Latest / Blue Grit Podcast: The Voice of Texas Law Enforcement / #104- "Overcoming A Demon" with Gordon Fulton Part 2

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#104- "Overcoming A Demon" with Gordon Fulton Part 2 · Blue Grit Podcast: The Voice of Texas Law Enforcement

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: So I never had to worry about hiding the alcohol on my breath, because I always I mean, that was a part of me figuring it out on how to be able to show up to work being intoxicated, or I mean, still shouldn't be showing up hungover because you're not 100% On the last episode of part one of the Blue Grit Podcast of the Blue.
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: Grit Podcast.
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: You ended up telling me do good things, do good things for your troops.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: And then I like to think that I'm trying to live up to that, because I was on third phase of training and it was Easter Sunday morning and he had come into town to see his folks from college.
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: You know, crossing the street guy was speeding about, he was going about 75 and 50, ended up just absolutely just obliterating him.
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: He ended up hitting, uh, the street about 120 feet from the initial impact, bounced went another additional 50 or so feet before he uh crashed into the tree where he eventually passed.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: And the part about the scene that really haunted me and gave me nightmares and just in general prevented me from sleeping wasn't so much image of seeing Paul's body just like hugged up on the tree with his head split open.
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: It was hearing his girlfriend, hearing his friends, hearing his family members that were screaming at the top of their lungs at the scene.
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: I had never heard that kind of ear piercing sorrow.
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: This wave of leaf comes over me on saying you can go to bed.
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: That was a very defeated, that was the most defeated feeling I have ever had was having that happen again and again and again and then also, like I mean some of those nights I mean I didn't have anything to eat all day because of work.
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: So I am feeling it just tenfold.
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: It was the spins and falling down and I'm recognizing I'm like this sucks, this feels like crap.
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: I wake up in the morning and I vomit.
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: Every single morning I feel like absolute crap, even worse so than the night before I go on ahead and I'm self-medicating myself with excedrin and easily 900 milligrams of caffeine before the end of details.
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: That's about about an hour and a half, two hours.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: I'm pounding back that much caffeine so that I can feel normal and stable and alert.
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: And at that point that's when the voice in the back of my head is going see, it's not that bad, you're still here, you're okay.
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: Hell, no, I'm not okay.
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: So I ended up looking it up as to what I was vomiting one day, because I was like what did I eat?
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: Because it looked like I threw up tar.
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: Google in it and it'll find out that when you throw up and it looks like a black tar-like substance, it's because you actually have tearing in your esophageal lining or your stomach and that's blood.
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: That's blood mixed with stomach acid.
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: So I had already found that out, went on and said that can't be true, that can't be me.
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: It must have been some weird that I cooked and ate found out, uh, about two years later, when I finally got help and uh went to rehab, that the doctor's there.
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: I posed the question.
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: I said what does it mean if you end up having a tar like substance when you throw up?
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: So they go that's blood mixed with stomach acid?
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: In my head I'm like, yeah, I already knew that.
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: I guess I just wanted to hear a doctor say it to me and, as it turned out, I actually had slight tearing and damage to my esophagealigning from the amount of times that I threw up and having uh, uh, the acid from from vomiting.
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: Just yeah, multiply it and multiply it with the liquor.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: I mean you're just gonna corrode it.
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah, were you drinking every single day?
• 3:55
  Speaker 3: every single day.
• 3:56
  Speaker 3: Let me ask you it's a dumb question, but growing up and you drink too much and you wake up the next morning and you're like good god, I feel freaking, herby, and it takes two days to recover.
• 4:10
  Speaker 3: And I'm just asking from an ignorant standpoint was there any point where you're like, god bless, I can't keep getting up feeling like hammered shit, I just gotta quit.
• 4:23
  Speaker 3: Or do you?
• 4:23
  Speaker 3: Is that the coping where you load up the caffeine, caffeine, load up the tylenol and excedrin and keep dumping energy drinks or coffee down until you'll you make that hair, the dog, you or whatever you get past that because it seemed like it'd be.
• 4:38
  Speaker 3: It kicks my ass.
• 4:39
  Speaker 3: If I do it once, I can't imagine building that every day, all day, all day.
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: So no, I mean, what you said is exactly the way it is.
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: It kicked my ass every single morning.
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: It wasn't.
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: God bless, you're good, I'll take a break, I know.
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: So you know, it kicked my ass every single day.
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: Probably would have easily, if I was a normal person, would been laid up for like a week with it kicking my ass, that well, but just being able to figure out on how to make myself feel better.
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: You got that just head splitting pain in your head from from the uh um, from the hangover, et cetera.
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: And it works like a champ because it actually has caffeine in it.
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: So that's why it gets into your system faster and people go man, excedrin works quick.
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: It's like well, it better, it's got caffeine so it can work into your bloodstream faster.
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: Did?
• 5:35
  Speaker 3: bourbon start out as your drink of choice.
• 5:38
  Speaker 3: Did it stay that, or did you have to adapt it, trying to hide alcohol on your breath or what is that.
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: So I never had to uh worry about hiding, uh, the alcohol on my breath, because I always I mean, that was a part of me figuring it out on how to be able to show up to work without being intoxicated or I mean, still shouldn't be showing up hungover not not a hundred percent, but because I bought a bunch of little mini breathalyzers and I actually used a bunch of sick days, um, cause I would end up waking up.
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: I'm like man, I don't, I don't feel like I normally do, which is just absolute dog shit, and that that was a red flag If I didn't feel like shit and that that was a red flag if I didn't feel like absolute crap, I'm most likely still intoxicated.
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: So, wow, so I ended up again breathalyzers to start figuring out, okay, how much can I drink and at what time do I have to stop drinking, so that then I can end up getting my sleep, wake up and then go to work.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: Because when it comes to leaving to go to work, I keep a very, very strict schedule for myself, because I hate even showing up two minutes late, like you always have those officers that are like, hey, sorry, I'm gonna be two minutes late traffic.
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: I'm always there 10-15 minutes early because I don't want to be late ever, even going through your drinking.
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: We were always punctual, even even going through my drinking.
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: Um, I mean that, I mean it could have been that I was just saving face, but really that's just how I was.
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: It was if you're early, you're on top.
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: That was how things were with my dad, my coaches, everybody was you show up early and then you're on top.
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: So I had to keep that up.
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: So I would end up getting the little mini breathalyzers and I knew that they weren't accurate more than once.
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: So basically you could get a pack of like five for $25, $30 from Amazon.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: So I'd end up getting those and I started basically using myself as an experiment.
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: Okay, how much do I normally drink?
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: Okay, I drink about a fifth, so let's start drinking at this time I would drink, and then general three-hour window for an entire fifth is what it became.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: But finding out as to when that stopping point was was breathalyzer, and it actually would be about, because I'd end up setting my alarms to make sure I'd wake up earlier than normal so I could see where I was at.
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: I literally made myself into a science experiment with this, and it was probably about an hour or two before I wake up through metabolization and whatnot that it would be.
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: I'd be triple zeroed out.
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: So that's how I ended up figuring that out.
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: I had a few on hand where, if I woke up and I was a little worried, use it.
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: Okay, I'm triple zeroed out.
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: We're good to rock and roll.
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: Let's go ahead and get the et cetera.
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: Let's get all that caffeine into me so that we can continue on with life.
• 8:37
  Speaker 3: You generally don't get REM and deep sleep when you're hammered, when you're hammered Um.
• 8:42
  Speaker 3: So even though you were scheduling proper time and and late you, you're probably not resting well, not getting healthy sleep.
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: No, not at all.
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: Um, and I can't remember who ended up, uh, doing the uh, the experiments and all that, but that was something I ended up learning at rehab was how it ended up affecting you mentally, physically, and the uh, the mental part with being able to sleep.
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: You're not getting REM sleep, so you're not dreaming, your brain's not operating like it.
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: Should that actually led into other problems for me?
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: Because eventually your body is going to just need to crash out and you're going to hit that REM sleep way harder than normal at a certain point because of everything that I've seen and everything I dealt with in terms of not dealing with it right.
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: Those images would end up hitting me like a freight train and I mean I would actually wake up screaming from just the images and the nightmares and then the random made up scenarios in my head, because now everything that I have been suppressing on those random days where that REM would just come in as hard as possible, it would absolutely just shake me to my core while sleeping.
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: Even so, you're essentially functioning alcoholic as a full-time dallas police officer, going out and solving everybody else's problems and not wanting to face this, this major problem no, never.
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: because if you end up, because if you end up asking for help, why?
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: Why are you trying to help other people?
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: If you need help, you have to be the master of everything, and it'd be good, good at being at Dallas police department.
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: You'd been there through some, some administration, uh, changes.
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: Yes, At some point you felt the need and felt comfortable enough to reach out and say, hey, I've got a problem here.
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: Um, and as a cop, it just like you said, asking for help.
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: That didn't exist for us because we're supposed to be these superheroes and you just don't do that.
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: You don't mix personal shit with business for the fear of retaliation.
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: Let's just call it what it is.
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: At what point did that change and at what point did you feel comfortable to reach out to somebody at DPD and say, hey, I've got this issue and talk about the aspect of how they helped you?
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: So my reaching out and asking for help.
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: It ended up starting.
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: About a week before I ended up actually asking for help, an email came on through department-wide from Chief Garcia.
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: There was a couple of high-profile individuals on the department who ended up getting arrested for alcohol-related incidents and then subsequently they got fired.
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: He recognized there was a problem.
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: He said this needs to change.
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: I want everybody to come up with an idea.
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: I need this fixed.
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: I need this to stop or give people a chance with an idea.
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: I need this fixed.
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: I need this to stop or give people a chance.
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: Chief Ramirez jumped ahead and he got a hold of the wellness unit and they made the alcohol leave program, which would afford officers that came forward stating that they needed help because of alcohol-related issues prior to any administrative or legal problems, that they got themselves into saying I need help before, not I got arrested for dwi.
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: I could use some help now.
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: Now it allowed for 30 days of paid administrative leave to an inpatient facility.
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: I got that email sitting at home with my wife bourbon in my hand and I went this is a crock of shit.
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: I, honest to god, felt and believed just because, as most of us have, mistrust with any administration, doesn't matter who it is.
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: This is just a way to go on ahead and get people just put out there in the spotlight so then that they can just be just belittled and damned and demeaned, sent to the auto pound, sent to the uh property room, which there's no problem with those places, but they're generally used as punitive measures because it keeps you out of the public eye in a general way.
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: So that initial email didn't resonate with you at all.
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: It did not at all.
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: It didn't resonate with you at all.
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: It did not at all.
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: It didn't resonate with anybody that I knew, because we were all most of the department was on the exact same mindset of.
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: This seems like a trap.
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: This does not seem like it's going to be the safe haven that it's putting itself out to be.
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: Did that initial?
• 13:21
  Speaker 3: email say or did it come out later that if you take the proactive step before an IA or before getting in trouble, you get 30 days paid leave and you return right back to your role without punitive, without discipline or any of that?
• 13:39
  Speaker 3: Or is that something that came about later?
• 13:40
  Speaker 3: Did that first email say that?
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: So I don't recall that part of the of the email.
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: In fact, I didn't even realize that there would be no kind of punitive actions, um, in any way shape or form, or being held back from positions until after I had, uh, gone out of rehab.
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: But that initial email was the very beginning of me asking for help, because it was just a little nugget in the back of my mind.
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: I brought it up to my wife because I just wanted to put out there to her that I thought this was crap.
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: And a week goes by and nothing, except for the actual grace of God, ended up making me reach out for help.
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: My wife was the very first person I reached out to for help.
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: We're just sitting there.
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: It's another normal day.
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: I have my drink and, for no reason that I can end up explaining, I end up sitting my drink down.
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: I lean forward on the couch and I say Megan, I have something we need to talk about.
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: She knew that I drank, but she had no idea how much I drank because after we started living together I hid it from her.
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: Like most alcoholics, I would end up having it off to the side or behind her back, so I could end up getting my drinks and I knew that she's with me so she can smell the alcohol.
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: So I have my little drink in my hand hand, so that would explain why I smell like alcohol, just not how much I was drinking.
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: But I set it down and I ended up telling her we have something I need to talk about and we have a lengthy discussion and I needed help for probably about four years.
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: But the last two years was, uh, when my drinking got absolutely out of control.
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: After we ended up talking, she ended up, uh, looking over at me and she was like, just point blank.
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: She's like, do you need help?
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: I said yes.
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: I was like I have needed help for years.
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: Was that almost impossible to submit?
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: It probably would have been if I was drunker or some more sober.
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: I was in a weird window, I would say, of buzz and honesty and breaking down at the same time.
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: And she ended up telling me you're going to go talk to your sergeant tomorrow morning.
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: So I wake up, throw up, get my Excedrin, start lying to myself again.
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: You're okay, everything's fine, not feeling that bad, let's just keep on everything the same.
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: My wife left for work the same time around.
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: I did back then and when she was getting ready to leave, she ended up reminding me she's like you're going to go talk to your sergeant today.
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: Damn it.
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: She remembered.
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: Well, my sergeant would have remembered also, because apparently, while I was drunk, I ended up texting her saying, uh, just right then.
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: And there, hey, when, uh, we finished detail, I need to talk to you about something.
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: Do you mind us, uh, having a conversation?
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: So I'd already gone ahead and asked her.
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: I didn't realize that till those dang drunk texts I know All right, I'd already gone ahead and asked her.
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: I didn't realize that those dang drunk texts, I know right, they get you every time.
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: But I didn't realize that until I was going to work.
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: And then I'll check my email and I ended up seeing that there was a reply.
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: It just said okay, that's when I saw that I had texted her that I wanted this meeting and I was like, okay, so this meeting's going to happen.
• 17:00
  Speaker 3: Yes, so let me ask you you're having a bourbon.
• 17:03
  Speaker 3: You see the email A week later.
• 17:05
  Speaker 3: I'm assuming those next six or seven days were rinse and repeat, drink, get sick, go to work, drink, blah, blah and then you're sitting there with your wife having a bourbon.
• 17:16
  Speaker 3: What changed that day from those previous six to make you lean forward and say I'm going to, we're doing this?
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: previous six to make you lean forward and say I'm gonna, we're doing this.
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: So this is actually why I end up saying that it was.
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: It was divine intervention on this.
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: So my entire life I was I grew up and I was raised catholic, and a part of being catholic is understanding the uh, the um eucharistic sacrament, like we believe that it is the body and blood of Jesus Christ that has been transfigured, with the blessing.
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: A part of accepting it is basically going to confession, being right with God.
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: I didn't feel right with God because after July 7th had happened, I had completely abandoned my faith.
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: I had completely abandoned God.
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: I started going to church again because of my wife, but I wasn't accepting the Eucharist because in my heart I deep down knew I wasn't right with God.
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: The day that I ended up reaching out to Megan for help, the one thing that had changed and was different was it was a Sunday.
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: We had gone to church.
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: Something deep down in my heart didn't tell me to go up to the priest, cross my arms, my chest, for a blessing.
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: Something told me to accept the Eucharist and I hadn't accepted it in years because I hadn't been right with God.
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: And after I had accepted it.
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: That was hours later that night when I ended up telling my wife that I needed help.
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: So I firmly and fully believe that it was God that ended up helping just kick that domino forward to get this chain of events started, to get me help.
• 18:59
  Speaker 3: So you get to work, sergeant reminds you y'all are having a meeting.
• 19:02
  Speaker 3: How'd that go?
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: So I'm going to say her name, because I told her I'm going to be giving her praise every single time Her and Chief Ramirez and Chief Garcia, sergeant Figueroa and Joe King.
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: And Sergeant, she's not a sergeant anymore, she's a lieutenant Lieutenant Valentine.
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: She ended up coming into her office and I sit down and or, prior to me sitting down, I go on ahead and I closed the door.
• 19:31
  Speaker 3: Were y'all close as work goes, or was it just a distant sergeant patrol?
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: It was.
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: It was close.
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: It was closer than a patrol sergeant and troop relationship because I was a part of the violent crime task force that Chief Garcia had started and she was the lieutenant over there, started as a sergeant and then she stayed in the position when she promoted to lieutenant.
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: So she hand-selected me and four others.
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: She looked at our entire work histories, talked to supervisors, wanted to see how we wrote reports, and then hand-selected us from a pool of a couple hundred people that had applied.
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: So we had a little bit closer of a relationship and she had actually seen me in action at work.
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: On one day she was on a different watch on the same channel as me and it was an armed gunman call that we ended up having a standoff with him in the hallway of a hotel and so she'd gotten to see me do that.
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: But it was well.
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't say it was a very close relationship that we had at that time, but it was definitely closer than most supervisor subordinate relationships because we have to be that close when we're that small of a.
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: Yeah right.
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: So I end up closing the door and I sit down and we said valentine realized that there was something wrong right there because I'm always somebody that I like to joke around.
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: I like to have fun, mainly because I feel like I want to see other people smile, because, well, somebody who's feeling horrible doesn't want people brought down to their level generally makes you happy to see people happy at least for a short minute.
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: So I end up shutting the door and she recognizes there's already something wrong.
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: There's no way I could possibly try to explain to her my mindset, because my mind's all over the place as to how I got to where I was.
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: So I just I did.
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: I broke down crying in front of her and said everything in the most incoherent way possible of needing help, and when I finished I just told her I don't know who I need to reach out to.
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: I need help, please, please, help me.
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: She looked at me and she ended up telling me she goes.
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: I'm not sure who to reach out to, but she goes.
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: I'm going to find out for you, I'm going to call you and we're going to get this figured out.
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: Now she didn't look at me in a way of just like trying to shuffle me off to the side because now I'm a problem or a person that has a problem that's going to cause her issues, especially in a unit, specialized unit, that's brand new.
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean we had no funding really, because it was that new deal.
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: It was a pilot still.
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: So she ended up, uh, reaching out and found and got the wellness in the officer wellness longevity unit, the owl unit, which was also a newer unit that had started, got ahold of Joe King and the next thing I knew I'm getting phone calls from Joe King, sergeant Figueroa, they're asking me questions on how I had gone to where I was, and then asked me to comment.
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: I go in, I sit down with them, they go on ahead and they give me a breakdown of how the program actually works.
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: And this is all on duty.
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: This is all on duty.
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: This is.
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: This is a same day.
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: And and the following morning, joe King have a shirt on.
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: It looked like it was painted on.
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah, fan is very medium.
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: The fan is very it's medium.
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: He is very muscular.
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: He shops at Baby Cap.
• 23:07
  Speaker 3: He's good, he's always showing off the cobras, the big pythons he has.
• 23:11
  Speaker 3: If I had him, I would show him off too.
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: I would as well.
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: But yeah, so I end up going into their office and it's a closed door meeting and at this point all they're saying is hey, are you the officer that works for Lieutenant Valentine or Sergeant Valentine?
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: At the time they didn't know my name, really, they didn't know anything about me, and until I walked through their door that's how much anonymity that they're giving to this entire program.
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: When I went through their door, nobody knows why I'm there, because I could be there asking for resources, just to hang out or anything else of the X, y and Z and above.
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: So they ended up talking to me behind closed doors inside the office and basically, at that moment in time, the only people that knew that I was needing help was Joe, their lieutenant, my lieutenant and the rest of the entire department.
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: I was number two, that's all I was listed as, for anonymity sake.
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: And HIPAA, I was just listed as number two.
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: You walked through that door and sat there for a minute, did you realize you had just walked into what that email was about uh, I realized I had walked into probably the end of my career, because remember my mindset that email was I'm done, it's rigged, I am, I am.
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: I am a senior corporal at this time who got and selected for a specialized unit.
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: I used to have fun on the streets chasing bad guys.
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: I was a part of the vice enforcement section for a short while.
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: All that's done.
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: I'm now going to be sidelined forever.
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: But deep down I was like it doesn't matter, I need this help Again.
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: Didn't help that I was very, very fearful as to what would happen with my career, but I knew.
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: I knew I needed this and I walked into that door.
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: So you're, you're at, you're sitting there with Joe King and in the, in the Al unit, and at some point there you're like this is, this is the game plan, this is what's going to happen, and talk about the experience of that.
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: So when I was sitting there they were still vetting out different rehabilitation centers and trying to get it pinpointed down as to what does the administrative leave days mean.
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: Originally I was going to be scheduled to going to I believe it's called Warrior's Heart.
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: That was actually the first one that they were originally going to schedule me for.
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: When I got off the phone call interview with the administrator over at their place, they ended up informing me that it's 42 days at their facility for inpatient.
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: That was a bit of an issue because our administrative leave policy was for 30 days.
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: That was a bit of an issue because our administrative leave policy was for 30 days.
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: We ended up coming to get clarification after the fact and I could have gone to Warrior's Heart if I wanted to the next day.
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: But we found out that it's not 30 straight calendar days, it's 30 work days.
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: So when you end up adding it up it extends past the actual regular 30 days of a calendar.
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: So that would actually map out to being able to cover those 42 days.
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: So after I had gotten the phone call from them, they said there's 40 days.
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: I was like I need to give um joe joe a call because this seems like an issue, ended up calling him and he's like, okay, well, there's this other place called La Hacienda in Hun, texas.
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: And then he mentioned two others.
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: One was in California that they were vetting, and then there was one that was really close by and I didn't want to do one that was incredibly close by because I was like I need to isolate myself from any kind of temptation Yep, extremely smart.
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: I'll tell you need to.
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: I need to isolate myself from any kind of temptation yep, extremely smart, I think so.
• 27:08
  Speaker 1: Ended up uh, going to, uh, saying all right, let's go to hunt texas, uh, and and have this done there.
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: It was an incredibly grueling one week.
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: It was one week to the day from when I said it was one week to the day from when I said we're going to do this to.
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: I got in the car the dead of night with, uh, uh, our Sergeant Massey and Figueroa, and they drove me down because they asked do you want to drive yourself down?
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: Do you want your fiance to drive you down?
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: Or, um, do you want us to drive you down?
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: I told them just flat out know myself, if I drive down, I will convince myself at a certain point to turn around.
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: If my wife drives me down or, at the time, my fiance she drives me down, there's a good chance that I couldn't change her mind to turn around.
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: But I knew that if I ever got the opportunity to, I would have tried to get her to turn that car around.
• 28:11
  Speaker 3: I think she's back there and she just said no, oh no.
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: That's why I said there's probably a good chance I wouldn't be able to get in.
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: If the opportunity was there, I definitely would have tried to do what.
• 28:20
  Speaker 3: I take it yeah, yeah so that's some great recognition on your part of I don't want to be in a facility close to home and I probably need somebody stubborn to drive me down there.
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: Well, I also needed somebody.
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: That outranked me because that might keep my asset line on actually following through with making it from point A to point B, which I had to tell Sergeant Fig that the one place because they had to.
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: It's about a five-hour drive from Dallas, so there's one stop off that they have to make for gas and I had to tell them.
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: I didn't have to tell them, but I still told Fig about a couple months after the podcast, I was like, don't stop there and then go on ahead and leave the alcoholic alone in the bathroom, with an actual exit in the bathroom, because I actually considered going out that door and he looked at me and he went, oh, oh, I didn't even think about that.
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: I was like, yeah, thought crossed my mind.
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: We stopped off, rest, stop, hit the head, hit gas.
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: I hit the head big, leaves out the bathroom before me and I'm just looking at the door going.
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: I really don't want to do this.
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: I didn't want to do it as soon as I sat in their car at headquarters to drive down Like I was already having full anxiety.
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: Just, I don't want to do this.
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: I want to back out now and being left alone to have an escape route.
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: I was like I get why people try to run from us all the time.
• 29:52
  Speaker 2: Wow, but had you been drinking, since you'd made the out Because there had been a couple of days?
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: I drank heavier than I had in my entire life For that week.
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: For that week, yeah, wow, in my entire life For that week.
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: For that week, yeah, wow.
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: The lowest amount I ended up drinking that week was the night before and that actually led to some issues.
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: When I first got to the rehabilitation center, my wife she was going to drive me to headquarters so that then they could pick me up and take me down to Hunt Texas and I don't know why I was thinking she already thinking I've already admitted that I'm an alcoholic.
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: I need help.
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: I can't control my drinking.
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: I still wanted to hide it that night before, so I stopped off at the liquor store and I got myself and it makes me so sad that I ended up getting this Instead of getting bourbon.
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: I ended up getting eight of the little 99 proof shot vodka bottles and I just ended up pounding back all eight of those and I mean they.
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: It shot back like water.
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: It tastes like absolutely nothing for me and it didn't even hit me all that hard.
• 30:58
  Speaker 1: But what turned into an issue was that was about 8 pm when I I ended up taking those drinks About 8.30-ish when we ended up showing up at La Hacienda 9-9.15, when they took me to the medical center for evaluation and they're seeing my blood pressure and they're seeing my heart rate and it is absolutely something along the lines of like 180 over 120 is my blood pressure and a resting heart rate of 125.
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: God, and they asked me they're like when was the last time you drank?
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: And I was like at eight.
• 31:35
  Speaker 1: They go so about an hour ago and I go no, 8 pm Now.
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: They already had my history from when I told them on the phone how much I drank.
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: They were hoping I was lying.
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: They ended up pulling out their breathalyzer and I was triple-drawered out.
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: And now they're worried because, as I got to find out, they want you to be driven there and show up intoxicated so then they can safely wean you off and get you down to zero so that your rehabilitation can start there.
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: I got to find out that detoxing from alcohol is more lethal than people detoxing off of heroin.
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: I did not.
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: I did not know that was a thing.
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: I was like heroin's the king of killers when you try to get off it.
• 32:16
  Speaker 1: No, it turns out it's alcohol really drawn out.
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: So they ended up considering, uh, taking me out of their emergency care center that they have on site with doctors to go take me to a legitimate er.
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: So they ended up, uh, throwing a ativan down my throat to be able to help me detox, and normally you're in there for about one or one day, sometimes two, for observation, and all that unless you're really bad off, like I was.
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: I ended up staying in there for four to five days, and I mean four to five days.
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: Nights just blood pressure cuff on you again, woken up three to four times a night sure that you're not dead still not getting that rinse, still not getting that sleep.
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: The only positive part was, I mean, the ativan, because they get you onto there so then they can taper you off so that now you're not going to just have a heart attack and die from the detox.
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: I was getting driven around in a golf cart to all the different meetings, so that was the one positive aspect.
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: I'm like I can't sleep, but I don't have to walk, I guess yeah.
• 33:24
  Speaker 2: So you're kind of cut off from outside world.
• 33:29
  Speaker 2: When, when, when you're there, um, you go through the rehab process, still getting a paycheck, or your wife or fiance at that point in time is still being supported financially from you being at DPD, what was it like?
• 33:43
  Speaker 2: Graduating and going back home, of kind of happening now, now there's the test, right, you can go through rehab and you can ask for help, but the test is returning back home into your environment and continuing to say no.
• 33:54
  Speaker 2: Talk about the experience of that and talk about the going back to work.
• 33:59
  Speaker 2: So I.
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: I immediately recognized.
• 34:04
  Speaker 1: Even on the day that, or the day before I was going to be released to go back home, I was like.
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: I was like I feel great, everything's fine.
• 34:13
  Speaker 1: I was like I've never felt better before and I have a zero desire to have a drink.
• 34:18
  Speaker 1: And then I'm realizing I'm like I'm in a fucking bubble.
• 34:21
  Speaker 1: I was like, of course I don't want to drink.
• 34:24
  Speaker 1: There's no fucking opportunity for me to drink.
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: I was like I can have water, coffee or soda.
• 34:29
  Speaker 1: I was like that's, that's my only option.
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: So obviously I don't want alcohol.
• 34:33
  Speaker 1: Completely sanitized environment oh, very much so I was.
• 34:36
  Speaker 1: So I was already realizing that, um, this is going to be harder, but at least I got that into my head of where I'm not invincible.
• 34:43
  Speaker 1: I took that to heart from the counselors.
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: It was like when you leave, that's going to be the bigger issue Immediately.
• 34:48
  Speaker 1: Get yourself an AA group, get yourself a support network if you don't have one, and just wrap yourself in those for at least the next six months, because if you make it six months, your chances of relapsing dwindle just exponentially.
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: If you're going to relapse, 80% of the people it's within the first six months of getting sober.
• 35:10
  Speaker 1: So I ended up getting out and immediately, um, sanitization of the environment is completely gone because there's already house issues that were happening while I was in rehab that I even got told about, with the plumbing completely breaking.
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: So I can't even go back home, I'm having to go to my fiance's townhouse.
• 35:32
  Speaker 1: That might've been a good thing in itself, because my house was my drinking environment, yeah, so I actually got myself removed from there, um, maintaining the uh, the sobriety outside.
• 35:50
  Speaker 1: I want to say it was easy, but it's not, it wasn't um, I had a very good fortune of finding um at the time, a good temporary uh home group for, uh, for, and then when I ended up moving up back to uh, my house after the plumbing was fixed, I ended up getting uh my home group there.
• 36:12
  Speaker 1: That was very, very supportive, very helpful.
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: My sponsor, uh unbelievable guy, um, but it there was a lot of.
• 36:23
  Speaker 1: I didn't.
• 36:23
  Speaker 1: I wasn't prepared for the stress.
• 36:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah, as soon as the stress started uh coming and hitting in waves, I wanted to have a drink.
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: But that very, very first day after getting out of rehab, getting settled, I wanted to go back to work.
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: So I wanted that normalcy.
• 36:40
  Speaker 1: Yep, that was probably the best day that I had ever had, because after I got out, I had kind of a debrief with joe and fig and I found out no, you're going to be able to go back to your unit, this isn't going to affect your ability to promote, which were the two biggest things that I had to worry about.
• 36:57
  Speaker 1: I also thought that they were going to keep me from going back for like an observation period, I would say right, you kept waiting for that underlying hey, we got you, we got you.
• 37:08
  Speaker 2: Moment.
• 37:08
  Speaker 1: It's really what kind of what you're waiting on.
• 37:09
  Speaker 1: And I was actually trying to get them to give it to me early because I wanted to be able to say like I knew that there was something wrong with the program.
• 37:16
  Speaker 1: Because they said they said okay, so you have the 30 days of administrative leave.
• 37:21
  Speaker 1: You've only used X number of days, because I didn't use the full 30 administrative days, because I used 30 calendar days for when I was in rehab.
• 37:31
  Speaker 1: So I ended up telling them I was like I want to go back to work.
• 37:34
  Speaker 1: And they go, what do you mean?
• 37:36
  Speaker 1: I go, I want to go back to my unit tomorrow.
• 37:38
  Speaker 1: I want to start feeling normal, get back on the horse.
• 37:42
  Speaker 1: I fully expected them to uh, to balk or to be a bluff and them to say no, no, you can't, you have to stay off.
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: We need to lean you back into it.
• 37:53
  Speaker 1: You're going to be, you're going to be working the station at a different uh substation, away from your group, just so you can get back into the habit and then get forgot about.
• 38:01
  Speaker 1: I was expecting all of that.
• 38:02
  Speaker 1: Instead, I just got, are you sure?
• 38:04
  Speaker 1: And I'll go.
• 38:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah, all right, I'm looking around, I'm going.
• 38:10
  Speaker 1: Where's the punchline?
• 38:11
  Speaker 1: I was like I was like I can Damn that email was right.
• 38:14
  Speaker 1: So so I ended up going on ahead and, uh, I go to work the next 16 hours after uh having been released, having been released, I'm going to work and finding out that I'm going to be serving a warrant on this dope house, that they were also going after guns in it as well.
• 38:33
  Speaker 1: I'm like what the heck?
• 38:35
  Speaker 1: I was like yeah, I had to be perimeter because they had been working it, but I still got to go on a warrant right after nothing happened.
• 38:45
  Speaker 1: Did it feel good to?
• 38:47
  Speaker 3: did it feel weird to be at work and feel good?
• 38:52
  Speaker 1: Yes, um, it didn't, cause you hadn't in what?
• 38:56
  Speaker 1: Four years?
• 38:56
  Speaker 1: No, uh, no, I hadn't.
• 38:59
  Speaker 1: I hadn't felt like that in four years.
• 39:02
  Speaker 1: Basically, it felt like something was kind of itchy on the back of the head, you know, like when you go to scratch you just can't get it.
• 39:08
  Speaker 1: It just keeps like bothering you.
• 39:10
  Speaker 1: It felt like there was something weird, like I was having fun, I was still enjoying it, but it just felt like something was wrong and something was off, just because actual normal wasn't normal for me, my normal was abnormal.
• 39:24
  Speaker 1: So, yeah, that was that.
• 39:27
  Speaker 1: That was a very weird part.
• 39:29
  Speaker 1: Feeling good, feeling actually good.
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: Mind you, I couldn't enjoy feeling good because I'm too busy thinking something's wrong when there's nothing wrong.
• 39:38
  Speaker 1: I had to actually get used to feeling good.
• 39:42
  Speaker 1: Two questions feeling good.
• 39:47
  Speaker 3: Two questions.
• 39:48
  Speaker 3: I've never gotten to talk to somebody that's gone through the process at length.
• 39:51
  Speaker 3: That was in law enforcement.
• 39:52
  Speaker 3: You're there 30 days.
• 39:54
  Speaker 3: I know the first part of it has to feel like physical, mental, emotional hell.
• 40:02
  Speaker 3: Um, is there a point during that 30 days where you're like man the clouds are breaking, the sun's coming out, there's light at the end of my tunnel, I actually feel pretty good.
• 40:15
  Speaker 3: Or is the whole thing pretty much a rough, rocky road?
• 40:20
  Speaker 3: What does that look like?
• 40:23
  Speaker 1: So I mean the way you ended up describing it was, um, at the end there is pretty much it.
• 40:30
  Speaker 1: I mean I should have brought it.
• 40:33
  Speaker 1: So I have, uh, an ATF photo of myself from when I ended up getting, uh, my short barrel rifle after I had gone out.
• 40:49
  Speaker 1: I look like shit, really.
• 40:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah, like I looked incredibly rough immediately coming out.
• 40:55
  Speaker 1: It did not help that I was uh that I had a handlebar mustache that came down past my, my lips down to my chin, but I mean my, I mean my eyes were eyes were.
• 41:08
  Speaker 1: I mean I had big old bags under my eyes.
• 41:10
  Speaker 1: They were dark circles under there.
• 41:12
  Speaker 1: I looked horrifically exhausted.
• 41:15
  Speaker 1: I looked how I should have looked every morning hungover.
• 41:19
  Speaker 1: But, yeah, going through it.
• 41:21
  Speaker 1: I mean there were, there were days where I was like I was like I feel like I can breathe fresh air, but it was always rocky, like cause this?
• 41:30
  Speaker 1: This isn't my life.
• 41:31
  Speaker 1: My life was drinking.
• 41:32
  Speaker 1: That's what I did I woke up to and I went to work so I could go home to drink.
• 41:38
  Speaker 1: So the mental aspect and the hurdles that I was having to do to recognize what is normal is weird.
• 41:45
  Speaker 1: It's basically like trying to see somebody get unbrainwashed from a call.
• 41:50
  Speaker 3: So my second question a bottle of bourbon a day?
• 41:53
  Speaker 3: What does a liquor bill per week look like?
• 41:56
  Speaker 3: If you don't mind sharing, liquor bill per week.
• 42:02
  Speaker 1: Um, I actually did in, uh, in rehab.
• 42:06
  Speaker 1: Um, god, what was it?
• 42:09
  Speaker 1: Because I'm sure somebody can end up doing the math a lot better than than me.
• 42:12
  Speaker 1: Um, it was a fifth of woodford reserve every single day, the uh, the regular, not the rye, um, and then two to three handles of maker's mark on the weekend.
• 42:24
  Speaker 1: Well, I didn't have to go into work, so it was true, so I could just wake up and drink instead of having to have caffeine.
• 42:30
  Speaker 1: I had a full 24 hours for two days in a row that I could drink.
• 42:34
  Speaker 1: Um, god forbid, I ended up, uh, running out while I had a handle.
• 42:38
  Speaker 1: I couldn't go drive.
• 42:40
  Speaker 1: Yeah, um, god, what was it?
• 42:42
  Speaker 1: I can't remember if it was something like.
• 42:44
  Speaker 1: I think.
• 42:47
  Speaker 1: I think I did it for a month.
• 42:48
  Speaker 1: With my math, it was somewhere around like $2,500 to $3,500 a month.
• 42:53
  Speaker 1: I was spending on liquor.
• 42:54
  Speaker 1: Wow, you got a raise.
• 42:57
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yes, I did, wow, but I was also sometimes upcharging because COVID brought one of the greatest, worst things to ever happen to an alcoholic known to man, which was liquor delivery service.
• 43:12
  Speaker 3: Oh, yeah, yep.
• 43:14
  Speaker 2: Wow, like door dashing, door dash strictly for liquor, wow yeah, and Chili's margaritas will do that too, like restaurants will do it.
• 43:22
  Speaker 2: You've heard of it.
• 43:24
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I've heard of it.
• 43:24
  Speaker 2: I've partaken in that one months before at a big party.
• 43:28
  Speaker 1: You've heard of it.
• 43:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I've heard of rovers.
• 43:30
  Speaker 1: I've partaken of that one once before at a big party.
• 43:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah, my monthly bill is probably around $2,500 to $3,200 to $3,500 a month.
• 43:39
  Speaker 2: But what's crazy is knowing some people that have been through what you went through me being the son of an alcoholic that ultimately cost my dad his life he had cirrhosis of the liver, liver and he couldn't shake that demon.
• 43:48
  Speaker 2: To see you where you are today, to be really the icon of, of somebody in a movement, of, of saying, hey, it's okay to not be okay and survive.
• 44:01
  Speaker 2: That man kudos to you.
• 44:03
  Speaker 2: Um, I never understood why dad couldn't kick the habit.
• 44:07
  Speaker 2: You know there were plenty of times where I played sports like you did and he wouldn't show up for.
• 44:12
  Speaker 2: I never understood why dad couldn't kick the habit.
• 44:14
  Speaker 2: You know there were plenty of times where I played sports like you did and he wouldn't show up for any of my games, and there was a lot of anger built up there and I never understood it and still don't understand it, quite honestly of how you can let something control you so bad to not see your kids or not experience that.
• 44:25
  Speaker 2: And so to see where you are today, to come out on the other side more successful, more determined, more focused, Um, and it's, it's, it's truly is remarkable, truly is remarkable.
• 44:37
  Speaker 2: So and and it, it saved your life.
• 44:39
  Speaker 2: I mean again, we just buried dad three years ago, uh, from from his disease, and so to see where today, man it's, uh, it's incredible.
• 44:56
  Speaker 1: So.
• 44:56
  Speaker 1: So I ended up getting uh sober on October, uh 5th 2022, and it's uh 2025, march.
• 44:59
  Speaker 1: So that at math, there's about seven more months until I hit my uh three-year mark.
• 45:01
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that this, this three-year mark for me, has got to be more significant than the one year or two year to me because of one thing that ended up getting told to me when I was in rehab so when you get there, you have blood tests done left and right.
• 45:14
  Speaker 1: I mean, there's no real way to test the liver without a biopsy, but through the blood you can end up seeing the liver enzymes.
• 45:20
  Speaker 1: My liver enzymes were about four to five times higher than normal.
• 45:26
  Speaker 1: I ended up getting told by the doctor because they looked at how much I drank.
• 45:29
  Speaker 1: They're like okay, damn, you did drink.
• 45:32
  Speaker 1: You only drank liquor, not beer.
• 45:33
  Speaker 1: I was like beer fills me up, I want to get hammered.
• 45:37
  Speaker 1: So he ended up telling me he's like, most likely in a year and a half you would have had massive cirrhosis of the liver or just had full-on liver failure.
• 45:48
  Speaker 1: That case scenario has a rough timeline from a year and a half you would have had about another year and a half before you would have died.
• 45:57
  Speaker 1: So essentially, my death day would have would be, uh, october 5th of 2025 if I hadn't gone on ahead and got help, because they told me that you're, I, was going to be dead probably within, and it's a pretty horrific death.
• 46:14
  Speaker 1: It is for everybody involved.
• 46:16
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so it's one of those um, at rehab they get to like I mean, they have it's not just feel good stories all the time.
• 46:25
  Speaker 1: When you're in the rehab, they actually give you the actual medical science as to what's going on.
• 46:28
  Speaker 1: Well, one of them, if you chose on your free time, is to learn more about it with the doctor, and they actually showed you what somebody looks like while they're going through lung liver failure and having, while they have, cirrhosis of the liver.
• 46:41
  Speaker 1: That is probably one of the most perfectly painful deaths I have seen that somebody would end up having to go through because it's just slow, painful and there's no going back.
• 46:51
  Speaker 1: No, there's not what would?
• 46:56
  Speaker 3: how old are you, gordon?
• 46:58
  Speaker 3: I am 33.
• 46:59
  Speaker 3: What would 33 year old gordon, on what you know now, say to 16 year old Gorg?
• 47:08
  Speaker 1: I would have told 16 year old Gorg in six years don't go on ahead and believe the hype of.
• 47:19
  Speaker 1: You have to hold everything in by yourself.
• 47:21
  Speaker 1: It's going to ruin you.
• 47:23
  Speaker 1: There is nothing wrong with saying I could use some help or hey, this is kind of fucking with me.
• 47:27
  Speaker 1: You don't wrong with saying I could use some help or hey, this is kind of fucking with me.
• 47:29
  Speaker 1: You don't have to be polite about it, just get it out there.
• 47:34
  Speaker 1: You'll end up seeing who your friends are, if anything.
• 47:37
  Speaker 1: On saying I need help, 16-year-old me, I mean all of us when we're 16, we're invincible to the world, world, and then just going ahead and just compound upon that, thinking nothing can touch me, I'm untouchable, I'm made of steel, I don't get bothered.
• 47:55
  Speaker 1: And then 16 like I hired on at 22 the department, and that just fed into that even more of I can't be weak, I can't be vulnerable, I can't ask for help.
• 48:07
  Speaker 1: So 16 year old me, I would tell him just ask for help.
• 48:12
  Speaker 3: Feeling bad, ask for help so to come full circle with the bullshit email.
• 48:17
  Speaker 3: That is a trap.
• 48:19
  Speaker 3: Uh, what's your rank now?
• 48:23
  Speaker 1: I am a former senior corporal, I am now a sergeant so it didn't affect your.
• 48:29
  Speaker 3: Not only did you go right back to work and serve a warrant within 24 hours of getting out, you're also now a sergeant.
• 48:37
  Speaker 1: So when I went into rehab I was on the promotion list but they hadn't gone to my name yet when I got out I figured that's going to be a put to the wayside, it's going to be an issue.
• 48:49
  Speaker 1: I know that email's a scam.
• 48:52
  Speaker 1: It didn't affect that at all.
• 48:54
  Speaker 1: I ended up getting the phone call.
• 48:56
  Speaker 1: If any of y'all have seen ATO's podcast with me, it was only a couple months later that I ended up getting the phone call and promoting.
• 49:07
  Speaker 1: So I mean absolutely nothing with my career Ended up getting sidelined, derailed.
• 49:13
  Speaker 1: They just gave me help.
• 49:15
  Speaker 1: I couldn't believe it.
• 49:17
  Speaker 3: There's no strings attached, but isn't that sad that that comes as a surprise.
• 49:22
  Speaker 3: That they cared and helped you is an anomaly, isn't that?
• 49:28
  Speaker 1: sad.
• 49:29
  Speaker 1: That that's it.
• 49:30
  Speaker 1: It is sad and it is a completely jaded opinion that most of us just end up developing uh towards, uh, our departments.
• 49:38
  Speaker 1: I mean it's not just ours, it's.
• 49:40
  Speaker 1: I mean it would be garland, it'd be dps, it would be dso, it'd be rockwalt.
• 49:44
  Speaker 1: Yep, we all have one bad run-in with internal affairs or something else like that, and we immediately have the mindset of they're out to get us.
• 49:53
  Speaker 1: It's not true.
• 49:55
  Speaker 1: It's not true.
• 49:56
  Speaker 1: And what ended up happening with me showed that my jaded mindset was just, it was bullshit.
• 50:06
  Speaker 1: Yeah, the department actually does care.
• 50:09
  Speaker 1: If you mess up, they're going to call you out like any other job's going to call you out.
• 50:13
  Speaker 1: I was a little uh, honestly, I was being a little bitch about it.
• 50:18
  Speaker 1: I got called out on on some things that I ended up doing.
• 50:21
  Speaker 1: Own it, move on.
• 50:25
  Speaker 1: Don't apply it to the entire department ever.
• 50:28
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and that's the good thing that DPD's willing to.
• 50:30
  Speaker 2: I mean, y'all are both willing to move on and not harp on.
• 50:32
  Speaker 2: This is the same guy, you know.
• 50:35
  Speaker 3: That's the cool thing You've shared you've shared Gordon's bad days, a couple of them, in times.
• 50:43
  Speaker 3: What's been your best?
• 50:44
  Speaker 3: What's been your best ever?
• 50:48
  Speaker 1: Oh, my best day ever.
• 50:52
  Speaker 1: I mean there's so many different stories from when I was in a crime network and getting the uh the drug queen pin of uh Northeast or Northwest, rather Again getting all these guns chasing off to these guys jumping into a, into a trailer to uh a trailer to pull them out.
• 51:11
  Speaker 1: But really I mean the best days.
• 51:14
  Speaker 1: I mean each day right now is its own best day.
• 51:17
  Speaker 1: The current guys that I am getting to supervise, as much as I may groan about going into work, like any one of us do.
• 51:27
  Speaker 1: It doesn't matter how good your job is, you'll always find something to groan about.
• 51:31
  Speaker 1: I had to wake up earlier than I wanted.
• 51:34
  Speaker 1: The guys that I currently supervise are probably some of the greatest officers I've ever had the privilege to be with much less supervised, to be with much less supplies.
• 51:47
  Speaker 1: So I can't tell you which day is my best day, because each and every single day that progresses is my best day.
• 51:57
  Speaker 2: So it's a great answer.
• 51:58
  Speaker 2: Yep, it's a great answer.
• 52:00
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and if your death date was coming up in the next five months?
• 52:04
  Speaker 3: Every day is a damn good day, oh God, yes.
• 52:07
  Speaker 3: Well, kudos to you and to your wife.
• 52:07
  Speaker 3: Five months, every day is a damn good day.
• 52:08
  Speaker 3: Oh God, yes, yeah, for well.
• 52:09
  Speaker 3: Kudos to you and to your wife.
• 52:12
  Speaker 3: Um, we're in a day and time of well this pop smoke and split up, or or.
• 52:19
  Speaker 3: People don't always support each other very well.
• 52:22
  Speaker 3: Kudos to you and your wife for working through this and her support and steadfast sticking through through you on that man.
• 52:31
  Speaker 1: What a, what an incredible, incredible journey I mean she, she's truly the light that ended up coming in life.
• 52:38
  Speaker 1: I can I'm not even looking at her and I can feel her rolling her eyes right now with me saying that but I mean, she was, she is for me, she is an absolute godsend.
• 52:48
  Speaker 1: She has been in my corner with me every single step of the way, from being lied to in terms of like how much I was drinking, to being told that I was lying to her about my drinking, to then supporting me on getting help.
• 53:04
  Speaker 1: Yeah, instantaneously.
• 53:06
  Speaker 1: No arguments, no condescension, nothing, just she wanted to be able to help me.
• 53:14
  Speaker 1: She has been there for me every single step of the way so good friends do when you marry your best friend.
• 53:19
  Speaker 3: That's what, that's what truly matters, so that's awesome didn't mean to blow inside you with chief gar Popaday.
• 53:26
  Speaker 1: That was an excellent.
• 53:27
  Speaker 1: That was excellent.
• 53:28
  Speaker 1: I was not expecting that and I just looked up, saw him looked away and then all of a sudden it registered in my brain hey, that's Chief.
• 53:37
  Speaker 3: But you too are pioneers of the culture shift that law enforcement is seeing, because it takes brave leaders willing to.
• 53:49
  Speaker 3: Like I mentioned when he was here, the easy thing to do is just cut bait with somebody.
• 53:52
  Speaker 3: Oh he's trouble.
• 53:53
  Speaker 3: I'll just cut bait with that dude and then I never have to get in trouble with the city manager, I never have to account for anything.
• 54:00
  Speaker 3: That's the easy thing to do.
• 54:02
  Speaker 3: It takes courage and leadership to do what he did and then to stand by it.
• 54:07
  Speaker 3: And I'll never forget him doubling down and not even him being damn proud of you because you carried one of your bracelets up there to him and immediately he's tweeting that he's got the bracelet on and bragging about you and bragging about what he, what you've accomplished.
• 54:27
  Speaker 3: And most chiefs would be scared to death of that of I need to put them on admin leave and hide his badge and gun and hide him or do away with it.
• 54:34
  Speaker 3: And he doesn't hide from it, he's freaking out promoting it.
• 54:36
  Speaker 3: And for you to have for having the courage to come forward, even though you'd convinced yourself this is a scam.
• 54:45
  Speaker 3: Probably the end of my career, but screw it, I guess I'll still come forward.
• 54:52
  Speaker 3: You two together have made a huge difference.
• 54:56
  Speaker 3: I don't think just for Dallas PD, because now you've allowed other people to be brave enough to go.
• 55:01
  Speaker 3: Well, shit, they didn't hammer Gordon.
• 55:03
  Speaker 3: I can probably come forward and survive this.
• 55:08
  Speaker 3: And in this day and time for cops to continue to get DWIs, when we have ATOs that have the Uber program where they'll help you know, try and get you home.
• 55:15
  Speaker 3: They have this, the OWL unit helping this.
• 55:19
  Speaker 3: There's not a reason to not come out and try and be healthy.
• 55:22
  Speaker 3: And you and Chief Garcia have been the tip of the spear on that.
• 55:26
  Speaker 3: Yep, well, actually this is just of the spear on that?
• 55:28
  Speaker 1: Yep, will.
• 55:29
  Speaker 1: Actually, this is just going to be real quick, yeah, because I had no idea how I was going to end up having this brought up and he decided to go on ahead and mention it.
• 55:39
  Speaker 1: Now they're not quite as special because they weren't made there, but these are two bracelets with the skill that I ended up learning there.
• 55:51
  Speaker 1: That's cool, man.
• 55:53
  Speaker 1: Oh heck, yeah, that's awesome.
• 55:55
  Speaker 1: One that's that's red and blue, and then there's uh, not red and blue, red and black, and one's uh, a lot good, it might be too small most likely is because I got tiny in that wrist, I like but I wanted to be able to give you guys that as a gift for, uh, bringing me down.
• 56:09
  Speaker 1: That's good stuff, dude thank you, man, yeah that's awesome anything we didn't hit.
• 56:15
  Speaker 3: Anything you want to share that we didn't hit?
• 56:20
  Speaker 1: I mean the only.
• 56:20
  Speaker 1: The biggest thing is I mean there's anybody that's listening and you're questioning if you can actually get the help.
• 56:29
  Speaker 1: If you're worried about your department and they don't have any kind of alcohol leave program, don't sit in the dark.
• 56:41
  Speaker 1: You're going to die.
• 56:42
  Speaker 1: You're going to die there or your career is going to die there because, especially if you're in Texas, I mean you get popped with a DWI.
• 56:48
  Speaker 1: Your career is done.
• 56:49
  Speaker 1: They're going to die there.
• 56:49
  Speaker 1: Or your career is going to die there Because, especially if you're in Texas, I mean you get popped with a DWI.
• 56:51
  Speaker 1: Your career is done.
• 56:51
  Speaker 1: They're going to take your license for a minimum of 10 years for a misdemeanor B, a and above.
• 56:55
  Speaker 1: It's gone forever.
• 56:58
  Speaker 1: There have been other officers that were in the rehab center with me and I remind you, the rehab center is nationwide acceptance and, mind you, the rehab center is nationwide acceptance.
• 57:07
  Speaker 1: So just saying that there was an officer there his department doesn't have any kind of leave.
• 57:17
  Speaker 1: He went and got a note from his doctor basically saying that he needed professional medical help and it was vague, and then he drove himself to the rehab center.
• 57:27
  Speaker 1: He had to use his own sick time but he went and got help and knowing who he is and getting to know him there.
• 57:32
  Speaker 1: I can tell you right now if he was willing to do that.
• 57:37
  Speaker 1: It's his job.
• 57:38
  Speaker 1: Anybody can end up doing it and I I just really want to emphasize that you are not alone.
• 57:46
  Speaker 1: All of our stories for us that are alcoholics.
• 57:50
  Speaker 1: It's a different name, it's a different place, but it's the same story.
• 57:55
  Speaker 1: Just reach out and get help.
• 57:57
  Speaker 1: That's important.
• 58:00
  Speaker 2: Thank you for that.
• 58:02
  Speaker 2: You've seen some of our episodes.
• 58:04
  Speaker 2: I don't know if y'all on Garcia's episode, but we tip the like to end each episode with three rapid fire questions.
• 58:10
  Speaker 2: Okay, you ready?
• 58:12
  Speaker 2: No, let's go.
• 58:13
  Speaker 2: What's your favorite cop car Fame, favorite line from a cop movie or your favorite cop movie?
• 58:18
  Speaker 2: And then, what do you like to do when you're just hanging out at the house?
• 58:21
  Speaker 2: Now at the New Gordon?
• 58:24
  Speaker 1: So favorite cop car that I've driven, or just in general, in general your favorite all-time police car.
• 58:30
  Speaker 2: It could be both okay.
• 58:31
  Speaker 1: So I, I like the uh, um, the crown vix never got to drive one, though if it had to be one that I drove, y'all gonna be sad.
• 58:39
  Speaker 1: It's the uh, the chevy tahoe.
• 58:41
  Speaker 1: Yeah, no, that's good.
• 58:43
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean it's.
• 58:44
  Speaker 1: It's great until you end up hitting a turn and you get to feel two of the wheels come off the ground.
• 58:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's scary, but, uh, I love the way the other crown dicks looked and seeing videos of them.
• 58:55
  Speaker 1: Unfortunately, I never got to drive one.
• 58:57
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you didn't miss anything.
• 58:58
  Speaker 2: Yeah two, what's your favorite line from a cop movie?
• 59:00
  Speaker 2: Your favorite cop movie?
• 59:01
  Speaker 1: favorite cop movie, lethal weapon one.
• 59:07
  Speaker 1: I grew up on Lethal Weapon and Die Hard and all of Clint Eastwood's.
• 59:15
  Speaker 1: Magnum Force was the first one I'd seen of the Dirty Harrys.
• 59:18
  Speaker 1: But yeah, lethal Weapon 1 was my all-time favorite.
• 59:22
  Speaker 2: And what does Gordon like to sip on or eat whenever you're just hanging out enjoying your time off, wouldn't?
• 59:28
  Speaker 1: like to uh sip on or or or eat whenever you're just hanging out enjoying your time off.
• 59:30
  Speaker 1: Whenever I'm uh, enjoying my time off, I actually just like to uh sip on an energy drink, not pound it back to feel normal.
• 59:36
  Speaker 1: I actually get to feel the energy from it.
• 59:39
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yep, white monsters are the way to go.
• 59:43
  Speaker 1: For sure I actually have.
• 59:44
  Speaker 1: That's normally the one I end up drinking, but, uh, we stopped off, uh, on the way down from uh north texas and I did.
• 59:50
  Speaker 1: They didn't have any white monsters.
• 59:51
  Speaker 1: That's normally the one I end up drinking, but we stopped off on the way down from North Texas and they didn't have any white monsters.
• 59:54
  Speaker 1: So that's why, if anybody's seeing C4 here, C4,.
• 59:56
  Speaker 2: If you'd like to be a sponsor of Blue Grit, please give us a call at infotmpaorg.
• 59:59
  Speaker 2: I can't thank you enough for coming down.
• 1:00:01
  Speaker 2: Your story is incredible.
• 1:00:02
  Speaker 2: It's a story of perseverance and determination and man I can't thank you enough.
• 1:00:08
  Speaker 1: Yeah, thank you guys so much for allowing me to come on.
• 1:00:10
  Speaker 3: For sure, clint, you got anything else, man, you're an example, a long overdue example that we need in our career.
• 1:00:16
  Speaker 3: And hear what he said.
• 1:00:19
  Speaker 3: Thank you, thank you, thank you, yep, yep.
• 1:00:22
  Speaker 2: Well, you guys take care, Stay safe.
• 1:00:24
  Speaker 2: It's starting to heat up up, so we're starting to get really busy in the law enforcement area.
• 1:00:36
  Speaker 2: We got spring breaks coming up, summer is coming up, so it's fixing to crank off, so you guys stay take care, stay safe and, as always, god bless you and god bless texas, thank you.
• 1:03:02
  Speaker 3: Thank you, I'll see you next time.