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SMNTY Classics: Why Do You Cry When People Ask if You're Okay? · Stuff Mom Never Told You

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hey, this is Anny and Samantha. I'm welcome to stephone
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: Never Told You production by Hearty, and welcome to another classic.
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: We are easing into the new year with this one,
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: which is why do you cry when people ask if
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: you're okay? Because I feel like this comes up for
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: me a lot at the New Year, when you're hanging
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: out with people you haven't seen for a while and
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: they ask you a completely innocent question and for some
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: reason you're like, oh, no, I don't want to know. Yeah. Yeah.
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: But I also have another version of it that I
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: noticed in myself a lot over this holiday, which is
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: I want to come back and do another Monday mini
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: on this, which is almost the very quick, clearly stressed no,
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: I'm fine, I'm fine, and everybody's like, oh no, she
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: is not doing well.
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: Oh you shouldn't ask because it could be problem. We
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: need to keep let it be just moving on.
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: Yes, but we hope that all of you listeners are well.
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: We would love to hear what you are up to
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: in the new year, what you would like us to
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: do more of, But in the meantime, please enjoy this
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: classic episode. Hey, this is Addie and Samantha. I welcome stuff.
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: I never told you objective ByHeart Radio, and today it
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: is November fourteenth, twenty twenty four. I had to think
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: about it, and uh, I've I thought, you know, we've
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: got a lot going on. We've been talking about our
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: game plan of how we're gonna deal with the fallout
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: of the election episode wise here on the show, especially
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: with the holidays coming up. So if things feel a
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: little uneven, please just bear with us. We are people
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: to yeah, which speaking of I was just curious about
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: this because we are I mean content warning. We are
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: talking about the election a little bit, uh, but not really.
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: We're mostly talking about why do you cry when people
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: like ask if you're okay? And two, I guess I
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: was telling Samantha I can always tell what I wrote
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: an outline, and I was thinking about something very specific
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: and maybe having some emotions about it. And I can
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: tell I was when I did this one. But it's
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: so it's not some kind of like takedown in any way.
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  Speaker 1: I feel like I have to sometimes I'm worried people
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  Speaker 1: who know me listen to this and think I'm like
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: talking directly to them, and I'm not. And I feel
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: like a lot of times the argument can be has
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: been used about this, especially after an election, especially after
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: Trump wins an election, that oh, you're all being snowflakes,
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: even though I would argue it's the other side, perhaps
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: the biggest snowflakes who can't handle election results withou violence.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: But anyway, I think it makes sense that you when
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: people ask if you're okay, you cry, And that was
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: something that I was when I was I've always kind
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: of been that way, But after the election I noticed
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: it a lot where I'd be like, wow, today, You've
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: gone a whole day without crying, and someone would text
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: me they're like, are you okayly No, Yeah, So I've
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: always been this way, I've just noticed it a lot lately.
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: It has gotten better for me, specifically as time has
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: gone on, but it'll still especially if I'm tired. I
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: am tired. Oh no. But there are a lot of
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: reasons why this might be. One is a constant reopening
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: or reminding of a wound if you feel compelled to
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  Speaker 1: answer honestly, and I know you and I have talked
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: about this before, Samantha, but sometimes we have given honest
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: answers to that question when it's clear they just wanted
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: the yes, I'm fine.
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: They wanted the not real good answer exactly.
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: But sometimes I've done that without even meaning to do it,
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: like it just happens. And I was thinking about this
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: too interestingly and kind of sadly. But one of the
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: reasons you came onto this show was I think he
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: met me at a time in my life after Trump
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: was elected, and I just couldn't like the like, yes
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: I'm fine was much harder for me to pull off,
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: and so I was just like, nope, here life. And
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: that led to our mini series on trauma and here
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: you are.
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: Well should we do that one again? Oh?
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: As a list, like as a playlist? Yeah, yeah, it's
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: like who We're back? Yep. There's also another reason you
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: might break down when people ask if you're okay is
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: a hesitation to admit that you're not. And when you're
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: confronted with that of that realization of oh, I'm not,
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  Speaker 1: you might break down. This one's big for me. Fear
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  Speaker 1: it'll be hard to stop once you do, or fear
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: that you will break down at all. But like that
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  Speaker 1: idea of oh, if I answer this, this is gonna
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  Speaker 1: start a chain reaction. I don't know when I'm gonna
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: be able to stop. So I was invited to last weekend,
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: the weekend after the election, I did have a bunch
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: of wonderful friends reaching out and I was invited to
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: kind of like a soup get away. So many people
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: ask me to get soup. I love that I've got
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: a soup name for myself. And I was very sick,
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: like physically very sick, and I didn't go. But I
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: was also thinking, like I'm I'm afraid what will happen
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: if we start talking about it? And I'm afraid, like
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: I'll just start crying and I won't stop. And I
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: don't like doing that. And I've tried to examine, like why,
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: but I just I think there's a lot of to
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: impact there. But I don't like doing that. It feels
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: out of control. It's I think that's one of the reasons,
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: Like I love crying at the last of us too,
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: is I know when I'm going to cry, Like I know,
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  Speaker 1: I can anticipate it, but I don't like the kind
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  Speaker 1: of uncontrolled Oh god, I don't know when this is
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  Speaker 1: going to stop, Like I don't know what I'm going
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  Speaker 1: to say. I don't like that feeling, and I didn't
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  Speaker 1: I was scared of what would happen, and they would
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: have been they're my friends and they would have supported me,
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  Speaker 1: and it would have been fine. But it was just
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: kind of a me me thing. Also, sometimes someone legitimizing
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: your feelings can just make you cry. So if someone's
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: like genuinely asking you, like are you okay? With probably
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: the understanding you're not, that can that can get you
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  Speaker 1: to start crying. Not used to being people asking or
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: being nice to you or feeling grateful someone cares cares
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: enough to ask that can that can make you cry.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: And I've definitely experienced that, or like the smallest act
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: of kindness that I'm like, oh my god, they care
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: about me. It's one of the reasons I keep so
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: many of things people give me, like notes. It's like,
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: oh they care. I have this like physical evidence. Also,
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: perhaps obviously it could be that you are anxious or
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: depressed and maybe this is just one one thing that
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: is setting you off, maybe as a bunch of other stuff.
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  Speaker 1: So obviously too, like all of that can interact multiple
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: of those things if you happening at the same time.
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: I did find something when I was researching this called
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: highly sensitive people or HSPs. According to some sources, one
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: in five people are estimated to be HSPs overall genders,
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: and this is essentially believed to be people who respond
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: and process stimuli more deeply, and it is believed to
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: be genetic. But HSPs cry more than non HSPs. There
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: have been studies into the brains in HSP people that
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: show that they have higher brain activity when looking at
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: people or things that they cared about, things like depression
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: and anxiety are worsened. I'm not saying I think I
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: have that. I just ran into it when I was
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: researching this. I am some I feel things deeply, but
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: I don't know enough about this to know if that's
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: what's what I got going on. Things like race and
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: trauma a factor here too, And like how you try
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: to monitor whether you cry or don't cry, so that's
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: something else. There's also emotional monitoring, which is at the
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: flip side. If you find yourself constantly asking if someone
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: is okay. This is pretty common with people who are
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: marginalized and or have trauma. It's more of like a
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: trauma response to scam moods and feel safe. My dad
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: was this like this, but he did not want the
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: real answer to the question. He wanted you to say, yes,
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  Speaker 1: I am fine, I'm happy, but he does he had
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: his own trauma, And so as I've gotten older, I
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: come to understand that more so some of the like
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: things to look out for if you're like, oh no, well,
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  Speaker 1: is that me constantly asking somebody if they're okay, or
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: if they're or if they're upset even when they say
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: they're not, having extreme anxiety when a close friend or
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: partner is upset or hurting, a constant focus on the
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: mood shifts of others, feeling like your role is to
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: cheer someone up at all times, chronic apologizing, replaying social
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: interactions over and over mentally. The interesting thing is I
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: would I wouldn't say I do this, But then I
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: was reading this and I was like, oh no, it's
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: like half and half. I do emotionally monitor. I think
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  Speaker 1: a lot of us do, because especially if you've got trauma,
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: you're like, how is it? But I wouldn't have said, like,
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: I don't know, I'm gonna have to think about this.
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna have to think about it. But uh, you know,
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: there are a couple of things that you can do
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  Speaker 1: if you're frustrated by the fact that you for me,
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: I get frustrated that it feels like I'm fine, and
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: then the question and I'm just crying. It's annoying. You
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  Speaker 1: can work on a couple of especially if you have
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: something like anxiety or depression or whatever, just work on
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: dealing with the heart of what it is. You can also,
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: like Samantha and I maybe have not done in the past,
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: you can assess the truth of the question, like do
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: they are they actually asking? Some people don't want the answer.
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: It's just a polite thing we do. A lot of
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: us do it. That's okay. It can be very shocking
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  Speaker 1: when you're just like, hey, how are you and somebody
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: starts crying. You know, then hopefully I show you. I
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: hope you show some compassion. But it can't be very
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: like whoa. I was not expecting.
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: I don't think I've ever done that, but I've had
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  Speaker 2: that done to me, and I'm like, oh, okay, I'm
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: gonna need about fifteen minutes with you. Let's go sit down,
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: Let's go Okay, what happens? I swear to God, I've asked,
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: will my all right? You want to go sit over here?
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: And the thing is specifically got brewery times where people
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: would just I'd be like, hey, how's it going, And
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: then I'd ask one question that just like something that
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: you had told me previously that seems so nonchalant, and
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: all of a sudden that broke something. I was like, oh,
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: oh no, I'm so sorry. Oh no, yeah, that's what
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: I feel like, I'm too intense.
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: But yeah, I've thought about that with separate but related,
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: but I've thought about this with times where guys have
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: asked me out after I showed like the barrassed human
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  Speaker 1: interaction of like, oh, hey, I like, what do you do?
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: She's in love, like I don't know something about.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: I would interpret interpret it as like a kindness, and
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: I might if I'm in a bad place, I might
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: start crying, whereas I feel like some men in my
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: life have interpreted it as ah interest, yeah, or I
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: have started crying, and guys have used that as like, oh,
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: she's being emotionally open with me, I can ask her out.
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: Well, it's that conversation about him being able to be
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: a protector. M M. Yeah, like we kind of delved
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: into it, like the minisphere, but it's a really like
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: gender response for sure.
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yep, especially given some comments about protecting women whether
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: they want.
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: It or not, right or not because they don't deserve it. Yeah.
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: God, oh anyway again we laughed because we're said, this
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  Speaker 1: is my response. Yeah, but yeah, I think probably if
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: it's something you're worried about, a lot of the sources
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: I said did say suggest therapy or identifying where that
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: it's coming from, where that reaction is coming from, and
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: what it is. I feel like, I said that this
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: has been I've had this throughout my life, and I'm
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: I I feel pretty like I know what it is,
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: and I especially know what it is right now, so
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: I'm not worried about it. I was just curious to
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: look into it because I think it's a pretty natural, right,
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: pretty natural thing if you've got any kind of upset
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: in your life, right.
• 15:15
  Speaker 2: And also like your solution right now is isolation, because
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: you know that's how you respond.
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I got my solution and some of them more
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: better than others. But you're a monitor, i'me yeah, there
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: you go. Yeah, I've got wonderful people in my life
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: checking in with me, so it's all good. Well, listeners,
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: if you have any thoughts about this or any other information,
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: because this was a pretty quick research Monday Mini. So
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: if you if you have any thoughts or any other
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: resources or anything, please right in and I'll let us know.
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: You can email us a stuff in your mom Stuff
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• 16:05
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• 16:07
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• 16:09
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