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Do Us All A Favor And STFU!! Complaining About Complainers · The Scott Townsend Show

Britany McCullough   Welcome to The Scott Townsend Show brought to you by Deetsoman Productions. Scott Townsend   Hey, this is Scott Townsend. Welcome back to The Scott Townsend Show. And we are talking today about complaining. This is a part I'll add this to the series about excellence in the workplace. And I just ran across this article in the Harvard Business Review the next time you want to complain at work, do this instead. It just seems to me that wherever I go, you don't have to go too far. And friends, family, colleagues, everybody's complaining about work. And it's, it just wears on you after a while. And it's kind of fun to complain. Yeah, it, it releases some endorphins or whatever, dopamine, I don't know. But for some reason, it feels good to do it. But it seems like everybody's doing it. It's almost like epidemic of complaining. It's it's like everybody's not, no, I don't want to say not in control. But everybody has no recourse other than just to complain to each other. So here's this article by Harvard Business Review, Peter Bregman. And so it goes something like this. This article, I thought was really good. And I'm just wanted to share with you and add some thoughts as we, as we go through this short article. I looked at my watch, it was 3:20pm. I'd been on the phone for over an hour, almost all that time. Listening to Frank, a senior manager at Jumbo, and the names and companies names have been chained, changed to protect privacy. a technology company complain about his boss, Brandon Jambo is a company I know well, I have many ongoing relationships, chips there from when I used to work with their CEO, but they are not currently a client. In other words, I wasn't soliciting complaints, or asking for feedback. And that's just how easy this kind of thing starts. You know, you're talking to somebody about something else and they start complaining and then you find yourself caught, can't get away. You want to step away. You don't want to be rude. It's usually a friend. And you don't want to be unfriendly. You want to seem like you're empathetic and you have a listening ear. So you get caught in this little complaint trap. He goes on to say he's so scattered Frank griped about Brandon, he'll waltz into a meeting late mind you, and share his most recent idea, which is often a complete distraction from our current plan. totally ignoring our agenda. And then he'll micromanage everything we do. reorganizing our work, that we're still accountable for the stuff he's ignoring. That's not the worst. The worst is he's completely clueless and he thinks he's great. lashes that he thinks he's great at yesterday's meeting, bla bla bla bla bla, kind of reminds me of Dilbert. This guy is is talking about this guy named Frank. Everything we do reorganizing our work, though we're still accountable for the stuff he's ignoring. This was not the only complaining I heard from people at jumbo earlier that week, I'd spoken to several others as well as a few members of the board. And they just weren't complaining about Brandon, they were complaining about each other as well. I also spoke directly with Brandon who just as Frank said thought of himself as a very strong leader. Meanwhile, he had a mouthful of complaints about Frank and some of the other staff. He also complained about the board. Man So everybody's complaining people are down below are complaining people of above are complaining. I added up all the time I'd spent listening to people at jumbo complained about each other that week, three hours and 45 minutes. And that was just the time they spent complaining to me. Yeah, so how many other times has that same recitation gone to others as well. And that doesn't even include the complaining they do about their peers and employees, which would be hard to believe if not for the fact that if you pay attention to what you experienced during your day, you'd find this pretty accurate. Imagine the productivity in reducing all those complaining hours, now, really, I mean, and so you see, people kicked back, legs crossed, complaining to each other sitting in an office talking about injustices and shooting down other people around them. Not only are they running down others around them instead of building them up, but they're also not doing what they're supposed to be doing. So, man, this thing, it's no wonder businesses aren't any more productive than they could be. Here's what happens. Someone annoys us, we're dissatisfied with how we're, they're behaving. Maybe we're angry, frustrated or threatened. Those feelings build up as energy in our bodies, literally creating physical discomfort. That's why we call them feelings because we actually physically feel them. And just as a side note, I mean, I'm not exempt from this. Yeah, I've had physically physical discomfort when someone has dissed me, or someone who has done me wrong in the workplace in front of others, blah, blah, blah, you name it. It can feel really bad. When we complain about someone else, the uncomfortable feelings begin to dissipate, because complaining releases the pent up energy. That's why we say things like I'm venting, or I'm blowing off steam. But as we'll see, in a moment, that dissipation doesn't just read release the energy it spreads it which actually makes it grow. Additionally, when we complain to people who seem to agree with us, and we almost always complain to people who seem to agree with us, we solicit comfort, camaraderie, connection, support and justification, which counteracts the bad feelings with some fresh new good ones. Complaining changes the balance of negative positive energy. And for a brief moment, at least we feel better. It's actually a pretty reliable process addictive even. I think I'll just stop there for a second. It's an addiction. And I totally believe that, because the more you do it, when you do it, you feel like the article says, and I know from experience, you feel better after you do it. You spur each other on. You tell somebody about a grievance, and then they tell you about a grievance against them. And you're going oh, yeah, yeah, back and forth. And you're seems like you're building each other up, but you're really just tearing down the organization around you getting this little shot of adrenaline or dopamine, whatever. And it feels good. And you feel like you're getting something done, and you're just blowing up blowing off this steam. And, yep, now I feel better. Here's the addiction. So the cycle, something else happens, you go find the listening ear, a person who's empathetic and you go into it again. Then you get your little shot of adrenaline dopamine. Feels good. Now you're on in this habit creating cycle, and it becomes you could Yeah, it becomes an addiction. And so then, people are addicted to this, probably don't even realize it. And whether or not they really want to do it, they do do it because it feels good. So yeah, it's an addiction. Complaining is an addiction. I totally believe that. Which is the problem. And the article continues, which is the problem beyond even the waste of time. Like just about all addictions, we're feeding the spin of a destructive, never ending cycle, the root, the release of pressure, the good feeling the ephemeral. And in fact, the more we complain, the more likely the frustration over time will increase. Here's why. When we release the pent up energy by complaining, we're releasing it sideways. We almost never complained directly to the person who was catalyzing our complaints. We complain to our friends and family. We're not having direct conversations to solve a problem. We're seeking allies. We're not identifying actions that could help we're almost literally literally blowing off steam. Yeah, so it goes off site so you complain to those around you that can do nothing about it. And they'll agree with you. They'll get in the mud with you. They'll come you complain, they'll complain and it feels pretty good. But nothing happens other than actually, there are some things that happen. There's a lot of things that happen. Number one, you're not getting anything done about the situation. And let me let me go on this is why complaining is such a bad move creating complaining creates a number of dysfunctional side effects again beyond the time wasted. It creates factions prevents or delays because it replaces productive, productive engagement reinforces and strengthens dissatisfaction riles up others breaks trust and potentially makes the complainer appear negative. We become the cancer we're complaining about the negative influence that seeps into the culture. So yeah. So you have these warring factions, one department against another, you wonder how these how all these different departments I see that a lot. One department will complain about another department. And often I wonder, why don't you just go to that department department head and talk to them about this situation? It's it's a legitimate situation. Why don't you go talk to him about and see if you can fix it. But nobody wants to fix it. They just want to complain about it, which makes them feel good. So you've got one department against another department and it just builds and grows. And it's always an excuse, why things don't happen because the other department, bla bla bla, bla bla. factions, yeah, reinforces and strengthens dissatisfaction because you're rehearsing the problem. You rehearse the problem over and over again, never talking about the solution. Never talking about you know how to fix something. You just talk about the problem. riles up others? Yeah. So you get people who are maybe they've been done wrong to and by the same person. And so they get riled up, you get riled up, you roll them up, they rally you up. Pretty soon everybody's got a good match going on. And nothing's getting done about it. No, no production is as taking place. And just this whole gets deeper and deeper. It breaks trust and potentially makes the complainer appear negative. This is, this is one that no one realizes, I think is that they don't realize how bad it makes them look when they are complaining. And that's not a good thing. Worse, our complaining amplifies the destructiveness and annoyance of the initial frustration about what you are complaining. You know, when you're late, when I was laid off, there was nothing more grading than to hear someone who had a job. When I was laid off and looking for a job during COVID, that was super hard, because nobody was hiring for the most part because everybody was at home. And nobody was going into the office. And no one knew what was going on. And the whole world was in upheaval. At least the United States. The whole workforce, the faces of the workforce changed dramatically. So look for a job during a pandemic, that was pretty tough. It was tough. And I would talk to some friends of mine who would start immediately to complain about the job they had, and then justices they faced and all that stuff. And it really graded on me because here I am looking for a job. I'd love to have a job that I could complain about. You know what I mean? But they was so distasteful to hear about someone complaining. It's like a spoiled person who's complaining about how much money they have. Maybe if you don't have any or whatever you don't have they have it and now they're complaining about it. And yeah, I just left a really bad taste in my mouth and found that I didn't want to spend much time with them listening to him. They weren't helping me out any. I was I thought I was helping actually by listening spending time trying to be sympathetic, empathetic friend, but yeah, it was just I was just enabling the complaining to continue. So if you have a friend who's been laid off If we're looking for work, don't complain about your job to them, because they can give anything to have a job to complain about. Let's see here what's? Yeah, so the, the solution here is to go right to the heart of the problem, if you like it, we've said a while ago, you know, if there's one, one person or one department, that's creating a problem, go straight to the per person. Now, this takes courage. And it's not easy. It's super easy and super cheap to complain to others who can't do anything about it. But it takes a little bit of courage, sometimes a lot of courage to go to the person, the department had, whatever. And, you know, it's it's good to walk in with the kind demeanor, thoughtful caring, you just want the problem solved. You don't have an axe to grind. I've got this problem, can we talk about it? You know, use good diplomatic skills, visit with him and see if there's a solution that can be had. Now if it's a personal problem, like someone who yells and yells in a meeting, or is abrasive it's a boss who, like this one, that was the they were talking about earlier in the article, micromanaging, expecting people to hold them accountable, but still changing up the work that they had to do. Yeah, I mean, I, I'm of the opinion, you just go in, and you talk to him about it. Let them know the jigs up that your BS meters really finely dialed in. And this isn't this, you know, don't give him an ultimatum. That's not what I'm saying. But you might call him with no column on it, not my column on a column on it. And talk to him about it. Say hey, this behavior, you know, you're doing a good job here and whatever. But when when you start yelling in a meeting that really alienates everyone. And I don't think that's a good look for you. And I think it's something that you should think about and consider in the future. Or whatever the behavior is that needs changed. And if they don't change, and if they continue to abuse others, or disrespect, your call it you or your colleagues and they don't listen to what you have to say, even though you presented it in a as thoughtful and it's caring, and as diplomatic. away as you could. Maybe, then it's time to go to their boss and say, hey, look, I've had a talk with Johnny Boy here, and he I don't think he's getting it. And here's what happened. And let them try to fix it. Let your boss's boss try to fix it. Because at the end of the day, I use that phrase. I hate that phrase. Oh my god. Why did I say that? Okay. So, in conclusion, we all just show up to work to solve problems, go home, have a good time with the family, go to sleep, wake up, go back to work, do it again the next day. See some progress, you hope you see some progress and, and help each other out and help each other succeed, be successful. Complaining doesn't make anything better. It doesn't help us succeed. It just it brings you and your cohorts down. And that doesn't solve the problem. It just creates more negativity, it creates more. It creates less productivity because the time spent complaining you could have spent that time doing something about it or something else. I'm not saying that you don't that you hold it in. If you've something's happened, and it really bothers you. That's legit, that's totally normal. And if you have a problem with someone or they they're really bugging you, something's going on. You might want to go you should go talk to him about it. And I would suggest maybe bringing a third party in like you know, if it's to do colleagues and then you know, bring in your boss as a referee or as a third as a person who just as just as a witness so that they're not he said she said kind of a thing going on. But you know the the third party should remain quiet. Just listen, they're not there for anything else other than to witness the end. action between you and the person you have a problem with, talk to the person you have a problem with, let them know, you know, whatever the behavior was whatever they said or did struck you in such a way that, that it wasn't professional or wasn't in line with your culture and how you believe things should go and come up with the solution. And then part ways. And you know, you might want to document that conversation. For later, why would you want to document it? I think for you, it would be good to document it so that you don't forget. And that you know, as time goes by details are forgotten, might be there to write something down just to remind yourself of the conversation that you had, what was said, Any expectations that were outlined in the agreements or disagreements, this is not to get anybody in trouble not to get the other person in trouble. It's just to help you. Remember the good thing that you did, to remember the courage that it took to have this conversation and to help the other person get better? So there you go. No complaining, no complaining. I almost feel like I want to sign a piece of paper or something. A manifesto or a contract? is gonna Townsend promise not to complain. Look, Mr. Scott Townsend. I promise not to complain. I will practice good solution seeking habits. Yeah. And just go from there. I mean, if everybody Quit complaining if everybody started, you know, do your job. Don't complain, come to some agreement as far as coming up with solutions to problems, man, how much more productive? Could your business be your company? How much more satisfying? Would it be as an employee to be able to go to work and everybody's, you know, high five and having a good day and, and not rehearsing all the bad stuff that's gone on. We know that bad things happen. We know that problems come up every day they're supposed to, that's why we're there. We're there to solve solve problems. If we had no problems to solve, we would have no job. So it's, it's important to embrace the problems that know when you walk through those front doors. Today's gonna be a good day, we're gonna be problems that pop up and we are more than capable of handling these problems. More than K I mean, this is easy. This might be the easiest day in my life. Anyway, you get it. If you have any questions, concerns, comments, you can submit email Scott at Scott Townsend dot info. And yeah, subscribe to us on YouTube or check us out. Subscribe to us on Pandora, Spotify or wherever you listen to your podcasts. If you have examples of complaints or how you solve a situation like what we've been talking about today, we'd love to hear it. So go out there have a great day don't complain. Be a solution seeker be a problem solver. So this is Scott Townsend. Thanks for listening to The Scott Townsend Show. Have a great day and we'll talk to you later. Britany McCullough   Scott Townsend Show is a Deetsoman Productions. For more episodes, visit The Scott Townsend Show YouTube channel listen on Apple podcasts or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Transcribed by https://otter.ai