49
  hole without stooping to Alistair's level.
• 21:51
  That's why I'm going to the cabin to write.
• 21:53
  I'll get revenge with my pen. You're right.
• 21:56
  Revenge with your pen. Write the whole story and
• 21:59
  publish it as a work of fiction. It'll be a good outlet.
• 22:02
  Call me later when you're settled.
• 22:03
  I have an idea. She's literally writing like a
• 22:11
  fictional version of what she's done it.
• 22:15
  I normally love meta stuff. I really, really do.
• 22:18
  Over on my second channel. I recently did like a little
• 22:21
  January reading wrap up and one of the books I really, really
• 22:23
  loved reading in January was Long live Evil, which is very
• 22:27
  meta. It's about this girl who is like
• 22:30
  sucked into this fantasy world of her favourite novels and she
• 22:33
  becomes a character in the novels and then she uses like
• 22:36
  her knowledge of what she knew about the novels to kind of
• 22:38
  change the world she's now. And it's really like very meta.
• 22:41
  I love, I love meta stuff. I think it's great when it's
• 22:44
  done well. This, this I hate.
• 22:49
  I really, really hate it. And now having finished the book
• 22:52
  and knowing where it goes, I hate it even more.
• 22:55
  I'm so sorry. I really wanted to like this.
• 22:58
  I really thought it was going to be good and it just no, no OK.
• 23:04
  By chapter 2 we get some typical Colleen Hoover style humour
• 23:07
  which is just. I'm so quirky I insert random
• 23:10
  things into my writing like the watermelon sweets and forgetting
• 23:13
  you kicking gnomes and slammed and so on.
• 23:17
  So she turns up at the cabin and some guy is waiting on her
• 23:20
  porch. Turns out he's like the landlord
• 23:22
  who owns the place. That and you know she's renting
• 23:25
  off him. With all the advancements in
• 23:28
  technology, there is absolutely zero reason for the rental host
• 23:31
  for this cabin to be meeting me in person, but here he is.
• 23:34
  I don't even know him and I already find him the most
• 23:36
  irritating thing in the world. I take that back.
• 23:39
  The shape of corgis is pretty damn irritating.
• 23:42
  There's something about a corgi that's just unfinished.
• 23:45
  It's as if God started making the dog breed and walked away
• 23:48
  from them when he was only halfway into the design, leaving
• 23:50
  them in this weird limbo. Their bodies are too long for
• 23:53
  their stompy legs and their heads too big for the rest of
• 23:55
  their bodies. Like they might face plant with
• 23:57
  every step. Anytime I see one I can't help
• 23:59
  but feel like it's a cosmic mistake walking around on 4
• 24:02
  legs. If I were a corgi at this guy's
• 24:04
  feet, I'd question whether I died and gone to hell.
• 24:08
  How does this like 40 odd? Like she must be what, nearly 50
• 24:11
  now? How does this like 40 odd year
• 24:13
  old woman have the sense of humour of a 13 year old on
• 24:16
  Tumblr in the 20 tens? You can't just insert random
• 24:20
  things and expect it to be funny.
• 24:22
  Like if I was her head editor I'd just like cut it.
• 24:25
  Cut all of this Colleen's self insert Petra.
• 24:29
  Like all of Colleen's self insert characters, which is most
• 24:32
  of her female protagonists that she writes is unnecessarily
• 24:36
  cruel and judgmental. I know from the guy's owner
• 24:39
  profile that his name is Louis Longsetter.
• 24:42
  What are the stupid names? What kind of name is Louis
• 24:46
  Longsetter? It sounds like a character from
• 24:47
  a sitcom, not the kind of person you'd expect to meet in the real
• 24:50
  world with actual parents. Who said that name out loud and
• 24:53
  thought, yes, that's the one. I hate that I find cheerful
• 24:56
  people immediately unlikeable. I'm aware that's a flaw within
• 24:59
  myself, but I have too many flaws to worry about polishing
• 25:02
  that one. The whole 2nd chapter is just
• 25:04
  her complaining about the cabin she's renting and complaining
• 25:06
  about the guy who's renting it to her being too nice.
• 25:10
  Of course and of course. Colleen complaining about being
• 25:14
  Colleen. Hell, I have the following.
• 25:17
  I should monetize my own platform and start crap talking
• 25:20
  myself too. I'd probably make more money by
• 25:22
  trashing me than being me. Trust me, love, you wouldn't.
• 25:26
  You wouldn't. I don't know how much you think
• 25:28
  people like me make, but it's not that much.
• 25:32
  I mean, I know I'm in the minority because like, I don't
• 25:33
  really take a lot of sponsorships.
• 25:35
  So I do miss out on a lot of money that way.
• 25:37
  But but yeah, you know, ad revenue isn't as much as people
• 25:41
  think it is. I actually side run here.
• 25:44
  I'm going to like a bit of a weird thing with like, there's
• 25:47
  this band I quite liked and I only heard like a couple of
• 25:50
  their songs, but I was like, oh, OK, this is kind of interesting.
• 25:52
  Like maybe I'll follow them on on Instagram.
• 25:55
  And I did. And then they made this like
• 25:56
  post complaining about, you know, Spotify not paying them
• 25:59
  enough. And I'm like, oh, you know what?
• 26:00
  Yeah, absolutely sympathise with this.
• 26:02
  I have a bunch of musician friends.
• 26:03
  They all say the same thing. And then they started going on a
• 26:06
  rant being like, oh, you know, unlike Youtubers, they get paid
• 26:09
  so much, we don't have that. And then they listed like a
• 26:13
  breakdown of how much they earned per like, listen and
• 26:17
  things like that. And I was like, oh, oh, hang on
• 26:21
  a minute. And so I kind of reached out to
• 26:22
  them. I was like, hey, like, just so
• 26:24
  you know, like completely support you.
• 26:26
  I think you're right. Spotify should pay their artists
• 26:28
  more. Yes, completely on board with
• 26:30
  that. But I don't think you should be
• 26:33
  like bad mouthing other people like Youtubers and been like,
• 26:36
  oh, you know, they get paid a lot.
• 26:37
  And you're like, because we don't like, I've looked at your
• 26:40
  figures and looked at my own. And if you look at kind of what
• 26:44
  we get paid per minute of content consumed, you earn like
• 26:49
  3 to 4 times as much as I do. And I have to put out content
• 26:54
  way more consistently. I, you know, where they put out
• 26:59
  like a song every six months, I have to put out like what, 10 to
• 27:03
  12 hours of content a month. And I was like, yes, I earn more
• 27:08
  than you in terms of like sheer volume of money because I'm
• 27:12
  getting more views. But if you look at what we get
• 27:15
  paid per minute of watch time, you are far out earning me.
• 27:19
  And the fact is that like a lot of creators don't get paid
• 27:23
  enough, whether that's artists. So yeah, what that's artists or
• 27:26
  musicians or video makers or anything like that.
• 27:29
  Like absolutely. Like there is an issue with big
• 27:32
  platforms like Spotify and YouTube not paying their
• 27:36
  creators enough. That is a massive problem.
• 27:39
  But I don't think it's fair to like be like, but I don't think
• 27:43
  it's fair to like be pitting as against each other and like them
• 27:48
  being all like bitter and be like, oh, you know, YouTube is
• 27:50
  having so we don't, we get screwed over as much as you do.
• 27:55
  And yeah, they were just, they were a bit weird in their reply.
• 27:59
  And then they're like, oh, well, you know, maybe, maybe we can
• 28:02
  come on your channel. And I was like, no, no.
• 28:07
  But anyway, yeah, it was just, it was really weird to me and it
• 28:10
  put like a bad taste in my mouth.
• 28:12
  And I I ended up like unfollowing them and haven't
• 28:16
  liked their music since because it was just a bit.
• 28:20
  Yeah, not a fan, right? Anyway, where were we at?
• 28:24
  Sorry, that was just on the side.
• 28:26
  Yeah. So Colleen writes.
• 28:27
  When I first began writing, I did it purely for fun.
• 28:30
  It was a need. It was a need, something I could
• 28:33
  escape to when my real life got hectic.
• 28:35
  It was exciting and readers were excited.
• 28:38
  I'd write about anything I felt like writing about hot MMA
• 28:41
  fighters, aliens attacking earth, farmers falling in love
• 28:44
  with city girls. 17 bucks later, my name was out there and the
• 28:48
  bills were getting paid and life was good.
• 28:50
  I felt like I was on top of the world.
• 28:52
  Unfortunately, gravity pulls everyone back down again and boy
• 28:55
  did I fall hard. It was like someone sliced a
• 28:57
  hole in my parachute and threw my descent on live TV for the
• 29:01
  entire world to see. How many books has Colleen
• 29:04
  written? 25 books?
• 29:07
  That's ridiculous. Clearly Petra is still a self
• 29:10
  insert anyway. But yeah like Petra's like 34 so
• 29:13
  she's younger than her so it makes sense that she's written
• 29:15
  less books than actual Colleen anyway.
• 29:17
  Not the point. Chapter 3 writer's block can
• 29:21
  suck a penis. It's dark outside and I am
• 29:23
  depressed and I have made 0 progress.
• 29:25
  I am so and I am so very hangry. Does anyone else get the feeling
• 29:31
  we're just reading Colleen's personal diary from the last few
• 29:33
  years? But the voice that tells me I'm
• 29:37
  a lucky fraud is always the loudest.
• 29:39
  I hate imposter syndrome. I hate that I believe the
• 29:41
  negative reviews of the positive.
• 29:42
  I hate that I'm questioning whether or not I can actually
• 29:44
  write a realistic book. I mean, not to be cruel, but
• 29:48
  that's kind of what Colleen is. She did get lucky that TikTok
• 29:52
  went crazy for her books. She got good marketing and she's
• 29:56
  not displayed any real signs of being a talented author.
• 29:59
  I don't think she can write a realistic book.
• 30:02
  I do think her negative reviews are more accurate than the
• 30:04
  positive ones. And I feel sorry for people with
• 30:08
  imposter syndrome, but I don't think that actually counts when
• 30:11
  you are the imposter, you know, and.
• 30:13
  I know this is really horrible of me to say.
• 30:15
  It's so horrible. But it bothers me that someone
• 30:17
  like Colleen Hoover is getting more success and notoriety than
• 30:21
  other authors who are actually talented and who have put time
• 30:25
  into like, writing really damn good books.
• 30:27
  There's so many indie authors out there that need more, you
• 30:32
  know, attention and praise and people reading their books.
• 30:35
  And instead you just have people like Colleen Hoover who are
• 30:37
  literal millionaires from writing abuse slop, You know,
• 30:42
  sorry, I just, she bothers me. She does.
• 30:46
  Anyway. Petra has started work on her
• 30:47
  book. There's a Detective Miller and a
• 30:50
  woman called Raya. He's questioning her about a
• 30:53
  woman called Sarah's disappearance, but it's
• 30:55
  complicated because Raya is sad her best friend is missing, but
• 30:58
  also finds the detective very, very attractive and is mostly
• 31:02
  thinking with her vagina, just like all Colleen Hoover's female
• 31:06
  protagonists ever. Back in the cabin, Nora phones
• 31:11
  and tells Petra to and tells Petra to do a live stream in her
• 31:15
  private Facebook group of fans. I, the author who used to churn
• 31:19
  out two books a year with effortless grace, haven't even
• 31:23
  been able to finish the one I started 18 months ago.
• 31:25
  Nor have I been able to face live questions since the last
• 31:28
  live video I did ended so badly. How many more times do I have to
• 31:32
  say self insert? Anyway, they did a live stream
• 31:36
  and Petra tells people about her book and how there's going to be
• 31:39
  a love triangle between Rhea the detective and his wife.
• 31:44
  So Petra likes to excuse cheating in her books, just like
• 31:47
  Colleen does. And I know in her authors note,
• 31:50
  she's like, I'm not saying I condone this.
• 31:52
  I'm like, yeah, but you've condoned cheating in a lot of
• 31:55
  your books, Colleen, so come on. There's more long I used to live
• 32:01
  writing but now it's so hard paragraphs.
• 32:05
  Again, I want to have sympathy, and normally I would if this was
• 32:08
  written by anyone else but Colleen Hoover I would have way
• 32:10
  more sympathy. But I'm afraid my personal bias
• 32:13
  against her based entirely on her past actions and writing are
• 32:17
  just making. It very difficult.
• 32:18
  For me, I find her fundamentally unlikable.
• 32:22
  Plus with having the friend character of Nora just
• 32:25
  completely licking Petra's slash Colleen's bum hole the entire
• 32:29
  time and knowing that Colleen is the one writing this, it just
• 32:32
  feels like she's she's patting herself on the back constantly,
• 32:35
  which undermines everyone, which completely undermines any
• 32:39
  vulnerability she thinks she's showing.
• 32:41
  You can't be like Oh no I'm so sad like and I'm doubting
• 32:44
  myself. And you mean.
• 32:45
  And then have your characters say this about yourself.
• 32:51
  Insert Thank you for your vulnerability Petra.
• 32:54
  That was a really good answer. Very honest.
• 32:58
  First of all, stop reading your negative reviews.
• 33:01
  Second, almost every negative review calls the book or
• 33:04
  characters unrealistic. It's the go to term for
• 33:07
  reviewers who didn't like something.
• 33:08
  I personally don't need every single thing in a book to be
• 33:10
  realistic. Dragons aren't realistic.
• 33:13
  But fourth me is killing it on the charts.
• 33:15
  That's what you do, Petra. You make people believe in the
• 33:18
  impossible. And there's just so much more
• 33:21
  like this of like, and we'll get to it as well with other
• 33:23
  characters. You'll see it coming back.
• 33:25
  So many characters like, Oh my God, Petra, you're so talented.
• 33:28
  You're the best writer in the world.
• 33:29
  And it's like when you know, Colleen is essentially writing
• 33:33
  this about herself, she becomes even more unbearable.
• 33:37
  We're now 14% of the way into the book somehow, and nothing
• 33:40
  has happened. Just pages of pages of poor me,
• 33:44
  poor me. I'm so talented, why don't?
• 33:46
  People love me anymore and it's very tiring.
• 33:50
  Petra says I want the story to feel real when I'm writing it,
• 33:53
  but I'm not sure anything can feel real if I haven't lived it.
• 33:56
  Maybe I need to switch to fantasy and give romantic
• 33:58
  suspense a break. Either that or I should take a
• 34:01
  break and go live a little, do some dangerous suspenseful
• 34:05
  stuff, get more life experiences under my belt.
• 34:08
  Which is funny, because that's literally what Colleen said she
• 34:10
  did herself in the real world in her author's note.
• 34:14
  So Petra is just Colleen. I'm a smile, but inside I'm
• 34:19
  battling the usual frustration. I wish I could believe the
• 34:22
  numerous 5 star reviews over the negative ones.
• 34:24
  The praise is right there, outnumbering the criticisms.
• 34:27
  But sadly I seem to focus on the negative way more than Nora
• 34:30
  does. It's as if the negative comments
• 34:32
  hold more truth, like they're somehow more honest or
• 34:34
  insightful, even though even though logically I know that's
• 34:38
  not true. And this is so frustrating to
• 34:40
  read because like, I get this. I do.
• 34:42
  I know that's like, I've lived that myself.
• 34:45
  It's understandable. It's entirely relatable.
• 34:48
  But when I agree with the criticisms of her, it's really
• 34:52
  hard to like feel sympathy for this and be like, oh, no, don't
• 34:56
  worry. Just focus on the good ones.
• 34:57
  Because when it comes to Colleen, I want to be like,
• 34:59
  yeah, listen to those bad ones and learn, please learn, do
• 35:04
  better. I just, I feel like, as one of
• 35:07
  Colleen Hoover's biggest critics, I am the entirely wrong
• 35:11
  audience for this book. I feel like I can understand why
• 35:15
  other people like it more than her other work, but I just find
• 35:20
  it so damn frustrating. I do not like this at all.
• 35:24
  Do not like it. It's like going back to the
• 35:28
  comparison right when Dawn O Porter wrote about her
• 35:31
  characters experiences experiencing this exact same
• 35:34
  thing. I felt so much sympathy and I
• 35:36
  related and I cared so much for those characters and what they
• 35:39
  were going through. But maybe that's one because
• 35:44
  Dawn is so much nicer and more likeable than Colleen, but also
• 35:48
  because there was so much more of a difference between Dawn as
• 35:51
  a person and her character Cam, so it was way easier to separate
• 35:55
  them as well. Plus, Dawn didn't write a
• 35:58
  character who was constantly telling a self insert of herself
• 36:02
  that she was the greatest author alive.
• 36:04
  So there was just a lot to like about that book The Cows.
• 36:09
  And there's not a lot to like about Colleen Hoover's Woman
• 36:13
  Down so far. I feel like I want to like it,
• 36:16
  but she's so insufferable. I just can't.
• 36:19
  And I think, I think that's what, what's like most
• 36:21
  frustrating to me because these are topics that I do want to
• 36:23
  read about and I do want to see them covered.
• 36:26
  And I think if done well, it would be a book that I really
• 36:28
  loved, but it's just not done well.
• 36:32
  So I don't like it even more, you know, And I think it's made
• 36:37
  worse by moments like this where Nora the suck up friend says we
• 36:40
  write fiction. Nora says for entertainment.
• 36:44
  I don't understand how and when the fun got flipped on its head.
• 36:47
  You wrote a book and that should be praised.
• 36:49
  Hell, you've written dozens of books.
• 36:51
  Fun, entertaining, sometimes emotional books.
• 36:55
  Why has the backlash gotten so severe for authors when a reader
• 36:57
  doesn't agree with them or hates their book or their adaptation?
• 37:01
  It's a book, it's a movie, it's not brain surgery.
• 37:05
  We aren't saving lives. Call back to how the main
• 37:11
  abuser, and it ends with those, is a brain surgeon.
• 37:14
  It just feels like Colleen is sat there going OK, I glamorised
• 37:17
  domestic violence and grooming in my books, but it's just
• 37:19
  fiction. Get over it.
• 37:21
  And that rubs me the wrong way, I think, And I say this in so
• 37:25
  many of my videos, so many people forget how much influence
• 37:28
  the media we consume influences us and our beliefs and our
• 37:32
  actions. When Colleen Hoover writes a
• 37:34
  three-part series about a teacher grooming his student and
• 37:37
  portrays it as peak romance and it's like, it's just fiction,
• 37:41
  get over it. That absolutely has an impact on
• 37:44
  the reader whether they realise it or not.
• 37:46
  And, and not a good, not a good impact.
• 37:50
  Even Colleen Hoover's self insert goes on to say.
• 37:53
  Some might argue against that. I say, I mean, I get what you're
• 37:56
  saying and I agree with the first part of what you said,
• 37:59
  that it doesn't feel as fun now that we're getting reviews and
• 38:01
  more forms and just ratings on Goodreading Amazon.
• 38:04
  Now people make videos and dedicate entire social media
• 38:06
  accounts to reviews so we can see it.
• 38:09
  Readers are more involved and have more impact.
• 38:11
  But that's also a positive thing.
• 38:13
  One good review that goes viral can change the entire author's
• 38:16
  life in a lot of positive ways. Do you mean an author's entire
• 38:19
  life? Is that is that a typo?
• 38:23
  But I think you're wrong about books just being for
• 38:24
  entertainment. I personally think books and
• 38:26
  movies can be very powerful tools and they can change minds,
• 38:29
  behaviours and thought processes.
• 38:31
  And yes, they can save lives. I do believe reading can save
• 38:34
  lives. I agree with her on that last
• 38:37
  part, I do. It's just a shame she doesn't
• 38:39
  then understand how harmful her books romanticising domestic
• 38:43
  violence and grooming and assault are.
• 38:45
  You know what I mean? If they can save lives, then
• 38:49
  they can also ruin lives. And this.
• 38:52
  What annoyed me about this though was that rant in the
• 38:54
  middle about people you know. They don't.
• 38:56
  They just leave ratings on Good reason Amazon now they make
• 38:59
  videos and this is clearly a reference I think to her being
• 39:06
  so involved in like watching hate videos about herself and in
• 39:08
  some cases going after critics. Again, this book feels less like
• 39:13
  a work of fiction and more of her just airing her dirty
• 39:16
  laundry and having a rant to all the people she's mad at, and
• 39:19
  it's quite uncomfortable to read.
• 39:21
  It's not a good look for her. That said, I don't hate her
• 39:26
  trying to address some of the criticism she's received.
• 39:29
  For example, there are absolutely people who think
• 39:32
  books can read lives. That's why books get banned.
• 39:34
  Do I agree with them? Not with the banning of books.
• 39:37
  But I do worry that some readers, especially the younger
• 39:40
  ones who are reading books meant for adults, don't quite know
• 39:42
  where to draw the line between fiction and reality.
• 39:45
  We've we are. We've seen how the behaviours of
• 39:47
  a character we intentionally wrote to be evil can
• 39:49
  occasionally be excused by the reader.
• 39:50
  Does that mean the reader they would be?
• 39:53
  Does that mean the reader would excuse his behaviours in real
• 39:55
  life? I hope not.
• 39:57
  I have very mixed feelings about this section.
• 39:59
  I didn't actually write a script for this bit, but one.
• 40:03
  I think this is quite a misunderstanding of the whole
• 40:06
  banning books issue. I absolutely think she's
• 40:09
  misunderstanding and misrepresenting this here.
• 40:12
  So that's a criticism I have there.
• 40:14
  I have to applaud her for talking about how.
• 40:17
  Certain younger readers shouldn't be reading her, her
• 40:20
  books in particular because they are for adults and they do have
• 40:23
  a lot of like erotic scenes in them, sometimes quite graphic.
• 40:28
  And when young people, like young teenagers read this stuff,
• 40:32
  I think it could be quite dangerous for them.
• 40:34
  Not not just because it's got erotic content, but because
• 40:36
  like, you know, it romanticises the grooming and violence and so
• 40:40
  on and abuse. And I think it's going to give
• 40:43
  them wrong idea. So I I appreciate her talking
• 40:45
  about that. That said, this idea that like
• 40:49
  all readers can separate fantasy from reality.
• 40:52
  And just because they excuse it here, this is me, they'll do it
• 40:54
  in real life. And you're like, I, I still have
• 40:57
  issues about this. Yeah, let me, let me read you
• 41:01
  some more extracts and we can talk about it a bit more.
• 41:03
  Nora says, don't get me started on the complexities of humans
• 41:06
  and their morals. It fascinates me how one
• 41:08
  person's experience and interpretation when reading
• 41:10
  varies so much from another person's experience.
• 41:12
  So it's reading the same words. This is just the ah, who was it?
• 41:19
  Stuart Hall. There we go.
• 41:20
  Stuart Halls, reception theory and how when you create a piece
• 41:24
  of media, what that's a book or a video or anything like that,
• 41:27
  you encode a certain message into it and you put it out into
• 41:30
  the world. And then readers or watchers or
• 41:33
  whoever's consuming your media decodes it in a certain way and
• 41:37
  you hope they will decode it in the way that you intended it to
• 41:39
  be decoded. However, everyone will decode a
• 41:42
  little different, and just because you encoded it one way,
• 41:45
  this doesn't mean it will be decoded that way and so on.
• 41:49
  That's a little oversimplification, but yeah,
• 41:52
  that's basically what's what's been spoken about there.
• 41:55
  Nora goes on to say. I'll get emails from readers
• 41:59
  telling me a book was way too vulgar and in the same day get
• 42:01
  an e-mail from a reader complaining that the same book
• 42:03
  wasn't edgy enough. It's also subjective and
• 42:06
  confusing to navigate, especially when you're reading
• 42:08
  these opinions that come through to you all day.
• 42:11
  We're up, we're down, we're back up, we're down again.
• 42:14
  And sometimes the same people who say books shouldn't be
• 42:16
  banned are the same people making a living or saying
• 42:18
  certain books should never have been written.
• 42:20
  And then they go on to review in detail all the reasons why the
• 42:23
  book shouldn't have been written and why the author shouldn't be
• 42:25
  an author. And then their next post is a
• 42:27
  rant about banning of books again.
• 42:29
  Make it make sense. Which is it?
• 42:31
  Ban the book or just beat the author down until they can't
• 42:33
  write anymore. And then some of them have the
• 42:35
  audacity to tag us in their rants as if we want to read
• 42:38
  about why we should quit our careers.
• 42:41
  I feel like this is just not handled well and it doesn't go
• 42:44
  into all the new answers and it ignores what a lot of the actual
• 42:47
  criticisms of Colleen and her work and her writing are, and
• 42:50
  also ignores a lot of the issues behind banning books.
• 42:53
  Right. Like I won't address it all here
• 42:55
  because I've gone over my thoughts numerous times in other
• 42:57
  videos, but I will just summarise by saying 1.
• 43:01
  I think Colleen is approaching this all far too simplistically
• 43:04
  and far too black and white. 2. She doesn't really understand
• 43:07
  her critics and it's just trying to make them look confused and
• 43:10
  stupid. And three, I don't necessarily
• 43:14
  think that this is the right or most effective format for this
• 43:18
  discussion. Based on Colleen's lack of
• 43:21
  writing skill, I don't think she can do it justice.
• 43:25
  I would potentially be praising this topic if another author
• 43:27
  tackled it, but it's a mixture of who has written it and how
• 43:30
  it's written that makes me find it quite difficult to read in
• 43:34
  general. Saying that it's somehow
• 43:37
  hypocritical to be against banning books in general,
• 43:40
  especially when those books talk about things like the Holocaust
• 43:44
  or cover LGBTQ plus issues or characters or things like that,
• 43:50
  or books that tackle racism when they're banned.
• 43:52
  That is absolutely problematic. However, that's not the same as
• 44:00
  criticising a book you don't like or that you think is
• 44:02
  harmful because, for example, it's romanticising abuse.
• 44:06
  You know what I mean? You have every right to critique
• 44:09
  that and be against banning books.
• 44:13
  Like it's not an either or, is it?
• 44:16
  And As for like all this discussion of like critics and
• 44:19
  stuff like that. And again, so another book that
• 44:22
  does the whole like kind of cancel culture thing if you
• 44:25
  will, but does it so much better in my opinion, is RF Kwong's
• 44:31
  Yellow Face, which sees a woman struggling with online criticism
• 44:35
  even when she absolutely 100% deserves it.
• 44:39
  She manages to write a far more fleshed out character and
• 44:42
  tackles these topics in a far better way.
• 44:44
  If you want to read a book on these topics, go read Yellow
• 44:47
  Face. Go read The Cows.
• 44:48
  Don't read Woman down. There's more discussion about
• 44:51
  how like they're asking if you have to have lived something to
• 44:55
  be able to write about it. And I think they're missing a
• 44:57
  big point here in that no one is saying Colleen Hoover needs to
• 45:03
  have had her husband cheat on her with her sister and then die
• 45:07
  in a car crash and leave her to have an affair with her
• 45:09
  brother-in-law and bring up her affair baby nephew.
• 45:12
  And have them bring up the affair baby nephew together
• 45:16
  before she can write about it. No one is saying that.
• 45:18
  No one's criticising Colleen for her lack of experiences.
• 45:22
  What we are saying is maybe a little more social awareness is
• 45:24
  necessary, for example, before she writes.
• 45:29
  I still can't believe this example.
• 45:31
  How about you actually, as an example, go out and meet some
• 45:36
  real Mexican people and interact with them before you write a
• 45:40
  book featuring one and create a harmful stereotype where you
• 45:44
  call your only person of colour in your story Javier Chorizo.
• 45:50
  Do you know what I mean? That's something where maybe a
• 45:52
  little experience in the real world actually meeting Mexican
• 45:56
  people might benefit you, you know, Or at least hire a
• 46:00
  sensitivity reader so you don't keep putting these racist
• 46:03
  stereotypes in your books. If she has non white people at
• 46:08
  all, like 90% of her characters are very very white.
• 46:12
  Actually probably more than 90%. Let's be real.
• 46:14
  My issue has not been with accepting criticism.
• 46:16
  My issue is I tend to believe the criticism is the only truth,
• 46:20
  and find it much more difficult to believe the positive
• 46:22
  feedback. Again, this is a very normal
• 46:25
  human thing, and normally I'd relish someone writing about
• 46:28
  this, but in this format, seeing as Colleen Hoover's the one to
• 46:32
  do it, and the fact that I agree with the negative criticisms of
• 46:37
  her? Not a fan, Petra.
• 46:41
  Colleen talks about things like, by the end of the night, I was
• 46:44
  convinced the people in that room, including Alistair, were
• 46:46
  right, that they knew better than I did about people I
• 46:50
  made-up in my own head. So she's talking about the film
• 46:54
  here and how, like, Alistair and the other producers kind of made
• 46:57
  her make some changes and convince her it was the right
• 46:59
  thing to do. I can't help but feel like this
• 47:01
  is a thinly veiled job at Justin Baldoni or Blake Lively or both
• 47:06
  of them. I don't know, probably Justin,
• 47:09
  to be honest. And again, it feels like Colleen
• 47:12
  just wanted to run and not actually write a novel.
• 47:15
  She's clearly got a lot of, like, anger, all the stuff that
• 47:19
  happened, and she's not over it. And I feel like maybe she needed
• 47:23
  to do a little bit more healing before she wrote a book like
• 47:27
  this. You know what I mean?
• 47:30
  Anyway, blah blah, Chapter 4. She has a caffeine addiction.
• 47:34
  I don't care. It never comes up again.
• 47:36
  Petra meets Mary, Mary as in Marigold.
• 47:41
  So Mary, the landlord's wife. They make a big deal about how
• 47:45
  it's pronounced. Mary.
• 47:46
  Not Mary, Not Marie. Mary.
• 47:49
  Colleen. Love.
• 47:50
  Colleen loves her stupid names, doesn't she?
• 47:53
  Mary is the landlord's wife, and Petra says she doesn't seem like
• 47:58
  she's keen to leave immediately. So the least I can do is be
• 48:00
  hospitable to this woman who would be the most unrealistic
• 48:04
  character if I wrote her straight into a book.
• 48:06
  Good one. Then there's a bunch of filler.
• 48:09
  I don't care. She's an actress, OK?
• 48:12
  I mean, that is, no, it's not relevant.
• 48:15
  It's not real. I thought I was going to be
• 48:16
  like, it's real. No, it's not relevant, it's not,
• 48:20
  Mary says to the Colleen Hoover self insert.
• 48:23
  You're so pretty successful and attractive.
• 48:26
  It's everything I dreamed of being.
• 48:28
  I kind of hate you. And this is just one of the
• 48:31
  reasons I'm struggling with this book.
• 48:32
  Colleen Hoover is just sucking up to herself constantly.
• 48:36
  Every bit of like vulnerability or self doubt or self-awareness
• 48:40
  is immediately undermined by Colleen writing a character who
• 48:42
  just gushes about the self insert of her.
• 48:46
  In chapter 5, Petra wakes up to police lights outside her little
• 48:50
  cabin. There's lots of moments like
• 48:52
  this. For a moment I can't tell if I'm
• 48:54
  dreaming or if this is real. And then there's a knock on her
• 48:57
  door and for a second I feel a strange disconnect, like this
• 49:00
  scene is happening to someone else and I'm watching it unfold.
• 49:04
  My eyes are still heavy with sleep, making the whole
• 49:06
  situation feel surreal, like I'm caught between a dream and
• 49:08
  reality. And I said in my original
• 49:10
  script, if she dares pull her and it was all a dream at any
• 49:13
  point in this book, I will riot. Thankfully that's not what she
• 49:17
  went with, thank God. But that was my working theory
• 49:20
  at this point. Like the police officer thing, a
• 49:24
  whole like a whole hallucination.
• 49:26
  That was my working theory, but even with the disorienting
• 49:28
  lights, there's one thing I can tell for sure.
• 49:30
  This is not your stereotypical doughnut and coffee for
• 49:33
  breakfast kind of cop. He's tall, broad shouldered, and
• 49:36
  muscular. The kind of guy who looks like
• 49:39
  he spends more time in a gym than a precinct.
• 49:42
  The sight of him is so authoritative and composed makes
• 49:46
  me suddenly hyper aware of my own appearance.
• 49:48
  I'm still in my robe, underdressed and vulnerable, a
• 49:51
  detail that makes me pull the rope tighter around my body.
• 49:53
  I have no idea why he's here, but part of me, maybe the writer
• 49:56
  in me, can't help but appreciate the timing.
• 49:59
  If I had to imagine what hot cop Cam from my book would look
• 50:02
  like, this guy would be it. So I literally said do not make
• 50:06
  her be imagining this. That would be so stupid.
• 50:10
  What we get is also stupid. But anyway, policeman is called
• 50:14
  Nathaniel St stupid name. He is married, he is hot.
• 50:19
  Petra is like Oh my God he is now my muse.
• 50:22
  Oh. As Officer St lowers his badge,
• 50:25
  putting it back into his pocket, I realise this isn't some dream
• 50:28
  or figment of my imagination. This is.
• 50:32
  Real. And I was like, you better not
• 50:34
  be lying to your audience, Colleen.
• 50:36
  Thankfully, she wasn't. Nathaniel is the typical Colleen
• 50:39
  Hoover male, love interest. Muscular, tall, his presence
• 50:43
  commanding but not overbearing. Why can she not write any other
• 50:47
  type of man? Anyway, turns out there was a
• 50:50
  police pursuit that ended on the road leading up to the lodge,
• 50:54
  the cabin, whatever, and the guy driving apparently killed
• 50:56
  himself. Petra doesn't know him.
• 50:58
  Cool. There is so much page filler and
• 51:02
  repetition At this point I'm just like, she was trying to
• 51:04
  meet a workout, wasn't she? I blow out a slow, shaky breath,
• 51:07
  trying to wrap my mind around what he just said.
• 51:09
  Self-inflicted. Someone came this close to my
• 51:12
  cabin, this close to me, and ended their life.
• 51:16
  Someone just killed themselves near here.
• 51:18
  I whispered, the words sounding hollow as they leave my lips.
• 51:21
  I don't know why I repeat them out loud.
• 51:22
  Maybe saying them helps me believe it.
• 51:24
  Or maybe I'm hoping there's some mistake that he'll correct me
• 51:27
  and assume and that he'll correct me and assure me it's
• 51:30
  not as bad as it sounds. The police officer gives her
• 51:33
  this warning that if she goes to town, she should wear a fake
• 51:36
  wedding ring and tell people she's married just so no one
• 51:39
  comes and attacks her while she's here alone.
• 51:42
  This is this was really confusing for me because at the
• 51:45
  time I was like, well, no, this now I've got to the end of the
• 51:49
  book is really confusing to me because I don't know why he was
• 51:53
  doing this. I don't know.
• 51:55
  Anyway, that's why it's never explained and it's never brought
• 51:58
  up again and it never comes up anywhere.
• 52:01
  It's irrelevant. But we have that.
• 52:03
  I think maybe it's just meant to point out the fact that she's
• 52:06
  very clearly not wearing a wedding ring at this point.
• 52:08
  I think he's trying to. I think Colleen is trying to
• 52:10
  like hammer that home and make it so we know, you know.
• 52:14
  Anyway, at seeing Mr Hot Policeman, Petra has finally got
• 52:18
  past her writer's block and she starts to write again with
• 52:20
  Nathaniel in her mind as Cam. In Chapter 6, she tells Nora
• 52:24
  about him and Nora says, you have to be making this up.
• 52:26
  You probably fell asleep at your keyboard and dreamt him.
• 52:29
  Dream thing again. There you go.
• 52:32
  Mary comes over and licks Colleen.
• 52:35
  Sorry, I mean Petra, she licks Petra's bum hole and Colleen's.
• 52:39
  You just act so pitiful when it comes to your career.
• 52:41
  I'm going to compliment that pitiful out of you before you
• 52:44
  leave here. We're now 25% of the way into
• 52:46
  the book and nothing has really happened.
• 52:47
  So it is a typical Colleen Hoover book.
• 52:49
  So far I actually know there's one major difference.
• 52:52
  Most Colleen Hoover books have a stranger die within the first
• 52:55
  page, or at least the first chapter of the book.
• 52:57
  This one took until chapter 5, so that's new.
• 53:00
  She restrained herself for once. Petra fantasises about the
• 53:04
  police officer like she's a teenager and not a 34 year old
• 53:07
  woman. She decides to text him because
• 53:09
  she is obsessing about him and thinks that he can help her
• 53:13
  research her book. He replies saying we've been
• 53:17
  short handed today, sorry about that.
• 53:19
  If it's not too late I can swing by on my way home.
• 53:22
  I reread his text. My stomach's swirling at the
• 53:24
  thought of seeing him again. There's something casual yet
• 53:26
  considerate in his tone, like he's apologising for being late
• 53:29
  to an unscheduled appointment whilst also offering to make it
• 53:32
  up to me. And though it's all business on
• 53:34
  the surface, I can't help but feel a search for excitement
• 53:37
  roll through me at the thought of him stopping by, even if it's
• 53:40
  just to take my statement. One is just doing his job.
• 53:43
  Calm down love. 2, he's a married man stop it.
• 53:46
  Calm down, love. If I'm honest with myself, it's
• 53:49
  more than that. There's a part of me that just
• 53:51
  wants to see him again, to spend a little more time in his
• 53:53
  presence, to feel that strange mix of curiosity and attraction
• 53:56
  that he sparked the first time he showed up at my door.
• 53:59
  Stop flirting with the married man.
• 54:01
  Stop creeping on the married man.
• 54:03
  It's not difficult. He's married, just you just
• 54:05
  don't do it. He texts back saying, I'm all
• 54:07
  yours, I'll be there in an hour. His response comes almost
• 54:10
  immediately, and it's that first sentence that makes my breath
• 54:12
  catch. I'm all yours.
• 54:15
  It's a simple phrase, probably meant as a professional gesture,
• 54:18
  but it hits me in a way I didn't expect.
• 54:20
  Excitement rolls through me, warm and electric as I read it.
• 54:23
  What is it with Colleen Hoover and constantly justifying people
• 54:28
  cheating on other people in her books?
• 54:30
  The knowledge that Calm is now inspired by Detective Nathaniel
• 54:34
  St has done wonders for my wait. He was an officer a minute ago.
• 54:37
  Now he's a detective. The knowledge of the Cam is now
• 54:40
  inspired by Detective Nathaniel. St has done wonders for my
• 54:43
  confidence in this story. It helps minimise the nagging
• 54:46
  fear I always have that readers will call my work unrealistic.
• 54:49
  How could it be unrealistic if I'm writing Raya's reactions to
• 54:53
  Cam based on my own reactions to Detective St?
• 54:56
  I've never felt more entry with my character and it's all
• 54:59
  because of him. I mean, if you're a poor writer,
• 55:02
  it doesn't really matter if your character's based on someone
• 55:04
  real or not. You're still a crappy writer.
• 55:06
  You know, this is something not in my script, but like, I've got
• 55:09
  to the end of the book now. And I know they say that like
• 55:13
  this whole like, cancellation thing was what kind of caused
• 55:18
  her writer's block, right? And so that's what's, like got
• 55:21
  her in this situation. But every time she talks about
• 55:24
  like why she has the writers block, she's actually like,
• 55:27
  well, I feel like my writings not realistic enough.
• 55:29
  I feel like it's this, it's this and she doesn't actually like
• 55:32
  none of it has anything to do with the cancellation.
• 55:35
  The cancellation and what happens in the rest of the book
• 55:38
  have no real link. I feel like she's writing two
• 55:42
  separate books, one about a counselled author and that we
• 55:45
  don't really get any conclusion there.
• 55:47
  And if it doesn't really help with that in any way, and then
• 55:50
  one about this woman struggling with the writer's block who gets
• 55:53
  a stalker police officer in her life.
• 55:55
  Do you know what I mean? And it's like they feel like
• 55:58
  separate. Like we could have cut out all
• 56:00
  this cancellation stuff and it would still be the same book.
• 56:03
  The cancellation stuff doesn't add anything.
• 56:06
  It's just her ranting about her real life.
• 56:10
  It's literally just for her. It does nothing for the book or
• 56:13
  the reader. So talking about or detective,
• 56:19
  he's definitely older than me, but not by a lot.
• 56:21
  Maybe four or five years, which would put him in his late 30s.
• 56:24
  There's something about him that feels grounded, experienced, but
• 56:27
  without the weariness you often see in people who've lived
• 56:29
  through too much. So at least we don't have a
• 56:32
  creepy age gap for once. That's some positive Colleen.
• 56:35
  He keeps flirting with her, with things like, you know, flashing
• 56:38
  that same slow smile, the one that feels just a little too
• 56:41
  knowing, a little too intentional.
• 56:42
  I don't know if he means for it to come off as seductive, but
• 56:44
  there's something about the way he holds my gaze that feels
• 56:47
  different and I don't know what to do with that.
• 56:50
  Normally I can hold my own in moments like this, especially
• 56:52
  when it comes to flirtation, but the fact he's wearing a wedding
• 56:55
  ring keeps me in check. Oh, clearly it doesn't.
• 56:58
  I don't flirt with other women's men.
• 57:00
  I've always drawn a firm line there.
• 57:02
  That'd be a first for Colleen Hoover character, but clearly
• 57:05
  she is flirting with him. Like, come on, you're lying to
• 57:08
  us. But then again, this isn't about
• 57:09
  me, Raya. My character would flirt with
• 57:12
  him. That's how her affair with Cam
• 57:14
  begins in the book, after all. She latches on to every
• 57:17
  flirtatious smile. He throws her away, turning it,
• 57:19
  turning it into a game, letting it pull her deeper into the
• 57:21
  affair that eventually consumes her.
• 57:24
  As I stand here watching Detective St move through my
• 57:26
  kitchen, a part of me wonders how much writing I could get
• 57:29
  done tonight if I let myself slip into Raya's skin for a
• 57:32
  little while. What if I became her, just for a
• 57:35
  moment? And there we go.
• 57:37
  That's the justification for the cheating.
• 57:39
  Typical. We we knew it had to be here.
• 57:41
  Colleen's like, well, yeah, cheating's bad, but not in this
• 57:45
  case. Policeman says instead of
• 57:48
  calling him Detective or Nathaniel or anything normal to
• 57:51
  call him by a surname. St and he gets really creepy.
• 57:55
  Well, I think it's meant to be flirty, but no, it comes off as
• 57:58
  creepy. He nods and for a moment I feel
• 58:01
  the air shift again, like whatever he's about to say might
• 58:03
  change the dynamic between us. I didn't sleep when I got home,
• 58:06
  but it had nothing to do with my job.
• 58:09
  My brow furrows slightly in confusion.
• 58:11
  Why couldn't you sleep? I googled you.
• 58:14
  He says, his tone matter of fact as if it's the most natural
• 58:17
  thing in the world. Watched a lot of your TikTok
• 58:19
  videos stalker. I, I have been on dates with
• 58:23
  people like this and trust me, it is not attractive.
• 58:26
  I, I hate it. They always build up this idea
• 58:28
  of you in their mind and they like the idea of you rather than
• 58:31
  the real you. It's, it's like not healthy.
• 58:35
  I mean, I do think it's normal to like do some level of like
• 58:37
  Googling and just like check out who this person is, Are they
• 58:40
  real, you know, that sort of thing.
• 58:41
  And like, even, like my Alex, like, after we've been on like,
• 58:45
  a couple of dates, he's like, yeah, I was curious and like, I
• 58:47
  Googled you and I'd like, he listened to, like, half of one
• 58:51
  of my podcast episodes, like, like the audio only versions on
• 58:54
  Spotify. And he was like, yeah, I liked
• 58:56
  it. But like, it felt weird because,
• 58:57
  like, I want to get to know you more and not, like, work you.
• 59:00
  And I was like, yes, thank you. Love that.
• 59:03
  So like, he was curious, but not, like, creepy.
• 59:07
  And like, he knew where to draw that line.
• 59:08
  And he was like, I want to know you.
• 59:10
  And I thought, I thought that was lovely.
• 59:12
  Some people aren't like that, like this creepy detective man.
• 59:16
  Well, that's a shame. He says his gay is never leaving
• 59:18
  mine. In your text, you said you
• 59:20
  wanted to pick my brain about what you writing about a cop, He
• 59:23
  says with a sexy emphasis. Ah, yes, that's sexy, sexy
• 59:28
  emphasis. Also, for some reason, everyone
• 59:32
  who meets Petra, including, like, Mary and now this guy,
• 59:35
  just assumes she's writing a romance novel when they say
• 59:38
  she's an author. And she's like, actually, it's
• 59:41
  romantic suspense, which is different, apparently.
• 59:46
  But I don't really like the kind of misogyny of just assuming
• 59:49
  every woman who writes as a romance author, You know what I
• 59:52
  mean? So on the one hand, I'd be like,
• 59:54
  yeah, it's good to call that out.
• 59:56
  Except the fact that she's still technically a romance.
• 1:00:01
  He starts flirting with her, too.
• 1:00:02
  And she's like, I can't write because I've never been a cop in
• 1:00:05
  a love triangle, so I need you. And he's like, ah, yes, you've
• 1:00:08
  never been in a love triangle. And then he starts playing with
• 1:00:11
  his wedding ring right in front of her.
• 1:00:13
  Absolute rubbish man, stop it. So they decide that the smart
• 1:00:17
  thing to do at this point is to drink wine together.
• 1:00:20
  And I'm confused here because like, he drove here, it's in the
• 1:00:23
  middle of nowhere in a small town.
• 1:00:25
  And I was like, you're drinking wine for this woman.
• 1:00:27
  Apparently you're going to go home after this.
• 1:00:28
  Like you better not drink and drive never comes up again.
• 1:00:32
  But I have a feeling you did and I'm not happy about it.
• 1:00:35
  Colleen then tries to quell the self insert accusations by
• 1:00:40
  talking about how even though Petra I'm actually going to keep
• 1:00:46
  track of all the names even though Petra is also right in a
• 1:00:48
  character that she's trying to get in the head off.
• 1:00:50
  Like Petra and Raya are so completely different and
• 1:00:54
  therefore Colleen and Petra must be different.
• 1:00:57
  Raya is very different from me. I began my voice a little softer
• 1:01:00
  now. I don't want you to think I took
• 1:01:02
  inspiration for her character from my own life.
• 1:01:05
  I'm sure you took some would be impossible not to, right?
• 1:01:08
  I suppose. But I do intentionally make my
• 1:01:10
  characters different from myself.
• 1:01:12
  It's fun living vicariously through them.
• 1:01:14
  She's only 26, but she's lived a busy life already, out of law
• 1:01:18
  school and practising. Ah yes, so Rhea isn't like Petra
• 1:01:24
  and therefore Petra isn't like Colleen because Petra's 34
• 1:01:28
  instead of 46 And I, well, at this point I said.
• 1:01:32
  And she's single instead of married because Colleen is
• 1:01:34
  married. And I was like, there you go. 2
• 1:01:37
  differences between them. They're entirely different
• 1:01:39
  characters. However, turns out there's only
• 1:01:42
  one difference between them. Petra and the police officer
• 1:01:45
  continue to flirt through the books plot.
• 1:01:49
  Like she's like, I know my plot and she starts talking about it
• 1:01:52
  and then they're using this to flirt.
• 1:01:54
  It's kind of weird. I don't like it.
• 1:01:56
  Petra narrates. Are we still talking about the
• 1:01:59
  book? Are we talking about us now?
• 1:02:02
  It's as though the conversation is taking on a double meaning
• 1:02:04
  that neither of us is acknowledging outright.
• 1:02:06
  I hate it. He's married.
• 1:02:07
  Stop it. St nods slowly, thinking it
• 1:02:10
  over. His eyes stay locked on mine.
• 1:02:11
  And then he asks. And that's never happened to
• 1:02:13
  you? You've never been kissed by a
• 1:02:15
  man who's married to another woman?
• 1:02:17
  St tilts his head slightly, his eyes narrowing as he considers
• 1:02:20
  my question. That does sound like something
• 1:02:23
  you would have to experience before you could really nail the
• 1:02:26
  emotions. You know, we've had the whole
• 1:02:28
  married man hits on an author thing before in Verity and yet
• 1:02:31
  somehow this man feels even more sleazy and creepy than literal
• 1:02:37
  murderer. Jeremy St gets a phone call and
• 1:02:39
  he's like Oh my God it's my wife and then he throws his phone
• 1:02:42
  away and kisses Petra. Disgusting.
• 1:02:47
  Like at least Jeremy waited until his wife was in a coma
• 1:02:50
  before he went and got with anyone else.
• 1:02:53
  I mean, admittedly, he put his wife in that coma, but at least
• 1:02:56
  he waited. No case has ever left me this
• 1:03:00
  breathless, this affected. Yeah, that'll be the guilt love
• 1:03:05
  then St stupid name. I'm going to keep saying it
• 1:03:07
  walks out after pulling away without saying a word.
• 1:03:10
  Just like Petra said Cam was meant to in her story.
• 1:03:14
  At this point, here's my theory. I was like, I'm still leaning
• 1:03:16
  towards her. This could be a figment of her
• 1:03:18
  imagination theory. Or he's going to pull the.
• 1:03:21
  I didn't mean any of it. I was just doing it to help with
• 1:03:23
  your book nonsense. Or he's going to do the half
• 1:03:26
  fake wedding ring. I'm not really married.
• 1:03:28
  I just pretended to be to help with your book.
• 1:03:31
  And I was like, but wait, doesn't he know stuff about the
• 1:03:33
  book that she hasn't told him in this conversation?
• 1:03:36
  And I was like, oh, you watched her live stream?
• 1:03:38
  He's like a crazy fan. That was my theory at this
• 1:03:40
  point. But either way, like whatever of
• 1:03:45
  these theories, like the imagination thing, they're like,
• 1:03:48
  I'm just making up as I go to help you or the I'm a crazy fan
• 1:03:51
  stalking you theory. I was like, I don't think if
• 1:03:54
  there's any way the story could end in a way that I would like,
• 1:03:58
  you know what I mean? I I don't know.
• 1:04:00
  I didn't like any of the theories I'd come up with.
• 1:04:03
  I didn't think they were good. Petra says.
• 1:04:05
  I'm smiling despite the guilt I feel for the betrayal.
• 1:04:08
  I'm somehow smiling because it doesn't feel like I've done
• 1:04:10
  anything wrong. It's research, right?
• 1:04:14
  Petra is possibly one of the least likeable Colleen Hoover
• 1:04:18
  protagonists I've ever read. And because it's a self insert,
• 1:04:21
  I think that says a lot. But I don't know.
• 1:04:24
  I don't know if like, I don't like her because I don't like
• 1:04:26
  Colleen or because I don't like her and she's a self insert.
• 1:04:29
  It's making me dislike Colleen even more, who's maybe a
• 1:04:34
  cyclical. I don't know.
• 1:04:35
  Who's to say? In Chapter 7, Petra brags about
• 1:04:39
  the cheating policeman to marry the wife down the road.
• 1:04:42
  Remember who replies with the worst line of the book so far?
• 1:04:46
  You're parking the poker that was really written and
• 1:04:49
  published. The married woman, Marie, then
• 1:04:52
  supports her having an affair with a married man because,
• 1:04:55
  well, good for you. I've been married to Louis since
• 1:04:58
  I was 17 and it wasn't until I was in my 50s I realised my lips
• 1:05:01
  had never touched another man's. Unlikely.
• 1:05:02
  Never would at that point because I was in my 50s and
• 1:05:06
  Louis was healthy as an ox. And to be honest, it made me
• 1:05:08
  kind of sad because what if Louis is a terrible kisser?
• 1:05:11
  What if we aren't even doing it right?
• 1:05:13
  How would we know when we've only experienced each other?
• 1:05:16
  Now my youth is gone and the thought of Louis putting his
• 1:05:19
  tongue in my mouth makes me want to walk right out.
• 1:05:21
  Makes me want to walk right out there to the spot where that
• 1:05:23
  young man ended his life the other night and do the exact
• 1:05:26
  same thing. That's just disrespectful as
• 1:05:28
  hell, isn't it? Like I'm just saying with all
• 1:05:32
  the stuff, Colleen is right in here.
• 1:05:34
  If I was her husband I would be very concerned.
• 1:05:37
  I know, I know. She was like, don't read into my
• 1:05:39
  life, but love, I'm reading into your life and it's terrifying.
• 1:05:43
  I would be concerned if I was him.
• 1:05:46
  And here's what's confusing because it literally says my
• 1:05:49
  lips had never touched another man's.
• 1:05:52
  That's pretty straight to the point.
• 1:05:54
  That's not like I've never had another relationship.
• 1:05:57
  That's not like I've never had another romantic kisses.
• 1:05:59
  My lips have never touched another man's.
• 1:06:01
  Which is ridiculous because she then goes on to rant about
• 1:06:03
  having to do kissing scenes as an actress.
• 1:06:07
  So your lips have touched another man's.
• 1:06:09
  They weren't romantic kisses. They will work, I get it, but
• 1:06:13
  your lips have literally touched another man's many times.
• 1:06:17
  The way she talks about this stuff, it's weird because with
• 1:06:21
  all the IT ends with those film accusations about stuff that
• 1:06:24
  happened on set and the lack of intimacy coordinators and so on,
• 1:06:27
  it just feels off. It just feels off that she's
• 1:06:33
  right in this. I laugh.
• 1:06:34
  Have you ever kissed a Co star for a role?
• 1:06:36
  I ask her a couple of times but those don't count.
• 1:06:39
  Make out scenes aren't actually make out scenes are actually
• 1:06:42
  terrible. You have some sweaty director in
• 1:06:44
  a chair 5 feet away yelling action at the two of you and the
• 1:06:47
  heat from the lights is making you both sweat.
• 1:06:49
  While the guy you're being forced to pretend to want to
• 1:06:50
  kiss has been a whiny little bitch for the last solid for the
• 1:06:53
  last two solid weeks and you'd rather be strangling him with
• 1:06:56
  your hands and your tongue? Sounds awful.
• 1:06:59
  It's very, very hard being an actress.
• 1:07:02
  OK, going home out of alcohol again.
• 1:07:05
  This is a dig at Justin Poldoni, right?
• 1:07:07
  Like it's not even thinly veiled.
• 1:07:08
  This is just so. Throughout all this, Mary has
• 1:07:11
  been day drinking by herself. But just in case the alcohol
• 1:07:13
  problem wasn't obvious enough to the reader, Colleen has her say
• 1:07:17
  say it out. Colleen has her say it out loud.
• 1:07:20
  Hell, this is my third mimosa today.
• 1:07:22
  I probably won't even remember it happened by the time I make
• 1:07:24
  it home. Thank you.
• 1:07:26
  As Mary is walking away, she says.
• 1:07:27
  And yes, I possibly am an alcoholic, but I'm too old for
• 1:07:30
  intervention, so don't even try. Don't you just love it when an
• 1:07:33
  author explains everything to you because they don't trust the
• 1:07:36
  reader? And don't you just love it when
• 1:07:38
  they make a joke out of a genuine struggle and addiction
• 1:07:41
  that some people have and in some way, like, glamorise
• 1:07:43
  alcoholism? I mean, you're glamorising
• 1:07:45
  cheating, so you might as well throw alcoholism into the mix as
• 1:07:48
  well, right? Mary then leaves and Petra
• 1:07:50
  complaints that she's struggling to write again because the
• 1:07:52
  cheating policeman hasn't text her yet.
• 1:07:55
  And here's something that I noticed at this point, I was
• 1:07:57
  like, Petra only ever interacts with one person at a time in
• 1:08:00
  this book. Why has she never seen the
• 1:08:02
  husband and wife Louis and Mary together?
• 1:08:05
  That's a bit weird. I was like, here was my theory.
• 1:08:08
  At this point, she's had some sort of psychotic break brought
• 1:08:12
  on by the whole cancellation. And, you know, she's gone a bit
• 1:08:15
  crazy and all of this stuff that's happening are figments of
• 1:08:18
  her imagination. There's no Louis, there's no
• 1:08:21
  Mary, there's no policeman. She is in this cabin in the
• 1:08:23
  woods. She's the alcoholic drinking
• 1:08:25
  mimosas in the daytime and she's just hallucinating all these
• 1:08:28
  people, and by the end of the book she'll have gone like
• 1:08:32
  completely crazy and hallucinate at this whole thing.
• 1:08:34
  But it's OK because she's written the best book she's ever
• 1:08:37
  written and people love her again or some nonsense like
• 1:08:39
  that, but she still has the hallucinations.
• 1:08:42
  I may have been reading too much Freedom McFadden for videos
• 1:08:45
  recently. That was my theory.
• 1:08:48
  That's a very Freedom McFadden theory, isn't it?
• 1:08:50
  She would do that. It's not what Colleen did
• 1:08:52
  though. It's not, sadly.
• 1:08:54
  I actually think I would have liked the hallucination thing a
• 1:08:57
  bit more. I don't know.
• 1:08:59
  It's growing on me now. I know the real ending and I
• 1:09:01
  kind of hate it. The hallucination theory is
• 1:09:04
  growing on me. Anyway, I talked to Nora last
• 1:09:07
  night, but I didn't tell her about the kiss.
• 1:09:10
  Other than Mary, who knows next to nothing about me or my life,
• 1:09:12
  I'm never telling anyone. That is definitely something I
• 1:09:15
  want to keep private. I've always been a private
• 1:09:17
  person and this, well, this feels too personal, too
• 1:09:21
  complicated to share, even with my best friend.
• 1:09:24
  And I was like, see, she can't tell Nora because she's real,
• 1:09:28
  but she can tell these strangers like Mary because they're
• 1:09:30
  actually not real and in her head.
• 1:09:32
  So she's just telling herself, you know, that was my work in
• 1:09:35
  theory. Then there's more justifying of
• 1:09:37
  the cheating. Is this really any different
• 1:09:40
  from 2 actors kissing for the camera?
• 1:09:42
  It's art. Yes, it's different and no, it's
• 1:09:45
  not art. You're still cheating.
• 1:09:48
  She texts him again. He flirts back like the piece of
• 1:09:50
  crap that he is. Are you having writers block
• 1:09:53
  again? More than happy to help.
• 1:09:55
  Winky face. Holy poop.
• 1:09:57
  He even added a wink. I wasn't expecting that.
• 1:10:00
  I wasn't even really expecting him to respond.
• 1:10:02
  But that reply proves that we're both on the same page after that
• 1:10:05
  kiss a couple of days ago. You're a 34 year old woman
• 1:10:07
  getting excited about a wink emoji.
• 1:10:09
  The lack of maturity is so confusing to me as someone like
• 1:10:13
  because I'm like almost the same age, right?
• 1:10:15
  I'm coming up to 33 and I get you have that excitement when
• 1:10:19
  you're texting someone you like and it's new and it's flirting
• 1:10:21
  and like, oh, you get those butterflies.
• 1:10:22
  I love that feeling. Absolutely wonderful.
• 1:10:25
  However, getting excited because a married man sent you a winky
• 1:10:29
  face is just, it feels immature. She basically just tells him
• 1:10:34
  that she needs his help to research what having an affair
• 1:10:37
  is like and he's like, 'cause he's be there in an hour.
• 1:10:40
  This is the stupidest thing I've ever read researching modern
• 1:10:44
  affairs. Like how about instead of
• 1:10:45
  instead of having an affair, you just like go and speak to some
• 1:10:48
  people have been cheated on or who have done the cheating and
• 1:10:51
  be like, hey, what was it like for you?
• 1:10:52
  You can research without having to like wreck marriages and ruin
• 1:10:56
  people's life. You know, I said his actions
• 1:10:58
  could be explained and justified in a way if he's not actually
• 1:11:03
  married and he's just trying to help her by lying about being
• 1:11:06
  married or if he's like actually separated or something like
• 1:11:09
  that. I can see Colleen writing
• 1:11:10
  something like that to try and redeem him.
• 1:11:13
  But Petra pursuing him in this way when she's fully believes
• 1:11:16
  he's definitely still married and with his wife is not
• 1:11:19
  redeemable. And what we learn about Petra
• 1:11:21
  soon, which I've already hinted at, is also not redeemable.
• 1:11:24
  So he turns up and does like a weird role play as the character
• 1:11:26
  in his story, and she's calling him Cam and he's calling her
• 1:11:29
  Rea. He backs me up two steps, his
• 1:11:31
  mouth never leaving mine, and kicks the door shut behind him
• 1:11:34
  with an easy motion. I can only stay an hour.
• 1:11:36
  He murmurs against my lips, his breath warm on my skin.
• 1:11:39
  I wish I could stay all night. I blink, pulling back slightly
• 1:11:42
  in my mind, trying to catch up on my mind, trying to catch up
• 1:11:46
  to what's happening. Is he in character right now?
• 1:11:48
  The way he's kissing me, the way he's speaking, it's as if he's
• 1:11:51
  channelling calm, but I don't know if that's intentional or if
• 1:11:54
  I'm projecting. The line between St and calm is
• 1:11:57
  becoming increasingly muddled, and I'm starting to wonder if
• 1:11:59
  he's doing it on purpose. This kiss, this greeting feels
• 1:12:03
  like something Cam would do at this point in the story, but
• 1:12:06
  would St? Under normal circumstances?
• 1:12:09
  I doubt it. But in this moment, nothing
• 1:12:11
  feels normal. And I, I said at this point, in
• 1:12:16
  new theory, he's an actor slash prostitute.
• 1:12:19
  And Nora the friend has hired him to help her friend out.
• 1:12:24
  After the conversation they had on the live stream, Nora thinks
• 1:12:27
  that sending this guy around to inspire Petra will help her
• 1:12:30
  write. Hence the stupid name of
• 1:12:32
  Nathaniel St because Nora's an author too, and just as terrible
• 1:12:36
  as Colleen, who, sorry, just as horrible as Petra just flipping
• 1:12:39
  out now. And so Nathaniel St is exactly
• 1:12:43
  the kind of stupid name she would come up with.
• 1:12:46
  Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. I mean, like, even in universe,
• 1:12:49
  they're like, oh, my God. It sounds like.
• 1:12:51
  Sounds so fictional. Sounds.
• 1:12:54
  The whole scene feels surreal, like we slipped into an
• 1:12:56
  alternate reality where this is just what we do.
• 1:12:59
  Share wine, exchange kisses, play out a story that might not
• 1:13:02
  even be ours. How's your day?
• 1:13:05
  Sorry, I'm playing with lipstick here.
• 1:13:06
  How's your day, Raya? He asks the name of my
• 1:13:09
  character, slipping from his lips as if it always belonged
• 1:13:11
  there. The shift in tone and context
• 1:13:14
  makes me realise with certainty that he's completely in
• 1:13:16
  character right now. I have to bite back my smile at
• 1:13:19
  the realisation. I hope he's being paid for this,
• 1:13:22
  otherwise this is a completely unhinged thing for a random man
• 1:13:25
  to do. He better be a prostitute or an
• 1:13:28
  actor, but you just know they're going to have sex.
• 1:13:30
  It's a because it's a Colleen Hoover book, so I'm thinking
• 1:13:33
  prostitute. What kind of guy is Cam?
• 1:13:35
  His question is laced with curiosity, but his lips never
• 1:13:38
  stop moving against my skin. I open my eyes, the reality of
• 1:13:41
  the moment sinking in. If he's asking about Cam, does
• 1:13:43
  that mean he's kissing me a St right now?
• 1:13:45
  Or is this real? Is this real or is this part of
• 1:13:47
  the game we've been playing? God I hope it's real.
• 1:13:51
  This is not healthy or normal. Grow up.
• 1:13:53
  Petra tells St the whole plot of her book basically and how she's
• 1:13:58
  and how the character of Reya has had like a crap tonne of
• 1:14:00
  trauma and she says blah blah she's been through a lot.
• 1:14:04
  She loses her best friend, there's an attempted kidnapping,
• 1:14:07
  a car chase, someone breaks into her house.
• 1:14:10
  Saints eyes narrow in concern. Does anyone ever hurt her?
• 1:14:13
  Yes I admit she gets hurt towards the end of the book.
• 1:14:16
  The person who breaks into her house after he ties her up she
• 1:14:19
  realises her arm is broken. And I said at this point, since
• 1:14:24
  she lost her best friend, like, like her best friend was like,
• 1:14:28
  like she's gone missing or something.
• 1:14:29
  And that's how she meets the detective.
• 1:14:31
  So I said, if something happens to Nora in like, the real world,
• 1:14:35
  we'll know that Nora's paying for all this to happen, right?
• 1:14:38
  Because like, you know, she's trying to like, replicate the
• 1:14:41
  book in real life or something like that.
• 1:14:43
  That was my theory. That doesn't happen.
• 1:14:44
  Nothing happens to Nora, sadly. She's fine.
• 1:14:47
  I mean, like, I thought she's like fake her own kidnapping or
• 1:14:49
  something, but she didn't. That's OK, But I did say, what
• 1:14:52
  are we betting this book ends with Petra having someone break
• 1:14:54
  into her her cabin and tie her up?
• 1:14:57
  Yeah, I was right and I was wrong.
• 1:14:59
  It happens just a lot earlier than I thought it would.
• 1:15:02
  I thought this would be like the climax of the book, new.
• 1:15:06
  There's more Petra as a self insert for Colleen nonsense with
• 1:15:09
  her trying to justify why she won't say anything publicly
• 1:15:11
  about Justin Baldoni. And she tries to garner some
• 1:15:14
  pity in the process. Of course.
• 1:15:16
  Have to pay the bills. I say flatly.
• 1:15:18
  The hard truth behind the dream breaks through the kindness of
• 1:15:20
  the moment. I'm sure I'll still sell books
• 1:15:22
  when I release another one, which is why I'm writing.
• 1:15:25
  But my desire has changed. My my audience has changed.
• 1:15:28
  I think that's what makes me saddest.
• 1:15:30
  I feel like I've let down everyone who used to admire me.
• 1:15:33
  I separate myself from him and pull my hand and put my hands on
• 1:15:36
  my hips. I'm just not the type to try and
• 1:15:39
  change people's minds. If me defending myself will
• 1:15:42
  require me to speak I'll of someone else.
• 1:15:44
  I'd rather just take the loss. Then we're back to more
• 1:15:47
  nonsense. I realise, as he kisses me again
• 1:15:50
  with a smile, that he sees me. He truly sees me.
• 1:15:54
  Beyond rare, beyond calm, beyond the initial physical attraction.
• 1:15:59
  He sees Petra, the struggling author, and he's offering me a
• 1:16:03
  listening ear instead of just another nosy inquisition.
• 1:16:07
  This is a man you've met three times and been alone with for
• 1:16:09
  all of about 15 minutes. Shut up.
• 1:16:14
  He gets another call from his wife or Nora perhaps, and then
• 1:16:20
  he leaves and Petra just flat out tells the reader that she's
• 1:16:23
  getting confused between fantasy and reality again.
• 1:16:26
  We know. We can see it.
• 1:16:28
  You don't need to keep repeating it and telling us over and over
• 1:16:30
  again. Colleen, learn how to show
• 1:16:32
  instead of tell sometimes, please.
• 1:16:34
  Chapter 8 And St invites Petra out to dinner in the next town
• 1:16:40
  over. Petra thinks it's because he
• 1:16:41
  doesn't want to be recognised with someone who isn't his wife
• 1:16:43
  in this town. But I think it's because he's
• 1:16:45
  not a real police officer here and he's this actor slash
• 1:16:48
  prostitute. And she'll realise that if they
• 1:16:50
  go out there because no one will recognise him and it'll blow his
• 1:16:53
  cover because like, there's all these weird inconsistencies,
• 1:16:56
  right? Because he's meant to be this
• 1:16:57
  detective. And detectives always wear plain
• 1:17:00
  clothes. They wear, like, the suits and
• 1:17:02
  stuff, right? But he turned up the first night
• 1:17:06
  wearing a regular police uniform, like an officer's
• 1:17:09
  uniform. And he just plays it off as I
• 1:17:11
  go. It's just this military thing.
• 1:17:12
  But that's nonsense. Like, it clearly just went to a
• 1:17:15
  costume shop. Petra goes to tell Mary about
• 1:17:19
  her date, and we finally get a scene of Mary and Louie
• 1:17:21
  together. So it's like, OK, they're not
• 1:17:23
  figments of her imagination. Well, maybe they're.
• 1:17:25
  No, they're probably not Probably not.
• 1:17:28
  I'm wondering if they're in on the fake policeman thing though,
• 1:17:32
  and maybe Nora paid them too. I'm still going with the Nora
• 1:17:35
  said it all up theory. There's that.
• 1:17:37
  Anyway, blah blah blah. She gets to the bar slash
• 1:17:40
  restaurant, they flirt, Petra gets confused again.
• 1:17:44
  I literally do not know if I'm speaking to Cam or St right now.
• 1:17:47
  I don't know how he does it pretend so well, and if he isn't
• 1:17:51
  pretending he's convincing because I am so much more ease
• 1:17:54
  than I was 5 minutes ago. It's very repetitive.
• 1:17:57
  Still unhealthy as hell. And also maybe he's so good at
• 1:18:00
  pretending because he's a paid actor.
• 1:18:04
  Just saying. In Chapter 9 Petra's written
• 1:18:07
  more and she shows it to Nora. This is so funny.
• 1:18:12
  She quotes from Petra's book, the man who always seems to be
• 1:18:16
  running from something even when he's standing still.
• 1:18:20
  Nora practically yells the line back at me.
• 1:18:22
  Petra, this is so good. I'm so invested in this story
• 1:18:26
  and you just sent me one chapter.
• 1:18:27
  When will you have more? You think this line is peak
• 1:18:32
  writing? I don't know what to tell you.
• 1:18:34
  I feel like Colleen Hoover wouldn't know good writing if it
• 1:18:36
  slapped her in the face. I'm sorry.
• 1:18:38
  I'm being quite mean in this one, but I just, there's so
• 1:18:41
  little to redeem this book. And Colleen, I'm just, I have no
• 1:18:44
  patience anymore. I'm sorry, Nora keeps asking
• 1:18:48
  things like, are you happy with what you've written so far?
• 1:18:50
  You're not going to toss it and start over and confuse me by
• 1:18:52
  changing the entire plot line. And I was like, ah, she's
• 1:18:55
  definitely orchestrated this whole thing.
• 1:18:57
  Right. And she's hired St.
• 1:18:59
  I bet. Yeah.
• 1:19:00
  And I'm like, she doesn't want the plot line to change because
• 1:19:03
  then that would, like, change what she's having St do.
• 1:19:07
  I'm. That's what I'm thinking.
• 1:19:10
  Well, now 42% of the way through the book and I feel like I'm
• 1:19:13
  still waiting for it to start, you know?
• 1:19:15
  Why does so little happen in Colleen Hoover books?
• 1:19:19
  So I was reading this Reddit thread the other day which
• 1:19:23
  pointed out the difference between writing dialogue scenes
• 1:19:25
  for books versus films, and how for film, because you have so
• 1:19:29
  much less time, you have to make things shorter and snappier, and
• 1:19:32
  how that doesn't translate well to novels because it results in
• 1:19:36
  the dialogue lacking any real depth, you know?
• 1:19:39
  So this comment in particular stood out to me.
• 1:19:41
  That says a conversation in a book that might take 20 minutes
• 1:19:44
  to read or act out is way too long for a movie.
• 1:19:46
  Basically any emotional beat on film is 10 minutes at most, and
• 1:19:50
  usually much shorter. That means you have to truncate
• 1:19:52
  it if you were to directly translate it to film, but that
• 1:19:56
  also means simplifying the rhetoric and motivations behind
• 1:19:59
  them. Screen writers tend to write
• 1:20:01
  short, punchy dialogue or quips because of this.
• 1:20:04
  Blah blah blah. That said, if you watch only
• 1:20:06
  movies then copy that into your book, you'll have a conversation
• 1:20:09
  that ends way too fast and motivations that feel hollow.
• 1:20:13
  Unfortunately, this is exactly how a lot of books feel today.
• 1:20:16
  So there's no one novel style dialogue anymore.
• 1:20:19
  But a book allows you on the space to develop your ideas.
• 1:20:22
  And I feel like this is Colleen's problem.
• 1:20:24
  She's writing film style dialogue in her books.
• 1:20:28
  In her novels, it feels like it's all just she went here, she
• 1:20:31
  did this, she said this, see Nova?
• 1:20:34
  It all ends way too quickly. All feels very hollow, this
• 1:20:37
  whole thing, like, because they're meant to have this like,
• 1:20:40
  rich, deep connection, but they've spent like 15 minutes
• 1:20:43
  together. Like it doesn't make sense
• 1:20:46
  anyway. More angst, more repetition.
• 1:20:49
  It's just the same thing over and over.
• 1:20:51
  There's no real character development at this point, or
• 1:20:54
  any point really. My least favourite part is the
• 1:20:56
  dread I feel knowing she may welcome back and tell me the
• 1:20:59
  manuscript isn't working. That I still don't know how to
• 1:21:02
  write a love triangle even though I'm risking so much by
• 1:21:04
  playing a part in one. I was so confused here and I
• 1:21:08
  This is why I said in the script I'm confused by what she
• 1:21:10
  apparently is risking here. She keeps going on and on about
• 1:21:13
  how she keeps her private life and relationships private, so
• 1:21:16
  it's not like she'd face any public backlash for having an
• 1:21:19
  affair with someone else's husband.
• 1:21:20
  Likely she doesn't know anyone else in this town.
• 1:21:22
  She doesn't know his wife. She only seems to have one
• 1:21:25
  friend in the world who doesn't seem like she'd actually judge
• 1:21:27
  her that much since, you know, she's constantly licking a bum
• 1:21:30
  hole. So what is the risk?
• 1:21:32
  What we find out later means? Yeah, OK, there's there's more
• 1:21:34
  risk. And I get why she said it, but
• 1:21:36
  at this point, it didn't make sense to me.
• 1:21:39
  OK, I have to go and catch a train, but I will be back to
• 1:21:42
  film the rest of this another day.
• 1:21:44
  And we actually get some action next.
• 1:21:46
  All right, so just brace yourself.
• 1:21:49
  Get ready for this. Something happens.
• 1:21:52
  It's not well written or interesting, but something
• 1:21:55
  happens at least. Stolen the baby.
• 1:21:58
  Oh my gosh. Oh, I've got the baby bear back
• 1:22:01
  today. I got that baby back.
• 1:22:04
  I got you baby back. Thank you, gorgeous.
• 1:22:06
  We love you. We love you.
• 1:22:08
  Can't say hi to everyone. Everyone's been wishing you
• 1:22:11
  well. I've once been hoping you get
• 1:22:12
  better. I know they've all been so
• 1:22:14
  lovely and kind. Is there anything you'd like to
• 1:22:16
  say to your audience, your fans? Because this is your channel,
• 1:22:19
  isn't it? You say thank you.
• 1:22:23
  Say thank you for looking after me.
• 1:22:24
  Everyone, thank you. I love you.
• 1:22:31
  I made you want to go. Beautiful girl.
• 1:22:33
  There you go. Careful.
• 1:22:39
  Love you. OK, Day 2 of filming.
• 1:22:42
  Let's get through this. So where were we in the book?
• 1:22:45
  Petra falls asleep. Oh, this is where it gets wild.
• 1:22:48
  Oh, I stopped at such an inopportune moment.
• 1:22:51
  It gets crazy at this point. Like, it's ridiculous.
• 1:22:55
  So Petra falls asleep, but she wakes in the night to a shadow
• 1:22:59
  in her bedroom. I was like, Nora's paying people
• 1:23:02
  to reenact this whole book, isn't she?
• 1:23:04
  She's like, hired someone to do this.
• 1:23:06
  You know, the whole breaking in and tying up scene.
• 1:23:08
  It's got to be, I expected this to come at the end of the book
• 1:23:11
  and policeman's going to come in and save her, but it didn't
• 1:23:16
  exactly go the way I expected. It was worse than I expected.
• 1:23:22
  It comes in at like a third of the way into the book.
• 1:23:25
  And, well, you'll see. You'll see, And just to warn
• 1:23:28
  you, this is not pleasant to watch.
• 1:23:30
  It's actually kind of terrifying.
• 1:23:32
  A hand, large, strong, wraps around my ankle with a brutal
• 1:23:35
  grip, yanking me backwards with such force that I lose all sense
• 1:23:38
  of balance. Why does that sentence sound
• 1:23:40
  like it was written by AI? Sorry.
• 1:23:42
  Anyway. My hands claw at the blankets,
• 1:23:45
  trying to find something to hold onto, but it's useless.
• 1:23:47
  I slide across the bed, my body dragged towards the figure.
• 1:23:49
  My phone slips on my fingers, tumbling off the mattress with a
• 1:23:51
  dull 3rd as it hits the floor. I'm crying now as my chest
• 1:23:54
  heaves with panic, the hand around my ankle Titans cold and
• 1:23:57
  unrelenting, pulling me closer to the edge of the bed.
• 1:24:00
  I kick out with my other leg, desperate.
• 1:24:02
  To break free. But but it's no use.
• 1:24:04
  I'm trapped, helpless. I said if her friend is the one
• 1:24:08
  who set this up then she is disgusting.
• 1:24:10
  You don't traumatise someone for a book.
• 1:24:12
  So I was really hoping my theory was wrong.
• 1:24:14
  Thankfully it was Nora did not set this up.
• 1:24:18
  That said, the person who did is disgusting and should not be
• 1:24:21
  forgiven, and you'll see who it is in a second.
• 1:24:24
  What follows is a really horrible scene of Petra being
• 1:24:27
  dragged around the cabin and hurt through it all.
• 1:24:30
  She thinks it's St and she calls out to him and she begs him to
• 1:24:32
  stop, but there's no response from the attacker.
• 1:24:35
  She's tied to a chair. She is tied to a chair just like
• 1:24:38
  Rea in the story she's writing. Then the attacker just leaves
• 1:24:41
  because yeah, that's logical, right?
• 1:24:43
  Sorry if you can hear cubes snoring in the background.
• 1:24:45
  I just have to take a break while I calmed her down a bit
• 1:24:47
  because she's, you know, she's not been well and she just
• 1:24:49
  stresses a little bit. So she had a little yap and then
• 1:24:51
  we had a little play, took her out for a week, gave her a
• 1:24:54
  biscuit and now she said I'm not a sneeze in a basket.
• 1:24:56
  So I'm going to try and be a little bit quieter while I'm
• 1:24:57
  filming, if that's OK. And if you can hear her snores,
• 1:24:59
  I apologise, but I'm on a deadline, so let's try and get
• 1:25:03
  through this. So Petra spends an hour
• 1:25:05
  wriggling her wrists free from the ropes and then tries to call
• 1:25:07
  the police. But oh, what a surprise.
• 1:25:10
  Just as she's about to hit 9, not 99, what's in American 911,
• 1:25:15
  Saint shows up her cabin. And I was like, oh, when the
• 1:25:18
  hell he knew to be there. Almost like he's being paid to
• 1:25:21
  follow a script. But Petra is dumb.
• 1:25:23
  And she says, my mind is spinning.
• 1:25:24
  I have so many questions, but none of them makes sense right
• 1:25:26
  now. All I know is that he's here,
• 1:25:28
  that he came back, and that somehow I'm still not safe.
• 1:25:32
  There's no reason he would show up here at this time of night.
• 1:25:34
  Not at all. Please tell me what happened.
• 1:25:36
  He says he did this. I know he did.
• 1:25:39
  There's no other explanation. No one else would know where I
• 1:25:41
  am. No one else would know how to
• 1:25:43
  get in and how to. No one else would know how to
• 1:25:45
  get in, how to cut the power. Only someone like a cop would
• 1:25:48
  know these things. Someone like a cop also being
• 1:25:51
  played to play a cop. But seriously, no, There's
• 1:25:53
  plenty of people who could do this, not just police officers.
• 1:25:56
  So I don't really understand the point in this line.
• 1:25:58
  And Petra, being smart for once in her life, pushes him away and
• 1:26:02
  blames him and then runs to the bathroom.
• 1:26:05
  And here's where she's dumb again.
• 1:26:06
  She showers. Yeah, you've just been attacked.
• 1:26:09
  You need to call the police because you've just been
• 1:26:11
  attacked and you're going to be covered in his DNA evidence.
• 1:26:14
  Don't shower it off. Anyway, that chapter ends with
• 1:26:16
  her showering and in chapter 10, St admits that it was him who
• 1:26:21
  broke in. So I was thinking Nora would
• 1:26:23
  have had like 2 actors want to be the bad guy, want to be the
• 1:26:25
  police, but no, it's all him. He's like, I pretended to be the
• 1:26:29
  bad guy and assaulted you and tied you up and all this stuff
• 1:26:33
  and because he's like, I thought it's what you wanted.
• 1:26:36
  Obviously Petra is traumatised and a mess and she's shopping
• 1:26:40
  and she's absolutely sobbing in the shower.
• 1:26:42
  So of course, being the man who traumatised her, he thinks the
• 1:26:45
  sensible thing to do is invade her privacy even more by barging
• 1:26:49
  into the shower with her while she's naked.
• 1:26:52
  God, Petra. Saints voice breaks to the sound
• 1:26:54
  of the water, soft and full of remorse.
• 1:26:56
  I am so sorry His. His words hang in the air but
• 1:27:00
  they don't offer the comfort I need.
• 1:27:01
  He doesn't get to apologise, not after what he's done, not after
• 1:27:05
  the way he's crossed every line. But even as my mind screams at
• 1:27:08
  him, as I tell myself that I should hate him for this, my
• 1:27:10
  body betrays me. Stop it.
• 1:27:13
  I hate this. I said no, but my body said yes.
• 1:27:15
  Nonsense. I can't stop crying.
• 1:27:17
  I can't stop shaking. I keep my hands over my face,
• 1:27:20
  not wanting him to see me like this, but I can feel his
• 1:27:22
  presence getting closer. I'm shocked when I feel the
• 1:27:25
  water shift and then his arms wrap around me against my bare
• 1:27:27
  skin and for a moment I'm too stunned to react.
• 1:27:30
  He stepped into the shower with me fully dressed, his clothes
• 1:27:33
  now soaking wet, but his but his arms hold me tightly, as if he's
• 1:27:37
  afraid to let go. I don't understand why I'm
• 1:27:39
  allowing him to do this. I don't understand anything
• 1:27:42
  anymore. I should push him away.
• 1:27:43
  I should scream at him, yell, do something to make him understand
• 1:27:46
  how wrong this all is. Yeah, you should.
• 1:27:49
  But instead, I stand here, leaning against his chest, my
• 1:27:52
  body trembling, my sobs muffled by the fabric of his shirt.
• 1:27:55
  As much as I hate myself for it, as much as I want to punch him,
• 1:27:59
  to make him feel even a fraction of the fear and confusion I
• 1:28:01
  felt, I can't deny that in this moment, I need him.
• 1:28:05
  No love, you need therapy. When you tell me about your
• 1:28:08
  book, St begins, his voice softer than I've ever heard it.
• 1:28:11
  I thought you were asking me to stop it.
• 1:28:14
  And This is why role plays should be discussed beforehand
• 1:28:17
  and you have safe words and you can stop at any time.
• 1:28:19
  Otherwise you might end up traumatising people like this.
• 1:28:22
  I know I say again because in a way I do know.
• 1:28:25
  I did ask for something. I just didn't know it would
• 1:28:27
  unfold like this. Uh yeah.
• 1:28:29
  Let's not with the victim blaming please.
• 1:28:31
  She did not ask for this. He lifts his hands to my face
• 1:28:34
  and gently brushes his thumb under my eye, wiping away the
• 1:28:36
  smudges of mascara that have streaked down my cheeks from all
• 1:28:39
  the crying. His touch is so soft, so
• 1:28:41
  careful, and it's in this moment that I realised he wasn't trying
• 1:28:43
  to hurt me. He never wanted to scare me.
• 1:28:45
  He just misunderstood like I did.
• 1:28:48
  He was just trying to help me, to push me into a feeling I've
• 1:28:50
  never experienced before. Oh, no, shut up.
• 1:28:54
  Don't you dare try and excuse this.
• 1:28:55
  Just call the police on him. Yeah.
• 1:28:58
  So like I say, this did shock me because I'm shocked that it
• 1:29:01
  happened now and not at the end of the book.
• 1:29:03
  I was like, where the hell is this going from here?
• 1:29:04
  It's only going to get crazier, and it kind of doesn't actually.
• 1:29:08
  This is like the peak of the action in the book.
• 1:29:11
  But anyway, so I said there are like two options of what I think
• 1:29:15
  could be happening here. One, St is an insane, dangerous
• 1:29:18
  criminal stalker. Or two St is being paid by Nora
• 1:29:22
  or maybe even Petra herself if you want to go down that twist
• 1:29:25
  to do all this role play because he's an actor.
• 1:29:27
  But the fact he's agreed to all this without her knowledge means
• 1:29:30
  he's probably an insane, dangerous stalker.
• 1:29:34
  He searches my eyes, and then he asks.
• 1:29:36
  Do you want me to leave? The question hangs in the air,
• 1:29:38
  and for a split second I consider it.
• 1:29:40
  Part of me thinks I should tell him to go, that I need space to
• 1:29:42
  process what just happened, to get a handle on my emotions, but
• 1:29:46
  I can't bring myself to say the words.
• 1:29:47
  As much as I was terrified of him a few minutes ago, it wasn't
• 1:29:50
  him I was scared of. It was the character he was
• 1:29:53
  playing, the situation we both created.
• 1:29:55
  However, and intentionally. I can't fault him for that.
• 1:29:58
  Not entirely, no. It was him and you can fault
• 1:30:01
  him. It wasn't a character he was
• 1:30:03
  playing because this wasn't a role play you agreed to with
• 1:30:06
  proper terms beforehand. You did not consent to this.
• 1:30:09
  Like what the hell is wrong with Colleen Hoover?
• 1:30:11
  She says she's like heard all his criticism and she's gone
• 1:30:13
  away and done all the stuff and then come back to writing.
• 1:30:15
  It's like you've learnt nothing. If anything you're just doubling
• 1:30:18
  down on what was harmful and glamorising abuse and dubious
• 1:30:21
  consent and full on rape. Petra then obviously starts to
• 1:30:24
  feel super vulnerable of being in front of him naked without
• 1:30:28
  her consent, because you know, she is vulnerable.
• 1:30:31
  But now his clothes are wet from jumping into the shower with
• 1:30:33
  her, so she's like, I'll dry them for you.
• 1:30:36
  But she says there's something oddly satisfying about knowing
• 1:30:39
  he's reliant on me right now and that he can't leave before his
• 1:30:41
  clothes are dry. In a strange way, it gives me a
• 1:30:43
  sense of power. This is not you having power.
• 1:30:47
  Running around the house looking after a man who attacked you and
• 1:30:50
  now has to stay in your house is not having power.
• 1:30:55
  Now it feels different. The power dynamic has shifted
• 1:30:57
  somehow. No, it's not.
• 1:30:59
  No it's not. And now that he's the one
• 1:31:00
  standing there half naked with nothing but a towel wrapped
• 1:31:03
  around him, I feel more comfortable.
• 1:31:05
  Even despite the awful misunderstanding between us.
• 1:31:07
  I feel more in control now. His position of vulnerability
• 1:31:10
  helps me shed that fear that consumed me earlier.
• 1:31:13
  I'm sorry, but no. He's still a violent criminal
• 1:31:14
  and in danger to you. I don't care if he's just
• 1:31:16
  wearing a towel or not, he can still attack you again if he
• 1:31:18
  wants to. You're in danger, call the
• 1:31:20
  police. Petra realises, shock horror,
• 1:31:24
  she doesn't actually know this man, but she decides she doesn't
• 1:31:28
  want to ask him any questions about himself because the
• 1:31:30
  answers might contradict all the ways I built up his character in
• 1:31:34
  my mind. So just like earlier, he'd been
• 1:31:37
  going on about how he felt like he knew her from watching a
• 1:31:38
  bunch of her TikTok videos. But that's not the real her,
• 1:31:42
  just the public facing version of her.
• 1:31:44
  Like at best these two are infatuated with the idea of each
• 1:31:48
  other and that's just so damn unhealthy.
• 1:31:49
  This is not a love story like Colleen wants to pretend it is.
• 1:31:53
  He lifts my other hand, repeating the same motion, his
• 1:31:55
  thumbs running back and forth over the sensitive areas where
• 1:31:58
  the rope dug into my skin. There's a softness in his eyes
• 1:32:00
  as he studies my wrists, a rare moment of vulnerability from
• 1:32:03
  him, and I can feel his concern. Did I hurt you?
• 1:32:06
  He asked. Quite.
• 1:32:06
  Of course you hurt her. You.
• 1:32:08
  Attacked her and tied her up. Did I hurt you?
• 1:32:10
  He asked quietly, his voice low, almost cautious, as if he's
• 1:32:13
  afraid of my answer. I shake my head, my voice
• 1:32:15
  steady. I'm fine.
• 1:32:17
  He doesn't look convinced. His head tilts slightly, his
• 1:32:19
  brow furrowing as his eyes narrow with scepticism.
• 1:32:22
  Be honest. He urges, his gaze penetrating,
• 1:32:25
  searching for the truth. I'm fine.
• 1:32:27
  I repeat, firmer this time. I can see he still isn't
• 1:32:30
  entirely convinced, so I soften my tone, offering reassurance.
• 1:32:33
  I'll be fine. Ioffer a reassuring smile.
• 1:32:36
  But I'm still somewhat coming to grips with the night with how
• 1:32:39
  easily I forgive, forgiven him. And at this point in my notes I
• 1:32:43
  wrote, she's writing another domestic violence romance, isn't
• 1:32:45
  she? And yeah, she pretty much is.
• 1:32:48
  Hurts her, she forgives him. Hurts her, she forgives him.
• 1:32:50
  Ridiculous. Like, Can you believe she's
• 1:32:53
  reassuring him after he violently assaulted her?
• 1:32:56
  Stop it. Colleen has learnt nothing, has
• 1:32:59
  she? Absolutely nothing, and at this
• 1:33:01
  point I made the mistake of looking up some spoiler free
• 1:33:03
  reviews and they all left me feeling quite disgusted,
• 1:33:07
  especially with how people responded to this character of
• 1:33:09
  Saint. Five stars.
• 1:33:10
  Yeah, I love a crazy hot man. Who doesn't love a little bit of
• 1:33:13
  Psycho and Spice? 5 stars.
• 1:33:16
  Exciting. Twisty.
• 1:33:17
  I wasn't sure exactly what was going to happen, but I think I
• 1:33:20
  need a St in my life Fan self. Yeah, let's not do that.
• 1:33:24
  Yeah, let's not romanticise violent, abusive men.
• 1:33:28
  And Petra then goes on to have a truly dangerous discussion,
• 1:33:31
  trying to defend dark romance in this dark romance book.
• 1:33:35
  She says. I think it's because I'm just
• 1:33:36
  now realising what he's given me.
• 1:33:38
  Even the darkest of books have an audience that enjoys them,
• 1:33:41
  and even those readers, we wouldn't want to live out some
• 1:33:43
  of the fantasies we read about. It doesn't mean we don't enjoy
• 1:33:46
  reading those things. I did not enjoy what St did
• 1:33:48
  tonight, but I do appreciate that he was trying to give me
• 1:33:50
  the experience he thought I was asking for in a Safeway.
• 1:33:53
  Aside from being tied up, I was never in any actual danger.
• 1:33:57
  He just thought I wanted to feel like I was.
• 1:33:59
  What's strange is that it feels as if he did those things in a
• 1:34:01
  book and not in real life. We forgive our characters for
• 1:34:04
  much worse than we forgive our friends and love us for and we
• 1:34:07
  feel. And I feel like I'm lending him
• 1:34:09
  the forgiveness I'd lend a character rather than actual
• 1:34:11
  person in my life. I'm sorry but no no no no no.
• 1:34:16
  This is so unhealthy. No, I hate everything about
• 1:34:19
  this. She's like trying to defend dark
• 1:34:20
  romance by being like, oh, it's just fiction.
• 1:34:22
  You know, we wouldn't, we wouldn't condone it in real
• 1:34:24
  life. But then within this book she's
• 1:34:27
  like, oh, well, it happened in real life.
• 1:34:29
  I can just pretend it's fiction and condone it.
• 1:34:31
  And then they have sex and we get another generic Colleen who
• 1:34:34
  have a sex scene, except this one is different because we get
• 1:34:36
  some kind of pick me lines like are my breasts prettier than his
• 1:34:40
  wife's? Am I prettier than his wife?
• 1:34:43
  Yeah, let's not. Also, you're pretty sure he's
• 1:34:46
  married. You're thinking about his wife.
• 1:34:48
  Like, let's not do the whole cheating thing, please.
• 1:34:51
  Like, I'm just. No, we do get another condom
• 1:34:54
  discussion. No, this happens quite a bit in
• 1:34:55
  Colleen Hoover books, which, you know, I have to applaud her for
• 1:34:57
  because a lot of smoke authors forget about contraceptives.
• 1:35:03
  But it feels it's bad. He drops me on the sofa, pulls
• 1:35:07
  his towel away, then lowers himself on top of me.
• 1:35:09
  Do I need a condom? He asks.
• 1:35:10
  Yes, you do. Neither of you have been tested.
• 1:35:13
  You need a condom. I'm on the pill and I know I'm
• 1:35:16
  good not to use one. But how do I reassure myself
• 1:35:18
  that he is? I barely know him and my
• 1:35:20
  decision making skills have not been great.
• 1:35:22
  Tonight I'm Naked beneath the man who made me cry from fear
• 1:35:24
  earlier. My hesitation in answering him
• 1:35:27
  gives me what he's looking for, my wallet.
• 1:35:28
  I'll be right back. He crosses the dark room and I
• 1:35:31
  hear him rifling through the wallet.
• 1:35:32
  I even hear him tear the rapper as he's making his way back to
• 1:35:35
  me. So one, never trust a condom
• 1:35:37
  that's been in a wallet. Like men put it in their pockets
• 1:35:41
  and stuff, and then it gets warm and then that reduces the
• 1:35:43
  integrity of it and it's more likely to break.
• 1:35:45
  Never trust a condom. No, never trust a wallet condom.
• 1:35:49
  And two, I don't care if you're on the pill or not.
• 1:35:52
  Use a condom anyway since you don't know what diseases he's
• 1:35:54
  carrying and especially because he has a wife and he's
• 1:35:57
  presumably sleeping with her as well.
• 1:35:59
  You don't not use condoms if you're sleeping with multiple
• 1:36:02
  people. It just have some common sense.
• 1:36:05
  Thankfully they do use it, but still.
• 1:36:07
  And they Oh God, I hate this but I hate this.
• 1:36:09
  But right. He returned so fast I didn't
• 1:36:11
  even get a good enough look to determine whether this is going
• 1:36:14
  to hurt. I've never had that before.
• 1:36:16
  I've never had that before, the kind of sex women have in the
• 1:36:19
  books I write. Every man I've ever been with
• 1:36:21
  has been of average size, so I've always had to imagine what
• 1:36:24
  it would be like to be effed by a man who is so big it actually
• 1:36:26
  hurts. I'm sick of this nonsense.
• 1:36:29
  Sex shouldn't hurt at all. And if a man is so big that it
• 1:36:32
  has to hurt you, like at least try and use Lube so it doesn't
• 1:36:37
  hurt. But if it does hurt, like that's
• 1:36:39
  not pleasurable, that's just not, that's not aspirational.
• 1:36:43
  Anyway, they have sex. And the next morning he sneaks
• 1:36:46
  out before she's awake. And I was like, where the hell
• 1:36:49
  did his wife think he was all this time leaning towards him
• 1:36:52
  not actually being married and him being a paid actor?
• 1:36:54
  That's what I was thinking at this point.
• 1:36:56
  Anyway. Petra decides that the sensible
• 1:36:57
  thing to do here is to follow him in her car.
• 1:37:00
  Because all love stories need a little bit of stalking, right?
• 1:37:03
  And she's like, I need to find out about him.
• 1:37:05
  I need to see his wife. So she's kind of crazy as well.
• 1:37:09
  And so she follows him in the car, even though what she should
• 1:37:11
  be doing is going to therapy. He notices that she's following,
• 1:37:14
  though, and he pulls over into this creepy old country Rd to
• 1:37:16
  confront. To confront her.
• 1:37:18
  Get out, Petra. His voice is low, commanding,
• 1:37:21
  not angry, not yet, but with an undeniable sternness.
• 1:37:25
  I hesitate, frozen by a potent cocktail of shame and fear.
• 1:37:28
  My cheeks burn. He senses my reluctance, and
• 1:37:30
  with a sigh, he opens my car door and reaches me.
• 1:37:33
  Before I can protest, he has me. One strong arm loops behind my
• 1:37:36
  back, the other under my knees. He lifts me effortlessly, as if
• 1:37:39
  I weigh nothing. I'm so fed up of men just
• 1:37:43
  manhandling women. Consent matters.
• 1:37:46
  Bodily autonomy matters. His hands brace against the car
• 1:37:49
  on either side of my legs, trapping me between his arms.
• 1:37:52
  He leans in, his face close, his dark eyes with an unreadable
• 1:37:56
  intensity. He is so creepy and dangerous.
• 1:37:59
  Please run away from him as fast as you can.
• 1:38:02
  He tells her to stop digging, but she's like, bit I'm curious.
• 1:38:05
  And then she asks him. Are you happy?
• 1:38:08
  The question slips out before I can stop it.
• 1:38:09
  A desperate plea for some cracking is carefully
• 1:38:11
  constricted for say it. His jaw Titans, almost
• 1:38:13
  imperceptible. Yes.
• 1:38:16
  The word is clipped, definitive. A bitter taste floods my mouth.
• 1:38:20
  Then why are you cheating on your wife with me?
• 1:38:22
  The accusation hangs in the air. His eyes narrow.
• 1:38:24
  You asked me to. Such a stupid response.
• 1:38:29
  Take some accountability, mate. The bluntness of his reply
• 1:38:32
  stings. It's a cold dose of reality.
• 1:38:34
  And it's true, I did. Maybe not outright, but I
• 1:38:37
  definitely initiated it, fuelled by a reckless desire for
• 1:38:40
  something I knew I shouldn't want.
• 1:38:42
  Would you feel guilty? I press, my voice rising
• 1:38:44
  slightly, desperate to find a chink in his armour, a flicker
• 1:38:47
  of guilt, anything. Are you really asking these
• 1:38:50
  things because of your book, or should I be worried about?
• 1:38:53
  Or should I be worried you're about to cross a line?
• 1:38:55
  His tone is bordering on condescending.
• 1:38:57
  It makes me feel small, insignificant, just to know the
• 1:39:00
  secret to be kept among so many other secrets that he took away.
• 1:39:04
  He is just a piece of crap, isn't he?
• 1:39:05
  Like don't blame her for your choices and actions mate.
• 1:39:09
  And again, he's scary right? Like I genuinely think this man
• 1:39:11
  could kill her. That's not sexy.
• 1:39:13
  He says I'm a good husband. Outside of what she doesn't
• 1:39:16
  know. Nonsense.
• 1:39:18
  But if you're starting to question doing the things she
• 1:39:20
  doesn't know we're doing, then maybe we should stop doing those
• 1:39:23
  things. You're not a good husband, of
• 1:39:26
  course you should stop, idiot. He has a slight moment of guilt,
• 1:39:31
  which he then completely ignores by being awful again, and I form
• 1:39:35
  a new theory. Right.
• 1:39:36
  My wife deserves better. He says, his voice a low thrum
• 1:39:39
  against my skin. Has his hands continued their
• 1:39:41
  slow, intoxicating dance on my thighs, moving higher.
• 1:39:44
  Petra deserves better. I counter, the words surprising
• 1:39:47
  even me. A flicker of defiance, a quiet
• 1:39:50
  reclaiming of my own words, even in this messy, complicated
• 1:39:53
  situation. A faint, almost imperceptible
• 1:39:55
  smile touches the corner of his lips.
• 1:39:57
  It's not a happy smile, more of a weary acknowledgement.
• 1:40:00
  Petra, you deserve so much better.
• 1:40:03
  His fingers slip inside my underwear and then into me.
• 1:40:06
  OK, new theory. This is what I came up with,
• 1:40:08
  right? His wife is actually Petra.
• 1:40:11
  They're actually married and this whole policeman thing is
• 1:40:13
  some elaborate role play that they've cooked up between them
• 1:40:15
  to help her with a book. Except she's insane and she
• 1:40:18
  seems to be forgetting who she is and who he is and what's real
• 1:40:21
  and what isn't that would be better than what the actual
• 1:40:23
  story of this book is. OK, sorry if it seems like I'm
• 1:40:26
  stopping and starting filming a lot today, but I am.
• 1:40:29
  Kara keeps needing me so I've got to be with her and I've just
• 1:40:31
  got her settled now. She's gone to bed, she's asleep,
• 1:40:34
  she's taking up all the bed as she always does, bless her.
• 1:40:37
  But it's nearly midnight here, so I'm a little bit exhausted
• 1:40:40
  and please forgive me if I'm sleepy and a bit out of it.
• 1:40:44
  Where were we? So this whole scene ends with St
• 1:40:50
  warning. Petra, go back to the cabin.
• 1:40:52
  Petra, don't follow me. You won't like what you find.
• 1:40:56
  Petra does go back to the cabin and she manages to get back to
• 1:40:58
  writing and we get an extract from her novel and it adds
• 1:41:01
  absolutely nothing to the story that we're reading.
• 1:41:03
  And it's just poor writing. And I think it would be really
• 1:41:06
  good if like Colleen had done something kind of creative with
• 1:41:09
  this and like shown that Petra has a very different writers
• 1:41:11
  voice to Colleen, but Colleen's not that talented, so she didn't
• 1:41:15
  do that. And so it's just kind of
• 1:41:18
  pointless and it's the only one we get in the book.
• 1:41:20
  So like, it doesn't really add anything.
• 1:41:23
  If she'd like maybe leaned into this meta thing a bit more and
• 1:41:25
  like shown us more scenes from the book and then like scenes of
• 1:41:29
  her insane, like playing them out and how it goes differently
• 1:41:31
  when she's not in control. I don't know, something like
• 1:41:33
  that could have been cool. But none of that happens.
• 1:41:36
  Then in another massive plot twist, which actually is a plot
• 1:41:39
  twist, guess who shows up at her door?
• 1:41:42
  Who? Petra's husband and children.
• 1:41:47
  So this is even more of a self insert for Colleen Hoover
• 1:41:50
  because I was like, Oh well, the differences between Petra and
• 1:41:52
  Colleen are that Petra's 12 years younger and she's single,
• 1:41:56
  unlike Colleen who's 46 and married.
• 1:42:01
  No, Petra is also married. So the cheating thing is not
• 1:42:05
  just with Saints because we think he's married and they're
• 1:42:09
  cheating. It's she is literally married
• 1:42:11
  and she's cheating and Colleen just loves a good cheating
• 1:42:15
  story. She loves making her character
• 1:42:17
  characters cheat and trying to condone it.
• 1:42:20
  And I'll say again, Colleen doesn't want us to think this is
• 1:42:22
  like a full self insert. But if I was her husband I'd be
• 1:42:25
  pretty worried. Petra's husband has an equally
• 1:42:28
  stupid name to a lot of Colleen's characters.
• 1:42:31
  He is called Shepherd. Yep, and it was at this point I
• 1:42:36
  realised that that risking it all comment from earlier
• 1:42:39
  actually makes sense. So yeah, OK, I get that.
• 1:42:42
  I get she is actually risking a lot, but also I have no
• 1:42:45
  sympathy. Petra's mean again, but this
• 1:42:47
  time it's directed towards her husband.
• 1:42:49
  What is he doing here? This was supposed to be my time,
• 1:42:52
  my space to write, to disconnect from everything else, including
• 1:42:56
  my family. Especially my family.
• 1:42:59
  Oh, God, did he bring the girls with him?
• 1:43:02
  The panic sets in, rising up through my chest like a wave,
• 1:43:04
  threatening to swallow me whole. I can't even believe this
• 1:43:07
  shepherd never shows up to my writing weeks unannounced.
• 1:43:09
  We have an understanding. All right, calm down.
• 1:43:13
  David Harper. Sorry.
• 1:43:14
  No, that was a Ranger, wasn't it?
• 1:43:16
  We have an arrangement. This is my retreat, my
• 1:43:19
  sanctuary, the one place where I'm supposed to be able to
• 1:43:21
  escape the world. Or I can focus on my work and
• 1:43:23
  nothing else. But now my carefully constructed
• 1:43:25
  bubble has been burst and I have no idea how to piece it back
• 1:43:28
  together. And just when I think I couldn't
• 1:43:30
  hate a character anymore, here we go.
• 1:43:32
  I really, really dislike Petra. I think she is one of my least
• 1:43:35
  favourite Colleen Hoover characters ever.
• 1:43:38
  Shepherd is looking through the window now too.
• 1:43:40
  His expression is one of complete happiness, like he's
• 1:43:42
  given me the best surprise in the world.
• 1:43:44
  He waves at me, his smile a thing I'd like to wipe off his
• 1:43:46
  face right now. What a vile person.
• 1:43:50
  I feel a pang of guilt so sharp it's almost physical.
• 1:43:52
  I should be better than this. I should be a better mother, a
• 1:43:55
  better wife. I shouldn't be living this
• 1:43:56
  double life, sneaking moments with a man who isn't my husband.
• 1:44:00
  No, you shouldn't. And yes, you should be better.
• 1:44:03
  In another dramatic turn of events, Shepherd is busy cooking
• 1:44:06
  dinner when St turns up at the house.
• 1:44:09
  Petra had warned him. Hey, don't come over.
• 1:44:10
  My husband and kids are here and he's like, what the hell?
• 1:44:13
  And then shows up anyway. It means to be expected.
• 1:44:16
  We know he's completely unhinged.
• 1:44:18
  He's in full uniform. Yeah, he's dressed as a police
• 1:44:20
  officer again. He's in full uniform, crisp and
• 1:44:22
  impeccable. A mask.
• 1:44:23
  No, a perfect mask of professionalism.
• 1:44:26
  The badge gleams, the dark fabric of his shirt accentuating
• 1:44:28
  the breadth of his shoulders, the holster gun a stark,
• 1:44:31
  chilling presence. But his eyes, they're locked on
• 1:44:33
  me, zeroed in with an intensity like laser beams, piercing my
• 1:44:37
  very soul. He knows exactly what he's
• 1:44:39
  doing, like he's fully aware of the precise chaos he's about to
• 1:44:41
  unleash, the emotional fallout he's meticulously planned.
• 1:44:45
  His jaw is hard, a rigid line, his expression severe, almost
• 1:44:49
  and almost menacing. And I can't breathe, I can't
• 1:44:52
  even move. I'm a statue of dread.
• 1:44:55
  Hey, look. A police officer using his
• 1:44:57
  position of power to terrorise people.
• 1:44:59
  This might be the most realistic thing about the book.
• 1:45:02
  He makes up some story about a vehicle needing a visitor tag or
• 1:45:05
  something, something, whatever. Petra knows he's lying, but goes
• 1:45:08
  along with it. It's of absolutely no
• 1:45:11
  consequence at all. Petra feels a bit uncomfortable.
• 1:45:14
  He enjoys making her feel uncomfortable.
• 1:45:16
  He leaves, end of. He gives Shepherd a tight nod, a
• 1:45:20
  curt, professional acknowledgement, his jaw
• 1:45:22
  clenched, a muscle jumping under his skin.
• 1:45:24
  I'll be back in the morning to make sure the car's gone, Sent
• 1:45:27
  says his St says, his voice flat.
• 1:45:30
  But his words are laced with something that feels like far
• 1:45:32
  more than just a promise. It's almost as if it's a
• 1:45:35
  warning, a subtle threat wrapped in the chilling formality of his
• 1:45:38
  professional tone. The way he says it sends an icy
• 1:45:41
  chill slithering down my spine, burrowing into my bones, and I
• 1:45:44
  know with absolute, terrifying certainty that he means every
• 1:45:48
  single word. This isn't just about Shepherd's
• 1:45:50
  car. It's about control.
• 1:45:51
  It's about letting me know that he's not done, that this isn't
• 1:45:54
  over, that I'm still firmly within his grasp.
• 1:45:58
  Yeah, if I was. Her.
• 1:45:59
  I'd just leave immediately with your husband and kids.
• 1:46:01
  This man is dangerous. He's controlling his abusive
• 1:46:04
  light. This man is going to kill you.
• 1:46:06
  And then, like I say, he leaves and like nothing happens for a
• 1:46:09
  few pages. And then Petra complaints about
• 1:46:11
  how her marriage is difficult because money problems and he's
• 1:46:15
  working and he's like doing all their finances.
• 1:46:18
  And she's like, oh, don't bother me with that.
• 1:46:20
  And maybe. And she's like, she's just being
• 1:46:21
  entitled. Whatever.
• 1:46:23
  I mean, it's normal for money troubles to put a stress on a
• 1:46:26
  relationship. I get that.
• 1:46:27
  But it still doesn't condone cheating, doesn't excuse it.
• 1:46:30
  Then there's just pages and pages of Petra and her husband
• 1:46:32
  slapping at each other. And Petra's like, you just don't
• 1:46:34
  understand what it's like to be a writer, an artist.
• 1:46:37
  And then he's like, well, you just don't understand that we
• 1:46:40
  need to pay the bills. And you have a family you've
• 1:46:42
  been ignoring. And she's like, yeah, well, stop
• 1:46:44
  bothering me. You're stopping me from writing.
• 1:46:45
  So you're why we don't have money.
• 1:46:47
  And they just, they're both unbearable, especially Petra.
• 1:46:52
  But both of them, that's not. I dropped my hands to the couch
• 1:46:57
  on either side of me and groan. That's not fair.
• 1:46:59
  Writing is a weird beast and you know I work best when I have
• 1:47:03
  stretches of solitude. I love you and I love my girls.
• 1:47:06
  Doubt, but it's like you can't even get through a week without
• 1:47:08
  needing me to give you a reprieve.
• 1:47:10
  When do I, when do I get my reprieve?
• 1:47:13
  How about the last several weeks?
• 1:47:15
  You've already been here by yourself, sleeping with a random
• 1:47:17
  man? Just a thought.
• 1:47:21
  Then he calls her a bitch and apologises again.
• 1:47:24
  Awful then, because if apparently made-up at this
• 1:47:27
  point, Shepherd initiates sex and Petra can't help but compare
• 1:47:31
  her boring, predictable husband with her thrilling, spontaneous
• 1:47:34
  affair partner slash abusive torturer.
• 1:47:37
  And apparently it's boring when you're with a man who is stable
• 1:47:41
  and reliable and cares about you, but it's fun when it's with
• 1:47:45
  a stranger you don't even know who's tried to kidnap you.
• 1:47:48
  In the night, Petra makes an excuse to go outside and call St
• 1:47:51
  and they have a phone call. And I, at this point I was
• 1:47:54
  confused and I wrote in my original script I thought this
• 1:47:56
  was going to be a thriller, but instead it's just a boring
• 1:47:58
  affair novel with absolutely unlikable characters.
• 1:48:01
  But we're only 64% of the way through.
• 1:48:03
  There's still time for Colleen to pull it together.
• 1:48:05
  Maybe she does not on the phone. Saint's really cold with her and
• 1:48:09
  he's like, you're married. He snaps back, his voice losing
• 1:48:13
  its playfulness instantly, turning cold and hard like
• 1:48:15
  tempered steel. There's no warmth left in his
• 1:48:17
  tone now, just an edginess that slices through me and immediate
• 1:48:21
  counter attack. His words are heavy with
• 1:48:23
  accusation, laced with judgement, as if he has any
• 1:48:25
  right to condemn me. As if he's not the primary
• 1:48:28
  instigator in this entire devastating mess, the architect
• 1:48:31
  of my current torment. Again, to take some
• 1:48:34
  responsibility. It was him before not taking
• 1:48:36
  responsibility and blaming her. Now she should take some
• 1:48:38
  responsibility because, you know, she's married too.
• 1:48:41
  And you played a part in this. Ridiculous.
• 1:48:44
  Like, St is a scary character. I felt scared of him.
• 1:48:47
  But like, scared in the way that abusive men are scary, not
• 1:48:50
  scared in the way you should feel by a thriller.
• 1:48:52
  You know, thrillers usually have like, at least something going
• 1:48:56
  on, you know, a crime, a mystery, a plot, a secret, a
• 1:49:01
  threat. This is just a poorly written
• 1:49:03
  affair romance with an abusive man so far.
• 1:49:06
  And the whole like, oh, I'm a counselled author thing hasn't
• 1:49:09
  even played a part in this particular plot so far.
• 1:49:13
  It's just there as background and for Colleen Hoover to rant.
• 1:49:16
  And I guess by the end of the book, it kind of plays in a
• 1:49:19
  small amount, as in it was kind of the inciting incident for the
• 1:49:22
  whole thing. But honestly, you could have
• 1:49:24
  scrapped it all and it would be the same book.
• 1:49:26
  And OK, here's another thing I wrote in my original script.
• 1:49:29
  I was going to argue all that at least it was the inciting
• 1:49:31
  incident that she got cancelled. So she goes away to write and
• 1:49:34
  try something new in a cabin. But then she.
• 1:49:36
  Gives this big. Speech about how she always goes
• 1:49:39
  away to the cabins in the woods for her writing and how she
• 1:49:42
  always becomes her characters and how she's a method writer
• 1:49:45
  and she always gets engrossed in it and blah blah blah.
• 1:49:47
  And she's done these kinds of role plays before.
• 1:49:49
  So I'm like, well then the whole cancellation wasn't really the
• 1:49:53
  inciting incident, was it? It just happened and now you're
• 1:49:56
  here. And it in regards to saying she
• 1:49:58
  says he isn't that at all, not really.
• 1:50:00
  This is part of the game to him, a meticulously crafted
• 1:50:02
  performance. He's enjoying this, enjoying my
• 1:50:04
  torment, my confusion. He sounds like a psychopath.
• 1:50:08
  Like just get as far away from him as you can.
• 1:50:11
  And then, with a jolt of ice cold clarity, a chilling
• 1:50:14
  realisation that pierces through the fog of my anger, I realise
• 1:50:16
  what he's doing. When he showed up here earlier
• 1:50:18
  today to meet Shepherd, why he played up the stern, unyielding
• 1:50:22
  officer. He's embodying the very things I
• 1:50:24
  wanted Cam to be. Controlling, possessive,
• 1:50:26
  jealous. He's playing the role that I
• 1:50:28
  created for him in Reyes story, The role of Cam, the obsessive,
• 1:50:31
  dangerous lover. And in this moment, consumed by
• 1:50:34
  confusing, terrifying mix of pure terror and perverse
• 1:50:36
  fascination, I hate him for it and I love him for it.
• 1:50:40
  I'll say it again, get therapy. This this book.
• 1:50:44
  Even though Colleen has, I'm going off script here, sorry.
• 1:50:47
  Even though Colleen Hoover has tried to do this whole like, oh,
• 1:50:50
  like as Petra saying, I write dark romance and that's OK
• 1:50:54
  because the things that we want to read in fiction aren't what
• 1:50:58
  we'd want in real life. But then Colleen is here trying
• 1:51:00
  to also make the argument. But then she's so showing a
• 1:51:03
  character who like has been writing this dark romance and
• 1:51:06
  now she's experiencing it. And then she's like, oh, well,
• 1:51:08
  actually maybe I do like it. Maybe this is OK.
• 1:51:11
  And it's like saying if you enjoy dark romance and you enjoy
• 1:51:14
  like, rape and coercion and sexual assault and manipulation
• 1:51:17
  stuff in books, then like, you get used to that and you're more
• 1:51:21
  likely to like, excuse it in real life.
• 1:51:26
  And that's, that's what Petra's doing.
• 1:51:28
  And so that's kind of what Colleen's doing.
• 1:51:30
  And that's what I've always been saying.
• 1:51:31
  And that's what my problem is with dark romance.
• 1:51:32
  And I feel like Colleen Hoover is actually showing that.
• 1:51:36
  And she's showing why this kind of fiction and fictional
• 1:51:40
  portrayal and this kind of romanticization of dangerous
• 1:51:42
  behaviour is dangerous. She's showing why it's dangerous
• 1:51:46
  and yet still trying to make a case for it and claiming that,
• 1:51:49
  like, her books aren't dangerous.
• 1:51:50
  And here's the exception. It's OK.
• 1:51:51
  And you, because, you know, even if it does happen, then like,
• 1:51:54
  it's a good thing and you'll actually enjoy.
• 1:51:55
  It's like, I hate it. I hate it.
• 1:51:58
  I could have probably said that more coherently, but it's the
• 1:52:01
  middle of the night. I'm sorry.
• 1:52:03
  God, I'm so tired she after 15. It starts with Petra complaining
• 1:52:06
  about how boring her husband is again, but she has sex with him
• 1:52:10
  anyway. And in the creepiest event yet,
• 1:52:12
  she has sex with her husband while St is outside watching
• 1:52:17
  them from the shadows. And Petra sees him out there and
• 1:52:19
  it's like Oh yeah I'm going to perform for him and it's creepy
• 1:52:22
  as hell. I hate it.
• 1:52:23
  Stop it. What is wrong with you Colleen
• 1:52:25
  Hoover? Why would you write this?
• 1:52:27
  Finally, the husband and kids leave, and Petra immediately
• 1:52:30
  goes to call. Creepy policeman, She says.
• 1:52:32
  When I'm certain they're gone and can no longer hear the
• 1:52:35
  rumble of the engine, I turn and head back into the house, moving
• 1:52:37
  on autopilot, my steps quick and purposeful, almost frantic, my
• 1:52:41
  mind racing with one singular, overwhelming thought.
• 1:52:44
  I need to call Saint. It's not a question.
• 1:52:46
  It's a primal, desperate need, just like your need for therapy.
• 1:52:50
  I don't get far. The moment I opened the door and
• 1:52:52
  left, frozen in place, St is somehow standing right in front
• 1:52:55
  of me, having materialised as if from thin air, his tall,
• 1:52:58
  imposing frame blocking my path, completely filling the doorway.
• 1:53:01
  His eyes, dark and piercing, are locked on mine with an intensity
• 1:53:04
  that makes my skin prickle. 1,000,000 Questions flood my
• 1:53:06
  mind all at once, a chaotic and bid and torrent.
• 1:53:09
  How did he get inside? I locked the doors last night, I
• 1:53:12
  was so careful. How long has he been here?
• 1:53:14
  Has he been watching me? Watching Shepherd?
• 1:53:16
  He's a creepy stalk of dump him. This is not normal behaviour.
• 1:53:19
  And also, does this man not have a job?
• 1:53:22
  Surely him turning up at all hours of the day and night tells
• 1:53:26
  you he's not a police officer because if he was he'd actually
• 1:53:29
  be at work. At some point he starts to lock
• 1:53:32
  her inside the cabin. His hands move quickly with a
• 1:53:34
  chilling efficiency as he continues to the next lock.
• 1:53:37
  A sharp twist of the deadbolt and the third reverberating
• 1:53:39
  through me. Before I can even process what's
• 1:53:41
  happening, he grabs me and pushes me against the door.
• 1:53:44
  The sudden force of his. Body presses against mine,
• 1:53:46
  pinning me to the solid wood trapping me and I can feel the
• 1:53:49
  radiating heat from his skin. The raw barely.
• 1:53:52
  Leashed power in his touch, in the taut muscles of his chest
• 1:53:55
  against my own. He grips my jaw with one firm
• 1:53:58
  hand, his fingers digging into my skin just enough to make my
• 1:54:00
  breath hitch. And then his mouth crashes
• 1:54:02
  against mine in a hard, possessive kiss.
• 1:54:05
  This is assault. This is not sexy or fun to read.
• 1:54:08
  It's rapey and it's scary. There's another creepy
• 1:54:12
  possessive sex scene, although I'll say this, St has been lying
• 1:54:17
  to this her this whole time. He's not who he says he is.
• 1:54:20
  I think you've already guessed that.
• 1:54:22
  Therefore, every time he has sex with her, it's by deception and
• 1:54:26
  therefore it's rape. These are all just very graphic
• 1:54:29
  rape scenes. In the next chapter there on a
• 1:54:31
  boat, again I've wrote in my notes.
• 1:54:34
  Does this man never work? Why isn't he doing his job?
• 1:54:37
  How does how does he have time to run around stalking a random
• 1:54:40
  woman? All very good questions that I
• 1:54:42
  still want answering even though I know the ending to the book.
• 1:54:47
  Why? Is he not working?
• 1:54:49
  Get a job? Stay away from her is who we get
• 1:54:53
  the revelation that St and his wife, well, he tells her they
• 1:54:57
  tried to have kids for years but they couldn't, so they split up
• 1:54:59
  six months ago. And so he's actually separated
• 1:55:03
  from his wife, but he's technically still.
• 1:55:04
  Married and me, me, me, me, me. So one of my theories there was
• 1:55:07
  kind of true, but well. He says they don't live
• 1:55:11
  together, but they still talk every day, and they're both
• 1:55:13
  having trouble moving on, which seems like a terrible time to
• 1:55:16
  start an affair, right, with a married woman, but what do I
• 1:55:19
  know? Anyway, he says he's jealous of
• 1:55:21
  her husband. St looks out with the water
• 1:55:24
  again, his jaw working. What does that even mean?
• 1:55:27
  Then his voice lowers almost to a confession, chilling me to the
• 1:55:30
  bone. Even in the warm sun.
• 1:55:32
  When I was watching you say goodbye to your girls when
• 1:55:35
  Shepherd was there. He pauses, and I hold my breath.
• 1:55:38
  I was angry. Petra so angry.
• 1:55:41
  He turns his eyes to me, and they burned with an unsettling
• 1:55:43
  intensity. I wanted you to get caught so
• 1:55:45
  you'd leave him, so I could have what he takes for granted, what
• 1:55:48
  he barely sees any more. Now.
• 1:55:51
  This confused me because I I didn't like the way that
• 1:55:53
  Shepherd called his wife a bitch.
• 1:55:55
  I'm never going to be in support of that.
• 1:55:57
  However, everything else he did for her, like everything else
• 1:56:01
  we've seen me on, seen everything else we've seen of
• 1:56:04
  him on the page, I don't understand how you can accuse
• 1:56:07
  him of taking her for granted. He made an effort to come see
• 1:56:10
  her, to cook for her, to be there for her.
• 1:56:12
  Like he takes care of the kids by himself for weeks and weeks
• 1:56:16
  and weeks at a time so she can be off in a cabin writing a book
• 1:56:19
  and having sex with a random man and pretending it's art.
• 1:56:23
  He does all that without complain, he manages all their
• 1:56:26
  finances, he does all her taxes and accounting and all that sort
• 1:56:29
  of thing. Also, she can have this career.
• 1:56:31
  Give him a bit of credit. Yeah, I never thought I'd be
• 1:56:34
  defending a man in a Colleen Hoover book, but here I am.
• 1:56:37
  In the next chapter, Petra heads home for the weekend for her
• 1:56:39
  kids birthday party and St stalks are here too.
• 1:56:42
  He literally, he's somehow found out where she lives and is sat
• 1:56:45
  in his car watching her. It's creepy as hell.
• 1:56:47
  I hate it. She decides to go and confront
• 1:56:50
  him in the car, and he and, well, his shifts, turning more
• 1:56:54
  fully towards me, his elbow resting on the centre console.
• 1:56:57
  You're in danger. My brow furrows.
• 1:56:59
  Danger. What you talking about?
• 1:57:01
  A cold trickle of unease joins the anger.
• 1:57:03
  Raya, you've received death threats.
• 1:57:05
  I can't let you go and protect it.
• 1:57:07
  Good effing God. I stare at him, a snort of
• 1:57:10
  disbelief escaping me, sharp and involuntary.
• 1:57:13
  I'm at my home. This is my daughter's birthday.
• 1:57:15
  I don't have time for this crap saying Reya, he says stop
• 1:57:19
  calling me that. This is ridiculous.
• 1:57:21
  You found a flimsy reason to intrude on my personal space and
• 1:57:23
  I'm angry. So he's still living in his
• 1:57:26
  fantasy world. I think he's like actually
• 1:57:29
  delusional and he he doesn't even necessarily realise that
• 1:57:32
  he's playing a character anymore.
• 1:57:33
  He's just insane to justify his stalking her.
• 1:57:37
  Whatever, like it. No no, he seems genuinely
• 1:57:40
  surprised by my reaction. He angles towards me a bit more.
• 1:57:43
  Are you worried I'm here to confront your husband?
• 1:57:46
  Well, I mean, you did say you wanted to get caught in the last
• 1:57:48
  conversation you had, so wouldn't surprise me.
• 1:57:52
  I honestly have no idea what you're capable of.
• 1:57:53
  It's effing terrifying. He immediately drops the whole
• 1:57:56
  act. No more drink, no more grin, no
• 1:57:58
  more cockiness. He transforms back into the
• 1:58:00
  Saint I had on the boat, his eyes reassuring, his posture
• 1:58:03
  comforting. Petra.
• 1:58:05
  He repeats. His voice is quiet, almost a
• 1:58:07
  plea, the barest hint of vulnerability in its tone.
• 1:58:10
  I would never do that. I walk straight into the house,
• 1:58:13
  into the bathroom. I lock the door and do
• 1:58:15
  everything I can to not have a complete meltdown.
• 1:58:17
  This is my home. I think he might be crazy.
• 1:58:20
  I think I might be crazy, which is what I've been saying
• 1:58:22
  throughout this whole book. But no one listens to me, do
• 1:58:24
  they? Chapter 19 starts with I am.
• 1:58:26
  I'm crazy because what same person would return to the
• 1:58:29
  location where she's vulnerable to a man who drove 2 hours to
• 1:58:32
  sit outside her house without permission?
• 1:58:34
  Yeah, this is what I've been saying.
• 1:58:36
  Me. That's Sue.
• 1:58:36
  But my God, I've never felt anything like this.
• 1:58:39
  It's a constant tug, like a thick rope loops from my chest
• 1:58:42
  to Saints, and I'm constantly being pulled until I'm too
• 1:58:45
  exhausted to fight that pull. Following attraction and
• 1:58:48
  intrigue of instinct and common sense is a very good description
• 1:58:51
  of crazy. Yeah, it is.
• 1:58:52
  And like, stop thinking with your vagina, OK?
• 1:58:55
  Like, it's just lust. It's just lust, that's all.
• 1:58:58
  He's a dangerous man, and you're married.
• 1:59:01
  Like, you're a grown adult woman with agency.
• 1:59:04
  Use it. Stop doing this.
• 1:59:07
  You don't have to just follow your vagina your whole life.
• 1:59:10
  Of course he's waiting for her when she gets back to the cabin
• 1:59:12
  because this man does not have a job.
• 1:59:14
  I said in my original notes here.
• 1:59:16
  I still don't think he's a police officer.
• 1:59:17
  I'm still going with the actor theory.
• 1:59:19
  Or since they've had actual sex, maybe more like prostitute, she
• 1:59:22
  says. I'm so happy he's here.
• 1:59:23
  I'm so angry he's here. I'm mad at myself for wanting to
• 1:59:26
  run into his arms while simultaneously feeling the need
• 1:59:29
  to blacken his eye once more. Get therapy.
• 1:59:33
  He's standing at the stove, his back to me, the faint scent of
• 1:59:36
  herbs and tomato sauce already wafting through the air.
• 1:59:39
  He's wearing a fade. No, he's wearing faded jeans and
• 1:59:42
  a dark T-shirt, the fabric stretching taut across his
• 1:59:45
  shoulders. One hand is sprinkling something
• 1:59:47
  on top of the dish, the other rest casually on the counter.
• 1:59:49
  The picture of domesticity completely odds with the man who
• 1:59:52
  invaded my life, my home, last night.
• 1:59:54
  And good God, he's wearing socks.
• 1:59:57
  Why am IA sucker for a guy in a clean?
• 1:59:59
  Pair of socks. Clean socks that's what you like
• 2:00:04
  in a man Clean socks. The bar is on the floor.
• 2:00:09
  So of course, because he's wearing clean socks, she decides
• 2:00:12
  to stay and eat dinner with her stalker.
• 2:00:13
  And over dinner they discuss the book she's working on.
• 2:00:17
  And when I read you this next section, Please remember this is
• 2:00:21
  Colleen Hoover writing about the writing of herself.
• 2:00:24
  Insert character. So this, it's Colleen using a
• 2:00:27
  fictional character to comment on the writing of another
• 2:00:30
  fictional character that's a self insert of her.
• 2:00:32
  So she's basically talking about her own writing.
• 2:00:34
  This is what she thinks for her own writing.
• 2:00:36
  Petra. He says, his voice softening a
• 2:00:38
  deep resonance that makes the air thrum.
• 2:00:41
  I don't know why you aren't the cockiest writer in the world.
• 2:00:43
  You're so great. Seriously though, I couldn't put
• 2:00:47
  it down. Just seeing how you interpret
• 2:00:49
  the moments we've had together was the best reading experience
• 2:00:52
  I've ever had. The language you use, the way
• 2:00:55
  you craft a sentence, it's all so powerful.
• 2:00:59
  Somebody stop Colleen Hoover, please.
• 2:01:02
  In the next chapter, St tells Petra, I'm getting all these
• 2:01:06
  nails necks up. Saint tells Petra that he's
• 2:01:09
  coming over again. She doesn't get a choice in the
• 2:01:10
  matter. He's like, I'm coming over, deal
• 2:01:12
  with it, bitch. I mean, doesn't say bitch, but
• 2:01:13
  you know what I mean. And then he tells Reya that he
• 2:01:17
  loves her, and Reya says that she loves Cam.
• 2:01:21
  They're using the fictional names, but EW, stop it.
• 2:01:25
  You married woman. There is thankfully, only 21% of
• 2:01:28
  the book left. We can get through this mess
• 2:01:30
  together, right? We got this.
• 2:01:32
  I've got where are we up to? And I've got 13 pages of script
• 2:01:36
  left. We can do this team.
• 2:01:37
  We've got this. So this is where everything
• 2:01:41
  starts to unravel. This is where the secrets come
• 2:01:43
  out. This is where we get the the
• 2:01:45
  reveal of everything, right? It's just like I've been saying
• 2:01:48
  the whole time. So Petra goes to the shop and
• 2:01:50
  she's trying to find something in newspaper about the night
• 2:01:53
  that her and St met. You know that I suppose the
• 2:01:55
  police chase and person shooting himself.
• 2:01:57
  And that's the other thing, right?
• 2:01:59
  If he'd shot himself in the street like St claimed, surely
• 2:02:03
  she'd have been working by the gun shop.
• 2:02:05
  But she wasn't. She's really dumb.
• 2:02:08
  Oh my God. Anyway, obviously it's not in
• 2:02:10
  the newspaper. And then she asked the people
• 2:02:12
  who work in the shop and he's like, Nah, that never happened.
• 2:02:15
  And then for some reason, the guy that she's renting from,
• 2:02:17
  Louis, he's also there in the shop and he's like, no, it never
• 2:02:20
  happened. What detectives?
• 2:02:21
  We don't have any detectives here.
• 2:02:24
  And she's thinking, what the hell?
• 2:02:25
  So who is Saint if he's not a detective?
• 2:02:28
  I told you it was all dodgy as hell.
• 2:02:29
  So she shows the guys a photo of St and they're like, no, he's
• 2:02:33
  not policed around here. We don't know who he is.
• 2:02:35
  And I'm like, told you so. So Petra decides to run what,
• 2:02:41
  Drive back to the cabins? And then she goes to confront
• 2:02:43
  Marry and she's like, yeah, no, it totally happened.
• 2:02:47
  And then Louis comes home and he's like, what in the hell have
• 2:02:51
  you gotten yourself into this time to marry?
• 2:02:54
  And she's like nothing, every single inch of her is screaming
• 2:02:57
  that she's lying. Louis throws up his hands as if
• 2:02:59
  he knows this too. I don't want to know if there's
• 2:03:02
  a body. I don't want to know there
• 2:03:04
  wasn't a body. Mary says to him defensively.
• 2:03:06
  Not a real 1. So I told you it's all fake,
• 2:03:09
  it's all acting. Called it from the start ish.
• 2:03:12
  But here's the thing, I was still thinking Nora paid him.
• 2:03:16
  No, that's not what we're told here.
• 2:03:18
  Here's what Mary says. I apologise for what I'm about
• 2:03:21
  to tell you, I really do, but you have to understand how bored
• 2:03:24
  I get sometimes. Louis pulled me away from Los
• 2:03:27
  Angeles, out here to the middle of nowhere and nothing fun ever
• 2:03:29
  happens. I could sit in my chair for two
• 2:03:31
  solid weeks without speaking to another.
• 2:03:33
  Get to the point, Murray, I say. I can't take a second more of
• 2:03:37
  her rambling. Fine, she says, huffing.
• 2:03:39
  He paid me off. My mind takes a moment to wrap
• 2:03:42
  around those words and what they all could mean.
• 2:03:44
  Who paid you off for what? St Cam, Whoever he is, I caught
• 2:03:49
  him out there in the road that night.
• 2:03:50
  He told you there was a police chase.
• 2:03:52
  There was no police chase. I didn't.
• 2:03:55
  I did not guess that Cam would have paid off this woman.
• 2:04:00
  That was not not on my radar at all.
• 2:04:03
  But it also kind of feels inconsequential.
• 2:04:05
  So anyway, at first I saw the police lights and thought
• 2:04:08
  something had actually happened. I almost woke up Louis but
• 2:04:11
  decided I'd just go outside and walk down towards your place to
• 2:04:13
  have a look for myself. And that's when I saw the guy.
• 2:04:16
  He was setting out fake police lights in the road.
• 2:04:18
  There weren't any actual cops, nobody just lights.
• 2:04:21
  He had some on his car, he put a couple on a tree by your house.
• 2:04:26
  I confronted him, I'm not scared of people and he was on our Rd
• 2:04:29
  being suspicious so I asked him what the hell he was doing.
• 2:04:32
  I caught him red handed. I told him I was going to call
• 2:04:34
  the cops and that's when he came clean, said he knew you and
• 2:04:37
  reassured me that he was just playing an innocent prank.
• 2:04:39
  I didn't feel comfortable with that so I demanded to know more.
• 2:04:42
  He showed me the lights and offered to show me his
• 2:04:44
  identification. Told me he was just there
• 2:04:46
  because you're a writer and that you work better if things happen
• 2:04:49
  to you that you're writing about Hell.
• 2:04:50
  It sounded like a reasonable explanation.
• 2:04:52
  No, no it doesn't. And he didn't seem to be
• 2:04:55
  threatening How? How would you know?
• 2:04:57
  How would you know? Promised I could wait out by the
• 2:05:00
  road until he left to make sure he didn't kill you.
• 2:05:03
  He said he was just there to give you inspiration for your
• 2:05:05
  book, that it's something you 2 worked up.
• 2:05:07
  He said I knew about it. Yeah.
• 2:05:09
  I mean, he didn't go into details about how much you knew,
• 2:05:11
  but he said you asked him to scare you.
• 2:05:13
  And like I told you before, I know how it is to be an artist.
• 2:05:16
  Sometimes we got to do things to get the juices flowing.
• 2:05:19
  I just figured it was some kind of kink, A fetish that was
• 2:05:21
  between the two of you. I tried to mind my business, but
• 2:05:24
  I also wasn't going to just let some stranger kill you.
• 2:05:27
  I did wait until he left. Anyway.
• 2:05:31
  We were right. He's not a real detective.
• 2:05:33
  Nathaniel St is not his real name because it's a stupid name.
• 2:05:36
  We called it. And then in my original notes I
• 2:05:39
  said I just can't decide at this point if he's been paid for by
• 2:05:42
  Nora like I expected or if he's just a crazy stalker fan who
• 2:05:45
  watched her live stream and decided to try and help her.
• 2:05:48
  I'm. Going to give you a.
• 2:05:49
  Spoiler now. OK, it's both, I know.
• 2:05:56
  Chapter 22. She finally realises he's been
• 2:05:58
  using a fake name, but only because she tries to Google him.
• 2:06:01
  Took her long enough. You've been having this affair
• 2:06:03
  for weeks and you never thought to just Google him?
• 2:06:05
  Mental. She decides to try and do a
• 2:06:07
  Google reverse image search for his face, but obviously that
• 2:06:10
  won't work because Google protects people's faces and
• 2:06:12
  identities like this. So instead she pays for some
• 2:06:14
  dodgy service and she finds that his name is actually Eric
• 2:06:17
  Kingston. This may be the most ordinary
• 2:06:20
  name in a Colin Hoover book ever.
• 2:06:22
  Love that for him. She starts Googling him with
• 2:06:25
  that name. She finds his LinkedIn profile
• 2:06:27
  saying that he's a screenwriter, but she still chooses to be
• 2:06:30
  stupid. I scan the page, my eyes racing
• 2:06:32
  over the details. He's not a detective.
• 2:06:34
  He's not even in law enforcement.
• 2:06:36
  Eric is an effing screenwriter. I blink, stunned, as I process
• 2:06:39
  the information. He supposedly worked on several
• 2:06:42
  film projects, some of which I've actually heard of.
• 2:06:44
  My mind is reeling. I scroll further down the page,
• 2:06:46
  taking in more of his resume, but nothing on the page reveals
• 2:06:49
  that he's a detective. Of course it doesn't.
• 2:06:52
  He's a screenwriter. There's no mention of law
• 2:06:54
  enforcement, no indication that he ever worked in that field.
• 2:06:58
  My brain is struggling to make sense of this conflicting
• 2:07:00
  information. You already know he's not
• 2:07:03
  police. He had fake lights.
• 2:07:06
  Maybe he's undercover that the thought feels far fetched, but
• 2:07:10
  at this point I'm grasping for explanations.
• 2:07:12
  Maybe he gave me a fake name because he's not allowed to use
• 2:07:14
  his real one. Maybe he's deep in some
• 2:07:16
  undercover operation and the reason there was nothing in the
• 2:07:19
  paper about the suicide and police chase.
• 2:07:21
  Is that it's all classified? Shut up.
• 2:07:24
  Petra is so completely dumb. You know absolutely that he is
• 2:07:29
  not police at this point and she's still in denial.
• 2:07:33
  She's stupid. She is actually stupid.
• 2:07:35
  It's infuriating. She panics and decides to try
• 2:07:38
  and leave the cabin and run away and go back to her family, which
• 2:07:41
  is what she should have done weeks ago.
• 2:07:42
  But as she's packing, St Eric, as I shall now be calling him,
• 2:07:45
  has broken into her cabin again and he knows what she's found
• 2:07:49
  out about him because he sees her phone.
• 2:07:51
  And I guess like the whole fake identity bit is kind of the
• 2:07:55
  thriller part of this book, I guess.
• 2:07:57
  But it's still not interesting enough to justify it being a
• 2:08:00
  whole book and everything else in it.
• 2:08:02
  It's still just a boring affair story really, isn't it?
• 2:08:06
  He reveals to her that he did all this because your live
• 2:08:09
  video, his tone is deliberate, like he's explaining something
• 2:08:12
  simple to a child. You said you wish you could
• 2:08:14
  experience the things you write about.
• 2:08:16
  You said your character was a cop.
• 2:08:18
  I brought that to you. So he is a crazed fan.
• 2:08:21
  And then she realises. Which means he's been following
• 2:08:25
  me. He's in my private group.
• 2:08:27
  My stomach churns with the sickening realisation that this
• 2:08:29
  wasn't some random encounter. He's been planning this,
• 2:08:31
  watching me for God knows how long.
• 2:08:33
  How long has he been following me online?
• 2:08:35
  The thought makes my skin crawl. Told you, creepy stalker.
• 2:08:39
  He's where I made a mistake in my original script I wrote.
• 2:08:42
  Hey, at least the ones Colleen is finally presenting.
• 2:08:45
  The creepy stalker was the bad guy.
• 2:08:46
  This is new for her. However, with everything that
• 2:08:50
  follows after this point, I take that back because she does not
• 2:08:53
  end up portraying him as the bad guy.
• 2:08:56
  She makes so many excuses for him it's infuriating.
• 2:08:59
  It's infuriating. However, I did say I'm
• 2:09:02
  conflicted about this whole reveal and everything because on
• 2:09:04
  the one hand, I'm glad she went with the plot that actually
• 2:09:06
  makes sense. Even if it was predictable,
• 2:09:08
  that's OK because it does make sense.
• 2:09:11
  It's logical, it falls through. This is great.
• 2:09:13
  On the other hand, for any of this to have worked in universe,
• 2:09:17
  Petra had to be so incredibly dumb for all this stuff to
• 2:09:20
  happen to her and her not realise she had to be so stupid.
• 2:09:24
  And because of that she's just a really infuriating character to
• 2:09:26
  read. It turns out he did absolutely
• 2:09:29
  lie about everything. His name, his job, the wife and
• 2:09:31
  infertility all made-up. My other question then though is
• 2:09:36
  like who was phoning him all those times?
• 2:09:37
  But that's never answered so I just assume it's probably like
• 2:09:40
  work call or something that happened in an inopportune time.
• 2:09:43
  Or maybe he's set a timer on his phone to go, I don't know.
• 2:09:46
  Anyway, she tries to call the police but he attacks her and
• 2:09:49
  steals her phone from her hands and says I haven't done anything
• 2:09:53
  wrong. Petra, really, mate?
• 2:09:56
  His voice is sharp, laced with fury as he tosses the phone
• 2:09:59
  behind him with a careless flick of his wrist.
• 2:10:01
  The sound of it hitting the wall makes me flinch.
• 2:10:03
  The next thing I know, he's pushing my shoulders hard enough
• 2:10:05
  that I stumble and fall back onto the bed, a scramble,
• 2:10:08
  crawling frantically towards the headboard, trying to put as much
• 2:10:10
  space between us as possible. My mind is screaming at me to
• 2:10:13
  keep moving, to find a way out, but I'm cornered.
• 2:10:17
  And this is what I mean. So I'm saying he goes on to be
• 2:10:20
  like a total victim blamer, saying you asked for this, you
• 2:10:22
  wanted this. I could tell on your live
• 2:10:24
  streams you said you so clearly wanted this and so on.
• 2:10:27
  Nonsense, absolute nonsense. They didn't have a discussion
• 2:10:30
  about this beforehand. There was no safety in this role
• 2:10:33
  play. There was no consent in it.
• 2:10:35
  No, she did not ask for this. He says that what they've done
• 2:10:39
  to each other is exactly the same because.
• 2:10:42
  He grips the. Back of his neck, his
• 2:10:43
  frustration mountain, his face twisted with anger.
• 2:10:45
  You didn't lie, Petra. You're effing married.
• 2:10:48
  He roars, his voice filled with accusations as he closes the
• 2:10:51
  distance between us in three long strides.
• 2:10:53
  I instinctively scoot to the other side of the bed, trying to
• 2:10:55
  keep the space between us, my pulse pounding in my throat.
• 2:10:58
  You're a wife and mother. He spits the word sharp as a
• 2:11:01
  blade. And none of your readers know
• 2:11:03
  that I didn't know that you pretend.
• 2:11:05
  You pretend to be someone you're not every day of your life.
• 2:11:08
  His words cut deep. Striking at the soul of the part
• 2:11:11
  of myself I keep pride, striking at the soul of the part of
• 2:11:15
  myself I keep private. That's horrible phrasing.
• 2:11:17
  The people I've carefully kept separate from my public persona.
• 2:11:20
  He's insane. He's in this total parasocial.
• 2:11:23
  He's got this total parasocial relationship thing going on with
• 2:11:26
  her. Like she didn't lie to the
• 2:11:29
  public about how like she never said she was single, she just
• 2:11:32
  didn't say anything about her family and private life and that
• 2:11:35
  is more than OK. He's the one who like assumed if
• 2:11:38
  she didn't say anything then she must be and he just filled in
• 2:11:40
  the blanks for himself and made this stuff up and then got mad
• 2:11:43
  when his fantasy wasn't reality. Admittedly, when they met, she
• 2:11:48
  cheated on her husband and didn't tell him that's what
• 2:11:50
  going on. So that that was a lie.
• 2:11:51
  I'll give him that. But before that, not not her
• 2:11:55
  fault, not her bad. There in the midst of my
• 2:11:57
  spiralling thoughts, it comes to me a title.
• 2:11:59
  Oh, I hate this a title for this book.
• 2:12:03
  Woman down a she did it. She said the title of the book
• 2:12:08
  in the book, and it's the title of the book in the book Meta.
• 2:12:13
  Because that's what I am, how I feel.
• 2:12:15
  It perfectly describes the trajectory of my life, which
• 2:12:17
  will more than likely mirror Reyes.
• 2:12:19
  If I survive this, that is. The book may never get finished
• 2:12:23
  because I have no idea if I'm safe or doomed right now.
• 2:12:26
  I don't really care. I'm struggling to maintain
• 2:12:28
  control of my reactions, to keep my face neutral, my body still.
• 2:12:31
  But I'm beginning to think I might.
• 2:12:32
  Make it out of this cabin alive. I just have to keep my cool.
• 2:12:36
  Do me a favour, Petra, he says, his voice dropping lower, almost
• 2:12:39
  a whisper. When you finish this book,
• 2:12:41
  dedicate it to Saint because he effed that story out of you.
• 2:12:45
  I hate how Colin Hoover writes. His words hit me like a slap and
• 2:12:49
  I gasp. An instinctual, an instinctual,
• 2:12:52
  visceral reaction. But it's not fear that makes me
• 2:12:55
  gasp, no, it's something much darker, something far more
• 2:12:58
  unsettling. I gasp because I shouldn't be
• 2:13:00
  feeling well, I'm feeling right now, but my body reacts in the
• 2:13:03
  complete opposite way from my mind.
• 2:13:05
  My intellect is screaming at me to protect myself, to run, but
• 2:13:08
  my nerves and the warmth building in my stomach are
• 2:13:11
  craving the opposite. My body still wants him to touch
• 2:13:14
  me, kiss me, to F me. Shut up.
• 2:13:17
  I thought this book was going somewhere good and instead we
• 2:13:20
  get this. I thought she was making the bad
• 2:13:22
  guy, actually the bad guy, but no, she has to go and ruin it.
• 2:13:26
  I was already to say that I thought Colin Hoover had, you
• 2:13:28
  know, learnt her lesson, that I'd underestimated this book,
• 2:13:31
  that the ending was going to redeem it.
• 2:13:33
  But no, she hits US with this nonsense of yeah, sure, he
• 2:13:36
  stalked me for weeks and tortured me and hurt me and done
• 2:13:40
  all this stuff without my consent and lied about who he is
• 2:13:42
  and basically raped me by deception.
• 2:13:44
  But he's still kind of hot, so I kind of want him stop.
• 2:13:50
  It. I want to leave.
• 2:13:52
  I whisper, my voice barely audible.
• 2:13:53
  The words come out shaky and more uncertain than I intended.
• 2:13:57
  It's the truth. I do want to leave.
• 2:13:59
  My mind does anyway. He's still staring at my mouth,
• 2:14:02
  his fingers grazing my lips with a touch so light it sends a
• 2:14:05
  shiver down my spine. It's, it's one of these.
• 2:14:08
  My words say no, but my body says yes.
• 2:14:10
  Moments that I hate. I hate this nonsense.
• 2:14:13
  His eyes flick back to mine, locking me in place with a gaze
• 2:14:16
  so intense it feels like he's seen right through me, like he
• 2:14:19
  knows exactly what kind of bottle, what kind of battle my
• 2:14:22
  body is waging against my conscience.
• 2:14:24
  He completely ignores my request as if I never said it, and
• 2:14:27
  instead, without warning, his tongue dives into my mouth with
• 2:14:30
  a heat that steals my breath away.
• 2:14:32
  This is sexual assault. The heat blends with my terror
• 2:14:35
  in a kiss that is equal parts passion and desperation, and for
• 2:14:38
  a moment, I'm stuck in it. I don't want him to.
• 2:14:41
  I don't want to kiss him back, I don't want to give in to the
• 2:14:44
  pull of him. But my body betrays me, my lips
• 2:14:47
  moving against his as if they have a mind of their own.
• 2:14:50
  I feel the familiar rush of adrenaline, the desire coursing
• 2:14:52
  through me and it scares me, like I'm not in control of my
• 2:14:55
  actions. I'm sick of reading sexual
• 2:14:58
  assault. I'm so tired.
• 2:15:00
  Thankfully though, she does change her mind and actually
• 2:15:02
  manages to push him away. St is standing in the door with
• 2:15:05
  the cabin, leaning casually against the frame.
• 2:15:07
  His eyes are locked on mine, watching me leave with a look I
• 2:15:10
  can't quite decipher. There's no anger in his
• 2:15:12
  expression, no rage, just something calm, almost resigned.
• 2:15:16
  His posture is relaxed, his arms crossed over his chest as if
• 2:15:19
  he's content to just stand there and watch.
• 2:15:21
  But I can't shake the feeling that he's letting me go too
• 2:15:23
  easily and there's something I'm missing.
• 2:15:26
  So yeah, as confrontations go, as the climax of a book goes,
• 2:15:31
  pretty boring. That's it.
• 2:15:34
  Colleen Hoover always comes so close to making good points, but
• 2:15:37
  her poor writing always, always lets her down.
• 2:15:40
  For example, I've always known to be afraid of the obvious
• 2:15:43
  things like lions and bears, because of those are the things
• 2:15:46
  that present as dangerous. What I'm just now realising is
• 2:15:49
  that I should have been more afraid of the things that have
• 2:15:52
  the capability of pretending they're not dangerous.
• 2:15:55
  Chapter 23 and we get a big time skip.
• 2:15:58
  Jump forward. It's been like, I don't know,
• 2:15:59
  something like 2 years or whatever at this point.
• 2:16:02
  Petra's back home with her husband still with him.
• 2:16:04
  For some reason he never found out about the affair.
• 2:16:06
  Poor man. Her book is finished and it's
• 2:16:08
  coming out in a few weeks. Her husband reads it for the
• 2:16:10
  first time now and we get more sucking up to Collie.
• 2:16:14
  Sorry Petra here. We all know it's really Colleen.
• 2:16:17
  He says. It was effing thrilling.
• 2:16:19
  Petra, I think this might be my favourite book of yours so far.
• 2:16:23
  Saint asks her no all the way around.
• 2:16:25
  Shepherd asks her who St is that she's dedicated the book to,
• 2:16:28
  which is wild and she says. I only follow through with
• 2:16:31
  Saints final request because I was afraid of what he might do
• 2:16:34
  if I didn't. I didn't want to risk making him
• 2:16:37
  angry or worse, giving him a reason to show up here.
• 2:16:40
  He already knows my home address and because I've learned so
• 2:16:42
  little about him I wouldn't even know how to prevent him from
• 2:16:45
  showing up here. Just get a restraining order.
• 2:16:48
  Tell your husband he's a crazy fan, which he is, and get a
• 2:16:50
  restraining order. Wild.
• 2:16:53
  She also says about her husband we have more sex now than we did
• 2:16:57
  before St came into my life. I think part of it has to do
• 2:17:00
  with the fact I feel like I betrayed Shepherd in so many
• 2:17:02
  ways that making love to him is my Hail Mary.
• 2:17:05
  If I give Shepherd his favourite thing, maybe it'll erase some of
• 2:17:08
  the terrible things I've done. Well that's messed up as hell.
• 2:17:11
  That is not a healthy attitude towards sex or your
• 2:17:13
  relationship. Once again I ask, please go get
• 2:17:17
  therapy. But I also Make Love to Shepherd
• 2:17:19
  more often now because when he's inside me I close my eyes and
• 2:17:22
  pretend I being effed by St. And it got worse.
• 2:17:27
  Can we please stop romanticising and glamorising abusive stalker
• 2:17:33
  rapists please? Is that too much to ask?
• 2:17:37
  I now see why this book was categorised as dark romance and
• 2:17:40
  I hate it. In the very last chapter, she
• 2:17:43
  goes on a book tour and it's more of her just heaping praise
• 2:17:46
  on herself. And then predictably, St Eric
• 2:17:49
  shows up in the crowd at the book tour at this signing thing.
• 2:17:52
  And he goes, I just have one question, he says, his voice
• 2:17:55
  causing the familiar wave of turmoil beneath my skin.
• 2:17:58
  Where'd you get your inspiration?
• 2:18:00
  Of course he's there. Of course he asks this and he
• 2:18:04
  comes to get the book signed and she's grumpy about it.
• 2:18:06
  And then he leaves and he goes to speak with in the car park.
• 2:18:10
  MMM. Nora called it mate.
• 2:18:13
  Kind of. Why do both of them look like
• 2:18:16
  they have something to hide from me?
• 2:18:17
  Has something already happened between them?
• 2:18:19
  Am I too late? I walk close to them, hesitant.
• 2:18:21
  What is this? I ask, my eyes trading glances
• 2:18:24
  with each of them, waiting for the one of them to speak.
• 2:18:26
  She's so dumb. She is so dumb.
• 2:18:29
  Nora doesn't react like I expected to.
• 2:18:31
  Instead, she insane share another look, but this one is
• 2:18:34
  chock full of shame. She folds her arms up her chest
• 2:18:37
  and looks down at the pavement. I wait for one of them to
• 2:18:40
  elaborate, but neither of them does.
• 2:18:42
  Nora eventually peers up at me with eyes that hold a level of
• 2:18:45
  betrayal like I've never seen in another human.
• 2:18:48
  Eric is an old friend of mine. The words sound like echoes
• 2:18:51
  reverberating around my heart. He's what Colin Houver is so
• 2:18:57
  predictable. We also.
• 2:18:58
  It's going from the beginning. Right.
• 2:19:00
  She lowers her voice to almost a whisper.
• 2:19:02
  You were stuck, Petra. I was trying to help and the
• 2:19:04
  voice is a plea for forgiveness, but I'm still not sure what
• 2:19:07
  she's done that requires my forgiveness.
• 2:19:08
  Oh you're dumb. You're so dumb.
• 2:19:11
  She's actually stupid. How is Nora, my best friend in
• 2:19:14
  the whole effing world, involved in what happened between me and
• 2:19:16
  St? She continues by saying Eric and
• 2:19:19
  I. She waves her hand at him.
• 2:19:22
  After my life video with you ended that night, we were
• 2:19:24
  chatting online. We joked about how it would be
• 2:19:25
  nice if he could help you get out of your slump.
• 2:19:28
  And you seem so desperate for inspiration.
• 2:19:30
  I said in my original notes. Oh yeah, You want your friend to
• 2:19:33
  write a book? Just set her up to be a just set
• 2:19:35
  her up to be abused and raped and stalked.
• 2:19:37
  That makes sense. Police.
• 2:19:39
  Now, that's not quite what happened, but still stands.
• 2:19:46
  Basically, we find out she didn't actually tell him to do
• 2:19:48
  the creepy stuff. She just asked him to go there,
• 2:19:50
  pretend to be the police officer at night and just like get her
• 2:19:55
  inspired. She didn't know that St Eric was
• 2:19:59
  going to go off script and go back the next day and then start
• 2:20:02
  a whole affair with her and have like a whole character and a
• 2:20:05
  whole thing. And the affair and the torture
• 2:20:08
  and the abuse and the rape. She did not know that was
• 2:20:10
  happening. She just set up the initial
• 2:20:12
  incident. She didn't know the rest of it.
• 2:20:14
  So she didn't tell him to do the creepy stuff.
• 2:20:17
  But she did send a creep round to her friend, who is a single
• 2:20:21
  woman in the middle of or a lone woman in the middle of nowhere.
• 2:20:24
  And and, yeah, anyway. And then we backtrack a bit and
• 2:20:30
  St Eric is like, it's all my fault.
• 2:20:31
  I'm obsessed with you. And he says I was the one who
• 2:20:34
  pushed her to think it was a good idea.
• 2:20:36
  I wanted to meet you. And then once I actually met
• 2:20:39
  you, I was intrigued more than intrigued.
• 2:20:41
  So I kept it up without telling her.
• 2:20:43
  I never meant to scare you or betray you.
• 2:20:44
  I was attracted to you. Oh, well, that's all right then,
• 2:20:47
  isn't it? As long as you're thinking with
• 2:20:48
  your penis, anything can be forgiven.
• 2:20:50
  And I let it go too far. I'm and I'm sorry, truly.
• 2:20:54
  He reaches the hand up and grips my elbow, gently dipping his
• 2:20:56
  head so that I'm forced to look him in the eye.
• 2:20:58
  I'm sorry, I hate this. I hate this isn't an excuse.
• 2:21:02
  He's a creepy. Stalker and I hate this, she
• 2:21:06
  says. Good for her, I want you to
• 2:21:07
  leave and I never want to see you again.
• 2:21:09
  He nods, but then he says for what it's worth, I would do it
• 2:21:12
  again in a heartbeat. He's a creep.
• 2:21:15
  Stop him. At the very, very end of the
• 2:21:17
  book, Petra looks at her good Read reviews of her book because
• 2:21:20
  of course she does. And because it's Colleen Hoover,
• 2:21:23
  of course. There's so many good ones about
• 2:21:25
  how perfect this book is and how attractive this male love
• 2:21:28
  interest is that she's based on Saint Eric the creepy stalker
• 2:21:32
  and how all these women are just swooning over him and.
• 2:21:35
  And then the. Book ends with Petra getting an
• 2:21:37
  e-mail to say someone someone has booked and prepaid for
• 2:21:41
  another cabin in the woods in her name.
• 2:21:44
  Then she gets an e-mail from an unknown e-mail address saying I
• 2:21:48
  think it's time we start working on your next book Petra.
• 2:21:52
  And then the book ends. That's it.
• 2:21:53
  That's the last line of the book.
• 2:21:54
  It just ends there. Which I guess is leaving it
• 2:21:56
  open-ended as to whether they carry on their affair or not or
• 2:21:59
  if you continue stalking her or what.
• 2:22:01
  But to me this is creepy as hell and it undermines the
• 2:22:03
  seriousness of how messed up everything he did was and shows
• 2:22:07
  that Colleen Hoover is not condemning that behaviour.
• 2:22:10
  She is romanticising it and I hate it.
• 2:22:13
  I hate it all. And that's it, that is the end.
• 2:22:18
  OK, I have thoughts, many thoughts.
• 2:22:20
  Let me summarise. I have a bullet pointed list.
• 2:22:22
  Let's start with the positives. One, this is not the worst thing
• 2:22:26
  Colleen Hoover has ever written. Two, it didn't suffer from a lot
• 2:22:30
  of the typical Colleen Hoover problems like forgotten
• 2:22:32
  characters, dropped side plots, every woman getting pregnant
• 2:22:35
  every opportunity and people having jobs they are too young
• 2:22:38
  and under qualified for. None of those problems,
• 2:22:41
  thankfully, which is refreshing. Three, I do think that the
• 2:22:45
  premise is one that could have been interesting if handled by a
• 2:22:48
  better author. I wish the focus had been more
• 2:22:50
  of the thriller aspect, and I would have liked to see him go
• 2:22:53
  on full on crazy stalker after she found out who he was instead
• 2:22:56
  of just a bunch of sex scenes. 4 The whole discussion about
• 2:22:59
  cancellation and feedback and the harm books cause could be so
• 2:23:03
  interesting if done by a better author. 5 At least the plot was
• 2:23:08
  coherent and made sense and the payoff made sense.
• 2:23:11
  The twists made sense. And six, she didn't use any of
• 2:23:15
  the typical writing gimmicks that she normally does.
• 2:23:18
  No diary entries to Ellen, no switching perspectives, no
• 2:23:21
  letter writing. This is good.
• 2:23:22
  I prefer this. And now the negatives.
• 2:23:25
  One, I hated every single character.
• 2:23:28
  Awful, irredeemable, not even enjoyable to hate.
• 2:23:30
  Read 2. I hate at the top 2.
• 2:23:34
  If you hadn't guessed it, I hated the constant
• 2:23:36
  justifications of cheating. Three, I hate it.
• 2:23:39
  Again, you can probably guess this.
• 2:23:40
  I hated the romanticization of stalking and violence and abuse
• 2:23:44
  and rape and the typical I know it's wrong, but it makes my
• 2:23:47
  vagina twitchy so I guess it's OK this time.
• 2:23:50
  It's gross and I'm sick of it. 4 Colleen's discussions about why
• 2:23:54
  people critique her books, why books get banned, and why people
• 2:23:58
  critique in dark romance in general, and why people critique
• 2:24:02
  dark romance in general. Her understanding and
• 2:24:04
  discussions around that generally show a distinct lack
• 2:24:07
  of understanding and nuance, and it's frustrating as hell. 5 is
• 2:24:11
  that the pacing was pretty bad. I wanted less.
• 2:24:14
  Woe is me being a writer. It's so hard.
• 2:24:16
  In the first like quarter of the book.
• 2:24:18
  You could scrap pretty much all of that and it would still be
• 2:24:20
  the same book, it wouldn't make a difference.
• 2:24:22
  And you could scrap this whole film cancellation thing in the
• 2:24:25
  hate online and it would still be the same book.
• 2:24:28
  Wouldn't make a difference. Then the next 70% of the book
• 2:24:31
  was just violence and sex and violence.
• 2:24:33
  And then the last 5% was, Oh my God, the reveal.
• 2:24:36
  This is so. Awful, but I still kind of want
• 2:24:38
  to have sex with him. The whole pacing didn't work for
• 2:24:41
  me. The whole setup didn't work for
• 2:24:42
  me. The whole context didn't work
• 2:24:44
  for me. Hate it 6 Most of the names are
• 2:24:47
  still stupid except Eric Kingston.
• 2:24:49
  Was it Kingston? Something like that.
• 2:24:51
  That's, that's the only normal 17.
• 2:24:55
  The self insert main character combined with her constantly
• 2:24:58
  having other characters go on and on about what a totally
• 2:25:00
  wonderful, perfect, super talented, beautiful author she
• 2:25:03
  is was just way too much for me. I couldn't cope with that.
• 2:25:06
  And I'm sure there's more, but I'm tired.
• 2:25:10
  It's like 1:00 AM. And so I'm going to leave it
• 2:25:12
  here because I'm completely exhausted.
• 2:25:14
  I think. And I did on Goodreads, I gave
• 2:25:17
  this book two stars because it's better than her other books and
• 2:25:20
  so it doesn't quite deserve that one star rating.
• 2:25:22
  It's not good, but it does have potential.
• 2:25:25
  And I think there are other authors that could have taken
• 2:25:27
  this premise and done it much better.
• 2:25:28
  So I do think that potential is there.
• 2:25:30
  So I gave it an extra star for that.
• 2:25:32
  And if you do want to look into the world of counselled authors
• 2:25:34
  in fiction instead, like I said earlier, I would recommend the
• 2:25:37
  cows or yellow face. They just do it much better.
• 2:25:41
  As I was finishing this up, I found my Colleen Hoover bingo
• 2:25:44
  list and I was going to go through this with you, but it's
• 2:25:46
  it's quite long. So I'm going to leave the bingo
• 2:25:49
  list and it's like a Google document down in the it's going
• 2:25:54
  to be LinkedIn, the video description.
• 2:25:55
  If you want to go through it and take off the ones that were in
• 2:25:59
  this book. So, for example, bad sex scenes,
• 2:26:03
  manipulation described this manipulation disguised as
• 2:26:07
  romance. Stupid first names saying the
• 2:26:11
  name of the book in the book she she committed many a Colleen
• 2:26:15
  Hooverson in this book. Not all of them though, not all
• 2:26:17
  of them, but still quite a lot. So if you want to go through
• 2:26:20
  that for yourself, you absolutely can do.
• 2:26:22
  But for now or as a channel member, I appreciate you guys so
• 2:26:25
  much and I couldn't do this without you.
• 2:26:27
  Thank you so much to Belessa who is sponsoring today's video.
• 2:26:29
  And remember, if you want to be a part of the giveaway and get
• 2:26:32
  yourself a free toy or gift card, you can go check out my
• 2:26:34
  link down below. It's going to be a pin comment
• 2:26:37
  and in the video description. And yeah, for now, thank you so
• 2:26:41
  much for watching. If you enjoyed this, please
• 2:26:42
  subscribe. I'd love it if you want to stick
• 2:26:44
  around and also feel free to leave a like or share this
• 2:26:47
  around online because it does really, really help for now.
• 2:26:50
  Thank you so much. I will see you again soon and
• 2:26:53
  I'm going to go snuggle my little koobie there because I'm
• 2:26:56
  exhausted. So thank you everyone and I hope
• 2:26:58
  you have a wonderful rest of your day.
• 2:27:00
  Bye.