Latest / The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast / 288. If Your Wife Isn't Interested In Sex, Maybe You Should Look "Inward" Instead Of Blaming Her

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288. If Your Wife Isn't Interested In Sex, Maybe You Should Look "Inward" Instead Of Blaming Her · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: Welcome to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with your hosts, nick and Amy, and today's episode is going to be a really good one.
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: We always do good ones, but I'm actually kind of excited for this one.
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: I think it's going to be awesome.
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: I don't know.
• 1:00
  Speaker 3: I think this one is really really important.
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: Okay, and we've titled it.
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: If your Wife't interested in sexual intimacy, maybe you should look inside, or maybe you should look in the mirror, or inward, or whatever you want to say.
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: But if your wife isn't interested in sex, maybe it's not her and we're going to talk about.
• 1:24
  Speaker 3: Maybe it's not.
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: Maybe it could be Very slightly about.
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: Maybe it's not, maybe it could be very slightly but maybe it's not yeah right maybe.
• 1:31
  Speaker 3: There's always a maybe so you, you listen and tell us if we got this accurate.
• 1:36
  Speaker 3: I don't know.
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: So the reason what prompted this episode is we had a wife reach out to us and she said my husband degrades me.
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: He puts me down in public, he makes me feel, uh, less of a person.
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: He's mean to me, he yells at me uh, you get it.
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: So that kind of list goes on and on.
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: She's like why in the world would I want to make love to him when he treats me like this?
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: Right, and it was in regards to a newsletter that we put out.
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: And, as we always say, you know, typically we're talking to couples that have a healthy marriage, that want to make it better.
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: But you know, she did bring up a great point that there are a lot of husbands out there that reach out to us.
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: Their attitude is well, my wife should just make love to me.
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: That's like their responsibility.
• 2:23
  Speaker 3: And I'm like oh my heck dude.
• 2:25
  Speaker 3: No, no, Good luck to you.
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: That is not what submit means yeah, that is not, not what it means, and so, um, so we're gonna focus on this episode on the things that we as men often do, uh, that are probably that could probably drive our wives away from wanting to be intimate with us so well, she asked me that she's like why would I want to be intimate with us?
• 2:43
  Speaker 3: Well, she asked me that she's like why would I want to be intimate with him when he treats me like this?
• 2:48
  Speaker 3: And my reply back was you wouldn't.
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you wouldn't, you literally?
• 2:52
  Speaker 3: wouldn't and there's no reason that you would want to if you were treated like that.
• 2:55
  Speaker 3: I'm sorry.
• 2:56
  Speaker 3: We call it making love or being intimate or having good sexual intimacy.
• 3:02
  Speaker 3: For a reason we use those terms because in marriage we don't believe it should be sex.
• 3:07
  Speaker 3: We should believe it should be intimate, it should be sexual intimacy.
• 3:11
  Speaker 3: It's about connecting.
• 3:12
  Speaker 3: So, yeah, if you're not feeling loved, you're not gonna wanna make love.
• 3:15
  Speaker 3: It's not making love, right?
• 3:17
  Speaker 3: Yeah, absolutely.
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: I mean, I think, as we dive right in, you're exactly right, and there's so many things that we can do that we as men do that we don't recognize, that we do like it could be something as little as and I don't say as little meaning it's not a big deal, but it could be something as little as causing an argument or something, and sometimes we as men can really move on and just forget about it, whereas we could have really hurt our spouse, you know okay, I want to do two disclaimers right up at the bat number one before we get into this.
• 3:50
  Speaker 3: It's not always the guy's fault.
• 3:52
  Speaker 3: I just want to.
• 3:52
  Speaker 3: I want to throw that out there, because you know how we say okay, women, you've got to step it up too, like, if your husband's an awesome husband, you don't have to be a perfect husband.
• 4:00
  Speaker 3: We always say that it's not about being so romantic and and doing all these things for her and treating her like a queen.
• 4:06
  Speaker 3: I mean I want you to treat her like a queen, but not like queen.
• 4:09
  Speaker 3: I mean it's respect, kindness, it's always the basic things, right?
• 4:13
  Speaker 3: If he's a good guy, absolutely the wife should step it up.
• 4:16
  Speaker 3: She should try to prioritize, she should figure out why she's not enjoying her, why it's not big on her list, like there's there's there are always times where it's not the husband's fault, so I just want to clarify that before we get into this.
• 4:28
  Speaker 3: It's not always your fault.
• 4:29
  Speaker 3: These are just things that we're pointing out that are going to affect her.
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: Wanting to be intimate, okay yeah, and maybe take a look inside and say, hey, could I do a better job at this?
• 4:38
  Speaker 3: like that's going to take.
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: Humility are there times that I do, uh, talk down.
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: Are there times that I do get angry or upset or have a temper?
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: We're just saying look inwardly and recognize that maybe it is you some of the time.
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: And, like Amy said, a lot of the times it's not.
• 4:58
  Speaker 3: And I just forgot what number two was going to be.
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: You what?
• 5:01
  Speaker 3: I said there were two disclaimers, and then I said one, and then I forgot what number two is.
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: It'll come to me.
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you can interrupt me if I'm in like an important sentence, just cut me off, say I don't remember what that was, and then you can put that disclaimer back in there, okay so?
• 5:16
  Speaker 3: Well, I just wanted to say it's not always the husband's fault.
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: We're not, because there's a lot of women out there that just simply are like I'm not in the mood therefore I'm not gonna you know, I'm not gonna prioritize it.
• 5:27
  Speaker 3: Yeah, the longer that we've done this, the more I've realized half of it's men's fault, half of it's women's fault.
• 5:32
  Speaker 3: Like I don't put blame on the husbands, I don't put blame on the wives, I am very equal.
• 5:36
  Speaker 3: I get messages from women telling women, telling me what their husbands do to them and why they don't want to be intimate, and I'm like, yep, agree with you.
• 5:43
  Speaker 3: And then I get husbands.
• 5:44
  Speaker 3: I talk to him, I'm like he does so much for his wife and she just doesn't care.
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: Like it goes both ways and you can just tell that he wants more than anything just just to be an amazing husband and to connect intimately with her and she just and some women that, with no libido, like they've got other stuff on their mind, they just don't care anymore.
• 6:01
  Speaker 3: They're to blame in that situation.
• 6:03
  Speaker 3: So I'm just saying we don't like to take sides because we know it can go every other way.
• 6:07
  Speaker 3: So please don't take this episode as we're putting blame on men.
• 6:10
  Speaker 3: We're not, yeah, we're not, but there are plenty of men out there that are how do I say it in the nice words scumbags.
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: That was a very nice, very nice, but it's but it's accurate.
• 6:20
  Speaker 3: A lot of.
• 6:20
  Speaker 3: There are a lot of husbands out there that just think that oh, and we've talked about the submitting in marriage my wife should submit to me.
• 6:27
  Speaker 3: That is not what submission means.
• 6:29
  Speaker 3: Go back and listen to that episode, because if you're not a godly putting God first kind of husband like you're not being submissive to God, like it's a whole nother topic.
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: Am I going to have to bleep out a bunch of things in this episode because you're gonna get fired?
• 6:45
  Speaker 3: up no no I, I, that's what I'm saying.
• 6:49
  Speaker 3: I'm like I don't put blame on men.
• 6:51
  Speaker 3: I think there's a lot of women that are equally part of the problem, so I just wanted to point that out.
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: Please don't think that we're like pointing fingers, because marriage takes two okay, but we are going to talk about some of the things that men do do that are going to cause their wife to absolutely not want to be intimate and these can yeah, these can obviously go both ways right, because women need to do them too so first one is obviously temper or anger, and when a husband loses his temper or gets angry, his wife's always going to be walking on eggshells, right?
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: she's going to be like oh man, what I don't want to make him angry you know, always just like very nervous and very tense and feeling like that she's not in a safe place to where, at any time he could, he could get mad or unload right right that's not.
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: That's not an environment any person should be in, and I think, unfortunately, there are a lot of men out there that do uh, snap quickly.
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: They do have a temper, uh, they do have an anger issue, and a lot of times that's used, you know, for that purpose to get what they want, or for control or things like that.
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: So.
• 7:57
  Speaker 3: Absolutely, and it can go both ways.
• 7:59
  Speaker 3: But if you have if you feel like you have anger issues or your husband has anger issues, that probably stemmed from something in the past growing up, maybe some traumatic experience.
• 8:13
  Speaker 3: We've met people that have had major anger issues, gotten some really good therapy, gotten some really good healing and completely turned their personality around.
• 8:22
  Speaker 3: So if you're struggling with that, there's help out there.
• 8:25
  Speaker 3: Something's keeping you in that space and you can change that, because anger, anger is never going to help a marriage.
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: Do you have any examples of when I've gotten angry with you?
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: Nick has no anger.
• 8:37
  Speaker 3: Nick has no anger in him, so I'm not a pro in my own marriage this in any way.
• 8:41
  Speaker 3: Some husbands have no anger in them and some husbands have so much anger build up in them it's.
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: it's so crazy how different of a scale that I probably need to go to classes and find out how to get a little bit of anger or temper there's a good balance for sure.
• 8:59
  Speaker 3: Like you, definitely don't want to be walked all over in life, but you can also be.
• 9:04
  Speaker 3: You can be a very strong masculine person without having anger issues, especially with your wife.
• 9:11
  Speaker 3: Please go listen to episode 111 about respect yep please okay number two uh, embarrassing her in public.
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: What would this look like?
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: I mean, obviously we know, but I don't.
• 9:25
  Speaker 3: Even if it happens though people tell us stories and it happens it's absolutely our dinner parties or family parties with extended family, like anytime that you kind of throw your spouse under the bus and I usually try very hard to say I don't mean to throw you under the bus, but like you can, you can talk about things that have happened in your marriage without being disrespectful or embarrassing, right?
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, obviously, if you do that, husbands, you're going to cause your wife to feel insecure and have shame and just not feel good about themselves, right?
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: I?
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: mean an example of this would be like if you were at a dinner party or something and you make a comment, like you know you're talking about something.
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: You make a comment, yeah, oh, yeah, my wife needs to lose a couple pounds, or you know something like that.
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: I mean, that's obviously um, that would obviously be very embarrassing and things like that and it could go both ways, and it can happen to all of us, right?
• 10:19
  Speaker 3: I think we're all guilty of saying something that we didn't realize.
• 10:22
  Speaker 3: It embarrassed our spouse.
• 10:23
  Speaker 3: I think.
• 10:23
  Speaker 3: Think we've all done it.
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: And why do we do that, Like I often?
• 10:27
  Speaker 3: think of why.
• 10:27
  Speaker 3: Probably because we're holding on to resentment for something.
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly, I mean.
• 10:31
  Speaker 3: I often think why would a spouse want to intentionally embarrass or hurt or Because they're mad, they're holding on to something, and it's usually something internal, more about them, or it's, yeah, something.
• 10:46
  Speaker 3: They need their own personal healing over something.
• 10:48
  Speaker 3: Something has usually happened in the marriage for them to want to do that to their spouse.
• 10:52
  Speaker 3: Yeah, do you agree?
• 10:54
  Speaker 3: absolutely and I think it can happen without us knowing.
• 10:57
  Speaker 3: If it does happen, it's like I'm so sorry, I did not mean it like that or that didn't mean to come out like acknowledging or recognizing that you did something.
• 11:05
  Speaker 3: Or if your or if your spouse does that to you, go home and be like you know you, instead of brushing of the rug and being like that, oh, it's just their personality, whatever.
• 11:12
  Speaker 3: Bring it up, say, hey, I didn't appreciate.
• 11:15
  Speaker 3: Like you don't have to get mad, but like I didn't appreciate the way you said that or that, you said that and your spouse?
• 11:21
  Speaker 3: I've probably been guilty of saying something about our past.
• 11:23
  Speaker 3: Or something like if you you bring it up, then they're going to know not to do it again.
• 11:26
  Speaker 3: They're going to be like most likely, I'm so sorry, I didn't realize it was going to affect you in that way.
• 11:31
  Speaker 3: And that's where healthy conversations come from is when something does happen being able to bring it up and talk about it in a respectful way and then learning how to forgive and heal right, and I think we're all guilty of that.
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: I mean, oftentimes we'll say something like joking around, not with the intent to hurt, but with the intent to kind of be funny or or maybe embarrass a little bit.
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: Um, there's a difference between a little bit of embarrassment, you know, kind of in a fun way, versus like really humiliating your spouse, right, and sometimes sometimes we as men do that we don't intend to cross that line, but sometimes that line gets crossed yeah, so I think that's just really important to be mindful of.
• 12:09
  Speaker 3: Yeah right?
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: yep, exactly.
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: And if you're a wife where your husband has embarrassed you, um, instead of just ignoring it, let him know how you feel, say like, hey, that really embarrassed me, and hopefully your husband will have the attitude of like, oh I'm, I'm really sorry, I didn't, I don't want to do that and be mindful of you know, maybe jokingly or playing, being playful and causing that embarrassment in the future you should respect your wife more than anybody on the face of this planet.
• 12:36
  Speaker 3: So when it comes down to talking down, embarrassing, getting angry, just all the things that we're going to talk about those are key to helping like doing not doing the negative ones are is key to helping her feel trusted, or to feel trust towards you, to feel safe, to feel secure in the relationship.
• 12:55
  Speaker 3: That is what builds emotional intimacy and great sexual intimacy.
• 12:59
  Speaker 3: So if you really want great sex in your marriage, it starts with absolutely how you treat your wife, how you talk to her, how you respect her, how you show her love Like it 100% comes down to that.
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and just while we're talking about all these things and we're going to continue onward, I think a lot of these things can be a form of abuse, right.
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, If you're talking to your wife if you're disrespecting her, if you're you know you're you know yelling at her, whatever like these can be a form.
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: These can be forms of abuse, especially if they get a little out of control right um, the next one is talking down to your wife.
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: What, what do you feel like it means to talk down to your wife, or or?
• 13:40
  Speaker 3: vice versa.
• 13:41
  Speaker 3: I there's been times I'm super guilty of that in my own marriage to you and once again I think it comes back to probably some kind of resentment.
• 13:50
  Speaker 3: Like it's easy to do that when you're like feeling bitter or resentment towards somebody for something you felt like they personally did to you.
• 13:57
  Speaker 3: Right, but talking down would just belittling, making them feel like less of a person, making them feel like like I'm probably guilty of that when I was supporting us and Nick wasn't, and I felt like there was no connection there and I'm just like I probably made some comments to him that really hurt his feelings.
• 14:14
  Speaker 3: Like I don't remember now, but I think we're all guilty of this.
• 14:18
  Speaker 3: So we have to once again be mindful.
• 14:20
  Speaker 3: Like am I bringing my spouse up?
• 14:23
  Speaker 3: My spouse should feel more loved by me than anyone on this whole planet, right?
• 14:26
  Speaker 3: So what am I doing?
• 14:28
  Speaker 3: And not a daily thing, I don't think it's like constant buildup but am I bringing my spouse up?
• 14:34
  Speaker 3: But does my spouse feel like they look up to me?
• 14:38
  Speaker 3: Right?
• 14:39
  Speaker 3: Like when we got married and fell in love, we looked up to each other, we, we respected each other.
• 14:45
  Speaker 3: Like those things kind of came naturally.
• 14:46
  Speaker 3: And then I feel like you go through really hard things and those things can kind of get broken down sometimes.
• 14:50
  Speaker 3: So I think, just being mindful and like, okay, how does or maybe this is a great conversation to have with your spouse how do I make you feel?
• 14:58
  Speaker 3: Do you feel respected by me?
• 15:00
  Speaker 3: Do you feel like I bring you up or uplift you in this marriage?
• 15:03
  Speaker 3: And if the the answer is no, that's where humility kicks in.
• 15:06
  Speaker 3: How I need to be better, right.
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: Well, and I love that you're talking about like, okay, instead of not just doing these things right, not just talking down to your spouse, not just um embarrassing them, you're turning it around and saying how do I uplift my spouse?
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: How do I?
• 15:21
  Speaker 3: we want to be positive.
• 15:22
  Speaker 3: How do?
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: I, how do I not only just not do these things, but how do I turn it into a positive?
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: And that's so true, like you know.
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: Instead of embarrassing her, like complimenting her in public and saying, oh man, I got the most amazing wife in the world, like just sharing how grateful you are, and instead of talking down to her like you're the most amazing person ever, I can't believe that you do these things and and really uplifting her well, this comes, okay, you got to bring hold on.
• 15:49
  Speaker 3: We got to pause that right there.
• 15:49
  Speaker 3: Not actually pause it, but like what happens if you don't feel like that towards your spouse?
• 15:56
  Speaker 3: Like literally there's a lot of couples probably listening.
• 15:58
  Speaker 3: It's like I don't feel like that though I'm not gonna go lie to my spouse like I literally don't feel the things that you're saying.
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: I think we can all look for the negatives in each other.
• 16:07
  Speaker 2: That's really easy to do, but I think we could all find some positives in our spouse.
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: Even if we're going through difficult times, maybe we're not feeling as connected, there's still positive things you're going to find in your spouse.
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: If there's not, then why in the world are you guys together, right Like?
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: So, look for the positive.
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: I am a big believer in just how our, how our personality or perception of things, um, can really change and impact our marriage.
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: If I'm constantly being positive and talking to amy and telling her how beautiful she is and how much I love her and how much I appreciate her and all these things, how can that not really transform our relationship?
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: right right, then she's going to be more positive to me she's like oh man, I got the most amazing.
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: Appreciate her and all these things.
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: how can that not really transform our relationship, right, right, then she's going to be more positive to me.
• 16:51
  Speaker 2: She's like oh man, I got the most amazing man in the world.
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: Like, oh, then that's going to be reciprocated back and forth.
• 16:54
  Speaker 2: When you're talking down and negatively to your spouse, that's probably going to be reciprocated in one way or another.
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: Um, maybe not verbally, but certainly like emotionally and sexually and things like that.
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: As well.
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: Like you know, maybe your spouse.
• 17:08
  Speaker 2: If you're talking down to your wife, maybe she's being quiet and stuff, but she's certainly going to reciprocate in ways to make you not feel loved as well too right so again.
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: I kind of rambled there, but I love how you're hitting on turning it around and actually doing the opposite and making it a very positive thing.
• 17:28
  Speaker 3: So this is where I get stuck is because husbands want their wives to want to be intimate, right, like that's most that's.
• 17:34
  Speaker 3: I mean, that's the biggest complaint for most men, right it's like I want my wife to want to be intimate, but then is there like some kind of disconnect in the brain that's like oh, I can treat her like this and she's still gonna want it.
• 17:45
  Speaker 3: I like that's what I don't understand.
• 17:46
  Speaker 3: Like you, you all these husbands, I mean we took these massive surveys and thousands of husbands answered and they're like I want her to want me, I want her to desire me, I want her to want to be connected, I want intimacy to be great for both of us.
• 18:00
  Speaker 3: I want her to enjoy and feel that passion and feel that united connectedness during sex.
• 18:05
  Speaker 3: Like that's what we want, right?
• 18:06
  Speaker 3: All these thousands of husbands admitted to all those same things.
• 18:10
  Speaker 3: So that's what I understand.
• 18:12
  Speaker 3: It's like okay, if you want that connected, amazing, uniting sex where you're just like I love you so much, I love you so much, this is so great.
• 18:20
  Speaker 3: It starts by 100 the way you treat her right, 100%.
• 18:27
  Speaker 3: Like why are we?
• 18:28
  Speaker 3: How are we missing this?
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: So I wonder if oftentimes we as men are guilty of treating our spouse this way.
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: I wonder if it goes back to like kind of sports right, like when we're growing up.
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: A lot of coaches are like oh you suck, like you're horrible or whatever, and a lot of times for men, men, that's whether right or wrong, that's a motivating factor of like, oh man, I'm gonna prove this guy wrong or I'm gonna get better.
• 18:55
  Speaker 2: I'm gonna work on this.
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: Like a lot of times you see different things in sports where some coaches are very positive right and some coaches are just constantly negative, negative, negative, but a lot of times that that forces a man to to want to be better or do better, or what have you.
• 19:11
  Speaker 2: I wonder if we as men sometimes feel like, oh, I say that if I say these things, it's encouraging my spouse to to be better or try to do better or whatever, which is a crazy way to think of it.
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: I mean, there's just, but I, I don't know, I think our entire way of a lot of times people say negative things to try to help someone be better.
• 19:33
  Speaker 3: But obviously that in my opinion, I just think it really comes down to how we were raised also like it could be a coach, it could be your father, it could be your mother, like, like, what were you fed on how?
• 19:45
  Speaker 3: What like, did your parents or did your father try to drive you by bringing you down or building you up?
• 19:51
  Speaker 3: Like I think we inherit those traits, right, and then we bring them into our marriage.
• 19:55
  Speaker 3: So, yeah, like, I think that's why we're trying to like, like kind of reteach this.
• 20:01
  Speaker 3: Like emotional intimacy is how you treat your wife.
• 20:04
  Speaker 3: If you want her to want to make love to you, like, you have to show love.
• 20:09
  Speaker 3: That's why it's called making love and it's just really common sense, but it's common sense to us.
• 20:13
  Speaker 3: But, like, if you've been through a lot of baggage, bless your heart.
• 20:15
  Speaker 3: Like you've been through some real stuff.
• 20:17
  Speaker 3: You were taught stuff that was totally opposite.
• 20:19
  Speaker 3: That's okay.
• 20:20
  Speaker 3: You can switch this around at any time.
• 20:22
  Speaker 3: You really can't.
• 20:24
  Speaker 3: You can be like I did not realize that, because there's a lot of husbands that we'll um discuss with on social media.
• 20:30
  Speaker 3: They're like I didn't know that and like, instead of like arguing, I'm like oh my gosh, you really didn't grow up knowing this.
• 20:36
  Speaker 3: Like how important.
• 20:36
  Speaker 3: I know, I had no idea how important emotional connection was definitely how we were raised.
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: No, I mean I I admit that I had learned.
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: I, when we first got married, I had a lot of downfalls because my parents were divorced and I didn't see love and affection, and so you know even the financial stuff that we went through, the emotional stuff that we went through.
• 20:54
  Speaker 3: He's like sorry, you didn't see that, sorry, learn that from my dad or my mom like it, just like I learned that from other people in our in my life yeah, I didn't know there was any different, you know, right, yeah, so that.
• 21:04
  Speaker 3: Yeah, so that's like, that's why we bring this stuff up.
• 21:06
  Speaker 3: It's like go have these conversations, be like this is what I'm missing.
• 21:09
  Speaker 3: This is what you're missing.
• 21:10
  Speaker 3: We both want the same thing.
• 21:12
  Speaker 3: We both want a passionate marriage.
• 21:14
  Speaker 3: We both came from different backgrounds.
• 21:16
  Speaker 3: This hurts my feelings.
• 21:18
  Speaker 3: This makes me feel uplifted.
• 21:19
  Speaker 3: Have those discussions right.
• 21:21
  Speaker 3: Yeah, like that.
• 21:31
  Speaker 3: Yeah, like that's what we had to do.
• 21:32
  Speaker 3: Our first 10 years of marriage was just like.
• 21:33
  Speaker 3: That doesn't work for me.
• 21:33
  Speaker 3: That that hurts my feelings.
• 21:34
  Speaker 3: That makes me not want to have sex with you.
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: That makes me feel very disconnected from you.
• 21:36
  Speaker 2: How do we twist?
• 21:36
  Speaker 2: How do we?
• 21:36
  Speaker 2: Turn this around yeah, yeah for sure.
• 21:37
  Speaker 2: And you know, I think you know, being disrespectful to her kind of falls, in line with what we've been talking about.
• 21:42
  Speaker 2: I mean, that looks like you obviously putting your wife down.
• 21:46
  Speaker 2: You know, it could be like saying, oh, you never, you never accomplished anything.
• 21:50
  Speaker 2: Or oh, you always try to do that and you're never successful.
• 21:53
  Speaker 3: Treating her like a less than or not an equal to right.
• 21:57
  Speaker 2: There's a lot of husbands that put them stuff on.
• 21:59
  Speaker 2: Do not do that I.
• 22:02
  Speaker 2: I really liked the next one and I think we're very guilty of it, and that is making your wife feel like sex is just physical, that it's not a spiritual and emotional connection.
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: For women, sex is a lot different connection than I think it is for men, and a lot of women write us all the time that, oh, my husband just wants me for sex.
• 22:24
  Speaker 2: And a lot of men make their spouse feel that way, make their spouse feel like that's all they want.
• 22:30
  Speaker 2: Is sex, the physical act, and I think that's really sad, because if you're a wife and you're feeling like, oh, my husband just wants me for sex, you're feeling used, you're feeling abused, you're feeling Absolutely, yeah, it becomes a degrading thing rather than a loving thing.
• 22:47
  Speaker 2: I don't know sex.
• 22:50
  Speaker 2: We talk about this often.
• 22:51
  Speaker 2: Sex is such a a powerful and amazing emotion that is meant to bring us closer together, but it's often used as a tool to make us feel empty and divided and and you know so many other emotions as well and I think that's why so many people struggle with sexual intimacy is because it's such a.
• 23:12
  Speaker 2: It is such a deep, crazy emotional and sexual thing that it's easy to get hurt.
• 23:19
  Speaker 3: Let me teach you something that I've learned.
• 23:22
  Speaker 3: Not that it's right, but this works for us and this is what I just was thinking about while you were talking.
• 23:27
  Speaker 3: In our marriage, nick has the emotional intimacy thing down.
• 23:31
  Speaker 3: He is an amazing husband.
• 23:33
  Speaker 3: I'm not trying to put him up on this pedestal.
• 23:35
  Speaker 3: You all need to be like him.
• 23:36
  Speaker 3: You're not good enough.
• 23:37
  Speaker 3: I'm just like he's really figured out.
• 23:39
  Speaker 3: Like when I do my share, when I treat her with respect, when I'm just a good, loving husband and father, she's already 100% emotionally connected to me.
• 23:48
  Speaker 3: Like I know that he loves me.
• 23:49
  Speaker 3: I feel that right, that's what all women want.
• 23:51
  Speaker 3: Now, when I prioritize sexual intimacy, that's where he starts to feel the emotional connection.
• 23:58
  Speaker 3: That's like during sex.
• 24:00
  Speaker 3: He feels loved, he feels desired, he feels appreciated.
• 24:03
  Speaker 3: He gets that through sex.
• 24:05
  Speaker 3: I can honestly say for sex, for me, it's more physical.
• 24:09
  Speaker 3: Let me tell you why because I've already got the emotional aspect of our marriage.
• 24:13
  Speaker 3: I already felt that.
• 24:14
  Speaker 3: I felt that before I got into bed.
• 24:16
  Speaker 3: So then sex turns physical for me, which is I want to explore new things, I want to have fun in the bedroom, I want it to feel good for both of us, like I and I enjoy it physically, because I already had the emotional, and this is what I really feel like that's a good balance, because if you can get your wife to really enjoy the bedroom, which starts with that emotional connection, she's more willing to do those things, to have fun, try new things, enjoy it physically.
• 24:43
  Speaker 3: If she's enjoying it physically, she's going to want to do it more often or she's going to be more open to it when you want to do it and this is where it's a beautiful process is because, nick, he's getting that emotional fulfillment during the sex.
• 24:57
  Speaker 3: I'm getting that physical, and it might be two different things, but we're both feeling emotionally connected in different ways.
• 25:03
  Speaker 2: Yeah, does that make any sense to you.
• 25:05
  Speaker 3: If husbands could get to that point where they're like the emotional connection for my wife should be outside of the bedroom.
• 25:11
  Speaker 3: I want her to feel so loved outside the bedroom that she wants to be intimate.
• 25:15
  Speaker 3: She's going to open up a whole new world of sexual intimacy with you.
• 25:20
  Speaker 3: That's enjoyable and fun and exciting, which is what men want to feel emotionally connected, and I know I just repeated that, but I just think that's really important to hear from a wife's aspect, because one because nick makes me feel so loved and respected and valued in our marriage and an equal partner.
• 25:36
  Speaker 3: Everything else is better and that is the entire point and then I love that.
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: Thank you for sharing that.
• 25:43
  Speaker 2: And in a healthy marriage, what?
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: Uh?
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: Sex to a man is much more than physical.
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: I love that.
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: You said it is emotional because you can tell me all day long that, um, you're, you know I'm great and this and that and you're appreciative, but the only the you could tell me all day long, but the way to show me that you love me is to connect sexually, like most, most higher drive husbands, which is the majority of husbands, feel that way.
• 26:12
  Speaker 2: Yeah, they've told us and we've taken polls and done things on this and it.
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: It bothers me when I hear wives say my husband just wants me for sex.
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: And maybe there are some men out there that just want sex, but I think it's very few.
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: I think most men want that connection with their spouse and they want to feel loved and desired and and, like amy said, that feels an emotional connection as well too.
• 26:35
  Speaker 2: So if you're a husband and your wife is feeling like it's just about the sex, again, you know, look and look in the mirror, figure out why, you know maybe she's feeling this way.
• 26:49
  Speaker 3: And I like the other part of this last one that you brought up.
• 26:53
  Speaker 3: This is a spiritual connection as well.
• 26:59
  Speaker 3: Right, like sexual intimacy has a spiritual component, a component if you're religious, like you feel that right, like you can feel when it's unified, when it's trust and respect and love.
• 27:08
  Speaker 3: There it's a whole different experience and so, like, really just getting on that same page of this is what I need, and and I because I said, okay, we don't want to.
• 27:17
  Speaker 3: There's a lot of men that we need to put this all on, but there's a lot of women too.
• 27:21
  Speaker 3: Like, if you're feeling like that like, or if you're, if you're not feeling respected, or if you need something from your husband, like you have to tell him.
• 27:28
  Speaker 3: You have to tell him how you feel or how he's making you feel, or what you need more of to get that, because that's where a good marriage comes from right for sure.
• 27:37
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and the final one in my opinion the most important one is when there's no emotional intimacy.
• 27:43
  Speaker 2: And we see a lot, of, a lot of husbands you know that don't give the emotional intimacy but still expect the sexual intimacy right, so they're not talking to their wife during the day.
• 27:55
  Speaker 2: In fact, you know I think we've showed this stat several times before, but it's worth repeating again I think we saw that the average couple spends about 12 minutes a day in meaningful conversation.
• 28:05
  Speaker 2: Like that is 12 minutes a day.
• 28:07
  Speaker 2: That is nothing right.
• 28:08
  Speaker 2: So if, if you're the average couple and you're not connecting emotionally, or you're a husband and you're too busy to spend time talking and connecting with your wife emotionally, your wife's not going to want to connect physically if there's no emotional connection there I can't I can't stress that enough like you can't just offer no emotional connection and then expect your wife to want to jump into bed it's just not going to happen so no, I'd like to say common sense, but sometimes it's not.
• 28:38
  Speaker 3: Sometimes men do not know that.
• 28:40
  Speaker 3: So now you do.
• 28:41
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so now you do how would you feel if, like, I was never really talking to you, just not connecting emotionally?
• 28:49
  Speaker 2: I mean, how would you feel?
• 28:51
  Speaker 2: Would you feel kind of alone and isolated and I'd be like don't touch me.
• 28:54
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm just gonna be blunt with you right now.
• 28:56
  Speaker 3: I'd be like don't, don't touch me.
• 28:58
  Speaker 3: If you're not gonna show up in our life and the things that you committed to, like being a good husband, don't touch me.
• 29:05
  Speaker 3: I can tell you, the biggest turnoff for women is when you just like do nothing, sit on your phone.
• 29:11
  Speaker 3: Not helpful, I mean, that's even just the basics, but but to be disrespectful and to be emotionally abusive or to act like you don't care, or to put your spouse down or embarrass them.
• 29:21
  Speaker 3: Do any of those toxic, toxic things.
• 29:23
  Speaker 3: I'd be like don't touch me.
• 29:24
  Speaker 3: And I know that doesn't fix the problem, cause we're always trying to figure out how to fix things.
• 29:28
  Speaker 3: But that is where the husband needs to fix first, and then she's going to come around after she forgives, after he's genuinely sorry, and if you've done that, you can change.
• 29:38
  Speaker 3: You can change and you can apologize, and you can show her in your actions that you're apologizing and you can heal from that.
• 29:47
  Speaker 2: And to me the emotional intimacy side of things is the easiest side of things, Like how can it be hard to sit down and have a good conversation with your spouse, or to listen to them, or to go on a walk and talk?
• 30:01
  Speaker 2: Like how is it so hard that you can't provide any emotional intimacy?
• 30:07
  Speaker 3: Do you think it's pride?
• 30:08
  Speaker 3: I mean, are we back on the pride thing Like I'm better than you, or?
• 30:12
  Speaker 2: you're just a woman.
• 30:14
  Speaker 3: I mean, do you think, maybe that comes into it sometimes?
• 30:17
  Speaker 2: I think there's a lot of things that are thrown in our life, like I mean, let's look at technology real quick.
• 30:22
  Speaker 2: For example, right like um, I'm on the couch and I'm scrolling through my social media instead of talking to you or having a good conversation right balance in all things.
• 30:32
  Speaker 3: That's not always bad.
• 30:33
  Speaker 2: But yeah, I'm not saying that's always bad, because I love, I love, you know, clearing my mind at the end of the day, and just you know.
• 30:40
  Speaker 2: But there's a time and place, right, right.
• 30:42
  Speaker 2: But think about that, like if, if a husband's doing that and a wife's like, yeah, he doesn't even care, he's not even interested in our relationship, then what's the wife going to do?
• 30:51
  Speaker 2: She's probably going to.
• 30:53
  Speaker 3: She's going to withdraw.
• 30:58
  Speaker 2: She's going to withdraw, probably gonna.
• 30:59
  Speaker 2: She's gonna withdraw and she's gonna go do things to take her yep herself away from him, right, and then that emotional disconnect is gonna just get even bigger and bigger.
• 31:03
  Speaker 3: And then when he comes to her and says, hey, let's make love baby, she's like screw you no, yeah where you been last week right like a month or a year, the time of day so this is where it gets tricky, though, is because we fall in love right like you don't marry someone that treats you like that, it happens how do you fall in love, though?
• 31:22
  Speaker 2: you fall in love by spending time together emotional intimacy emotional talk, you connect, you get to know each other, what happens, what happens after you fall in love?
• 31:30
  Speaker 3: you get married.
• 31:31
  Speaker 3: What happens?
• 31:31
  Speaker 3: What causes those disconnects?
• 31:33
  Speaker 3: Because I'm pretty sure that most women are not going to like date a guy that like treats them like crap, is toxic, is emotionally abusive and she's like sign me up for that right that doesn't happen, I think we, I think when we're dating, we put on our best selves, right?
• 31:45
  Speaker 3: We want them to think right, so then we get married, we have kids and all of a sudden some toxic traits start coming out right yeah, for sure the real self starts coming out right and it can get worse and worse and worse.
• 31:55
  Speaker 3: Pride can get thrown in the relationship, make it even worse.
• 31:57
  Speaker 3: Whatever happens, what's happening is those barriers whatever those barriers are, they've got to get knocked down.
• 32:04
  Speaker 3: But I talked to a lot of passive women that just like well, I don't want to raise my voice.
• 32:09
  Speaker 3: He gets really mad.
• 32:10
  Speaker 3: I don't want to make him upset.
• 32:12
  Speaker 3: Oh, it's so sad to me.
• 32:15
  Speaker 3: I'm like've got you, you got a voice.
• 32:17
  Speaker 3: You gotta start, you gotta use it, because emotional abuse is not okay, not okay.
• 32:22
  Speaker 3: And I think the majority of men like if a woman sets like, puts her foot down, she's like I'm gonna be treated like this anymore.
• 32:28
  Speaker 3: If you're gonna treat me like this, I'm out.
• 32:30
  Speaker 3: I think they're gonna gain a level of respect that hasn't been there before, for sure because there are some men out there that can like try and walk all over women and they get away with it like don't let them get away like talk I.
• 32:41
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I get a whole good start on the rampage, yeah name is getting fired up that's because I hear from so many women that are getting emotionally abused and I'm like I absolutely would not be intimate with my husband if he did that to me like absolutely not.
• 32:55
  Speaker 3: So it all comes down to, you can change this, you can tweak this whole, even if there's not like emotional abuse going on in your marriage.
• 33:04
  Speaker 3: There's little things that happen in marriage that wreck intimacy, and so, whatever level you're on, we're trying to kind of hit a wall right.
• 33:10
  Speaker 3: Like it might be really toxic.
• 33:11
  Speaker 3: It might not be toxic at all.
• 33:12
  Speaker 3: It might be little things that are just upsetting you, like you're not helping me enough, you don't, you are on your phone a lot.
• 33:18
  Speaker 3: Like it might be those simple things that we all deal with that are break or they're putting up barriers, right oh for sure, no question.
• 33:26
  Speaker 2: Um, I like the last one that we're going to finish on, and that is trust.
• 33:29
  Speaker 2: Um, if your wife doesn't trust your behavior, trust you as a person, she is no way gonna want to hook, hook up in the bedroom.
• 33:38
  Speaker 2: It's just not gonna happen, nope.
• 33:40
  Speaker 2: And you know, trust can be lost in so many different ways.
• 33:44
  Speaker 2: Right, I I would say we've definitely experienced this earlier on in our marriage and, um, you know, I, I, I can, I can't speak for you, but I think loss of trust was a huge thing.
• 33:58
  Speaker 3: And we're not talking like infidelity or pornography or any of those things, there's lots of different ways to lose trust with your spouse.
• 34:04
  Speaker 3: It can literally, be, just literally, you don't do your part with this family.
• 34:08
  Speaker 3: Like you can lose trust in someone for not carrying their shirt right.
• 34:12
  Speaker 3: Like it can be simple things.
• 34:14
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it could be getting caught doing porn right Like it could be simple things.
• 34:16
  Speaker 2: So, yeah, it could be, it could be getting caught doing porn right like it could be so many things.
• 34:20
  Speaker 2: But if, if your wife doesn't trust you, she's not gonna trust you in the most vulnerable way, in the bedroom 100.
• 34:29
  Speaker 3: I saw a quote a couple weeks ago that said something.
• 34:32
  Speaker 3: I'm gonna misread it, but it said something like women spend a lot of time checking to see if they're emotionally safe in their relationship before they can be intimate, and I think that's really true.
• 34:45
  Speaker 3: Like I think you have to look at that and be like okay, I like as a husband.
• 34:50
  Speaker 3: They're like oh, I can be intimate anytime, any day, whatever a woman a woman cannot, mental, I mean.
• 34:56
  Speaker 3: We always say right, right, like sex.
• 34:58
  Speaker 3: A woman's brain is her biggest sex organ, like her mind has to be in a really good place for her to want to be intimate and to enjoy it being intimate and so that trust piece and that security and safe piece is huge for women.
• 35:12
  Speaker 2: If they're not feeling love, respected, and feel that sense of trust, they're not gonna want it, they're not gonna enjoy it so if you're a husband out there that just feels like hey, we're not connected, my wife doesn't want to be intimate with me again, listen to what we've talked about, look in the mirror and let down that pride and say are there things I'm doing in my relationship that I can do a lot better, in how I treat my spouse, how I connect with my spouse, what I say to my spouse?
• 35:45
  Speaker 3: Right All the things.
• 35:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 35:48
  Speaker 3: All the things Good sex comes from strong emotional connection.
• 35:55
  Speaker 2: Amen, all right, as we wrap this thing up, if you want an amazing product, well, I'm gonna hand it over to Amy.
• 36:01
  Speaker 3: We just got an amazing review on this product, and it was from wife.
• 36:05
  Speaker 3: She says I'm a 38 year old woman who carries a lot of stress and anxiety which I feel negatively affects my sex life, and I hardly ever orgasm from intercourse alone", which is like most women, right?
• 36:17
  Speaker 3: She said I've heard about using toys for stimulation in addition to intercourse, so we decided to give it a try.
• 36:25
  Speaker 3: Wowza, we have used it twice now and I orgasm both times within the first 10 minutes.
• 36:30
  Speaker 3: Ha ha, my hubby is happy too, of course.
• 36:33
  Speaker 3: Now I don't ever want to have sex again without this thing.
• 36:35
  Speaker 3: 10 minutes, that's a sex again without this thing.
• 36:37
  Speaker 2: 10 minutes, that's a long time for that thing.
• 36:39
  Speaker 3: It's more like a minute with that thing.
• 36:41
  Speaker 3: It's amazing.
• 36:42
  Speaker 3: We're getting a lot of reviews just like this from women that have never truly experienced how amazing physical arousal and sex can actually be for them, so it's pretty awesome to have found this.
• 36:56
  Speaker 3: We call it an aid because it's not a replacement.
• 36:59
  Speaker 2: it's not even really a toy to us, it's literally aiding you to have better, have better foreplay and sex for her pleasure, and it doesn't really affect the guy in any way, when you think of a toy, you think of something that creates like a lot of fun and foreplay and and kind of things like that.
• 37:18
  Speaker 2: This is, this is more, like amy said, just totally enhances it when you're making love.
• 37:23
  Speaker 2: I don't think of it as a toy either.
• 37:24
  Speaker 2: I know a lot of people out there are afraid of saying, oh, I don't want to use a toy.
• 37:29
  Speaker 2: Well, this is not a toy.
• 37:30
  Speaker 3: This is just going to make your sexual intimacy so much more amazing and for speaking from a wife that fully, fully, fully thinks this thing is amazing.
• 37:39
  Speaker 3: It helps you not have to have foreplay forever too.
• 37:44
  Speaker 3: It works really really fast.
• 37:46
  Speaker 3: But also the other benefit is that you can enjoy physical intimacy the entire time.
• 37:52
  Speaker 3: The entire time.
• 37:53
  Speaker 3: Because I think guys like we talked about in our podcast can like enjoy it the whole time.
• 37:57
  Speaker 3: Or women's like, oh, I have to get really heated up and then I have one really quick and that's all I get right.
• 38:02
  Speaker 3: So, anyways, that fixes that too.
• 38:03
  Speaker 2: Yeah let's go check it out.
• 38:05
  Speaker 2: Shopultimate intimacycom I can't say it shopultimate intimacycom, and it is the flower remote control vibrating ring.
• 38:15
  Speaker 2: So and message us if you have any questions or concerns.
• 38:18
  Speaker 2: Like if you have questions on it, shoot Amy an email.
• 38:21
  Speaker 2: She'll answer your message and until next time we hope all of you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.