Latest / Recovery Chronicles / Recovery Chronicles Ep. 170 - Tricia

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Recovery Chronicles Ep. 170 - Tricia · Recovery Chronicles

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Recovery Chronicles, where we dive deep into
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: the inspiring journeys of individuals who have triumphed over adversity
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: and found whole healing and resilience on the path to
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: recovery from drunks and alcohol. We'll sit down with people
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: who have embrace changed and emerge stronger than ever. Get
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: ready to be uplifted, motivated, and empowered as we embark
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: on a journey of healing, growth and possibilities. Thank you
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: for joining us again on the Recovery Chronicles. Today we
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: have Trisha here to share her story with us, So
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: thank you for being here today.
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: Thank you for asking me.
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: So, just to start out, how long have you been sober?
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: I had thirteen years on June twenty seventh of this year.
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: Wow, that's amazing. What was your drug of choice?
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: How we say more? Okay, so there was nothing specific? Amphetamines, alcohol, marijuana.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: Okay, I've heard that before, Polly something first disorder. What
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: was it like growing up in your home? What was
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: your childhood like?
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: You know, I actually had a I'm quote unquote normal childhood.
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: I grew up in Glendai, Montana Boo, just a small town.
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: I was there for eighteen years. Mom and dad. Dad
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: was master electrician, worked full time, you know, up early
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: in the morning and home around five, five thirty, who
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: was very active and very you know involved. A lot
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: of my memories have to do childhood memories with the family,
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: going for family bike rides and boat rides and all
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: those things. Did you have siblings, Yeah, I have. I'm
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: the oldest of two. I have a brother and a sister.
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: Sister and brother are both. My brother's the youngest, and
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: my sister is the middle. Okay, and then my mom
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: and they were married, and you know, they had their troubles,
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: but I don't there was like no abuse, no neglect.
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: My mom, however, did have significant mental health disorders, okay
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: that I remember.
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: Talk a little bit more about that, like what kind
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: of mental health disorders?
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: So she was diagnosed with by borderline personality disorder. I
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: don't remember what age I was. My mom was in
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: and out of mental institutions. I think the youngest that
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: I could remember would have been maybe elementary school, like
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: fifth sixth grade. That she would leave and go to
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: inpatient psych for a month or a significant period of time.
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: It would you.
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: Notice her maybe mental health declining or her You didn't
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: really notice as a kid, you just noticed she was gone.
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: Yep. I remember there was a lot of crying, sure,
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: lots of crying, but my mom was really always reading books,
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: like trying to get help. So we were, you know,
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: she was with mental health counselors. Unfortunately, the mental health
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: system at that time was pretty bad. It's grown and
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: gotten better, but you know, small town Glendive, Montana, you
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: don't really have much for mental health providers. So she
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: would be in a town seventy five miles away. Oh sure,
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: sometimes doing counseling and things like that. Most of my
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: memories of my mom as a kid are positive and good.
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: Like she didn't like to be at home because she
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: was afraid if she was home that I don't know,
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: she just didn't like to be at home. So we
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: were busy a lot. You know. We would go we
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: have a state park in Glendives. We would go to
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: the state park a lot. She'd hate. She would we'd
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: go be with friends, we'd be involved at the church.
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: So we were constantly on the go. And I think
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: that that was one of her ways of coping, was
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: just to be active and busy, and she seemed to
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: do better around people and and all those things. But
• 3:59
  Speaker 2: there is definitely a piece of like abandonment that I
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: developed from. Some of that from just like where I
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: didn't know where my mom was.
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: I was gonna ask that, like when your mom went
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: into these institutions. You already mentioned dad worked, you know,
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: a full time plus job, So where you kids were
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: just left alone or what did that look like?
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so grandma and grandpa would come over when by
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: that time, and we would be in school, so they
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: would get us to and from school. I never remember
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: her being gone during a time where it was like
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: in the summer. It would be during school. And that's
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: interesting that you say that, because you have to think
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: about it. I'm like, Nope, we were never left alone.
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: Like when she would be gone to the institution, my
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: grandma and grandpa would come over. But like you know,
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: there would be times where she was supposed to pick
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: me up from school and didn't show up, and then
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: someone else would come to get me, like, oh, Grandma
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: and grandp were coming to get you or something like that.
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: Was it talked about or was it just kind of
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: like like maybe you knew what you know, something was off,
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: but was there conversation of like mom is here, okay, yep,
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: so that's.
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: Good, yep. It was never hidden. It was never like,
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: you know, we don't talk about this and we don't
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: share definitely, and it wasn't. She'd have really good periods
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: and then like just disappear, not disappear literally, but like
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: go to these places for a month and then come
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: back and be pretty good. She hid it very well.
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: She was very high functioning, you know, I mean, raised
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: three kids, was a substitute teacher, got her EMT license,
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: and worked on the ambulance. But she could just never
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: stay consistent with anything sure, and any sort of stress
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: would just or over the edge. She was adopted and
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: tried to find her mom and couldn't find her or
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: found her, and then she wouldn't meet her. So rejection, right,
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: like you know some of that. So but yeah, I
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: mean it, I firmly believe it doesn't make me an alcoholic.
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: Right right, Yeah, there's like that didn't contribute correct. Yeah,
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: So where when did you're using start? Let's kind of
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: get into that.
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: So it's funny because I was older sophomore maybe, which
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: is I mean not like sixteen seventy fifteen sixteen, right
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: around in that area. Yeah, for sure, I was like
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: the poster child for DARE. Do you remember the yep
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: Dare program? So that was one of my like childhood
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: memories as a kid, was loving DARE. When I was
• 6:49
  Speaker 2: in fifth grade, the police officer picked five people or
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: three people to write an essay, and because I was
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: one of his favorites, he picked me. So I got
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: to write this, you know, cute little paragraph on how
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: drugs were bad and how I would never do any
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: of those things. In eighth grader, remember we made a
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: pack that because they were starting to experiment, my friends were,
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: and you know, we just made this dumb little pack
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: where I was like, well, you guys can do it,
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: but I'm never gonna do it, you know. And like
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: I fully had every intention of never drinking or using drugs,
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: and I wasn't interested. Boys were more of my interests,
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: sure at that point. And something just changed and it
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: was more along the lines of being around people. You know,
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: where I was your pressure type in that situation, Well
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: he was. The boys were drinking, okay, and so then
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: of course I wanted to fit in or look cool
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: and never drank to the point of intoxication that I
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: can remember until maybe I was gosh, I don't even
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: remember seventeen maybe sure, But in time I obtained several
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: miners in consumption. Okay, but we called them MIP.
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: So you weren't good at getting away with it.
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: No, it's terrible. They're like blow over a point oh
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: to one and you're gonna get a minor in consumption.
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: And it was like a point oh two two or
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: a point you know, it was just like barely over.
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: And it seemed like every single time that I drank,
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: I got in trouble and there wasn't anything that clicked
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: in my brain of like, hey, maybe you shouldn't do
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: this right, like maybe this isn't a good idea. And
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: the first time I got intoxicated again, it was like
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: around the situation where there my like the crush of
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: my life from like kindergarten on was there and I
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: wasn't you know, I just didn't feel like I fit
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: into my skin. I just didn't feel like I could communicate.
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: I was I felt awkward, and I believe that's probably
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: the way a lot of people feel, you know, at
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: that age. But I didn't want to feel that way.
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: And just started, like, you know, just drinking excessively and
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: remember getting really really sick. And there was never a
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: thought in my mind after that situation happened of like
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: I never want to do that again. Yeah, you know,
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: it was just like interesting.
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: Yeah, when you were intoxicated, though, was there a feeling
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: of I'm comfortable in my skin?
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: Which no, Like you hear these amazing, amazing alcoholics tell
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: their story and they're like the first drink that I had,
• 9:33
  Speaker 2: like life came together and the colors were vivid, and
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: you know, I just felt like I fit into my
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: own skin. I was hugging the toilet on the cold
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: floor sick. Every single time that I was any remotely
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: over that point, you know, intoxicated, it was terrible. I
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: was horrible drunk and it didn't matter.
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: It was just yeah, so because the boys were doing
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: it usually okay, yeah, yep, yeah. I mean was there
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: a thought or like a feeling of like, oh, if
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: I go to this party and I don't drink, like
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: I won't be invited or I'm not cool.
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: Or nope, no, nope, there wasn't any There was no
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: inciti oh yeah, oh yeah, just impulsive sure, and the
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: excitement you know, I really like the stimulation, the excitement.
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: I think there was some justification of like socializing, Like
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: I'm just social and I just like to be around
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: people that are having fun, and these are the people,
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: these are my people. And I thought that like the
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: people that went and played board games on Saturday night
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: were boring, you know, they're not cool? Yeah yeah, and
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: so I had to be like and there was the seniors,
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: you know, so there was the older kids, and we
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: were so cool. Oh my gosh. It was just so
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: exciting to be accepted and to have that sense of belonging.
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: That that's what drove me. And it was like the
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: drinking but was but second to all of that. But
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: there still was like, you know, why not just be
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: there and not drink? But that didn't occur to me.
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: So where did it go from there? Because you said
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: you're a poly substance user, so I'm going to assume
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: you weren't just with the drinking.
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah, not until later, a lot later. I was a
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: freshman in college and in a really go to college,
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: Mary University of Mary, yep. So I moved here. I
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: was in pre med, Okay, and there was this few
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: scholarships that I had that would only do a four
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: year scholarship and pre med technically isn't four years. So
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: I had to do something that was undergraduate that would
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: I could move over into pre med. So it started
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: pre Med, and then into nursing because the nursing was
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: the four year, and to Bismarck because my dad wanted
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: me to attend a four year school and it was
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: like he was helping me fill out applications. If it
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: wasn't for my dad, I don't know. I was not
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: really motivated to go to college, although it was just
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: like that's what you do, and so I'll do it.
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: And school came fairly easy to me, so I didn't
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: think that would be an issue. But yeah, So I
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: came to the University of mary Fair undergraduate and it
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: was really really challenging being I didn't acclimate or adjust well.
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: I missed my dad, I missed my family, I missed
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: my home. I was pretty pretty depressed, but I don't
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: think I realized it. Everything was really overwhelming taking care
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: of myself, like doing my laundry. Imagine I realized my
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: mom did.
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah, my mom did to a different state.
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: Okay, Yeah, I missed my dad. I had worked out
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: all summer with my dad that summer, and my dad
• 12:57
  Speaker 2: and I are so close even just like get choked
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: up thinking about how much I miss him. Like it was.
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: It was tough, and I had a really really, really
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: really dysfunctional relationship. He was a few years older than me,
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: and he was an alcoholic, of course I didn't know that,
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: and he was working in South Dakota, so I spent
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: most of my time driving over to South Dakota to
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: be with him, and there was so much dysfunction there
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: and I was already recognizing it, but I couldn't, you know,
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: like process exactly what was happening. And so I'd come
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: home pretty depressed and missed school and not started really
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: not doing well in my classes. And he started, well,
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: he was probably messing around on me a lot before then,
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: but he started messing around on me. And we were
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: with one of his friends, and I was at that
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: point where I was starting to like become like suicidal,
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: where suicide was an option because I was so depressed,
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: so feeling some rejected because he didn't like me, and
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: it was like if I don't have him, my world
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: doesn't even exist. I can't breathe without him. He's my oxygen.
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: I mean, just completely infatuated. And we were with his
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: friend and his friend offered me marijuana, and he was
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: just like, here, try this, right, And at that point,
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: it was like not even a second thought, there was
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: no it was instantly reached for it. That's when I
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: had the experience. Sure, instantly I could breathe instantly, I
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: didn't care if he broke up with me. It was
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: like finally my give a poop factor.
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: Yep.
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: It was gone, all the caress gone.
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and you'd never encountered weed prior to that.
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: I think once when I was a senior at a
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: senior party after I had been drinking a couple and
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: I threw up all that.
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you've got bad. It's just because marijuana seems like
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: popular in high schools, you know. So it's just kind
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: of interesting to me that you didn't really encounter that
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: until you graduate.
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: After graduating, yep, and I was around it a slight bit,
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: but at that point in Glenn, I've it was still
• 15:21
  Speaker 2: pretty like non existent. Yeah, it wasn't popular and the
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: druggies were smoking pot.
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: So you used for the first time and it's a miracle, right, Yep.
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: So what happened after that?
• 15:39
  Speaker 2: It's off to the races from there. Sure, I mean,
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: it's just consistent. I probably became a daily user. I
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: don't even know the timeline. I would be lying if
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: I told you a number. But it was very very quickly.
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: Oh yeah, yep, it was instantly. I was doing everything
• 15:59
  Speaker 2: under the inflo pretty quickly. Sure, and it became habitual.
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: Sure. And so you were still going to college, still
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: doing all of that. Yep, did you graduate?
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: I did, but not not right away and not on
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: a normal path. Sure, there was so gosh, my drinking
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: also progressed in that time period. So it was, you know,
• 16:26
  Speaker 2: like one or the other. For the most part, I
• 16:29
  Speaker 2: learned pretty quickly not to mix it. I couldn't. And
• 16:33
  Speaker 2: then I got into a job at Applebee's as a
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: surfer and got exposed to a lot more there. Yeah,
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: and that'll happen in the yeah, and the and like
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: you know, when we were studying, the idea was well,
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: if you study drunk, you need to take your exam drunk.
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: Yep.
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: That philosophy, unfortunately, was very effective, and drinking was very accepted.
• 16:57
  Speaker 2: You know, it's it's just something that everybody, well, you
• 17:01
  Speaker 2: think everybody did, but it was very common.
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: Which also surprises me a little bit on a Catholic campus.
• 17:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but everywhere you have four Catholics, you have a fifth, right, Oh.
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: Never heard that good one?
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah. And it wasn't like a dry or it
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: was a dry campus, so there wasn't a lot of
• 17:20
  Speaker 2: drinking on campus. Yeah, but yeah, but that was yeah,
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: that was and we were by then, I was in
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: the nursing program where we were out of like more
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: on Butler Center and not on campus anymore. Sure, I
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: think I was living. I moved off campus after the
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: first year. Okay, sure, but yeah. So there was both
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: of those things and both of them. And I mean,
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: you know, when you smoke enough marijuana, you lose a
• 17:46
  Speaker 2: lot of motivation and you just don't, you know, to
• 17:50
  Speaker 2: get to the point where it's can't really smoke anymore,
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: and then you get introduced to this other thing. And
• 17:58
  Speaker 2: that was again that that experience of why why have
• 18:03
  Speaker 2: you not showed me this sooner? You know? And it
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: was great because it was like, oh my gosh, it
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: doesn't smell, you know, because I'm always anxious about wreaking
• 18:11
  Speaker 2: like marijuana, and I'm ingesting this substance, and all of
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: a sudden, like the assignments that I've been procrastinating on,
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: I'm ready to do them, and I'm feeling, you know,
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: full of life and happy. And I had kind of
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: fallen back into that, like you know more yeah, correct,
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: and this comes along and it's just again like you know, wow,
• 18:33
  Speaker 2: this is amazing, this is awesome. Not sustainable financially or physically.
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: Are you referring to cocaine. Oh, cocaine, yeah, okay, yeah.
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: So yes, more expensive, Yeah for sure.
• 18:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah, a lot more expensive. And that's where that's where
• 18:49
  Speaker 2: things really went south. I I was not able. I
• 18:55
  Speaker 2: had been passing everything in nursing, and I was in
• 18:59
  Speaker 2: my fourth year of undergrad ready to graduate. And I
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: went to take my final and I had been what
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: I thought truly I was completely delusional. What I thought
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: was studying all weekend and I was really just And
• 19:18
  Speaker 2: I went to take the exam and again it was like,
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: well this has worked before with alcohol, right, and I
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: have what's left, so let's finish it and go take
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: this exam. And I bombed it. Oh no, yeah, And I,
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: like I said, I had been passing everything. I had
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: a passing grade in the class, but they said since
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: I didn't pass that exam, that I wasn't going to
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: pass that class. If I didn't pass that class, I
• 19:42
  Speaker 2: didn't graduate.
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: Oh no, so what did you do?
• 19:46
  Speaker 2: I was not devastated. And they were surprised. Really, you
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: would think, right, yeah, but I was so high. Yeah,
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: and they were They're like, we would think that you
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: would be a little bit more emotional about this, you know.
• 20:01
  Speaker 2: And all I'm thinking is where where can I get
• 20:04
  Speaker 2: what's left?
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: Sure?
• 20:05
  Speaker 2: And so after that it was like no reason for
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: me to be in Bismarck because that semester didn't wasn't
• 20:12
  Speaker 2: offered again until January of next year. Okay, So I
• 20:16
  Speaker 2: came back to Glendive, moved back in with my parents
• 20:21
  Speaker 2: and worked. See no, that's oh man, they's so they
• 20:27
  Speaker 2: were enablers. There was That was where there was really
• 20:31
  Speaker 2: not much discussion.
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: Okay, just didn't talk about it. No, no, you're just
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: here and yeah.
• 20:39
  Speaker 2: I don't remember. There was not many lectures. There was
• 20:42
  Speaker 2: not many. It was just like, okay, well, move on,
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: come here and get a job at the hospital and
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: go back to school in January and get it done.
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: And so I messed around in Glendive, and you know,
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: there's not much of that in Glendive at all. Then
• 21:00
  Speaker 2: of course went back to drinking, but I was pretty
• 21:03
  Speaker 2: busy with school or now school with work, and I
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: was living at home and so it wasn't much and
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: it was frankly boring. So I found, you know, there
• 21:14
  Speaker 2: was some relationships that you know, some of that My
• 21:17
  Speaker 2: mom had had an accident and she was prescribed pain
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: pills and so she was handing me some pain pills
• 21:27
  Speaker 2: here and there, but it was like nothing. I mean,
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: of course I wasn't I was abusing them, right because
• 21:33
  Speaker 2: I wasn't prescribed them. And good question. Okay, yeah, really
• 21:39
  Speaker 2: good questions.
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: Again, no conversation.
• 21:41
  Speaker 2: No, I don't even know if like maybe I said
• 21:43
  Speaker 2: like I had a headache or something and she just
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: naively was like, here, this helps me, it will help you.
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: And I really was a naive user of that stuff
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: at first, like you know, and I took it, and
• 21:53
  Speaker 2: I again had that effect like this is great, this
• 21:56
  Speaker 2: is wonderful. And it wasn't anything that I like tried
• 22:02
  Speaker 2: to seek outside of I mean, she had not like
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: an unending supply, but it was enough random here and there.
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: Yeap, How old are you at this point?
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: See, I would have been probably like twenty let's see
• 22:18
  Speaker 2: twenty two, twenty three, okay, maybe twenty four at the time,
• 22:24
  Speaker 2: and then came back and really just focused on finishing
• 22:30
  Speaker 2: school and retook that whole semester my gosh, yep. And
• 22:37
  Speaker 2: you know my solution was, well, I should probably just
• 22:40
  Speaker 2: drink and focus not use anything. Yeah, yep. And that
• 22:44
  Speaker 2: again was really accepted because we would work twelve our
• 22:46
  Speaker 2: shifts at the ICU and get off and go to
• 22:48
  Speaker 2: the bar, right, and everybody did that and that was fine,
• 22:51
  Speaker 2: and it was like, fine, I can I can handle
• 22:53
  Speaker 2: you know, I can do this. I saw that that
• 22:55
  Speaker 2: was probably an issue and I probably shouldn't do that,
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: and so got away from from that for the most
• 23:02
  Speaker 2: or for the whole thing, for all of it until
• 23:06
  Speaker 2: did you pass? I graduate? Yes, I did. Yeah. My
• 23:11
  Speaker 2: family took my because I had a gosh by then,
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: he would have been five or six at the time,
• 23:18
  Speaker 2: maybe son, So he stayed in Handa and my parents
• 23:22
  Speaker 2: took care of him so I could come back.
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: Well, you've skipped out a whole big part.
• 23:27
  Speaker 2: I know, that's not even part of my using. Yeah,
• 23:29
  Speaker 2: I was, so I had my son at twenty.
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: Okay, yep, while you were in Mary yep, okay, yep.
• 23:38
  Speaker 2: So I did the whole school thing with him. He
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: came to school with me sometimes and took him to
• 23:44
  Speaker 2: day care, all of that. But and then, yeah, they
• 23:48
  Speaker 2: watched him when I went back to school, and I
• 23:51
  Speaker 2: finished that up and then moved him with me. I
• 23:54
  Speaker 2: got a place and moved him in with me. Got
• 23:57
  Speaker 2: a job again at Applebee's, the that I could serve
• 24:01
  Speaker 2: in the interim of between graduating and getting a job
• 24:08
  Speaker 2: in nursing.
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: Sure, so did you graduate with like an r N LPN.
• 24:12
  Speaker 2: RN okay, Bachelors and Science of Nursing. And then was
• 24:16
  Speaker 2: working at Applebee's and an old friend came into the
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: picture introduced me, Yeah, introduced me to something that he said,
• 24:23
  Speaker 2: you know, was better than cocaine, which was of course, methaphetamines.
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: And I didn't even ask questions. It wasn't even like no,
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: or you know, it was just like.
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: Is this going to ruin my life?
• 24:36
  Speaker 2: Nah? Yeah, no, no thing, yep. And that again, like
• 24:42
  Speaker 2: it's just when I start, it's off to the races.
• 24:47
  Speaker 2: This is the best thing that's ever happened. I had
• 24:48
  Speaker 2: tried it once before and hated it, which is so
• 24:51
  Speaker 2: interesting to me. But this time it was different, and
• 24:55
  Speaker 2: there wasn't a long scent of it because of I
• 25:01
  Speaker 2: don't know the grace of God. Just if that doesn't
• 25:04
  Speaker 2: happen to other people doesn't mean grace doesn't exist for them.
• 25:06
  Speaker 2: But I couldn't get it. I absolutely couldn't get it.
• 25:10
  Speaker 2: And the person that I was getting it from that
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: had introduced me to it would would not give give
• 25:14
  Speaker 2: me any and financially it wasn't there, and I didn't
• 25:18
  Speaker 2: know enough to do anything else, and so you know,
• 25:22
  Speaker 2: there there was just so much dysfunction because now I'm
• 25:25
  Speaker 2: an addict without a fix, right, which was worse. And
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: then lots of like irritability anger. Got into a situation
• 25:39
  Speaker 2: where someone had my son. It was my ex, that
• 25:44
  Speaker 2: guy that I had a bad relationship with, Yep, it
• 25:48
  Speaker 2: was his dad, and he was with a girl and
• 25:51
  Speaker 2: he was going to work and I was late and
• 25:52
  Speaker 2: I was supposed to pick up my son and he said,
• 25:55
  Speaker 2: if you're late, don't even worry about it, and she'll
• 25:57
  Speaker 2: watch him. And I was like, oh, heck no, she won't.
• 25:59
  Speaker 2: That's my son, I'll watch him.
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 26:01
  Speaker 2: I've been providing him primary care for years and it's
• 26:06
  Speaker 2: frowned upon the kick doors in.
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: Oh is it?
• 26:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah? Oh shoot yes, so stark graves over, I'm now
• 26:13
  Speaker 2: in trouble and I've just graduated from nursing or burglary okay, yep,
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: because I burglared the door, So yeah, right, I know
• 26:23
  Speaker 2: that's what I thought too. I was like, but I
• 26:25
  Speaker 2: didn't steal anything, but I entered intending to commit a crime. Sure, okay,
• 26:29
  Speaker 2: So you know other than mips, never been in trouble,
• 26:34
  Speaker 2: never nothing, you know, no duys, no charges, no possessions,
• 26:39
  Speaker 2: no ingestions, nothing.
• 26:41
  Speaker 1: Is it a felony or no felony? Wow?
• 26:44
  Speaker 2: Yep, yep, it was a felony.
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: And how old are you at this point?
• 26:49
  Speaker 2: Twenty six maybe twenty five something like that? Boy, if
• 26:57
  Speaker 2: you know, you would think that that would be rock bottom, right, Like, well,
• 27:01
  Speaker 2: because can you do nursing with that's all? I was
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: told I couldn't, Okay m hm. And that's you know,
• 27:07
  Speaker 2: like we can get in. I hope to get into
• 27:09
  Speaker 2: some of that because that's the more important part, is
• 27:11
  Speaker 2: the beauty of recovering. Right, But no, they told me
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: I would never be a nurse. I had just graduated
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: from nursing and had felony, and they're like, you know,
• 27:21
  Speaker 2: a suspended imposition, like if you do probation, do you
• 27:25
  Speaker 2: do the things, then we will give you a suspended
• 27:29
  Speaker 2: imposition and it won't it will go off your record. Well,
• 27:32
  Speaker 2: in the process of all of that going through, I
• 27:35
  Speaker 2: got more charges. It was just awful. That was the worst.
• 27:40
  Speaker 2: Two thousand and nine was like the worst summer of
• 27:42
  Speaker 2: my entire life because it was just like when is
• 27:45
  Speaker 2: enough going to be enough? When are you done?
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: I mean, did you have a thought at any point
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: of like what am I doing?
• 27:50
  Speaker 2: No? Okay, No, I had no thoughts. I was just
• 27:54
  Speaker 2: going off of emotions. Sure, how I feel fear looking
• 27:58
  Speaker 2: for relief. I'm you know, at this point addicted to relief.
• 28:02
  Speaker 2: Where can I get it? And if it's from anger,
• 28:05
  Speaker 2: if it's from stealing, if it's from drugs, if it's
• 28:07
  Speaker 2: from whatever.
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: I just insight into how like emotionally dysregulated this Oh no, okay.
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: No, no nuts whenever. I'm just looking to feel better,
• 28:18
  Speaker 2: and I like completely powerless. I can't, I can't and
• 28:25
  Speaker 2: and and I get drugs or an issue, right, but
• 28:29
  Speaker 2: like the ism, like the behavior the alcohol ism, like
• 28:32
  Speaker 2: why can't I stop doing this behavior? And why there
• 28:35
  Speaker 2: was there was none of that. And somewhere along the way,
• 28:41
  Speaker 2: I don't remember how it happened, but I got hooked
• 28:43
  Speaker 2: up with a girl from Voke Rehab okay, and she
• 28:48
  Speaker 2: was trying to help me with some of this stuff
• 28:50
  Speaker 2: and maybe through case management, I don't know. And she
• 28:53
  Speaker 2: was like, you have a four year decree. What are
• 28:57
  Speaker 2: you doing working at Pizza Hut because that one time
• 28:59
  Speaker 2: I couldn't get a Pizza Hut. Pizza Hut was like, yeah, you.
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: Got kind of a record charges.
• 29:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, you're risky. Yeah, that was that was an
• 29:09
  Speaker 2: interesting time. And she was just like what are you doing?
• 29:12
  Speaker 2: And I was like, why can't be a nurse? You know,
• 29:15
  Speaker 2: look at this? And she was like, well, who says?
• 29:18
  Speaker 2: And I was like, I don't know. So she encouraged
• 29:21
  Speaker 2: me to write a letter to the Board of Nursing
• 29:23
  Speaker 2: and requests that I take this, but request that i'd
• 29:29
  Speaker 2: be able to take the exam or request that something
• 29:31
  Speaker 2: happens because I have this four year degree and to see.
• 29:35
  Speaker 2: So I did that and the Board of Nursing responded with, well,
• 29:39
  Speaker 2: why don't you take the exam the boards and if
• 29:43
  Speaker 2: you pass, then we'll go from there. So I have
• 29:46
  Speaker 2: been out of school now for maybe a year and
• 29:50
  Speaker 2: a half, two years. I think something along those lines,
• 29:53
  Speaker 2: and they're like, well, you know, sure do wanted to
• 29:56
  Speaker 2: take the exam, won't go from there. I took the
• 29:58
  Speaker 2: exam and I passed, and I think they're like, well, crap,
• 30:02
  Speaker 2: now we're going to do it right, like that's what happened.
• 30:06
  Speaker 2: Now I have to come up with a plan. And
• 30:08
  Speaker 2: the plan saved my life. It was the work Impairment
• 30:11
  Speaker 2: program and I had to call every single day and
• 30:18
  Speaker 2: if they said my color, then I would have to
• 30:20
  Speaker 2: go provide a year and sample sure, and I'd have
• 30:22
  Speaker 2: to pay for that year and sample. And they tested
• 30:24
  Speaker 2: for everything, so I had to be careful of like
• 30:26
  Speaker 2: anything like alcohol sanitizer, hand sanitizer, anything that contained alcohol
• 30:33
  Speaker 2: in it, and I would be immediately kicked off. And
• 30:36
  Speaker 2: so right like then the rational thing would be like,
• 30:40
  Speaker 2: don't drink, right, But I don't have a solution and
• 30:42
  Speaker 2: I can't just not drink. And if I'm just not drinking,
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: I'm wrestles that I'm irritable and I'm discontent and I
• 30:48
  Speaker 2: can't stand you, and I'm homicidal and I'm suicidal, right,
• 30:51
  Speaker 2: somebody's got to go, you or me. And so I'm like, well,
• 30:55
  Speaker 2: if I drink on Friday, then I can pass my
• 30:59
  Speaker 2: uas the rest of the week.
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: Yep.
• 31:01
  Speaker 2: So I'm like a weekend warrior on Friday and I'm rational. Oh,
• 31:05
  Speaker 2: which is terrible, like to have to rash, to have
• 31:09
  Speaker 2: to stop once I've started. You know, I don't know
• 31:12
  Speaker 2: how I even did that, but the nursing was motivating
• 31:17
  Speaker 2: enough for me to be like okay. And then there
• 31:21
  Speaker 2: was a job. I applied for a C and a
• 31:26
  Speaker 2: job and they did a UA, and so of course
• 31:29
  Speaker 2: I did things to pass that UA, but it was negative.
• 31:35
  Speaker 2: But then after that that the smoking quit just stopped.
• 31:41
  Speaker 2: But I was also doing the UAS, so there was
• 31:44
  Speaker 2: that in conjunction with that. So for two and a
• 31:46
  Speaker 2: half years, I called every single day Monday through Friday.
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: It really held on.
• 31:51
  Speaker 2: Huh yeah, yep. It was supposed to be two years.
• 31:54
  Speaker 2: I agreed to two years, but because the board didn't
• 31:56
  Speaker 2: meet when I was done with the two years, I
• 31:59
  Speaker 2: had to continue. So I a part of this work
• 32:02
  Speaker 2: impairment program was the UAS. I had to get a
• 32:06
  Speaker 2: sponsor because they I had a piece of paper that
• 32:09
  Speaker 2: my sponsor had to sign. I had to get a
• 32:14
  Speaker 2: I had to get a sponsor, I had to go
• 32:16
  Speaker 2: to meetings. I was continuing on probation because I was
• 32:19
  Speaker 2: still on probation for all of that. So there was
• 32:21
  Speaker 2: all these things that were keeping me along those other lines, right,
• 32:27
  Speaker 2: and this this idea of being.
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: So you actually did it?
• 32:30
  Speaker 2: I did, okay, yeah, because.
• 32:33
  Speaker 1: I mean people cheat that stuff too.
• 32:35
  Speaker 2: Yeah, No, nope, I actually did. I wasn't smart enough
• 32:40
  Speaker 2: to cheat it, okay, I mean the pills right, like
• 32:44
  Speaker 2: for that piece of it. But then I wouldn't have
• 32:46
  Speaker 2: even thought like, oh, you could do it every single time.
• 32:50
  Speaker 2: I was so scared. Yeah, I took it. I was
• 32:53
  Speaker 2: scared to death to not pass it. Sure, and I
• 32:56
  Speaker 2: took that, Like I say, I took it seriously, but
• 32:58
  Speaker 2: I didn't at first. What really happened was I was
• 33:01
  Speaker 2: forced to go into this program of recovery, and I
• 33:06
  Speaker 2: was very nonchalant about it. For several months, probably six months.
• 33:11
  Speaker 2: I would be sober and then relapse, like on alcohol
• 33:16
  Speaker 2: or mainly alcohol, yeah, and one time it was marijuana.
• 33:20
  Speaker 2: But I would be sober and then I would randomly
• 33:22
  Speaker 2: have a drink. Like, at this point, I don't want
• 33:26
  Speaker 2: a drink. When I drink, I'm drinking against my will.
• 33:30
  Speaker 2: I'm completely powerless. I haven't necessarily totally lost the power
• 33:33
  Speaker 2: of choice. Like if I take a drink, you know,
• 33:36
  Speaker 2: I don't know where I'm going to end up. Well,
• 33:38
  Speaker 2: I'm still thinking I'm in control because I can have
• 33:41
  Speaker 2: a couple and be done. I didn't want to play
• 33:44
  Speaker 2: with that at much, but the uas were there, so
• 33:47
  Speaker 2: that was kind of stopping me. And again, like I
• 33:51
  Speaker 2: lost the power of choice. And I'm going to these
• 33:53
  Speaker 2: meetings and I'm picking people to be my sponsor. You know,
• 33:57
  Speaker 2: you'll be my sponsor, and I'll tell you how to work.
• 33:59
  Speaker 2: I'll tell you how I gonna work my program. Yeah right,
• 34:01
  Speaker 2: that works really good. Yeah, And I don't understand why
• 34:04
  Speaker 2: that never happened.
• 34:05
  Speaker 1: Is the only one who's ever done that? Yeah?
• 34:06
  Speaker 2: Right? And I'm like why I don't understand why I
• 34:09
  Speaker 2: keep drinking. I went home in the summer June of whatever,
• 34:15
  Speaker 2: twenty eleven, twenty eleven, and my house completely raked a
• 34:19
  Speaker 2: marijuana because my brother smoked and I had been white
• 34:22
  Speaker 2: knuckling it for six months, seven months maybe even longer,
• 34:25
  Speaker 2: to be honest, and I really didn't want to use.
• 34:31
  Speaker 2: And the whole weekend it was just just don't use,
• 34:33
  Speaker 2: just don't use, just don't use. And at the end
• 34:36
  Speaker 2: of the weekend, I went downstairs because I just was like,
• 34:38
  Speaker 2: I'm going to use the downstairs bathroom and I could
• 34:42
  Speaker 2: have used the upstairs one. And I just happened to
• 34:44
  Speaker 2: open the cupboard right like all the stuff you tell yourself,
• 34:46
  Speaker 2: and it was there and I had to use it
• 34:49
  Speaker 2: because it was there right right, yeah, And it was awful.
• 34:53
  Speaker 2: They talk about like this incomprehensible demoralization that happens throughout
• 34:58
  Speaker 2: the path of your recovery or throughout the path if
• 35:00
  Speaker 2: you're using, you know, it just takes pieces of your soul.
• 35:04
  Speaker 2: And I feel like that was the bottom piece. Like externally,
• 35:08
  Speaker 2: my life was awful, you know, I had had this
• 35:12
  Speaker 2: degree that I couldn't do. I couldn't manage my emotions,
• 35:16
  Speaker 2: couldn't even get hired at Pizza Hut. Like externally, my
• 35:20
  Speaker 2: life looked terrible, but internally I was still holding on. Internally,
• 35:25
  Speaker 2: there was no connection that these two things were the cause.
• 35:28
  Speaker 2: And I had that moment where my head and my
• 35:33
  Speaker 2: heart connected, and I was. I sat on the couch
• 35:37
  Speaker 2: and had a panic attack and I was just like admitted,
• 35:41
  Speaker 2: like that admission to my most internal self was I
• 35:45
  Speaker 2: want to do this. I want to be sober and
• 35:48
  Speaker 2: I can't and crap, I know who to call. Shoot.
• 35:54
  Speaker 2: There was this girl and she talked so much in meetings.
• 36:00
  Speaker 2: She drove me nuts. She never shut up. And my
• 36:03
  Speaker 2: friend was her sponsor, and she was like, you got
• 36:05
  Speaker 2: to get this girls my sponsor. You gotta get this
• 36:07
  Speaker 2: girl's my sponsor. And I was like, absolutely not. She's
• 36:09
  Speaker 2: going to make me like do the steps. And so
• 36:12
  Speaker 2: then of course I called. I tried to call my
• 36:14
  Speaker 2: first sponsor and she wouldn't answer, and I was I
• 36:17
  Speaker 2: felt abandoned, lost, and so I called her and she
• 36:20
  Speaker 2: answered as she always does, and kind of told her
• 36:23
  Speaker 2: what was going on, and and said, you know, like
• 36:25
  Speaker 2: will you be my sponsor? And she was like, well, okay,
• 36:29
  Speaker 2: but you need to meet me weekly. You need to
• 36:31
  Speaker 2: be at my place at this time, this day, once
• 36:34
  Speaker 2: a week. And that was a tall order for me.
• 36:36
  Speaker 2: I was like on time, same place, once a week, commitment.
• 36:41
  Speaker 2: I'm not really sure about that.
• 36:42
  Speaker 1: I have to do it your way, not my way.
• 36:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, right, And I was just like miserable on
• 36:47
  Speaker 2: the couch like five seconds ago. But I kind of
• 36:49
  Speaker 2: maybe I don't really, maybe it wasn't as bad as
• 36:51
  Speaker 2: I thought, but he did it anyway. And she shared
• 36:55
  Speaker 2: her experience with this program, this twelve step program, and
• 36:59
  Speaker 2: we talked about the powerlessness. How you know, I have
• 37:03
  Speaker 2: the power over not taking that first drink. I have
• 37:06
  Speaker 2: the power over not using that first one, but after that,
• 37:08
  Speaker 2: I lose the power. Right. But then the problem is
• 37:11
  Speaker 2: is I have this obsession, right, like the physical craving
• 37:15
  Speaker 2: is gone once I'm no longer ingesting the substance, so
• 37:18
  Speaker 2: I'm no longer suffering from the physical craving. I have
• 37:21
  Speaker 2: this obsession and when I put it down, I can't
• 37:24
  Speaker 2: stop thinking about it. It's all I think about, you know.
• 37:27
  Speaker 2: And I'm walking around like just not drinking, just not drinking.
• 37:30
  Speaker 2: And then I have this like spiritual malady where I'm
• 37:32
  Speaker 2: restless and I'm irritable and I'm discontent and that doesn't
• 37:36
  Speaker 2: go away, and my nerves are you know, I'm crawling
• 37:38
  Speaker 2: out of my skin until I have that first drink,
• 37:41
  Speaker 2: And like, how do I fix that? Right? Because this
• 37:43
  Speaker 2: is the stuff I've been dealing with all along from
• 37:45
  Speaker 2: the very beginning where I just felt like I didn't belong,
• 37:48
  Speaker 2: where I felt like I was different or not loved
• 37:52
  Speaker 2: or not special. You know, there's just some of those
• 37:54
  Speaker 2: things that aligned when I used and I was present
• 37:59
  Speaker 2: right like I took that first substance and I was like, oh,
• 38:04
  Speaker 2: here I am. You know I can do this. I
• 38:06
  Speaker 2: can be okay that self talk. And so she taught me,
• 38:10
  Speaker 2: you know, about the step and about the powerlessness and
• 38:12
  Speaker 2: about the physical, the mental, and the spiritual. And then
• 38:16
  Speaker 2: we went on and you know, we talked about like
• 38:18
  Speaker 2: higher power and God. And I didn't think I had
• 38:20
  Speaker 2: a problem with God. I thought that, you know, I
• 38:22
  Speaker 2: was raised in the church and I'm totally spiritual. But
• 38:26
  Speaker 2: God's up here and I'm down here. And at a
• 38:28
  Speaker 2: very young age, I had an experience where I was told,
• 38:33
  Speaker 2: just pray about it. God will fix it. God, you know,
• 38:36
  Speaker 2: all you got to do is pray, and all you
• 38:37
  Speaker 2: got to do is ask, and if you pray, and
• 38:39
  Speaker 2: if you ask, it'll be okay. Well, I was trying
• 38:41
  Speaker 2: to build this stupid little birdhouse and I was praying
• 38:45
  Speaker 2: and I was asking and he wasn't helping.
• 38:48
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so at.
• 38:49
  Speaker 2: That moment, I decided that there was a God, but
• 38:52
  Speaker 2: he didn't love me enough to help me, and I'll
• 38:55
  Speaker 2: do it my way. And so there was a lot
• 38:58
  Speaker 2: of like coming to this understanding of you know, whatever
• 39:00
  Speaker 2: power you want to call it, like I had been
• 39:02
  Speaker 2: giving my life over to the power of a god,
• 39:05
  Speaker 2: whether it be men, whether it be attention, whether it
• 39:07
  Speaker 2: be drugs, money, whatever, you know, that was my God.
• 39:11
  Speaker 2: And how was I going to rearrange my life, my
• 39:15
  Speaker 2: thinking to this higher power in a way that it
• 39:20
  Speaker 2: looked like my actions reflected that he's running the show
• 39:22
  Speaker 2: and not me. And it just took like hitting my
• 39:26
  Speaker 2: knees in the morning. You know, there was just little things, right,
• 39:30
  Speaker 2: You just start small, because when you are on a
• 39:33
  Speaker 2: different course, you just adjust your directions, you know, a
• 39:38
  Speaker 2: fifth of a degree, and maybe in a couple of
• 39:41
  Speaker 2: days it doesn't look like I'm going anywhere else. But
• 39:44
  Speaker 2: in a year, if I adjust my course just five
• 39:46
  Speaker 2: degree difference, I'm in a totally different place. So I
• 39:49
  Speaker 2: start saying my prayers on my I prayer on my
• 39:52
  Speaker 2: knees in the morning, and I remember being so I
• 39:55
  Speaker 2: get to work as a nurse, and I'm working at
• 39:57
  Speaker 2: a long term care facility, and you know, I haven't
• 40:00
  Speaker 2: said my prayers and I'm at work and everything's just
• 40:04
  Speaker 2: hitting me, and it's it's, you know, like the epitome
• 40:07
  Speaker 2: of my disease is selfishness and self centeredness, and I'm
• 40:10
  Speaker 2: always worried about what I'm losing or what I'm not
• 40:12
  Speaker 2: getting right, and so it's all about me, how I'm looking,
• 40:15
  Speaker 2: you know, what you're looking at, what you're not doing
• 40:17
  Speaker 2: to me, or what you're going to do for me.
• 40:19
  Speaker 2: And so I get there and I'm taking that all
• 40:21
  Speaker 2: on and I'm like, just a minute, I have to
• 40:24
  Speaker 2: go pray. So I like go in the room or
• 40:28
  Speaker 2: like the back room the office behind me, and I
• 40:30
  Speaker 2: say my prayers and I come out. And it was
• 40:32
  Speaker 2: just like little moments like that where I was just
• 40:34
  Speaker 2: starting to turn my will and my life over to
• 40:37
  Speaker 2: the care of this God as I was trying to
• 40:40
  Speaker 2: understand him. And we went through resentments and how I
• 40:46
  Speaker 2: resented my mom right like she was the first one
• 40:48
  Speaker 2: on my list. Couldn't stand my mom. It was her
• 40:50
  Speaker 2: fault that I felt abandoned, and it was her fault
• 40:53
  Speaker 2: that that I was where I was. It wasn't necessarily
• 40:57
  Speaker 2: her fault that I was an alcoholic, but I her
• 41:00
  Speaker 2: for her mental health, for her disease. And we looked
• 41:04
  Speaker 2: at how I was a sick person just like she
• 41:07
  Speaker 2: was right, and how if I was in her position,
• 41:10
  Speaker 2: which I am, wouldn't I want acceptance? Wouldn't I want forgiveness?
• 41:15
  Speaker 2: You know? As a mother, don't I do that absolute
• 41:19
  Speaker 2: best that I can? And I learned that I judge people.
• 41:23
  Speaker 2: I judge myself by my intentions and not my actions,
• 41:27
  Speaker 2: but I judge you by your actions and not your intentions.
• 41:30
  Speaker 2: So like, if you do something bad to me but
• 41:32
  Speaker 2: you didn't mean it, it's not okay.
• 41:34
  Speaker 1: You did something bad.
• 41:35
  Speaker 2: But if I do something bad to you and I
• 41:37
  Speaker 2: didn't mean it, it's different, right because it's my intention.
• 41:40
  Speaker 2: But I judge your actions. Yeah, And I judge my
• 41:42
  Speaker 2: mom on her actions and not her intentions. And she
• 41:44
  Speaker 2: had every intention to be the best mother possible. And
• 41:47
  Speaker 2: I started to focus on the good things. She gave
• 41:49
  Speaker 2: me her faith, she gave me her heart, she gave
• 41:53
  Speaker 2: me so many things. And it's a work in progress,
• 41:56
  Speaker 2: you know. I always thought, like when I get there,
• 41:58
  Speaker 2: like I'll be this loving, grateful daughter that shows up
• 42:02
  Speaker 2: for her mom. And and every single day it's an
• 42:05
  Speaker 2: intentional like I get to be her daughter and I
• 42:09
  Speaker 2: get to show up for her. And she's still sick
• 42:11
  Speaker 2: and she still struggles, and as my amends to her,
• 42:14
  Speaker 2: I focus on how I'm showing up one little story.
• 42:18
  Speaker 2: So she forgot my birthday. And it's my birthday, right,
• 42:21
  Speaker 2: It's very important, and I have like we have like
• 42:24
  Speaker 2: birthday years, right, hell yeah, it's all about me. And
• 42:28
  Speaker 2: she forgot she forgot my birthday. And I was absolutely
• 42:33
  Speaker 2: appalled and so angry. And I'm on the phone with
• 42:36
  Speaker 2: my sponsor and I'm like, she forgot my birthday and
• 42:38
  Speaker 2: I can't believe her, and but a terrible mom and
• 42:41
  Speaker 2: all the things. And my sponsor said, you know exactly, well, geez,
• 42:44
  Speaker 2: you wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her. This
• 42:48
  Speaker 2: day wouldn't exist if it wasn't for her. And I
• 42:50
  Speaker 2: think you need to bring her flowers and you need
• 42:52
  Speaker 2: to tell her thank you for this day. And I
• 42:54
  Speaker 2: was like, are you kidding me? I, oh, oh my god.
• 43:00
  Speaker 2: I did not want to do it. I thought it
• 43:01
  Speaker 2: was the stupidest thing she'd ever imagine. She should be
• 43:05
  Speaker 2: called my mom telling my mom how terrible she is
• 43:07
  Speaker 2: and my mom should be bringing me for Yeah, but
• 43:10
  Speaker 2: like that's that's my life, that's that's my life of recovery.
• 43:14
  Speaker 2: You know. It doesn't look like just not drinking. It
• 43:16
  Speaker 2: looks like my perception of what's going on, and and
• 43:20
  Speaker 2: and a life lived, this way of life of how
• 43:23
  Speaker 2: can I serve? How can I be helpful so that
• 43:25
  Speaker 2: I can be free, Because it doesn't matter what you did.
• 43:29
  Speaker 2: I I continue to be me no matter what, regardless
• 43:33
  Speaker 2: of your actions, regardless of you know, what's going on
• 43:36
  Speaker 2: in your life. I dictate who I am. And so
• 43:39
  Speaker 2: I brought her flowers and told her thank you, and
• 43:42
  Speaker 2: I had to do it. I chose to do it acceptingly,
• 43:46
  Speaker 2: not begrudgingly. Yeah, because you know then it doesn't make
• 43:49
  Speaker 2: sense if I'm not going to do it with that purpose,
• 43:51
  Speaker 2: and why even do it aggressive? Correct? Yeah? Yeah? And
• 43:55
  Speaker 2: and you should have seen the look on her face.
• 43:58
  Speaker 2: And like that's the stuff that keeps me sober, like
• 44:02
  Speaker 2: doing those hard things and going through that motion of
• 44:05
  Speaker 2: something I absolutely didn't want to do, something I was
• 44:07
  Speaker 2: sure would be stupid, and then I have that moment
• 44:11
  Speaker 2: of freedom where I can actually have a moment of
• 44:13
  Speaker 2: clarity and see how much she's given up for me
• 44:16
  Speaker 2: in that moment, right to see what she did for me,
• 44:19
  Speaker 2: to see what she gave me, and then have that
• 44:22
  Speaker 2: surrender to that selfish and self centeredness. It was absolutely beautiful.
• 44:26
  Speaker 2: And you know, like in the program, I'm just like, well,
• 44:30
  Speaker 2: if I just quit drinking, I'll be fine, right, right,
• 44:32
  Speaker 2: But there's the whole other behavioral piece where it's like
• 44:37
  Speaker 2: my actions. Like you know, we talked about spiritual and
• 44:40
  Speaker 2: people sometimes they don't want to talk about God, but
• 44:41
  Speaker 2: it's not even about God. It's like, do you believe
• 44:44
  Speaker 2: that it's bad to lie? Yes, well, then why do
• 44:46
  Speaker 2: you lie? Right? That's the spiritual that we're talking about,
• 44:49
  Speaker 2: is that your actions line up with what you believe. Yeah,
• 44:52
  Speaker 2: and my whole life I believed a lot of things
• 44:54
  Speaker 2: and you would think that my action, you know, you
• 44:57
  Speaker 2: would think that I didn't because my actions look like
• 44:59
  Speaker 2: it was okay to lie, it was okay to steal.
• 45:01
  Speaker 2: You know, I'm not only still your money, I still
• 45:03
  Speaker 2: your integrity, I still your sense of well being because
• 45:06
  Speaker 2: you don't know where I am and I'm not telling
• 45:07
  Speaker 2: you what I'm doing. All those types of things, and
• 45:10
  Speaker 2: so you know, I got through all of those things
• 45:13
  Speaker 2: to see that I create exactly what I'm afraid of.
• 45:17
  Speaker 2: You know, I'm afraid of abandonment. I'm afraid of being alone.
• 45:21
  Speaker 2: And I put myself in situations where I am the
• 45:24
  Speaker 2: main character and I create those things. And so you know,
• 45:28
  Speaker 2: then we moved on into amends and I made financial
• 45:32
  Speaker 2: amends and I made face to face amends. And then
• 45:36
  Speaker 2: ten eleven and twelve, which is where my life is
• 45:41
  Speaker 2: always today is who am I helping? How can I serve?
• 45:45
  Speaker 2: And I live that way still to this day. My
• 45:50
  Speaker 2: sponsor is here from out of town, and right away
• 45:54
  Speaker 2: I fall back into that like my time, my house,
• 45:58
  Speaker 2: my everything, you know, right and and my God, this
• 46:01
  Speaker 2: woman has given up several things for me. But I
• 46:05
  Speaker 2: always have to be back immediately to how can I
• 46:09
  Speaker 2: be helpful? How can I serve? And thank you God?
• 46:12
  Speaker 2: And if I don't live that way, you know, I'm not.
• 46:17
  Speaker 2: I don't live in fear of relapsing. But I know
• 46:19
  Speaker 2: that if I don't do this program to the to
• 46:22
  Speaker 2: to my ability one hundred percent of the time, that
• 46:25
  Speaker 2: I one hundred percent guarantee will go back. But I
• 46:29
  Speaker 2: also know that I do if I do do it
• 46:31
  Speaker 2: one hundred percent to the best of my ability. I
• 46:34
  Speaker 2: can continue to live, happy, joice and free, right, and
• 46:37
  Speaker 2: that has been where it's at for me. You know,
• 46:39
  Speaker 2: like being of service, and I like to get away
• 46:42
  Speaker 2: with not being of service in recovery, you know, like
• 46:45
  Speaker 2: I like to show up and be of service at
• 46:47
  Speaker 2: work because I'm looking good, you know, how am I looking?
• 46:50
  Speaker 2: And I like to be of service in my family
• 46:52
  Speaker 2: because again it's it's how do I look? But where
• 46:56
  Speaker 2: it really changes is when I'm of service when I
• 46:59
  Speaker 2: don't want to be in recovery, like working with other
• 47:03
  Speaker 2: women and sponsoring them and taking them through the steps
• 47:06
  Speaker 2: because frankly, that's my time right And I found that
• 47:09
  Speaker 2: if I'm uncomfortable in that space of service, that I
• 47:13
  Speaker 2: am right where I need to be. And I'm less
• 47:16
  Speaker 2: focused on any you know, less focus on material less
• 47:20
  Speaker 2: focused on attention, less focus because I again, like you said,
• 47:23
  Speaker 2: what's your drug of choice? It's more and it can
• 47:26
  Speaker 2: be more attention, more money, yeah, more materials, more affirmations,
• 47:31
  Speaker 2: like anything. And I don't have to be ashamed because
• 47:34
  Speaker 2: that addiction drives me and can be addicted to good things.
• 47:39
  Speaker 2: I could be addicted to this recovery thing. Addicted to
• 47:45
  Speaker 2: you know, I'm trying to get this medical detoc center
• 47:48
  Speaker 2: up and running, and it's been a three and a
• 47:50
  Speaker 2: half year process, and it's like everyone tells me I
• 47:54
  Speaker 2: would have given up by now, and it's just like, well,
• 47:56
  Speaker 2: that's good luck, right, good luck getting me to give
• 47:59
  Speaker 2: up anything. And so that's that's really been the bright
• 48:04
  Speaker 2: spot of my life, is how can I serve and
• 48:07
  Speaker 2: how can I help? And I wouldn't have thought it
• 48:10
  Speaker 2: thirteen years ago, but I am so grateful, Yeah, so
• 48:13
  Speaker 2: grateful to be an alcoholic.
• 48:15
  Speaker 1: I think that's refreshing to hear too, because even if
• 48:18
  Speaker 1: you aren't a person per se and recovery, right, or
• 48:21
  Speaker 1: maybe who's not had like substance use issues, I just
• 48:24
  Speaker 1: think like us as human beings should follow those principles anyway, right,
• 48:29
  Speaker 1: Like I mean, even if it's a like I'm uncomfortable
• 48:34
  Speaker 1: giving back at the end of the day, like a
• 48:36
  Speaker 1: weight is lifted, right, there's not all that pressure because
• 48:39
  Speaker 1: we're not caring about me all the time, right, Like
• 48:42
  Speaker 1: that's a lot of pressure to think about just me
• 48:44
  Speaker 1: all the time.
• 48:44
  Speaker 2: But I'm so good at it.
• 48:46
  Speaker 1: Well I was gonna say we all are, but maybe
• 48:49
  Speaker 1: it's just me too. Maybe I can just relate to you.
• 48:51
  Speaker 2: While it's like the human condition.
• 48:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, and so I'm like, I like that
• 48:57
  Speaker 1: a lot. Yeah, I'm excited to continue to see your
• 49:02
  Speaker 1: journey and how things progress. And I appreciate your time
• 49:05
  Speaker 1: today and sharing with us.
• 49:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah, thank you for asking me. Thank you, y