Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / How to Handle Dating in the Tween Years [a Listener Q&A]

Transcript

How to Handle Dating in the Tween Years [a Listener Q&A] · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hello, this is the Happy Families podcast. Oh boy, have
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: we got a doozy for you? Today? Your twelve year
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: old comes home year seven, turns out he's got a girlfriend,
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  Speaker 1: or at least something like a girlfriend. There's handholding at lunch.
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: There's a whole lot of I love you, I love
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  Speaker 1: you two in the text messages, which you know because
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: you're reading them. Today's listener wants to know how to
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: manage her son's first major romance so that it doesn't
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: derail his schooling. I can't wait to get into this
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: juicy one. It's next on The Happy Family's podcast. Hello,
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: Welcome to The Happy Family's podcast, Real Parenting Solutions every
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: single day. It's Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast, where Justin
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  Speaker 1: and Kylie Colson, parents of six kids, who have put
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: us through the romantic relationship stuff so many times. In fact,
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: with two single kids aged what are they eighteen and
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  Speaker 1: twenty two or something like that, we're living it. But
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  Speaker 1: at the other end, at the very very serious end,
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  Speaker 1: twelve years old does start there, and today's question is
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  Speaker 1: a tricky one about how to handle it. Oh, by
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  Speaker 1: the way, before I play you the audio of this question,
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  Speaker 1: that came in from jen. You can send your tricky
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: questions to podcasts at happy families dot com. Do you
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: just record a voice note and shoot it through Otherwise
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: on our website, happy families dot com, there's this super
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: simple system where you just click the button and start talking.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: It records it and sends it to us. We'd love
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  Speaker 1: to hear from you. Jennifer's question sounds like this, Hi,
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  Speaker 1: I have.
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  Speaker 2: A twelve year old son who attends Christian co ed school.
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  Speaker 2: In year seven. He's wanting to date this girl in
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  Speaker 2: year seven, or they may already be dating, because I
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  Speaker 2: do check their text messages just to make sure he's
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  Speaker 2: not saying inappropriate things. And there's a lot of love
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  Speaker 2: you and love you too. He hasn't hit puberty yet,
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  Speaker 2: but knowing that boys mature later, the girl is more forward.
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  Speaker 2: She was the one who told him that she likes
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  Speaker 2: him last year in grade six. I talked to other
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: mums about it. They said, there's nothing you can do.
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: You have to just just let them. It's better if
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  Speaker 2: he tells you things, which he does, rather than going
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  Speaker 2: behind your back. I'm wanting to know how to manage
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  Speaker 2: this because he doesn't have very good self control, and
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  Speaker 2: I want him to focus on school, but it's distractions
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  Speaker 2: every day he's going to school, thank you.
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  Speaker 1: And I can't help but seeing lovers in the air
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  Speaker 1: everywhere I look around. Okay, so Kylie romance at school.
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  Speaker 1: A couple of things. First off, how good is it
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  Speaker 1: that Jen's twelve year old son is coming home and saying, hey, Mum,
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  Speaker 1: here's where I'm at. Right? Like that communication so valuable.
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  Speaker 1: We've talked about this on the doctor's desk before, but
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  Speaker 1: I want to remind you really important study that was
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  Speaker 1: done a number of years ago now from a couple
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  Speaker 1: of researchers Statn and Kerr who found that when it
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  Speaker 1: comes to parental monitoring not that important because the kids
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  Speaker 1: just figure out how to hide stuff. What matters is
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  Speaker 1: a child disclosure to parents. And we've got a twelve
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  Speaker 1: your our boy who's happy to disclose. He's happy to
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  Speaker 1: sit down and say here's where I'm at, here's what's
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  Speaker 1: going on. So I just wanted to pick up on
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  Speaker 1: that straight away. The other thing that I really want
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  Speaker 1: to pick up on straight away is a girl who
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  Speaker 1: is expressing her interest isn't forward, it's just confidence, and
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  Speaker 1: I think that's fine. I think that's wonderful. How we
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  Speaker 1: talk about girls teaches our son how to talk about girls,
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  Speaker 1: and it sounds like, well, we don't have all the context,
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  Speaker 1: but initially I just say they like each other, and
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  Speaker 1: she's happy to say it, and I think that's wonderful.
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  Speaker 1: I like it when you tell me that you like me.
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  Speaker 3: And I guess the other thing that stands out to
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  Speaker 3: me is and I have been at fault so many
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  Speaker 3: times where the kids have come home and said something
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  Speaker 3: and I have jumped in full body, fully clothed, and
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  Speaker 3: committed to what I think it is they're asking me
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  Speaker 3: without really understanding what it is that they are asking.
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  Speaker 1: I have a PhD in psychology. I'm supposed to do better,
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  Speaker 1: but I do the same thing. We constantly talk on
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  Speaker 1: this point cast about how you need to get curious,
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  Speaker 1: not furious, and yet when you start to get worried
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  Speaker 1: about something, you don't get curious. You just go for
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  Speaker 1: command and control.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, what does dating look like to a twelve year old?
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  Speaker 1: What a great question to ask your twelve year old son.
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  Speaker 1: So if you guys are dating, what does that actually mean?
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  Speaker 1: Because I haven't seen you go on any dates? So
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  Speaker 1: what's going on here, Like, let's talk it through.
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  Speaker 3: Is there any data on this about when boys and
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  Speaker 3: girls start to kind of be interested having boyfriends and girlfriends.
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  Speaker 1: Developmental psychology research shows that around about eleven to twelve
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  Speaker 1: is when romantic interest really ramps up, So there can
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  Speaker 1: be an interest from as young as five, six seven,
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  Speaker 1: six seven, and six seven. Sorry I couldn't help at
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  Speaker 1: six seven, but it really kind of becomes a bit
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  Speaker 1: more serious and kids start to genuinely talk about proper
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  Speaker 1: boyfriend girlfriend sort of stuff from about eleven or twelve.
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  Speaker 1: That's yeah.
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  Speaker 3: So I remember my much. My first kiss on the
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  Speaker 3: cheek was the first first time a boy had kissed
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  Speaker 3: me on the cheek. I was ten.
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  Speaker 1: I'm getting a bit jealous here. I'm not, well, you
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  Speaker 1: were ten. I feel a bit weird saying that now
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  Speaker 1: I've said that night. I was fifteen when I had
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  Speaker 1: my first kiss. Fifteen, I was late Luna.
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  Speaker 3: But that was a big deal for me at ten,
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  Speaker 3: Like I knew that I liked him. He was probably
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  Speaker 3: a couple of years older than me. I don't actually
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  Speaker 3: remember he was a little bit older than me, but
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  Speaker 3: we had well, I had just found out that we
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  Speaker 3: were leaving the country. We were moving overseas and coming
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  Speaker 3: to Australia, and so it was all of a sudden,
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  Speaker 3: this big, you know, kind of lovers lost kind of thing.
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  Speaker 3: We liked each other, it was obvious, and now we
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  Speaker 3: were never gonna yeah I.
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  Speaker 1: Would yeah, yeah, of course. So kids will have crushes younger.
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  Speaker 1: My first major crush was Bobby mc minn in grade two.
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  Speaker 1: I was crazy about her. And then it was Natalie
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  Speaker 1: Green in grade three, and the list goes on. I
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  Speaker 1: had a lot of very big crushes.
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  Speaker 3: Hopefully they're not listening.
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  Speaker 1: We're never reciprocated Niagara Park Public School. If you were,
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  Speaker 1: you'll remember, okay anyway, So what we see in early adolescence,
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  Speaker 1: there's a lot of interest in romantic relationships age eleven, twelve, thirteen,
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  Speaker 1: somewhere around there. Typically, what the data suggests is that
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  Speaker 1: they are fairly brief relationships. They're more about identity and status,
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  Speaker 1: like I get to be someone's boyfriend or girlfriend, and
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  Speaker 1: that matters more than what you actually do as a
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  Speaker 1: boyfriend or a girlfriend. It's just being part of it,
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  Speaker 1: and that whole love you love you two. At twelve,
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  Speaker 1: it's social rehearsal more than it's some kind of passionate.
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  Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, we are in this hardcore relationship now.
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  Speaker 1: I'm saying that when things get scary, and there are
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  Speaker 1: some stories that I hear from time to time which
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  Speaker 1: worry me. Sometimes it's actually very very intimate and physical,
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  Speaker 1: but most of the time those are outwise. Most of
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  Speaker 1: the time it's pretty innocent sort of stuff, And I
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  Speaker 1: think that it's just really annoying as a parent because
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  Speaker 1: you want them to not do this. And our advice
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  Speaker 1: to our girls has always been, don't have a boyfriend
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  Speaker 1: until you finished high school, because then the conversations are,
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  Speaker 1: what have you noticed about all of the relationships that
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  Speaker 1: your friends have once they start getting romantically invested, what
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  Speaker 1: happens to their girlfriend relationships, what happens to the relationships
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  Speaker 1: with other guys, what happens when they break up? And
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  Speaker 1: the stories that are told. Because it's always short term,
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  Speaker 1: it doesn't usually last a long time. And our girls
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  Speaker 1: fortunately have said, oh, yeah, once a girl falls in
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  Speaker 1: love with a boy and they become an item, they
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  Speaker 1: kind of dump all of their friends and then when
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  Speaker 1: it goes south, which it almost invariably, will they come back,
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  Speaker 1: but it's never quite the same And there's just all
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  Speaker 1: this stuff going on, and then people tell stories, the
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  Speaker 1: rumors spread around the school. We've also encouraged our girls
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  Speaker 1: that if they've decided to ignore our first advice about
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  Speaker 1: not having a boyfriend at school, that they should make
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  Speaker 1: sure that if they do have a boyfriend while they're
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  Speaker 1: still at school, that he does not go to the
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  Speaker 1: same school because of the complications that arise. There's a
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  Speaker 1: couple of ideas in the second part of this podcast,
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  Speaker 1: after break, I want to talk more about how you
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  Speaker 1: can have those conversations with your son and what to
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: expect in the interactions. That's next. We're back. It's The
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: Happy Family's podcast Teen Romance. What do we do when
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  Speaker 1: the kids are only twelve or thirteen and they've got
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  Speaker 1: a crush on it, Well, they've gone beyond crush. They're
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  Speaker 1: loving each other, They love you and love you too,
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  Speaker 1: and all that sort of stuff. As parents, it just
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  Speaker 1: keeps on going, like there's always something.
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  Speaker 3: I remember when one of our girls came home, she
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  Speaker 3: was only about seven, and she told us that her
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  Speaker 3: friends were sexting. And when I asked her what that was,
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  Speaker 3: because I was absolutely panicking.
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  Speaker 1: You are ready to tackle somebody, but like, what is
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  Speaker 1: going on here?
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  Speaker 3: They're holding hands. That's what they were doing, right, they
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  Speaker 3: were holding hands.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: I think it's so important for us to get all
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  Speaker 3: the information before we kind of, you know, jump in.
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  Speaker 3: But the other thing that stood out to me in
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  Speaker 3: Jen's question was the fear and concern she has around
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  Speaker 3: this being a distraction to her son's schooling. Yeah, and
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  Speaker 3: I think that that's really important for us to kind
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  Speaker 3: of just tap into.
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  Speaker 1: Right now, my two cents worth is he's in grade seven.
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  Speaker 1: I wouldn't be too worried about it, but it is
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  Speaker 1: going to have an impact, right, Like, if he's distracted,
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  Speaker 1: he's not concentrating on school, he's not going to do
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  Speaker 1: as much learning, and the downstream effects potentially measurable. Again,
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  Speaker 1: these relationships don't usually last too long, and teachers are
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  Speaker 1: usually honored. They're going to make sure that the kids
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: are getting their work done. I just keep an eye
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: on his grades if you're worried about it. The other
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  Speaker 1: thing that I would say, and this has been a
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  Speaker 1: recurring theme in the Heavy Families podcast, is we make
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  Speaker 1: much bigger deal about our kids' school results that we
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  Speaker 1: need to.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah. I was going to push back a little bit there.
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  Speaker 3: I think it's I think that it's good for our
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  Speaker 3: kids to have dictions.
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: Right.
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  Speaker 3: If their entire focus is on grades and doing well,
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  Speaker 3: then there's no balance in their lives. And I think
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  Speaker 3: it's really important that we teach our kids that relationships
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  Speaker 3: are important, whether they're romantic ones or not. That makes
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  Speaker 3: the richness in our lives, right relate, Good relationships make
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  Speaker 3: our lives rich.
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  Speaker 1: So the conversation with this son really is what are
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  Speaker 1: you doing that's going to enrich your life? And is
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: this relationship interfering with those things? Maybe there's a couple
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: of extra curricular activities, maybe there's some stuff going on
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  Speaker 1: at school, whatever those things are, we want to make
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  Speaker 1: sure that the relationship isn't interfering, and we want to
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  Speaker 1: make sure also that it's not interfering with his friendships.
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  Speaker 1: As I said in part one of the pod, we
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  Speaker 1: often will see that once a child a young adolescent
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: becomes romantically interested in somebody else, that all of their
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: other relationships fall by the wayside. They just dump their
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: friends because they're so so in love with this other person.
• 11:00
  Speaker 3: And they become their whole world.
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: Which is really unhealthy. It's not what they need.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, So the other mum's advice, they're suggesting that there's
• 11:08
  Speaker 3: nothing Jen can do about this, that she just has
• 11:10
  Speaker 3: to let things kind of fly, and that snooping is
• 11:14
  Speaker 3: definitely going to be detrimental to her relationship with her son.
• 11:18
  Speaker 3: Is there any truth to that.
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  Speaker 1: Well, we've already covered the snooping thing. While ever, your
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: son is happy to share and disclose, that's way better
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: than you having to monitor.
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  Speaker 3: So the reality is he's not going to share everything, right,
• 11:27
  Speaker 3: he will always withhold something.
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: That's what kids have always done from data.
• 11:33
  Speaker 3: But as long as you can have an open dialogue,
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  Speaker 3: then you have influence.
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: Yep.
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: So I still stand by I don't want twelve year
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: olds dating. I don't want twelve year olds having romantic relationships.
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  Speaker 1: I want twelve year olds to be kids and just
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: enjoy what it is to be a carefree twelve year
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  Speaker 1: old without being encumbered by the demands of a relationship,
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: especially when they're not ready for it. And while it
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: might be rehearsal and it might be cute and fun,
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  Speaker 1: it's not developmentally appropriate that the relationships become something substantial.
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: And so I think as parents we have a responsibility
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: to talked about kids about keeping those relationships light and easy.
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  Speaker 1: Second thing that I would say is that the parents
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  Speaker 1: are right, those other mums are right, Like, if you
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  Speaker 1: really try to shut this thing down, it'll just go underground.
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: So the open dialogue and then the conversations about what
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  Speaker 1: it means, as we've already covered, are important. Last thing
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  Speaker 1: i'd say, I want to make sure that as a
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: mum of a son, you're talking to him about what
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: a healthy boy does. A healthy man, healthy man, healthy
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: masculinity is helping the people around you feel safer and stronger.
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: She has to always feel safe and strong with you.
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: You've got to be attentive, considerate, mindful of what's going
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: to work or not work for her, and be responsive accordingly.
• 12:42
  Speaker 3: So how would you go about having that conversation Your
• 12:44
  Speaker 3: son's come to you, he's asked you whether or not
• 12:47
  Speaker 3: he can date this girl.
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: Well, I'd say, tell me more about it and where
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: you're up to invite him into the conversation.
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  Speaker 3: So it's that whole idea of getting curious.
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  Speaker 1: Getting curious, not curious. But then the next step is
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: like for me, if it was our daughter and she
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: was anywhere between twelve and sixteen, I'd pause and say,
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: we've talked about this a lot in our family when
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: it comes to boyfriend's girlfriend's relationship sort of stuff. My
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: really strong preference, I know you don't like it, but
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: my really strong preference is that you don't date at
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: this point. You can be friends, you can spend time
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: with them, but that you don't quote unquote have a
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: boyfriend slash girlfriend relationship. And then the broader conversation about
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: healthy masculinity, about what happens when people break up, about
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: the way that they've got to maintain all of the
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: other aspects of their lives that are important to them.
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: That's kind of where I'm landing on it.
• 13:40
  Speaker 3: When I think about the most powerful conversations we've had
• 13:43
  Speaker 3: with our kids, it usually hasn't been sitting on a
• 13:45
  Speaker 3: bed or sitting across the table. It's been the conversations
• 13:48
  Speaker 3: we've had when we've gone for a walk along the
• 13:50
  Speaker 3: beach or taken the dog for a walk late at night.
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  Speaker 3: Right the opportunity to have insightful, meaningful conversations with our
• 13:58
  Speaker 3: children usually happens when you're side by side, And that's
• 14:01
  Speaker 3: probably the only other thing I would kind of gift
• 14:04
  Speaker 3: Jen right now, Well.
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: Jen We really appreciate the question, thanks for sending it through.
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: If you've got tricky questions, send them on through to
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: happy families dot com dot you. Podcasts at happy families
• 14:13
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• 14:15
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• 14:17
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• 14:20
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• 14:22
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