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SOBER TALK SA- Ian. L · Sober Talk SA

• 0:46
  Welcome to sober talk. I'm Dennis and I've lived
• 0:49
  experience of alcohol. If you or anyone you know is
• 0:52
  struggling with alcohol, please call Alcoholics Anonymous on
• 0:56
  1300 double 22222 or check out their website on aa.org dot AU.
• 1:05
  I'll just run through the preamble of Alcoholics
• 1:07
  Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous is a
• 1:10
  fellowship of men and women who share their experience,
• 1:13
  strengthen hope with each other. They must solve their come
• 1:16
  problems and help others to recover from alcoholism.
• 1:20
  The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop
• 1:23
  drinking. There are no dues or fees for
• 1:25
  AIR membership. We are self supporting through
• 1:27
  our own contributions. AIR is not allied with any SEC
• 1:31
  denomination, politics, organization or institution.
• 1:35
  Does not wish to engage in any controversy, neither endorses or
• 1:39
  oppose any causes. Our primary purpose is stir soap
• 1:43
  and help other Alcoholics achieve sobriety.
• 1:46
  Hi everyone, my my name is Ian. I'm an alcoholic.
• 1:51
  I believe I was born a alcoholic.
• 1:56
  I had a family history of alcoholism, suicide and drug
• 2:02
  addiction and yeah, I just don't.
• 2:10
  Growing up, I found myself felt different to everybody else, you
• 2:18
  know, like I found it very hard to fit in and I was constantly
• 2:23
  changing my personality to try and fit in with different groups
• 2:30
  of people. A lot like a chameleon.
• 2:33
  Obviously, I wasn't happy with my own, my own self, my my own
• 2:39
  being. You know, I always had to be
• 2:40
  somebody else, you know, trying to be somebody else because I
• 2:44
  felt no one sort of liked me, you know, And I mean, not all
• 2:47
  Alcoholics might feel this way, but this is, this is my story
• 2:52
  and this is how I felt as an alcoholic.
• 2:55
  So, you know, I was, I was pretty lonely, you know, like I
• 3:01
  just never really honestly never felt like I fitted anywhere.
• 3:04
  So I was, as a consequence, I just felt pretty much alone.
• 3:09
  I spent a lot of my time out in the out in the Bush, actually
• 3:13
  out in the country, in the, in the creeks and rivers by myself,
• 3:16
  you know, basically me and Mother Nature, you know, and I
• 3:20
  enjoyed those times, but I, I certainly felt different from
• 3:26
  everyone that one else and suffered loneliness.
• 3:32
  And, you know, when I turned 15, I, I found alcohol and, and that
• 3:38
  changed my whole world. I, I had this confidence.
• 3:43
  It took away all my fears and it was just like the magic potion
• 3:50
  to life. I could do life, you know, I
• 3:53
  could walk out the people and talk to them and as long as, as
• 3:57
  long as I've had a few drinks. And yeah, it was, yeah, just
• 4:06
  just the magic elixir, you know, And it solved a lot of problems
• 4:11
  for me. But it also, you know, I was a
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  blackout drinker from the very start.
• 4:17
  I didn't understand that. I just thought that was normal,
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  you know, I just thought that was normal drinking, you know, I
• 4:25
  mean, I guess a lot of people might have a blackout or two
• 4:28
  when they're when they're young, but you know, but I did it and
• 4:34
  kept on doing it, you know, I drank 2 blackouts, you know,
• 4:39
  like, and yeah, life just went on, you know, I married at a
• 4:45
  very young age, had children at a very young age and had my
• 4:49
  first divorce at a very young age and then go straight back
• 4:55
  into another relationship. I had more children and divorced
• 4:58
  again. And that was all true to my
• 5:02
  alcoholism. I just didn't have a clue who
• 5:07
  who I really was. I couldn't even spend time alone
• 5:13
  anymore, you know, like I needed to have a relationship, you
• 5:18
  know, I couldn't even I hated myself that much, I guess I
• 5:21
  couldn't even spend time alone, you know, like I needed somebody
• 5:25
  else in my life and and just continued on, you know,
• 5:33
  drinking, drinking, you know, for me, there was there was no,
• 5:38
  no solution. And I always thought I was a
• 5:42
  good husband and a good father and generally a good person.
• 5:48
  But yeah, they aren't just just a good person having a bad run.
• 5:54
  But that that really wasn't the case, as I was to find out
• 6:00
  later, later on in my life. Yeah.
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  Because, you know, with my alcoholism in the, in the house,
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  there was a lot of violence, a lot of arguing, a lot of banging
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  and crashing that just shouldn't happen in a, you know, in a
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  family home, you know, and it shouldn't happen anywhere.
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  But, you know, as a consequence of my heavy, you know, alcoholic
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  drinking, I, I became very violent and pushed everyone
• 6:30
  completely out of my life and ended up, you know, full of
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  resentment, hatred. I hated the world, you know,
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  like, you know, like everyone. It was, it was everyone else's
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  fault but mine. Everything was someone else's
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  fault. But, but you know, but mine, you
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  know, I was always blaming. I was the victim.
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  And my life just went on like that.
• 7:00
  And I tried many, many times to give up the those.
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  You know, the longest I ever lasted was four months.
• 7:14
  And you know, and what, one day I just decided to have one beer,
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  just one beer. And away I went again on that
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  cycle of getting drunk, swearing off it and forever and lasting
• 7:40
  on a few days and then getting back on it again.
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  It was just unlock a merry go round.
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  And I went on that for years and years and years of this cycle
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  that I could never, ever get off, never ever quit.
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  And at times I was on my knees, you know, to my wives and to my
• 7:59
  children. You know, when I'd wake up in
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  guilt chamber Morse, I'd wake up and think, I'm never, ever going
• 8:09
  to do that again. You know, a lot because I used
• 8:12
  to do things when I was drinking that I would never ever dream of
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  doing when I was sober, you know, like, and I actually
• 8:23
  remember doing them, you know, like not all the time.
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  Sometimes I was in blackout, but sometimes I'd remember doing
• 8:27
  things thinking that's a really good idea.
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  And I'd do certain things and then I'd wake up in the morning
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  and just go, Oh my God, what made me think to do to even do
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  that? You know, I've done horrific
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  things, you know, and, and just wake up full of guilt, kind of
• 8:46
  remorse, you know, no one. I wouldn't normally do that.
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  And I, I, you know, swear off the grog for good.
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  But within a day, within days or even hours, I'd be back on the
• 9:02
  grog again. And there's just a vicious
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  cycle. Just keep on going and going and
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  going and not. My life was, yeah, very fast,
• 9:12
  fast, heading downhill very fast.
• 9:17
  I ended up moving out into the country, isolating, doing a
• 9:22
  geographical withdrawal, you know, like moving and hoping to
• 9:29
  start a new life. And that was in the, in the pubs
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  in, in, in this country town where I live.
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  I was going to, I was going to meet all these new friends and
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  life was going to be grand. And that's what I thought that
• 9:43
  that was my plan to start a whole new life, which will
• 9:47
  revolve ground first. But it, it was a miracle really,
• 9:52
  because the first person I bumped into in this area where I
• 9:55
  Live Today is was a staunch member of Alcoholics Anonymous.
• 10:00
  And he didn't tell me that, you know, he, he, but we, we slowly
• 10:05
  became friends just through when we used to work together and we
• 10:11
  slowly became friends. And, and I was still on the grog
• 10:18
  and getting into trouble in this new area that I've moved a lot
• 10:21
  big trouble. And he mentioned to me about
• 10:26
  Alcoholics Anonymous. And I, I said to him, you know,
• 10:32
  oh, yeah, sounds interesting. But, you know, like, yeah, I
• 10:36
  don't don't think I really need it.
• 10:39
  But a few months went by and I was thinking about my life, you
• 10:45
  know, because I was living alone and I had plenty of time to
• 10:48
  think. And I was thinking about my
• 10:52
  life. And I was thinking, you know, if
• 10:54
  I was to die today, I wouldn't have one person at my funeral.
• 11:00
  And that was the truth, you know, like, I wouldn't have one
• 11:05
  person. And I've been to an alcoholic's
• 11:07
  funeral. And that was my wife's father.
• 11:13
  He died a practicing alcoholic. And my wife wasn't even going to
• 11:19
  go to his funeral, But I talked her into it.
• 11:21
  I said, it's your dad. You know, we should really go to
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  his funeral. And we went and we were the only
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  two people there, you know, And I thought, wow, well, if I was
• 11:33
  to die tomorrow, that's what my funeral would be like, you know,
• 11:37
  And I wondered whether I was an alcoholic.
• 11:41
  I started to wonder, to question it.
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  Is there something wrong with me?
• 11:44
  You know, like have am I an alcoholic?
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  Because I always thought an alcoholic was a guy that lived
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  on the park bench, you know, like with a brown paper bag.
• 11:58
  You know, I always thought, you know, I'm not that bad, but I
• 12:02
  was inside my head. I might have looked all right on
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  the outside, but inside my head, you know, I was the the park,
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  the guy on the park bench, you know, like.
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  Yeah. And so I I, I, I rang this
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  fellow up and said, hey, look, I'd like to just come and have a
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  look at this AAI think, I think I'd like to come and have a
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  look. And, and I I went and had a look
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  and, and at first I said, Oh yeah, yeah, I went for a few
• 12:36
  weeks and I said, Oh no, look, I don't know.
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  I, I don't really need, I'll just do it on my own, you know,
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  so I, I stopped going to the meetings and that and one of my
• 12:49
  friends said to me, you know, like he realized I wasn't coming
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  anymore and said, look, why don't you just give it three
• 12:59
  months? Just come and see, see what?
• 13:02
  I just give it three months and, and see, see how you go.
• 13:07
  You have I, he, he thought, you know, I should give it a bit
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  more of a try. So I did for the first half in
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  my life, I listened to somebody and then I, I gave it a try and
• 13:23
  I'm so glad I did, you know, I ended up, you know, going a lot
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  of meetings in town and like as in around Adelaide and all over
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  the place, really wherever I went, I went to Alcoholics
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  Anonymous meetings and I made that my aim, aim in those three
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  months to get to as many meetings as I could.
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  And I realized just the meetings alone started to make me feel
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  better, you know, like they put me at ease, you know, and I just
• 13:58
  felt better. I could go into the meeting,
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  agitate and come out thinking, feeling so much different.
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  And that's my fear. First realization, you know, and
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  all the things I would hear all the similarities and all, all it
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  was just like a new way of living to me, you know, and I
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  liked it. I really liked what I was
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  hearing. So I decided to stay and that
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  was that was in 2004. So it's been it's been nearly
• 14:27
  1616 years now, which I am so grateful for.
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  I tell you, my life has just turned around like just 180°.
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  It's, it's been amazing journey. It really has.
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  I don't think I'd be here today if I'd carried on the on the
• 14:53
  path I was on. I definitely don't think I'd be
• 14:58
  here if I was. I would be very sick.
• 15:00
  You know, like as in physically and mentally and spiritually in
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  a, a you know, like it's a 12 step program and I carry them
• 15:15
  steps through, through, through through my whole life.
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  You know, like I will hope to always carry them through my
• 15:22
  life, You know, like you know, like you know, the first first
• 15:29
  step is to, you know, admit that you have a you power sober
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  alcohol, you know, and I am if I take a drink, you know, I'm
• 15:40
  power sober, you know, it will take me again.
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  So for me, I hope to never ever drink again in my life, you
• 15:50
  know, like I may, but I hope I never do.
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  And all I need is to to reflect back on my past and I know where
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  that one drink will take me. And I never, ever want to go
• 16:07
  back to that, not compared to the life I have today.
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  And, you know, working the steps too.
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  I've had a really good look at myself.
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  You know, I mentioned before I thought I was a fairly good
• 16:21
  husband and a fairly good father and a generally a good person.
• 16:25
  But the truth is when I had a good look at myself through
• 16:30
  doing the steps, I learned who I really was.
• 16:34
  And, you know, I realized I was very selfish individual.
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  I was dishonest. And when I first came in, you
• 16:47
  couldn't have told me that, you know, like I wouldn't have
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  believed it. But as I got more and more
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  sober, I started to realize things about myself and it sank
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  in very, very deeply that I was very selfish and dishonest,
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  fearful, sensitive. I had lots, lots of sort of
• 17:12
  character defects. But you know, that it affected
• 17:17
  everyone around me really. I'd, you know, I hadn't given my
• 17:22
  kids the best upbringing. So I hadn't been a very good
• 17:26
  husband to my wife. I hadn't been a good brother,
• 17:29
  hadn't been a good son. You know, I've been good as in
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  I've been a pretty nasty person, actually.
• 17:35
  And, and that was the truth about myself.
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  But in Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, like I've to the best of
• 17:43
  my ability, made amends to all those people, you know, that
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  I've heard mainly, you know, I mean, I could probably never
• 17:50
  make amends to everyone that I've heard.
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  So I don't know where they all are, you know, but but if I ever
• 17:56
  come across them, I will do my best to make a management.
• 17:59
  But I mean, the biggest thing I can do is with my family and
• 18:05
  people associated with my families, you know, like it's
• 18:10
  just do the very best I can to patch up those relationships.
• 18:13
  And when I say patch up, it's more than that.
• 18:18
  It's actually form a true relationship with my children.
• 18:20
  You know, part of my I never really grew close to my kids.
• 18:28
  You know, like a lot of kids, fathers have kids and they play
• 18:32
  and roll around and do all sorts, you know, taking the
• 18:35
  playground and, you know, get involved in their sports and you
• 18:39
  know, so on and so on. But for me, drink took took over
• 18:47
  all that. You know, my most important
• 18:49
  thing in in life was to drink. Even though I was a working man,
• 18:54
  I used to go to work and then straight after work, the drink,
• 18:59
  that was the next priority. And didn't matter about the kids
• 19:03
  sport didn't matter about anything else.
• 19:05
  It was just the drink. And so, you know, I missed out
• 19:11
  on many beautiful times with my kids, you know, and
• 19:15
  unfortunately my kids, you know, the truth is they grew up, grew
• 19:20
  up without a, without a real father, you know, a real
• 19:25
  presence of a, of a, of a man in the house, you know, and I mean
• 19:31
  that, you know, I was, even though I'd grown up as in, in
• 19:40
  physically, as in, you know, I was 44 years old when I, when I
• 19:44
  gather drinking, I, I never actually matured.
• 19:48
  I was on, I was only really because because the boost stunts
• 19:54
  your emotions. You end up childlike in your
• 19:57
  emotions. And I was very much that.
• 19:59
  You know, I remember one time at one of my son's 21st, you know,
• 20:07
  I was as far as I was making a speech and internally I felt
• 20:13
  like saying, you know. When I grow up in front of all
• 20:18
  these people, you know, I was making a speech.
• 20:20
  When I grow up, I want to be like him, you know, that's
• 20:23
  internally. I want to be like my son who was
• 20:26
  21 and I was in about 43 then, you know, like, yeah, I was.
• 20:35
  So I didn't. I felt like my son was older
• 20:40
  than me, you know, like, and then the truth was because I was
• 20:43
  still drinking emotionally, he, he, he probably was older than
• 20:48
  me, you know, he was probably more mature, more older in that
• 20:50
  respect. But you know, that that's just,
• 20:55
  that's just how the, the disease of alcoholism is.
• 20:58
  It's, it just stunts your emotions.
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  And so it really effects us. And we don't even really know
• 21:08
  how. And, and we, we can't know until
• 21:11
  we, we know, you know, and but then once I started finding out
• 21:15
  things about myself, then I can start fixing them up, you know,
• 21:21
  And that's, that's what I've done in Alcoholics Anonymous is,
• 21:26
  you know, I've fixed up a lot of things about me.
• 21:32
  And I have good relationship with my children today, you
• 21:34
  know, they're adults now, you know, And yeah, no, I have a
• 21:40
  really good relationship. I have remarried in sobriety and
• 21:46
  I even have another little daughter.
• 21:48
  And in that relationship today is.
• 21:55
  Yeah, it's so much different to relationship I had with my kids,
• 22:02
  you know, And it's very sad, really, because that really
• 22:06
  makes me realize how much I've missed out on, you know, and but
• 22:15
  it doesn't take away my gratitude for Alcoholics
• 22:19
  Anonymous. Yeah.
• 22:22
  So, you know, that's that bit of sadness.
• 22:28
  It's sadness, but it's also happiness because without
• 22:31
  Alcoholics Anonymous, I wouldn't have had my little daughter, you
• 22:33
  know? So, yeah.
• 22:36
  But yeah, I won't go on for too much longer.
• 22:44
  I just, yeah, that's my story, pretty much.
• 22:48
  But yeah, all I can say is if you're out there, even if you
• 22:53
  think you might have a problem with alcoholism, even if you
• 22:58
  think that, come and have a look at the the rooms because you
• 23:03
  know, of alcohol. It's Anonymous because I never
• 23:06
  even thought, you know, I thought I had a problem, but but
• 23:10
  I never thought I was an alcoholic, you know, like, and,
• 23:15
  and it takes a long time. It takes a while for that to
• 23:17
  really sink in, you know, And you know, you can't know what
• 23:27
  you don't know, you know, And, and until, until you get into
• 23:32
  the rooms, you, you know, if you don't get into the rooms,
• 23:39
  there's a good chance your life is never going to get better.
• 23:42
  It's just going to get, it's just going to get worse.
• 23:45
  If you're an alcoholic, no matter how hard you try, it will
• 23:50
  get worse because it just will. It's just a fact.
• 23:55
  And yeah, I have a life today beyond my wildest dreams, you
• 24:02
  know, and I live a very simple life.
• 24:06
  I've taken all the complications out of it and I'm very happy,
• 24:11
  very happy indeed. What about travelling?
• 24:13
  Ian. Sorry, have you done any
• 24:16
  travelling? Oh yeah, travelling of, you
• 24:21
  know, like part of my, my journey is too, like I used to
• 24:24
  be a workaholic as well. You know, I used to work, work,
• 24:27
  work, drink, drink, drink. I don't, I don't work.
• 24:34
  I don't, I don't work anymore. I look after my little daughter
• 24:38
  on Mr. Mum. My wife works.
• 24:43
  I look after my daughter. And but we travel a lot.
• 24:48
  We, you know, we're with Alcoholics numbers a lot, a lot
• 24:50
  of the time all over Australia. It's, it's a life beyond my
• 24:55
  wildest dreams. You know, I've just come back
• 24:57
  from down when I was up there for five weeks, up in the, up in
• 25:01
  the beautiful sunshine, swimming in water holes and, and
• 25:07
  beautiful waterfalls and Mataranka, just Hot Springs and
• 25:14
  just paradise, you know, and I mean, comparing that to the life
• 25:21
  I was living, it's just just totally unbelievable.
• 25:24
  And already we're planning our next trip.
• 25:26
  We're, we're going hopefully for three months next year and
• 25:31
  travelling QLD, NT and then WA. And so a life beyond my wildest
• 25:40
  dreams. You know, I, I'm just so
• 25:44
  grateful, so grateful to the man who broke his anonymity to me,
• 25:51
  you know, told me he was an alcoholic and, and, and maybe
• 25:58
  the rooms of Alcoholics and none of us might be a good place for
• 26:02
  me. In fact, what he actually said
• 26:04
  was in I'm an alcoholic, I'm a member, I'm a member of
• 26:08
  Alcoholics Anonymous and the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous
• 26:13
  would blow you away, he said. And I'll tell you what they
• 26:17
  certainly have, you know, like absolutely amazing.
• 26:22
  And I will be forever grateful to that man.
• 26:26
  And just just one thing, you know, like I, I was very
• 26:30
  fortunate to meet him. And he was only young.
• 26:33
  He was, he was actually younger than me.
• 26:35
  He, he was 42 at the time. And then I knew him for a year
• 26:40
  and a half, and then he died of a sudden heart attack.
• 26:47
  Yeah. But I owe my life to that man,
• 26:49
  you know? Yeah, that's that's a bit of
• 26:52
  sadness, but but it's also joyous because his life, he
• 26:57
  helped a lot of people. He helped a lot of people like
• 27:00
  that, you know, are very highly regarded.
• 27:03
  And I, as I've said, I owe my life to him.
• 27:07
  Yeah. When I first got sober, it
• 27:09
  wasn't all smooth sailing. It wasn't all smooth sailing.
• 27:12
  I had trouble. I had problems.
• 27:14
  I didn't know how to live really without, without alcohol.
• 27:19
  And I, I rang up a friend I'd met an alcoholist.
• 27:23
  I'm in the city and he's there to talk to.
• 27:27
  Have you asked God about it? And I said, God, Oh, you know,
• 27:31
  is there a God of your understanding in a God of your
• 27:36
  understanding? And I thought, I haven't tried,
• 27:41
  but, but deep down I had AI had a, you know, I had a God of my
• 27:46
  own, my own understanding. And so I started speaking to the
• 27:52
  God of my own understanding. And you know, so a bit surely I
• 27:58
  developed my best friend, you know, yeah, I found my best
• 28:04
  friend. And you know, I can, that's the
• 28:09
  God of my understanding. And people will always let you
• 28:13
  down. But I believe the God of my
• 28:16
  understanding will never let me down.
• 28:18
  You know, I honestly believe that.
• 28:20
  And yeah, and that's, that's what the my friend who, who
• 28:25
  introduced me to he, he had a great faith as well, you know,
• 28:30
  in a God of his own understanding, you know, and
• 28:34
  that that was the that that was the greatest step for me, you
• 28:38
  know, And it, it really put some, I can only explain it, but
• 28:45
  magic into my life. Just just, it really did it.
• 28:49
  It really changed my life. And, you know, I am not the same
• 28:54
  person I used to be. I am not the same person I used
• 28:57
  to be. There's no doubt about that.
• 28:58
  You know, like, yeah, so. Thank you so much for sharing
• 29:03
  your story today. We really appreciate it.
• 29:07
  Yep, thank. You very much.
• 29:08
  Yeah, good on you. Been a pleasure.