Latest / Wedded Wednesday with Pastor Don & Lisa Smith / Manna For Marriage Part 4 - When Love Is Not Enough -

Transcript

Manna For Marriage Part 4 - When Love Is Not Enough - · Wedded Wednesday with Pastor Don & Lisa Smith

0:09
Don Smith: What if marriage advice didn't have to feel like a lecture or a counseling session?
0:14
Don Smith: But welcome to a weekly coffee date for your marriage that we're calling Wedded Wednesday.
0:20
Don Smith: I'm Pastor Don Smith along with my wife Lisa, and we are right there in the trenches with you.
0:25
Don Smith: And this podcast takes the pressure off perfect and puts the focus on purposeful.
0:31
Don Smith: Our desire is to give you Bible-based tools to work on your marriage, not just in it.
0:37
Don Smith: Each week we get real, we keep it lighthearted because marriage is hard enough without being stuffy.
0:43
Don Smith: We want to leave you with one practical challenge to actually use before the next podcast.
0:50
Don Smith: Whether you're in a great season or barely holding on, I want you to pull up a chair, get a cup of coffee, and let's be intentional together.
1:03
Don Smith: And on these wedded Wednesdays, what we've been doing is we've just been following up the Sunday morning sermon because we're in this sermon series that we've titled Manna for Marriage.
1:14
Don Smith: And now I have to admit, uh, now during the message this week, and during most messages, if you guys are here or you listen to our sermons or whatever, Lisa can be a little vocal sometimes.
1:26
Don Smith: Sorry.
1:27
Don Smith: And there's a lot, no, don't be sorry about it.
1:28
Don Smith: There's a lot of people that have come up to me and say, you know, we want her to have a mic as well.
1:33
Don Smith: Like, you know, we're way in the back and we can't hear what she's saying.
1:36
Don Smith: I think everybody can hear what she's saying.
1:38
Don Smith: But this week, this week, if you were in the house for the message, uh, my wife was uh, she was exceptionally vocal.
1:49
Don Smith: Was I?
1:50
Don Smith: Yeah, you were.
1:51
Don Smith: I listened back to it and uh that you were you were really, really vocal.
1:57
Don Smith: Uh this.
1:58
Lisa Smith: I mean, I didn't say anything offhand.
2:00
Lisa Smith: I think I just agreed with you on a lot of stuff.
2:03
Lisa Smith: But you are always saying, help me.
2:06
Don Smith: Yeah.
2:07
Don Smith: No, you were vocal.
2:08
Lisa Smith: So you say if you don't help, this will take longer.
2:11
Don Smith: If you didn't sound like you're listening on live here or if you're listening on the Wedded Wednesday podcast, which by the way, we would like for you to subscribe to.
2:20
Don Smith: Go to wherever you get your podcast.
2:22
Don Smith: Look for Wedded Wednesday with Don and Lisa.
2:24
Don Smith: Uh, our our pretty picture is right there.
2:27
Don Smith: And uh just subscribe to it, you'll get it every week.
2:30
Don Smith: And it's it's uh incredible.
2:33
Don Smith: We just take this and turn it into the podcast because Facebook only keeps the live for 30 days.
2:38
Lisa Smith: Right.
2:38
Don Smith: So uh we want you to be able to revisit these topics.
2:42
Don Smith: Uh that being said, uh, you know, we've been following the sermons, and this week and the sermon I talked about when love is not enough.
2:52
Lisa Smith: Yeah.
2:52
Don Smith: And it sounds like, how is that possible?
2:54
Don Smith: Right?
2:55
Don Smith: Doesn't the Bible teach us that love, you know, overcomes everything?
3:00
Don Smith: Right?
3:00
Don Smith: Like, uh, but in marriage, uh as as much as we've set with people, right, and and we're confident that there are two people in our office who are struggling, their marriage is struggling.
3:13
Don Smith: Uh we're the one thing we can be confident of is that they love each other.
3:17
Don Smith: There have been times when we're like, what's wrong with these people?
3:19
Don Smith: Why can't they get it?
3:20
Don Smith: They love each other, but they really struggle.
3:23
Don Smith: Yeah.
3:24
Don Smith: Um, and so we we talked about that this week uh in part five of Mana for Marriage, and the title was Love's Not Enough.
3:32
Don Smith: And so if you haven't listened to that, you've got to be a little bit more.
3:34
Lisa Smith: I've heard a lot of feedback.
3:36
Lisa Smith: A lot of people thought that was a really good message.
3:38
Don Smith: Okay, let's go.
3:38
Don Smith: So if you haven't heard it, you can go to Firm Foundation Ministries of Centerville's YouTube page and you can listen to it.
3:44
Don Smith: Uh, it's right there, and you'll get to hear the message and all of Lisa's feedback.
3:49
Don Smith: Uh, because I I remember I was playing it and you were like, wait, is that me?
3:53
Don Smith: And the background.
3:54
Lisa Smith: I didn't realize I was being that loud.
3:56
Don Smith: It was great.
3:57
Don Smith: So I had a couple of points, three points, and I kind of want to review them today, and I want to get your perspective because you were right, you know, you're you're amening and that kind of thing, but uh dialogue's not something you were doing, and I'm really interested in your dialogue.
4:10
Lisa Smith: Okay.
4:11
Don Smith: And I think the people are.
4:12
Don Smith: We got to give the people what they want.
4:13
Don Smith: We got to give the people what they want.
4:16
Lisa Smith: All right.
4:17
Don Smith: And they want Lisa's dialogue.
4:20
Lisa Smith: Do they?
4:21
Don Smith: Yes, they do.
4:21
Don Smith: They want Lisa's dialogue.
4:23
Don Smith: Okay, we will see.
4:24
Don Smith: Point number one.
4:25
Don Smith: All right, now I used Elkanah, okay, and Hannah uh in this in particular.
4:30
Don Smith: Uh Penna was part of it as well, but not a greater portion of it.
4:34
Don Smith: It the focus was on uh the husband Elkanah and Hannah, which the Bible specifically says that he loved Hannah.
4:42
Don Smith: Okay, so that wasn't the issue.
4:44
Don Smith: And again, that's why this was such a great marriage in the Bible to use for this topic when love's not enough, because the Bible says he loved Hannah.
4:54
Don Smith: So uh I I said my first point, Lisa, was uh love without emotional intelligence is just noise.
5:02
Don Smith: Now, I held up this beautiful gift on Sunday, uh, this gift of shoes that was three sizes too small for me.
5:11
Don Smith: Expensive, well meant, uh, but they would have hurt me to wear it.
5:18
Lisa Smith: I don't think you could have put them on.
5:21
Don Smith: So let me ask you this.
5:23
Lisa Smith: I had lots of people ask me where I where I bought those shoes because they knew where I was this past weekend at the women's retreat, so they were trying to figure out what shop.
5:33
Don Smith: Which store you went to?
5:34
Don Smith: All right, so let me ask you this.
5:36
Don Smith: Very personal, but I think that's what the people want.
5:38
Don Smith: They want to hear Lisa.
5:40
Lisa Smith: Okay.
5:41
Don Smith: Uh, have you ever gotten love from me?
5:44
Lisa Smith: Love from you.
5:46
Don Smith: That did not fit.
5:49
Lisa Smith: Not necessarily a gift, just the way you love it.
5:52
Don Smith: Yeah, no, it's just love.
5:52
Don Smith: Not the gift was just the example.
5:55
Lisa Smith: Illustration.
5:56
Lisa Smith: Yeah.
5:56
Lisa Smith: Yes.
5:57
Lisa Smith: I think that uh I think you and I have had this discussion before about love languages.
6:02
Lisa Smith: Oh.
6:03
Lisa Smith: That we all have all of this is so good.
6:07
Don Smith: I'm so glad you were there.
6:09
Lisa Smith: All of those, but all of them are important, but we may have one or two that really touches our.
6:18
Don Smith: So if you're listening to the podcast, you're probably not unfamiliar with the five love languages.
6:23
Don Smith: Okay.
6:24
Lisa Smith: And uh I know yours are words of affirmation.
6:28
Lisa Smith: Right.
6:28
Lisa Smith: And I know that I didn't gift you in that type of way, also.
6:33
Lisa Smith: And um and I still have to work on it today, but I do know in the beginning of our marriage I didn't, because I was never a words type person.
6:41
Don Smith: Correct.
6:44
Lisa Smith: People always gave me a good speech and about things, but they never put action.
6:52
Lisa Smith: Okay, so it didn't mean much to me.
6:56
Don Smith: Let me put this in perspective to you, because I think what Lisa's trying to say is very important here.
7:01
Don Smith: Uh this is this is a great example of well, I'm I'm loving you.
7:06
Don Smith: Why what's wrong with you?
7:07
Lisa Smith: You would think complimenting me or because I'm a word that's so here's what happened here's what would happen in those moments.
7:14
Don Smith: Because I'm a words of affirmation guy, that's the way I feel loved.
7:17
Don Smith: So when Lisa says, hey, the grass, the yard looks great, uh, I feel loved, or the sermon was great.
7:23
Don Smith: I feel loved.
7:25
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, great.
7:25
Don Smith: Those things are, I feel love, those words of affirmation.
7:28
Don Smith: So I would come into uh a moment and say, Hey, your hair looks great today, or I like that dress on you, or uh, man, she would cook an amazing meal, and I'm be like, Wow, that was such a great meal.
7:39
Don Smith: She would be like, Okay.
7:41
Lisa Smith: Not that not that those were important.
7:43
Don Smith: No, no, no.
7:43
Don Smith: What I'm trying to say is those are important.
7:45
Don Smith: What we're trying to say here is have you ever gotten love from me that didn't fit?
7:49
Lisa Smith: And it's when you do that without uh an act of service of some sort.
7:55
Don Smith: I feel I was trying to love you the way I wanted to be loved.
7:59
Lisa Smith: And so that love didn't fit you.
8:02
Lisa Smith: Not not served, but like Acts of Service.
8:05
Lisa Smith: Acts of service.
8:06
Don Smith: Um wash the dishes with you.
8:08
Lisa Smith: Yeah, pick up my shoes off the floor, help you cook the dinner.
8:12
Lisa Smith: You know, not not that you have to do certain those things every day, but the occasional touch in those ways then you feel loved.
8:21
Lisa Smith: And and I remember early on in our marriage, I used to say, Don't buy me flowers, but that was because we really didn't have a lot of money.
8:29
Lisa Smith: But also that wasn't my love language.
8:33
Don Smith: Not that we have a lot of money now.
8:35
Lisa Smith: I would want you to be with me.
8:38
Lisa Smith: So more quality, time, and acts of service was my love language.
8:42
Don Smith: What's your I'm trying to love you.
8:44
Don Smith: Your your that dress looks good.
8:45
Don Smith: Your hair looks great.
8:47
Don Smith: But it did not fit.
8:48
Don Smith: Do you understand that now?
8:49
Lisa Smith: I think that that's if I would get frustrated, then you would get frustrated.
8:52
Lisa Smith: Because it was like, what is going on?
8:54
Don Smith: So see, that's a perfect example of what we were trying to communicate on Sunday.
8:59
Don Smith: Is it that I it it wasn't that we weren't trying to give effort.
9:02
Don Smith: I was just trying to love Lisa the way I wanted to be loved, and then I didn't understand why she didn't feel loved.
9:08
Lisa Smith: You want to know what that comes naturally too?
9:11
Don Smith: It does.
9:12
Don Smith: That's what we do.
9:12
Don Smith: We always want to love people the way we feel loved, and then we don't understand why that it doesn't fit them.
9:18
Lisa Smith: But it does come naturally for us to love.
9:21
Don Smith: That's what we're trying to point out here, and it's so great.
9:23
Don Smith: You have to learn how people receive love and then love them that way.
9:28
Don Smith: In other words, if my truck runs on diesel and your car runs on gas, I can't put I can't put gas in my truck and expect it to run.
9:36
Don Smith: Or I can't put diesel in your car and expect it to run.
9:39
Don Smith: What's wrong with it?
9:40
Don Smith: Why aren't they running?
9:42
Lisa Smith: Eventually, those engines will give out.
9:44
Don Smith: See, that's such a great example, and that's why I wanted to do that today.
9:47
Lisa Smith: But you know, it does come naturally to love the way that you want to be loved.
9:52
Lisa Smith: Yes, and so like for me with words of affirmation and when it when we kind of started discovering all this, I was just like, shoot, to me, that it is genuine.
10:04
Lisa Smith: When I think of things now, it is genuine.
10:07
Lisa Smith: But before my mentality about words was that everybody blows smoke.
10:14
Lisa Smith: And there's never anything behind it.
10:16
SPEAKER_02: Yep.
10:17
Lisa Smith: So quit blowing smoke.
10:18
Lisa Smith: Yeah, and that was my way exactly the way she talked about it.
10:22
Lisa Smith: And that is the hey, that's that's what happened to me a lot in my life earlier on, and it was just like, nah, that words don't mean anything, but they do mean something.
10:34
Lisa Smith: They can be life or death.
10:37
Lisa Smith: And for my husband, I could speak life or death to him, and I'd rather speak life than so.
10:44
Don Smith: All right, so husbands ask, what can I do to fix it?
10:47
Don Smith: Okay, right?
10:48
Don Smith: And uh, and then wives say nothing.
10:53
Lisa Smith: Or you ask what is wrong.
10:55
Don Smith: Tell the men who are listening to Wedded Wednesday, whether it's the Facebook Live or it's the podcast, tell the men what nothing really means.
11:08
Lisa Smith: Well, when you say what's wrong, and I say nothing, but um what's the question?
11:14
Don Smith: Okay, uh what can I do to fix it?
11:16
Don Smith: And you say nothing.
11:18
Don Smith: Tell tell men what nothing means, because that's not what you mean.
11:22
Lisa Smith: Okay, there's sometimes, I don't know if every one, and I think sometimes it happens for men too.
11:27
Lisa Smith: So it's not one way or just one way.
11:30
Lisa Smith: I don't know if every woman deals with it or struggles with it, but sometimes we just need to talk.
11:39
Lisa Smith: We just need you to be there.
11:43
Lisa Smith: Sometimes I don't need you to say anything.
11:46
Lisa Smith: Sometimes I just might need a hug.
11:48
Don Smith: And I and I love it when that's what you say.
11:51
Don Smith: It's awkward, but it's at least now I know what is expected.
11:56
Lisa Smith: I had learned that I need to tell you, hey, I need to share something with you.
12:02
Lisa Smith: I don't need you to respond right now, or I don't need you to fix something.
12:07
Lisa Smith: I need you to just be here.
12:09
Don Smith: Yeah.
12:09
Don Smith: That's great.
12:10
Lisa Smith: And when I say be here, I mean undivided attention.
12:14
Lisa Smith: There's no looking at the football game over my shoulder, which he's really good at because when I have said that to him before, he just turns off the TV and looks straight into my eyes and he goes, Okay, I'm here.
12:24
Don Smith: Yeah, what what am I doing right now?
12:27
Lisa Smith: Whether they have kids at home or or a job or a stay-at-home wife, whatever.
12:33
Lisa Smith: She's still got things she wants that she needs to let out.
12:37
Lisa Smith: And you know what?
12:38
Lisa Smith: You're supposed to be her safe place.
12:41
Lisa Smith: You're supposed to be the one that she can go to and talk to about everything.
12:45
Lisa Smith: I love it.
12:45
Lisa Smith: And honestly, I I would rather be able to go to you than have to go, not say have to go.
12:52
Lisa Smith: And I know we all have girlfriends and guy friends, but you're my safe place, and I want to go to you before I have to go to someone else.
13:01
Don Smith: See, we're giving the people what they want, they want to hear from you.
13:04
Don Smith: This is so good.
13:05
Lisa Smith: Well, thanks.
13:06
Don Smith: All right, here you go.
13:07
Lisa Smith: Especially if it's about you.
13:08
Lisa Smith: I don't want to go to someone and bad mouth you.
13:10
Lisa Smith: I want to do that.
13:11
Don Smith: You should never do that as a husband and wife.
13:12
Don Smith: You should never, ever, ever dishonor each other to other people.
13:17
Lisa Smith: See, that's the thing.
13:18
Lisa Smith: If there's an issue between us, I want to be able to talk to them.
13:22
Don Smith: Doesn't mean you can't seek advice.
13:23
Don Smith: Okay, but dishonor is a bigger uh different thing.
13:25
Lisa Smith: Yeah, but I don't want to go to girlfriends and start, oh, my husband's this.
13:31
Don Smith: But now you've sewed a seed of bitterness in their heart towards him.
13:34
Don Smith: Yeah.
13:35
Lisa Smith: And not only in their hearts, but it grows in my heart for the time.
13:38
Don Smith: For sure, because you get affirmation now.
13:40
Lisa Smith: I have not been able to talk to you because I don't feel safe to.
13:44
Don Smith: So I said your spouse's pain doesn't need your logic, it needs your presence.
13:48
Don Smith: When you when you're hurting, what does presence actually look like to you?
13:53
Lisa Smith: Just being there.
13:54
Don Smith: Okay.
13:55
Lisa Smith: Yeah.
13:56
Don Smith: So in other words, making making that the priority.
14:02
Don Smith: Uh so let's just say sometimes uh it might seem very it might seem very simple, but to cancel something in order to make room for that time.
14:13
Don Smith: Okay?
14:14
Lisa Smith: Yeah.
14:16
Lisa Smith: And I think that's when you talk about canceling stuff and everything, that's obviously an urgent something.
14:25
Lisa Smith: But just your presence being around.
14:28
Lisa Smith: Uh even being around the home or just with me.
14:32
Don Smith: I love it.
14:33
Lisa Smith: Like, okay, can I use this as an example?
14:35
Don Smith: You can do it.
14:36
Lisa Smith: The people want Okay, well, yesterday.
14:39
Lisa Smith: No, there are yesterday.
14:41
Don Smith: Okay.
14:41
Don Smith: Yesterday was uh was a day where things had to be rearranged and usually let let me preface this before you don't lose your thought.
14:49
Don Smith: I am I can be very, very bothered when my schedule gets yanked around at the last minute.
14:59
Lisa Smith: Well, I don't think your schedule got yanked around because sometimes you do plan to go with me to doctor's appointments.
15:05
Don Smith: That kind of thing, but I'm just saying it.
15:06
Lisa Smith: Yeah, so and sometimes But I usually have a plan.
15:09
Lisa Smith: And sometimes you don't go, you know, but majority of time.
15:13
Don Smith: Yesterday I had a plan, both to go and to come to work.
15:17
Lisa Smith: Yes, but things changed.
15:18
Don Smith: Things changed.
15:19
Lisa Smith: And you handled it well.
15:20
Lisa Smith: Thank you.
15:21
Don Smith: But um I'm glad you noticed.
15:23
Lisa Smith: But I was like, are you sure you can take me?
15:26
Lisa Smith: Do you have to go back?
15:28
Lisa Smith: So that way I also have my plan.
15:31
Lisa Smith: You know?
15:32
Lisa Smith: Uh, because if I have to stop somewhere or if I have to do something else because it's up in Kalamazoo, then I can tell him, Oh, well, you might as well just stay at work because I need to do these things.
15:43
Lisa Smith: Well, he ended up taking me to lunch and all these things changed.
15:48
Lisa Smith: And I just told him, I said, Man, that was just really nice that you spent the day with me after my appointment, even to kind of like care for me, not that something, but you were present with me in the moment without because you can physically be with someone and not be yeah, but here's what happened in my heart.
16:09
Don Smith: I I remember starting to feel tight about okay, um, what I had planned for this afternoon isn't gonna happen, you know?
16:17
Lisa Smith: Oh and I I remember He hid that very well.
16:19
Don Smith: I remember feeling tight about it, and I remember communicating with staff and and people and that kind of thing.
16:25
Don Smith: Hey, it's this is what's happening, it's probably this is what's probably gonna take place, and those things.
16:30
Don Smith: And then the Holy Spirit spoke to me and said, You just preached about being present.
16:35
Don Smith: I need you to be present.
16:36
Don Smith: And I was like, Okay, Lord, this is what I'm gonna do.
16:39
Don Smith: I'm gonna be present, right?
16:41
Don Smith: And uh it was good, it was good, right?
16:43
Don Smith: Like, and and I've always said the Lord doesn't let us preach sermons that He doesn't require us to live.
16:48
Don Smith: Yeah, and in that moment, that's what was coming to me.
16:51
Don Smith: It was like, hey, yeah, you know what, junior knucklehead, uh do what you preached uh on Sunday.
16:58
Don Smith: So it was great.
16:59
Lisa Smith: Yeah, I mean, we're not perfect at all this stuff, but it did fill my spirit that you were present.
17:07
Lisa Smith: Because, like I said, you can physically be with someone and still not be present.
17:12
Don Smith: It wasn't that I didn't get to get some work done because actually there was one thing that we we got to do that I was gonna do on my own, but because we were together, we got to do that together.
17:21
Don Smith: It was a meeting, yeah, and we did it over the phone and uh and it was needed.
17:26
Don Smith: It was needed, and I think it would get it gave us great affirmation uh together, and which led into other conversations, which was good.
17:33
Don Smith: See, just being present sometimes you think, wow, I'm not gonna get anything accomplished, but sometimes you do.
17:38
Don Smith: And I felt like we did.
17:39
Lisa Smith: Sometimes you get more important things accomplished.
17:41
Don Smith: All right, point two.
17:42
Don Smith: Point two in the sermon was when your identity is tied to being a fixer, most guys, right?
17:47
Don Smith: Uh you're gonna resent the one who seems to stay broken.
17:50
Lisa Smith: Mm-hmm.
17:51
Lisa Smith: Is that the way you saw me?
17:53
Don Smith: Uh uh in the beginning.
17:55
Don Smith: Yeah.
17:57
Lisa Smith: I get it.
17:58
Don Smith: Uh-huh.
17:58
Don Smith: Uh, and so I confessed my line.
18:01
Don Smith: My confession in the message.
18:02
Don Smith: If you haven't heard the message, you need to go hear it.
18:04
Don Smith: But my confession was this, right?
18:06
Don Smith: Tell me what's wrong, I'll go fix it, and then you don't have the right to be angry anymore.
18:10
Lisa Smith: Yeah, he used to tick me off with that.
18:12
Lisa Smith: Oh, am I allowed to use that word?
18:14
Lisa Smith: Yeah, you can.
18:15
Lisa Smith: It's our podcast.
18:16
Don Smith: We can say what we want to.
18:18
Don Smith: All right.
18:18
Don Smith: Um, so she's being honest, dude.
18:21
Don Smith: We're giving to people what they want.
18:22
Don Smith: Because that was my that was my tag here.
18:24
Don Smith: Be honest.
18:25
Don Smith: How did that work for us?
18:27
Lisa Smith: When I when I would say you made me mad.
18:30
Lisa Smith: Now you don't want me to fix nothing.
18:32
Lisa Smith: To be honest, yeah, it just made me mad.
18:36
Lisa Smith: Because then it's like, why do you think you have to fix me?
18:41
Lisa Smith: Yeah.
18:41
Don Smith: See, and all of a sudden now there was another that you don't play a part.
18:44
Don Smith: Instead of instead of me being able to fix us or the situation, what I actually did in those moments was cause us to be enemies.
18:55
Don Smith: Because it's like, well, I don't want to be your project.
18:57
Lisa Smith: Yeah.
18:58
Don Smith: That was that was kind of her attitude.
19:00
Don Smith: She never said that, but she was just like, no, I I I refuse to be your project.
19:04
Don Smith: Or I'm not your project to fix, right?
19:07
Don Smith: And so now the fixer, right, is uh coming head on with the one who refuses to be fixed or the thing that refuses to be fixed.
19:16
Don Smith: And I do not refuse to be fixed.
19:18
Don Smith: When the immovable needs when the immovable meets the unstoppable, we have utter destruction, right?
19:25
Don Smith: And that's happening.
19:27
Lisa Smith: That's the way he saw me as someone that needed to be changed.
19:30
Don Smith: And and we were very obvious.
19:32
Lisa Smith: Because you know what?
19:33
Lisa Smith: He had his own issues.
19:34
Don Smith: Yeah, for sure.
19:35
Lisa Smith: So work on you, boo.
19:37
Don Smith: And it happened.
19:38
Don Smith: Uh, but we worked through that, and I think that's why today we can share that not only on Sunday mornings, but even in a moment like this, to say we realize it's not just us.
19:48
Don Smith: Everyone goes through.
19:49
Lisa Smith: And we don't get off the camera or off the mics and get into a fight.
19:54
Lisa Smith: No, because we've already worked.
19:57
Don Smith: All right, happiness isn't a receipt for services rendered.
20:01
SPEAKER_02: Right.
20:01
Don Smith: Ooh, that was something, and I talked about, hey, you know, that's what you that's how you see happiness.
20:06
Don Smith: Now it's a receipt.
20:07
Don Smith: And when when you have a receipt for service rendered, and so if you're not happy, you want to get in the return line, which in marriage equals the divorce line, and you want your money back.
20:18
Lisa Smith: Right.
20:18
Don Smith: Um, and that that's something.
20:20
Don Smith: Why do we think that so many husbands and wives keep score like that?
20:26
Don Smith: Why?
20:28
Don Smith: Man, I did this.
20:29
Don Smith: Why aren't you happy?
20:31
Lisa Smith: Because they're not present for each other.
20:33
Don Smith: Okay, there you go.
20:34
Lisa Smith: It's so that is exactly why people keep saying.
20:37
Don Smith: All right, so I'm gonna ask you this then.
20:38
Don Smith: Have you ever felt pressured to act happy so that I could feel successful?
20:46
Lisa Smith: Yes.
20:47
Don Smith: Oh, she said you did you can take a minute to think about it if you need to.
20:52
Lisa Smith: It's the truth, yes.
20:53
Lisa Smith: I have.
20:54
Don Smith: I think what does that do in a wife's heart?
20:58
Don Smith: Oh man, big exhale.
21:01
Don Smith: Wow.
21:02
Don Smith: I'm not sure we want to give the people what they want anymore.
21:05
Lisa Smith: What does that do in the wife's heart?
21:07
Lisa Smith: I don't I think it crushes her spirit.
21:10
Don Smith: I agree.
21:12
Lisa Smith: I think it does.
21:13
Lisa Smith: I think she loses her identity in.
21:19
Don Smith: Wow.
21:20
Lisa Smith: I think she does.
21:21
Lisa Smith: I think she loses her identity in the marriage.
21:26
Lisa Smith: In in the marriage, in life, in life in general.
21:30
Lisa Smith: I don't think she fulfills her calling in the Lord when when that happens to her.
21:37
Don Smith: I think we I don't know, Facebook.
21:39
Don Smith: Put it in the comments.
21:40
Don Smith: Uh talk about it.
21:41
Don Smith: Send us uh a message.
21:43
Don Smith: You write there in the show notes.
21:44
Don Smith: You can send us a message.
21:45
Don Smith: Well, I think we need to have more conversations like this.
21:52
Lisa Smith: I think we could go so much deeper than that, but yeah, it crushes her spirit.
21:56
Lisa Smith: And then um, like I said, she doesn't fulfill the calling that she knows.
22:00
Lisa Smith: She has on her own life because that's a conversation husband's.
22:06
Lisa Smith: I gotta make him feel that all is good.
22:10
Lisa Smith: Or do you think successfully?
22:11
Don Smith: What do you think would happen if husbands and wives would sit down and ask each other this question?
22:15
Don Smith: Have you ever felt pressured to act happy so that I could feel successful?
22:20
Don Smith: Do you do you think it would be a healthy conversation?
22:22
Lisa Smith: I think it would depend on the marriage and the people.
22:26
Don Smith: But it's not it is.
22:26
Lisa Smith: I think you and I can have this conversation, and I know that sometimes we have really hard conversations, and maybe for a few minutes it's a little like, oh my feelings are hurt, but then it then we pick it up and we give it to the Lord and we deal with it and we walk through it and we figure it out.
22:44
Lisa Smith: But I think that uh some people can't handle the truth, which is sad.
22:50
Lisa Smith: Who can I'm sorry, yeah, that's kind of what I think, and um it can't handle let's put it this way.
22:58
Don Smith: Do you think some people can't handle the truth or they really don't want to know the truth?
23:06
Lisa Smith: Isn't it about the same?
23:08
Don Smith: It could be.
23:08
Don Smith: I'm asking that people want to know what Lisa thinks.
23:12
Lisa Smith: I think some people know but they don't want to work on it.
23:17
Don Smith: Yeah, because they they avoid it because they know it's gonna be work.
23:20
Lisa Smith: Yeah, I and I don't even know if that if that's it.
23:24
Lisa Smith: I don't know.
23:24
Don Smith: So I told that story about that husband who really was avoiding his wife in the sermon.
23:30
Don Smith: You you have to hear it.
23:31
Lisa Smith: Uh it would have been easier for him.
23:33
Don Smith: Just to deal with it.
23:34
Lisa Smith: Yes.
23:34
Don Smith: Yeah.
23:35
Lisa Smith: Uh but so many people make life so hard.
23:37
Don Smith: Dad, stop making things difficult.
23:39
Lisa Smith: Yeah, they make it so difficult on themselves and on their marriage.
23:43
Don Smith: For those of you listening to the podcast, you she's about to get, she was like, everybody who's watching on Facebook Live, man, you bowed up there.
23:51
Don Smith: You flex it a little bit.
23:53
Lisa Smith: Don't make it.
23:55
Lisa Smith: I think when we we know some personal things and stuff, I think it makes it so much harder to talk about.
24:05
Don Smith: Because Well, because our I mean, my our hearts are really just sad about it, because it's not necessary.
24:09
Lisa Smith: Right.
24:10
Don Smith: It's just not necessary.
24:11
Don Smith: You're making it way more difficult than it needs to be.
24:14
Don Smith: Yeah.
24:14
Don Smith: Because you're more interested in being right than you are in relationship.
24:17
Don Smith: Or you're not gonna have a relationship.
24:21
Lisa Smith: Right.
24:21
Don Smith: And you don't want to hear those that truth, then really there's not a lot of people who can help you.
24:27
Don Smith: You're headed for a cliff and you're gonna fall off of it.
24:29
Don Smith: Uh, I'm not saying that you gotta put up with bad behavior.
24:32
Don Smith: I'm not saying that correction doesn't need to happen.
24:34
Don Smith: What I'm saying though is if your motive as a husband or a wife is more towards I want to be right than you want to be in a relationship, you you're not long for the end.
24:46
Don Smith: And that's that's a true story.
24:48
Don Smith: Um, man, and I mean my brain's just working right now for sure.
24:52
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
24:52
Don Smith: Um, and to think that God blesses that uh is even more deceived.
24:59
Don Smith: You know what I'm saying?
25:00
Don Smith: Yeah um because uh you you're taking what God has joined together and you've thrown it away when Jesus specifically told you not to do that.
25:07
Don Smith: You don't have the right.
25:09
Don Smith: Jesus said, let no man, you don't have the right to do that.
25:12
Don Smith: Uh and and there if there's no fear of the Lord, hello somebody.
25:16
Don Smith: All right, let's move on to number three because boy, am I working through something now in my head, uh, which is for a different conversation.
25:23
Don Smith: Uh all right, marriage thrives when spouses feel seen, not just supported.
25:28
Don Smith: Right.
25:28
Don Smith: I didn't say not supported, just I think there's necessary to support one another.
25:32
Don Smith: Yeah.
25:32
Don Smith: All right, so support's doing things for someone, being seen as knowing someone.
25:36
Don Smith: That's how I clarified that.
25:38
Don Smith: What's the difference uh for you between me helping you and me seeing you?
25:50
Lisa Smith: So that was pretty quiet.
25:52
Lisa Smith: I'm so sorry.
25:53
Lisa Smith: Uh that one catches me off guard.
25:57
Don Smith: I here's why I think this is a good question because most I I think that while most marriages, husbands and wives will say, yes, that's a truth, they're just like you in this moment, just like me in this moment.
26:09
Don Smith: We don't really know what it looks like.
26:10
Lisa Smith: What does that look like?
26:11
Lisa Smith: I don't I don't know.
26:12
Don Smith: I know it's true, but I don't know what it looks like.
26:15
Lisa Smith: That's great.
26:16
Lisa Smith: You're some people can see being supported as okay, well, he's the provider of the home.
26:21
Lisa Smith: He goes to work and he does all these things, but he doesn't know what my favorite coffee drink is.
26:27
Don Smith: When we go to Chai Latte.
26:29
Lisa Smith: That is my preference if we go somewhere uh that because I'm not a super big Earl Grey, London fog.
26:38
Don Smith: Let's go.
26:41
Lisa Smith: Um, so Earl Grey tea or a London fog if they have it.
26:45
Lisa Smith: But gosh, you threw me off.
26:49
Lisa Smith: But those are kind of the not even really the big things.
26:52
Lisa Smith: I mean the knowing me, seeing me is listening to me also being present.
27:03
Don Smith: There you go.
27:03
Don Smith: That's so powerful.
27:05
Don Smith: But I I'm glad that this is a tough question because I think it it proves a point.
27:09
Lisa Smith: Okay, that most people know what we don't know.
27:12
Don Smith: We know what we want, we just don't know what it should look like.
27:14
Lisa Smith: Yeah.
27:15
Don Smith: You know, and so we get so frustrated in the sense that thank you for that, but that's not really what I want.
27:21
Don Smith: Well, what do you want?
27:22
Don Smith: I don't know.
27:22
Lisa Smith: And I think I've said that too.
27:24
Lisa Smith: Before when I've struggled with some stuff.
27:27
Lisa Smith: And I just go, I'm not sure.
27:28
Don Smith: And the fixer says, What am I supposed to do?
27:30
Lisa Smith: I know something is missing in this, but I can't pinpoint what it is.
27:36
Lisa Smith: What we can do, what we need to do, it's just experiment.
27:39
Don Smith: Yes.
27:40
Don Smith: Let's just wrestle through it.
27:41
Don Smith: Try something.
27:42
Don Smith: Even if it's the right, if it doesn't work, at least you're working through it.
27:45
Don Smith: Now you know what doesn't work.
27:47
Don Smith: You know what I'm saying?
27:48
Don Smith: And that's very important.
27:48
Don Smith: All right, one last question, and then we're we're gonna we're gonna get out of here and uh let them on with their day.
27:54
Don Smith: I said being seen means your spouse can name your pain before you do.
28:00
Don Smith: Uh after almost 35 years of marriage, um, we got a we're a few months away from that.
28:05
Lisa Smith: Yeah.
28:06
Don Smith: Ooh, I think we should plan a trip to uh Mexico or somewhere.
28:09
Don Smith: But anyway, uh 35's a lot.
28:12
Don Smith: It's yeah, it's it's a number.
28:13
Don Smith: You should celebrate.
28:14
Don Smith: Yeah, it's a number.
28:15
Lisa Smith: Every year is a nice number to celebrate.
28:18
Don Smith: Uh what's something you wish more couples knew uh about paying attention like that?
28:25
Don Smith: Like I know your pain before you say it.
28:29
Lisa Smith: Gosh, I don't know.
28:32
Lisa Smith: I think if you're present, you know each other in that way.
28:38
Lisa Smith: You end up just knowing.
28:41
Lisa Smith: I I don't know.
28:43
Don Smith: So I'll come home from a a meeting, a leadership meeting or a tough meeting where I was gonna have to address or be involved or there's a tough situation, and leadership teams like uh those things.
28:54
Don Smith: I can come home from a meeting and right away, as soon as I walk in the door, you know instantly whether it was a good meeting or whether it was a meeting that, you know, I I I felt like a heavy meeting, not like a bad meeting.
29:07
Don Smith: I I love our leadership team, and I don't think we we really ever had bad meetings.
29:11
Don Smith: Uh but it's that's a heavy.
29:13
Don Smith: And you you you can say, not a good meeting, huh?
29:18
Lisa Smith: Oh, that didn't go that great.
29:21
Don Smith: Uh and so it's like one of those things, or I can get a sense from you, um, you know, sometimes that like there's something disturbed in your spirit.
29:30
Don Smith: I might not know exactly what it is, but I and I'll start, I'll start asking probing questions, like, hey, you know, uh, without saying her name, how how's our daughter, right?
29:39
Don Smith: Or I'll start asking probing questions, trying to figure out which where what direction, how are the grandkids, you know, how's this one, how's that one?
29:46
Don Smith: And based on how she answers it, then I can figure out, okay, that's where, that's where the heavyness is at this moment.
29:55
Don Smith: Uh, and from there, I so we just know, right?
29:59
Don Smith: I think that a lot of married people.
30:01
Lisa Smith: If you live with someone long enough, you kind of know their personality.
30:04
Don Smith: And you know right away something's not right.
30:06
Don Smith: You should know.
30:07
Don Smith: Yes.
30:08
Don Smith: And then, but what we start doing is we get defensive instantly.
30:10
Lisa Smith: We think it's about us for some reason.
30:13
Lisa Smith: Why do we make everything about us?
30:15
Lisa Smith: Yes.
30:15
Lisa Smith: It might not be, it might be something else.
30:17
Don Smith: And you just need to know your role in it in that moment.
30:19
Don Smith: How can I help?
30:20
Don Smith: Yeah.
30:20
Don Smith: Uh, what do you need from me?
30:22
Don Smith: Uh, and I I remember, and I've said this before in a marriage sermon series.
30:26
Don Smith: If I asked once, I asked a thousand times when we were working on things all those years ago, man.
30:31
Don Smith: You know, like, uh, that was my question.
30:34
Don Smith: How can I help?
30:35
Don Smith: How can I help?
30:36
Don Smith: And that doesn't mean Lisa always knew how to answer it.
30:39
Lisa Smith: I'm not gonna say it didn't drive me crazy.
30:41
Lisa Smith: Because sometimes it did.
30:43
Don Smith: Because I just wanted to know, like, what can I do?
30:45
Don Smith: Where's my role?
30:46
Don Smith: Who am I in this moment?
30:48
Don Smith: Uh, because I know uh I'm the fixer, I admit that.
30:52
Don Smith: Uh, and I want to fix things so you don't have the right to be mad anymore.
30:55
Lisa Smith: And I know that, so that's why I tell you, I don't need you to fix it.
30:59
Don Smith: And and that's how Lisa started preference to that.
31:01
Don Smith: Listen, I don't need you to fix anything.
31:02
Don Smith: I just need you to listen.
31:04
Don Smith: Uh, or she would say, I'm gonna share my heart, and then you're gonna go fix it.
31:08
Don Smith: Like those are empowered, those both of those statements, Lisa, I think are very empowering statements if couples will learn how to use them with honor.
31:18
Don Smith: And it can be.
31:19
Don Smith: Yes, it wasn't never said out of anger.
31:21
Don Smith: It was always said, Hey, I don't need you to fix anything, I just need you to listen.
31:25
Don Smith: Or uh, hey, I'm gonna share my heart and then I'm gonna need you to go deal with that.
31:29
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
31:30
Don Smith: Uh, and and that's just so empowering.
31:33
Don Smith: If couples will learn to use that correctly.
31:35
Don Smith: And so, man, this is a great thing.
31:38
Don Smith: Uh, now listen, uh, if you've been, if you've been paying to wedded attention to Wedded Wednesday, uh, if you're on our podcast, those type of things, um, we've we've designed devotionals, every six-day devotionals that follow the sermon.
31:51
Don Smith: So we got the sermon on Sunday, and then Monday through Saturday, a devotional follows that points us back as married couples to that sermon.
31:58
Don Smith: And we hope that you've been taking advantage of it.
32:00
Don Smith: We asked for 56 days, didn't we?
32:02
Don Smith: We asked the church, give us 56 days.
32:04
Don Smith: And uh, yeah, it's an eight-week sermon series.
32:07
Don Smith: Okay, it's a long time, but how long do you plan on being married, right?
32:10
Lisa Smith: I don't think it's a good thing.
32:11
Don Smith: Till death do us part, is what you agreed.
32:14
Lisa Smith: Uh so every sermon is practical to everyone's practical hazard you have in your life.
32:20
Don Smith: And this coming week it's gonna be just as practical again.
32:22
Don Smith: And so take that do the seven-day challenge.
32:35
Don Smith: Perfect.
32:36
Lisa Smith: And that's what helps people.
32:38
Don Smith: Yeah.
32:38
Don Smith: And let me sum it up.
32:39
Don Smith: This week's challenge is that that 10-minute uh a night, tell me more, and and I hear you statement.
32:45
Don Smith: 10 minutes every night, tell me more about your day.
32:47
Don Smith: Uh um, you know, and I hear what you're saying.
32:50
Don Smith: That curiosity question every morning is, am I not enough, right?
32:55
Don Smith: And that means uh that you've got to just say, hey, where in life, right, do I need to step up here?
33:01
Don Smith: And uh which do you think will be the hardest for couples as they do it?
33:07
Don Smith: Do you think it'll be the the 10-minute thing or the curiosity question?
33:11
Lisa Smith: Curiosity.
33:12
Don Smith: Yeah, I agree.
33:12
Don Smith: I agree.
33:13
Lisa Smith: So because that's looking back at yourself.
33:16
Don Smith: Am I not enough?
33:17
Lisa Smith: Yeah.
33:17
Don Smith: Yeah.
33:18
Lisa Smith: Because it's not about it, shouldn't be about you.
33:22
Don Smith: Now, if you're listening, this sermon came out of 1 Samuel chapter 1, verses 1 through 18.
33:27
Don Smith: Okay, if you want to read that in the scripture, if you didn't see the sermon, but I encourage you, go to the YouTube page uh and do that as well.
33:33
Don Smith: You know, maybe in the show notes, we'll just start tagging a link to these sermons.
33:37
SPEAKER_02: That would be a good thing.
33:38
SPEAKER_02: I can do that easily.
33:39
Don Smith: I can do that easily.
33:40
Don Smith: So we'll start putting the link to the sermon, uh the YouTube link in the show notes as well.
33:45
Don Smith: So you can just go down into the show notes.
33:47
Don Smith: Some people would have some curiosity about what we're we want you to spend some time in the show notes because in the show notes, you can become a supporter of the show monthly.
33:56
Don Smith: Uh, you can buy us a sweet tea and a little Debbie snack cake.
33:59
Don Smith: If you just want to give us a one-time gift, uh, that kind of thing, you can do that.
34:02
Don Smith: Uh you can pray for it.
34:04
Don Smith: Yeah, there's a lot of things that's going on in the show notes.
34:06
Don Smith: Uh, my new book just came out.
34:08
Don Smith: There's a link there with Total Abandon, all about discipleship and our heart towards that.
34:12
Don Smith: Uh uh and plus we'll just put the link to the sermon in there.
34:15
Don Smith: That's a great idea.
34:16
Don Smith: Thank you for that.
34:17
Lisa Smith: You're welcome.
34:18
Don Smith: You're right.
34:18
Don Smith: Thanks.
34:21
Don Smith: Let's pray for them.
34:22
Don Smith: Lord, we love you.
34:23
Don Smith: Thank you for today, Weathered Wednesday.
34:26
Don Smith: What a great morning we have had.
34:28
Don Smith: Hope that it blesses people that they press in.
34:31
Don Smith: Lord, that you can come meet married people where they're at so that they can begin to have the blessings in their marriage, Lord, that you desire for them.
34:40
Lisa Smith: Yes, thank you, Lord, for each one that listens, Father God.
34:44
Lisa Smith: And I just thank you that you're doing something in their hearts right now, Father God, that you're drawing them closer to you and closer to each other.
34:53
Lisa Smith: Let them explore what presence is for them, Lord, and how to walk that out.
34:59
Lisa Smith: And I thank you for what you're doing in their lives in Jesus' name.
35:02
Don Smith: Amen.
35:03
Don Smith: Now, those who are listening on Facebook Live, if you want the show notes, you're gonna have to go to uh Spotify, uh, Apple Podcast, wherever you get your podcast, find Wedded Wednesday with Donna Lisa, pull up this episode, um, Mana for Marriage, right?
35:17
Don Smith: When love's nothing good.
35:19
Lisa Smith: Yes, that's what I'm getting to.
35:20
Don Smith: If you just subscribe, then it automatically comes wherever you listen to podcasts at.
35:24
Don Smith: I don't know.
35:25
Don Smith: All of us probably have our favorite podcasts.
35:27
Don Smith: I got a couple of them.
35:28
Don Smith: Some of them are on leadership, uh, some of them are funny.
35:32
Don Smith: There's one of them that I really love, uh Tavin Dillard.
35:35
Don Smith: He is hilarious.
35:37
Lisa Smith: We get to go see him.
35:38
Don Smith: We're gonna go see him soon.
35:40
Don Smith: It's just so funny.
35:41
Don Smith: I love listening to him.
35:42
Don Smith: It's just fun.
35:43
Don Smith: It's not, I mean, it's just really fun and it's not anything heavy.
35:47
Don Smith: Uh so wherever you're listening to the podcast at, please just like, share, and subscribe uh to Wedded Wednesdays and talk about it.
35:54
Don Smith: Maybe you don't know that I have a uh podcast of my own.
35:57
Don Smith: Uh Talk About It with PD, where I take relevant topics with biblical perspectives, and we talk about it.
36:03
Don Smith: You know you want to?
36:04
Lisa Smith: So do I.
36:05
Lisa Smith: So do I.
36:06
Don Smith: That's good.
36:06
Don Smith: You can yeah, so you can do all of that in the show notes.
36:10
Don Smith: Uh, it's all there.
36:11
Don Smith: We love you.
36:11
Don Smith: We're so thankful each and every week that you show back up and uh you either watch or you listen.
36:17
Don Smith: However, you do that.
36:18
Don Smith: Do us the biggest favor you can.
36:20
Don Smith: Pray for us and share the link on your social media.
36:27
Don Smith: There are people you know that would benefit from this conversation today.
36:30
Don Smith: And uh Lisa and I try not to be stuffy.
36:33
Don Smith: We try not to, it's not some professional kind of like network or thing.
36:37
Don Smith: It's just us having a conversation.
36:39
Lisa Smith: So our bloopers are in it.
36:40
Don Smith: Yeah, we don't cut anything off.
36:41
Don Smith: It's just what it is, right?
36:42
Don Smith: That's what it was.
36:43
Don Smith: All right, we love you.
36:44
Don Smith: God bless you, and we will see you next week.
36:47
Don Smith: See y'all next week.
36:48
Lisa Smith: Have a great week.