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I married my man even though he was cheating · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Today on Head Trink Inc., someone emails and we answer the question.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, welcome back.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: It's another week of Head Shrink Inc.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_01: I'm here with my bro Dan Bates.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: This is Doc David.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: Hello, Dan.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, hey, what's up, man?
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: This is also a joint effort with Brainchild.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Brainchild.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Is that your podcast?
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: That's my pod.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm Dan Bates, and the co-host of Head Shrink Inc.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: and the host of BrainChild, where we talk about self-help.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: Are you Brainchild?
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: I am Brain Child.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: You're the Brain Child.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: So every once in a while in Head Shrink Inc.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: we have people that uh will email in and ask questions.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: And so that's one of the regular curring things we want to start doing is reading the question and kind of giving our perspective as therapists and people who work with actual people who work with relationships and couples and individuals what we think that they should do.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: I always think it's funny, I don't know if you've seen this, but there's a lot of people that are not trained therapists who don't actually work with couples, but they love to give advice to couples, and and I always think it's it's like John Gray, men are from Mars, women are from Venus.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think he's a actual licensed therapist, right?
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: But everyone thinks he's like this expert.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yet that book is so popular.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: I know.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: Why couldn't we have written a book like that?
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: Come on.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, so here is the question, and then we will uh give an answer.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: Dear Doc David, my marriage is in trouble.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: My husband and I fight all the time.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: We have been married for almost a year, and the day we got married, I saw SMSs.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: So text he exchanged with another woman.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: Uh-oh.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: That's where I put my I should get my sound effect board in.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: Um they were declaring love for one another, and I think this has been going on even before we dated, because when we were dating in 09, I saw the romantic text he sent to the same woman, and that time I never asked him about them.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: These questions are hard.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: It's hard to get through because I'm just wanting to yell and scream.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: I don't trust him anymore, really.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: I'm angry with him, and more so that he is emotionally distant, and sometimes when we have a conversation, he says some things that really hurt my feelings, and then he says, I'm too sensitive.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: Um please give me pointers on how I can deal with my anger and bitterness.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: I believe I can't control what my husband does and can't force him to change, but how can I make him realize his actions are hurting me?
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: And do you think I can make my marriage work?
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: And how can I do it when my husband doesn't want to commit to make changes?
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: That was a huge run-on sentence.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: I suggested we try a few things and even bought a book, His Needs, Her Needs, which I think I've heard before.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: Have you heard of that book before?
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: Um to use as a guideline, but he says I want to apply what I read in books in our lives.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: What do you suggest I do in this case?
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: The biggest challenge is that I'm not working at the moment, and I moved across country to be with him, and I have to depend on him financially.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: Now, as a I want to preface this, and I guess I should have let people know that when I read these, I'm going to be kind of doing little sidebar comments as well.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: Because I think it's so boring just to sit and read something when everyone else that's probably listening is thinking, What?
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: Are you serious with what you just read?
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so there is the question from listener Kate, and I don't know if Kate is her real name or it's an assumed moniker, or what it is, or it's an AK, it's an AKA.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: But but Dan, given what you just heard, um you got any suggestions for Kate?
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's like when you when you get these questions, there there's like 50 different things going on.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: So I think it's helpful to focus on one or two things.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: And the first thing I heard was she knew he had romantic attachments other than herself, yet she ignored them and then got married, and then he continued the romantic attachments, and now is shocked that he's involved with other women.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um and I it's funny, you and I were talking about premarital counseling, I think, recently.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yeah.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: That was a podcast like two weeks ago, I think.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: And how uh uh uh premarital couples will uh uh what I call put on rose-colored glasses, where everything is shaped and um influenced by the love they have for the other person.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: So that means you'll uh minimize red flags and over-emphasize commonalities or shared interests.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: So I think that's what this person has done is she wanted the relationship so bad she ignored red flags.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: And now it's like you maybe cross-country sleep in it.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: Well, see that see that I think that's a challenge as therapist because I never want to advocate divorce for someone because I just believe I don't like divorce.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: I I think you can usually solve whatever problems come your way.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: And so a lot of people I think resort to divorce too quickly and too easily.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: And I think similarly, in this uh situation, a lot of times, given what she says, it's like you think, oh my goodness, what were you thinking?
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: Why did you decide to still get married to this guy, given the fact that he was, from your description, having interactions with other women on your wedding day?
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: You could have said professing his love.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you could have just not gone to the altar, but there's all this pressure behind you, right?
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: Like there's all these guests and you've spent all this money.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: So that tells me something about her that that she thinks so low of herself that this is the best she's gonna get.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: There's a man who's in love with someone else.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: So I think she's got more than just a relational issue, she's got some self-perception issues.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: She doesn't she thinks she's worthless, she thinks she's valueless, and she settled for this guy, and then he clearly doesn't care too much about her.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: So, okay, so uh what should she do?
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, given these given these facts that she's described, and she says, what do you suggest I do in this case?
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: The biggest challenge for me is that she's not working and I moved across country.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: So she seems like she wants help with some ideas on what she should do.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: So I have a couple thoughts.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: What do you what are your thoughts?
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: Well, uh, I don't think you should give them an ultimatum, but I will fall back on something I've heard Doc Dave say many times, which is you're not gonna give him an ultimatum, but you're gonna give them information.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like this is uh how I want the relationship to go, where we're honest with each other, we communicate well, we care about each other, we're working on things, or if you're not on board with that, I'm not willing to continue the relationship if it's just gonna continue this direction.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: And then you give space for you give I'm I would say you give uh at least a c four months to see if things can get better, right?
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: Because if you say that and then the next day nothing happens, and then you decide that's it, I'm out.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think that's a reasonable amount of time to give somebody.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: I think um any other I mean I'll let you go if you have any more ideas and then I'll give a couple of things.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: Well, so I think that one of the things that she says is she can't, I think she had said that she can't control her husband.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: And I I defin or she can't change her husband.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: Um I definitely agree with that.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: The one thing I think, and it's very cliche, is that you can change yourself.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: Now, in this situation, again, my my biggest suggestion is that they both seek out a competent marriage and family therapist because I don't think this is something that they're gonna be able to resolve themselves, because I think it's this for him at least from her description, it's been this ongoing, unfaithful like behavior even prior to the marriage.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: And so if if your husband knew that you were okay, that you still liked him or still got married to him, even after you knew that this was happening, chances are he's gonna think, oh, she doesn't think it's a big deal, or what, she just yells and screams a little bit and then she gets over it.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: And so I think that there's gonna be some of that at play in your relationship with him.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: So I think Kate, what you need to do specifically is you need to figure out what you can change yourself.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: And if that means you know, getting empowered to stand up for yourself, if that if that means getting with a therapist to find some strategies to strengthen your marriage, um, either individually or as a couple with a therapist, I think that's something that you do.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: Um I think maybe he's got an issue related to uh maybe he has a uh like an addiction to porn or some type of sexual addiction that he's feeling this need to uh interact with all these women while he's he made vows with you.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: I think ultimately you should definitely seek out a therapist to help you with with the issues because if you don't, it's just gonna get worse.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: And then you don't say whether you have kids.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: And if you don't have kids, I would not bring kids into this relationship because kids are not gonna make it better for you.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, they're gonna probably actually amplify things and make it worse, um, and then it's unfair to the kids because then it's probably gonna end up in some type of divorce.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: So that's that's definitely a a thing to pay attention to, is not have kids.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_01: But ultimately, you can only be in charge of yourself, and so that's the the route that I would take.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: And if he's willing and interested in you, he's probably gonna come along with you on that journey to to fix yourself and ultimately to fix the marriage.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: Um any other thoughts?
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: No, I think that's pretty good.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so you can find me at uh DocDavid on Facebook, or you can email us at Headshrink Inc.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: That's headshrinkinc at gmail.com.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: Where can we find you?
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: So you can check out Brainchild on Podbean, and I'm now on iTunes.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: So check out Brainchild Podcast and then uh my website, Daniel Bates.co.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's got blogs, podcasts, books, the whole nine yards.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: Take care.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: Feel free to email if you have any other questions.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: We are here at headshrinkinc at gmail dot coming.
• 11:44
  unknown: Thank you, playing.