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An Unlikely Affair: Finding Light After Loss (Part Two) · Untraditionally Lala

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Hi, Amber. Hi, Lola.
• 0:03
  Speaker 2: Welcome to An Unlikely Affair. We're back with Christina Perry. Hi, babe. Hey.
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: Some people who aren't in the program, they think you
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: complete the 12 steps and you're good to go. And
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: it's like you are revisiting them for your entire life
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: because we are only human and new situations come into play.
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: And I may handle it.
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: Like an alcoholic because that's me and then i've got
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: to tap back in just because you get sober you
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: don't turn into jesus christ where you're walking on water
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: and turning the other cheek yeah yeah it's about keeping
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: our side of the street clean because we are controlling
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: we want to control everything yeah and to have to
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: give that up and say what can i control myself
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: yeah It's like, but I want to control you too.
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I face that every day. And as
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: a mom of two girls, I'm like, oh my God.
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: Like I, you know, I actually think I kept my
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: family together for so long because I wanted so badly
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: to control. And I had this conversation right before this
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: new season of my life. And it was like, no, I,
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: my idea that I'm controlling everyone is a delusion anyway.
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: Like if I'm like just holding on to this thing,
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: in hopes that I am also controlling my children's lives.
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: I also, obviously, I care for them. I take care
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: of them, all that. But their lives are their lives, too.
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: So every day is a lesson in learning this. So
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: how do you control that? So in the moment of like,
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: oh my God, I want to.
• 1:32
  Speaker 3: Control the situation, what is the action that you take
• 1:36
  Speaker 3: to help you get out of that moment of trying
• 1:37
  Speaker 3: to obsessively control the situation?
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: I mean, I feel like the best thing is the pause.
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: I feel like I've only learned... I heard this one time...
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: in a meeting where someone's like, the longer you are sober,
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: that's how many seconds you have of a pause, like
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: in years. So it's like I have 14 seconds because
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: I have 14 years of sobriety, so I only have
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: 14 seconds of pause before I lash out. But I
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: feel like it's very true because it's a practice. I've
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: gotten better at that. So I think that if I'm
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: in a situation, I mean, I'm Italian Leo person, And
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: a woman. And so I'm like, I can go from
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: zero to a thousand in a second. So I've really
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: learned how to.
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: Like the pause for me is almost like imperative because I,
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: I will, I will send the text. I will, I
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: will cut off my credit card. I will, you know,
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: like I will block the person, you know, I will
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: do things. And then, uh, you know, I don't want
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: to feel, this is what looking like 40 looks like
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: for me is I just want peace. And so I
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: don't want to feel my central nervous system so dysregulated
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: all the time. So for me now, I'm very much,
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: I'm not perfect at it, but I very much like,
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: have to ground myself as woo as that sounds like
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: I have to literally like take a breath see where
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: my feet are like if my girls are in crisis
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: it's different like I handle the situation the best I
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: can and then deal with it later like mentally but
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: like when it comes to relationships and conflicts and things
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: like I'm just I will also say that I can't
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: take full credit for this um but going through grief
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: like going through the deepest grief um which I did
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: go through uh catapults you. And also what I've heard
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: to like a level of like wisdom, that's like what
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: old people have. So like, you know, older people look
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: back and they're like, Oh yes, I used to care
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: so much about this or that. Like grief kind of
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: does that too. Especially I have a couple of friends
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: who've lost a child and it's like, wow, every single
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: thing I cared about before does not even hit my
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: radar as much. I mean, obviously like I'm, I'm still human,
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: but it's like, I have a barometer and it's like,
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: is this anywhere near anything I've ever felt? Like, you know,
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: and then the answer is always no. And then I
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: can handle it.
• 3:57
  Speaker 3: I think you're changed to a cellular level going through
• 4:00
  Speaker 3: something like that. You know, you imagine you are, and
• 4:03
  Speaker 3: you stayed sober during that period as well.
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: I did.
• 4:06
  Speaker 3: I did.
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: That was like, I mean, I don't know how much
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: you want me to get into it, but I, um, when, uh, well,
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: Carmela was turning three when we lost Rosie. So, I
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: look forward to later in my life telling Carmela how
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: she saved my life. Like she really, like I would
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: never tell her now, but I don't think she could. I,
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: she thinks she, she might understand that she's very deep,
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: but like, I wouldn't want to put that on her yet,
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: you know? But I, I had, fortunately I had Carmela
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: to take care of. And like when, when Rosie died,
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: like I had this two and a half year old
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: who was ready to be a big sister who, like
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: I had to explain death to her. I had to
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: be so present. Like I didn't get the luxury of
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: checking out. Like I couldn't check out even if I
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: wanted to, which of course I did some days really
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: want to, but I, I couldn't because there she was
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: every day needing, needing me. So I think the, the
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: logistics of like staying sober through that time was really
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: because I was, had a mom to her and I
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: would think to myself, I don't want to lose the
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: daughter I have, you know, like I had, I was
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: sober enough. I do say this. I'm glad I had
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: nine years of sobriety before this happened to me because
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: I really did think I don't want to lose my
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: sobriety because I will not even choose Carmela. Like I
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: will just like, if I even crack, if I even
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: looked through the window of what that would be, I
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: felt like I would have lost my whole life. And, and,
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: and I just had this sense of, of, of, um,
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: accountability that kept me sober those first couple of months. Then,
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: cause I look at grief, like, um, I always said
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: it was like a house and I was in a room,
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: like when Rosie died, there was like a room I
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: was in for like six weeks. And then I, I
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: like kind of grew out of that room and moved
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: to a different room. And then I remember it was
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: Christmas and I was like, oh gosh, we should go
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: see the Rockefeller. Cause we were in New York at
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: the time. And I was like, oh, we should celebrate
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: a holiday. Like I was waking up a little bit
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: from the grief. And then that evolved. And every single
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: time I kind of moved through life, I was moving
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: to different rooms of this grief house. And what's interesting,
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: it was easier to stay sober the first six months
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: after losing Rosie than it was the next six months.
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: Because something happened where I kind of like, I guess
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: it's also the stages of grief. I was out of denial.
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: You know, like I kind of realized this is real.
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: This really happened. And then I actually started taking an SSRI,
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: which I never did in sobriety. Not because I really
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: had a judgment on it, but even though a lot
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: of people do. I'm a dummy.
• 6:49
  Speaker 2: What's an SSRI?
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I actually was like suicidal. February of 2021. So
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: like just a couple months after Rosie died was actually
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: way harder than the very beginning, if that can make
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: any sense. But it's because I just kept returning to
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: my body and I just kept like realizing what was
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: going on. And then I just, I had a very
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: scary moment where I, I thought that I just didn't
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: want to be here. And, and, and I told my
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: therapist and she was like, I think it's time. And
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: I was like, I do anything to, to, to stop drowning.
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: Like I need to take care of now. Carmel was
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: three and some change. And I was like, you know,
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: how do I, how do I do this? So, so
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: I did like need help. It's just that I, I'm
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: just so grateful that I chose the things I chose
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: over drugs and alcohol. I also think that because I
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: was sober nine years, I knew that drugs and alcohol
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: would be one more problem instead of solving any of it.
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: And I was like, I know that I'm So I drove,
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: I dove right into EMDR. I dove right into, uh,
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: so much somatic healing, so much, uh, grief, trauma work,
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: because I was like, at one point I was also
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: sober enough to know, like, I have to do work. Like,
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: there's no way I'm going to wake up and just
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: be better. And then I also got progressively worse. So
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: as soon as I started taking an SSRI, which saved
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: my life. And I've like, there's so many different little
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: pillars along my story that like, you know, I'm really,
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: I'm really glad I did that. And it allowed me
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: to show up for my daughter and me and then
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: continue healing because I had to do so much. I mean,
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: I had to like, uh, process the unprocessable. Like I,
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: you know, I was just like broken and changed forever.
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: Like all the, all the things you can possibly imagine.
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: And then also be present and raise a daughter who
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: also lost her sister, who also was in grief trauma, uh, like, um,
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: art therapy, music therapy. Like I was trying to help
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: Carmela understand. Um, so yeah, woof. It was, it was
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: a brutal couple of years, but I'm, I, I just, I,
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: can't believe I didn't get loaded. And then I also
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: very much know why I didn't get loaded. Like it
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: was not, it would not have helped.
• 9:05
  Speaker 3: It's just such a testament one to who you are
• 9:08
  Speaker 3: as a woman and to, to how well the program works.
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: If you really give it your all, if.
• 9:17
  Speaker 3: You step into it and like the fact that you
• 9:20
  Speaker 3: were able to recognize even after sobriety and not using
• 9:23
  Speaker 3: drugs and alcohol going, okay, wait, I'm in a dark
• 9:26
  Speaker 3: place because you get to that place where you're just like,
• 9:30
  Speaker 3: what's the point of life without even losing a child?
• 9:33
  Speaker 3: People go through depression and anxiety that gets them to
• 9:36
  Speaker 3: that really fucking dark, scary place.
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: And I don't even know how you survived that.
• 9:40
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: Thank you. Yeah.
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: I don't either. Honestly, your baby one day at a time. Yeah. Yes.
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: Carmela saved my life. Yeah. And, uh, and also just,
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: you know, taking the next right action and, and doing
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: literally everything I learned in the program. Like, and I
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: will say too, like I was, a, um, a vision
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: for you. Like at that time, like I was not
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: going to meetings. The last thing I think I shared
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: about this too. And when I, when I speak a
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: lot now, I share about grief because I never heard
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: enough people really talk about grief in AA or in,
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: in just being sober and having grief. And, um, I
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: just didn't want anyone to look at me. Like I
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: didn't want to go to meetings and like, I didn't
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: want to feel like I didn't want to see you
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: see me. Like it was like such, I was like
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: the grim reaper because here's, I'll tell you, like, obviously
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: in life we all lose, you know, our parents or
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: our pets or our grandparents. And like, we have okay
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: support systems around that, you know?
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: And I don't mean to cut you off, but those
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: things that you like, pets love my, my dogs. But
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: that for me is like the circle of life, right?
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: No matter what you believe in, I feel like we
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: were put on this planet well-equipped to handle the passing
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: of our grandparents and our parents. I don't think that
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: God or our higher power made it so that we
• 11:06
  Speaker 2: know how to handle the loss of our child.
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah, absolutely not. It's the worst thing I could ever—
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: imagine it's also our biggest fear when we're pregnant.
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: 100%. And like, I.
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: Say that a lot. I mean, I speak to women
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: all the time and I have been so loved through this.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: I just want to say like, I am now, it's
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: been five and a half years and I'm sitting here yes,
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: I've done X, Y, and Z to be this way,
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: but I've also been carried by women I don't even know.
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: This is why I like the internet. There's so many
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: layers to it. But when I shared about my experience,
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: the outpouring of love, I think it was bigger. I
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: say this to some of my closest friends. I think
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: losing Rosie and the effect that that had on people
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: and the way people reached out to me was a
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: hundred times bigger than any of my successes. Like literally like,
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: you know, whatever I've been, I've done or whatever, it's
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: been cool. Like, you know, I hear from everyone, like
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: I grew up with or whatever, but like, it's actually
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: pretty beautiful that like when I, when I lost Rosie,
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: I feel like so many people felt that, that I
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: didn't even know or that like, I intuitively knew that
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: that is not normal for us humans to go through that.
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: So I must love this person even more. There's sort
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: of a silver lining where I felt very loved. I
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: could never say I don't feel incredibly loved. And not
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: just by my friends and family, but by random people
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: all over the world helped me get through that and
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: walked me through it. And then now that's what I do.
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: So I talk to... People all the time. And like genuinely,
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: I do believe that it's the most unnatural thing in
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: the world and that no one is equipped for that.
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: And so I don't shame myself for not going to meetings,
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: for not connecting with other people. I remember there was
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: a point where I couldn't hang out with anyone who
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: had a kid. even though I had a kid, but
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: I couldn't be around life, you know? I couldn't be around... Like,
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: I went through all the things. I did not, like, just...
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: I wasn't just well, like, right away. I was, like, incredibly...
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: I had... really hard conversations with people. Like I couldn't,
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: I couldn't handle the picture of a baby with a
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: hat on, like, you know, when they're born and like,
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: you know, we're in the season of family building our age. And,
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: you know, so, so many of my friends and family
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: were having kids.
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: Couldn't even look.
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: Couldn't look. I mean, it would mess me up for days.
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: And then I would be like, why am I being
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: such a dick? And then it's like, oh, right. I
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: saw a picture of a baby. Like I had to like,
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: Like I really, really went through these parts and I
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: really didn't do it perfectly, but I still stayed, I think,
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: connected to the most important people like my sponsors. So like,
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: even though I wasn't going to meetings because I didn't
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: want to be the grim reaper when I'd walk in
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: the room, no one looked at me in the eye.
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: Like everyone, like I would like, and again, this is
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: what I was going to say, like, You know, when
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: we go through loss, like we can look at someone
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: and say, I'm so sorry for the loss of your
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: grandmother or whatever. But like when someone loses a kid,
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: they cannot look at you unless they've been through it.
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: So when you, or, you know, or are more, I
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: shouldn't say through it exactly the same, but if you've
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: had a version of grief that I've had, I can
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: see it from across the room. Like I can connect
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: with you immediately. You can say her name.
• 14:35
  Speaker 3: Fine.
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: Like it's, it's really fascinating. Wow. Like grief connects you
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: on like the next layer of like humanity. And so
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: I don't wish that on anyone to know grief that,
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: that well, but those people that could handle me and
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: hold space for me.
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: Were the ones I stayed very connected to and, and
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: stayed sober because I stayed seen just by them. But I,
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: I was hidden from the world for a very long time.
• 15:00
  Speaker 3: And then you had the courage to, to have another baby,
• 15:02
  Speaker 3: which has to be.
• 15:03
  Speaker 2: Was that like the most terrifying experience?
• 15:06
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: Well, I mean, I, I, I, I, don't want to
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: make you guys cry, but I do think it's important
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: to say. So when I got home from the hospital
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: after losing Rosie, I had, this is very AA of
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: me too. I consulted so many people when I was
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: in the hospital about what I should say to Carmela.
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: Like I have learned to ask for help through sobriety
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: that I, that it's my first go-to. Like I, so
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: I was like, as soon as this happened, I was
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: dealing with physically the worst experience of my life, but
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: in my mind was like, what am I going to
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: say to Carmela? And so my husband, Paul, and I,
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: we sat there for like two days in the hospital
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: writing a script, basically, what we were going to say
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: to her because she thought we were going to come
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: home with the baby. Oh, my God. So we had
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: it all planned out. And a shout out to Dr.
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: Becky Kennedy, who helped me write the script. She's like
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: super toddler mom, you know, and unruffled. And then Dina
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: and Kristen from Big Little Feelings. And Janet Lansbury, who
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: I think is like the mother of all mothers, who
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: wrote the book No Bad Kids. They all wrote to
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: me while I was in the hospital. I reached out
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: to all three of them. And they all helped me
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: with what I was going to say to Carmela.
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: So my husband and I, we got home. Our families
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: were all there. We coordinated like everyone has to not
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: see us because we'll just start to cry if we
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: see our moms. So we were like, we had everybody
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: in a certain room and Carmela was playing in her
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: room with the nanny. And the only reason our nanny
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: Meredith could be there was because she had lost her
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: brother and she was like, I got you. And so
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: she had already been through what I was like, you know,
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: similar to what I was going through. And so she...
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: even our, our moms couldn't look at Carmela for, for
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: a little while. Like they were so, um, upset and,
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: and rightfully so. But Meredith was like, I got this. Like,
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: she's my, she's my ride or die for life. Like we,
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: she's my soul sister. Um, but she was with Carmela
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: so that we wouldn't break down before we saw her.
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: And then she left the room and Carmela was there
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: and she was like playing and she was only, she
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: was almost three. So she turned three in January. And
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: so this was November 24th. And, um, it was Thanksgiving actually,
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: which is why I hate Thanksgiving. And we sat down
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: with her and we were shaking. And I was like,
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: you know, we had practiced the script the whole ride home. And,
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: and then we like, we tell her, we like say
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: what everyone said to say, which is like, you know,
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: your body works and you're healthy and your body works
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: and mommy's body is healthy and my body works and
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: daddy's healthiest body and his body works. And the baby
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: was born and her body didn't work and she died.
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: And then we like said nothing. And like, I don't
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: think I was breathing, honestly. And Carmela was like playing.
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: And then like, I kind of see her process it.
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: And she literally looks at me and Paul and like,
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: we're just sitting there so scared of what's next. And
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: she just says, don't worry, mom and dad, you'll have
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: another baby and her body will work.
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: Oh my gosh.
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: And what's interesting is like, we lost it. Like there
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: was like no real keeping it together after that. Cause
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: she was so serious. And like what two and three
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: quarters child says that, I mean, that was like, and
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: so we were like, you know, we're hugging where, you know,
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: it was, it was very emotional at that point, but
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: I'm telling you that was in my head. every single
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: moment until pixie arrived like everyone's like how did you
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: do that and i'm like listen i mean maybe i
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: am very strong i i've been through so much that
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: i would hope i'm a little stronger than i was
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: the day before you know like i i've been through
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: enough to uh fake it till i make it maybe
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: but like when i got pregnant with pixie I was
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: scared every single day. Every, I mean, every single day.
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: I don't know how I got out of bed. I
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: like in now I, I like, I think back and I,
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: and it terrifies me even more. But back then I just,
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: every single day, Carmela said this, I'm going to give,
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: I almost thought too that I was going to like
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: give Carmela the baby and then just like peace out
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: and move to Hawaii. I was like, it just took
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: so much to make Pixie emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually. Like
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: I was like, I was so exhausted when she came,
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: but like I had to give Carmela her little sister.
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: Like I knew, like I just like made that my mission.
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: And I was like focused as hell. And I, and,
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: but I knew it would be okay because Carmela told
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: me it would be okay.
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: She deserves it. A birthday and a half birthday for
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: the rest of her life.
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: You're so right. You're so right. And she gets it.
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: She gets it. She gets the biggest birthdays and half
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: birthdays ever.
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: I'm very impressed by you.
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: Oh, thank you. Sorry, I'm an emotional person. Please don't
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: say you're sorry. I'm all about emotions.
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: What a beautiful.
• 20:09
  Speaker 4: Story that you have where she said that to you
• 20:12
  Speaker 4: and it was just, you found so much peace in
• 20:15
  Speaker 4: her saying that and throughout the entire journey being like,
• 20:20
  Speaker 4: it's okay because Carmela said it's okay.
• 20:22
  Speaker 2: It's going to be good. Yeah.
• 20:23
  Speaker 3: It's like when Ocean said, so Lala's father passed away
• 20:27
  Speaker 3: and Lala was sharing with me last night that tell
• 20:29
  Speaker 3: her what she said about your dad and how she's
• 20:31
  Speaker 3: like met your dad before.
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: And you're like, this is a great story. When you,
• 20:36
  Speaker 2: She's very into praying recently, and I don't know where
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: that came from. We're not a religious family by any means.
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: But when she prays at night, she prays to my dad.
• 20:48
  Speaker 2: We call him Poppy, and she's never met him, obviously.
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: And she tells me that she knows Poppy because that's
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: her best friend, that she's met him. So when she
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: prays at night, she tells him, like, Dear Poppy, I
• 21:03
  Speaker 2: miss you so much. I wish that you were happy
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: and not dead and still alive. And like, she has
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: this very strange connection that I can only attribute to,
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: you know, maybe there is something that I can't explain
• 21:19
  Speaker 2: where they've met before. But I did notice that after
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: my dad passed and I was very deep in my addiction,
• 21:26
  Speaker 2: especially after he died, I did not handle it. my
• 21:30
  Speaker 2: grieving process well at all. But after my dad passed away,
• 21:34
  Speaker 2: so many things had shifted in my life in such
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: a positive direction. I got sober. I had a beautiful daughter.
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: I had the strength to leave her father and give
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: my daughter a beautiful, wonderful life. My second baby, you know,
• 21:53
  Speaker 2: comes into the mix who's just the newest of spirits
• 21:56
  Speaker 2: and so magical. And I'm like, he did this for me. Like,
• 22:02
  Speaker 2: I just feel that on, as Amber says, like a
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: cellular level.
• 22:07
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 22:08
  Speaker 2: And I think during a grieving process, especially for us,
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: where we're in a program where we have to rely
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: on a higher power at times.
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 22:16
  Speaker 2: And then you lose your child and you go, there's
• 22:18
  Speaker 2: no fucking higher power because this would not have happened.
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: Right?
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 22:23
  Speaker 2: You lose, you're like, there's nothing beyond what's here.
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 22:29
  Speaker 2: And- the fact that you stayed sober and I'm sure
• 22:32
  Speaker 2: questioned a higher power on multiple occasions. Yeah.
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: Well, I will say, and I'd love to share this
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: about Rosie because, I mean, that story is incredible about
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: your dad and I fully believe your daughter because I,
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: it's funny. I used to like, say the same thing
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: about my grandfather who died a week before I was born.
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: And like, I just would talk about him and say
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: the weirdest things. And my mom was like, how, like,
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: there's no explaining it. Cause we don't get to know yet,
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: but like, yes, I believe all that. So, um, and
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: it's funny cause I'm spiritual, but I'm not religious. Uh,
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: because well, my, my relationship with God started out as
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: please God help me get sober. Then it was like,
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: please God help me stay sober. Uh, Then it was,
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: please God, do these performances for me because I'm so
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: fucking scared. Like I was like so nervous and I
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: was so sick. I threw up before every show. And
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: I mean, it was like, I would, I would pray to,
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: to like not even be there. I was like, I
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: don't even care what happens, just do it.
• 23:29
  Speaker 2: You know?
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: And I had this surrender, surrender, surrender.
• 23:31
  Speaker 2: And then.
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: When I had Carmela, I actually started questioning that version
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: of a higher power for me because I felt I
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: had postpartum depression. And then I had, and I was like,
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: what the heck? I thought I was going to have
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: a baby and see the face of God. You know, like,
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: where's that? Where's, where is that story? And I felt
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: a little bit on my own, like even though I
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: had people around, but there was like a loneliness that
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: came to me and I was just like, okay, but
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: it wasn't like too big. And then when Rosie died,
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: the amount of people that were praying for her because
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: I was in the hospital for 10 days before, uh,
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: 10 days before she passed away. I, we, we found
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: out about like a medical issue that she had. Turns
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: out she didn't die from that medical issue. She, she, uh,
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: broke all the protocols. Like everyone, I had five different
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: doctors in Manhattan telling me that she would live and
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: she'd be fine and that she'd get surgery when she
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: was born. We met with the surgeon who she was
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: going to get the surgery from. And like that medical
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: condition was completely survivable. she ended up passing away from
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: something that nobody had tested me for that I ended
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: up finding out that I had. And I want to
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: share this because it all ties together into my acceptance
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: of what happened and then also my belief in God
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: or the universe or, you know, Mother Nature, all of it, love,
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: whatever you want to call it. And for me, it
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: happened about maybe... Six months after I lost Rosie, I
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: had like someone gifted me like a massage. And there
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: was this woman who I'd never met before. And she
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: said something, she proposed something to me that no one
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: had said to me before and it did nothing anyone
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: had said to me for those first six months helped.
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: Like you can't say everything happens for a reason when
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: someone loses their kid, you can't say any of the
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: things that we've learned to say other than like, I'm
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: here for you or what, you know, I love you or,
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: you know, there's not much. And, uh, and so I
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: was very angry, uh, when I found out that, that
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: what I had was testable and treatable and that Rosie
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: would be here if I had gotten blood thinners. I'll
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: go more into that in a second, but I had
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: to deal with that anger. And I had to deal
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: with like the idea that that didn't need, it didn't
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: need to happen if I had been tested for this thing. And, uh,
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: and so that all of a sudden got so big
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: in me that I thought that that was going to
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: kill me. I mean, that like knowing that, and then
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: I was walking on a treadmill, I'll never forget this.
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: And I, I was, it was after this woman proposed
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: this thing. So I'll say that first. She said, what
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: if Rosie's life, was only supposed to be 36 weeks. Uh,
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: what if you were chosen by her to carry her
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: for that long, to only be loved by you? She
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: only knew you, she only was loved by you. She,
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: what if she had this greater purpose and how would
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: you feel about that? Because for me, just the idea
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: of like the finite, like, no, this is not what
• 26:41
  Speaker 1: I wanted. I wanted to have her here. she deserves
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: to be here. She deserves to be with me and Carmela.
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: She like, it's what I want, but like, what if
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: there was a bigger, you know, whatever you'd have to
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: believe in, in something to think that there is a purpose.
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: And that, what if that was the exact correct length
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: of her life?
• 26:59
  Speaker 2: And she knew that that was what her purpose was.
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: Yes. And so this is what this woman says to me, massage.
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: And I'm just like, I think it was like laying
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: on my belly and I'm just like, Huh? Like, you know,
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: I didn't like confirm or deny in the moment whether
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: or not I liked that or, you know, but it
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: proposed this, this thing that I then thought of for
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: a while. And then I found out that I had
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: this condition called antiphospholipid syndrome, which is called APS. And
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: then I found out that I could have had Rosie
• 27:28
  Speaker 1: if I had had blood thinner, if I had been
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: tested for it. I then found out that women only
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: get tested for it if they have two or more
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: losses and sometimes three losses. I then found out that 55%
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: of multiple miscarriages are due to APS. I then found
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: out that nobody fucking knows this. And I was walking
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: on this treadmill. I just still remember it so viscerally.
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: I was crying and I was angry. And then I
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: was like, oh, this is what you want me to do.
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: And I was like, I have the resources. I have
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: the people that will listen to me. I can wear
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: the cutest fucking suit and walk into Washington, D.C. and like,
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: you know, Elle Woods the shit out of this. Like,
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: come at me with your, you know, resolutions and your
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: fucking laws. Like, what? Like, I can speak about this
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: forever with only the ability to do that because I
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: already lost everything. I have nothing left to lose as
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: far as Rosie's concerned. I have been through hell and
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: back and no one is going to argue with a
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: bereaved mother who can help babies live for the rest
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: of time and save millions of babies a year because
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: of this. And so that sounds very grandiose at the time.
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: It was just in my brain. Like, I guess I
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: should just call my lawyer. And then, but I did
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: have this like Erin Brockovich moment on this treadmill where
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: I was like, I'm, she picked me to do this.
• 29:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: And here's the thing. I don't also want it to
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: seem like you have to make something that's tragic, have
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: a purpose. Like this is just what worked for me
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: in my deepest grief. I was like, no, I need
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: to understand what the fuck's going on here because no
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: one should feel this way. And if, and then I
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: realized I could save other women from feeling this way.
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: And that's when I was like, Oh, this is my
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: new purpose in life.
• 29:25
  Speaker 2: And you had the platform.
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: Honestly, it made a lot of sense. I was sober, strong.
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: I would do anything for my children. And also being
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: of service is our whole purpose. And like, I don't
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: even need it to be attached to me as a person.
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: I would do this silently if it would just happen. And,
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: and you know what I mean? It didn't have to
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: do with me, although I've been speaking about it as
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: much as I can to, to raise awareness and And
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: then I did spend five years working on it and
• 29:56
  Speaker 1: getting the resolution signed in Congress. And we're right now
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: at the point where they just have to take a vote.
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: But every single person's like, oh my God, oh my God,
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: I didn't know, I didn't know, I didn't know, I
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: didn't know. And I was like, wow, it had to
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: be me. Like it was, it had to be someone.
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: Like someone initiated the gestational diabetes test for all women
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: at 26 weeks. I am now suggesting that this APS
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: blood test be given to women, all women in the
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: first trimester.
• 30:21
  Speaker 2: Wow.
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: And if you have sticky blood, you take blood thinner,
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: your baby's alive. With no complications. None. No side effects,
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: no complications.
• 30:28
  Speaker 2: That is unbelievable.
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: I know.
• 30:40
  Speaker 2: And there you have your purpose.
• 30:42
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: And there, I think, is.
• 30:45
  Speaker 3: What.
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: why I feel so close to Rosie and I, I
• 30:50
  Speaker 1: talk about her every day. Like I would do that
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: maybe anyway, but I just feel like I got you girl.
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: Like when I went to Washington, I'll never forget. I was, uh,
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: the first meeting I had there when they were considering
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: the resolution, I met with 15 Congress people, which was crazy.
• 31:06
  Speaker 1: I mean, I literally was wearing the cutest Alison Olivia
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: little sweater with like, you know, and I just was like,
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: like cracking myself up, walking through Congress. Like who am I? And, um,
• 31:17
  Speaker 1: But the first time that I let myself process what
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: was happening, I think I was almost holding my breath
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: the whole time. And then I got to my hotel
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: room after I got like 15 yeses and I knew
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: it was going to happen. And I called my mom
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: and I had sent my mom a picture of me
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: in front of the Congress building, like behind me, like
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: maybe five minutes before I called her. So apparently she
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: was just sitting there crying, looking at the photo and
• 31:41
  Speaker 1: And so when I called her, I was hysterical, but
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: so was she like already just crying, looking at that photo.
• 31:47
  Speaker 1: And then I, I cried with her on the phone
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: for like 45 minutes and like genuinely think I processed
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: a huge part of my grief that day because I
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: was like, Oh my God, this is all like, this is,
• 31:59
  Speaker 1: this is what like it's happening. This is happening. This
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: is taking something absolutely tragic, changing the history of, the
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: course of history for all women. Uh, like, and I
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: just felt so connected to Rosie and I was just like,
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: I got you.
• 32:16
  Speaker 3: I did it.
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: We did it. We, you know what I mean? She's like,
• 32:20
  Speaker 1: so it's a lot.
• 32:22
  Speaker 2: And that masseuse saying three sentences that was like, where
• 32:27
  Speaker 2: you didn't really accept it, but you didn't deny it.
• 32:29
  Speaker 2: And then realized we're like, okay, this, this could make
• 32:34
  Speaker 2: sense to me. Yeah.
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: Absolutely. And then we talked about it with Carmela. So
• 32:38
  Speaker 1: like with your daughter, Ocean, like, so she also, you know,
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: has like, she talks about Rosie. Like we have, you know,
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: a conversation often about this person who's not with us anymore,
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: which is pretty rare for small kids. And, and Carmela
• 32:51
  Speaker 1: calls Rosie a change maker and she's so proud of
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: her sister. And it's like, it just worth, worth all
• 32:59
  Speaker 1: the things it took to get here. Pixie is amazing.
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: The most phenomenal little kid. What is she like? She
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: is insane.
• 33:09
  Speaker 2: She is.
• 33:13
  Speaker 1: Like, so Carmela's Capricorn, Capricorn, Scorpio. Wow. Such, such like
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: a firstborn.
• 33:19
  Speaker 4: That's a lot.
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: I know.
• 33:20
  Speaker 2: That's a lot.
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: Intense. Yes, very intense. Extraordinary, existential, super smart, emotionally intelligent.
• 33:27
  Speaker 1: Like her teachers, right? Like everyone is lucky that Carmela's
• 33:31
  Speaker 1: in her class. Like she's just like this. this amazing
• 33:35
  Speaker 1: amazing spirit it's.
• 33:36
  Speaker 3: Like my daughter's an Aquarius and it's like she's gonna
• 33:38
  Speaker 3: be so good out in the world like you don't
• 33:40
  Speaker 3: you're not gonna have to worry about her I know
• 33:42
  Speaker 3: but as the mom yeah I mean I don't want
• 33:44
  Speaker 3: to jinx it but I think that I'm like I
• 33:46
  Speaker 3: want Carmel to be in charge of everyone if something
• 33:48
  Speaker 3: goes wrong totally yes she's my like she's got it
• 33:52
  Speaker 3: yes and then her sister came around and Pixie which
• 33:55
  Speaker 3: is kind of what you said like brand new spirit like.
• 33:59
  Speaker 1: Carmel feels in Incredibly old. Like, older than me. Like,
• 34:02
  Speaker 1: maybe was, like, my mom in past life. Okay. Like, Carmela, like,
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: knows so much about cars. And I'm like, did you
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: own a car dealership in the 70s in Vegas? She's like,
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: I had about 12 back then, Mom. Yeah, like, she
• 34:13
  Speaker 1: just says the craziest shit. Yeah, I'm telling you, Carmela
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: makes me believe in all of that. Pixie, first timer.
• 34:20
  Speaker 1: First timer.
• 34:21
  Speaker 2: 100%.
• 34:21
  Speaker 1: Like, whoa, what is this place? And, like, her spirit.
• 34:25
  Speaker 1: And it's funny because I named her Pixie because of,
• 34:28
  Speaker 1: I mean, I'm a big Disney adult, but... Uh, so
• 34:32
  Speaker 1: the way that Peter Pan gets everyone to fly is
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: not just thinking good thoughts, but, uh, it's pixie dust.
• 34:39
  Speaker 1: So pixie dust is what makes them all fly from Tinkerbell.
• 34:42
  Speaker 1: She has to sprinkle it on everybody. And, um, and
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: so to me, I was like, you know, very emo, like,
• 34:47
  Speaker 1: you know, our hearts were very broken and then pixie
• 34:50
  Speaker 1: came and we all just, she made all of us fly.
• 34:54
  Speaker 1: and so I can't that is so sweet that's why
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: she's my little well her name is Pixie Rose obviously
• 34:58
  Speaker 1: after Rosie but I call her my little pixie dust
• 35:01
  Speaker 1: and she walks around and goes like this on everybody
• 35:03
  Speaker 1: she goes it's my pixie dust and she sprinkles everybody
• 35:06
  Speaker 1: like you know so she is like She's so special
• 35:09
  Speaker 1: and so important to my family. And it's like I
• 35:13
  Speaker 1: knew she was there and needed to come here this
• 35:16
  Speaker 1: whole time. I certainly wish every day Rosie was here
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: with them. But she is. Pixie points out every rose
• 35:24
  Speaker 1: she sees in the world, which is a lot. There
• 35:26
  Speaker 1: are roses everywhere. And Pixie talks about her, but doesn't
• 35:29
  Speaker 1: quite understand who she is. Carmela talks about her all
• 35:33
  Speaker 1: the time. And Pixie has completed my family. And I
• 35:38
  Speaker 1: just know that she is here to lighten everything. She's
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: extremely funny. Carmela asks me the most existential questions about
• 35:48
  Speaker 1: aliens and things. And Pixie's making silly voices and talking
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: about farting all day. And it's just delightful. It is
• 35:56
  Speaker 1: the most fun. We have such like a house full
• 35:59
  Speaker 1: of joy. Like this morning, literally just this morning, the
• 36:02
  Speaker 1: two of them, it's like they always know when like
• 36:04
  Speaker 1: I need an extra bit of love. And this morning,
• 36:06
  Speaker 1: the two of them, because they're like besties, they both
• 36:10
  Speaker 1: were competing on who could snuggle me harder. And I
• 36:12
  Speaker 1: was like, I love this. I never want this to end.
• 36:15
  Speaker 2: And that's when you want to freeze time.
• 36:18
  Speaker 1: I know. I know. And I mean, honestly, Pixie's almost
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: four and it's wild to me. But it's also really
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: wonderful to like in my life. I'm now gaining this
• 36:28
  Speaker 1: autonomy again. I'm now like, I've been working for Disney.
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: I'm doing all these things I really want to do
• 36:32
  Speaker 1: now as a songwriter for film and TV. I'm able
• 36:35
  Speaker 1: to put my kids to bed every night, but like
• 36:37
  Speaker 1: work on the coolest projects ever. And like, I like,
• 36:40
  Speaker 1: I just keep. I'm just so blown away by how
• 36:43
  Speaker 1: life keeps unfolding and the gifts of sobriety continuously keep
• 36:48
  Speaker 1: making my life bigger and brighter in spite of all
• 36:51
  Speaker 1: the awful things. And I do share about this because
• 36:55
  Speaker 1: it is worth staying sober through this stuff. I just
• 36:59
  Speaker 1: can't imagine where I'd be if I had gotten loaded.
• 37:02
  Speaker 1: But I continue to do what is suggested of me
• 37:05
  Speaker 1: and continue to walk with women and other women through this.
• 37:08
  Speaker 1: And I just like.
• 37:11
  Speaker 1: I can't deny the promises that continue to come true
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: all day long. It just doesn't look like I thought
• 37:17
  Speaker 1: it was going to look. It just isn't exactly the
• 37:20
  Speaker 1: way I would have done it. But I'm unbelievably grateful.
• 37:24
  Speaker 2: Wow. I'm in awe of you. Thank you. Your story
• 37:29
  Speaker 2: is amazing. Amber was so hyped to have you because
• 37:34
  Speaker 2: of your... Thank you. Where did you see? A meeting, right?
• 37:38
  Speaker 1: You spoke at a meeting.
• 37:39
  Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah.
• 37:40
  Speaker 2: And I was like, she sings my most favorite songs.
• 37:44
  Speaker 2: I was going to walk down the aisle to remind
• 37:47
  Speaker 2: me because I'm so in.
• 37:49
  Speaker 1: A thousand years. A thousand years.
• 37:50
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah. And allegedly, my ex had reached out to
• 37:57
  Speaker 2: you and your team to have you sing at our wedding.
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: No way. I don't know if this is true.
• 38:02
  Speaker 2: He's a liar.
• 38:03
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 38:04
  Speaker 2: But I was under the impression that we were attempting
• 38:07
  Speaker 2: to make that happen. I think you may have been...
• 38:11
  Speaker 2: On maternity leave or something. Okay.
• 38:13
  Speaker 1: When did you get married? We never got married. Thank God.
• 38:16
  Speaker 1: COVID hit. Okay, okay. Oh, this was the ex. This
• 38:19
  Speaker 1: was the ex.
• 38:19
  Speaker 2: Oh, great.
• 38:20
  Speaker 1: Not meant to be. We share an ex. We share
• 38:22
  Speaker 1: an ex. Oh, I love that even more. Yeah, yeah.
• 38:24
  Speaker 1: She was the mistress. I was the wife.
• 38:25
  Speaker 2: She found a sex tape of me and her husband. Sorry,
• 38:30
  Speaker 2: we should have started the podcast with that. No, I'm kidding.
• 38:33
  Speaker 1: I love that, one, I didn't know that, but two,
• 38:35
  Speaker 1: oh my God, this makes me love you guys even more.
• 38:37
  Speaker 1: This is amazing. We're a bit crazy. You make lemonade
• 38:40
  Speaker 1: out of lemons, dude. That's what we do. And that
• 38:42
  Speaker 1: is our gift of sobriety.
• 38:43
  Speaker 2: 100%.
• 38:44
  Speaker 1: Dude, wow.
• 38:46
  Speaker 2: So she was like, you think you are obsessed with
• 38:47
  Speaker 2: that song?
• 38:48
  Speaker 1: Wait until you hear her story.
• 38:49
  Speaker 2: And I was like, I'm so excited, and you have
• 38:51
  Speaker 2: completely blown me away.
• 38:53
  Speaker 1: Aw, thank you.
• 38:54
  Speaker 2: I am.
• 38:55
  Speaker 1: So sorry you watched.
• 38:56
  Speaker 2: Me ugly cry.
• 38:57
  Speaker 1: That's okay.
• 38:58
  Speaker 2: But your story is just amazing. And thank you for
• 39:01
  Speaker 2: what you're doing for pregnant women everywhere. We, I mean,
• 39:07
  Speaker 2: Rosie had her purpose. She's, wow.
• 39:10
  Speaker 1: My girl.
• 39:10
  Speaker 2: Incredible. Thank you so much for coming on this podcast.
• 39:14
  Speaker 1: Thank you.
• 39:15
  Speaker 2: Amazing. You guys, thank you so much for listening to
• 39:17
  Speaker 2: another episode of An Unlikely Affair. We're going to catch
• 39:20
  Speaker 2: you guys next week. Love you.
• 39:21
  Speaker 1: Bye.