Latest / Butterfly Days w Tami Jorden / Aging Parents & Money: The Talk You Keep Avoiding with Abbe Large

Transcript

Aging Parents & Money: The Talk You Keep Avoiding with Abbe Large · Butterfly Days w Tami Jorden

• 0:10
  speaker-0 (00:00.046)
• 0:10
  Today's interview. It is so wonderful. It went in a direction I did not see. Today I spoke with Abbe Large. She's the managing director at Lenox Advisors. They're a wealth management and insurance advisory firm, very large. They have offices across the United States.
• 0:10
  She's got more than three decades of experience. She specializes in comprehensive financial planning, estate strategies, asset management, and she also does corporate benefits design, which is kind of cool. Her approach is very personal and empathetic. It's shaped by her own experiences and navigating financial complexities with her own family. And that's where this whole thing became so interesting.
• 0:11
  Because I decided I'm gonna talk to Abbe and not her resume. So getting to hear Abbe, who was a passionate advocate for financial literacy, particularly among family and women, was amazing. And I think what you're gonna love about it is how much that you come to understand not only about the power of being prepared in financial literacy, but another woman's story about
• 0:12
  what her experience was like and how she manages it and how she thinks about it. She was willing to be raw and honest and vulnerable. And I have to tell you, I kind of have a girl crush on Abbe Large. She's amazing and I cannot wait to share this episode with you. Also, small side note for those of my YouTube girlies, I keep getting asked, what are you wearing? I often am wearing Avaraav A R A dot com or shopavara.com.
• 0:13
  I am not paid in any way, although if they would like to, I am available for that. But they make wonderful stuff and people keep asking. So I just wanted to share that. Let's get on with the show.
• 0:14
  speaker-0 (02:10.722)
• 0:14
  Welcome to My Realm. I'm Tami Jorden, and this is Butterfly Days, the podcast that proves you're not past your prime. You're living in it right now because women don't have expiration dates. Butterfly Days is a celebration of the extraordinary potential of Gen X and Boomer women. Throughout history, women have shared wisdom to uplift and empower one another. And you're about to learn hard-earned wisdom and best-kept secrets.
• 0:15
  From interesting, inspiring women. So if you're ready to embrace your butterfly season with confidence, find joy in the present, and create a legacy that matters, you're in the right place. No more holding back. Let's spread our wings now. Here we go!
• 0:16
  speaker-0 (03:02.284)
• 0:16
  Welcome to my realm. This is Tami Jorden, and you're listening to Butterfly Days. Today, my guest, you are going to love, Abbe Large. She is the managing director at Lennox Advisors. And even though a lot of you are afraid when I start talking about finance, I think you're going to find this to be a beautiful, helpful, and human discussion with Abbe about how finance connects with us.
• 0:17
  It's something that not a lot of people are talking about and Abbe is. And I really, really appreciate that. So I think maybe Abbe well welcome to the show first of all.
• 0:18
  speaker-1 (03:40.898)
• 0:18
  Thank you. It's wonderful to be here.
• 0:19
  speaker-0 (03:43.384)
• 0:19
  I'm very, very glad to help you. You've spent nearly thirty years helping families protect what matters, but then your father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I'm so sorry. And suddenly you were the daughter and not the expert. Take me back to that. Tell me about that.
• 0:20
  speaker-1 (04:01.836)
• 0:20
  Yeah, you know, I started my career when I was very young. I was only twenty six years old. And my family moved to Texas when I was in my early twenties. Yeah, they moved to Texas near you actually. And they just assumed that I was just going to follow them. And I was a New York girl and I didn't. So I was left in New York with no money, no support, no home.
• 0:20
  speaker-0 (04:14.902)
• 0:20
  Yeah.
• 0:21
  speaker-1 (04:31.2)
• 0:21
  Nothing. I was in the city and I was fighting my way through. Mm-hmm. My mother, I don't know. My mom, if I'm being completely open right now, my mom she had some personality difficulties from her upbringing. And it trickled into this toxic behavior that I really found very difficult to be around. So we weren't very close at all. My dad
• 0:21
  really loved my mom. They were high school sweethearts. And I don't think she ever really loved him. I don't think she understood what loving someone meant. I think her trauma as a child caused the narcissistic behavior which is really difficult to be around. So I grew up with that. And when they moved, naturally my sister and my father, you know, they all they all went and I was left alone in New York to fight for what I wanted to do in my life. And
• 0:21
  Anyway, that made us grow apart. But my dad, he was such a lovable, incredible, sweet man. Mm-hmm. His only fault was that he was really in love with her. And unfortunately, she didn't give that back to him. But I don't know. He just didn't know what normal was. Mm-hmm. And I think when you're surrounded by abnormal for so long, normal sticks out like a sore thumb. Mm-hmm.
• 0:21
  So when I met my husband and my friends and established my career in my life, it was extraordinary because that was all normal and it would stood out to me as something very special. And so I went with that. And eventually it got to a point with my parents that we weren't really speaking at all. And it was because of my mother and my dad protected her. And then my husband sat me down.
• 0:22
  And he said that he told me that my dad called him and that he had stage four pancreatic cancer. And in that moment, yeah, it was yeah. It's a death sentence. It really is a death sentence. And in that moment, I put all of the toxic feelings aside and all that bad energy aside. And I decided in that moment to be the daughter that I wanted to be for my dad. And they were living in Dallas in Plano, Texas. And
• 0:23
  speaker-1 (07:01.11)
• 0:23
  In that moment I realized I needed to take care of my dad.
• 0:24
  And so the traveling and the coordination of doctors and the medications and the trajectory of his short life now. Yeah. I needed to help and I needed to do that because my executive functioning skills are surrounding what to do was off the charts. And my sister and my mother really didn't know what to do. So a lot of the burden fell on me.
• 0:25
  speaker-0 (07:32.12)
• 0:25
  Mm.
• 0:26
  speaker-1 (07:35.838)
• 0:26
  And I was spending an enormous amount of time, energy, and money taking care of him and helping around the house and doing all those things and navigating the toxic relationship between my sister and my mother. Okay. And I remember one day I was I broke down. I was crying to my husband, you know, just out of the stress and the emotions that came with all of this. And on top of it, I was really stressed out about the money. And he reminded me that.
• 0:27
  We're planners and of course we have this unbelievable job of painting a picture for people twenty, thirty years from now, where people can't even visualize it. And but we see the train leaving the station and we can see the train crashing. Like we see it. And so there are products out there that solve for these issues where the money has to come in and where money comes in, and that's the thing about money. It's just a thing.
• 0:28
  But holy cow, what that thing controls emotions, feelings, trajectory, generational trauma, all of these things that money can do. And but the one thing that money can do is remove all of that stress. So that what you're left with is just focusing on what really matters is your family and love and loving someone.
• 0:29
  So during that time, I realized, you know, we purchased life insurance for my dad. We purchased disability insurance for my dad, long-term care insurance, all of these things that we knew he would need. But he couldn't afford to pay all these things. In fact, he said, You're my long-term care. And I'm like, No, I'm not. I am not your long-term care. I am here to take care of you better and longer. But he looked at me.
• 0:30
  speaker-0 (09:20.086)
• 0:30
  Yeah.
• 0:31
  speaker-1 (09:34.208)
• 0:31
  My family looked at me like I was miss money bags, like I was the one that that was gonna pay for everything. And so when I shifted that responsibility to the insurance carriers, other people's money is way better than my own. Take care of all these things. And so when my husband reminded me of everything that we had put in place.
• 0:32
  speaker-0 (09:49.259)
• 0:32
  Yeah.
• 0:33
  speaker-0 (09:57.816)
• 0:33
  Yeah.
• 0:34
  speaker-1 (09:58.53)
• 0:34
  I don't know, man. I experience a lot of things with my clients, but this is the one thing that I was just like, this is how it feels. This is how it feels. You know, you talk about it, you share, but to experience it is a whole different ball of wax. And in that moment, I realized what my superpowers were, that I have, I have the answers to a lot of problems that I can solve.
• 0:35
  speaker-0 (10:09.634)
• 0:35
  Yeah.
• 0:36
  speaker-1 (10:28.758)
• 0:36
  And I did that with my own family. So I really like it was just when you experience something and you're sitting in it and you're tasting it and smelling it and feeling it and that is a whole different thing than just explaining it to someone.
• 0:37
  speaker-0 (10:44.664)
• 0:37
  Yeah. Yeah, a hundred percent. And having all those levels, the physical, the needing to be there, the travel, the needing to organize, the needing, you know, just making sure safety is assured, among other things, just all the levels of it. And then on top of that, wondering how are we gonna pay for this?
• 0:38
  speaker-1 (11:06.626)
• 0:38
  Yeah. It's really out of control, unbelievably unnerving, stressful. Yeah. And I felt all of those things. And so now when I speak to my clients and people who I'm speaking with about this is what you need to think about. It might not be happening right now. But you have got to plan because if you don't plan, it is an absolute train wreck. And
• 0:39
  speaker-0 (11:34.146)
• 0:39
  Yeah.
• 0:40
  speaker-1 (11:35.608)
• 0:40
  Who's left to deal with it? The kids.
• 0:41
  speaker-0 (11:38.668)
• 0:41
  Yeah. Yes. I think a lot of women here plan for the end and they flinch. I think it feels maybe to them like it's morbid and you're inviting it. But you argue the opposite, that facing it buys you what you need, which is a girl after my own heart. Make the case for that.
• 0:42
  speaker-1 (11:57.57)
• 0:42
  Well, I believe in being a buffalo, not a cow. You know the story of the buffalo and the cow?
• 0:43
  speaker-0 (12:02.102)
• 0:43
  I do, but my audience might not. Tell me, tell me.
• 0:44
  speaker-1 (12:05.538)
• 0:44
  There's a place in Montana where they migrate together and scientists were curious about how they reacted when they see a storm. And if you know anything about cows, they run very slowly. So when the cows see a storm coming over the horizon, they run away from the storm. And because they run so slowly, that storm eventually catches up to them and they're like in it for a long period of time and their pain and suffering is extended. Buffaloes, on the other hand, when they see a storm coming over the horizon, they run towards it.
• 0:45
  And because they run towards it, they run through it, and their pain and suffering is cut short. And it's a metaphor for life. Right? It is such a metaphor because there are so many times where people are afraid to speak up. They're nervous about a situation. They want to run away from conflict. But I believe in the opposite. I think conflict you face head on. Head on. It's the only way I know how to
• 0:46
  speaker-0 (12:41.966)
• 0:46
  Mm-hmm.
• 0:47
  speaker-0 (12:58.658)
• 0:47
  Yeah.
• 0:48
  speaker-1 (13:02.552)
• 0:48
  face conflict is head on because I'm gonna run through it so that my pain and suffering is so much shorter than than the toxic feelings that I would hold in otherwise. So I was a buffalo in all of these scenarios.
• 0:49
  speaker-0 (13:18.616)
• 0:49
  Well, I'm proud of you, by the way.
• 0:50
  speaker-1 (13:20.906)
• 0:50
  Thank you. Thank you. I do believe in facing facing fear and facing adversity and facing conflict. I believe very strongly in facing that. Because you get through it so much faster and you're on the other side and you're so you feel so much better and you're
• 0:51
  speaker-0 (13:39.242)
• 0:51
  Yeah. You get the relief faster. But
• 0:52
  speaker-1 (13:42.316)
• 0:52
  Yeah, so I would say to your audience, be a buffalo, not a cow.
• 0:53
  speaker-0 (13:46.934)
• 0:53
  I love that. I love that. Just be willing to look at it now. And you know, the other thing is that piece, if you're willing to kind of look at the financial piece before you're in the hot mess, it's so much easier to think. You know, the parts of your brain that can be creative or, you know, think think more broadly are engaged when you're not in deep stress.
• 0:54
  you wait until the gas pedal is down, you're making very different choices than if you have the courage just to look now, what's our situation? I believe over time you've seen people who were financially did well and had a a good death from a more of a financially speaking place. What do you think if you could frame for people, what do you think that buys the family in the room at the end?
• 0:55
  when you have managed what you need to manage financially.
• 0:56
  speaker-1 (14:48.704)
• 0:56
  It's so interesting. I love this topic because a lot of people avoid you mentioned, you know, it's morbid to talk about all these things. But the best time to speak about any of this is when you are healthy, happy, in love, caring for like that's when you need to speak about this because it is going to happen. You don't know how it's going to happen, but eventually you're going to die. Like everybody was going to die. And that's an inevitable thing, right? But
• 0:57
  speaker-0 (15:04.611)
• 0:57
  For your family.
• 0:58
  speaker-1 (15:19.224)
• 0:58
  How you get there, that's a whole nother ball of wax. And you don't want to leave it to your family to deal with because why would you want someone to be mad at you from the grave? Like that's just not okay. Clear all of your affairs in order because that is a sign of love.
• 0:59
  speaker-0 (15:31.982)
• 0:59
  It's not
• 1:00
  speaker-0 (15:36.268)
• 1:00
  Yes. It's a gift that you give everybody around you.
• 1:01
  speaker-1 (15:40.822)
• 1:01
  It's a sign of love, respect for your family and for their heart and how they feel about you. And when you give that gift of responsibility and and money when it's needed most, so that you take away that stress to just focus on what matters, that's extremely powerful. And no one would ever be upset with you for doing that because.
• 1:02
  The internal emotion of I want to take care of my family while I'm alive and healthy and well, people would be like, What are you talking about? You have so much time. No, we don't. We don't have a lot of time. Because what people wind up doing is they become these cows where they wait and they wait and they wait for something bad to happen and then it's too late. It's too late. You cannot
• 1:03
  speaker-0 (16:28.939)
• 1:03
  It's too late.
• 1:04
  speaker-0 (16:32.892)
• 1:04
  That ship sails at a certain point.
• 1:05
  speaker-1 (16:35.126)
• 1:05
  Responsibility is a privilege. It's a privilege to be able to buy products to protect against the inevitable or the likely or the high likelihood of something happening. You want to protect your family. It's so important because you want them only to have the feelings for you of love and responsibility and respect and appreciation and understanding and all of those things that come with being responsible.
• 1:06
  speaker-0 (16:44.792)
• 1:06
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:07
  speaker-0 (17:04.821)
• 1:07
  Yeah. You don't want them worrying about things so that they can't be present and you know, instead they're carrying your worries, especially when you can control it up front, maybe a minimal amount of discomfort just by looking at your finances. So if there's a woman listening this who's squeezed between like aging parents and her own future, which would be, I would say one hundred percent of the audience, it can all feel like too much. Where would you start?
• 1:08
  speaker-1 (17:33.966)
• 1:08
  I'm so happy you asked me this question because I was going to bring it up actually about you know, how do you bring it up? There are so many, you know, listen, we have a lot of people in their twenties. This is your defining decade, and a lot of women are choosing careers before family. And what happens with that is that you wind up starting a family in your thirties, maybe forties. And then it extends the lifespan.
• 1:09
  If you think about it, your parents are going to be in their eighties by the time the kids are young and you're in the thick of it and you're in the sandwich. You are now in the sandwich years. So what do you do? How do you talk about it with your folks? Because it is a it's a very delicate topic, money with your family. And if you go about I used to think that if you went about it leading with love, that that would be enough. But it's actually I wanna give a part two to that.
• 1:10
  speaker-0 (18:27.502)
• 1:10
  Yeah.
• 1:11
  speaker-1 (18:28.194)
• 1:11
  Because what I'm realizing now is you can't just say, But I love you and I want to take care of you and I want to take care of you better and longer and let me do this and d No. Any parent will say, No, because they want their independence. Mm-hmm. And that's exactly independence is a massive thing for the aging population. And we are headed into an epidemic where people are living longer. They're not preparing financially for how long they're going to live. They're not preparing for
• 1:12
  speaker-0 (18:42.339)
• 1:12
  Yeah.
• 1:13
  speaker-1 (18:55.244)
• 1:13
  The systematic risk that's out there, taxes, inflation, market risk, all of those things. And longevity is now a part of that risk. That is a new systematic risk. Is aging. So the way to have the conversation I feel now is we're now focusing on financial planning and looking to see, you know.
• 1:14
  speaker-0 (19:03.02)
• 1:14
  Yeah.
• 1:15
  Yeah.
• 1:16
  speaker-1 (19:18.124)
• 1:16
  Buying insurance and savings and and investments. And I'm just curious, have you done anything? Like, what have you done? Can you help me figure that out? And if you approach it that way, they're gonna be like, let me tell you what I did. If you approach it where you make them the teacher, not you.
• 1:17
  speaker-0 (19:29.27)
• 1:17
  Yeah.
• 1:18
  speaker-0 (19:38.038)
• 1:18
  It's
• 1:19
  speaker-1 (19:39.687)
• 1:19
  It just turns the whole conversation around and I think it opens up a dialogue that's safe for everybody. And I think it's really important to have that dialogue.
• 1:20
  speaker-0 (19:48.62)
• 1:20
  Yeah. You know what? Even if they their response is something along the lines of, we don't want to talk about that, we don't think about that, don't worry that sort of a direction, at least you know what you've got going on. You know what you're gonna be dealing with at that point. Right. What if you have parents who have done little to no planning, are you know, our parents are the generation you don't talk about it, ostrich it.
• 1:21
  Perhaps what would you share with that woman who's in that sort of a situation?
• 1:22
  speaker-1 (20:22.732)
• 1:22
  I love that you asked that too. Lead by example. Set the tone. Do what you know is right. And people will tend to follow. So I would absolutely say lead by example. This I'm thinking about this. I need to think about, you know, twenty, thirty years from now, what is going to happen? Where am I going to live? Am I going to age in place? Do I have enough money? Do I you know, all of those things. Because what happens as life goes on, children grow up, they marry, they have their own families.
• 1:23
  They move away. They have their own lives. And so the conversation of where do you want to age? Where do you want to be? That's a huge conversation to have. And it's approachable. It is approachable. It's, hey, I love being with you. I want to make sure that my kids get to know you and have a relationship with you. And, you know, I I want to make sure that we have this close relationship. Can we talk about that? Yeah. That's a different angle in.
• 1:24
  speaker-0 (20:58.038)
• 1:24
  Mm.
• 1:25
  speaker-0 (21:03.278)
• 1:25
  Yeah.
• 1:26
  speaker-0 (21:16.938)
• 1:26
  Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's a way different angle. And you know, it is tough because we do live in a more mobile society and folks not living necessarily very near family is more common. I have a number of friends who have at this point it's the mom who is, you know, beginning to need support or help and they want to bring her to where they are, but she doesn't have any emotional
• 1:27
  social, even her medical support is all where she lives. And that becomes a dance of if I move you to where you don't know anybody, now your mental health is, you know, and I can't just be responsible for you yet. There's a lot to this that we didn't think about up front, you know.
• 1:28
  speaker-1 (22:08.524)
• 1:28
  Yeah, that's why it's important up front to have these loving, respectful, understanding, appreciative conversations. Openly, honestly, lovingly. Because if you wait until excuse my language, shit hits the fan, there's too much emotion. There's too much going on. Revocable at that point.
• 1:29
  speaker-0 (22:16.706)
• 1:29
  Yeah.
• 1:30
  speaker-0 (22:24.747)
• 1:30
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:31
  speaker-0 (22:28.574)
• 1:31
  You're flooded.
• 1:32
  Yeah. Yeah. And sadly I think that there's a certain amount of folks experience damage of their primary relationships because of what happened when it hit the fan. You know, there can be a lot of of hurt and resentment. Right. And and now you're in a compressed time zone because we're talking elderly, you know, and I loved what you said. We have a hundred percent mortality rate on Earth. So
• 1:33
  speaker-1 (22:48.59)
• 1:33
  They they
• 1:34
  speaker-0 (23:01.632)
• 1:34
  It behooves all of us to do the work of, you know, what do I want? You know, what are good strategies for me and how I'm gonna take care of it? And not only to talk about it with your parents, but to be clear about it with the next generation, with your kids.
• 1:35
  speaker-1 (23:16.864)
• 1:35
  my god. The generational knowledge is so important because there is generational trauma all the time. And you want to break that chain. Mm-hmm. The name of the game is Breaking the Chain. Yeah. That actually rhymes.
• 1:36
  speaker-0 (23:23.842)
• 1:36
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:37
  speaker-0 (23:32.894)
• 1:37
  But if you need the t shirt, Abbe.
• 1:38
  speaker-1 (23:36.92)
• 1:38
  What's that? But you but but if we know better, how do we not break the chain? How do we not want something better for ourselves and our children? Yeah, you want something less painful, more loving, smooth, you know, coming at it with grace and love and warmth. Like that's what you want. Versus the opposite, coming at it with toxicity and anger and no, that's not good.
• 1:39
  speaker-0 (23:48.682)
• 1:39
  Yeah.
• 1:40
  speaker-1 (24:06.304)
• 1:40
  Not good. So I would say be the buffalo, head right into the storm, gain your tools. If you're scared, it's okay. Scared means you're ready. It's just a conversation you're having with yourself. Great. It means you're ready. If you're afraid, that feeling of fear, it is scary, but it's a trigger in your mind to say, okay, this is right. I'm ready for that. Yeah, just move.
• 1:41
  speaker-0 (24:21.41)
• 1:41
  Yeah.
• 1:42
  speaker-0 (24:29.614)
• 1:42
  Move. Yeah. So many women are afraid of money and finance in future. I get flooded sometimes at that point because for me, I'm lucky I have a husband who's that's his thing. But not everybody has that. So if a woman is listening to this right now and she's like, Okay, I know she's right, I know she's right, but I don't even know where to start, where would you start?
• 1:43
  If you have maybe you have a four hundred one K or whatever going, but you really don't know beyond that, what do you recommend?
• 1:44
  speaker-1 (25:02.456)
• 1:44
  To decide
• 1:45
  speaker-1 (25:06.35)
• 1:45
  Decide. People think about what they need to do all the time. But people have a very hard time deciding. And so I would say, decide. And then map out how to get there and who you need to bring along to help you. Because at the end of the day, you're good at certain things and you're also really bad at certain things. And you need to know what you're really good at and what you're really bad at. And whatever you're really bad at, get some help.
• 1:46
  speaker-0 (25:14.934)
• 1:46
  Mm.
• 1:47
  speaker-0 (25:35.938)
• 1:47
  Yeah so
• 1:48
  speaker-1 (25:36.59)
• 1:48
  Because it's there. There's no shame in asking for help. None. In fact it's a sign of strength.
• 1:49
  speaker-0 (25:44.246)
• 1:49
  Yes, yes, I just told that to somebody yesterday. Yes, it actually is to look around, but I love what you said, because it's one thing to say, I need to do something, but the decide point, which I would argue fits into the whole understanding that spirit, God meets us at the point of action. That a decide is an action. I'm going to be a woman who figures this out.
• 1:50
  And then align yourself with that. Because then that leaves you open to say, I don't know who to talk to. Well, do you have AI? Start there. Do you have an ant that you think takes care of things well? Do you already have a financial, you know, whatever? Daughters.org is a great place to start if you're looking for caregiving support. But use your lifelines, decide. And then once you decide,
• 1:51
  Now you know you need a plan and you can begin to look at your lifelines and get creative about that.
• 1:52
  speaker-1 (26:47.744)
• 1:52
  And I would say that also this one day at a time. One day at a time. Don't think about don't go to A to Z so fast in your mind because it's analys what is it? Paralysis by analysis. I mean you just get overwhelmed and scared and it's just one day at a time. What can I do today that makes the difference? And then just get through that day. Yeah. And then decide the next day. What are you gonna get through? And believe it or not
• 1:53
  speaker-0 (27:01.463)
• 1:53
  Yes, yeah.
• 1:54
  speaker-1 (27:17.486)
• 1:54
  By the time the year ends up, you'd be amazed at what you've done. Yes. So I would say a lot of people are afraid because they're hesitant of the action that it takes to get to the other side, but they're failing to break it into daily goals. And the daily goals are what makes the move. You know, when a baby starts to walk, think about it like a little toddler that's starting to walk.
• 1:55
  speaker-0 (27:21.55)
• 1:55
  How far you've gotten.
• 1:56
  speaker-0 (27:35.022)
• 1:56
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:57
  speaker-1 (27:44.354)
• 1:57
  They bump into things, they fall down, they're not afraid, they just keep going. But life life can knock you down, right? But you gotta and you gotta take that next step.
• 1:58
  speaker-0 (27:53.613)
• 1:58
  Gonna.
• 1:59
  Yeah. You know, Lego size choices, I swear to you, they stack. And after a while, you got something you didn't you're just Okay, now I've got something going here. I'm ready. Well good. Good. So this week, so you think the first thing that a woman who's realizing, wow, I'm not where I want to be because you also made another point that's really important. Longevity is
• 2:00
  is very different for our generation. You're already seeing it in our parents, but it's going to be even more different for us because we will absolutely live longer and probably healthier into that. So what do you need to take care of yourself at that point? And I have people say to me, I can't afford that. And I often think you can't afford not to. You're going to be there anyway. The Hail Mary Pass is
• 2:01
  Super risky at this point.
• 2:02
  speaker-1 (28:56.214)
• 2:02
  When people say, I can't afford it, I think that's a knee-jerk response to not doing the work. In other words, they're so used to the way things are, they haven't really dove deep into their cash flow, their inflows and outflows of how they're living, lifestyle, creep, all of those things. And they'll just decide in that moment because it's work or they don't want to change.
• 2:03
  Or they don't want to dive into the reality of how much they're spending and not saving or the lifestyle creep that gets in. And I think it needs to be where, all right, what are my inflows and outflows? I know I need to plan for certain things. The first order of business is to plan for the inevitable because then everything that you're doing just it kind of comes to like without you, it doesn't exist, right? Like in your ability to get up and do what you're doing every day, if that doesn't happen.
• 2:04
  That's it. You're done. So it's really important to, you know, protect those things that could really hinder the money coming in, the workflow that's coming in. So I would say income protection, disability insurance is extremely important for people in their working years because your paycheck is your most valuable asset. For sure. For sure. It's it's everything that you're doing in your life rests upon that money coming in. And so how are you budgeting that money?
• 2:05
  People get into these habits. They don't think that they're habits. They just think it's the way I do my life. But it's okay to look at where you are on a yearly basis, quarterly basis, semi-annual basis, whatever it is, look where you are and where you want to be and strategize what are the little steps that need for me to get to that. And when someone says I can't afford something, you're right, you can't afford not to. But you what you're not doing is you're not figuring out how you can afford it. You're just stuck in this.
• 2:06
  spending method that's not really working. And if you say, I cannot afford that, that is a sign that you need to pivot and reexamine exactly what you're spending. Because maybe that $10 coffee at the Starbucks is not something you should be spending. Maybe you're saving that $10 instead towards something that's really important, like disability insurance or long term care insurance, because these are the things that will affect your family, your children, your legacy.
• 2:07
  speaker-0 (31:18.326)
• 2:07
  And it's not sexy and it's not fun. Not sexy. But who cares?
• 2:08
  speaker-1 (31:22.52)
• 2:08
  You know what is sexy? Do you know what is sexy? What? Checking off that box and realizing you did it. Did it that feels good. And when you because when you're saving money and you see the balance growing, that feels good. It's like, you know, instead of shopping for clothes, shop for stocks, shop for b you know funds. You can shop. You just have change the brain to think instead of consuming
• 2:09
  speaker-0 (31:29.098)
• 2:09
  Yeah. Handle this.
• 2:10
  speaker-0 (31:38.786)
• 2:10
  Yeah.
• 2:11
  speaker-1 (31:50.222)
• 2:11
  How do I save and how do I leverage what I have and how do I build my wealth and how do I build my protection? And all of those things that really, really, truly matter. And so I think at the end of the day, I'll bring it back to decide and then start one thing at a time and move towards that goal.
• 2:12
  speaker-0 (32:10.156)
• 2:12
  You know, I am not a budget girl. As a matter of fact, my husband has said to me many times, don't do math in your head. Someone could get hurt, which is his joke. I can do math fine, thank you. But budgeting and stuff, I don't know how many times got tumed over, got tumed over, finally realized the key here was to go to somebody. I don't understand these things, but there are people that went to school to learn this. So
• 2:13
  Why don't I use my lifeline? Why don't I find somebody and at least have a conversation about here's my situation, what do you see? What do you know that I don't know that you could help me? Use other people's wisdom, you know, banks to help you. You don't have to, you don't have to know how to budget this entirely or exactly what you need up front. You need to find the person who does.
• 2:14
  speaker-1 (33:08.748)
• 2:14
  Yes. Yes. And back to my point. If there's there's no shame in asking for help. If you're someone that can't stand to do it and you feel totally overwhelmed, call a financial planner. Hire the financial planner. Make sure that the chemistry between the two of you is such that you want the relationship to last a long, long time because the accumulation phase of your life is a very long time. And then you get into the distribution phase of your life where you're taking money out.
• 2:15
  And it's really important to make sure that your assets are located in the right place to take money out. Ask around, see if somebody's using someone that they like. The chemistry between the two of you is very important. The person that you hire needs to really understand you, understand your strengths, your weaknesses. It's almost like a life coach in a way, a financial planner is really because I think finances are very emotional and very psychological and very, you know, how did you how were you raised with money? How did your
• 2:16
  speaker-0 (33:52.6)
• 2:16
  Uh-huh.
• 2:17
  speaker-1 (34:06.518)
• 2:17
  You know, what is it about money that's important to you? All of these things are extremely important when you're talking to when I talk to my clients, like I want to know what money habits are. Like, how were you raised with money? What was your relationship with money growing up? Because that is very indicative to how they're going to behave in their adult life. So it's extremely important. And I'm gonna make this shout out to your listeners now who are raising young children, talk about finances in front of them.
• 2:18
  Talk about, you know, really like if this is not taboo, like talk about how much the water bill is. Talk about show them the water bill. Show them that when they turn the shower on and they decide to like h leave the shower on, that that's like gallons of water going down the drain and it costs money. Yeah. And so these are little tiny things that you could share with your children. Like, this is our water bill. my God, that costs that much? Yeah. So
• 2:19
  they recognize, you know, the habits that they unconsciously will adapt by experiencing yeah what that looks like and what that feels like. And I think that's really important for families to start talking about with their kids. Like for example, the electricity bill, you know, turn out the lights, turn out the lights. You're always saying to your kids, turn out the lights. They don't know why you're saying this. Right. They're just being annoying. But if they actually experience opening up a bill and looking at the water bill, they'll understand and they'll inherently
• 2:20
  In their own decision, turn off lights because they see it. So these are things that are really important. If families go on vacations, I mean, I think a f family vacation is at minimum ten thousand dollars. If you think about it, it's a lot of money. So what the kids don't realize is they don't realize what that buys, how they're gonna get there, what are they gonna do. And all these things cost money. So give the responsibility to your children. Why don't you pick out where we're gonna go? Do the research.
• 2:21
  speaker-0 (35:56.246)
• 2:21
  I love
• 2:22
  speaker-1 (36:00.674)
• 2:22
  Tell us how we're gonna get there, what we're gonna do once we're there, where we're gonna stay, where we're gonna eat. And you know what we present it to us as a presentation, present it to us. And then we did that with our kids and they loved it and we just showed up, literally just showed up. And they but what it taught them was how to communicate with each other. Yes. Taught them how to negotiate with vendors or with each other. The value of what something
• 2:23
  speaker-0 (36:11.384)
• 2:23
  That
• 2:24
  speaker-0 (36:23.342)
• 2:24
  There's great life skills in that.
• 2:25
  speaker-1 (36:27.022)
• 2:25
  costs and what you get from it. Like all of these things came into play. So start early, start do it often, talk about it. Don't be afraid to talk about it. So that when your children turn into these responsible, fiscally responsible adults, they're able to have these financial conversations with their spouses because their spouse came from a family with money. We have no idea how they treated money or how they thought about money. So these kinds of conversations are so important, especially if you're dating and
• 2:26
  You found your significant other, like you need to talk about this prior to making like the money conversations, what the relationship is with money. The relationship with money could be beautiful and could be toxic. And those are the conversations that need to be had prior to such a lifelong commitment.
• 2:27
  speaker-0 (37:00.344)
• 2:27
  Right. Yeah. Right. Yeah.
• 2:28
  speaker-0 (37:13.996)
• 2:28
  Yeah, I love that. And you also make me realize this. I didn't thought of this until you said it, how important it is. You know, we need to open conversations now. We talked about this earlier with our parents about where are you financially? What are you looking at? What do you have set up that for your care and and and how you're gonna do that? But then it's incumbent on us to have created our own situation, meaning
• 2:29
  the discussion with our kids as early on as possible. This is what you do. You begin to look at your future and you begin to think about now, I'm gonna set these things up to plan. that's a brilliant like I'm thinking to myself, we really need to start talking to our kids about thinking about the future even now for them in their twenties. yes. As a setup. Plus we're educating them on what we have going on.
• 2:30
  speaker-1 (38:11.469)
• 2:30
  Yes.
• 2:31
  speaker-0 (38:12.066)
• 2:31
  You know, so the conversation I'm trying to have with my parents automatically has been had with my children at an earlier time.
• 2:32
  speaker-1 (38:19.65)
• 2:32
  Yes. That's what I mean by breaking the chain. Decide and break the chain. Two major takeaways here is is really lead by example.
• 2:33
  speaker-0 (38:25.27)
• 2:33
  I like that.
• 2:34
  speaker-0 (38:31.622)
• 2:34
  Mm. Mm. A slightly side question I had to ask you because I love that you've talked about it. In your you wrote a piece for Kiplinger and you warned about how easily that people in cognitive decline get exploited. And I wanted to ask you what should a daughter watch for in her parents and her own self, maybe even, so that we can protect ourselves from you know from
• 2:35
  financial scams. Yeah. Yeah. I can't even tell you how many older people I know who've gotten caught in financial scams. And some of them are some of the smartest people I know.
• 2:36
  speaker-1 (39:15.98)
• 2:36
  Well, wow. It's funny. I was just doing some continue education on all of this stuff that, you know, we have to do this continue education and a lot of the topics are about this in particular. And at the end of the day, these poor people are being exploited. And it's important to develop the relationship with your children early, as I mentioned earlier, so that any money conversations that are happening, it's a natural go through.
• 2:37
  speaker-0 (39:45.482)
• 2:37
  Yes. Yes.
• 2:38
  speaker-1 (39:47.214)
• 2:38
  It's a natural go to. So and I would say this to your older population. If something doesn't feel right, it's not right. Listen to your gut, listen to your intuition, trust your intuition. And if something doesn't feel right, second guess it. It's okay to second guess something. Never click on a link that you don't know is safe. Never answer a text that it seems so emergency that it's so off balance. Call your kids and double check to make sure that things are, you know, in order because you just receive something that seems really off.
• 2:39
  And just make sure you report the scam and you just always approach any financial decision with caution and trust in the person that you're receiving it from. And if you don't know this person, remember they could be pretending to be somebody else. So it's extremely important to double check, to actually speak to the person that you know that sent it to you or or you think sent it to you. It's extremely important in this day and age to double check everything because you
• 2:40
  information out, constantly change your passcodes, don't make them the same. These are all tools that older folks are not learning because they're not taking the continued education courses and they don't know. Right. It's really, really important. There are a lot of really bad people out there and don't trust anyone.
• 2:41
  speaker-0 (41:07.532)
• 2:41
  Yeah. I have a friend who got an inheritance and I think the deal was and then how the scammers got word, we don't know. But they contacted her and said they were the bank. They sent her an email, said they were the bank and said that they needed to do something about that account and move something. She ends up giving them the account number and the password. They stole fifty six thousand dollars.
• 2:42
  No, no, no, no, no. Yeah. And the other I also have a friend. The scam this was one of the smartest men I've ever known. But he was older. You get the phone call. This is your grandson, and I got arrested. I don't want to tell mom and dad. Can you just help me? Can you wire me money? Five thousand dollars later, you know, and with the AI being able to copy voices now.
• 2:43
  We're at particular risk for that. So maybe having a family safe word is important.
• 2:44
  speaker-1 (42:08.27)
• 2:44
  Family safe word is very important and I would absolutely I'm so glad you just said that. Yeah. People are being imitated and these poor older folks, they don't understand. They were not raised with AI and all of these things. So they don't even think about it. So I do think that it's worth educating older folks. And I think that those let me tell you something. All the
• 2:45
  All of the nursing homes and the facilities that are out there where, you know, independent living communities, whatever, senior living communities, all of these people should have people that come and speak to their elderly population to say, This is what's going on. These are the scams that are out there. This is what you need to be aware of. There needs to be an education to the older generation. I don't know if that's happening. I don't think that's happening.
• 2:46
  speaker-0 (42:52.354)
• 2:46
  You know, not certainly not to the degree we wouldn't be as successful as it was if if it was well. But you know, that's another thing.
• 2:47
  speaker-1 (42:59.47)
• 2:47
  People not knowing, they're just taking advantage of the oblivious, I should say.
• 2:48
  speaker-0 (43:06.142)
• 2:48
  But the combo of that and the cognitive decline. I cannot tell you how many people said my mom or my dad ended up buying something online. one of my friends, her dad started a dementia journey and bought a new a second truck and he already had a new one. And she went back in and she said, Let me understand this. You sold this very old man a second truck, and you think I'm gonna believe that you didn't understand that was a problem?
• 2:49
  They took the truck back. You know? So we have to be careful, you know, maybe have the conversation to be proactive about it. Be aware that they are vulnerable in a way that they were not before.
• 2:50
  speaker-1 (43:44.535)
• 2:50
  Otzan.
• 2:51
  speaker-1 (43:48.854)
• 2:51
  No, they weren't before. And I think this is a responsibility of of our generation to educate our parents on what's going on. Hey, this is what's going on. I know you weren't raised like this and you didn't understand the technology and the artificial intelligence that's out there, but this is what's going on and you have to be very, very careful. So it's I think it's up to us to educate our parents on what's happening and to be very, very careful about all of these, you know, requests for account information and clicks in on the links and this, that and so forth. That
• 2:52
  I think it's up to our generation to educate the older generation on what's going on. And if you're not, you're opening yourself up to some massive problems.
• 2:53
  speaker-0 (44:29.313)
• 2:53
  You're gonna have enough problems already.
• 2:54
  speaker-1 (44:31.438)
• 2:54
  It's all about communication at the end of the day. Educate people on what's happening in the world. And that means educating your parents on the scammers and the fishing and the all this other horrible things that being taken advantage of because they don't know. That's just not okay.
• 2:55
  speaker-0 (44:49.154)
• 2:55
  Yeah, you just think how far it's evolved since we got a fax that said I am an upper level African minister and I've had to hide money and I'm wondering if you can remember those. We used to always get those on the fax machine that would come through. And you know, you could smell that. I'm a mile off. The level and the sophistication now is dramatically different and I think you've nailed it beautifully.
• 2:56
  We have to talk about it and we have to care enough to have conversation with our folks. My mom knows don't click it till you've asked me. Screenshot it if you need. She lives in a different state. Send it to me and you know, then we can make sure ca because you want to protect them, you know.
• 2:57
  speaker-1 (45:34.604)
• 2:57
  Yeah. There's ways to approach that though where your parents are not on the defensive. But you don't want to make them feel stupid.
• 2:58
  speaker-0 (45:43.052)
• 2:58
  Right, because they're not.
• 2:59
  speaker-1 (45:44.846)
• 2:59
  But but ego gets in the way. so it's really important to recognize that and go Yeah, you need to role play it a little bit, you know? Role play how you're gonna enter that conversation. It's not that's what I would I would suggest.
• 3:00
  speaker-0 (45:57.966)
• 3:00
  Mm.
• 3:01
  speaker-0 (46:01.71)
• 3:01
  Role play. That a great tip. Bring role play in. Decide you know, who you want to be or what you want to do. Consider that you have lifelines. Role play things to get to where you need to have good communic these are great tips for women in our, you know, age range for Gen X and Jen Jones women. I think I super appreciate so much of what you're sharing. And I
• 3:02
  I love that you chose to be open and honest about the complexities of your family relationship because I guaranteeing to you that your story resonated with far more people than you than you can imagine. I'm kind of wondering and I I'll close with this, but I'm kind of wondering if you could go back and talk to that young woman right there, knowing what you know now, what would you tell her?
• 3:03
  That might help her feel a little bit better. What do you know now? Huh.
• 3:04
  speaker-1 (47:02.37)
• 3:04
  You got this? You planned for it?
• 3:05
  Now just be in the moment and enjoy the time you have left.
• 3:06
  speaker-0 (47:11.31)
• 3:06
  Mm, mm.
• 3:07
  speaker-1 (47:13.772)
• 3:07
  And that's what I did. I enjoyed every second I had with my dad. It was beautiful three months. We listened to classic rock. We watched together. I massaged him. I helped him. We talked. We laughed.
• 3:08
  speaker-0 (47:15.394)
• 3:08
  Yeah.
• 3:09
  Mm.
• 3:10
  Mm.
• 3:11
  speaker-0 (47:31.8)
• 3:11
  Yeah right.
• 3:12
  speaker-1 (47:34.754)
• 3:12
  Yeah. It was it was three months of my time with him, knowing I didn't need to worry about the money. And if I said to myself in that moment, if s I would say, You did the planning, now just enjoy your dad.
• 3:13
  speaker-0 (47:36.546)
• 3:13
  Time.
• 3:14
  speaker-0 (47:50.206)
• 3:14
  Beautiful. But that's why we plan, so that we can be practical.
• 3:15
  speaker-1 (47:54.862)
• 3:15
  That's exactly why you plan to remove the money conversation and all the toxic feelings that come from that so that you can just focus on what really matters. Love and family.
• 3:16
  speaker-0 (48:07.416)
• 3:16
  Because it sounds as I listen to you and in particular 'cause I'm a death doula, so as I'm listening to you, I'm thinking she what those three months with him, while they were difficult, it sounds to me like they have become treasure in your own.
• 3:17
  speaker-1 (48:25.368)
• 3:17
  Beautiful. Thank you. Yes. It's treasure in my heart. It is absolute treasure in my heart. I'll never forget those three months and what I did to make sure he was okay.
• 3:18
  speaker-0 (48:29.08)
• 3:18
  To you.
• 3:19
  speaker-0 (48:36.878)
• 3:19
  Yeah. Yeah. And who you became that you could do that. This is the most beautiful illustration of so many things that I'm trying to get women to understand. And you lived it and you were willing to share it. And I I know that you do really great work because you've been, you know, you have many accolades and great success in your financial advising career. And I I find myself so envious of the people that work with you.
• 3:20
  For what a gift they have. And I just want you to know, Abbe Large, out there in the world, I'm rooting for you. You are bringing wisdom and goodness into an area that people don't even think of and using your gifts in this cool way to serve. And thank you. Thank you for being you.
• 3:21
  speaker-1 (49:25.016)
• 3:21
  Thank you to me. Thank you so much. I don't know, man. I just wake up and I just go for it every day. Version of myself every day.
• 3:22
  speaker-0 (49:33.492)
• 3:22
  I love that. Better Yeah. Yeah. And you know what? The women that are listening to this podcast, that's exactly where we come from. And by listening to each other's stories, we are doing what women have done for thousands of years. We're passing our wisdom one to another. And that's what you've done today for all of us that have had the need to listen. If folks want to reach you.
• 3:23
  speaker-1 (49:56.083)
• 3:23
  Thank you so much for
• 3:24
  speaker-0 (50:02.742)
• 3:24
  What's a good way to find you?
• 3:25
  speaker-1 (50:05.314)
• 3:25
  The best way to reach me is through my work email, alarge at Lenoxadvisors.com. And that's with one N. It's L E N O X A D V I S O R S. Lennox Advisors. And just send me an email. I would love to work with anyone. I I just my whole I just want to put people in a better place financially, emotionally, with their relationships, with their parents and their siblings and their loved ones. It's just
• 3:26
  speaker-0 (50:17.417)
• 3:26
  Stop.
• 3:27
  speaker-1 (50:33.868)
• 3:27
  Finances is a big topic and yeah, it doesn't need to be a painful topic. And I love getting under the hood with people and helping them and it's my why. My dad the experience with my dad became my why.
• 3:28
  speaker-0 (50:47.219)
• 3:28
  get yourself an Abbe, that's what I have to say about that. Can they also find you on LinkedIn?
• 3:29
  speaker-1 (50:53.324)
• 3:29
  Yes, they can find me on LinkedIn, they could send me a message.
• 3:30
  speaker-0 (50:57.196)
• 3:30
  And I will put all this information in the show notes as well so that folks can contact you. She's a gem and if you've been listening, you know that. So thank you very much.
• 3:31
  speaker-1 (51:06.998)
• 3:31
  Yeah. Thank you.
• 3:32
  speaker-0 (51:11.51)
• 3:32
  I'm so grateful you listened to this episode. I hope it was a real value to you. If there's a sister in your life who needs this message, please share it. Just like women have done to lift each other up over the centuries and across cultures. Women lifting each other is so important. It's why I do this work. And to avoid FOMO and keep up leveling your own life, make sure you don't miss the next episode.
• 3:33
  You may be losing hormones, but your life has given you powerful perspective. And I believe you have something to give that no one else does, that the world needs. So remember, I'm rooting for you. Let's go.