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Transcript

22: The Strange Addiction of Self-Criticism · Banish the Lies: Outsmart Your Inner Critic

• 0:02
  Speaker: Welcome to Banish the Lies, the podcast where we outsmart that sneaky inner critic and get closer to the truth that sets us free.
• 0:10
  Speaker: I'm Tania Cervoni, your host and fellow work in progress, here to share real stories and small shifts that help you reclaim what fear and doubt once stole.
• 0:21
  Speaker: Let's jump in.
• 0:23
  Speaker: I have a confession to make.
• 0:29
  Speaker: So I responded.
• 1:09
  Speaker: I was open and warm and ultimately told this person that I hope they realized they were lovable and deserving of compassion.
• 1:16
  Speaker: And then something interesting happened.
• 1:20
  Speaker: They didn't respond.
• 1:22
  Speaker: At least not at first.
• 1:24
  Speaker: And what's kind of crazy is it's not even that my response required a response.
• 1:29
  Speaker: But in that space, the inner critic showed up and started wondering: was my response too much?
• 1:37
  Speaker: Did it sound preachy?
• 1:39
  Speaker: Was it at all condescending?
• 1:42
  Speaker: Was I acting like a teacher that they didn't ask for?
• 1:46
  Speaker: And that's the place where I started to really see the addiction.
• 1:50
  Speaker: Addiction to constant self-doubt and analysis.
• 1:56
  Speaker: And I got really curious.
• 1:59
  Speaker: Why does the mind do this?
• 2:01
  Speaker: Why does it instantly, or at least my mind, instantly start tearing me down after I put something out there?
• 2:11
  Speaker: It's almost like a compulsion to keep analyzing every frickin' thing I say and do.
• 2:19
  Speaker: And just hearing me describe this, I know it sounds a little nuts, but I'm being honest about it anyway.
• 2:27
  Speaker: And if anyone wants to respond and let me know I'm not alone, there is a link in the episode show notes where you can send me a text.
• 2:37
  Speaker: Anyway, what I'm seeing is that this critic isn't always trying to fix a mistake or even a perceived mistake.
• 2:46
  Speaker: It's trying to manage social belonging.
• 2:50
  Speaker: As humans, we're wired for connection.
• 2:54
  Speaker: From the moment we're born, we rely on other people for survival.
• 2:58
  Speaker: So our brains are constantly scanning for signals to make sure we're still okay with the people around us.
• 3:05
  Speaker: So when we do something that feels vulnerable or risky, and then there's silence or uncertainty, the brain starts imagining possible interpretations like, did I overstep?
• 3:18
  Speaker: Did I sound patronizing?
• 3:20
  Speaker: Did I make that person feel uncomfortable?
• 3:23
  Speaker: It's just trying to make sure we didn't violate some invisible social rule.
• 3:28
  Speaker: So here's what seems to happen.
• 3:31
  Speaker: You know, you put something out there, then there's uncertainty, there's no feedback, and our brains hate uncertainty.
• 3:38
  Speaker: They hate open loops.
• 3:40
  Speaker: So the mind starts filling in the blanks, and it's almost always choosing the worst possible interpretation.
• 3:49
  Speaker: So in my case, I wasn't sitting there thinking, oh wow, they must have been so blown away by my response that they're speechless.
• 3:59
  Speaker: No.
• 4:00
  Speaker: I started imagining how I might have inadvertently offended this person.
• 4:05
  Speaker: And the mind starts criticizing first, not to fix the problem, it was too late to prevent that, but to protect against the rejection it fears might be coming.
• 4:18
  Speaker: It's almost as if if I judge or reject myself first, then it won't hurt as much when someone else does.
• 4:25
  Speaker: And here's where the story gets ironic.
• 4:28
  Speaker: I was worried that by telling this person they were lovable, I might have sounded patronizing.
• 4:35
  Speaker: But the reason I said it is because I know what it feels like when the inner critic convinces you that you're not lovable.
• 4:42
  Speaker: So my message wasn't coming from superiority, it was coming from recognition.
• 4:48
  Speaker: I see you.
• 4:50
  Speaker: And why this is even more ironic is that if I rewind to earlier that morning, I had been doing a practice that I often do, which is kind of a two-way journaling with spirit.
• 5:03
  Speaker: I started the day feeling a little anxious and heavy, so I asked for a message to guide my day.
• 5:10
  Speaker: I wrote an entire page, which I'm not going to share here, but the bottom line of the message was simple.
• 5:16
  Speaker: Go out into the world today and be a spark, a spark of light.
• 5:22
  Speaker: In other words, bring light to people's lives.
• 5:25
  Speaker: So when this listener first reached out saying that the podcast helped them, for a brief moment I thought, ah, there's the spark.
• 5:33
  Speaker: Tanya, just do more of that.
• 5:35
  Speaker: But then the inner critic pulled my attention away from that and into all that drama of analyzing my response.
• 5:42
  Speaker: And it's interesting because the voice of the critic loves to ask, you know, how am I being evaluated?
• 5:49
  Speaker: What could I possibly have done wrong?
• 5:52
  Speaker: But the spark asks a completely different question.
• 5:56
  Speaker: It asks, What light can I bring?
• 6:00
  Speaker: And what's fascinating is that in the course of just a few hours, both voices were speaking to me.
• 6:07
  Speaker: So the real question becomes, which one am I going to give my attention to?
• 6:11
  Speaker: And what makes this story even funnier is that after all of my mental rumination and analysis, this person did respond.
• 6:19
  Speaker: And it was a beautiful, vulnerable message that honestly moved my heart and brought me to tears.
• 6:25
  Speaker: Once again, reminding me of the sometimes almost comical nature of that inner voice, it's so damn confident, and yet so often completely disconnected from reality.
• 6:39
  Speaker: And here's the thing: I'm realizing even if I had inadvertently offended this person, the hours of analysis and rumination still wouldn't have served me.
• 6:51
  Speaker: It wouldn't have changed what I wrote, it wouldn't have repaired anything.
• 6:55
  Speaker: It only made me suffer in advance.
• 6:58
  Speaker: So maybe the goal isn't to eliminate the inner critic, maybe the goal is simply to notice when it starts pulling us into that spiral of self-analysis and gently bringing our attention back to the spark, back to the light that we're here to bring.
• 7:18
  Speaker: Because the world doesn't need our perfect responses.
• 7:22
  Speaker: It doesn't need us to be perfect at all.
• 7:25
  Speaker: It needs the small sparks of kindness and honesty and encouragement that we're willing to put out there.
• 7:33
  Speaker: And maybe that's what it really means to simply be a fellow work in progress, not having it all figured out, but still choosing to be the spark anyway.
• 7:46
  Speaker: Cheers.
• 7:47
  Speaker: Thanks for listening to Banish the Lies.
• 7:54
  Speaker: If today's episode resonated with you, take a moment to let it settle in and maybe share it with a friend who could use it too.
• 8:02
  Speaker: Lies lose their power when we're brave enough to challenge them.
• 8:05
  Speaker: I'm Tania Cervoni, and until next time, be kind to yourself and remember you're not broken, you're not alone, and you don't have to stay stuck.