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Are you with a narcissist? · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Happy Friday, everyone.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: Let's talk about narcissistic personality disorder.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: You are listening to Hedge Drink Inc.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Your Answers to Life, Relationships, and Daily Living.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: Hello, friends.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for tuning in.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: Let's do some housekeeping.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: So I have moved offices.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: So there's potentially an echo that you may hear.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: And the echo is due to this new office that's great.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: It has windows, but it does not have.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: Apparently, people said I need to have canvas on my walls because canvas will dampen sound.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: So I apologize if there's an echo and if it's annoying, but it is what it is.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have canvas on my wall to solve that problem.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: It is a Friday.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: My office has windows, and I've changed offices, and it's great.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: I love this new office that I have.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: My old office had no windows and it was kind of I just didn't like it.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: So there's daylight streaming through my windows, which is amazing.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: Don't discount windows.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: Windows are great things.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: So I got an email a couple weeks ago from a woman wanting me to talk about narcissistic personality disorder.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: And she wrote me about a boyfriend that she currently has.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're listening to this podcast, ma'am, I still think you should get out of that relationship because it's a horrible relationship as you described it.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: But she described all these horrible characteristics that her boyfriend had, and was wondering if it's if it's narcissistic personality disorder or if there's narcissistic traits.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't diagnose people from afar.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: Like I actually have to talk to people and ask lots of questions.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: And as a side note, that's why I think it's often comical when people try to diagnose a celebrity or president or something when they've never actually talked to them.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's unethical and it's just it's foolish.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: So I don't do that.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: So the description that this woman gave me, I can't tell you if this person has a narcissistic personality disorder, but I can tell you what some traits are of somebody that does have narcissistic personality disorder.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: So let's let's do a little history.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: So the idea of narcissism or the word itself came from a Greek mythological figure, and that Greek mythological figure's name was narcissus.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: And narcissists was the most handsome man at the time.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: Um and he broke hearts and he would never commit to anybody.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: But one day, Narcissus sat down next to a pool of water, and he looked in this pool of water and saw his reflection.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: And guess what?
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: He fell in love with his reflection, and he loved his reflection so much he could not leave the pool.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: And I this is where I'm not exactly sure, but somehow he turned into a flower, and that's where we get the narcissist flower from.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: And so, fast forward to today, you have narcissistic personality disorder, um, which is related to this narcissist Greek mythological figure.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I don't know all the history behind which doctors said, hey, let's use this Greek mythology as a as a way to um name this personality disorder, but that's the historical or that's the history behind the name narcissist.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: Um I I've been doing this job long enough where I've seen kind of cycles of diagnoses happen, right?
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: So when I first started in my career, ADD or ADHD was a big diagnosis.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: So a kid was having a problem at school, um, they immediately get an ADD or ADHD diagnosis from anyone that could diagnose.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: Um and then the trend became uh bipolar disorder.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I've seen it where, oh, this kid's ha has these mood swings and they're kids, their brain's not fully developed, they got hormones going on, maybe they have problems at home.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: So to me, that would make sense that there's mood swings, but I don't immediately I wouldn't immediately jump to it being a bi bipolar disorder.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: But but that tends to be a new trend that I see.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: Another trend that I'm now seeing is this trend of people calling um partners that are demanding or that are insensitive or things like that, they they call them narcissistic.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I think there's a difference.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: I think there's a narcissistic personality disorder, and then there's narcissistic traits that a person may have, but then that doesn't mean that they have narcissistic personality disorder.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: A personality disorder, um, there's there's a few, and I I don't know, I think there's maybe eight, seven, or seven to ten personality disorders.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: And these are things that when you're diagnosed with this, um, it's who you are.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it's how you are in the world.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: You know, we we we talk about people have an introverted personality or an extroverted personality.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: Um when you when you get diagnosed with a personality disorder, you can't just change that.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: That's who they are as a person.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_01: And so trying to reason with that personality disorder is not possible because that's who they are.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: Um, people don't seem to understand that.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: People seem to think that when someone has a personality disorder, that oh, that that's just something that they're kind of like that sometimes.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: No, I mean if they get truly diagnosed, go through a psychiatric assessment and get diagnosed with a with a personality disorder, that is who they are as a person.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: And so you just have to be aware of that when you interact with somebody that has a personality disorder.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so let's just go through some of the symptoms of someone with a personality disorder, a narcissistic personality disorder.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: So it's indicated by five or more of the following symptoms, and these symptoms have to be constant.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um, exaggerates on importance, is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or an ideal romance, believes he or she is special and can only be understood by other special people, requires constant attention and admiration from others, has unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment, takes advantage of others to reach his or her own goals, disregards the feelings of others, lacks empathy, is often envious of others or believes other people are envious of him or her, shows arrogant behaviors and attitudes.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: Um and so remember, you have to be this is um you're diagnosed with a with a personality disorder when you go through a psychiatric assessment of some sort.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: Um, people that are trained to determine if you have a personality disorder.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: Often what happens, I'll get someone that comes in my office and they have a boyfriend that you know uh requires constant attention and admiration, let's say.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: And so immediately people think, oh, they're narcissistic, or they have they have a narcissistic personality disorder.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: And that's just simply not true because I think there's like if you think about your own life at times, there was probably times in your own life that um maybe you took advantage of someone else to reach a goal of that you wanted, or maybe you've exaggerated your own importance, or maybe you had unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment, or maybe you're in a relationship where you required constant attention from the person that you're in a relationship with.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: I think then that does not then mean you have a narcissistic personality disorder.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: It means that maybe you have some chat relationship challenges, but it doesn't mean you have a personality disorder.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's where people get a little bit mixed up at times because there's borderline personality disorder, histrionic, antisocial, paranoid personality disorder.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: There's all these things that have very specific um symptoms attached to them that you have to meet.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: So it's not something that someone off the street can say, Oh yeah, you probably have narcissistic personality disorder.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and again, a lot of these things, if you think back to your own life, there may have been a time, a period of time where you did exaggerate your own importance because you weren't feeling good about yourself or you had some low self-esteem.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: That does not mean you're a narcissist.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so I want I hopefully I'm clear.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: There's a specific diagnosis for a narcissistic personality disorder, and it's you have to have five or more of the following symptoms that I just you know talked about previously.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: Now, there is narcissistic behavior that a person can have in a relationship, and so I want to go over 10 things that you could be in a relationship with someone that's a narcissist.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: Now, that's different than someone with a narcissistic personality disorder.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: Um, hopefully I've made that clear.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: A narcissist is someone who like they think they're great, essentially, right?
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: And so these are some these are some uh signs that if you are in a relationship with somebody that does any or has kind of any of these signs, um, chances are they could be a narcissist but not have a narcissistic personality disorder.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so let's go through them.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: So number one, and these are in no order of importance, they're just a list of ten things just to look for in your relationship.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so number one is a conversation hoarder.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: The narcissist loves to talk about him or herself, doesn't give a chance for you to take part in a two-way conversation, you don't get to have your views and feelings heard.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_01: Um, if you don't agree with them, your comments are likely to be corrected, dismissed, or ignored.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: Um, a second one is a conversation interrupter.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so the thing with that is like I interrupt conversations in when I'm in session with couples or with families, but it doesn't mean that I have narcissistic tendencies.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: So you can be a conversation interrupter just because you have poor communication skills, or you're a therapist that's trying to stop a negative communication cycle.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: Um, the narcissist interrupts and quickly switches the focus back to herself.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: Um he shows little genuine interests, right?
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_01: So a lot of times where I've seen that is you could be um talking about this thing that you did that you thought was exciting that you wanted to share with someone that you um have fond feelings for, and that person takes that thing and one-ups it, right?
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: Or they stop you from explaining this and they tell you about the time that they did whatever it was that they're wanting to think they're wanting you to think is better than the thing that you that you did.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_01: Um, a third one is a rule breaker.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: A narcissist enjoys getting away with uh violating rules and social norms, so cutting in line, um perhaps under tipping, um, taking off supplies, breaking appointments, disobeying traffic laws, um, and they're proud of it, and they'll and they'll tell you that like they will tell you that that's something they did, and they're like, I'm in control of my life, no one can tell me what to do.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_01: Um, a fourth sign is a boundary violator.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: So they show disregard for other people's thoughts, feelings, possessions, and physical space.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_01: And even after they've told you, hey, I don't like it when you do this, um, they use others without consideration or sensitivity.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_01: They borrow items or money without returning, break promises and obligations repeatedly, show a little remorse and blames the victim for one's own lack of respect.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_01: It's your fault that I forgot because you didn't remind me.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_01: I I've had lots of couples come in where um, or like kids too, right?
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_01: A teenager who doesn't get woken up for school, and so then they blame the parent.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I didn't make school today because you didn't wake me up.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_01: Well, no, it's your responsibility to go to the school and you're 17, and so therefore you're old enough to wake up on your own.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_01: Does that mean this person has a narcissistic personality disorder?
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: Is that a narcissistic trait?
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: Sure it is, because they're not owning their bad behavior, so they're a boundary violator.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_01: Um, number five is a false image projection.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_01: So many narcissists uh they like to do things to impress others by making themselves look good.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_01: So it's like a trophy complex.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_01: So Instagram is where you can really see it, or social media is where you can really see it, um, because that's just ultimate fakeness.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_01: They can put whatever they want in their Instagram picture, and you will never see what they're really like outside in real life.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so they they have that they have feelings of inadequacy, and so they have to show the world.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I'm using Instagram as an example, they have to show the world like the cool thing that they're doing in the moment, and you know, with the selfie, or so the underlying message of that type of display is I'm better than you, look how special I am, I'm cool, you need to accept me because I'm hip and with it.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_01: Um so that's number five.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_01: Number six is entitlement.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_01: So the narcissists often expect preferential treatment from others, um, they expect others to cater to their needs, and usually that you'll see that really drastically in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you'll have someone who says, You need to come pick me up, or you need to take me to this place, and it's a very demanding relationship.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_01: And the email that I got from this person that prompted this uh podcast topic described that, like this entitlement that her boyfriend had.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_01: Um, charmer.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_01: So narcissists can be very charismatic and persuasive when they're interested in you, and it's not because it's you, it's like gonna please them somehow.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_01: Um, they make you feel special and wanted.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_01: However, once they lose interest, um they'll ignore you, they'll be bored of you, and they'll move on to the next person, right?
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_01: They may drop you without a second thought, they can be very engaging and sociable as long as you're fulfilling what they desire and giving all of their attention to you.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_01: Um, a narcissist usually has a grandiose personality, so they think of themselves as um this hero or this savior, a prince, a one-of-a-kind special person.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I have told people when they come into my counseling office that and they say, Oh, we've gone through lots of counselors, and who knows if you're gonna work.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_01: And I tell people, you know what, you just haven't met me because I'm a great counselor and we're gonna, you know, rock whatever the issue is, we're gonna figure it out.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_01: Now, is that grandiose?
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_01: Sure, but I it doesn't mean I'm a narcissist, right?
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_01: It's if you're doing that in all situations.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I mean, I think you can be proud of yourself and you can say I'm really good at what I do, but that doesn't mean you're a narcissist.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_01: So there's a grandiose um personality.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, they they may say, once again, I saved the day.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_01: Without me, those people are nothing.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_01: I've heard that often with when I'm working with people where they think it's interesting because usually it's it's I haven't run in often to women that have a grandiose personality.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_01: Usually it's guys that have grandiose personalities.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_01: And they're um they talk in a way that is just kind of off-putting, at least it is for me.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_01: And they make it seem like they've got the solutions to everyone's problems, and if people just listen to them, um there wouldn't be mix-ups in government or in a business or in a family relationship of some sort.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_01: Um, that that would be a grandiose personality.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so a lot of narcissists enjoy spreading and arousing negative emotions to get attention.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_01: So think of drama, right?
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_01: So um people that say, I don't like drama, but then they're all then they seem to always be in the middle of drama.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_01: Um, they're those would be narcissists, potentially.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_01: Um they're extra narcissists are extremely sensitive to criticism and tick typically respond with heated arguments or a cold kind of cold detachment.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_01: They're quick to judge, criticize, ridicule, and blame you.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_01: Um and again, that the the email that I got from this woman, there was some indication that that was going on in the relationship with her boyfriend.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and finally, there's a manipulation that goes on with narcissists, they use others as an extension of self.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_01: So making decisions for others to suit one's own needs, they may use his or her uh romantic partner, child, friend, or colleague to meet unreasonable unreasonable self-serving demands.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_01: Um and we hear, I mean, you've you've possibly heard it in relationships with people.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_01: So, for example, a dad may say, If my son doesn't grow up to be a professional baseball player, I'm gonna disown him.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I've spent so much money, I'm doing so much for my son to be this amazing person, right?
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_01: And that's fairly conditional.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_01: And when you hear that, you think, oh, that doesn't sound right.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_01: Um so they manipulate through guilt, also, um, such as saying, I'm giving you so much and you're so ungrateful.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_01: Um, or what where did I go wrong in raising you?
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I've heard my mom say that before, but that doesn't mean she's a narcissist.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_01: So with any of these 10 things, you have to you have to always be remembering, you may hear your spouse say that, but it may be a one-off.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_01: But if you're if you hear your spouse saying any number of these things over and over and over, um there's a good chance that there's some narcissist narcissistic traits that they have.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_01: And so that's something that you you can choose to stay in a relationship with that, but you have to have your eyes wide open to it and know that that's what's going on, or um you you can consider leaving, or you can come to a counselor, and then hopefully they can help this person see that these traits aren't helpful in a long-term relationship.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um to the woman that wrote the email, getting out of a relationship is difficult like this because there's gonna be a lot of emotional uh ties to this person, they're gonna make you feel guilty, they're gonna speak poorly about you, and so a lot of times people just want to avoid that and they stay in a relationship.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_01: And my suggestion to you and to any of you that are stuck in something like that, you gotta do the hard thing and get out of a relationship like that, because that's just gonna affect potentially kids down the line that you may have with this person.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_01: Um, because it doesn't just stop and it doesn't just get focused on you as the boyfriend or girlfriend or husband and wife, it's gonna get focused on any kind of any children that you bring into that marriage as well, and then that's just gonna create a very dysfunctional pattern that you have going on there.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_01: So hopefully that's been helpful talking about narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic traits.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um, there is definitely a clear difference there.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_01: Um, if you have any questions, you're always welcome to email me at headshrinkinc.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_01: That's headshrinkinc at gmail.com or check me out on Facebook at docdavid.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_01: Just put in docdavid and I should pop up or docdavid.net.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_01: Um until next time, until next time, have a great week.