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Book Club: The Pretty One · Stuff Mom Never Told You

0:05
Speaker 1: Hey, this is any and Samantha and welcome to Stephane
0:07
Speaker 1: Never Told You production of I Heart Radio. It's time
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Speaker 1: for another book club, and today we're discussing Kid Brown's
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Speaker 1: The Pretty One on life, pop culture, disability, and other
0:27
Speaker 1: reasons to fall in love with Me. Key Brown is
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Speaker 1: a disability activist and is also behind the viral hashtag
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Speaker 1: disabled and Cute. The book is a series of essays
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Speaker 1: on various topics ranging from chairs to jealousy, to ponytails,
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Speaker 1: to music too, friendships to love, all through the lens
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Speaker 1: of a black woman with a disability. And she's very
0:45
Speaker 1: very open about her anxiety, depression, disordered eating, suicidal thoughts
0:50
Speaker 1: and that being said, because that's kind of a laundry
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Speaker 1: list of like upsetting topics at the end that I
0:54
Speaker 1: put in there. But it is immediately delightful, like I
0:57
Speaker 1: was drawn in from like the forward. Oh, this sounds
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Speaker 1: like a really fun person who's just right and interesting
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Speaker 1: and lovely and delightful. She opens up about her love
1:11
Speaker 1: of pop culture, of music and TV and books. That's
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Speaker 1: something that returns throughout, which is also something that we
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Speaker 1: can relate to. The whole book is brimming with pop
1:22
Speaker 1: culture references, some of which we'll be talking about later. Yeah,
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Speaker 1: it's often very infectiously joyous. It's this book definitely does
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Speaker 1: not shy away from difficult topics at all. But I
1:33
Speaker 1: just found myself just kind of feeling this bubbling happiness
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Speaker 1: a lot while I was reading it. Right, I just
1:40
Speaker 1: love her honesty and all of it, as well as
1:43
Speaker 1: the fact that she does do a lot of the
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Speaker 1: pop culture reference so that I know very well. Like
1:48
Speaker 1: she immediately talked about Cinderella Brandy's Generella, and I was
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Speaker 1: so excited. I'm like, yes, I get what you're coming from.
1:55
Speaker 1: This is the Cinderella as it should be. And absolutely
2:00
Speaker 1: feel like, yes, these are the reasons she lists, and
2:04
Speaker 1: just her personality alone that comes off of the book.
2:06
Speaker 1: Reasons to fall in love with her and can we
2:08
Speaker 1: be friends? I want to be your friend, but it's
2:12
Speaker 1: okay because you've got lots of friends. But just go
2:15
Speaker 1: ahead and start off with a quote from the book.
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Speaker 1: I never thought anyone would want to hear what I
2:20
Speaker 1: had to say until I started telling stories and talking
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Speaker 1: about the things and people that matter to me. The
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Speaker 1: truth is this, I've always felt average playing and wrong,
2:30
Speaker 1: but there's nothing average, plain or wrong about me, And
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Speaker 1: it took me only half my life so far to
2:36
Speaker 1: figure that out. I wrote an entire book and you
2:39
Speaker 1: are getting up to read it. How cool? Is that?
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Speaker 1: So cool? Sometimes it is beautiful to prove yourself wrong.
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Speaker 1: Love that, Yeah, And that captus so much of what
2:50
Speaker 1: this book is. And I do legitimately feel like that
2:55
Speaker 1: is beautiful. And I think a lot of us, especially
2:58
Speaker 1: anybody from any type of marginalized and you can relate
3:00
Speaker 1: to that feeling of like I don't have anything interesting
3:03
Speaker 1: to say, or I'm just average, or I'm just playing
3:05
Speaker 1: or what what have you? And when you unlearned that
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Speaker 1: and start to see the good things in you, which
3:13
Speaker 1: is really difficult work and can be exhausting, I think
3:18
Speaker 1: that's really powerful. And that is at the heart of
3:22
Speaker 1: a lot of this book. And speaking of like when
3:26
Speaker 1: it comes to themes, one of the main ones is
3:29
Speaker 1: this theme of self acceptance and Kia Brown finding this
3:33
Speaker 1: self acceptance, the road, walks along the way, the obstacles,
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Speaker 1: and then the beauty of it, like all the things
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Speaker 1: she's discovered about herself that she loves. And I think
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Speaker 1: that's that's really it's nice too, It's refreshing as someone
3:50
Speaker 1: who's been thinking a lot, and I bet a lot
3:52
Speaker 1: of us have. My negative self talk is off the chain,
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Speaker 1: like sometimes I'll be shocked that I would even think
4:00
Speaker 1: that about myself, Like WHOA and I know for a
4:05
Speaker 1: while growing up, and we've talked about this in past
4:08
Speaker 1: book clubs. Actually, for women, a lot of what we
4:11
Speaker 1: would hold off as a loud of ble or this
4:14
Speaker 1: is a good trait is like selflessness or being humble
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Speaker 1: and all these things. I thought it was really refreshing
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Speaker 1: to hear someone be like, you know what, I love
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Speaker 1: this about myself and this is about myself. There was
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Speaker 1: no part of me that was like she's bragging, I
4:28
Speaker 1: wish she was top. It was just like nice, It
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Speaker 1: was nice and it was genuine. I think it's one
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Speaker 1: of those things that's rare that you hear so many
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Speaker 1: people trying to convince themselves that's how they feel, and
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Speaker 1: over to the point that it's over compensating to uh,
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Speaker 1: this is weird, this is not I'm not sure I
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Speaker 1: usually believe this. And she's gotten to a point which
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Speaker 1: most people never get to and being able to really
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Speaker 1: be genuinely say this is what I'm proud of, and
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Speaker 1: this is who I am, and it's still I've still
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Speaker 1: got a lot to learn, but this is what I
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Speaker 1: do know that I love about myself, and and that's
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Speaker 1: a beautiful, refreshing thing to see as well as a
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Speaker 1: place where for the longest time she feared herself. And
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Speaker 1: she even talks about it in aspects of different people's
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Speaker 1: perspective as and like she's talking about her sister learning
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Speaker 1: that for herself as well. And I found that really
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Speaker 1: nice to see, like she does spread that beyond because
5:19
Speaker 1: as we're gonna talk about later, her relationship with her
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Speaker 1: sister is complicated, Yeah, but beautiful and and not so uncommon.
5:26
Speaker 1: I found that very interesting as well. Yeah, so here's
5:30
Speaker 1: another quote. My point is that I do all these
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Speaker 1: things in a disabled body, not because I am brave
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Speaker 1: are bold, but because I like doing them and I
5:37
Speaker 1: would love doing them in anybody. I adapt to the
5:39
Speaker 1: world because I have to do so in order to live.
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Speaker 1: My disability is three will palsy, and it affects the
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Speaker 1: right side of my body, effectively altering my motor skills
5:48
Speaker 1: and reaction time, as well as the strength of my
5:50
Speaker 1: bones on that side. I don't do things in spite
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Speaker 1: of anything except for maybe the people who told me
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Speaker 1: I'd be nothing in No One. I don't mind being
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Speaker 1: an inspiration if it is for a aalid reason, such
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Speaker 1: as admiring how many slices of pizza I ate, an
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Speaker 1: essay or an article I wrote, my clothing choices, or
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Speaker 1: how quickly I can learn the lyrics to a song.
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Speaker 1: As long as the inspiration doesn't come with pity or
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Speaker 1: self congratulatorie pats on the back, I am all for it.
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Speaker 1: Let my love of cheesecake inspire you the way it
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Speaker 1: will one day inspire a nation. Look, car lipstick game
6:20
Speaker 1: is on point, ce are on Twitter or whenever she
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Speaker 1: posts the pictures, I'm like, yeah, that color is amazing.
6:27
Speaker 1: How did you find this color and give me it? Yes?
6:31
Speaker 1: And I think this, all of this was so so
6:36
Speaker 1: well written, because we're going to talk about uh in
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Speaker 1: a minute. Able is m and how that's impacted like
6:43
Speaker 1: all of us. But in this case Kia Brown and
6:46
Speaker 1: having people kind of using you for inspiration porn right,
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Speaker 1: And I feel like that is something that we see
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Speaker 1: a lot in entertainment, and we see it a lot
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Speaker 1: more for philanthropy. They want to say they're giving, and
7:06
Speaker 1: so their videotaping themselves giving money to the home, other
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Speaker 1: videotaping themselves during these things. That is to me the
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Speaker 1: most irksome thing that I think I've seen in a
7:16
Speaker 1: long time, and really having people going and God, bless you,
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Speaker 1: you did such a great thing you're doing. You're such
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Speaker 1: an amazing person for recognizing this, and it's kind of
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Speaker 1: gross to that. Yeah, you are absolutely dismissing that other
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Speaker 1: person as it as a dog needing to be rescued.
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Speaker 1: Like there's this whole level of inhumane tactics that get
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Speaker 1: mistaken for philanthropy, and I don't quite get it. It
7:42
Speaker 1: makes me really uncomfortable. Again, maybe it's just been in
7:45
Speaker 1: the world where people who are going through things like
7:48
Speaker 1: this often don't realize that is seen as a negative thing.
7:53
Speaker 1: So kind of that same round of like this has
7:55
Speaker 1: been my life. Why are you pitying me? This is
7:58
Speaker 1: weird as well as to them it is a barrier,
8:01
Speaker 1: but it's not a barrier something that's just a part
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Speaker 1: of who they are. And why are you commenting on it,
8:07
Speaker 1: and why are you feeling sorry for me? And or
8:09
Speaker 1: why are you brating me for it? It's kind of
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Speaker 1: this again, like I don't quite get it, but I mean,
8:15
Speaker 1: and she doesn't talk about that level, but that's that
8:18
Speaker 1: level of like that pity. Same thing with like the
8:20
Speaker 1: healing and the regular which I know we're gonna talk
8:24
Speaker 1: about more, and the religious aspect of it all. It's
8:28
Speaker 1: really like unfortunate that that's one more added thing that
8:32
Speaker 1: whether if you truly believe they're hurdles so that people
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Speaker 1: are having to do that you do not have to,
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Speaker 1: that's amazing. Why are you making it more difficult by
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Speaker 1: bringing this onslaught of randomness and attention that they don't
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Speaker 1: necessarily want nore need. I know, people feel really comfortable
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Speaker 1: approaching others about especially in this case like disability, but
8:56
Speaker 1: also I mean we've talked about before with weight like people. Yeah,
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Speaker 1: I feel like it can just come up and and
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Speaker 1: give people advice or just like to say they need
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Speaker 1: to be saved and that they're doing something that's going
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Speaker 1: to be heroic, and you're kind of just like, that's
9:13
Speaker 1: not my whole concept of white savior thing, and this
9:17
Speaker 1: is kind of this is not necessarily about race at all,
9:19
Speaker 1: but in general just that overall I have to rescue them,
9:24
Speaker 1: but they don't think they need to be rescued. So
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Speaker 1: what are you doing? What is it's called if you're
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Speaker 1: doing it to gratify your own conscience or and or
9:32
Speaker 1: your own ego. Right, But yeah, I really am glad
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Speaker 1: to say she actually addresses that in such a great way.
9:39
Speaker 1: But moving on to a different quote, my disability is
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Speaker 1: not a thing to see past, but instead of them,
9:45
Speaker 1: to acknowledge and except before able bodied people and I
9:48
Speaker 1: continue existing at the same time in this world. I
9:52
Speaker 1: have both physical and invisible disabilities, and I refuse to
9:55
Speaker 1: be ashamed of them because they are beautiful in their
9:57
Speaker 1: uniqueness and their familiarity their mind. But they also belonged
10:01
Speaker 1: to a world of others, and that makes them worthy
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Speaker 1: of my appreciation and acceptance. And yeah, I think she
10:07
Speaker 1: does a great job in talking about both of those
10:10
Speaker 1: things because she also wants to acknowledge invisible disability, which
10:14
Speaker 1: has been a thing for a long time and not
10:16
Speaker 1: recognized enough to the point that we've seen people harass
10:20
Speaker 1: people for parking in handicapped blocks because they don't see
10:24
Speaker 1: a physical disability. And you're like, oh, you don't know
10:27
Speaker 1: what's going on. Calm down, this is not about you. Yeah,
10:31
Speaker 1: And you can see past episode Eaves did on Spindy
10:35
Speaker 1: before Female First she came out and talked about invisible disabilities.
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Speaker 1: It was great. It was really eye opening for me
10:41
Speaker 1: and I was like, oh, wait, visible because yeah, we
10:48
Speaker 1: don't talk about it enough, and I think this is
10:51
Speaker 1: another thing that we do I have. I guess I
10:58
Speaker 1: won't speak for a lot of people, but I haven't
11:00
Speaker 1: analyzed from media. I've consumed a lot of like feeling
11:04
Speaker 1: ashamed of your body if it's not if it doesn't
11:07
Speaker 1: work in the quote normal way and whatever way that is.
11:10
Speaker 1: And it's only recently I remember I told you, like,
11:14
Speaker 1: I have these kind of runners bumps on my feet
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Speaker 1: and I used to hate them and I thought they
11:20
Speaker 1: were so ugly. And now I'm like, you know what,
11:22
Speaker 1: that's a part of me and it is something that
11:25
Speaker 1: I earned. Like I don't know, it's not the same
11:29
Speaker 1: as what what she's talking about exactly, but kind of
11:32
Speaker 1: taking those things where you people might perceive them one way,
11:37
Speaker 1: but learning to appreciate them and they are a piece
11:39
Speaker 1: of of what makes you you and what makes you unique.
11:57
Speaker 1: So she also writes this quote, I love um. I
12:01
Speaker 1: am a black woman with cerebral palsy who loves herself
12:03
Speaker 1: and most days that feels like a revolutionary act. It
12:06
Speaker 1: took a lot of work to get to this place,
12:07
Speaker 1: a fountain of tears, grief and loss, but I'm here
12:10
Speaker 1: and it's beautiful. And I want to include that one
12:13
Speaker 1: because I think we've talked about that before where Bridget
12:17
Speaker 1: used the phrase once. I've never heard anyone use it,
12:19
Speaker 1: but like radical self love and and like we were
12:23
Speaker 1: talking about, it can be so difficult to to love yourself,
12:27
Speaker 1: especially outside of like the white cis male when they're
12:33
Speaker 1: just like factors, all these intersecting factors against you, against you,
12:37
Speaker 1: and heavy quotes in society of like society doesn't seem
12:41
Speaker 1: to love you or value you for whatever reason, and
12:46
Speaker 1: it that can be really difficult to to do that
12:49
Speaker 1: yourself in the face of that. So I just really again,
12:53
Speaker 1: I really appreciated that, and I do. I do think
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Speaker 1: that it's hard but beautiful. You can yeah, she goes
13:03
Speaker 1: under right. I refuse to be a reminder of someone's
13:05
Speaker 1: worst case scenario. Again, if you need me to be
13:07
Speaker 1: a reminder, I will be a reminder that things will
13:10
Speaker 1: get better. I will be a reminder that people like
13:12
Speaker 1: need exist and thrive, and that we aren't going anywhere
13:14
Speaker 1: long gun are the days of silence and complacency. I
13:17
Speaker 1: will see and be seen. I no longer care about
13:20
Speaker 1: the comfort of those who would rather be quiet or
13:23
Speaker 1: wait my turn for proper and positive representation in our
13:26
Speaker 1: culture and mainstream media disabled people or at once invisible
13:30
Speaker 1: and a burden. And yeah, I think she explains that
13:34
Speaker 1: and writes about that in her experience with people feeling
13:39
Speaker 1: uncomfortable and and feeling like like maybe that's the reason
13:44
Speaker 1: they come up and give you un solicited advice whoever,
13:47
Speaker 1: it is like their comfort is more important than you
13:50
Speaker 1: just being existing and being left alone, which is something
13:54
Speaker 1: that we do see. But at the same time kind
13:56
Speaker 1: of the yeah, being invisible in in a society that
14:04
Speaker 1: where you still fight for like access and a d A.
14:10
Speaker 1: And there were a lot of things she wrote about
14:13
Speaker 1: that I kind of we're eye opening for me of like, wow,
14:17
Speaker 1: I really do take that for granted, like doing my
14:21
Speaker 1: hair like in a ponytail, or not having to worry
14:25
Speaker 1: so much about a chair situation or write things like that.
14:30
Speaker 1: I just love the way she wrote about them, but
14:31
Speaker 1: it can be a good way to describe it, especially
14:36
Speaker 1: in what I've seen in media of like the invisible
14:38
Speaker 1: and a burden, right, which is not great, which actually
14:43
Speaker 1: had been a thing of controversy because recently an article
14:46
Speaker 1: was written in the perspective of the caregiver and about
14:49
Speaker 1: them not being paid. And although the article I think
14:53
Speaker 1: was implying that it needed help and more assistance and
14:57
Speaker 1: we should think about the caregivers as being professional and
15:00
Speaker 1: paying them as such, but it came off really ablest
15:03
Speaker 1: and dismissing the disabled partner and being like, Hey, you're
15:08
Speaker 1: really talking about us as if we're burdens and if
15:10
Speaker 1: we're not existing, you're acting as were infants. And it
15:13
Speaker 1: was really like, oh, yeah, this is really bad and
15:17
Speaker 1: something needs to change, because this is someone who thought
15:21
Speaker 1: she was helping but instead just came on with more
15:24
Speaker 1: ablest tone. And again, this is kind of that whole
15:27
Speaker 1: level of like, your this is the worst case scenario.
15:29
Speaker 1: This is where you're telling me I'm a burden and
15:31
Speaker 1: I've already felt like that my entire life. Thank you
15:35
Speaker 1: for once again again invalidating my existence when I have
15:39
Speaker 1: fought hard to get to this point. And yeah, I
15:42
Speaker 1: feel like there was so much like oh God, please
15:45
Speaker 1: stop doing this. We have to do better. As advocates
15:48
Speaker 1: and allies, we have to do better in keeping ourselves
15:50
Speaker 1: accountable and understanding the language that pity language is damaging
15:56
Speaker 1: in every damn way. And again, this whole heroism thing
15:59
Speaker 1: that I don't quite understand. I can't let go of it,
16:03
Speaker 1: and I'll probably especially when we talk about religion, can't
16:06
Speaker 1: get past this whole level of like this is my philanthropy.
16:10
Speaker 1: Pat me on the back. Look, I'm caring for someone
16:12
Speaker 1: who has disabled, Aren't I the bigger person? You're kind
16:14
Speaker 1: of like, no, what is wrong with you? This is gross? Like,
16:19
Speaker 1: don't do it. If this is your attitude, just please don't.
16:22
Speaker 1: I have a feeling that the individuals who are under
16:25
Speaker 1: your care would rather you be here because you love
16:27
Speaker 1: them and don't see them but as a burden than
16:30
Speaker 1: trying to create a narrative as if you were the hero. Yeah. Yeah,
16:34
Speaker 1: like using other people to make yourself feel better. It's
16:40
Speaker 1: a weird white Knight thing that assists. Yeah. But again,
16:44
Speaker 1: like this kind of reminded me of that of like
16:46
Speaker 1: this is what she's talking about and seeing as a burden,
16:49
Speaker 1: like we need to change. But yeah, as this is written,
16:53
Speaker 1: this is a couple of years ago, and I really
16:57
Speaker 1: hate that we're still here, like I think we've finally
17:00
Speaker 1: and maybe it's just because we are recognizing it because
17:03
Speaker 1: of what we do, but there are so many who
17:05
Speaker 1: continue to say the same. And by the way, some
17:07
Speaker 1: of the biggest advocates for disability for those who are
17:11
Speaker 1: disabled are disabled people, like they are the biggest and
17:13
Speaker 1: the loudest voices we should be listening, but have been
17:16
Speaker 1: doing the work to begin with. So let's not forget that. Yes, okay,
17:20
Speaker 1: done with rant. Oh I don't know about that, because true,
17:25
Speaker 1: it's not. It's not. We're moving into some discussion around
17:29
Speaker 1: able ism, some more discussion around able is M because
17:32
Speaker 1: you know, as I said, self acceptance is a lot
17:35
Speaker 1: of the heart of this book, But the flip side
17:38
Speaker 1: of that is the years of self hatred and all
17:43
Speaker 1: of the obstacles that were in the way for Kia
17:46
Speaker 1: Brown to arrive at this point. And it did take
17:50
Speaker 1: her several several years and a lot of hard work.
17:53
Speaker 1: And yeah, a big part of that was able is UM.
17:57
Speaker 1: Some of it internalized and she talked about in her family.
18:02
Speaker 1: I think she did a really good job talking about
18:04
Speaker 1: the pros and cons of this, but in her family
18:07
Speaker 1: they never really brought up her disability. It wasn't really
18:11
Speaker 1: a thing I wasn't really discussed. And when she was
18:16
Speaker 1: made fun of by a kid from school, um at
18:20
Speaker 1: a pretty young age, that was like her her first
18:23
Speaker 1: time of thinking, oh there's something heavy, quotes wrong, are
18:28
Speaker 1: different about me right, and that people are making fun
18:31
Speaker 1: of it. And I mean it wasn't funny, but I
18:35
Speaker 1: feel like we all do this. Where like she remembers
18:38
Speaker 1: that kid's name, I thought the same, yeah, And she
18:41
Speaker 1: was like, he probably never you know, it doesn't know
18:43
Speaker 1: my name, maybe never thinks about it. Maybe it's a
18:45
Speaker 1: great person now, but like this event was huge for
18:49
Speaker 1: me and I feel like I have kids like that
18:51
Speaker 1: from my fast too. I'm like, right, I can't forget
18:54
Speaker 1: your name. Yeah, thanks so and so you did this.
18:58
Speaker 1: It was a kind of fun shade like she also
19:00
Speaker 1: recognizes he was a child, perhaps he's changed, but she's
19:04
Speaker 1: not gonna let go of the fact that you are
19:05
Speaker 1: the reason that I started doubting myself and not understanding
19:09
Speaker 1: how it was different until you brought that point out. Yeah,
19:13
Speaker 1: she did. She did talk about the family dynamic, and
19:16
Speaker 1: I can understand to a certain degree of the installation,
19:20
Speaker 1: being told you fit in, you fit in, you fit
19:23
Speaker 1: in your part part of us, and and and being
19:25
Speaker 1: true because that's what I felt, and then going outside
19:27
Speaker 1: of that world realizing, no, this is not true, this
19:30
Speaker 1: is not true. I'm very much another and these strangers
19:34
Speaker 1: have pointed it out to me a lot, and there's
19:38
Speaker 1: nothing I can deny about that. And I wasn't prepared,
19:42
Speaker 1: But at the same time, I was loved because I
19:44
Speaker 1: was being so protected. It is that it is that
19:47
Speaker 1: variability that is both good and bad. And of course
19:51
Speaker 1: if I was a parent, I wouldn't know, I wouldn't
19:54
Speaker 1: know what to do, and I would want the same
19:56
Speaker 1: level of protection in that too, but that there is
20:01
Speaker 1: that pros and cons of it, all that being insulated.
20:04
Speaker 1: Of course, you know, she's able to say I had
20:07
Speaker 1: loving family who was there to do that for me.
20:10
Speaker 1: But the problem is when I came out of that
20:14
Speaker 1: and was faced with that, I did. I wasn't prepared
20:19
Speaker 1: to handle that at that point in time or or
20:21
Speaker 1: knew how to handle that completely. And yeah, there was
20:22
Speaker 1: a whole level Again, school is cruel and for those
20:27
Speaker 1: who are marginalized even more so. And she definitely talks
20:31
Speaker 1: about the privilege she did have because she had a
20:34
Speaker 1: supportive family, but the fact that she did not have
20:38
Speaker 1: that white privilege, she did not have the ablest privilege
20:40
Speaker 1: like all of those things. She didn't have the gender privilege.
20:43
Speaker 1: There are those things that was a shock and you
20:47
Speaker 1: have to work through. No one can really do it
20:51
Speaker 1: for you. And and that protection at least gives her,
20:56
Speaker 1: and it did for myself some level of ground to
21:00
Speaker 1: be like. But that's not the true that can't be
21:03
Speaker 1: right because of this. But yeah, that's that's the whole
21:07
Speaker 1: thing for sure. Um And she she also writes, it's
21:10
Speaker 1: something that I helped me because you and I have
21:11
Speaker 1: been struggling with this for a minute on this show
21:13
Speaker 1: in general. But she writes, I am a black disabled woman.
21:17
Speaker 1: I am not handy, capable, differently abled, special needs, or
21:20
Speaker 1: any other iteration of disabled that says anything but the
21:24
Speaker 1: word disabled. When I say as much, I'm speaking for
21:27
Speaker 1: myself and myself alone. My thoughts on the matter are
21:31
Speaker 1: not the case for every person with disabilities, because we
21:33
Speaker 1: are not monolithic. Some people like or use the terms above,
21:37
Speaker 1: but I do not. What I'm about to say might
21:40
Speaker 1: make some of you uncomfortable, but discomfort is imperative here.
21:45
Speaker 1: Discomfort has made a lot of things better in the
21:47
Speaker 1: long run. When I stopped caring about the comfort of
21:50
Speaker 1: abled bodied people with regard to language he used about
21:54
Speaker 1: my disability, I felt free for the first time in
21:57
Speaker 1: my life. You see, these other synonym for disability were
22:01
Speaker 1: created because the word disabled often makes able bodied people
22:05
Speaker 1: more uncomfortable than it makes those of us with disabilities.
22:09
Speaker 1: And I think that was huge because you and I
22:10
Speaker 1: have gone back and forth. Any Okay, we want to
22:14
Speaker 1: highlight and and and bring out especially whether women around
22:17
Speaker 1: the world who are strong advocates and fighters, and recognize
22:21
Speaker 1: these people who have done so many amazing things and
22:25
Speaker 1: making change, whether it's in the U n whether it's
22:27
Speaker 1: in the US, whether it's like I'm just in cultural altogether.
22:31
Speaker 1: And I think it's so important that we do talk
22:34
Speaker 1: about these things. But as able bodied people, we are very,
22:38
Speaker 1: very wary of the connotations of language and against She
22:45
Speaker 1: says this for herself, so disabled for her, it's fine,
22:50
Speaker 1: and we will absolutely recognize anyone who says otherwise and
22:53
Speaker 1: says please say this instead, then we would definitely recognize it.
22:58
Speaker 1: But it is you have to remember language is important
23:02
Speaker 1: and why it is, and again you have to also
23:05
Speaker 1: figure out for yourself why you are uncomfortable, and if
23:07
Speaker 1: you are the ally and not the disabled individual, don't
23:11
Speaker 1: just rely on yourself listen. We have to We have
23:14
Speaker 1: to listen. That's the other part to that. And I
23:16
Speaker 1: also love that she does talk about that for her
23:20
Speaker 1: when she hears people saying things like handy capable, it's
23:22
Speaker 1: typically those who are caretakers who say that right, and
23:26
Speaker 1: not the individuals, because again they are uncomfortable or they
23:31
Speaker 1: feel like it's a failure to say otherwise. So we
23:34
Speaker 1: have to recognize we need to talk to the source,
23:37
Speaker 1: research the source, make sure we understand they are coming from.
23:40
Speaker 1: Such a language in itself is so important. Yes, I
23:45
Speaker 1: love that to you because we have been discussing that
23:47
Speaker 1: and we never want to not talk about something because
23:50
Speaker 1: we're too afraid to like use the incorrect language, but
23:54
Speaker 1: we do want to get it right, and we wanted
23:55
Speaker 1: to not be offensive and be up to date. But
23:58
Speaker 1: I just really appreciated the this And I remember back
24:01
Speaker 1: when Eaves came on and we did that episode she
24:05
Speaker 1: was talking about, Yeah, there's you know, debate in the
24:07
Speaker 1: community about which term is is a better term? Or
24:10
Speaker 1: which way is better, and that debate is healthy and ongoing. Right, Yeah,
24:15
Speaker 1: so that that's good to know. I did like reading this.
24:19
Speaker 1: It does remind me of what we were talking about
24:21
Speaker 1: earlier of yeah, kind of the inspiration porn aspects, and
24:27
Speaker 1: we see this a lot where it is usually not
24:31
Speaker 1: the the community in question using the term, unless it's
24:36
Speaker 1: somebody trying to make money. But that's I'm thinking more
24:39
Speaker 1: widely of like when we had amandaged, she was talking
24:43
Speaker 1: about like entrepreneur. You know, these kind of words that
24:49
Speaker 1: are usually in this case used to sell something, right,
24:53
Speaker 1: I feel like there's also an aspect of that discomfort
24:58
Speaker 1: and trying to for the person using that term. And
25:01
Speaker 1: these are generalizations. Can't speak for everybody who uses handy
25:05
Speaker 1: capable for instance, but it feels like a lot of
25:08
Speaker 1: times it is someone who is has their own it's
25:16
Speaker 1: not internalized, but I mean no, like they feel they
25:19
Speaker 1: do think something is wrong, or like you are the
25:22
Speaker 1: worst case scenario and they're trying to like build you
25:25
Speaker 1: up like they think you're doing they're doing you a
25:28
Speaker 1: favor by using this terminology. Yeah, if I feel like
25:32
Speaker 1: we see similar conversations happening in a lot of communities.
25:35
Speaker 1: The language is very, very very important. So yeah, I
25:39
Speaker 1: was really happy that that was in there too. Here's
25:42
Speaker 1: another quote. But I didn't know earlier, but I'm grateful
25:45
Speaker 1: that I know now is that my cerebral quality is
25:47
Speaker 1: an integral part of who I am and how I
25:49
Speaker 1: navigate the world. And my refusal to acknowledge this I
25:52
Speaker 1: was nying the world and myself a glimpse of who
25:54
Speaker 1: I really am. All that time wasted hiding away when
25:58
Speaker 1: I could have embraced my girl CP and word disabled
26:01
Speaker 1: and found unapologetic happiness sooner. I was embarrassed disability, of
26:05
Speaker 1: being disabled and of other disabled people. I thought processes
26:08
Speaker 1: were that if able bodied people discussed my disability, then
26:11
Speaker 1: they would see me as inferior, and I already saw
26:14
Speaker 1: myself as inferior. I didn't want them to as well.
26:18
Speaker 1: I would rather have been ignored than pitied. But I
26:20
Speaker 1: was never ignored, not then or now. The only thing
26:23
Speaker 1: that has changed is the way I feel about myself.
26:26
Speaker 1: Pity was my greatest fear and my biggest foe, and
26:29
Speaker 1: now I can confidently say that I do not care
26:31
Speaker 1: about it because I know how I feel about myself
26:35
Speaker 1: and that accompasses a lot, and at one quote, but
26:38
Speaker 1: also in the book and the struggle with especially when
26:42
Speaker 1: she was younger, of feeling this self hatred and shame
26:46
Speaker 1: around it and just like wishing she didn't have cerebral palsy.
26:51
Speaker 1: And that's something else that she does that I love
26:53
Speaker 1: is she talks about cerebral palsy like it's a character,
26:55
Speaker 1: like a person, my girl CP, and she's open about
26:59
Speaker 1: like you know of some days she's a real bit
27:02
Speaker 1: and I hate her, like the's no reason for why
27:05
Speaker 1: this is happening. I can't figure it out. But you know,
27:08
Speaker 1: other times it's like, yeah, this is a part of
27:10
Speaker 1: me and it's it's made me who I am. And
27:13
Speaker 1: I think that's that was really nice too and really
27:16
Speaker 1: refreshing because it's it's like a relationship. It's like, you know,
27:20
Speaker 1: it changes some days, you got yours downs, your ebbs
27:23
Speaker 1: and flows, and I think we can say that from
27:26
Speaker 1: those things. And I questioned to like for myself, there's
27:29
Speaker 1: many things that I don't like, and growing up in
27:32
Speaker 1: all white communities, really hated being Asian, I really hated
27:35
Speaker 1: big brown, really hate my eyes, and even to this day,
27:39
Speaker 1: I don't necessarily love my identity, my ethnicity. Part of
27:43
Speaker 1: that is because I don't know it. Part of that
27:45
Speaker 1: is trying to discover that. But I think I'm in
27:47
Speaker 1: a healthier place because I don't necessarily love it, but
27:50
Speaker 1: I accept it, and I accept my differences and just
27:54
Speaker 1: encompassing that in my life. So there's definitely a whole
27:57
Speaker 1: process in acceptance and and moving on to love. And
28:01
Speaker 1: what that looks like for me is different, obviously, And
28:03
Speaker 1: this is a whole different level because obviously she has
28:08
Speaker 1: a lot of pain that I don't want, just literal
28:10
Speaker 1: physical pain that she has to deal with and and
28:12
Speaker 1: and face every day. But it is an interesting concept
28:16
Speaker 1: of what it is to fall in love with something
28:18
Speaker 1: that is a difference than what is deemed as normal,
28:22
Speaker 1: which whatever that is. And I've been kind of harping
28:40
Speaker 1: about it already and I'm ready to talk about it now.
28:44
Speaker 1: Is that whole idea of like unsolicited advice and this
28:48
Speaker 1: whole that whole thing like of cures, whether it's prayer, yeah,
28:55
Speaker 1: and your marathons trying to raise money and and not
28:58
Speaker 1: that we don't necessarily think cures are bad. I definitely don't,
29:02
Speaker 1: but I think there's a whole level of when you
29:05
Speaker 1: talk about cures, thinking about something as an enemy, and
29:08
Speaker 1: so those people who are dealing with that in their life,
29:11
Speaker 1: feeling that there's that means they are the enemy. So
29:14
Speaker 1: there's a whole lot of things. But here's another quote.
29:16
Speaker 1: A recent study found that a disabled person is killed
29:20
Speaker 1: once a week by a family member or other caregivers.
29:23
Speaker 1: There are fifty two weeks in a year, and a
29:26
Speaker 1: disabled human is murdered at least once every week, yet
29:30
Speaker 1: there's hardly any coverage or outrage about it. These stories
29:34
Speaker 1: are often framed in two ways. The killers just couldn't
29:38
Speaker 1: take it anymore, finding the caretaking too much for them
29:41
Speaker 1: to deal with, or they were just trying to set
29:44
Speaker 1: the disabled person free because their faith told them that
29:47
Speaker 1: their loved ones could be free of disability and death.
29:52
Speaker 1: And yeah, we have constantly seeing this whole narrative, and
29:58
Speaker 1: don't get me wrong, I think for those who again
30:02
Speaker 1: I kind of mentioned that story about the fact that
30:05
Speaker 1: caregivers were being highlighted as heroes and and seeing as
30:10
Speaker 1: the disabled member of the family member being the burden.
30:14
Speaker 1: But this whole level that it is a death sentence
30:19
Speaker 1: in itself, is so tragic in so many ways and
30:25
Speaker 1: I can't and we don't. We don't talk about this enough.
30:28
Speaker 1: We don't talk about this. We have talked about that,
30:32
Speaker 1: the fact that the statistics for abuse in those in
30:36
Speaker 1: the disabled communities are much higher, poverty level death rates, uh,
30:41
Speaker 1: sexual abuse, sexual violence is higher than the abled community.
30:46
Speaker 1: And we really have to keep mentioning this conversation because
30:50
Speaker 1: nobody protects them. And and this absolutely is a horror
30:53
Speaker 1: that the fact that there's no law that goes beyond
30:57
Speaker 1: the regular I guess uh state means and that you
31:00
Speaker 1: we already know it's hard to prove. There's so many
31:04
Speaker 1: ways like this, This type of crimes against humanities are
31:07
Speaker 1: really hard to prove, and it is a horrifying thing
31:10
Speaker 1: that we're not talking more of it. But yeah, also
31:15
Speaker 1: this weird narrative because it's in books, because it's in
31:18
Speaker 1: movies that the caretakers who do these things are heroes
31:22
Speaker 1: and had to choose because they're suffering. And it's like, no,
31:26
Speaker 1: if it's not a disabled person's choice to you know,
31:30
Speaker 1: say that they don't want you to revivee them or something. Yeah,
31:34
Speaker 1: that's not that's not what that's not what you're doing.
31:38
Speaker 1: And we've been talking a lot about entertainment. As we said,
31:41
Speaker 1: that is key throughout this book. We're gonna talk about
31:43
Speaker 1: it more in a little bit, but that's something I
31:46
Speaker 1: don't think we've ever We've touched on, like tangentially a lot,
31:50
Speaker 1: but I don't think we've ever directly discussed. But that's
31:53
Speaker 1: as you know, we love horror. I love horror movies,
31:55
Speaker 1: but that's a big problem in horror movies. I feel like,
31:58
Speaker 1: is someone with a disability, whether it's invisible or not,
32:02
Speaker 1: is in one way or the other the villain or
32:06
Speaker 1: something is wrong with them, or in some cases this
32:14
Speaker 1: kind of thing happens where somebody will kill the disabled
32:19
Speaker 1: person to start off the plot, which is not great either.
32:24
Speaker 1: That's like what we talked about when we're talking about
32:26
Speaker 1: fridging of women or the barrier gauge trope. It's the
32:29
Speaker 1: same kind of thing. But yeah, a lot of the
32:33
Speaker 1: when she was talking about in Your Team, there's a
32:34
Speaker 1: whole chapter kind of devoted to representation and entertainment. That's
32:38
Speaker 1: one of the things that kept coming back to me
32:40
Speaker 1: is like all of these examples I had she was
32:43
Speaker 1: she was good. She pointed out a lot of times,
32:45
Speaker 1: it's like sad usually white men hating themselves and wanting
32:49
Speaker 1: to be cured or yeah, the villain. But I have
32:53
Speaker 1: seen this. I've seen this plot line as well, for sure, right,
32:57
Speaker 1: And I think she also talks about that there's not
32:59
Speaker 1: enough represent nation within any any I don't know if
33:03
Speaker 1: there's I've seen one. Yeah, I think the only closest
33:07
Speaker 1: one that I have is that in Glee, not the
33:11
Speaker 1: guy Kevin, I think that's his name. I forgot to
33:14
Speaker 1: character his name. He's in a wheelchair, but he's not
33:16
Speaker 1: actually disabled because he has a whole scene dancing. But
33:19
Speaker 1: they bring on a love interest who is and she
33:22
Speaker 1: is actually disabled. But even then, and her character was
33:25
Speaker 1: fun because she got to be sassy and she got
33:27
Speaker 1: to be uh, pretty much the thing, and she was
33:31
Speaker 1: she was killing it with her style. But the whole
33:33
Speaker 1: level was like people pairing the two of them together
33:36
Speaker 1: since they are both in wheelchairs, and it's kind of like, Okay, see,
33:40
Speaker 1: you're doing it again, even though you brought finally brought
33:42
Speaker 1: someone on who can be a representative because they actually
33:45
Speaker 1: are in a wheelchair and are disabled, you're pairing him
33:49
Speaker 1: up with the one and that's the only plot line
33:51
Speaker 1: you're giving her. Why as where you have the other dude,
33:55
Speaker 1: Arnie I think it's his name. He is pretty much
33:59
Speaker 1: until towards the end of it, where he actually accepts
34:01
Speaker 1: it because of his parents, is trying to find a cure,
34:04
Speaker 1: and that's the whole point. That's the whole plot point,
34:07
Speaker 1: to the point that one of his girlfriends wishes it
34:09
Speaker 1: for Christmas and because he doesn't get it, she doesn't
34:11
Speaker 1: believe in Santa Claus. So like, it's just why that
34:15
Speaker 1: is very able us and we follow along with it thinking, oh,
34:19
Speaker 1: of course, this is what being disabled looks like, being
34:22
Speaker 1: sad all the time, and it's not. It's not that case.
34:26
Speaker 1: And Shamon was for thinking that, yeah, well, and and
34:29
Speaker 1: she she talks about that too, and it's like one
34:32
Speaker 1: of the other kind of frequent troops is um like
34:37
Speaker 1: the sad teenage movie where one of them has some
34:41
Speaker 1: illness or disability that will kill them in the end,
34:43
Speaker 1: or they decide that they would rather die than go on, right,
34:47
Speaker 1: which yeah, is I ain't know exactly how she's talking
34:52
Speaker 1: about this very common troop. And that's one of the
34:55
Speaker 1: reasons she wrote this book. And she was like, you know,
34:58
Speaker 1: we can have other things that tragedy it's not just stragedy,
35:02
Speaker 1: and that's sort of we talked about that vaguely and
35:04
Speaker 1: like a happy hour forever ago, where I was saying,
35:07
Speaker 1: you know, if that's the only representation you have, and
35:10
Speaker 1: you know those short tragedy and sadness exists in like
35:14
Speaker 1: any community. But if that's all you see, then that's
35:17
Speaker 1: not accurate. That's not great representation. So she goes on,
35:22
Speaker 1: there's another quote. Disabled people do not need strangers or
35:25
Speaker 1: people we do not know telling us how we should
35:27
Speaker 1: try to fix our change our bodies, when we never
35:29
Speaker 1: said we had a problem with our bodies in the
35:31
Speaker 1: first place. We are not problems. We are people who
35:34
Speaker 1: deserve the same rights to life, liberty, and in the
35:35
Speaker 1: pursuit of happiness is everyone else. The fight for changes
35:38
Speaker 1: not ours alone. We need to end the constant cure
35:41
Speaker 1: narratives ingrained and championed within our culture. We need to
35:44
Speaker 1: end at the just kidding you were never sick narratives.
35:47
Speaker 1: The death means freedom from disability narratives and the idea
35:50
Speaker 1: that if the body is not one able all of
35:52
Speaker 1: the time is to be pitied and dismissed while simultaneously
35:56
Speaker 1: being molded into something that can never be, which is great.
35:59
Speaker 1: There's so much there that, um she expounds upon and
36:03
Speaker 1: in the book. But like she she points out, she
36:06
Speaker 1: shouldn't have to. But yeah, like you can have a
36:09
Speaker 1: disability for a short time, um Like, so if you
36:12
Speaker 1: like break a leg or something, then suddenly that access
36:15
Speaker 1: will be very important to you. Right, And then it's
36:19
Speaker 1: not exactly the same thing. But when my dad was dying,
36:23
Speaker 1: I remember so many well meaning people, and I truly
36:25
Speaker 1: believe they were well meaning, but it did make them
36:27
Speaker 1: uncomfortable were talking someone who's dying and in pain. They
36:30
Speaker 1: would say things like, you know, basically kind of religious
36:34
Speaker 1: usually just pray, you know, things would get better. If
36:39
Speaker 1: you do good, you will get better. And it would
36:41
Speaker 1: just he would be so furious, like and he you know,
36:45
Speaker 1: people would come up and like I've read the other day,
36:47
Speaker 1: if you go to Mexico and they have X y
36:49
Speaker 1: Z there's this care for cancer, I kind of I
36:55
Speaker 1: get the knee jerk like impulse in this case. But
36:59
Speaker 1: your your son, like implying that this person who's dying
37:05
Speaker 1: didn't look into those things or either was just like
37:09
Speaker 1: you were the one that had the answer, right and
37:11
Speaker 1: good luck with that. This is the most imperiating. And
37:14
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna lie. One of the reasons I think
37:16
Speaker 1: I stopped being as religious as I was that that
37:20
Speaker 1: narrative in itself implied that God cared more for another
37:24
Speaker 1: than this one. So if you were cured, that makes
37:27
Speaker 1: Jesus really loved you. Um, if you're not cured, well
37:30
Speaker 1: that's Jesus's plan. That means you're probably going to hell,
37:33
Speaker 1: right And I think, which is not that they would
37:36
Speaker 1: never say that, but that's the implication to me, And
37:38
Speaker 1: I could not grasp that concept, And like, do you
37:42
Speaker 1: really think you're that important that somehow a deity of
37:48
Speaker 1: billions of people I thought you were special and therefore
37:52
Speaker 1: cured you. And not to dismiss those who may have
37:55
Speaker 1: gone through something they feel like it was a miracle, wonderful,
37:59
Speaker 1: But the act of the matter is that narrative does
38:02
Speaker 1: imply a hierarchy of those who are healed and those
38:05
Speaker 1: who are not, as well as those who are chosen
38:07
Speaker 1: and those who are not. And that woman who came
38:09
Speaker 1: up to her and said, I'm praying for a cure
38:11
Speaker 1: for you, and that's what I would said. She was
38:14
Speaker 1: much nicer and apparently in shock, but In my mind,
38:17
Speaker 1: I was like, how dare you come at me implying
38:21
Speaker 1: that God doesn't love me if something doesn't happen. How
38:23
Speaker 1: dare you, especially she who is a religious woman and
38:26
Speaker 1: has finally, as she says in the book, come to
38:28
Speaker 1: have one of the best relationships in a long time
38:32
Speaker 1: in her religious beliefs, how dare you imply because it's
38:35
Speaker 1: not your standard, that perhaps God doesn't love me. And
38:39
Speaker 1: she was a kid when this happened, by the way, yeah,
38:41
Speaker 1: she was a teenager. And I was like, that is
38:44
Speaker 1: that alone for me would have been enough to turn
38:46
Speaker 1: around and spit on somebody like I think I would
38:48
Speaker 1: have been ready because this narrative is damaging in so
38:52
Speaker 1: many ways, and you're damaging other people who truly needed
38:55
Speaker 1: Jesus or truly needed a deity, it truly needed a
38:58
Speaker 1: faith by implying if something doesn't happen, that something has
39:03
Speaker 1: gone wrong and you have done wrong, and that is
39:06
Speaker 1: probably obviously I feel very very strongly because I've seen
39:09
Speaker 1: that way too much. I've seen it in this industry.
39:11
Speaker 1: I've seen it in many industries where that is implied,
39:14
Speaker 1: especially in the US, for US, especially in the South,
39:18
Speaker 1: where that is an implication of prayer hills all and
39:22
Speaker 1: and then coming back with well, that's not God's plan
39:24
Speaker 1: to all these things, and like you can't have one
39:27
Speaker 1: or the other like that. Don't sit here and imply
39:29
Speaker 1: you know God's plan by doing these things. Yeah, and
39:33
Speaker 1: then tell me, oh, just playing that wasn't God's plan.
39:37
Speaker 1: So you're wrong, No need to say it's front. If
39:41
Speaker 1: you want to pray for someone, that's just kindness. That's
39:44
Speaker 1: great to do that. Do that on your own. You
39:46
Speaker 1: don't have to do this because that again puts those
39:52
Speaker 1: kind of connotations on someone else with expectations that may
39:56
Speaker 1: not be met. And how dare you you have killed
39:58
Speaker 1: someone's spirit because of that? Again coming back to the
40:02
Speaker 1: fact that Kia Brown seems like a woman of faith
40:05
Speaker 1: and believes that and it's and has come to a
40:08
Speaker 1: point that she loves herself and so I'm glad that
40:11
Speaker 1: she did not have that for herself. Who who could
40:13
Speaker 1: have easily done so? But just as a reminder of
40:16
Speaker 1: what this is, this whole savior is m this whole
40:19
Speaker 1: level of things that you're like, you can't you need
40:22
Speaker 1: to be careful. We all need to be careful when
40:24
Speaker 1: implying that do you think someone's in a bad place
40:27
Speaker 1: because you feel like you could not handle it. I
40:30
Speaker 1: hate this. I hate this narrative in every aspect, just
40:33
Speaker 1: as someone who is a survivor of any type of
40:36
Speaker 1: abuse or victimization in general to come and be like,
40:39
Speaker 1: I don't know how it could handle that situation. It's infuriating,
40:43
Speaker 1: as if I deserved it or was built to handle it.
40:46
Speaker 1: Don't say this, don't do this. This is out of bounds.
40:49
Speaker 1: This is ugly's ugly. As you want to bless someone's ugly,
40:54
Speaker 1: don't do it. As again, you can tell him very
40:57
Speaker 1: very very passionate about this. And of course I'm trying
41:00
Speaker 1: to ring myself in and saying on the curse words
41:03
Speaker 1: because I've gone through this way too many times, I think.
41:05
Speaker 1: And obviously you have to between all of the things
41:08
Speaker 1: that you grew up as a child and all the
41:11
Speaker 1: things with your father, there's too much in that that
41:13
Speaker 1: it's like you your good intentions, this is this is
41:17
Speaker 1: the road leading to hell? Like this is that that
41:20
Speaker 1: part of it. And just because you may have one experience,
41:24
Speaker 1: or just because you think you know of an experience
41:26
Speaker 1: or you think you could understand experience, doesn't mean you
41:29
Speaker 1: have the right to speak, especially to strangers, especially to strangers. Yeah,
41:37
Speaker 1: it definitely clearly. We could go into this in depth,
41:41
Speaker 1: maybe in a future episode, but it definitely And for me,
41:44
Speaker 1: it feels like it is implying that you, at some
41:48
Speaker 1: time or the other did something bad, did something to
41:50
Speaker 1: deserve it. And in this case, I'm thinking my own experiences,
41:54
Speaker 1: but like there's a holier than out Like no pun intended,
41:57
Speaker 1: but like I'm better than you, and I'm the better,
42:00
Speaker 1: bigger person by imparting on you this advice or these
42:04
Speaker 1: prayers or whatever, because you've failed somewhere and that's what's
42:08
Speaker 1: happening with you, and that's the reason it is happening
42:11
Speaker 1: with me. And we've talked about that with like the
42:14
Speaker 1: human brain interprets reason where there's often no reason. So
42:18
Speaker 1: just because something hasn't happened to you, that doesn't mean
42:22
Speaker 1: that God was like the reasons, right, right, Yeah, that's
42:28
Speaker 1: a whole different thing, right, and and we should talk
42:32
Speaker 1: about it in a whole different manner. But when it
42:34
Speaker 1: comes back to this, when we're talking about strangers implying
42:37
Speaker 1: these things and bringing religion into it, and or with cures,
42:41
Speaker 1: she mentioned the flash I was very appreciative this because
42:44
Speaker 1: it's one of my favorite shows, So thank you. I
42:48
Speaker 1: thought that I was here we go. But she also
42:53
Speaker 1: talks about this, this whole cure all mentality and our
43:00
Speaker 1: side of the pains that she goes through her her
43:03
Speaker 1: embracing of who she is and having the good days
43:05
Speaker 1: in the bad days, and we all we all hit that,
43:08
Speaker 1: and of course we all want things to be what
43:10
Speaker 1: we expected to be better. We're like, oh, if we
43:12
Speaker 1: had this, this would be better. If we did this,
43:14
Speaker 1: this would be better. If this was here, this would
43:16
Speaker 1: be better, which is what she does in this alternate timeline.
43:20
Speaker 1: But it's that narrative that we didn't realize anything was
43:23
Speaker 1: wrong until people told us we were wrong, or people
43:25
Speaker 1: told us people told her she should be sad, or
43:29
Speaker 1: people told her she can't do this, and that's when she,
43:32
Speaker 1: for the longest time, did not realize there was a
43:34
Speaker 1: difference until that point in time, until she couldn't be
43:38
Speaker 1: the norm by finding a seat because she's because they
43:42
Speaker 1: didn't think about people outside of that, like this is
43:44
Speaker 1: the ablest idea is this teaches those who aren't uh
43:49
Speaker 1: in that same level or aren't able to do these
43:52
Speaker 1: things you're not normal. This is the normal. And had
43:56
Speaker 1: we not had these narratives to begin with that you're
43:59
Speaker 1: a problem to be fixed. When someone is the problem
44:01
Speaker 1: to be fixed, they would have never known. We would
44:03
Speaker 1: have never known. And then when we were faced with that,
44:06
Speaker 1: it's not so much that that we feel wrong, it's
44:10
Speaker 1: more so that the narrative tells us we're wrong. Yeah,
44:13
Speaker 1: And she brings up the coverage around after when Stephen
44:15
Speaker 1: Hawking died and we had an episode a while back
44:18
Speaker 1: when Bridget was on with Annie Sagara was another activists
44:22
Speaker 1: in the disabled community, and if you somehow missed his coverage,
44:26
Speaker 1: a lot of it was like Stephen Hawking being freed
44:30
Speaker 1: from his wheelchair and death, and Kia Brown writes like,
44:35
Speaker 1: that's what you took from everything he accomplished, Like what
44:38
Speaker 1: about his life was not like that was the thing?
44:44
Speaker 1: That was what the narrative we're gonna run with? Okay,
44:47
Speaker 1: then yeah, and it was like, dude, he's a genius.
44:53
Speaker 1: Well by standard, he didn't do everything great, but he
44:56
Speaker 1: accomplished some amazing things. What I don't think that his
44:59
Speaker 1: biggest fault was in a wheelchair, by the way, either,
45:04
Speaker 1: That's why I But yeah, and continuing with that, she
45:08
Speaker 1: talks about the importance of accessibility, and she writes the
45:12
Speaker 1: A d A Education and Reform Act, which passed in
45:14
Speaker 1: the U. S. House of Representative as HR six, is
45:20
Speaker 1: designed to roll back the rights of disabled people, which
45:23
Speaker 1: require that people with disabilities who wish to report access
45:27
Speaker 1: barriers and buildings in public spaces become essentially code experts,
45:32
Speaker 1: give notice to the appropriate owners, and then wait six
45:36
Speaker 1: months or longer for the business or government agencies to
45:39
Speaker 1: make substantial progress. And that doesn't even guarantee that the
45:42
Speaker 1: issues in question will be fixed. And that's, oh my god, infuriating.
45:49
Speaker 1: There's so many things that happened in that administration like
45:52
Speaker 1: this wasn't even necessary, It wasn't why, Yeah, it's it's ridiculous.
46:11
Speaker 1: And then we wanted to talk about hughes relationship with
46:14
Speaker 1: her twin sister Leah, and kind of this jealousy around
46:17
Speaker 1: it when they were growing up and resenting Leah's body
46:22
Speaker 1: when she would compare it to her own right, and
46:26
Speaker 1: she writes, how dare she walk around beautiful and quote
46:30
Speaker 1: normal with her standard and normal working legs and arms
46:34
Speaker 1: while I walked around like a freak And the older Leah,
46:37
Speaker 1: and I got the deeper my anger to groot and grew.
46:41
Speaker 1: I pick fights with Leah, call her name, scratched her
46:44
Speaker 1: body by using my stronger left arm and bite down
46:47
Speaker 1: before she could block me. I did this in a
46:49
Speaker 1: desperate attempt to make her as ugly as I thought
46:52
Speaker 1: I was. I became very desperate around the time boys
46:55
Speaker 1: started to find her attractive and asked me to put
46:58
Speaker 1: in a good word with her. I believe that the
47:01
Speaker 1: attention she received made me uglier. And yeah, she talks
47:05
Speaker 1: about specific incidents about getting her hopes up and realizing
47:09
Speaker 1: they were asking about Leah, and it made me so
47:11
Speaker 1: sad because of course she comes back and talks about
47:15
Speaker 1: the fact that she had pictured it bigger than what
47:18
Speaker 1: her sister pictured it, but that she was the one
47:21
Speaker 1: who damaged their relationship, and it like she was the
47:25
Speaker 1: ming girl essentially of this relationship. And it made me like, all, yeah, yeah,
47:31
Speaker 1: because they're twins. Yeah, And it is one of those
47:35
Speaker 1: things where I was reading it and it reminded me
47:38
Speaker 1: of what we talked about recently in Lanking for his Body,
47:41
Speaker 1: where these like oppressive, like white supremacy patriarchal systems end
47:45
Speaker 1: up turning, you know, people marginalized people against other marginalized people,
47:50
Speaker 1: or just people in your life. I'm glad that their
47:53
Speaker 1: relationship is well on the mend and healing and they're
47:55
Speaker 1: very close now, but it is sad when you think
47:58
Speaker 1: about those things in your life where you're like I
47:59
Speaker 1: was lashing out at the wrong person. She has this
48:03
Speaker 1: whole chapter on jealousy, looking at looking into it and
48:06
Speaker 1: why it happens and why it happened in this case,
48:10
Speaker 1: and it's it is very relatable, but it is very
48:15
Speaker 1: sad because, like you were saying, you know, it's one
48:16
Speaker 1: of those things that she kind of learned this hatred
48:18
Speaker 1: of herself. She didn't have it, and then she learned it,
48:21
Speaker 1: and then that separated her even further from like a
48:24
Speaker 1: relationship in her life that had been healthy and nice
48:27
Speaker 1: and would have hopefully been that way throughout when she
48:31
Speaker 1: could have used it. Instead, you know, UM flashed out.
48:38
Speaker 1: And I think we've all been there where we've taken
48:42
Speaker 1: things out that we are feeling out it ourselves essentially,
48:45
Speaker 1: but taking it out on other people. Right. So she
48:48
Speaker 1: also writes I often took lee as lack of concern
48:50
Speaker 1: or care about boys as personal attack. Leah was single
48:53
Speaker 1: because she wanted to be, while I felt I had
48:54
Speaker 1: no other choice. This lack of choice made me angry.
48:58
Speaker 1: And I want to include this because they was a lot.
49:01
Speaker 1: I was recently on Holly's Star Wars show, Holly Fry Stuff.
49:06
Speaker 1: He class he's been on this show. I was recently
49:08
Speaker 1: on her Star Wars show Full of Sith you can
49:10
Speaker 1: check it out, and in the middle of it, she
49:12
Speaker 1: was kind of like, you know what, I feel like
49:13
Speaker 1: I can tell a lot about people based on their
49:15
Speaker 1: experience with Star Wars, and I can tell you've got
49:17
Speaker 1: a lot of family drama. And I was like, so
49:22
Speaker 1: she said something so deep, but I did. I really
49:25
Speaker 1: related to that because me and my little brother had
49:26
Speaker 1: a huge fight about this very thing, where he he
49:30
Speaker 1: thought that me not being interested in dating was essentially
49:35
Speaker 1: hurting or impacting him, and I never saw it that way.
49:39
Speaker 1: But she also writes about her relationship with her brother
49:42
Speaker 1: and how stressful bastmen, and that reminded me of my
49:45
Speaker 1: relationship was my brother. It's just a very complicated relationship
49:49
Speaker 1: that we have and I often struggle with even talking
49:50
Speaker 1: about it because I I'm like, very protective of him,
49:54
Speaker 1: but have been very hurt by him at the same time,
49:57
Speaker 1: so it's like I always feel like I have to
49:59
Speaker 1: give people contact to everything, like before you judge. But yeah,
50:03
Speaker 1: I just that was a very personal note for me.
50:05
Speaker 1: Or I felt like I really connected with that. I
50:08
Speaker 1: also really connected where she kept she mentioned Mary, Kate
50:10
Speaker 1: and Ashley. I thought about us so well on this one.
50:14
Speaker 1: I'm like man, she said in all our buttons. Yes
50:17
Speaker 1: she is, she said to Darella with Brandy, and I
50:19
Speaker 1: was like in the flash and now Mary, Kayton Ashley
50:23
Speaker 1: for you, Yeah, I thought. Yeah. She also talked about
50:28
Speaker 1: ten and Tamara, what she was thinking about these, and
50:30
Speaker 1: like this is the twin relationship. She thought she should
50:32
Speaker 1: have the twins she was watching, but did want to
50:36
Speaker 1: include this quote because we have been talking about entertaining
50:38
Speaker 1: a lot. The idea that disability is punishment is reflected
50:41
Speaker 1: back to us in TV and movies, thus influencing policy
50:44
Speaker 1: and law. The fear of expressing a part of who
50:47
Speaker 1: you are for fear of backlash is a familiar concept
50:49
Speaker 1: to most marginalized people. The cycle can be broken once
50:52
Speaker 1: we take the step of ending the stigma so that
50:54
Speaker 1: people feel comfortable disclosing and telling worthwhile stories about disability
50:58
Speaker 1: which can change cultural ideas and policies that negatively affect
51:01
Speaker 1: the disability community. And we've talked about that before that
51:05
Speaker 1: what people see on TV. There have been studies that
51:10
Speaker 1: show it does impact policy. It impacts the laws that
51:14
Speaker 1: we make or don't make, or what we put money behind, um,
51:18
Speaker 1: which we could have a whole commentary on the cons
51:22
Speaker 1: of that, but it's true. So this was when she
51:24
Speaker 1: was talking about the importance of good representation, right, I mean,
51:29
Speaker 1: we can talk about that with the pandemic and what's
51:32
Speaker 1: happening right now as the delta variant is happening, and
51:37
Speaker 1: the fact that they are dismissing any of the disabled
51:40
Speaker 1: community in high risk communities by sitting everybody back to
51:44
Speaker 1: school without the option of doing virtual And again, no
51:48
Speaker 1: one's really talking about it as much as a disabled
51:51
Speaker 1: community or those who are impacted by it. And that's
51:54
Speaker 1: the unfortunate parts because people are not willing to talk
51:57
Speaker 1: about it if it's not personal to them. So other children, Sure,
52:02
Speaker 1: children are annoyed by masks, don't make them wear masks. Oh,
52:05
Speaker 1: children need to be back in school because I don't
52:07
Speaker 1: want them here. To be fair, that's not that's not
52:11
Speaker 1: most people. I'm not dismissing the fact that having children
52:14
Speaker 1: at home is hard, I know, and that those who
52:17
Speaker 1: do not have access. But what I'm saying is those
52:20
Speaker 1: are the larger conversations than those who have the disabled community,
52:24
Speaker 1: so we have to recognize that. Yeah, just saying for sure,
52:28
Speaker 1: a lot of putting the comfort first. That's what used
52:30
Speaker 1: me about the masses. I'm like, you know what, I
52:33
Speaker 1: get that. Maybe it's more comfortable for you, but in
52:36
Speaker 1: the end, it's about comfort. I can do it. It's
52:40
Speaker 1: gonna be fine. That's not a need. Comfortable is not
52:43
Speaker 1: necessarily need based used to getting what you want. The
52:48
Speaker 1: same thing was a critical race theory. But hey, yep,
52:51
Speaker 1: exactly erg indeed. And then I did want to include
52:56
Speaker 1: this very briefly before we close out to you. She
52:58
Speaker 1: has this whole thing about love and how much she
53:01
Speaker 1: wants to find love, her love of rom coms. That
53:03
Speaker 1: also made me think of you. I love a She
53:05
Speaker 1: has like Hallmark one where she was like, oh, this
53:07
Speaker 1: is my relationship, like just picking up on those things,
53:11
Speaker 1: and she writes about like never having been in love
53:14
Speaker 1: and the fear of never finding love, of never being
53:16
Speaker 1: in love of being worthy of love and how she
53:19
Speaker 1: wants those things, and I was just really moved by
53:22
Speaker 1: it because it's a very personal thing to be open
53:25
Speaker 1: about with, but it's something I also connected connected with
53:28
Speaker 1: because I have caught myself wanting those things even though
53:32
Speaker 1: I identify as a sexual or gray sexual, and I
53:35
Speaker 1: think it's because I do see it and it looks
53:37
Speaker 1: so wonderful and entertainment. But it was just kind of
53:40
Speaker 1: nice to read about, like, oh, yeah, this is sort
53:42
Speaker 1: of what I'm talking about. It's like, it sounds lovely.
53:46
Speaker 1: I think we all yearned for that. And she she
53:48
Speaker 1: talks about this with our music to like her her
53:50
Speaker 1: moods and what she felt through music, whether it was
53:54
Speaker 1: through Paramore or any of the old school stuff. She
53:58
Speaker 1: also talks about Dimmi Lavato and their song Sky's Favor,
54:01
Speaker 1: which actually I loved that song and it's probably one
54:04
Speaker 1: of the most tear jerking, like open raw songs for
54:07
Speaker 1: me as well. So when Kia was talking about it,
54:10
Speaker 1: was like, Yeah, they do an amazing job in this level,
54:13
Speaker 1: because I think the me levado was coming through the
54:16
Speaker 1: first rehabstant and just letting those go and just feeling
54:20
Speaker 1: so fragile but at the same time breaking through all
54:24
Speaker 1: of that, because there is there's something about this level
54:27
Speaker 1: of songs that they've got the right coorse, they've got
54:30
Speaker 1: the right lyrics, and I know you know with your
54:33
Speaker 1: soundtracks that I do too, and like feeling that depth
54:37
Speaker 1: and that level, but that emotion of just wanting to
54:41
Speaker 1: be wanted and that that is a a level that
54:46
Speaker 1: goes beyond just rationale, like rationally we know that this
54:52
Speaker 1: is not maybe not realistic, this is not what happens,
54:54
Speaker 1: this is not the real world, but that need, that
54:57
Speaker 1: favorite pitch of like wanting to feel the songs and
55:01
Speaker 1: such a depth of emotion and we can whether it's
55:04
Speaker 1: feeling all of a sudden inspired or feeling so sad
55:08
Speaker 1: and broken or so like empty and alone, which is
55:12
Speaker 1: the emo phase. But finding that love, that that being
55:16
Speaker 1: told you're that girl, that special one that you know
55:19
Speaker 1: you're the beautiful, most beautiful woman in the worst state
55:21
Speaker 1: of being and never really actually hearing that. To actually
55:25
Speaker 1: find that it is rare and that is that one,
55:29
Speaker 1: like holy grill. I think for a lot of young
55:31
Speaker 1: girls to wish to be the boy band fantasy, yes
55:38
Speaker 1: you know, and I'm like, yeah, yeah, I feel that
55:40
Speaker 1: I hear that, and and when you feel like there's
55:43
Speaker 1: something wrong with you, when there's feeling like these are
55:46
Speaker 1: the reasons why they can't love me, it's it's this
55:49
Speaker 1: whole level like trying to go past that and how
55:52
Speaker 1: do I get to this? I will say also appreciated
55:56
Speaker 1: her stories, which makes me disgusted about like trying to
55:59
Speaker 1: ond date and all that, because I don't necessarily have
56:03
Speaker 1: the same experience. But I definitely had that, Oh, you're Asian,
56:07
Speaker 1: and I'm sorry, I have a fetist for Asian, so
56:09
Speaker 1: let me go ahead and talk to you and see
56:11
Speaker 1: if you'll do these things for me. And I'm like,
56:13
Speaker 1: hell Na, no, no, no, nah, m hm m m yeah.
56:22
Speaker 1: I think it was just it was also really nice
56:24
Speaker 1: to hear someone being so open and hopeful about it. Yeah,
56:28
Speaker 1: at it older age, and she's not older at all,
56:33
Speaker 1: but I feel like a lot of times more than me,
56:35
Speaker 1: So how dare you? Oh no, no, no, I think
56:36
Speaker 1: she's young me. Okay, she's younger than me, and I'm
56:40
Speaker 1: so young. I did hear a podcast the other day
56:43
Speaker 1: where I was like, I'm twenty nine. I'm like, what,
56:46
Speaker 1: oh my god, I've been doing this welcome to my world,
56:48
Speaker 1: it gets worse. No, No, but I think there's it
56:51
Speaker 1: reaches a certain age where you kind of close up
56:54
Speaker 1: about that stuff or you might feel ashamed about like
56:57
Speaker 1: you haven't found it yet. I think that's definitely changing
57:00
Speaker 1: for sure. But like we've talked about, I thought I
57:02
Speaker 1: was gonna be married by Andy or whatever. So I
57:07
Speaker 1: don't know. I just really appreciated that. And then I
57:10
Speaker 1: wanted to close on this quote, which I love. I
57:15
Speaker 1: like me so much that when I think about it,
57:17
Speaker 1: I giggle like I've got a crush. When I smile,
57:19
Speaker 1: it feels like the sun is filling up in my
57:21
Speaker 1: body so that when I move around the world, I
57:23
Speaker 1: can light it up. I like me so much now
57:25
Speaker 1: that I know I don't need to be the best
57:27
Speaker 1: or the prettiest person anyone meets. I just need to
57:29
Speaker 1: be me, and that's enough. The world at largest still
57:32
Speaker 1: clinging to ablest and harmful ideas of disabled people. Still,
57:36
Speaker 1: I can't allow myself to let the opinions of a
57:38
Speaker 1: culture influenced my whole view the way they did before.
57:41
Speaker 1: I have too much left to do and I've worked
57:42
Speaker 1: too damn hard to get here. The rest of the
57:45
Speaker 1: world will catch up whether it wants to or not,
57:49
Speaker 1: especially with the work that disability community and especially the
57:51
Speaker 1: women in our community are doing to ensure that it
57:54
Speaker 1: is happening through hell or high water. Outside of my
57:57
Speaker 1: disability work, I want to write books that mean as
57:59
Speaker 1: much to me as Desson's and Morrison's do. I want
58:02
Speaker 1: my future books to be all light for someone and
58:05
Speaker 1: I love that. And this was y it was so lovely. Listeners,
58:11
Speaker 1: if you haven't read it, we highly highly recommend going
58:14
Speaker 1: to pick it up right now, Yes, right now, and
58:16
Speaker 1: then listen to this again and make more sense. Come back, yes,
58:21
Speaker 1: come back always. And if you have any book suggestions
58:23
Speaker 1: for our next book club but you can email them
58:26
Speaker 1: to us our emails stephaniea mom Stuff at iHeart media
58:28
Speaker 1: dot com. You can find us on Twitter at mom
58:30
Speaker 1: Stuff podcast or on Instagram at stuff I've Never Told
58:33
Speaker 1: You Things as always to our super producer, Christina, also
58:36
Speaker 1: the light of our lives. Yes, and thanks to you
58:38
Speaker 1: for listening Stuff I Never Told You. Protection of iHeart
58:41
Speaker 1: Radio for more podcast from I Heart Radio, but the
58:43
Speaker 1: iHeart Radio app, Apple podcast, or whever you listen to
58:45
Speaker 1: your favorite shows.