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The Little Princess Chapter 18 - "I Tried Not to Be" · The Frances Hodgson Burnett Library

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Speaker 1: CHAPTER XVIII. I TRIED NOT TO BE It was pretty,
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Speaker 1: comfortable Mrs. Carmichael who explained everything. She was sent for
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Speaker 1: at once, and came across the square to take Sarah
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Speaker 1: into her warm arms and make clear to her all
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Speaker 1: that had happened. The excitement of the totally unexpected discovery
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Speaker 1: had been temporarily almost overpowering to Mr. Carrisford in his
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Speaker 1: weak condition.' Upon my word,' he said faintly to Mr.
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Speaker 1: Carmichael when it was suggested that the little girl should
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Speaker 1: go into another room.' I feel as if I do
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Speaker 1: not want to lose sight of her.'' I will take
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Speaker 1: care of her,' Janet said.' And Mama will come in
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Speaker 1: a few minutes.' And it was Janet who led her away.'
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Speaker 1: We' re so glad you were found,' she said. You don't
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Speaker 1: know how glad we are that you were found. Donald
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Speaker 1: stood with his hands in his pockets and gazed at
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Speaker 1: Sarah with reflecting and self-reproachful eyes. If I'd just asked
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Speaker 1: what your name was when I gave you my sixpence,
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Speaker 1: he said, you would have told me it was Sarah Crewe,
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Speaker 1: and then you would have been found in a minute.
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Speaker 1: Then Mrs. Carmichael came in. She looked very much moved,
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Speaker 1: and suddenly took Sarah in her arms and kissed her.
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Speaker 1: You look bewildered, poor child, she said, and it is
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Speaker 1: not to be wondered at. Sarah could only think of
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Speaker 1: one thing. Was he, she said with a glance toward
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Speaker 1: the closed door of the library. Was he the wicked friend? Oh,
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Speaker 1: do tell me. Mrs. Carmichael was crying as she kissed
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Speaker 1: her again. She felt as if she ought to be
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Speaker 1: kissed very often because she had not been kissed for
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Speaker 1: so long. He was not wicked, my dear. she answered.'
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Speaker 1: He did not really lose your papa's money. He only
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Speaker 1: thought he had lost it, and because he loved him
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Speaker 1: so much, his grief made him so ill that for
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Speaker 1: a time he was not in his right mind. He
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Speaker 1: almost died of brain fever, and long before he began
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Speaker 1: to recover, your poor papa was dead.'' And he did
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Speaker 1: not know where to find me,' murmured Sarah.' And I
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Speaker 1: was so near.' Somehow she could not forget that she
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Speaker 1: had been so near.' He believed you were in school
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Speaker 1: in France, Mrs. Carmichael explained, and he was continually misled
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Speaker 1: by false clues. He has looked for you everywhere. When
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Speaker 1: he saw you pass by, looking so sad and neglected,
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Speaker 1: he did not dream that you were his friend's poor child.
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Speaker 1: But because you were a little girl too, he was
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Speaker 1: sorry for you, and he wanted to make you happier.
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Speaker 1: And he told Ram Dass to climb into your attic
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Speaker 1: window and try to make you comfortable. Sarah gave a
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Speaker 1: start of joy. Her whole look changed. Did Ram Dass
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Speaker 1: bring the things? she cried out. Did he tell Ram
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Speaker 1: Dass to do it? Did he make the dream that
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Speaker 1: came true? Yes, my dear, yes. He is kind and
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Speaker 1: good and he was sorry for you, for little lost
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Speaker 1: Sarah Crewe's sake. The library door opened and Mr. Carmichael appeared,
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Speaker 1: calling Sarah to him with a gesture. Mr. Carrisford is
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Speaker 1: better already, he said. He wants you to come to him.
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Speaker 1: Sarah did not wait. When the Indian gentleman looked at
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Speaker 1: her as she entered, he saw that her face was
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Speaker 1: all alight. She went and stood before his chair, with
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Speaker 1: her hands clasped together against her breast. You sent the
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Speaker 1: things to me, she said in a joyful, emotional little voice.
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Speaker 1: The beautiful, beautiful things, you sent them. Yes, poor dear child,
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Speaker 1: I did, he answered her. He was weak and broken
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Speaker 1: with long illness and trouble, but he looked at her
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Speaker 1: with the look she remembered in her father's eyes, that
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Speaker 1: look of loving her and wanting to take her in
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Speaker 1: his arms. It made her kneel down by him, just
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Speaker 1: as she used to kneel by her father when they
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Speaker 1: were the dearest friends and lovers in the world. Then
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Speaker 1: it is you who are my friend, she said. It
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Speaker 1: is you who are my friend. And she dropped her
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Speaker 1: face on his thin hand, and kissed it again and again.
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Speaker 1: The man will be himself again in three weeks, Mr.
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Speaker 1: Carmichael said aside to his wife. Look at his face already.
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Speaker 1: In fact, he did look changed. Here was the little missus,
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Speaker 1: and he had new things to think of and plan
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Speaker 1: for already. In the first place, there was Miss Minchin.
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Speaker 1: She must be interviewed and told of the change which
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Speaker 1: had taken place in the fortunes of her pupil. Sarah
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Speaker 1: was not to return to the seminary at all, the
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Speaker 1: Indian gentleman was very determined upon that point, she must
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Speaker 1: remain where she was, and Mr. Carmichael should go and
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Speaker 1: see Miss Minchin himself.' I am glad I need not
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Speaker 1: go back,' said Sarah.' She will be very angry. She
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Speaker 1: does not like me, though perhaps it is my fault,
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Speaker 1: because I do not like her.' But, oddly enough, Miss
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Speaker 1: Minchin made it unnecessary for Mr. Carmichael to go to
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Speaker 1: her by actually coming in search of her pupil herself.
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Speaker 1: She had wanted Sarah for something, and on inquiry had
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Speaker 1: heard an astonishing thing. One of the housemaids had seen
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Speaker 1: her steal out of the area with something hidden under
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Speaker 1: her cloak, and had also seen her go up the
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Speaker 1: steps of the next door and enter the house.' What
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Speaker 1: does she mean?' cried Miss Minchin to Miss Amelia.' I
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Speaker 1: don't know, I'm sure, sister,' answered Miss Amelia,' unless she
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Speaker 1: has made friends with him because he has lived in India.'
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Speaker 1: It would be just like her to thrust herself upon
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Speaker 1: him and try to gain his sympathies in some such
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Speaker 1: impertinent fashion, said Miss Minchin. She must have been in
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Speaker 1: the house for two hours. I will not allow such presumption.
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Speaker 1: I shall go and inquire into the matter and apologise
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Speaker 1: for her intrusion. Sarah was sitting on a footstool close
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Speaker 1: to Mr. Carrisford's knee and listening to some of the
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Speaker 1: many things he felt it necessary to try to explain
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Speaker 1: to her when Ram Dass announced the visitor's arrival. Sarah
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Speaker 1: rose involuntarily and became rather pale, but Mr. Carrisford saw
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Speaker 1: that she stood quietly and showed none of the ordinary
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Speaker 1: signs of child terror. Miss Minchin entered the room with
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Speaker 1: a sternly dignified manner. She was correctly and well-dressed, and
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Speaker 1: rigidly polite.' I am sorry to disturb Mr. Carrisford,' she said,'
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Speaker 1: but I have explanations to make. I am Miss Minchin,
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Speaker 1: the proprietress of the young lady's seminary next door.' The
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Speaker 1: Indian gentleman looked at her for a moment, in silent scrutiny.
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Speaker 1: He was a man who had naturally a rather hot temper,
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Speaker 1: and he did not wish it to get too much
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Speaker 1: the better of him.' So you are Miss Minchin?' he said.'
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Speaker 1: I am, sir.'' In that case,' the Indian gentleman replied,'
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Speaker 1: you have arrived at the right time. My solicitor, Mr. Carmichael,
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Speaker 1: was just on the point of going to see you.' Mr.
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Speaker 1: Carmichael bowed slightly and and Miss Minchin looked from him
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Speaker 1: to Mr. Carrisford in amazement.' Your solicitor,' she said.' I
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Speaker 1: do not understand. I have come here as a matter
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Speaker 1: of duty. I have just discovered that you have been
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Speaker 1: intruded upon through the forwardness of one of my pupils,
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Speaker 1: a charity pupil. I came to explain that she intruded
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Speaker 1: without my knowledge.' She turned upon Sarah.' Go home at once,'
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Speaker 1: she commanded indignantly.' You shall be severely punished. Go home
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Speaker 1: at once.' The Indian gentleman drew Sarah to his side
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Speaker 1: and patted her hand.' She is not going.' Miss Minchin
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Speaker 1: felt as if she must be losing her senses.' Not going?'
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Speaker 1: she repeated.' No,' said Mr. Carrisford.' She is not going home,
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Speaker 1: if you give your house that name. Her home for
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Speaker 1: the future will be with me.' Miss Minchin fell back
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Speaker 1: in amazed indignation.' With you? With you, sir? What does
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Speaker 1: this mean?' Kindly explain the matter, Carmichael, said the Indian gentleman,
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Speaker 1: and get it over as quickly as possible. And he
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Speaker 1: made Sarah sit down again and held her hands in his,
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Speaker 1: which was another trick of her papa's. Then Mr. Carmichael explained,
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Speaker 1: in his quiet, level-toned, steady manner of a man who
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Speaker 1: knew his subject and all its legal significance, which was
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Speaker 1: a thing Miss Minchin understood as a businesswoman and did
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Speaker 1: not enjoy. Mr. Carrisford, madam, he said, was an intimate
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Speaker 1: friend of the late Captain Crewe. He was his partner
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Speaker 1: in certain large investments. The fortune which Captain Crewe supposed
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Speaker 1: he had lost has been recovered, and is now in Mr.
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Speaker 1: Carrisford's hands.'' The fortune?' cried Miss Minchin, and she really
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Speaker 1: lost colour as she uttered the exclamation.' Sarah' s fortune?'' It
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Speaker 1: will be Sarah's fortune,' replied Mr. Carmichael rather coldly.' It
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Speaker 1: is Sarah's fortune now, in fact.' Certain events have increased
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Speaker 1: it enormously. The diamond mines have retrieved themselves. The diamond mines?
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Speaker 1: Miss Minchin gasped out. If this was true, nothing so horrible,
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Speaker 1: she felt, had ever happened to her since she was born.
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Speaker 1: The diamond mines? Mr. Carmichael repeated, and he could not
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Speaker 1: help adding, with a rather sly, unlawyer-like smile, There are
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Speaker 1: not many princesses, Miss Minchin, who are richer than your
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Speaker 1: little charity pupil, Sarah Crewe, will be. mr carrisford has
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Speaker 1: been searching for her for nearly two years he has
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Speaker 1: found her at last and he will keep her after
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Speaker 1: which he asked miss minchin to sit down while he
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Speaker 1: explained matters to her fully and went into such detail
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Speaker 1: as was necessary to make it quite clear to her
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Speaker 1: that sarah's future was an assured one, and that what
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Speaker 1: had seemed to be lost was to be restored to
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Speaker 1: her tenfold, also that she had in Mr. Carrisford a
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Speaker 1: guardian as well as a friend. Miss Minchin was not
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Speaker 1: a clever woman, and in her excitement she She was
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Speaker 1: silly enough to make one desperate effort to regain what
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Speaker 1: she could not help seeing she had lost through her
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Speaker 1: worldly folly. He found her under my care, she protested.
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Speaker 1: I have done everything for her, but for me she
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Speaker 1: should have starved in the streets. Here the Indian gentleman
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Speaker 1: lost his temper. As to starving in the streets, he said,
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Speaker 1: she might have starved more comfortably there than in your attic.
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Speaker 1: Captain Crewe left her in my charge. Miss Minchin argued.
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Speaker 1: She must return to it until she is of age.
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Speaker 1: She can be a parlour boarder again. She must finish
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Speaker 1: her education. The law will interfere in my behalf. Come, come,
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Speaker 1: Miss Minchin, Mr. Carmichael interposed. The law will do nothing
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Speaker 1: of the sort. If Sarah herself wishes to return to you,
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Speaker 1: I dare say Mr. Carrisford might not refuse to allow it.
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Speaker 1: But that rests with Sarah. Then, said Miss Minchin, I
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Speaker 1: appeal to Sarah. I have not spoiled you, perhaps, she
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Speaker 1: said awkwardly to the little girl. But you know that
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Speaker 1: your papa was pleased with your progress. And, ahem, I
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Speaker 1: have always been fond of you. Sarah's grey-green eyes fixed
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Speaker 1: themselves on her with the quiet, clear look Miss Minchin
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Speaker 1: particularly disliked. Have you, Miss Minchin? she said. I did
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Speaker 1: not know that. Miss Minchin reddened and drew herself up.
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Speaker 1: You ought to have known it,' said she.' But children, unfortunately,
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Speaker 1: never know what is best for them. Amelia and I
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Speaker 1: always said you were the cleverest child in the school.
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Speaker 1: Will you not do your duty to your poor papa
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Speaker 1: and come home with me?' Sarah took a step toward
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Speaker 1: her and stood still. She was thinking of the day
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Speaker 1: when she had been told that she belonged to nobody
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Speaker 1: and was in danger of being turned into the street.
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Speaker 1: She was thinking of the cold, hungry hours she had
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Speaker 1: spent alone with Emily and Melchizedek in the attic. She
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Speaker 1: looked Miss Minchin steadily in the face. You know why
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Speaker 1: I will not go home with you, Miss Minchin, she said.
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Speaker 1: You know quite well. A hot flush showed itself on
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Speaker 1: Miss Minchin's hard, angry face. You will never see your
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Speaker 1: companions again, she began. I will see that Ermengarde and
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Speaker 1: Lottie are kept away. Mr. Carmichael stopped her with polite firmness.'
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Speaker 1: Excuse me,' he said.' She will see anyone she wishes
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Speaker 1: to see. The parents of Miss Crewe's fellow pupils are
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Speaker 1: not likely to refuse her invitations to visit her at
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Speaker 1: her guardian's house. Mr. Carrisford will attend to that.' It
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Speaker 1: must be confessed that even Miss Minchin flinched. This was
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Speaker 1: worse than the eccentric bachelor uncle who might have a
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Speaker 1: peppery temper and be easily offended at the treatment of
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Speaker 1: his niece.' A woman of sordid mind could easily believe
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Speaker 1: that most people would not refuse to allow their children
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Speaker 1: to remain friends with a little heiress of diamond mines.
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Speaker 1: And if Mr. Carrisford chose to tell certain of her
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Speaker 1: patrons how unhappy Sarah Crewe had been made, many unpleasant
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Speaker 1: things might happen.' You have not undertaken an easy charge,'
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Speaker 1: she said to the Indian gentleman as she turned to
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Speaker 1: leave the room.' You will discover that very soon. The
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Speaker 1: child is neither truthful nor grateful.' I suppose, to Sarah,
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Speaker 1: that you feel now that you are a princess again.
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Speaker 1: Sarah looked down and flushed a little, because she thought
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Speaker 1: her pet fancy might not be easy for strangers, even
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Speaker 1: nice ones, to understand at first. I tried not to
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Speaker 1: be anything else, she answered in a low voice. Even
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Speaker 1: when I was coldest and hungriest, I tried not to be.
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Speaker 1: Now it will not be necessary to try. said Miss
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Speaker 1: Minchin acidly, as Ram Dass salaamed her out of the room.
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Speaker 1: She returned home, and going to her sitting-room, sent at
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Speaker 1: once for Miss Amelia. She sat closeted with her all
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Speaker 1: the rest of the afternoon, and it must be admitted
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Speaker 1: that poor Miss Amelia passed through more than one bad
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Speaker 1: quarter of an hour. She shed a good many tears,
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Speaker 1: and mopped her eyes a good deal. One of her
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Speaker 1: unfortunate remarks almost caused her sister to snap her head
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Speaker 1: entirely off but it resulted in an unusual manner. I
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Speaker 1: am not as clever as you, sister, she said, and
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Speaker 1: I am always afraid to say things to you for
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Speaker 1: fear of making you angry. Perhaps if I were not
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Speaker 1: so timid, it would be better for the school and
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Speaker 1: for both of us. I must say I've often thought
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Speaker 1: it would have been better if you had been less
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Speaker 1: severe on Sarah Crewe and had seen that she was
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Speaker 1: decently dressed and more comfortable. I know she was worked
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Speaker 1: too hard for a child of her age, and I
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Speaker 1: know she was only half-fed. How dare you say such
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Speaker 1: a thing! exclaimed Miss Minchin.' I don't know how I dare,'
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Speaker 1: Miss Amelia answered with a kind of reckless courage.' But
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Speaker 1: now I've begun, I may as well finish, whatever happens
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Speaker 1: to me. The child was a clever child and a
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Speaker 1: good child, and she would have paid you for any
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Speaker 1: kindness you had showed her.'' But you didn't show her any.
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Speaker 1: The fact was, she was too clever for you, and
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Speaker 1: you always disliked her for that reason. She used to
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Speaker 1: see through us both.'' Amelia!' gasped her infuriated elder.' looking
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Speaker 1: as if she would box her ears and knock her
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Speaker 1: cap off, as she had often done to Becky. But
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Speaker 1: Miss Amelia's disappointment had made her hysterical enough not to
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Speaker 1: care what occurred next.' She did! She did!' she cried.'
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Speaker 1: She saw through us both. She saw that you were
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Speaker 1: a hard-hearted, worldly woman, and that I was a weak fool,
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Speaker 1: and that we were both of us vulgar and mean
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Speaker 1: enough to grovel our knees for her money, and behave
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Speaker 1: ill to her because it was taken from her, though
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Speaker 1: she behaved herself like a little princess.' even when she
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Speaker 1: was a beggar. She did, she did, like a little princess.'
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Speaker 1: And her hysterics got the better of the poor woman,
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Speaker 1: and she began to laugh and cry both at once,
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Speaker 1: and rock herself backward and forward.' And now you've lost her,'
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Speaker 1: she cried wildly.' And some other school will get her
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Speaker 1: and her money, and if she were like any other child,
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Speaker 1: she'd tell how she's been treated, and all our pupils
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Speaker 1: would be taken away, and we should be ruined. And
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Speaker 1: it serves us right.' but it serves you right more
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Speaker 1: than it does me, for you are a hard woman,
16:41
Speaker 1: Maria Minchin, you're a hard, selfish, worldly woman. And she
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Speaker 1: was in danger of making so much noise with her
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Speaker 1: hysterical chokes and gurgles that her sister was obliged to
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Speaker 1: go to her and apply salts and sal volatile to
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Speaker 1: quiet her, instead of pouring forth her indignation at her audacity.
16:59
Speaker 1: And from that time forward, it may be mentioned, the
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Speaker 1: elder Miss Minchin actually began to stand a little in
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Speaker 1: awe of a sister, who, while she looked so foolish,
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Speaker 1: was evidently not quite so foolish as she looked, and
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Speaker 1: might consequently break out and speak truths people did not
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Speaker 1: want to hear. That evening, when the pupils were gathered
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Speaker 1: together before the fire in the schoolroom, as was their
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Speaker 1: custom before going to bed, Ermengarde came in with a
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Speaker 1: letter in her hand and a queer expression on her
17:27
Speaker 1: round face. It was queer because, while it was an
17:31
Speaker 1: expression of delighted excitement, It was combined with such amazement
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Speaker 1: as seemed to belong to a kind of shock just received.
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Speaker 1: What is the matter? cried two or three voices at once.
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Speaker 1: Is it anything to do with the row that has
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Speaker 1: been going on? said Lavinia eagerly. There has been such
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Speaker 1: a row in Miss Minchin's room. Miss Amelia has had
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Speaker 1: something like hysterics and has had to go to bed.
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Speaker 1: Ermengarde answered them slowly, as if she were half stunned.
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Speaker 1: I have just had this letter from Sarah. she said,
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Speaker 1: holding it out to let them see what a long
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Speaker 1: letter it was. From Sarah? Every voice joined in that exclamation.
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Speaker 1: Where is she? almost shrieked Jessie. Next door, said Ermengarde,
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Speaker 1: with the Indian gentleman. Where? Where? Has she been sent away?
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Speaker 1: Does Miss Minchin know? Was the row about that? Why
18:26
Speaker 1: did she write? Tell us! Tell us! There was a
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Speaker 1: perfect babble, and Lottie began to cry plaintively. Ermengarde answered
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Speaker 1: them slowly, as if she were half plunged out into what,
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Speaker 1: at the moment, seemed the most important and self-explaining thing.
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Speaker 1: There were diamond mines, she said stoutly. There were! Open
18:50
Speaker 1: mouths and open eyes confronted her. They were real, she
18:54
Speaker 1: hurried on. It was all a mistake about them. Something
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Speaker 1: happened for a time— and Mr. Carrisford thought they were ruined.''
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Speaker 1: Who is Mr. Carrisford?' shouted Jessie.' The Indian gentleman, and
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Speaker 1: Captain Grew thought so too, and he died, and Mr.
19:10
Speaker 1: Carrisford had brain fever and ran away, and he almost died,
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Speaker 1: and he did not know where Sarah was. And it
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Speaker 1: turned out that there were millions and millions of diamonds
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Speaker 1: in the mines, and half of them belonged to Sarah,
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Speaker 1: and they belonged to her when she was living in
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Speaker 1: the attic with no one but Melchizedek for a friend,
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Speaker 1: and the cook ordering her about.' and Mr. Carrisford found
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Speaker 1: her this afternoon, and he has got her in his home,
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Speaker 1: and she will never come back, and she will be
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Speaker 1: more a princess than she ever was, a hundred and
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Speaker 1: fifty thousand times more, and I am going to see
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Speaker 1: her to-morrow afternoon. There!' Even Miss Minchin herself could scarcely
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Speaker 1: have controlled the uproar after this. and though she heard
19:51
Speaker 1: the noise, she did not try. She was not in
19:54
Speaker 1: the mood to face anything more than she was facing
19:56
Speaker 1: in her room while Miss Amelia was weeping in bed.
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Speaker 1: She knew that the news had penetrated the walls in
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Speaker 1: some mysterious manner, and that every servant and every child
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Speaker 1: would go to bed talking about it. So until almost
20:08
Speaker 1: midnight the entire seminary realizing somehow that all rules were
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Speaker 1: laid aside, crowded round Ermengarde in the schoolroom, and heard
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Speaker 1: read and re-read the letter, containing a story which was
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Speaker 1: quite as wonderful as any Sarah herself had ever invented,
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Speaker 1: and which had the amazing charm of having happened to
20:26
Speaker 1: Sarah herself, and the mystic Indian gentleman, in the very
20:30
Speaker 1: next house. Becky, who had heard it also, managed to
20:34
Speaker 1: creep upstairs earlier than usual. She wanted to get away
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Speaker 1: from people and go and look at the little magic
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Speaker 1: room once more. She did not know what would happen
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Speaker 1: to it. It was not likely that it would be
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Speaker 1: left to Miss Minchin. It would be taken away, and
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Speaker 1: the attic would be bare and empty again. Glad as
20:51
Speaker 1: she was for Sarah's sake, she went up the last
20:54
Speaker 1: flight of stairs with a lump in her throat and
20:57
Speaker 1: tears blurring her sight. There would be no fire to-night,
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Speaker 1: and no rosy lamp, no supper— and no princess sitting
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Speaker 1: in the glow reading or telling stories. No princess. She
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Speaker 1: choked down a sob as she pushed the attic door open,
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Speaker 1: and then she broke into a low cry. The lamp
21:18
Speaker 1: was flushing the room, the fire was blazing, the supper
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Speaker 1: was waiting, and Ram Dass was standing smiling into her
21:26
Speaker 1: startled face. Missy Sahib remembered, he said. She told the
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Speaker 1: Sahib all. She wished you to know the good fortune
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Speaker 1: which has befallen her. Behold a letter on the tray.
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Speaker 1: She has written. She did not wish that you should
21:41
Speaker 1: go to sleep unhappy. The Sahib commands you to come
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Speaker 1: to him tomorrow. You are to be the attendant of
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Speaker 1: Missy Sahib. Tonight I take these things back over the roof.
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Speaker 1: And having said this with a beaming face, he made
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Speaker 1: a little salaam and slipped through the skylight with an
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Speaker 1: agile silentness of movement which showed Becky how easily he
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Speaker 1: had done it before. End of chapter 18