Latest / Start Your Comeback: Rebuilding after Divorce, Empty Nest, and Loss of Spouse / Anger: Fuel for Your Comeback, Not Your Destruction

Transcript

Anger: Fuel for Your Comeback, Not Your Destruction · Start Your Comeback: Rebuilding after Divorce, Empty Nest, and Loss of Spouse

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Is there a major life transition benching you?
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: I know you may be asking what's next?
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: What's my purpose?
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: What if?
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Because I've asked those too.
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Start your Comeback podcast.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: I'm Toni Thrash, a certified life coach, and I want to share the tools and practical steps to help you create a winning game plan to move into your new adventure.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: Hi, welcome back.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: You're listening to episode 90.
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: I'm so thrilled you're here, not just because I love having you along, but because today's topic is one most people want to avoid, like a bad haircut or an awkward family dinner, but not us.
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: We're going to walk straight into it, because today we are talking about anger.
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: Now, I'm just guessing, but I bet you're a little like me.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: You put on the everything's fine face while something's boiling underneath the surface.
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: It's like carrying a pot of soup to the table, smiling all the while, but if someone bumps your elbow, that hot mess is spilling everywhere.
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: That hot mess is spilling everywhere.
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: And if you're in the middle of a transition, such as divorce, the loss of a spouse, a major move or retirement, then you know exactly what I'm talking about.
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: Anger isn't just part of the story.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: It's sitting in the front row, arms crossed.
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: It's sitting in the front row, arms crossed, waiting to be heard.
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: I want you to understand something up front Anger can show up in all the stages.
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: We've talked about Shock, limbo and re-entry.
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: It doesn't punch a time clock, it's not confined to one phase, one moment or one person.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: It lingers, it likes to stay a while and if we're not intentional, it takes the will.
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: Let's be honest.
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: Anger doesn't just show up out of nowhere.
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: It's been there a while, hasn't it Nestled in behind the lying eyes, the cheating hearts and the ears that stopped listening a long time ago.
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: And when the shock wears off and reality slaps you in the face, anger steps in like finally, it's my turn.
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: But here's where things get dicey.
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: If we don't handle that anger with care, here's where things get dicey.
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: If we don't handle that anger with care, it doesn't just mess with us, it wreaks havoc on everyone around us, especially the people we love the most.
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: I'm talking about our kids, our close friends.
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: You get the picture.
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: So let's talk through this honestly, because anger, believe it or not, isn't all bad.
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: There's a reason why God gave it to us.
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: There are some benefits it can offer, but, just like fire, if it's not contained it burns everything in its path.
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: I've got seven benefits of anger.
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: Let's just jump right in.
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: Number one anger can move you.
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: It has velocity.
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: It'll get your rear in gear when nothing else will.
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: It will push you to get out of a toxic situation or speak up after years of staying silent.
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: It can be the fuel that gets you to counseling.
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: Number two anger helps us survive.
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: It's the emotion that tells us this isn't safe.
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: It warns us when someone is trying to manipulate or harm us.
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: That gut punch feeling when someone crosses a line.
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: That's anger doing its job.
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: It ensures we don't just lie down and take it.
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: But let me flip the coin on this one Anger isn't supposed to be weaponized.
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: It's not an excuse to explode on your kids but we do.
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: It's not meant to tear someone down online or to destroy the ex just because they hurt you.
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: That's not surviving, that's transferring pain and often the people closest to you catch the worst of it.
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: Here's what I've learned when we're in the survival mode, we can be so wrapped up in our own emotions that we miss the warning signs in our kids.
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: You see, they're watching you and if anger is all they see, they're going to think that it's normal to be angry all the time.
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: Don't teach them to swallow pain or spew fire.
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: Teach them to walk through it honestly.
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: Number three anger motivates us.
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: Sometimes that frustration becomes the very thing that helps us to make a change.
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: You realize something's not right and you finally act like I'm going to do something about this.
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: You get serious about your boundaries, your finances, your faith healing because you're just that ticked off.
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: But here's the danger Anger should not be your motivator to destroy someone.
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: As I just mentioned, it will get you.
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: I get it.
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: You want the people who hurt you to feel it.
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: But if your goal becomes revenge, you'll torture your own future in the process.
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: Just don't do that, especially in divorce.
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: If your kids see you obsessed with tearing down their other parent, guess what they learn?
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: They learn to destroy what they don't understand, and that's not who you are and the legacy you want to leave, not if you're serious about coming back.
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: Number four anger can give you a sense of control.
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: When everything feels like it's falling apart, anger steps in and gives you something to hold on to.
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: It feels like power and in some ways it is.
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: It gives you the energy to act, to get things done, but it's not the kind of control that makes you micromanage every word, every schedule or every moment of someone else's life.
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: That's not control, that's fear wearing a cape.
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: Let it go.
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: Take it from someone who tried that path and wound up more exhausted than empowered.
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: Number five anger can increase cooperation.
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: Weirdly enough, when expressed properly, anger can create respect.
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: It sets the tone.
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: People stop walking all over you.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: They learn where the lines are.
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: So if you've been bullied in your past, I know what you're tempted to think.
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: It's my turn now.
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: But that's not the comeback we're working toward.
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: We don't sink to that level.
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: Number six anger can spark self-improvement.
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: It shines a light on the places we need to grow.
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: Maybe you've ignored red flags, maybe you've played small for too long, Maybe you were too passive or too controlling.
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: Anger can wake you up to all of it.
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: But here's the thing we cannot fix everything all at once.
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: That's burnout waiting to happen, one thing at a time.
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: Remember, you don't need to be perfect, you just need to be present.
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: And finally, number seven anger expands our emotional intelligence.
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: Here's the real kicker.
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: If you let anger rise up, here's the real kicker.
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: If you let anger rise up, be acknowledged and walk through, it will make you more emotionally aware, not less.
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: But if you stuff it down into the back corner of your mind and slap a smile on your face, it will eat you alive.
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: Sleepless nights, racing thoughts, little triggers that cause big blow-ups that's what happens when you pretend anger isn't there.
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: So here's the bottom line.
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: You might be angry with yourself.
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: Maybe you waited too long, you thought you could change someone.
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: You feel like a fool for believing them.
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: You're furious because you didn't tell anybody about how bad it really was, and let's not sugarcoat it.
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: Maybe you've been lied to, cheated on, ignored or dismissed and you want justice, you want revenge and you want them to pay.
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: But, friend, here's the truth.
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: Voicing your anger is the beginning of healing, even if your voice shakes, even if it's messy.
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: Speak it, write it, pray it.
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: Speak it, write it, pray it.
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: Get a counselor when have you heard that before?
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: Maybe go to divorce care, talk to your pastor.
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: Just don't walk through this alone.
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: Anger is a useful emotion, but only if we allow it to teach us and not destroy us.
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: Your kids don't need to see a perfect parent.
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: They need to see an honest one, a healing one.
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: They need to see that anger can be walked through with grace, grit and growth.
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: I'm no psychologist, but I've been through it and I know someone listening today needed to hear this.
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: You don't have to be consumed by it because you can come out on the other side stronger.
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: Your comeback includes every part of you, even the angry parts.
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: So let's deal with it, not deny it.
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: Remember, keep going, keep healing and remember your comeback is already in motion.
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: I'll see you next time.
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: Hey, thanks for listening.
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: I don't take it for granted that you're here.
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: Hey, thanks for listening.
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: I don't take it for granted that you're here.
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: You didn't listen by mistake.
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: If you want to reach out, you can DM me on Instagram at Tony Thrash Until next week.
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: Remember, there's still time left on the clock.
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: Let's get you off the bench to start your comeback.
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: I want to give a special shout out to Country Club for the original music.
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: You can find them on Instagram at Country Club.
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: Thank you.