Transcript

#68 Songe · Heavyweight

0:15
Speaker 1: Hi. How are you, Stevie?
0:25
Speaker 2: Hi, Grandma.
0:26
Speaker 1: What have you been doing?
0:28
Speaker 2: I'm going to be hosting the second episode of this season.
0:31
Speaker 1: Oh, so let me know and I'll put it on.
0:34
Speaker 2: Have you ever had anything that you... I mean, you
0:36
Speaker 2: know the point of the show. Have you ever had
0:39
Speaker 2: anything that you want to apologize for?
0:41
Speaker 3: Oh, yeah.
0:43
Speaker 1: There are probably many things. I'm sure I've been thoughtless
0:48
Speaker 1: in many ways. You know what I say to my
0:51
Speaker 1: daughters today?
0:52
Speaker 4: I'm a b * * * *.
0:55
Speaker 3: Grandma.
0:56
Speaker 1: I don't know if I did a lot of things
0:58
Speaker 1: on purpose. Right, right, right. But then again....
1:11
Speaker 2: From Pushkin Industries, I'm Stevie Lane, and this is Heavyweight.
1:17
Speaker 2: Today's episode, Song. Right after the break.
1:35
Speaker 1: Hey, Song. Hi. How are you doing?
1:39
Speaker 3: This is Song. All right.
1:48
Speaker 1: There's going to be a lot of peripheral noises coming
1:50
Speaker 1: from me. But I guess that's part of the story, too.
1:54
Speaker 2: Actions have consequences. The world is ruled by cause and effect.
1:59
Speaker 2: So when Song tells the story of how he became
2:02
Speaker 2: the person you're hearing today, it's hard for him not
2:05
Speaker 2: to see it in karmic terms. His fate feels predetermined
2:09
Speaker 2: by something that happened one day in 1983 when he
2:12
Speaker 2: was eight years old. Song was living in Atlanta with
2:16
Speaker 2: his dad.
2:17
Speaker 1: And my father decided that he would send me to
2:21
Speaker 1: a Muslim school. And I just went for a year.
2:24
Speaker 2: Song's dad was Rastafarian and his mom Catholic. But for
2:29
Speaker 2: this one year, he attended a strict Muslim school.
2:37
Speaker 1: So, yeah, that day, the day in question, we had
2:43
Speaker 1: mosque and prayer. One of the teachers told us that
2:50
Speaker 1: there were three girls that had written a song praising Allah,
2:57
Speaker 1: praising God, and they wanted to perform it for the school.
3:02
Speaker 2: The teacher brought the three girls up, and in front
3:05
Speaker 2: of everyone, they sang.
3:06
Speaker 1: And it was a really cute song. I couldn't sing it.
3:13
Speaker 2: Could you try to sing it?
3:15
Speaker 1: Oh no, don't do that to me. The only part
3:21
Speaker 1: I remember is at the end, it went, a la
3:24
Speaker 1: whack bar, a la whack bar, repeated three times.
3:33
Speaker 2: Song and two of his friends were sitting up front,
3:35
Speaker 2: close to the girls.
3:37
Speaker 1: One of my friends noticed that one of the girls
3:41
Speaker 1: had a nervous tick, which was eye blinking, and pointed
3:46
Speaker 1: it out, and the three of us started to laugh
3:51
Speaker 1: about it.
3:52
Speaker 2: Laugh and imitate the girl's tick. A teacher caught them
3:56
Speaker 2: doing it, and after the girls were done singing, asked
3:59
Speaker 2: Song and his friends to stand up. Then, to publicly
4:03
Speaker 2: shame them for having mocked the.
4:05
Speaker 1: Girl, he made us sing the song you know, in
4:09
Speaker 1: front of the whole school and imitate her while we
4:13
Speaker 1: were singing it. Oh, my God. So, yeah, we sang
4:18
Speaker 1: the song, and we imitated her tick, and everybody laughed,
4:24
Speaker 1: and everybody laughed.
4:31
Speaker 2: I have to say, like, it strikes me as, like,
4:33
Speaker 2: a really strange punishment because it feels like it would
4:36
Speaker 2: just be doubly horrifying for her.
4:40
Speaker 1: Right. I remember looking at her and she was crying.
4:50
Speaker 1: And she was crying while we were singing it. I
4:52
Speaker 1: remember she was crying afterwards.
4:56
Speaker 2: What was going through your head?
4:58
Speaker 1: I was ashamed. I was ashamed of having laughed at her. And,
5:05
Speaker 1: of course, I felt terrible for her. I mean, that
5:08
Speaker 1: also adds to the shame. is having to watch somebody
5:11
Speaker 1: else in pain because of something that I had done.
5:20
Speaker 2: Afterwards, Song and his friends were brought to a back
5:23
Speaker 2: room where they were beaten with a large paddle.
5:26
Speaker 1: That they called the Board of Education. It had that
5:29
Speaker 1: written on the board. Wait, really?
5:31
Speaker 3: Yeah.
5:32
Speaker 1: It had holes drilled into it so that there would
5:34
Speaker 1: be less wind reduction. Oh, my God.
5:39
Speaker 2: Song's memory of the incident, though, ends there.
5:42
Speaker 1: I don't remember any more interaction with her. I wish,
5:47
Speaker 1: you know, like I don't remember her name. I just
5:53
Speaker 1: remember the situation.
5:54
Speaker 3: Yeah.
5:54
Speaker 1: And it's hard to say whether or not it would
5:57
Speaker 1: have stayed with me had not my own condition progressed
6:04
Speaker 1: in the way that it did. Okay, so... You can
6:19
Speaker 1: probably hear it a little bit, but I have Tourette's Syndrome.
6:27
Speaker 1: And it varies in severity, but I'm considered to be
6:34
Speaker 1: a pretty severe case.
6:37
Speaker 2: Song says it was right around that same time the
6:40
Speaker 2: summer after that school year in 1983, that he first
6:43
Speaker 2: started displaying signs of the disorder, signs that were eerily
6:48
Speaker 2: similar to the singing girl.
6:50
Speaker 1: The tics that I had in the beginning were mostly facial,
6:54
Speaker 1: you know, and that was like the same ones that
6:56
Speaker 1: we were laughing at that girl for. It was like
6:58
Speaker 1: eye blinking and stuff with my eyes, you know, make faces, smiling,
7:03
Speaker 1: or opening my mouth wide. Yeah. And other people around
7:12
Speaker 1: me were commenting, like, why do you keep doing that? And, oh, wow,
7:17
Speaker 1: you're doing this thing. Hey, you're doing this thing. And,
7:22
Speaker 1: you know, I would try to hide it and stuff.
7:24
Speaker 2: What does that feel like in your body?
7:26
Speaker 1: I can suppress it. It's very difficult. Anytime I'm suppressing it,
7:34
Speaker 1: I have to pay for it, you know. Like, it
7:39
Speaker 1: comes out worse afterwards. You know, it's like if you're
7:43
Speaker 1: in a staring contest with somebody and you're trying not
7:48
Speaker 1: to blink, you can feel when your eyes want to blink.
7:52
Speaker 1: But if you're not thinking about that, you're just going
7:55
Speaker 1: to blink. It just happens so quickly that you can't
7:58
Speaker 1: really stop it. Right, yeah. By the time you're aware
8:00
Speaker 1: that it's coming, it's already happening.
8:03
Speaker 2: But back then, when Song was 8, 9, 10 years old,
8:07
Speaker 2: it was all just new and confusing.
8:10
Speaker 1: Were you, like, scared?
8:11
Speaker 2: I don't know.
8:12
Speaker 1: It's funny.
8:12
Speaker 2: I remember, like, because— and I'm not equating these things, but, like,
8:18
Speaker 2: growing up, I had a lot of, like, OCD compulsive behavior.
8:23
Speaker 2: And I remember this one time doing this thing with
8:28
Speaker 2: my hands and my friend saying, like.
8:31
Speaker 1: What are you doing?
8:32
Speaker 2: And I was, like, embarrassed, but I had to do it.
8:37
Speaker 2: And I just was, like— First, I was like, what?
8:40
Speaker 2: You know, like, like, like, well, I was trying to
8:42
Speaker 2: deny the thing that, like, was happening right there. And
8:45
Speaker 2: then I was just like, I don't know. And I, like,
8:47
Speaker 2: really didn't know.
8:48
Speaker 1: Oh, wow. That's, yeah, that's, that's so similar, what you're describing, that,
8:53
Speaker 1: that compulsion. And you're not, you're not wrong in equating everybody.
8:59
Speaker 1: OCD and Tourette's are comorbid. But yeah, that's what it's like. Yeah,
9:04
Speaker 1: people would be like, why are you doing that? I'd
9:06
Speaker 1: be like, I don't know, you know.
9:09
Speaker 2: Song didn't know, and for a long time, his parents
9:12
Speaker 2: didn't know either. They thought he was just acting out.
9:16
Speaker 2: Song remembers conversations between his dad and grandmother and aunt
9:20
Speaker 2: around the kitchen table, them all talking about him and
9:22
Speaker 2: his tics as though he weren't sitting right there.
9:25
Speaker 1: My mother was a little more proactive, to put it
9:31
Speaker 1: in a positive light.
9:33
Speaker 3: Wait, wait, what do you mean?
9:35
Speaker 1: Well, she, you know, she thought that she could punish
9:39
Speaker 1: it out of me you know so like her and
9:41
Speaker 1: like my stepdad used to be like this is how
9:44
Speaker 1: much money I'm gonna spend for Christmas and every time
9:50
Speaker 1: you make one of those noises I'm gonna take five
9:53
Speaker 1: dollars off yeah yeah I remember like her recording me
9:59
Speaker 1: and playing it back and being like this is what
10:02
Speaker 1: you sound like and stuff like maybe she could embarrass
10:04
Speaker 1: it out of me I don't know it was always
10:06
Speaker 1: like the idea that I was, doing it on purpose.
10:12
Speaker 2: It wasn't until Song was 14 that he was officially diagnosed,
10:16
Speaker 2: but that didn't offer much help.
10:18
Speaker 1: They didn't know anything back then. So I've been prescribed
10:24
Speaker 1: a lot, a lot of medications. I would say that
10:28
Speaker 1: through most of my adolescence, I was pretty zonked out
10:31
Speaker 1: on antipsychotics.
10:33
Speaker 2: Most kids with Tourette's syndrome largely outgrow their tics by adulthood,
10:37
Speaker 2: but Song never did.
10:39
Speaker 1: There's a lot of things. Eye blinking, abdominal clenching, jumping.
10:44
Speaker 1: I poke myself in the eye sometimes. I grind my
10:48
Speaker 1: teeth to the point that some of them have been
10:50
Speaker 1: broken out of my mouth. Oh, my God. Yeah, I
10:53
Speaker 1: gave myself two hernias. From the age of 17 to 22,
10:58
Speaker 1: a lot of vocalizations, noises. I was biting my tongue
11:02
Speaker 1: for a while. I have a huge scar on my
11:04
Speaker 1: tongue from chewing on it. At some point in everybody's life,
11:10
Speaker 1: their body will rebel against them. And it's just sort
11:14
Speaker 1: of part of the process of living, right? You never
11:19
Speaker 1: know how it's going to go, but it's going to happen.
11:23
Speaker 1: If you're lucky, that's like in very old age. But
11:26
Speaker 1: to be aware of the weight of that, you know,
11:29
Speaker 1: in your youth, and to have to carry that around
11:31
Speaker 1: with you your whole life, it's just a nightmare.
11:36
Speaker 2: As Song got older, as it became clear that his
11:38
Speaker 2: tics were here to stay, he started asking himself, why?
11:43
Speaker 1: Why me? I had this sort of nagging suspicion that
11:49
Speaker 1: me having Tourette's was connected to me making fun of
11:53
Speaker 1: that girl. It was some sort of punishment that I
12:05
Speaker 1: was inflicted with because of what I had done to her.
12:14
Speaker 1: It's easy to imagine some supernatural connection. There were times
12:21
Speaker 1: where I thought, maybe because I did this in a
12:25
Speaker 1: house of worship, the deity is punishing me.
12:31
Speaker 2: It felt like there must be some karmic connection. It
12:34
Speaker 2: was all too uncanny. The timing of his symptoms, the
12:38
Speaker 2: similar facial tics he shared with the girl. Had you
12:41
Speaker 2: ever experienced bullying?
12:44
Speaker 3: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
12:49
Speaker 1: Like, it's constant. It goes on today, to this day.
12:52
Speaker 1: It happened on the train on the way here. What?
12:55
Speaker 3: Yeah.
12:56
Speaker 1: People making fun of me. You know, it's just, it's, yeah,
13:00
Speaker 1: it's constant. I mean, it was really bad in high school.
13:04
Speaker 1: And that was just your peers just making fun of
13:06
Speaker 1: you all the time. Teachers as well. Teachers as well? Yeah,
13:11
Speaker 1: like mocking me in class. I dropped out in 11th grade.
13:14
Speaker 1: I was pretty depressed. I just couldn't be there anymore.
13:21
Speaker 2: Of course, Song is a reasonable person, and the most
13:24
Speaker 2: rational part of him understands that his Tourette's wasn't caused
13:27
Speaker 2: by his making fun of the girl.
13:30
Speaker 3: And yet.
13:31
Speaker 1: it still hasn't stopped me from thinking about it.
13:35
Speaker 2: Yeah.
13:36
Speaker 1: For most of the time, I've really just felt like
13:38
Speaker 1: I wanted to apologize. You know, I'm regretful. I know
13:44
Speaker 1: how it feels. You know, this is the other thing.
13:48
Speaker 1: When you deal with something like that that's socially stigmatizing
13:54
Speaker 1: or isolating, any effort that you make to make yourself visible...
14:00
Speaker 1: is a victory. Like, I feel like any time I
14:03
Speaker 1: leave the house, any time I go out in public
14:06
Speaker 1: and socialize, like, I'm proud of myself. And so, you know,
14:14
Speaker 1: to do that at that age.
14:16
Speaker 2: To stand up in front of a school, you mean?
14:18
Speaker 1: Yeah.
14:19
Speaker 3: Yeah.
14:19
Speaker 1: That she got up there and did that is, you know,
14:22
Speaker 1: that's a courageous person. I also want to know that
14:32
Speaker 1: she's doing okay.
14:34
Speaker 2: Yeah, when you think about her, like, do you imagine
14:36
Speaker 2: that she has Tourette's too or no?
14:39
Speaker 1: I mean, that's the thing. You know, I'm like, I
14:41
Speaker 1: just hope that, I hope that it was just a
14:44
Speaker 1: tick and it went away when she was a kid.
14:48
Speaker 1: You know, nobody should have to go through this. That's
14:53
Speaker 1: why I was saying, I hope that she's doing okay.
14:56
Speaker 3: Yeah.
14:57
Speaker 1: I don't know. I'm just sorry. You know? I'm just sorry.
15:04
Speaker 2: It's been 40 years since the incident. 40 years since
15:08
Speaker 2: Song has seen the singing girl. He has no idea
15:11
Speaker 2: how to find her. He doesn't even know her name.
15:14
Speaker 2: Which is why he reached out to me.
15:16
Speaker 1: I mean... I just don't know where I would start.
15:25
Speaker 2: Song isn't in touch with anyone from the school anymore.
15:28
Speaker 2: He was only there the one year. He can't offer
15:31
Speaker 2: much besides the name of the school.
15:33
Speaker 1: Sister Clara Muhammad.
15:36
Speaker 2: Though Song admits to me, his lack of leads isn't
15:38
Speaker 2: the only reason he reached out.
15:40
Speaker 1: Because what would I do? Would I just like show
15:43
Speaker 1: up at somebody's door if I was able to find
15:45
Speaker 1: them and knock on the door and be like, hey,
15:47
Speaker 1: remember me from that time? Hey, I've been tracking you.
15:51
Speaker 1: I've been looking for you for 40 years. Right. That's
15:55
Speaker 1: like super scary.
15:58
Speaker 2: And so... I go searching for the singing girl.
16:02
Speaker 1: After the break.
16:19
Speaker 2: I think about the task ahead of me, finding a
16:22
Speaker 2: girl from a random school assembly 40 years ago without
16:26
Speaker 2: so much as a first name. or even a school photo.
16:30
Speaker 2: It's not a lot to go on. But though Song
16:33
Speaker 2: doesn't remember the singing girl, all I need is to
16:35
Speaker 2: find one person who does. One person who remembers the
16:39
Speaker 2: incident and can say, oh yeah, that was so-and-so. And so,
16:45
Speaker 2: I begin with the information I do have. The name
16:48
Speaker 2: of the school.
16:49
Speaker 5: Good afternoon.
16:50
Speaker 4: I'm having a great day at Muhammad School. This is Rashida.
16:51
Speaker 3: May I help you?
16:52
Speaker 2: I'm hoping the school might have class lists or yearbooks
16:56
Speaker 2: where I can find the names of Song's old classmates.
16:59
Speaker 2: But I learn they don't keep records that far back.
17:01
Speaker 2: I couldn't help you.
17:02
Speaker 4: You said 1983.
17:05
Speaker 2: As for the teachers who worked back then, most all
17:07
Speaker 2: of them have since retired. But I get the names
17:10
Speaker 2: of a few.
17:11
Speaker 6: And I give them each a call.
17:17
Speaker 2: To see if they have any memory of Song.
17:19
Speaker 5: I don't remember teaching anyone with the last name Little.
17:22
Speaker 1: He was in fourth grade?
17:25
Speaker 2: None of them do. And it turns out Song's fourth
17:28
Speaker 2: grade teacher died some years back.
17:30
Speaker 1: Why is he trying to find this girl?
17:32
Speaker 2: Can I actually tell you this story? One teacher does
17:38
Speaker 2: give me something useful. The name of one of Song's
17:41
Speaker 2: old classmates. A woman who, she says, has an amazing memory.
17:46
Speaker 2: Her name is Crystal.
17:48
Speaker 4: She would have noticed and she probably would have remembered.
17:51
Speaker 1: So she may be the best person to go to.
17:53
Speaker 2: Hello? What with all the scam callers these days, I
18:00
Speaker 2: try to sound relaxed and casual. Hi, I'm calling for Crystal.
18:05
Speaker 1: Is Crystal available?
18:06
Speaker 2: Do you know Crystal? Nailed it. Do you know Crystal?
18:11
Speaker 1: Uh, she's my mom. Oh, okay. This is not a
18:16
Speaker 1: spam call, right?
18:17
Speaker 3: No, no, no, no.
18:18
Speaker 2: Sorry, I'm a journalist. I'm a radio producer, and I'm
18:21
Speaker 2: working with an old.
18:24
Speaker 2: It's not spam, I promise.
18:27
Speaker 1: Okay, sounds good.
18:35
Speaker 5: He was different insofar as he was not Muslim when
18:38
Speaker 5: he joined our school.
18:41
Speaker 2: As promised, Crystal's memory is sharp. She remembers Song immediately.
18:45
Speaker 5: I think he might have been maybe the first non-Muslim
18:49
Speaker 5: student that I knew. And if I remember correctly, he
18:53
Speaker 5: was like light skin with curly hair.
18:55
Speaker 2: Crystal doesn't recall the incident at mosque, though. But she
18:59
Speaker 2: does provide me with the names of other students at
19:01
Speaker 2: the school.
19:02
Speaker 5: Fatima, Jamila, who else was with them? Rukia.
19:06
Speaker 2: And those students provide the names of more students.
19:09
Speaker 5: Nassim.
19:10
Speaker 1: Sakina.
19:11
Speaker 3: Malik.
19:14
Speaker 5: And those students have theories.
19:16
Speaker 2: But none of them bear out. I don't know who.
19:20
Speaker 4: He's talking about.
19:21
Speaker 5: Yeah, no, my sister didn't have a dick.
19:46
Speaker 2: After a few months, I start running out of people
19:48
Speaker 2: to call. As I'm told over and over, Clara Mohammed
19:52
Speaker 2: was a tiny school, only about 10 kids per grade,
19:55
Speaker 2: sometimes fewer. It was the sort of school where everyone
19:59
Speaker 2: knew everyone and where everyone is still in touch. Many
20:02
Speaker 2: of Song's old schoolmates now attend the same mosque. And
20:05
Speaker 2: whenever I can't find a name or number, it's always
20:08
Speaker 2: someone's cousin or close friend.
20:11
Speaker 3: I can get his number too.
20:12
Speaker 1: I was married to his sister for a minute. No, really? Yeah,
20:16
Speaker 1: so I can definitely get that number too.
20:19
Speaker 2: I get numbers, and I reach out to all of them.
20:22
Speaker 2: Group texts are texted, Facebook groups alerted, alumni chats queried.
20:26
Speaker 2: I even contact the imam of the school mosque back then.
20:31
Speaker 2: Everyone is friendly and seems to genuinely want to help.
20:34
Speaker 2: But over and over, I hear the same thing.
20:36
Speaker 5: I don't remember that incident at all. And I'm sure
20:39
Speaker 5: I was there. No, I don't remember any of that.
20:42
Speaker 5: And I've never heard it since.
20:44
Speaker 1: I don't remember it happening. None of us remember the incident.
20:48
Speaker 1: I don't recall that at all. Not at all.
20:51
Speaker 5: No, none of this sounds familiar.
20:53
Speaker 1: Unfortunately, I don't.
20:55
Speaker 3: And I don't remember who this person is.
20:57
Speaker 1: I don't remember any children having tics.
21:00
Speaker 5: I just don't know if he's going to find the
21:03
Speaker 5: person who he's looking for.
21:05
Speaker 3: I don't know.
21:08
Speaker 2: I search for over two years. No one remembers the incident.
21:13
Speaker 2: No one remembers the singing girl. I feel like by now,
21:39
Speaker 2: if it were possible to find the singing girl, I
21:42
Speaker 2: would have. So there are a few possibilities. There were
21:46
Speaker 2: two girls I learned who've died in the years since 1983.
21:50
Speaker 2: Maybe the singing girl was one of them. Or maybe
21:53
Speaker 2: she's one of the very few students I somehow haven't
21:55
Speaker 2: been able to reach. Or maybe there's something Song is misremembering.
22:01
Speaker 2: I speak with a psychologist who studies memory, and she
22:04
Speaker 2: tells me that we often distort memories in ways that
22:07
Speaker 2: help us make sense of the world. It's possible that
22:10
Speaker 2: while some parts of the memory are true, there are
22:13
Speaker 2: other parts Song invented to help explain his Tourette's.
22:17
Speaker 1: I will say.
22:18
Speaker 2: The number of people from your school that I've talked to,
22:22
Speaker 2: like the sheer list of names is so long. And
22:25
Speaker 2: I mean, I check in with Song to run through
22:28
Speaker 2: all the names I've called.
22:30
Speaker 1: Whoa, that's a lot.
22:33
Speaker 6: Whoa.
22:34
Speaker 1: And nobody remembers?
22:38
Speaker 2: Nobody remembers.
22:39
Speaker 1: Wow. That's crazy. Yeah.
22:45
Speaker 2: For years, Song has been holding this apology that he
22:48
Speaker 2: needs to express. And now, it seems, he has no
22:52
Speaker 2: one to express it to. But maybe there's still another
22:56
Speaker 2: way forward. Recently, on a long flight, I watched the
23:05
Speaker 2: movie Rental Family. It's about this industry in Japan where
23:09
Speaker 2: actors are paid to play family members or friends in
23:12
Speaker 2: real people's lives. Stand-ins, they're called. For instance, a lonely
23:17
Speaker 2: client might hire a fake friend to go to the
23:19
Speaker 2: movies with, or a widower might hire someone to play
23:23
Speaker 2: the role of his late wife so he can say
23:25
Speaker 2: to her the things he wishes he still could. It
23:29
Speaker 2: sounds like science fiction, but apparently it works. Clients know
23:33
Speaker 2: the actors aren't their real daughters or fathers, but they
23:36
Speaker 2: can still solve real issues by proxy. As wild as
23:41
Speaker 2: it sounds, I wonder if something similar might help songs.
23:45
Speaker 2: Not a professional stand-in, but an unofficial one. Maybe there's
23:49
Speaker 2: a conversation Song can have, not with a singing girl,
23:53
Speaker 2: but with a stand-in of sorts, that will allow him
23:56
Speaker 2: to move on. So I start looking around. I want
24:01
Speaker 2: someone who will get Song, appreciate his candor and dark
24:04
Speaker 2: sense of humor. I contact Tourette's advocacy groups, put out
24:09
Speaker 2: calls on social media. I speak with a number of
24:12
Speaker 2: kids with Tourette's who are all great, but not quite right.
24:16
Speaker 2: I search for nearly as long as I searched for
24:18
Speaker 2: the singing girl herself. Over a year goes by. And
24:23
Speaker 2: then I meet Chloe. Chloe is 13 years old and
24:27
Speaker 2: lives in Ireland. The first time we speak, she tells
24:31
Speaker 2: me about her newest tick, blurting out the sentence, I
24:34
Speaker 2: love cocaine. She says, it's a real problem at the airport.
24:39
Speaker 2: And in that moment, I know my search is over.
24:48
Speaker 2: When I bring the whole idea up to Song, he's skeptical.
24:52
Speaker 1: Of course he is.
24:53
Speaker 2: But I tell him more about Chloe. She's from a
24:56
Speaker 2: small village where she doesn't know anyone else like her.
24:59
Speaker 2: She's only ever met one other girl with Tourette's who
25:01
Speaker 2: lives far away, so she doesn't have many people to
25:04
Speaker 2: talk to. That's something Song understands. So Song says he's
25:10
Speaker 2: open to talking. He hopes it might be helpful for Chloe,
25:14
Speaker 2: and I hope it might be helpful for him. Both
25:17
Speaker 2: of our hopes come true, but not in the way
25:20
Speaker 2: either of us expect.
25:23
Speaker 1: Hi, Chloe. How are you?
25:25
Speaker 3: I'm good, thanks. How are you?
25:26
Speaker 1: Pretty good.
25:28
Speaker 2: On what is morning for Song and evening for Chloe,
25:32
Speaker 2: we all meet up on a video call. Chloe and
25:35
Speaker 2: Song make polite small talk at first, chatting about their hobbies.
25:39
Speaker 1: Baking spray everyone yeah i like to bake as well.
25:42
Speaker 3: Yeah it's difficult yeah everything that i bake turns out
25:47
Speaker 3: scones does that mean they're hard yeah dick and hard.
25:55
Speaker 2: But it's not long before they're talking about their tics.
25:58
Speaker 3: One that i don't like is i blow kisses at
26:00
Speaker 3: people and i have that one quite.
26:02
Speaker 1: A lot If I was doing that, it could be
26:05
Speaker 1: a problem.
26:06
Speaker 3: Luckily, I'm a child, so it's not, like, as weird.
26:13
Speaker 2: Like Song, Chloe's tics have changed over time. She says
26:16
Speaker 2: she's constantly picking up new ones.
26:18
Speaker 3: Like, my meowing one, I got that one because I was, like,
26:21
Speaker 3: messing around with my cat. And then, yeah, and then
26:25
Speaker 3: it just kind of stuck.
26:28
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's annoying whenever I pick up new ones. I'm like, oh,
26:31
Speaker 1: why am I doing that now?
26:33
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm like, goddammit, it has to be that one.
26:36
Speaker 1: Yeah, like, why don't I have one that's, like, running
26:38
Speaker 1: my fingers through my hair? Mm-hmm.
26:41
Speaker 3: I've always thought, like, what if I go to France
26:44
Speaker 3: or something and then I pick up a French chick?
26:48
Speaker 3: A French chick? I kind of want to have a
26:50
Speaker 3: French chick now.
26:52
Speaker 2: LAUGHTER Song has been living for 40 years with something
27:04
Speaker 2: relatively new to Chloe. She has questions for him about
27:08
Speaker 2: what life might be like when she's an adult.
27:10
Speaker 3: What's it like in work with your tics?
27:14
Speaker 1: Well, I mostly work from home.
27:18
Speaker 3: Okay.
27:18
Speaker 1: But I've worked in comic stores for about 14 years.
27:22
Speaker 3: Did you get any rude customers or anything about your tics?
27:26
Speaker 1: Sometimes, yeah. Huh.
27:30
Speaker 2: Song tells Chloe a story from when he was living
27:33
Speaker 2: in London, working the counter at a comic store there.
27:36
Speaker 2: A blind man walked in with his guide.
27:38
Speaker 1: It's a really weird image. The blind guy was maybe
27:42
Speaker 1: like a 70-year-old white guy, gray hair, dark glasses. And
27:49
Speaker 1: his guide was like this tall, really muscular black guy.
27:55
Speaker 2: Song says they looked like they had just walked off
27:57
Speaker 2: the pages of a comic book themselves. The blind man
28:01
Speaker 2: approached Song, started talking to him.
28:04
Speaker 1: He was talking about blindness. And then he goes, but,
28:07
Speaker 1: you know, we all have our thing. You know, I'm
28:09
Speaker 1: blind and you've got a neurological disorder. I'm like, how
28:14
Speaker 1: do you know that? And he's like, oh, it's a
28:16
Speaker 1: different smell. People with neurological disorders have a different smell.
28:20
Speaker 1: And I was like, what do we smell like? And
28:22
Speaker 1: he said, he said like ozone. Like electricity.
28:28
Speaker 2: It made sense to Song in a weird way. He
28:30
Speaker 2: says there's this feeling of electricity in his spine, a
28:34
Speaker 2: tingling or buzzing.
28:35
Speaker 1: It's like always there, right?
28:37
Speaker 4: Yeah.
28:38
Speaker 1: So you feel that as well? Yeah.
28:41
Speaker 3: Pretty much constantly, to be honest.
28:43
Speaker 1: Yeah. And that just kind of tripped me out. I
28:47
Speaker 1: was like standing there dumbfounded. It's like, yeah.
28:52
Speaker 2: How did that make you feel?
28:54
Speaker 1: I mean, at the time, I don't really deal with
28:58
Speaker 1: this as much anymore. I've gotten to a point where
29:01
Speaker 1: I just don't really give a shit about what anybody thinks,
29:03
Speaker 1: you know. But I think when I was younger, I
29:10
Speaker 1: used to really feel like I was repulsive to people.
29:17
Speaker 1: At the time when the guy said it, the way
29:19
Speaker 1: that I thought about it was like, Wow, even to
29:22
Speaker 1: blind people. Like, even somebody who can't see what I'm
29:26
Speaker 1: doing has a response to me.
29:30
Speaker 6: You know?
29:31
Speaker 3: Definitely. I do just get that feeling a lot because
29:35
Speaker 3: I feel like a lot of people don't like me.
29:38
Speaker 3: I'm not sure if it's, like, my tics or what. Like,
29:42
Speaker 3: especially at school.
29:44
Speaker 2: Chloe tells us about something that happened at an after-school club.
29:48
Speaker 2: She was sitting with some friends when a boy came up.
29:51
Speaker 3: And he started being like, bah, bah, bah, and just
29:55
Speaker 3: mocking me a bunch. And he told me that I
29:57
Speaker 3: sounded like a dying pig. To the point I started crying,
30:01
Speaker 3: just hysterical. I was like, I have Tourette's, it's a
30:05
Speaker 3: neurological condition, I can't help it. And he was like,
30:08
Speaker 3: I don't give a shit. And then just kept doing it.
30:10
Speaker 3: I remember going home later and then I was like crying.
30:20
Speaker 3: I was saying, I just want to be normal. I
30:22
Speaker 3: just want to be normal. I was like, I felt
30:26
Speaker 3: that for the longest time. I'm just not normal. And
30:28
Speaker 3: then I just would love to be normal. That'd be
30:32
Speaker 3: my one wish if I got one.
30:34
Speaker 6: Yeah.
30:36
Speaker 2: Song pauses.
30:37
Speaker 1: Talking to him after did you ever feel like there
30:40
Speaker 1: was any any sense of I don't know like accountability
30:46
Speaker 1: for him having done that or regret for having done.
30:50
Speaker 3: That no like once he did give me half an
30:55
Speaker 3: oreo so that was.
30:56
Speaker 2: Great did he ever apologize to you.
31:02
Speaker 3: No I don't think anyone has ever like apologized to
31:06
Speaker 3: me for making fun of my terms?
31:10
Speaker 1: Well, so, I used to go to a Muslim school
31:14
Speaker 1: for one year when I was about, when I was
31:17
Speaker 1: eight years old.
31:27
Speaker 3: I hope she knows that, like, you tried and, like,
31:30
Speaker 3: that you are very sorry about it.
31:33
Speaker 2: For a moment, Chloe considers the boy who made her
31:36
Speaker 2: cry at after school.
31:38
Speaker 3: I'd be very grateful if he, like, apologized to me.
31:41
Speaker 3: I'd be like, thank you for apologizing. Like, it would
31:47
Speaker 3: mean something to me, like, for him to apologize.
31:49
Speaker 1: He still may. He still may. Sometimes it takes people
31:58
Speaker 1: a while to figure out what it is that they've
32:04
Speaker 1: done and what effect it's had on other people. Like
32:08
Speaker 1: I know I can say for myself, like the idea
32:11
Speaker 1: of apologizing, I don't think really hit me until I
32:16
Speaker 1: was in my, in my twenties, you know, so it
32:20
Speaker 1: could happen sometimes, sometimes people surprise you.
32:26
Speaker 2: But until then song offers this, not to the singing girl,
32:31
Speaker 2: but to this one.
32:33
Speaker 1: Well, I mean, in the place of a boy, I
32:37
Speaker 1: would say, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings.
32:43
Speaker 1: I'm sorry that I made fun of you. It wasn't right.
32:48
Speaker 1: I didn't understand what it was to not have control
32:54
Speaker 1: over my own body and how frustrating that could be.
33:01
Speaker 1: I know that it's not your fault. And I know
33:06
Speaker 1: that it's hard for you. And I shouldn't have made
33:11
Speaker 1: things worse for you. You know, I've been around for
33:19
Speaker 1: a while now. And if I was going to put
33:22
Speaker 1: a bit of, you know, 50-year-old into this boy's apology,
33:25
Speaker 1: I would actually say I had things about myself that
33:32
Speaker 1: I felt insecure about. And it has nothing to do
33:37
Speaker 1: with you. It has everything to do with how I
33:40
Speaker 1: feel about myself. And I would say that you are
33:54
Speaker 1: very brave and very strong to be you and to
34:00
Speaker 1: live your life in your skin. And It's not your fault.
34:08
Speaker 1: And I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
34:12
Speaker 4: It felt, like, just really good to hear that.
34:29
Speaker 3: Or just to imagine, like, the kid that was making
34:32
Speaker 3: fun of me being so nice. That just feels amazing.
34:40
Speaker 2: I thought Chloe could act as a stand-in for the
34:43
Speaker 2: girl in Song's story, but it's Song who acts the
34:46
Speaker 2: part of the boy in Chloe's.
34:49
Speaker 3: I really hope that he does now feel remorse for
34:52
Speaker 3: it and is like Song in the way that he
34:58
Speaker 3: feels bad for it and how he's so nice.
35:00
Speaker 6: Yeah.
35:01
Speaker 1: Mm-hmm.
35:05
Speaker 3: All I need to do is, the next time I
35:07
Speaker 3: see him, just around my village or something, I need
35:11
Speaker 3: to get his number, then when this podcast comes out,
35:14
Speaker 3: I'll send.
35:14
Speaker 1: It to him.
35:15
Speaker 3: Oh, wow. And be like, you better do this for me.
35:19
Speaker 3: You will apologize, I'm forcing.
35:23
Speaker 1: You to.
35:23
Speaker 3: And give me the other half of that Oreo while
35:25
Speaker 3: you're at it.
35:25
Speaker 1: That's amazing.
35:36
Speaker 2: In the end, Song got to apologize. Not for karma,
35:41
Speaker 2: but for Chloe. After the call, I check in with Song.
35:55
Speaker 2: He's really happy to have apologized to Chloe, and he
35:58
Speaker 2: hopes it made her feel better. But it hasn't entirely
36:02
Speaker 2: made him feel better. There's still some small part of
36:06
Speaker 2: him that hopes the singing girl is out there, that
36:09
Speaker 2: hopes that maybe, one day, he'll find her and finally
36:13
Speaker 2: get to say sorry. There's an undeniable instinct to explain
36:18
Speaker 2: the randomness of our lives. Maybe that's all karma is, really,
36:22
Speaker 2: a collection of consequences to which we assign causes. It's
36:27
Speaker 2: just the way it is is a lot scarier than
36:30
Speaker 2: things happen for a reason. And so we can't help
36:34
Speaker 2: but search for order, for answers, for solutions, even when
36:38
Speaker 2: we know there are none. I used to think maybe
36:44
Speaker 2: I would be cured if I was struck by lightning,
36:47
Speaker 2: Song once wrote me. This thought first occurred to me
36:50
Speaker 2: while riding my bike across the Williamsburg Bridge in the rain.
36:54
Speaker 2: So it's kind of like a fantasy that I'll get
36:57
Speaker 2: hit by lightning and be fixed. And honestly... Who knows,
37:03
Speaker 2: Song said. It just might work.
37:07
Speaker 4: Piano plays softly.
37:56
Speaker 6: Is returning to its goodwill home now that the last
38:04
Speaker 6: month's rent is scheming with the damage deposit take this
38:10
Speaker 6: moment to decide if we meant it if we tried
38:23
Speaker 6: From things that accidentally touch.
38:29
Speaker 2: This episode of Heavyweight was produced by me, Stevie Lane,
38:32
Speaker 2: along with Jonathan Goldstein and Lisa Wang. Our senior producer
38:36
Speaker 2: is Kalila Holt. Editorial guidance from Emily Condon. Special thanks
38:40
Speaker 2: to Phoebe Flanagan, Daphne Chen, Ben Nadefhafri, Neil Drumming, and Dr.
38:44
Speaker 2: Jillian Murphy, who was extremely helpful on the subject of memory.
38:48
Speaker 2: Emma Munger mixed the episode with original music by Christine Fellows,
38:51
Speaker 2: John K. Sampson, Bobby Lord, and she herself, Emma Munger.
38:55
Speaker 2: Additional scoring by Chris Zabriskie and Blue Dot Sessions. Our
38:58
Speaker 2: theme song is by The Weaker Thens, courtesy of Epitaph Records.
39:02
Speaker 2: Song is an artist, animator, and illustrator. And if you'd
39:04
Speaker 2: like to check out his work, and you should, you
39:07
Speaker 2: can find it at songriddle.com, spelled S-O-N-G-E, riddle.com. Follow us
39:14
Speaker 2: on Instagram at heavyweightpodcast or email us at heavyweight at pushkin.fm.
39:19
Speaker 2: We also have a free newsletter at patreon.com slash heavyweight.
39:23
Speaker 2: Jonathan will be back next week with a brand new episode.
39:29
Speaker 2: Thank you.