Latest / Banish the Lies: Outsmart Your Inner Critic / 36: The Lie: I Can’t Be Okay If You’re Not Okay (People Pleasing, Fixing, and Feeling Responsible for Others)

Transcript

36: The Lie: I Can’t Be Okay If You’re Not Okay (People Pleasing, Fixing, and Feeling Responsible for Others) · Banish the Lies: Outsmart Your Inner Critic

• 0:03
  Speaker: Welcome to Banish the Lies, the podcast where we outsmart that sneaky inner critic and get closer to the truth that sets us free.
• 0:10
  Speaker: I'm Tania Cervoni your host and fellow work in Progress here to share real stories and small shifts that help you reclaim what fear and doubt once stole.
• 0:21
  Speaker: Let's jump in.
• 0:22
  Speaker: Lately I've been sitting with something uncomfortable.
• 0:30
  Speaker: The recognition that I've spent a lot of my life believing that if you're not okay, I can't be okay.
• 0:38
  Speaker: Of course, I didn't call it that.
• 0:40
  Speaker: I called it empathy.
• 0:42
  Speaker: I called it love.
• 0:43
  Speaker: I called it being supportive.
• 0:45
  Speaker: But if I'm honest, it was more than that.
• 0:49
  Speaker: Making sure that you're okay was also my attempt at protecting myself from what I didn't want to feel.
• 0:56
  Speaker: The feelings that show up when a friend is upset and my body tightens or my daughter's overwhelmed and my mind starts scanning for solutions.
• 1:07
  Speaker: Or when someone in the room loses their temper and my stomach is in knots.
• 1:13
  Speaker: The urgency I feel in these situations to help, to soothe, to fix, it's pretty automatic.
• 1:22
  Speaker: And I'm starting to see that it doesn't come up just because I care.
• 1:26
  Speaker: It also comes up because I can't fully settle until other people do.
• 1:32
  Speaker: Some of this I think is conditioning.
• 1:35
  Speaker: If you grow up in an environment where big emotions aren't handled well and no one circles back afterwards to make sense of what just happened, things can feel unpredictable.
• 1:48
  Speaker: And for a child, unpredictable doesn't just feel uncomfortable.
• 1:54
  Speaker: It often feels unsafe.
• 1:56
  Speaker: We're wired for co-regulation, so kids borrow calm from adults.
• 2:03
  Speaker: And that's how we learn to regulate ourselves.
• 2:07
  Speaker: So when calm isn't consistently available, the nervous system adapts.
• 2:13
  Speaker: Some kids become incredibly attuned.
• 2:16
  Speaker: They read tone shifts.
• 2:19
  Speaker: They notice subtle changes.
• 2:21
  Speaker: They become the peacemakers, the overly mature ones, the mediators, and it works.
• 2:28
  Speaker: It gives you a sense of control when things feel messy or overwhelming.
• 2:34
  Speaker: It's like you can steady the situation by stepping in.
• 2:38
  Speaker: But there are two problems with this strategy.
• 2:42
  Speaker: You need everyone else to be regulated before your system can calm down.
• 2:49
  Speaker: And it doesn't just disappear when you grow up.
• 2:53
  Speaker: You become the adult who can sense when something's off before anyone says a word.
• 2:58
  Speaker: You know how to soothe, you know how to help.
• 3:02
  Speaker: And people probably appreciate that about you.
• 3:06
  Speaker: But somewhere along the way, helping stops being a choice and it starts feeling like more of a reflex.
• 3:14
  Speaker: The other day, for example, a friend of mine was struggling and I felt the familiar urge to rise up.
• 3:22
  Speaker: I wanted to offer advice.
• 3:26
  Speaker: I wanted to help her reframe her thoughts and ultimately move her towards a solution.
• 3:31
  Speaker: But instead I paused.
• 3:33
  Speaker: I just listened and it felt really uncomfortable, like I was standing there without any power or any purpose.
• 3:42
  Speaker: And that's when I realized something.
• 3:45
  Speaker: When I help someone feel better, I often feel relief.
• 3:49
  Speaker: And that relief isn't just generosity.
• 3:52
  Speaker: It's regulation.
• 3:54
  Speaker: Calming you calms me.
• 3:57
  Speaker: But there's another layer.
• 3:59
  Speaker: And I didn't really expect this one.
• 4:02
  Speaker: And it's not just that helping calms my nervous system.
• 4:08
  Speaker: It's that it gives me something else too.
• 4:11
  Speaker: It gives me a sense that I'm useful, that I'm needed, that I'm good for something.
• 4:17
  Speaker: And that's a bit harder to admit.
• 4:20
  Speaker: Because when I'm the one who can step in, offer perspective, help someone feel better, there's a part of me that feels validated in that.
• 4:33
  Speaker: Like, I have a role.
• 4:35
  Speaker: I have a purpose.
• 4:36
  Speaker: So when I don't do that, like in instances where I know I shouldn't step in and I just instead sit there and listen, these are the moments where I don't just feel uncomfortable.
• 4:53
  Speaker: I feel a little lost.
• 4:55
  Speaker: Like, if I'm not fixing this, what good am I right now?
• 5:00
  Speaker: And I didn't realize how much I equated being useful with being good enough.
• 5:08
  Speaker: And even more specifically, if I can't help, maybe I'm not smart enough to help, or maybe I'm just not that capable.
• 5:18
  Speaker: And trying to shift out of this is hard because it's not just a behavior.
• 5:24
  Speaker: It's loosening an identity.
• 5:27
  Speaker: And when I really sit with this, there are a couple of lies underneath all of this.
• 5:34
  Speaker: The first one, if you're not okay, I can't be okay.
• 5:39
  Speaker: And the second one is this.
• 5:41
  Speaker: If I can't help you, I've failed.
• 5:45
  Speaker: If I'm not useful in this moment, I'm not good enough.
• 5:49
  Speaker: Maybe I'm not even as capable as I think I am.
• 5:53
  Speaker: And what I'm realizing is this.
• 5:58
  Speaker: I can't just decide to stop fixing.
• 6:01
  Speaker: I have to learn how to stay in my own body when someone I love is not okay.
• 6:07
  Speaker: And frankly, that's hard for me.
• 6:10
  Speaker: It's one thing to say I won't give advice.
• 6:13
  Speaker: It's another thing entirely to sit beside your child when she's spiraling and not feel your own nervous system go on high alert.
• 6:22
  Speaker: When someone I love is overwhelmed, something activates in me.
• 6:27
  Speaker: My chest tightens, my thoughts speed up.
• 6:30
  Speaker: I feel the urge to move them out of it and quickly.
• 6:35
  Speaker: Not just for them, but because I can feel it in my own body.
• 6:39
  Speaker: So what I'm learning is that this isn't about detaching, however.
• 6:45
  Speaker: It's about building capacity.
• 6:48
  Speaker: Capacity to tolerate discomfort.
• 6:51
  Speaker: Capacity to let someone struggle without immediately intervening.
• 6:56
  Speaker: Capacity to trust their capability even when your anxiety is loud.
• 7:02
  Speaker: Capacity to stay connected without overfunctioning.
• 7:07
  Speaker: And the first one, that's the gatekeeper, tolerating discomfort.
• 7:14
  Speaker: Can I feel the tightness in my chest and not act on it?
• 7:19
  Speaker: Can I notice the urge to fix and surrender it to God?
• 7:24
  Speaker: Can I sit beside someone in pain without trying to lighten it so I can feel safer?
• 7:31
  Speaker: Sometimes the hardest part isn't knowing what to say.
• 7:35
  Speaker: It's keeping yourself anchored when everything inside of you wants to react.
• 7:40
  Speaker: And there's something else I've noticed.
• 7:43
  Speaker: When you stop trying to fix or save others, at first you can actually feel less connected.
• 7:50
  Speaker: I remember as a child sitting around tables with my aunts growing up.
• 7:56
  Speaker: So much of the conversation revolved around what someone was going through, the hardship, the drama, the emotional storms.
• 8:04
  Speaker: It wasn't cruel gossip, it sounded caring, it sounded concerned, but there was definitely intensity in it.
• 8:14
  Speaker: Everyone kind of leaned in.
• 8:17
  Speaker: The room felt, I don't know, it felt energized.
• 8:21
  Speaker: It felt like we were all connected in this problem we were talking about.
• 8:26
  Speaker: And looking back, I think I learned that this is what connection felt like.
• 8:32
  Speaker: Shared processing, this emotional charge, everyone being in it together.
• 8:39
  Speaker: So now when I choose not to engage in that kind of intensity-based bonding, it can feel different, sometimes even a little isolating because intensity can masquerade as intimacy.
• 8:56
  Speaker: When you're deeply entangled in someone's emotional state, it can feel important.
• 9:02
  Speaker: It gives you a sense of purpose.
• 9:04
  Speaker: It feels alive.
• 9:05
  Speaker: So learning to hold space instead of fixing, well, it definitely feels unfamiliar.
• 9:12
  Speaker: I've been practicing it in small ways, sitting beside someone while they cry without trying to take away their pain, saying things like, "I'll trust you, I'll find your way," and meaning it, asking a thoughtful question instead of offering a solution.
• 9:30
  Speaker: And in doing that, I can feel the identity shift.
• 9:35
  Speaker: The one who was the fixer, the helper, the one who was always there for everyone.
• 9:42
  Speaker: There's, there's been grief in trying to let that go.
• 9:47
  Speaker: Grief for the identity, grief for how many years I didn't see this clearly, grief for how much energy I carried that wasn't mine to carry in the first place.
• 9:59
  Speaker: I'm still in the middle of this, as I often say.
• 10:03
  Speaker: I'm still a work in progress, especially in parenting because there's a real responsibility there, but even then, there's a difference between guiding and absorbing.
• 10:17
  Speaker: The voice of the fixer says, "I need this to change so I can feel safe." But presence says, "I can stay even if this is unresolved.
• 10:31
  Speaker: And I'm learning that the healed version of the fixer isn't detached.
• 10:37
  Speaker: She's grounded.
• 10:38
  Speaker: She still cares deeply.
• 10:41
  Speaker: She still shows up, but she doesn't entangle her emotions.
• 10:46
  Speaker: She doesn't respond from urgency.
• 10:49
  Speaker: It's becoming clearer to me that love isn't solving.
• 10:53
  Speaker: Maybe it's simply being present.
• 10:56
  Speaker: Maybe it's trusting that the people we care about are more capable than our anxiety tells us they are.
• 11:03
  Speaker: And maybe we are too.
• 11:05
  Speaker: And if you've been the peacemaker, the fixer, the stabilizer, I just want to say I see you.
• 11:13
  Speaker: And if you're in that uncomfortable middle space learning how to stay steady in your own body while the people around you are not, I want you to know you're not alone.
• 11:25
  Speaker: We are building capacity, and that kind of capacity grows slowly.
• 11:31
  Speaker: But maybe learning to stay steady when someone else is struggling is one of the most loving things we can do.
• 11:41
  Speaker: Thanks for listening to Banish The Lies.
• 11:48
  Speaker: If today's episode resonated with you, take a moment to let it settle in.
• 11:52
  Speaker: And maybe share it with a friend who could use it too.
• 11:55
  Speaker: Lies, lose their power when we're brave enough to challenge them.
• 11:59
  Speaker: I'm Tania Cervoni, and until next time, be kind to yourself.
• 12:04
  Speaker: And remember, you're not broken, you're not alone, and you don't have to stay stuck.