Latest / The Diva Details / Chronic Cheater Alert: Red Flags, Secret Apps, and Reclaiming Power

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Chronic Cheater Alert: Red Flags, Secret Apps, and Reclaiming Power · The Diva Details

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Welcome to the Diva Details. Welcome to the Diva Details,
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where bold, confident women embrace life unapologetically.
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From love and sex to wellness and reinvention,
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we keep it raw, real, and powerful.
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No filters, no limits, just fearless
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conversations to help you thrive. Let's dive in with
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Diva Mia and Diva Kat.
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Well, hello, this is Diva Mia, and today we're gonna talk about something
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a little different. Today we're gonna discuss how to spot a chronic
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cheater before he wrecks your life, because there are men out there, ladies, that are
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trying to find the girl with the good heart, and they enjoy wrecking them.
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There are guys out there that just have no integrity
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or empathy, and they make it a game, and they cheat
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chronically, and they know they're chronic cheaters, and they say they're out there to find
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their soulmate. They say they're out there to find their forever person, while in the
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background they're actually having affairs with other people at the same time because that's
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just who they are and they've been doing it for so long that it's their
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habit. It's, that's what they are. That's who they are. So today we're going to
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talk about why men suck and not all men suck. I'm going to give you
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that. There's some good men out there, but men do suck and
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there's a lot of men that suck. Ladies, if you're dealing with one of the
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men that sucks, I feel sorry because the men that suck
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really drain women. They take a lot out of us. They think that they
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can control us and they are very good at manipulating.
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I will give them that, but you have to take your power back. There's a
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difference between the men that suck and the good men. It's, it's really kind of
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a maturity thing as well, because the men that suck are usually little
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boys that are confused and scared and have so
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many insecurities and don't value themselves. Because the men that are really good,
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ladies, they're going to value themselves and then they'll value you. That's the reality.
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If a man doesn't value themselves, they're not going to value you no matter what
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you do. There are wonderful men in the world. There's faithful, honest men that are
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loyal, men who don't need constant surveillance to behave themselves.
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Men, there are men who you can have a beautiful
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woman standing right in front of them and somehow they manage the extraordinary
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feat of not downloading 6 dating apps, messaging their ex, maintaining 3 secret Instagram
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conversations, 5 perverted Reddit channels,
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and telling another woman that they're single. But there are men that do that.
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There are men that you think are faithful and loyal, but they're
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out there cheating. They're out there lying. They're out there manipulating. They're out there telling
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other people that they're single. They're out there trying to play a game.
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It's kind of funny because even men in their 50s that should be way past
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this, they're way past their prime. They're still doing it. It's like they're
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trying to get one less inning in their, their baseball
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game. It's amazing because they don't get it. They look like a pervert
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now. They look like an old pervy guy. And the younger kids, I get they're
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out there sowing their oats or whatever they're doing. Nonetheless, if a man
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is loyal and a man has character and a man has integrity, they won't
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cheat, period. It doesn't matter how old they are. Some men are just cheaters and
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you're not going to change a man in their 50s or 60s or 70s that's
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out there trying to sow his oats at 50 years old.
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It's just not going to happen. They're just, that's just who they are.
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This is another category of men altogether. It's called the chronic cheater,
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the serial dater. The validation addict,
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the person that's constantly needing other people's attention, the man who always
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needs another woman waiting somewhere in the wings. He may have a girlfriend,
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he may have 2 girlfriends, he may have a wife. A lot of times they're
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cheating on their wives. He may have a great sex life. He may get sex
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all the time. He may have got— be getting attention from
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his, his personal companion and support at home, but he still is
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looking online for another hit. It's almost like a drug for these people
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because they need another hit and it's their addiction. They need another match,
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they need another DM, and they're so addicted to social media
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and the addiction that it gives people that they've destroyed their lives.
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They self-sabotage. They wonder why their lives suck, but they never really
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look in the mirror and realize they're the problem. Another woman telling
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him he's attractive is a hit for a man like this. It's an opportunity.
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And it's another secret for him to sneak around because
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it makes him feel valuable. In reality is once the woman that he's with finds
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out, she tends to dump him because women don't put up with that. At least
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high-value women don't put up with that. When she dumps him, he realizes that the,
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the little hits he got of dopamine weren't worth the person he lost,
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but then he goes and does it again. It doesn't matter. He's not going to
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change. He's never going to find true happiness because he's got such a hole in
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his empty vessel. Another version of himself where nobody knows what he's actually
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doing, he creates as a separate persona. And so this
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other version of himself is in a whole different reality, a whole different realm.
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He is in, in one way living 2 lives, living 2
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lives completely. Ladies, this episode is about recognizing that man before you
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donate years of your life, 1, 2, 3 years of your life
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to trying to fix him because he doesn't want to be fixed. And when someone
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doesn't want to be fixed, why are you trying? Because I've officially reached the point
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where I think women need to start treating dating a little more like hiring,
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like it's an employment. You're, you're sitting across from someone and you're actually
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giving them a job of being your partner. Yes, hiring. You wouldn't hire
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a CFO to manage $20 million without checking his background. You probably
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wouldn't hire a cheater to manage $20 million because if they're going to cheat
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with the woman they're with, you never know what they're going to steal at work.
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But apparently we're supposed to hand somebody access to our bodies, our homes,
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our children, our emotions, our finances and our future because he has
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nice teeth and he likes dogs and he smacks
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you in the butt the right way. Absolutely not. We're checking references.
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This is the reality. It's okay, ladies, if you want to check
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up on his last girlfriend. You don't have to believe everything she said because sometimes
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there's girlfriends out there that are upset. If they've
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been married even 3 or 4 times, that's a red flag. It's a huge
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red flag. Then what you maybe need to do is go ask one of the
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many ex-wives that he's had as to why. 'Cause usually what he'll
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say is they cheated on him because that's what guys' fallback is. You can't necessarily
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trust the man you're talking to 'cause they tend to say they cheated on him.
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And it may be true, they might've cheated, but did he cheat first? It may
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be very well that he's upset because they ended up with the partner
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that they started dating after him. So he says they cheated
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'cause it's an easy fallback or an easy scapegoat. He will also say every
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girlfriend he dated cheated on him. He'll say every woman that he's ever been with
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cheated on him. He will be the victim. They love to be a victim.
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You know why, ladies? Because we like to save victims. We like
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to help people out. We like to rescue them. I know it sounds unromantic
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that you need to vet him and check him out ahead of time. Good.
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You know what's less romantic is finding out 6 months later that
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his crazy ex-girlfriend is actually his current wife that he's still married
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to, or that he's cheated on the last 6 girlfriends and
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every single one of them that he said was crazy, because they tend to call
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all the women they've dated crazy. What does that say about his selection
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process? But nonetheless, What happens when every single person
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he says he's cheated on him or was crazy or had problems
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when the problem is him? And you tend— they, they're very good at
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wearing masks, I will say, and manipulating and lying because
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they professionally do it. They do it so much it becomes second
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nature. Before you become emotionally invested in someone, find out whether the person you're meeting
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appears to be who he says he is. If he's been married more than twice,
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ladies, 3, 4 times, it's a red flag. And then if he's constantly
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complaining about his exes, another red flag. And if
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every single person he's dated is crazy and he doesn't have anything good
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to say about women that he's dated, he's never going to have anything good to
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say about you. So start with the basics. You got to Google him. Yep,
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I said Google. You can also use AI nowadays to look people up and
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then plug in the name, plug in the city, plug in their occupation,
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their company, and see if there's anything significant that
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he's told you about that's not true, that doesn't match. Then look at public available
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social media. Does the timeline and story make sense? Does the divorced
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man have Facebook photos last Christmas looking suspiciously still married?
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Does his— does the single for 3 years guy have a woman commenting
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hearts under everything he posts? And does he not automatically
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prove anything? That does not automatically prove anything,
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but you are allowed to notice inconsistencies. Next, reverse image
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search his dating profile pictures. You can do this. This is especially
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important if you meet online. A reverse image search can sometimes reveal that
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the person you're talking to is using someone else's photos,
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another name, or an entirely different identity. Sometimes men do
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this because they get called out with their current name. Their current name gets
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flagged or they get flagged for cheating, and now they want to hide
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their identity. If it's very simple to do, you just look up their pictures.
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And here's something women need to hear. You are not being paranoid by verifying
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basic information about a stranger you meet on the internet. You have
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no idea who this person is. You just met them on the internet.
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We verify Uber drivers. We verify Airbnb hosts.
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We review restaurants before ordering salmon to see
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how they're rated, but somehow checking whether the stranger we're about to possibly
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be intimate with, it's actually toxic for us to actually check out.
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No, I don't think so. You need to check out this person to see if
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they're toxic. It's called risk management, ladies, and we need to
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get better at it. Join the women's group you need that you need them to,
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because there's a lot of women's groups out there. If you're using a dating
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app, one of the first things I highly recommend you join is
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Are You We Dating the Same Guy community. I ended up going on there a
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couple days ago and finding out that my ex-boyfriend was on there.
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People were commenting that, that he had,
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he was out there being very aggressive on some of the dating apps
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and on Reddit. And people were saying that they were dating him at the same
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time other people were dating him. And someone had posted in that they knew,
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one of my friends posted that they knew me and that I had dated him
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for a year. And then someone said that they were with him. 6 months ago
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intimately. So I found out all kinds of information after
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I went on this. I wish I would have gone on this when I first
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started dating him because he's been out there before. So people have complained
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about him before. So are we dating the same guy? That's one of the communities.
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There's also different cheater communities and, and these are groups all over
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the country. Usually they're by city or region. There are also
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other Facebook community centers around dating safety, bad dating experiences,
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and cheaters. There's some cheater apps out there probably for your area.
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You can just search. Now, most Most of the time they're going to ask you
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to validate who you are and validate your city. They're basically—
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it's different based off of what city you're in. And are we dating the same
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guy? It helps provide dating safety because there were a couple posts on
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there, ladies, where men were getting violent or pushy and one woman almost got raped
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and she mentioned it in the post. So you have to understand this is a
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good way for women to protect women and to hear information from
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other people. I was shocked at the things I heard about my ex-boyfriend on there.
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I was shocked. It gave me some extra closure, which is nice because I'd already
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broken up with the guy. But it, it's interesting that maybe we
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should start doing that before we even go on the first date because dating safety
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is important and women dating out there, we need to be careful.
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We need to protect ourselves. So cheater warning, dating red flags,
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relationship warnings, all that stuff is on these apps. But understand
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something important. A Facebook post is not a court verdict. It is intelligence.
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It is information. There are people out there, posting their husbands and saying,
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hey, my husband went to a bar last night. Was anybody out there dating
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him? People will chime in. It's amazing how many people are on this, this,
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these apps. Here's the reality. If one person says that they were
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with your boyfriend or your partner and they're on this app,
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it may be just the tip of the iceberg because not everybody's on it.
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If you're finding out that other people are saying, yep, I slept with him and
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I was with him. Well, you know what? That's probably just one of a few
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because not everybody's on the apps. If he's a chronic cheater,
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which some of these men are, especially the ones on these apps, you will find
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that they are constantly on these apps and that not
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everybody knows, but a good enough portion know. I do highly recommend anyone
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on dating apps to do this. It's, it's highly recommended. Protect yourself.
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The reality is, is some of the guys on there that are on there over
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and over and over again, they're not very attractive. They just are really
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bad guys and it's their only way. They love bomb people.
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They overly act like they're into you. They give you lots of
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attention and then they're cheaters. And a lot of them are thieves too. A lot
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of them are scammers or they're moochers. Or they try to live off of women.
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So a Facebook post is— it's not a verdict, but it is— it's
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not also not automatically evidence. So somebody saying he's creepy is an opinion.
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Someone saying, I was dating him from March through July and he told me we
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were exclusive, and then all of a sudden I found out he was seeing other
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people, that's considerably more useful. I was dating mine from October through
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August, and in January and February he was with another woman, at least
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one. 'Cause she was on this app and I had no idea
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until she messaged me. If 3 women independently discovered that they were
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all supposedly exclusive with the same man during the same 6 months,
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well, ladies, you've located yourself a scheduling
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enthusiast, a man that has so much time on his hands. He doesn't
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work very hard. He's probably a lazy guy. He's probably not very
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far along in his career. And there's reasons why he has
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financial issues and why he's chasing so many women. He's got issues.
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They tend to skip jobs often because what happens is they get involved with somebody
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at work. And then they screw it up because they cheat on them and then
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they have to move jobs. The question I think women should normalize is,
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are you dating someone that you like and things are starting to
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get serious and then you post the appropriate information with the rules about the
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group and then they say, is anyone dating this man? I think you should do
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it much earlier, but that's all you have to do. If you post it,
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you don't need to start with accusations. You don't need to write this lying,
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cheating narcissist sociopath is destroying women's lives, especially when
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you don't know that yet, but you can simply ask a question. Is anyone
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dating him? Has anyone dated him recently? Anything I
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should know before becoming serious? And then listen, because sometimes
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you may get nothing. Wonderful. Sometimes you'll get, oh, I went on a
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date with him yesterday. You thought you were exclusive, but nice guy.
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Didn't work out fine. Occasionally somebody will say, wait, that's my boyfriend,
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or that's my husband. There goes Tuesday. How to post without
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turning yourself into this problem. You have to realize that you got to post.
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It matters, but you don't need to be obsessed with it. If you post someone
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in one of these groups, follow the group rules, share the minimum information necessary.
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Do not post their first and last name or their home address or where their
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children go to school or anything about their children or their Social Security numbers or
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intimate photographs with you and him. That's too much information and nobody
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wants to see that. Don't encourage people to contact them either. Don't tell thousands
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of women to destroy his business and don't exaggerate because you do
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not need to turn rumors. The reality is, is if people
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see people on these sites, they're like, they question it in the first place.
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Honestly, it's about protecting women. If you're sharing your experience, just say
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that I dated him from January through May. He told me we were exclusive.
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I learned on May 14th that he was simultaneously dating another woman.
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I personally saw on active dating profiles, and he told me he was divorced,
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but I later discovered he was still married. Those are claims you can make.
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Those are statements you can factually back up. Before publishing factual accusations,
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make damn sure you can support them because the internet isn't your diary. Posts can
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get screenshotted, private groups leaked. People do sue. And,
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but, but it was a private Facebook group is not a magical force around bad
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decisions. So only state the truth, tell the truth. Tell your experiences,
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leave the amateur psychiatric diagnosis out of it. You don't need
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to diagnose somebody with a narcissistic personality disorder.
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Just say he lied to you repeatedly. One is speculation, the other is truth.
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The other describes behavior and behavior tells me plenty about a person. Then what
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about the tea? Because they keep mentioning tea on these sites. There is also a
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tea site, which is essentially a crowdsourced dating safety platform for
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women. But there was a data leak not too long ago, so be careful with
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that one. Women can ask about men they've met and share dating experience.
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It can be another information source, but here's my warning: never assume that
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anything you put into an app is guaranteed to remain private forever. Not your
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photographs, not your messages, not your confession, not your screenshots,
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not your personal information. If you're discussing incredibly sensitive information,
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think about it before uploading it. Dating safety matters. Privacy matters too.
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Use these communities intelligently. There is no FBI database
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of bad boyfriends. I wish there were. Imagine, ma'am, we're running his serial
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number. Unfortunately, no, we found out he was a serial cheater, so don't
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date him. I wish that was true. There's no authoritative national register
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for chronic cheaters. There should be. Contain outdated,
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unverifiable, or malicious information. So don't search somebody's
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name, find out anonymous accusation from 2017, and immediately burn his
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belongings. Look for corroboration. But you, you, you'll figure
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it out. That's the thing. And we women have an incredible sense of
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intuition. So if when you're looking at these sites, if you have a feeling that
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something might be off and then his actions are not matching his words,
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you may, and then you see that he was dating someone else,
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there's your facts. So look for timelines, look for firsthand accounts,
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look for evidence and be consistent. You're going to have to look more
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than once. You may have to post it once a month because Some of these
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things cycle through. Don't take disgusting— make sure you distinguish
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facts from gossip because accountability requires integrity from us
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too. What if you're already married? So now things become more serious.
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If you suspect your husband is having an affair, don't immediately become
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an amateur spy and think you can sneak around on him. Because if you get
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caught, it could be dangerous, lady. Don't install spyware or
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hack his email. I know it's very, it's very easy
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to go down the slippery slope of secretly breaking into his accounts and,
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but you don't have a legal right to that. Don't impersonate him online because you
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can put an illegal track— you can, you can get in trouble with that.
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Some people have tracked their cars and their phones, but please be
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careful and don't be reckless because somebody on TikTok
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once said, oh, you can do that. That's legal. Because if, if you're reckless,
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it could put your safety at risk too. If you're married
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and you have significant assets or custody and a divorce is
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coming, talk to your attorney before you turn into Sherlock Holmes or
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before you think anything is going on. It doesn't hurt to talk to an attorney.
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If you're getting a vibe something's going on, it might be time. Find out what
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evidence the attorney's going to need, what you're legally permitted to collect,
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whether adultery even matters under the law. If you're that unhappy in the
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marriage and you're thinking about divorce, then maybe you need to move forward even without
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the proof in your hands. You may need to preserve documents.
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You might have to hire a private investigator. That may make sense. That may
19:00
be a safer way to go. Sometimes the smartest move isn't discovering every disgusting
19:04
detail. It makes sure you don't financially screw yourself while discovering it.
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So if If you're married, be careful, check things out first and
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then look at the patterns, not just the phone. Women become obsessed with phones when
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they suspect cheating. Who's he texting? What did he turn? Why did he
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turn the screen over? Did he change his password? And a lot of those are
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clues. Why is he taking the phone into the shower and secretly talking to
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people? Because secrecy can be suspicious. Chronic cheaters usually create
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a large pattern over time. They do the same thing over and over again.
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That's why they get so good at it. Then they have missing time. Like they'll
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go to the store and they're gone for 3 hours and they say, oh,
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there was traffic. How much traffic really is there? Stories don't
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line up and suddenly changes in the schedule or more work trips or staying
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late at work, it doesn't make as much sense. If you want to drop off
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food and they're suddenly not there, they're already on their way home. Unexplained charges on
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their hotel bills if they're married and you can see that.
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Restaurants don't make sense. A second social media identity doesn't make sense.
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Multiple messaging apps. A lot of them will be on different messaging
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apps. There's Reddit that's got a really disgusting section for cheaters.
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There's people that have WhatsApp or Discord
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or Telegram because a lot of those have deleted
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messages. And so they'll have separate messaging apps. And those messaging
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apps a lot of times are, not always, but a lot of cheaters have
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those on their phones. So just having the app is not a red
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flag, but it might be. It depends on who you're with. There are periods
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when he may become unreachable, but the question is why. Sometimes sexual
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behaviors change. He treats you different in the bedroom. He gets angrier in the bedroom
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or he withdraws emotionally. Sometimes when you felt like
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you used to connect, you're not connecting as deeply as you were, and you try
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to talk to them and they just brush it off. But over-the-top affection after unexplained
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absences can also be a sign because sometimes they're with
20:53
somebody, they have guilt, so they come back even harder at you. Constant accusations that
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you're cheating, it's not going to end well with the relationship anyway.
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An obsession with his privacy and your privacy that didn't previously
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exist. That can be a sign. Be careful if you see them
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constantly deleting messages or closing out applications as soon as you walk
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up on their phone. There might be something going on, but getting angry at perfectly
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reasonable questions that he, that you ask is not a valid thing for a man
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to do. They should be able to listen and communicate better than that. None of
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these things individually prove an affair, but patterns matter. If you're seeing
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a lot of this, understand the patterns and protect yourself. We need
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to protect ourselves and have more boundaries, ladies. And here's the biggest red flag of
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all. The repeated lying. If you start catching them in lies, if you can
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catch somebody lying about things that they don't need to be lied about,
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pay attention because a person's relationship with truth matters.
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If they're constantly complaining about everyone they've dated, there's issues
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there because I'm sure there were faults that they had in their relationships
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as well. There is a difference between someone who committed an act of infidelity and
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someone whose entire relationship style involves around repeated deception. That's who
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they are. I'm not excusing either, but they're different problems.
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Someone may have an affair, confess, demonstrate genuine remorse completely,
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and stop contact with the other person, enter therapy, and accept responsibility
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and spend years rebuilding trust. There are men that do that.
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Don't get me wrong, that relationship might even survive. Then there's the chronic
22:21
cheater. They've had different women on different platforms. They make different excuses.
22:25
It's always the same behavior. He gets caught, he cries,
22:29
he promises he'll fix it, he deletes the app, He says he's
22:32
cleaning up his act, then a few weeks later he's right back in it.
22:35
He tells you you're the love of his life, that he wants to marry you,
22:38
or that he wants to be with you forever, and that you have such a
22:42
strong connection, and 2 months later he installs another app. Then somebody just messaged
22:46
him. Oh, it's a spam caller, or you don't know, or she's just
22:50
a friend. Then he starts claiming that you're insecure, and the reality is, is he's
22:53
insecure because he needs the constant validation. Maybe he needs some space, and maybe that
22:57
space should be permanent, ladies. Somehow another woman believes he's single.
23:00
Sometimes he tells other women that he's single, so there's not
23:04
such a complexity, especially if he's just looking for a hookup.
23:07
That's no longer an isolated mistake. It's a lifestyle.
23:10
Some women are willing to have secret relationships with men that are in
23:14
relationships with other people. So then they try to find secret relationships.
23:17
So they have multiple relationships going at the same time. It's exhausting.
23:21
I don't even know how they keep it up. And once in a while they'll
23:24
slip up and they'll text you. Something that was meant for the other person and
23:27
you question it and they're like overexplaining. I had that happen to
23:31
me once and I was like, what the hell? It was about what time he
23:34
was getting off of work and I knew what time he was getting off of
23:37
work and then he overexplained it. But listen to their exes.
23:40
Here's another thing women need to do. A man who tells you his ex is
23:44
crazy and somehow we think, oh, poor baby, every single
23:48
one, all 4 of them, all 5 of them. Amazing. You got shafted.
23:51
You were married 3 times. That's a statistical phenomenon you
23:56
got, you got going on there, boy. I mean, oof,
23:59
you poor thing. And then women try to come to the rescue. It is such
24:02
a sob story. Men are always the victim. They're always the victim.
24:06
So many women just mistreated them. I'm not saying
24:09
every allegation by an ex is automatically true, but it's absolutely not.
24:13
But I'm just saying that sometimes these men are making shit
24:17
up just to make themselves the victim so they get more sympathy from you.
24:20
But when multiple unrelated women tell remarkably similar stories about one
24:24
man, Stop assuming you're so special and he'll— he's magical. Become a
24:28
different person with you. You might be wonderful. You'll still— you're still
24:32
not Hogwarts. Patterns follow people until actually they want
24:37
to change them, and most chronic cheaters don't. He may be going into his 60s
24:40
and 70s still trying to hook up with people and catching all kinds of STDs.
24:44
You just don't know. So stay away from that ick. Those are ick gross men.
24:48
Honestly, do you really want to be with a man that has been with that
24:52
many women and doesn't have any type of connection and
24:56
is just using women as objects and has no desire to actually really
25:00
connect. And when he does connect, it's fake. Why is it that as women we
25:04
waste years? Why? Why? I mean, why,
25:07
why wasn't I enough? Or what sometimes we say, wasn't I enough?
25:11
Did we have enough sex? Did I love him enough? You know, here's the thing.
25:13
You can have as much sex as possible. You can have sex every time you
25:17
see the person. You can, you can be younger, you can be older, you can
25:20
love him. But the reality is, is that if until you stop and look at
25:24
what the relationship really is, you won't have the answers because it
25:28
has very little to do with you. You're going to see the red flags are
25:31
him. And some chronic cheaters, they appear to crave novelty.
25:35
They just, they get in a relationship thinking that's what they want. And then all
25:39
of a sudden they want something new. They just crave someone else. They,
25:43
it's like a conquest, something to be conquered. There's something wrong with them
25:46
too, honestly, to constantly need that much admiration
25:50
and validation and entitlement. And they don't wanna get fixed.
25:54
They compartmentalize it incredibly well. It's a lack of
25:58
impulse control, a lack of discipline, a lack of mental maturity.
26:02
You see that over and over again. Sometimes you need continual— they
26:06
need continual reassurance just from you to feel desirable.
26:10
They constantly need to feel valued. When they need that from you,
26:13
you're gonna have to ask yourself, are they asking for that from other people?
26:17
Are they always on their phone? Because somebody that's that insecure, ladies, we need to
26:20
stop going for the insecure men and thinking we can help them and fix them.
26:24
Because when men are that insecure, a lot of times they seek out external
26:28
validation. Some simply value what they want in the moment more than they value integrity.
26:31
And sometimes the simplest explanation is the correct one. He just
26:35
wanted to. He didn't care. He didn't care about you. He didn't care about what
26:39
effect it had on you. He didn't care what effect it had on your body.
26:41
He didn't care the fact that it violated you. By him cheating with someone else
26:45
because it's involuntary. And when he brings that, whatever it
26:49
is, whether it's disease or sex, back into the relationship, and he's been with
26:53
somebody else, he could have given you a disease. He thought he could get away
26:56
with it. We have become so obsessed with explaining bad behavior away and letting
27:00
people get off on bad behavior that sometimes
27:04
we forget about adults. They possess full agency and control
27:07
of their bodies. They're the ones in control. They know exactly what
27:11
they're doing. Not after every shifty, decision requires a 14-part
27:15
childhood documentary. They just did it. Shame on
27:18
them. Move on. It's your time to take your power back. Sometimes somebody
27:23
knew something that would devastate you and they chose to do it anyway. Sometimes they
27:26
just don't care. That tells you something.
27:29
They just don't care, which means they don't have compassion
27:33
or empathy even though you thought they did. That's probably what cuts
27:37
deeper. Is the betrayal? Not necessarily the cheating. The betrayal
27:40
is worse. So stop trying to love character into somebody. Women do this constantly.
27:44
If I love him harder, if I give him more understanding, if I take better
27:48
care of him, if I give him more freedom, if I'm less jealous. No,
27:51
he'll— he's not going to appreciate you. He's— you can't outperform your
27:55
way into receiving someone's integrity when they don't have any. You can't fill
27:59
up a cup that's got a hole in it. Fidelity isn't a prize a
28:03
woman receives for being sufficiently attractive. It's a decision someone
28:07
makes because of who they are. You should not have to remain
28:11
sexually available 7 nights a week so your partner doesn't accidentally fall into another woman's
28:14
vagina. Sometimes we are available 7 nights a week and they still can't perform,
28:18
and yet they still search outside. That is not how integrity works.
28:23
If you discover that somebody who is supposedly monogamous with
28:27
you has been sexually active with other people, treat it as a health issue.
28:30
Stop worrying about whether asking for testing will hurt his feelings.
28:33
Get tested. Talk to your clinician about the nature and timing of the possible
28:37
exposures, because many sexually transmitted infections cause no symptoms.
28:41
You can look healthy, feel healthy, and still have an infection. When someone secretly
28:45
has additional sexual partners, he removes your ability to make an informed decision about
28:49
your own sexual risk. He gave you extra risk without telling
28:53
you. I take that extremely seriously. If someone chronically cheats,
28:56
he isn't merely risking your feelings. He can potentially risk your health and your
29:00
life. That alone changes the conversation for me, and it should for you as
29:03
well. Now that you found out, now what? Here's where women can lose another year.
29:07
Then they know what she ate in Cabo in 2023 but still haven't made a
29:11
decision about their own life, whether they're going to leave the person. Stop collecting pain
29:15
Stop collecting pain. It's not your job to endure pain
29:18
that someone else caused. Once you have enough information to establish your pattern,
29:22
you don't need a PhD in his infidelity. You need a plan. My plan was
29:26
break up with him 20 minutes later. Your plan, if you're married, may take
29:30
a little bit longer, but stop the information hemorrhaging. You decide what
29:34
you actually need to know. If you have enough useful information, stop pain
29:37
shopping. Stop putting yourself through it. You do not need to
29:41
self-torture. To get over this relationship. Useful information
29:44
is, did he have sexual contact? Were condoms used?
29:48
How long was the affair? How many partners were there? Is the contact continuing?
29:52
Were joint finances used to pay for this if you were married? Are there legal
29:56
or financial consequences? And are there any health risks? Pain shopping is, was her body
30:00
better than mine? What position did he use? What did she wear?
30:05
How many times did they do it? That's ridiculous. Stop asking yourself
30:08
some of those details. Nobody cares. He was a shit. He was just a shit.
30:12
He was a very bad man. And you need to go find yourself a
30:15
good man because there's good men out there. Step 2, get your health check,
30:18
take your STD test. And then step 3, secure your life, all your accounts,
30:22
your documents, your finances, any beneficiaries,
30:25
your tax accounts, and talk to your lawyer because you don't need to drain accounts
30:29
to start financial warfare. All you need to do is make major moves, have legal
30:33
advice, and see if divorce is possible. If divorce was involved, if you're lucky,
30:37
and it was just a boyfriend-girlfriend and you didn't intertwine finances,
30:41
then move on as quickly as you can. Create distance from the chaos.
30:44
Chronic cheaters often keep you emotionally engaged through constant explanations.
30:49
I only kissed her. I never slept with her. Even though they slept
30:53
together, or we just slept together once, or it was twice. And then you find
30:56
out that it happened with 5 different women. This phenomenon has a name
30:59
and it's ordinary betrayal conversations. It's called the trickle truth.
31:03
And when they trickle information, it's so you can adjust to the— in installments.
31:08
It's so that each new installment reopens the wound, but just a
31:12
little bit. At some point you are allowed to say, I have enough information.
31:15
I don't need another deposit of information. And the
31:18
reality is they do it in little spurts so that you don't leave.
31:22
If they trickle it in, they're hoping you stick around, but don't compete with another
31:26
woman. This is critical. Don't attack her automatically, especially if he told her he was
31:30
single. She may have been lied to as well. In fact, sometimes the other women
31:33
become the person who finally tells you the truth. If she didn't know about
31:36
you, she isn't your enemy. The common denominator is him. Women tearing
31:40
each other apart while one man sits comfortably between them is one
31:43
of the dumbest outcomes imaginable. You could just compare timelines,
31:47
exchange factual information, then direct your anger towards
31:51
behavior that creates the situation. Do not make revenge
31:54
your recovery plan. It's completely understandable to want
31:58
revenge, but don't turn it into something. Don't vandalize or threaten.
32:01
Let his shit go. Get rid of his stuff. Don't share intimate images
32:05
online and or publish private information. Just let it
32:09
go. Be glad you got someone like that out of your life so you can
32:12
move on with someone that's better. Sometimes the most devastating consequences you can deliver
32:16
is simply removing your access to you. Then cut off your dopamine loop. If after
32:20
betrayal, you can become obsessed with checking him out on social media,
32:23
unfriend him. Don't go on the dating apps too soon. I think that's— if
32:27
you go on the dating apps, it's just you looking for a dopamine hit.
32:30
Stay off, take your time and heal. Who cares who he's following? Who cares who
32:34
likes his posts? Checking up on that stuff is just like giving
32:37
yourself 1,000 razor blades. You don't need that. Your nervous
32:41
system needs to calm down. You need to check again. Congratulations. You now
32:45
have gotten someone out of your life that didn't belong there. You don't want
32:48
that trauma to constantly come and play over and over again.
32:52
Just remove him. Block him when appropriate, remove shortcuts,
32:56
stop asking your friends for updates. Your brain needs periods where it isn't receiving
33:00
new injury because the more injury that happens, the worse it becomes.
33:04
Then get out there and work out. I'm serious because lifting weights, swimming,
33:07
doing yoga, all that stuff, eating clean food, that's going to take care of
33:10
you and you're going to feel better about yourself because betrayal can destroy your
33:14
routine. It can knock you off your routine. I know when I was doing a
33:18
lot for my ex, it knocked me off my routine in general. I was trying
33:21
to help him build a business and grow and he was almost
33:25
living with me and like 6 days a week and I did a lot for
33:30
him and it knocked me off my routine. It knocked me off of a lot
33:33
of my routine. Now I'm back to myself and I'm loving it. I get my
33:37
peace back. I got my life back, but you need to rebuild your identity because
33:40
this becomes especially important if it's been a longer relationship. If your relationship was
33:44
over a year or 2 or 3, a lot of times we wrap up our
33:47
identity. Who were you before him? We need to stop doing that, ladies. We need
33:51
to stop giving our identity to men and hold strong to who we are.
33:54
Let the man fit in your life. Don't fit into his. I know it's,
33:57
it's easier to say than do, but try it because you
34:02
have a strong life. There's really no reason for you to change because you have
34:04
what men want. You have love, care, a big heart,
34:08
compassion, great sex, great kissing. And I'm
34:12
sure you've managed all of these things and they want you. So don't try
34:16
to meld into theirs. You'll have a much better time holding onto your identity if
34:20
you don't constantly bend over backwards for men. Just bring the version of you back
34:23
that you want. It may not be the same as before. Just build the next
34:26
version. Take what you want from before and grow. You, your recovery
34:31
is important. By returning to exactly who you were before the betrayal, that means
34:35
you're ripe to be betrayed again. You're going to have to learn from this experience.
34:39
Healing isn't just feeling better. Healing is learning. Just don't
34:43
overlook you. Not because the cheating was your fault, but because information
34:48
is useful. Remember what you did in the situation and how you allowed
34:52
his crazy and his comments to override your common sense
34:56
or override your gut feeling. Remember how when he was secretive,
35:00
you forgot about it. One of the things I recommend, ladies, is you journal whenever
35:04
something's bothering you in a relationship, and then you go back and look. It was
35:07
so funny because 6 months ago I was journaling that I thought that something was
35:10
up and I didn't do anything about it, but I journaled and I, it was
35:13
driving me nuts, but then he would come back and be normal again.
35:16
And it was the hot and cold that I couldn't keep up with. If you
35:20
journal, journal consistently every day. If you're in a new relationship, I recommend that you
35:24
journal for the first 6 months every day, whenever, or at least whenever you go
35:27
on a date with him and make notes. If you wanna look back a month
35:30
into the relationship and say, oh my gosh, he's got all these red flags.
35:33
Why am I still with him? It might be because he's giving you hot and
35:35
cold. And if after a month you don't like those red flags, it's time to
35:39
move on because human beings can change almost anything when they're genuinely
35:43
motivated, but most men don't wanna change. You have no obligation to remain in the
35:47
blast zone when somebody completes their personal development journey You need
35:51
to get out of the way because most men honestly, ladies, aren't going to change.
35:54
They don't want to. They like being dogs. They like being creepy old men.
35:57
It's a chronic cheater wants to become a man of integrity.
36:00
Fantastic. Go for it. Find therapy, figure out what you need to do
36:04
to stop seeking constant validation. Learn how to be honest. Maybe he needs
36:08
to develop empathy, which obviously he doesn't have, but until then he won't
36:11
ever be happy. He's going to constantly chase the next fix like a drug addict.
36:15
You simply can't compete with the drug that that drug addict is
36:19
needing. You simply may need to do it, have him do it without you,
36:22
because he may change, he may never change. He may say
36:26
he's going to, but he's an addict constantly seeking that next hit.
36:30
Because somebody's potential is not the same thing as their current character, you have to
36:34
move on. Women lose enormous amounts of time dating potential,
36:37
dating the person that is the addict and addicted to sex with
36:41
new people. He could potentially be faithful, He could potentially be responsible
36:45
and grow up and be emotionally mature, but he's not. So stop.
36:49
Let him go. It's kind of like, ooh, at some point.
36:52
He's an icky, icky guy. Let him
36:56
be somebody else's problem. Although again, if, if you're on the, are we dating
36:59
the same guy? Let people know. There's nothing wrong with that. You don't be vindictive
37:03
about it. Just state it out there and leave it be. Let other people talk
37:06
about him for however long they want to. He requires something radically different.
37:10
From promises in the future. And transparency is going to be a big
37:14
one for you and loyalty and integrity. I recommend that you stay away
37:18
from any man that's been like this because contacting their affair partners is
37:22
just going to relive the trauma for you. I don't think it's necessary.
37:25
And then accept that rebuilding trust in yourself is going to take time
37:29
because you're going to blame yourself for some of the cheating. You really will.
37:32
You'll question, should you have picked up on it sooner? Your relationships
37:37
may have had problems, but it may not have, and they still cheated. That's even
37:40
worse is when you didn't see any obvious problems and they're still cheating.
37:43
All relationships have problems, but when they're cheaters, they're the
37:47
big problem. Get them out of your life as soon as you can because they're
37:50
not part of your future. They were just a past chapter. When you choose
37:54
to leave, if you choose to leave, leave with dignity. You don't need
37:58
him to agree with what he did. I mean, it was terrible.
38:01
He's not a good man. He's a bad man, bad little boy. He doesn't
38:05
need to confess because usually when they confess, they lie anyway. You don't need to
38:09
be friends with him after. You don't have to stay. You don't have to be
38:11
the people pleaser. You can let him go with disdain and never want to see
38:15
him again. You can eventually forgive him, but don't ever forget. You're always going to
38:18
know what happens. He violated you. That should not be people
38:21
pleased away. Allow the relationship to completely be
38:25
finished and walk away because we tolerate an unbelievable amount of behavior because
38:29
a lot of women are terrified to start over, especially in midlife. But you know
38:33
what? There's so many men out there, ladies. You can find
38:37
someone else. Just take some time off to heal. You'll find out who's out there.
38:40
You'll find that there's good guys. You may say, I don't really want to date
38:43
again. I have so many friends that stay home now that have dated for 5,
38:46
6 years because they don't want to, because the men out there, the selection pool
38:50
is shitty. Being alone on Saturday nights is substantially less exhausting
38:54
than wondering who your boyfriend is sleeping with or trying to figure out
38:58
why they're disturbing your peace. Have some self-respect. The right relationship
39:02
will come or it won't, but it may come, it may not, but you shouldn't
39:05
give up your peace. For some man to give you some
39:09
care and concern and then be doing that to other women as well.
39:12
For generations, secrecy protected chronic
39:16
cheaters, but now it's out in the open. One woman didn't know about another,
39:19
but now women are talking. There's not such a stigma when you get cheated on
39:23
because we realize that men sometimes are just dogs. There are bad men out there.
39:27
The new girlfriend may believe that the ex was crazy, but the ex stayed silent
39:31
because they weren't— she was embarrassed. But social networks have changed that. Sometimes women
39:34
can compare notes or reach out to the other women. I highly recommend it.
39:38
I know a lot of women are afraid to do that, but it doesn't hurt
39:41
to just reach out and say, hey, I noticed you dated this guy. I just
39:45
started dating him. Is there anything I should know? See what they say.
39:48
Then if you can find 2 or 3 other people that he dated, you might
39:51
get a pattern. Avoid a lot of wasted time. That's the
39:55
biggest thing is I hate it when people waste my time. So if you can
39:58
get out of those relationships quickly, do, but don't bully the other
40:01
women or exaggerate or attack people. Just ask and
40:04
see what happens. The goal is not mob justice. It's informed choice
40:08
because informed women are much harder to manipulate. When we know the facts,
40:12
we're not easy to manipulate. Here's my proposal. Before becoming deeply involved
40:16
with somebody you met online, verify their identity first, then look at
40:20
any public available information and then do the reverse image search.
40:24
You can look for glaring inconsistencies and join that legitimate local dating
40:28
safety communities like Are We Dating the Same Guy or Cheaters or
40:32
other things that are available out there and ask whether anybody's currently
40:36
involved with him. If you're becoming serious, watch his relationships with truth,
40:39
pay attention to patterns, keep your finances independent until trust is
40:44
earned and don't spend money on them because a lot of men are moochers these
40:47
days, ladies. Protect your sexual health and never apologize for
40:51
having standards. It's not being bitter. It's just being protective.
40:54
That's wisdom with the age of wifi. So a chronic
40:58
cheater can waste years of your life if you allow yourself to become obsessed with
41:02
answering one question. Why the heck was I not enough? But that's the
41:06
wrong question. Is this person honest? Is he worth my time? Is he
41:11
even capable of empathy? Does this person behave with integrity? And some
41:14
men will cry when they talk to you and try to act vulnerable. That is
41:19
usually a green flag. But if they're constantly doing it
41:22
because they keep screwing up, that's a red flag. So remember
41:25
that. Figure out if you can even trust him with your body or your future,
41:28
because character matters. Integrity matters. Empathy and truth
41:32
matter. Sexually, exclusivity matters when sexual
41:36
exclusivity is the agreement. If you decide that's not what you want, then that's fine.
41:40
That's on you. But ladies, stop cheating with other people's men and stop cheating
41:44
with married men and stop going around. It's ridiculous.
41:47
It never ends well. So when you discover who you're dealing with,
41:50
somebody else who chronically cheats, chronically lies, and chronically needs strangers to
41:54
validate him, stop trying to prove that you're the woman who can finally save
41:58
him because he can't save himself. You're definitely not going to be the one that
42:02
saves him. Him. He doesn't need another girlfriend. He needs a therapist. You need reservations
42:06
somewhere fabulous and go have some fun. Take a trip.
42:09
Go play with yourself and enjoy your time. You are not
42:12
responsible for rehabilitating a grown man, or I
42:16
should say a grown little boy that should have been a man that should have
42:19
come to a relationship healed. Let him go. You're responsible
42:23
for protecting your life, the one you've got. Check your facts,
42:26
protect your health, and protect your money. Then you can protect your That's the
42:30
lesson you should have learned. You can move forward because the goal isn't finding a
42:34
man who, who couldn't possibly cheat. It's just finding a worthy,
42:37
trustworthy, loyal man. Most adults can cheat, but most adults
42:42
don't choose to. The goal is finding someone whose integrity makes him choose
42:45
not to. That should not be considered an extraordinary standard.
42:48
It should be the bare minimum, ladies. It's the bare minimum. If a guy
42:52
can't give you the bare minimum, why are you with him? I hope this helps.
42:56
The bare minimum is what we should all be requesting in life. In fact,
42:59
I think we should be requesting the maximum. This is Diva
43:02
Mia. Today's Diva Details, it's never, never spend years
43:06
investigating a man when you've already discovered enough to fire him.
43:09
Remember, you're the one hiring him. And if he's not good enough for you,
43:13
because that's the truth, they're not good enough for you,
43:16
then let him go because you were good enough.
43:19
Otherwise, he wouldn't have pursued you in the first place. He's just not good
43:23
enough for you. So I hope this helped. Stay strong, stay powerful, stay motivated,
43:27
and keep your chin up. It gets easier, I promise. Take care.
43:31
Thanks for tuning in.
43:34
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43:38
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43:42
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43:48
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