Latest / Stories That Live In Us / The Whole Tree (with Sunny Mahe) | Episode 4

Transcript

The Whole Tree (with Sunny Mahe) | Episode 4 · Stories That Live In Us

• 0:03
  Sunny Mahe: It has been a conscious effort to not make that our whole family story.
• 0:07
  Sunny Mahe: That was something that happened within our family, but it's also something that we are so looking forward to being complete again.
• 0:17
  Crista Cowan: Stories that Live In Us is a podcast that inspires you to form deep connections with your family, past, present and future.
• 0:25
  Crista Cowan: I'm Krista Cowan, known online as the Barefoot Genealogist.
• 0:29
  Crista Cowan: I've spent my whole life discovering the power of family history and I know that sharing the stories that live in you can change everything.
• 0:37
  Crista Cowan: I don't know about you.
• 0:40
  Crista Cowan: But sometimes, as an adult, it's a little bit difficult to make friends.
• 0:44
  Crista Cowan: Certainly, that was true at the beginning of the pandemic, when I was home alone, but there was a new social media app called Clubhouse that was becoming wildly popular, and sometimes in the evenings when I was alone in my house, I would turn on the app and join in on conversations about family and family history.
• 1:04
  Crista Cowan: One day, as I was scrolling through the app, I noticed a name that was familiar to me Reno Mahe.
• 1:09
  Crista Cowan: Now, reno Mahe used to play in the NFL for the Philadelphia Eagles, and he was a coach for one of my favorite college football teams, the Brigham Young University Cougars, and so I hopped in the room to see what was happening.
• 1:23
  Crista Cowan: Cougars, and so I hopped in the room to see what was happening.
• 1:27
  Crista Cowan: What I didn't expect was that it was a small little room of just him and his wife and his brother-in-law and his sister-in-law, and they had created this clubhouse room just to learn how to use the app and none of them had a clue what they were doing.
• 1:38
  Crista Cowan: So I volunteered my services, taught them how to use the app and then showed up every Monday night for several weeks to have conversations with them and their family, and from that a very unconventional start of a friendship began.
• 1:55
  Crista Cowan: Now it's been several years since then and Reno's wife, sunny, and I have become dear friends.
• 2:02
  Crista Cowan: I've learned more about their family.
• 2:04
  Crista Cowan: They've invited me to family gatherings, I've had them in my home and their story about their connections in their family continues to inspire me.
• 2:14
  Crista Cowan: So I'm so excited to introduce you to Sunny Mahe and invite you into my conversation with her.
• 2:20
  Crista Cowan: So I have told people how you and I met and it's kind of a fun story.
• 2:27
  Crista Cowan: But we've developed this really lovely friendship over the last couple of years and I just so appreciate you being here, sunny.
• 2:34
  Crista Cowan: Thank you so much.
• 2:34
  Crista Cowan: I'm so honored to be here.
• 2:36
  Crista Cowan: Yay, so your like kind of family is really interesting to me, and then kind of the family history and the family narrative that wraps up into.
• 2:47
  Crista Cowan: That is why I wanted to have you on the podcast.
• 2:50
  Crista Cowan: So would you just tell people, like, tell us about your family, like you're this amazing mother and I just I look up to you, so much for that and so tell us about kind of the genesis of your family that you've created, the genesis of your family that you've created.
• 3:05
  Sunny Mahe: Oh gosh, so I don't know how far.
• 3:07
  Sunny Mahe: Back.
• 3:08
  Sunny Mahe: To start, I played volleyball at BYU, where I met my husband, who played on the football team, and we have 10 children.
• 3:17
  Sunny Mahe: So, give us a rundown of your kids, like ages and kind of where they are.
• 3:23
  Sunny Mahe: The oldest is my husband's son, Jeffrey he had before we ever met.
• 3:25
  Sunny Mahe: And then our oldest is Evie, she's 21.
• 3:29
  Sunny Mahe: And then Ellie is 18.
• 3:31
  Sunny Mahe: Trey is 16.
• 3:35
  Sunny Mahe: Emmy is she's 13, but she's almost 14.
• 3:41
  Sunny Mahe: No I mean 14, but almost 15.
• 3:43
  Crista Cowan: I thought you were going to say she's 13, but almost 30.
• 3:45
  Crista Cowan: Yeah, well, that too.
• 3:48
  Sunny Mahe: And then there's Tank, who is 12, going to be 13.
• 3:51
  Sunny Mahe: And then Elsie that's why it takes me a while, so it's kind of wild to try and wrap your mind around that.
• 4:03
  Sunny Mahe: She would be 11.
• 4:04
  Sunny Mahe: She was three when she passed and so I was, it's like man.
• 4:07
  Sunny Mahe: She would be 11 years old this year.
• 4:09
  Sunny Mahe: And then, um, steel is eight, lucky is five, wow, and baby sunny is one.
• 4:18
  Sunny Mahe: I love that.
• 4:19
  Crista Cowan: Tell me a little bit about just kind of growing up.
• 4:22
  Crista Cowan: Tell, tell me about your dad's side of the family a little bit, and then maybe we'll talk a little bit about your dad's side of the family a little bit, and then maybe we'll talk a little bit about your mom's side of the family.
• 4:27
  Sunny Mahe: So my dad's side of the family is really interesting.
• 4:29
  Sunny Mahe: He's Tongan, and Tongans have this weird thing where they will it's called pusiaki that's the term for it where if there's a relative, or especially a sister, that cannot have children, then they will give one of their children to that sister to raise.
• 4:48
  Sunny Mahe: And so that was my dad.
• 4:49
  Sunny Mahe: So he was raised by what was his aunt, but that was really the only grandmother that I knew, because there was kind of some hard feelings that were created in the process of that and so I never really knew his biological family.
• 5:03
  Sunny Mahe: I kind of knew of them, but for whatever reason, and as an adult I've gotten to know them and that's been really fun.
• 5:11
  Sunny Mahe: But I just I never knew that side of the family very well and it seemed like a really small family because it was just my grandma and grandpa and then my dad.
• 5:25
  Sunny Mahe: And that was really the only family Was your dad raised in?
• 5:28
  Sunny Mahe: Tonga.
• 5:29
  Sunny Mahe: So he grew up in Tonga.
• 5:31
  Sunny Mahe: He moved to California when he was 12, I want to say 12 or 13.
• 5:36
  Sunny Mahe: I don't really know a whole lot about his upbringing.
• 5:39
  Sunny Mahe: I mean just from what I've been able to piece together through stories, but they're.
• 5:43
  Sunny Mahe: I mean just from what I've been able to piece together through stories, but they're somewhat tainted with emotions and feelings by every single person that I have talked to, and so everybody has their own separate experience of what it was like, and so just trying to kind of piece that together, I can kind of get a bit of a picture.
• 6:00
  Crista Cowan: Families are messy?
• 6:00
  Crista Cowan: Huh, yeah, they can be.
• 6:03
  Crista Cowan: Yeah, and you know what the thing is is that all families are messy in their own way.
• 6:07
  Crista Cowan: But when we start going looking for that, we're met with different levels of resistance, and people's experiences always are going to taint their perception of, you know, of their family, of their family history, of the dynamics of the family, and you walk into that, trying just to learn something about yourself and about these people that you love and that can be kind of difficult to navigate.
• 6:32
  Sunny Mahe: It sounds like yes, for sure, and you know, obviously my loyalty feels like it's to my dad and so trying to take a step back and see things through other eyes that you know sometimes they don't have great feelings towards, you know, my dad, where I feel like my loyalty lies, and so it is kind of tricky to untangle some of that to get like an accurate picture.
• 6:56
  Sunny Mahe: But that was kind of why I never really knew those grandparents and, um, my grandparents that I did know, uh, it was a tricky relationship there as well.
• 7:09
  Sunny Mahe: And then how many?
• 7:11
  Crista Cowan: um how many grandchildren did they have?
• 7:14
  Sunny Mahe: um, so the grandma that I knew, yeah, uh, just me and my siblings, right, and there's how many?
• 7:20
  Sunny Mahe: And I have an older sister and two younger brothers so there there's four of us and, within the culture, boys are typically the favorite.
• 7:29
  Sunny Mahe: Like those are the birthright sons and if not the boys, then it's like the first daughter, Like it's kind of a matriarchal society that the first daughter of the family, she has her own title and everything.
• 7:42
  Sunny Mahe: She's called the Fahu and so within the Tongan culture, realistically I was like the least important member of my family and I would say that not with any bad feelings about it.
• 7:56
  Sunny Mahe: But I was not a boy and I was not the firstborn girl, and so in the hierarchy I just kind of knew where I was.
• 8:05
  Sunny Mahe: So I don't have like hard feelings or anything about that, it just is what it is, and so.
• 8:10
  Sunny Mahe: So that was that side of the family.
• 8:12
  Sunny Mahe: And then with my mom's side of the family, um, that was another tricky, you know, family situation where I, I believe my grandma suffered from some mental health challenges and, um, by the time I was three or four, my grandfather had moved out and he was living with another woman.
• 8:36
  Sunny Mahe: He never did divorce my grandma.
• 8:37
  Sunny Mahe: I think it was a kindness to her.
• 8:41
  Sunny Mahe: He supported her financially.
• 8:43
  Sunny Mahe: But yeah, it definitely was a strange dynamic.
• 8:48
  Sunny Mahe: How old was your mom when all that went down?
• 8:50
  Sunny Mahe: She would have been in her mid-20s.
• 8:53
  Sunny Mahe: Okay, so that's going to jade her perception about family as well a little bit Right, and I do think that she tried her best to love both parents, but she was obviously much closer to her mom.
• 9:04
  Sunny Mahe: But my sister went and lived with my grandmother towards the end of her life and so she was really close with my grandmother and I just never really had that and so like, as you've been raising your children, what kind of like family narrative have you tried to wrap them up in?
• 9:29
  Crista Cowan: What kind of stories do you share with them, knowing that you know your family history is kind of chaotic and I don't know what Reno's background is, but like, how do you instill some of that, like love of family in them?
• 9:42
  Crista Cowan: Is year for not just his own family, but like his.
• 9:46
  Crista Cowan: This is the one for his mom's siblings and all of their kids.
• 10:01
  Sunny Mahe: This is the one for his dad's siblings and all their kids.
• 10:04
  Sunny Mahe: This is the one for the mom's cousins and all of their kids.
• 10:07
  Sunny Mahe: Like it really does go back almost five generations that they are still having family reunions, and so they do have that example of like really close family.
• 10:19
  Sunny Mahe: But I do think that you know, when they were growing up, one of the things we used to say is aren't we lucky that we were born into a family of all best friends?
• 10:28
  Sunny Mahe: And so we have tried to like create that closeness just with each other, that that this is, this is our family.
• 10:36
  Sunny Mahe: Like we're friends, we love being in this family, we want to be together.
• 10:41
  Crista Cowan: So yeah, and I love that and I see a little bit of that.
• 10:44
  Crista Cowan: Of course, I follow you on social media and even just watching stuff as recently as your spring break this year at Disneyland and doing dances together and I know you do that at Christmas time and it's so fun to watch and it does seem like they really do like each other, which is important that you've created that culture.
• 11:05
  Sunny Mahe: Yeah, it's really fun.
• 11:06
  Sunny Mahe: They do like each other and they're great.
• 11:08
  Sunny Mahe: They're really fun kids, so it makes it easier yeah, that's amazing.
• 11:13
  Crista Cowan: So, um, if you, if you're okay, just talking a little bit about, um, about Elsie, like um, you only had her for three years here in this life and before she passed, and um, tell me, tell me about her oh, elsie, yeah, that one.
• 11:32
  Sunny Mahe: She was so very independent.
• 11:34
  Sunny Mahe: She was spunky and fun and funny and a little bit naughty at times.
• 11:42
  Sunny Mahe: But she had a best friend that lived across the street and, like they, they played together at each other's houses almost every day.
• 11:48
  Sunny Mahe: And there was one time that they tricked both of us because they both said they were going to the other's house and they walked like half a mile to the elementary school where they are the ones that called us and said hey, we've got your daughter here.
• 12:02
  Sunny Mahe: She was on the playground she's three.
• 12:05
  Sunny Mahe: She's three years old, and so we get there and we're thinking that they're going to be scared.
• 12:09
  Sunny Mahe: They were not scared.
• 12:10
  Sunny Mahe: They were doing flips on the couch and alternately hugging and saying we're best friends.
• 12:17
  Sunny Mahe: It was really cute, but she was just fiercely independent.
• 12:21
  Sunny Mahe: She was going to do whatever she wanted to do.
• 12:23
  Sunny Mahe: And I guess when we met it was talking about my daughter, elsie, and the reason that kind of applied was that people used to say, oh well, she's over there with your grandma and with you know, your grandpa and all these people that I knew in this life.
• 12:45
  Sunny Mahe: That that really wasn't all that comforting to me at the time.
• 12:51
  Sunny Mahe: Right, all that comforting to me at the time because I loved my grandparents but I have never had any delusions about being anyone's favorite, so they loved me.
• 13:02
  Sunny Mahe: But I could tell so when I was thinking about why would they pay special attention to my daughter when never really gave that special attention to me?
• 13:16
  Sunny Mahe: That made me take a deep dive into my family history because I wanted to know who is it over there that's going to love her the way that I do?
• 13:23
  Sunny Mahe: That's going to understand you know this dynamic, and so my great grandma, thea, was the first one that I really studied her life and learned about.
• 13:33
  Sunny Mahe: She had a five-year-old little girl that passed away, and so she not only knows my life, you know, she knows what I'm going through, but I can't imagine that my Elsie hasn't found that great aunt, you know, because they understand the challenges that both you know their mothers are going through and that they, you know their mothers are going through and that they, you know they have that shared experience.
• 13:56
  Sunny Mahe: And so I love the way that family history has kind of brought me extra peace and joy in knowing that we have more than just the ones that we know here, on this earth, because we don't always have super great experiences with everyone in our family that we have here on this earth.
• 14:18
  Sunny Mahe: But that's not all that there is.
• 14:20
  Sunny Mahe: But yeah, it's just been really cool to learn more about the life that she led and feel like that's the blood that runs through me.
• 14:32
  Sunny Mahe: If she could get through it, I can, yeah, yeah, I can, yeah, yeah.
• 14:35
  Crista Cowan: I love that.
• 14:35
  Crista Cowan: And then you had this really beautiful thing you said about that um, she had lost a child, and so you knew she understood you, but that her child that had been separated, as you know, a five-year-old from her mother and dying, that maybe elsie had somebody there that understood her as well.
• 14:54
  Crista Cowan: I love that.
• 14:56
  Sunny Mahe: That's a perspective that I had never considered before yeah, I just think that that's kind of interesting, that once we I do think that once we get to the other side, that we'll find people that understand our life experience here.
• 15:14
  Crista Cowan: Yeah, your perspective and I know that your experiences are what lend to your perspective.
• 15:19
  Crista Cowan: But I don't think that everybody approaches life and family and heartache and just I mean it's just life With that kind of perspective.
• 15:31
  Crista Cowan: I suspect your faith plays into that greatly I know it does because I know you but also just having the, I mean like when Elsie died you had other children, I mean like when Elsie died, you had other children you had to go on, and maybe even the blessing that that was to you to pull you through yeah, that was man.
• 16:02
  Sunny Mahe: That was a wild ride for a while, because it felt like I can barely manage what's happening within myself and I was expected to like still be the mother of all these grieving children that are going through it so differently.
• 16:09
  Sunny Mahe: So that did definitely help pull me out of it, out of myself, because I have to, you know, care and watch over all these other kids.
• 16:19
  Sunny Mahe: You know, what was interesting is that, like I felt like the right thing to do would be like to show them that it's okay to feel, like it's okay to feel all the emotions, and for some of them that worked and for some them that felt like mom's already so sad, I can't possibly add to that and so I'm going to internalize everything.
• 16:40
  Sunny Mahe: And so, like I can't say enough about finding good therapy and good counseling to help get you through that, because, like I wouldn't have thought of that, I wouldn't have dreamed that that's what my response would create in someone else.
• 16:57
  Crista Cowan: Yeah, you know I'm excited about this season.
• 17:01
  Crista Cowan: On the podcast I've already.
• 17:03
  Crista Cowan: You know your episode is going to be a little early in the season, but I've already recorded some of the episodes that are coming up.
• 17:09
  Crista Cowan: And as people are going to hear these stories, there are things that become defining moments in lives and in families.
• 17:16
  Crista Cowan: You know, there's a grandmother who survived a Holocaust, or finding your biological mother and meeting her for the first time, or I mean, there's like these defining moments, and sometimes those defining moments become our whole identity and sometimes they just become a part of the story.
• 17:32
  Crista Cowan: And so I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm just curious to know like losing Elsie was such a defining moment for you as a mother and as a person and for your family, and yet your family narrative is so much bigger than just that.
• 17:47
  Crista Cowan: Do you ever feel like that has become your identity as Elsie's mom, or do you still recognize that you have these nine other children?
• 17:56
  Sunny Mahe: Yeah, I never wanted that to be the whole identity.
• 17:58
  Sunny Mahe: It's interesting when you have a big family that you know you put so much effort into loving every single one of them individually, and nobody's the favorite.
• 18:09
  Sunny Mahe: I love all of you differently, but equally, and I imagine that that's how God is with us.
• 18:14
  Sunny Mahe: You know he loves every single one.
• 18:16
  Sunny Mahe: There's not one that's replaceable or expendable, and so, yeah, it has been a conscious effort to not make that our whole family story.
• 18:27
  Sunny Mahe: That was something that happened within our family, but it's also something that we are so looking forward to being complete again.
• 18:36
  Sunny Mahe: You know it has altered the way that we view our lives.
• 18:43
  Sunny Mahe: We view our lives.
• 18:43
  Sunny Mahe: It's been a little bit easier to take a wide lens view because we have somebody on the other side that's waiting for those blessings and so it's almost like having a little bit of a cheat sheet.
• 18:57
  Sunny Mahe: That's like, okay, well, we want to be a family worth having forever.
• 19:00
  Sunny Mahe: Like we want to create that now and so I don't want that to be my whole identity.
• 19:06
  Sunny Mahe: And there was a time, like there's a very real temptation to make it that like, especially when you share about it online or whatever that, um, you know people are interested and they want to comfort you and they want to tell you that you're amazing and you're doing so well and and I can see how that could be addicting.
• 19:27
  Sunny Mahe: You know, to sit in that space and to just tell everybody how sad you are and have everybody come and try and fill your cup.
• 19:35
  Sunny Mahe: But it's like I, I just want it to be based on things that are real and that will last and and and healing.
• 19:44
  Sunny Mahe: That's a real thing.
• 19:45
  Sunny Mahe: You know, like I didn't want to get stuck in like a spiral of, just a spiral of sadness.
• 19:53
  Sunny Mahe: I don't think that's honoring Elsie at all.
• 19:56
  Sunny Mahe: I want us to be focused on on good things, like we want to be involved in good, happy things in this life.
• 20:07
  Sunny Mahe: We want to push good forward, yeah oh, that's beautiful.
• 20:11
  Crista Cowan: I love the way you said that.
• 20:12
  Crista Cowan: Um, so have you, since that initial kind of foray into family history spurred on because of LC, have you done more with family history at all?
• 20:22
  Crista Cowan: Um, I mean you, you're raising 10 kids.
• 20:25
  Crista Cowan: I'm not gonna like there's times and seasons for everything.
• 20:28
  Crista Cowan: I get that.
• 20:29
  Sunny Mahe: Yeah, I feel like I have begun collecting the family stories from the ones that are still alive.
• 20:36
  Sunny Mahe: Okay, that has become really important to me to get the stories while they're here so that we can then pass them down.
• 20:43
  Sunny Mahe: It's I don't know.
• 20:46
  Sunny Mahe: It's kind of a fun little project that I have been doing with my husband's family because his mom is one of 12 siblings and so I have started interviewing them because they're all still alive and so that's been kind of interesting to see, you know, the very different experiences that each of them has had and the different struggles, because I feel like when they have all these family reunions, each generation kind of sits and talks amongst themselves.
• 21:17
  Sunny Mahe: So the siblings all talk and then the cousins all talk and the grandkids all kind of talk, and and I just wanted to kind of create more avenues of um relating.
• 21:30
  Sunny Mahe: Yeah, because if I hadn't spoken to some of these, uh, like the aunts that you know, there's one that struggled with mental health and you know body image things, and there's one that talked about the difficulties in her marriage, and these are things that it's like that would be very helpful for my generation to hear and for your kids and for my kids that are coming up to know that these are the struggles.
• 21:54
  Sunny Mahe: Look, they got through it.
• 21:56
  Sunny Mahe: Everything ended up, you know, working out and they're things that you would never guess.
• 22:00
  Sunny Mahe: You would never guess about some of them that they struggled in these ways and and so it's just nice to kind of create some of that now um, and then that's the history that they're leaving behind.
• 22:14
  Crista Cowan: Yeah, now that you've kind of understand this family narrative that you've crafted.
• 22:20
  Crista Cowan: You've learned some of these family stories.
• 22:22
  Crista Cowan: You're actively engaged in being this, almost a bridge between generations.
• 22:27
  Crista Cowan: What is it that you hope for the future, for your family?
• 22:30
  Sunny Mahe: I think what I hope the most for my family is that they will stay close, that they will stay close to each other.
• 22:36
  Sunny Mahe: You need the whole tree.
• 22:38
  Sunny Mahe: We need each other, we need those that have gone before us, we need their strength.
• 22:43
  Sunny Mahe: We need to pull from that and we need to be a strong member of our own family, and so I just hope that they will keep those connections strong.
• 22:52
  Crista Cowan: I love it.
• 22:53
  Crista Cowan: Thank you, I love you.
• 22:55
  Crista Cowan: Well, that's all I've got for you on this episode of Stories that Live In Us, but here's some great news.
• 23:04
  Crista Cowan: One of the most valuable things you can do to help me and other potential listeners to find this show is for you to both rate it and leave a review.
• 23:13
  Crista Cowan: So, as a special bonus, if you write a review, take a screenshot of it and email it to storiesthatliveinus at gmailcom and I will send you a free ebook with my top tips for discovering and sharing your own family history stories.
• 23:30
  Crista Cowan: Also, please share, share, share this podcast with anyone you think might enjoy it.
• 23:36
  Crista Cowan: Until next time, remember that sharing your family stories means better perspective, deeper connections and a more empowering identity for you, your children and your grandchildren, maybe even for generations to come.