Latest / Topeka Bible Church Audio Archive / February 11, 2020 | Expresso - Tammy Mapes

Transcript

February 11, 2020 | Expresso - Tammy Mapes · Topeka Bible Church Audio Archive

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: So in December 2018, as our Carnot Bible study table group was sharing a meal and fellowship at the end of the year, God laid it on my heart, and I hope I can make this that a lot of tears, that I needed to share my faith journey and how God had been there for me every step of the way over the last several years.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: This will not be an easy story to tell, as there are a lot of grief mixed in with my journey.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: I will start by telling you that many years ago I spoke at Espresso about the early years of my life in the faith of my fathers, and how the wonderful Christian heritage from my parents, my grandparents, my three sisters, my many friends, and TBC gave me the foundation that's needed in my life.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm so thankful that when I moved to Topeka, I found TBC.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: I want to show you a young uh picture of our young family.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: So this is when I first met Tom, and he was stationed out at Forbes Air Force Base.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: He was 23 and I was 26.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: I was divorced and I had two kids.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: I had moved to Topeka to find a job and start my life anew.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: At this time, Carl, my oldest, was six, and Kevin was two.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: Aren't they cute?
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: They look like I don't know what they were doing.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: We must have been for a camp.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: That's actually at his mom's house in Alabama.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: And we went down there, he had taken me down for him for her to meet the family.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: But the reason I wanted to show you that is that's where our life started.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: And we were we were young, even though I had been married before.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: And he was stationed at Forbes, as I said, and then he went overseas.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: So we dated eight years.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: We would have been married 40 years this coming August.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: And uh during that eight years, we were separated most of the time because he was in the service, he was overseas, then he went to college and he earned two degrees.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: And then he moved back to Topeka.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: But he never forgot about me, and I didn't forget about him.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Tonight I'll start my story in the year 2016, as this is where circumstances started to affect my faith journey.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: This is my mother here.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: The one, the picture on the left was taken at a family gathering in the park.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: There she's not sick, she's young and spar, well, she's she hasn't hit her ill health.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: The picture on the right, um, we were actually all with her.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: We were at a little event here in Topeka, and she was hamming it up as she always did.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: And you can see she was wearing oxygen.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: So she was getting closer, she was having a lot of issues, health issues.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: At this time, she was 94 years old.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: We had moved her to Topeka in 2010 so she could be near family.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: Most of her immediate daughters and grandchildren were within a two-hour drive from Topeka, except for one daughter who was from Austin.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: So this is Tom and Tammy, me and Tom, at her 90th birthday party, which we celebrated here in Topeka at Lexington Park.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: She lived at Lexington Park.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: Many of you know where that is, it's behind the Dillons.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: And it says Joan's Homestead across there.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um, the homestead or our family farm is over 100 years old.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: And it's actually belongs to me now.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: So part of it, not all of it.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's broken up into sections.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: But um, I wanted to show you this because this was Tom before, before all this stuff happened, and look how happy we are there.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um I'm gonna leave it on that uh picture for a minute.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: Uh during the last year of my mom's life, she suffered a lot of ill health.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: In August, my husband Tom slipped in the park and fell on his right hip.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: His leg literally collapsed underneath him.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: And as a result, he developed a large hematoma on his hip.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: From this time on, he became very tired and weak.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: My mom then passed away on October 10th, 2016.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: After the death of my mom, Tom became even weaker and to the point where it was getting hard for him to walk.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: I remember him calling me a couple of times after he got back, and he'd always text me when he taught at Allen Community College, and he had to drive back and forth from Burlingame, and two times he said I barely made it back to Topeka.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: And so we got him into the doctor immediately, and uh in both October and November he ended up in the hospital and had to have blood transfusions.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: The doctor told us he was not going to let him go home until they figured out what was going on with him.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: After a lot of tests and scans, it was determined he had a large tumor on his right hip called a sarcoma, which they felt was cancerous.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: They told us at that time the best thing for us was to transfer to KU Med in Kansas City as one of the best surgeons for this type of cancer was there.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: They would not perform the biopsy here in Topeka, but at KU so as not to disturb the tumor until absolutely necessary.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to give you a little bit of education on what a sarcoma is in case you don't know.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: But it's a type of cancer that can occur in various locations in the body.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: It can begin in the bones and in the soft connective tissues.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: Tom actually began in the tissue right on his hip, right back here.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: While it does not appear particularly aggressive under the microscope, it travels very early to other sites of the body, including the lung, chest cavity, liver, and bone, and occasionally to the brain.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: This form of sarcoma is relatively resistant to standard chemotherapy.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Now, when we all started out on this journey, we didn't know any of that.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: So the question Tom and I ask ourselves we were facing that dread word of cancer in our lives that everybody faces, not everybody, but people face from time to time.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: So how do we face the future?
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: What do we do?
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: How do we go on?
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: Tom by nature is a pessimist, while I am an optimist.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I think about that and I think, isn't it amazing how God puts people together to face life and the problems that they arise in their lives?
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: He puts couples together to help each other through the hard times.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: From the very beginning, Tom told me he did not feel good about this.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: Based on my deep faith, my response was, and my positive attitude about everything, we will make it through this.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: We will pray for healing, it will be okay.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Those were my exact words.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I believe prayer is very powerful, and I believe in the power of prayer.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: But I think that sometimes we pray and think because we are Christians, our prayers will be answered the way we want.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: But what is God's will in our lives?
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: My plan is that Tom would live and we would have many more years together.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: We would actually be able to maybe go do some traveling because I was getting close to retirement from payless.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: But God had a different plan.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: He did answer our prayers, but according to his plan and his will.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: As I look back now, I think that Tom started to prepare that very day that we learned he had cancer for his eventual death.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: And some of you will say what a positive attitude that he had towards the end.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: And somebody asked him, well, why?
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: And he said, Well, why not me?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: Thus began our one-year-long journey of radiation and surgery, manor care, storm up veil, KU Med, and hospice.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: Tom collapsed at home in the middle of January 2017.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: I had to call an ambulance because I couldn't get him up.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: They said at that point his hemoglobin and everything was so low that his body was starting to shut down.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: And it was due to low hemoglobin in the effects of the radiation, because at that time he was starting to take radiation.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I was no longer able to care for him at home.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: So from mid-January, and this is in 2017, through the July 4th weekend in 2017, he was either at Manor Care, Stormont Vale, or KU Med.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: I, if he was at Manor Care in Stormont Vale, I tried to work.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: If he was at KU Med, I stayed with him all the time.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: Also, at this time, Payless was starting to go through trying financial times and eventual bankruptcy.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: However, through this time, God provided for our needs.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: I was either on part-time or full-time FLMA, and I did have time that I could use, and the work was very supportive.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: And what is really funny about all of this is I think back, as he was about ready to go into hospice, I had thought in my mind that I was going to go ahead and tell him I was going to retire.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: But this gentle nudging said, no, don't do it.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: Just don't do it, don't do it, don't do it.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: And so I didn't.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I told him that I was going to go in hospice, take care of Tom.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: But when it when everything was all said and done, you never know how long somebody's going to survive.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: That at some day I wanted to come back to work at Payless.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it was in November then that they laid that big group of people off.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: And because of all of that, I got insurance, I got severance pay, I got things that I wouldn't have gotten if I had retired.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: So God was absolutely taking care of.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: But I had the insurance that was taking care of Tom was through payless.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: So, and of course, Medicare.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: So I really didn't have a choice.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, and I I know now that it was God nudging me.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: Do not quit.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: Do not quit.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: During the following months, Tom experienced many health issues.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: And there was a couple of times that his blood sugar, he was diabetic.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: His blood sugar dropped very low, and uh he started, his eyes would roll in his head, so they had to get him some sugar immediately to get him back.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: And um they pumped him so full of liquids, he uh blood and other fluids that it overwhelmed his heart.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: Um it built up fluid around his heart and it overwhelmed his heart.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um and the radiation had started to shrink the tumor and it was doing well, he was feeling a lot less pain.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um the surgery was scheduled for spring break that March, but the week before that he developed influenza A.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: So they had to postpone his surgery.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: So on his birthday, and here's a picture, he was finally able to have surgery.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: And we had a big party at KU.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: They even gave him a cupcake, we had cake.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: They all signed his floor, all signed notes and everything to him.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: Uh they just really made him feel very special.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: So he did have his surgery on his birthday, April 7th.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um, the radiation had shrunk the tumor, and the surgeon was able to remove it completely as far as they could tell.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: The tumor had actually laid right up against his bone, right back here, but it was mainly just in the tissues.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna move that to this picture for the moment.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: So Tom was able to come home right before July 4th, and we were both so excited.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: He adjusted very well to being home.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: He was so happy, and so was I.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I want to back up a minute.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I had a gentle nudging ever since I agreed to talk.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: I I found this little book, and I was keeping notes in it while we were at KU in different places, and it's called Stay Positive.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: Hope is believing that miracles are possible.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: So I opened it up to the week that he had his surgery, and here are some of the thoughts I wrote down.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: In Christ we have everything.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: Be still and seek Christ.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: Seek Christ.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: Let Christ fill us with love, joy, peace.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: Trust Christ to provide us with the strength we need.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: Be thankful for what Christ gives to us each day.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: Seek the Lord and his strength, seek his presence continually.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: That was on the actual day of his surgery.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: I am with you always.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: Whisper but whisper my name when you feel far from me, and turn to Jesus, bringing them yourself and your problems.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um those were the thoughts.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: And what was interesting, and I I I I didn't, it looks like after he came home I didn't do much writing, so it must have been mainly while I was in the hospital.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: We felt that things were going to get better from that point on, however, it was not meant to be.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: Early on at KU, a PET scan revealed that the cancer had not spread, which was great news.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: As a follow-up, the doc doctor requested another PET scan, and this was in August.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: The insurance did not approve it.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: So they did another type of scan, and a bone test was done.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: The results show that a small spot in his liver had gone from two to eight centimeters.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I knew it, the doctor knew it, but I had not told him until we got to KU, and the KU doctor told him.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: And it was, I know it was a shock to him, but I didn't have the heart to tell him, I couldn't tell him.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: So the doctor at KU performed a biopsy to determine the stage of the cancer.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: It was stage four, was how do you say that, meta metastatic metastatic?
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: And it spread from the sarcoma to the liver.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: The bone test that they did found that there was no cancer in his bones.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: And his prostrate readings they determined he had prostate cancer also.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: That was um early on when they first discovered that he had the sarcoma that he had prostrate cancer, and his readings were zero.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: At this point, our care was turned over to our cancer doctor here in Topeka.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: The doctor said he had a year or less left to live and that chemotherapy would only add about six more months to his life.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: He made the decision to not have chemotherapy, but to live out his life quietly at home.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: And he entered hospice on October the 19th and passed away on December 19th.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to say, hospice at home is wonderful.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um it just it gives a person a chance to to be at home, you to be there with them, and I would advise I would recommend it to anybody that has to go through that.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: You might ask why I'm telling you this story.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it's so I can be an encouragement to others in this journey of life and circumstances.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: I know that a lot of us have lost our husbands recently, some to cancer and some to sudden death.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: The hardest thing I had to do was say goodbye to Tom.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: He also told me the worst part of dying was leaving me behind.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: During this year, from October 2016 through December 2017, I lost my mother, learning Tom had cancer, losing my job at Payless in November, and Tom's death in December.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: Going through grief is hard.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: Whether you've lost a spouse, a child, a father, mother, or other family members or friends, or even a job, it is at this point we can go two directions.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: We can become closer to God and develop a deeper relationship or go astray if we allow the anger, the bitterness, and loss to overtake our lives.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: And depression can settle in.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I know I have fought a few depressing, very depressing days since Tom's death.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: I firmly believe that depression is one of the emotions that Satan uses as a tool in our life to keep us from God.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: I firmly believe that.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: During this time, I claimed several verses that I've clung to since Tom's death.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: Isaiah 41, 10.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: So do not fear, for I am with you.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: I will strengthen you and help you.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: And Romans 15, 13, I pray that the God who gives hope will fill you with much joy and peace while you trust in him.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: Then your hope will overflow by the power of the Holy Spirit.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: After Tom died, two different people mentioned to me joy and peace.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: One couple friend from TBC mentioned that they were praying for God's presence and for joy and peace to shine even brighter in my life in 2018.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: Another family friend from Western Kansas said, Tom would want you to find joy and peace in your life.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: So I decided right then and there, as I faced 2018 without Tom being here on the earth, that joy and peace were the two things that I wanted in 2018.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: Do I still shed tears?
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I shed tears every day.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: I have experienced all the emotion that a person going through grief experiences.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: But step by step and day by day, I have come before my God to ask him to help me, to be my guide, my rock, my shelter, my fortress, and my protector.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: In Psalms 91, 4 through 6, it says, God will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you can hide.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: His truth will be your shield and protection.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: You will not fear any danger by night or an arrow during the day.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: You will not be afraid of diseases that come in the dark or sickness that strikes at noon.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to talk about several things that have helped me to turn my focus back to God.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: And Grease Share is one thing.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: I attended Grease Share, I went through two sessions as much as I could.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: The first time I went all the way through, the second time I had surgery.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: So I've had just so and many of you know this, I've had two surgeries since my husband died.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: One on my left leg and one on my right leg within the last two years.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: And that can also cause depression to come your way.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: So grief share was one thing that was very helpful.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_00: The if gathering, and I know we've got if gathering come up, what is it, the 28th and 29th?
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: I would advise you to go to it if you've never been.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: And the Chrono Bible study helped me.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: I remember Patty told me after Tom died, she says, I really think the Bible study would be good for you this year, and it was.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: It was very good.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: I would recommend any Bible study here at TBC.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: They are so helpful.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: I remember one of the speakers at the F gathering was talking about how we should tell Jesus that we love him, even in the hard times.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: She asked each of us to think about when was the last time that we had told Jesus out loud that we loved him.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: I realized as I was listening to her, even though I loved Jesus with my whole heart, I had not told him that I loved him lately through all these difficult times.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: And so I stopped right there and there, then and there, and told him, I love you, Jesus.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: Other things that have helped is the support for my son and daughter-in-law, Kevin and Deborah.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: Many of you know them, my grandchildren Alex and Allie, my son Carl and his wife Donna, they live in Denver, immediate family members, other widows here in the church, and friends here at TBC.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not going to mention any names because I don't want to forget anybody, because all of you have played a very valuable part in my life and have helped with the healing in my life.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: I bought a plaque that hangs across my chair and says, Choose joy.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_00: I will always miss Tom and will always have tears, but I do have wonderful memories, and I want to share one of them with you.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: One of them is when we're driving in the car, and I'm driving, so I want you to know that.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: He he pretends to play the piano and he had a music degree, and he plays he had played almost, knew how to play almost every instrument, but he did play the piano.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: So when a real country western song with the uh boogie piano music would come on, he would sit there and he would go like this, and then he'd smile at me and he'd have a twinkle in his eye and he'd look at me.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: I can still see that when it comes on in the radio and I'm riding in the car.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: That is one of the memories I will always have that's just imprinted into my brain.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um I remember one day walking to my back door and it was a warm day, and looking out in the backyard and feeling God's peace, and that was in uh 2018.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_00: I knew that he was beginning to bring some healing to my broken heart.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_00: Amy Voskamp in her book and Bible study, 1000 Gifts, challenges us to think of all the gifts that God gives to us each and every day.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm presently working through that Bible study between I'm taking the chronology again, and um, so I'm doing both of those, but I would recommend it to anyone who's going through difficult circumstances.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_00: She tells us to count the gifts in her life.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_00: And here is a couple of gifts that came from my yard.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_00: So this was the Easter after Tom passed away, and those two junkles were there, and I thought it so reminded it was a gift to me from God, a reminder to me of the love that Tom and I had for each other.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: And this was during that same time frame, only a little bit later.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_00: This is a flower in my yard and the butterfly that was there.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_00: And um, I have a cardinal that loves to sing to me.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_00: And one day that he sang to me for over half an hour.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: I sat out on the porch and just listened to him sing.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and there were two cardinals sitting on a pole in the backyard.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_00: Those are all gifts that God has given me as treasures to remember that he is there for me each and every day, even though Tom is no longer there.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_00: I want to share a few more scriptures that have been very helpful to me.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_00: Psalm 16, 8, I keep the Lord before me always, because he is close by my side, I will not be hurt.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: And Psalms 27, 14, wait on the Lord, be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thy heart.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: Wait, I say on the Lord.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's not easy being alone and going through grief, as anyone who is in that situation will tell you, because you've lost a loved one.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_00: But God is there each step of the way.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_00: We just need to believe that and rely upon Him.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to share my story to be an encouragement to you, because I know we all have sadnesses and grief in our life.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: And what can we do to help those who are grieving?
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you can be there for them, you can listen to them and their memories, you can include them in activities, and you can go out to eat a meal together.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_00: A person cannot truly understand the depth of grief until they go through something like that.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_00: It is very easy for a widow to withdraw and to avoid going out.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_00: I know that this happened to me.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_00: Tom used to say I was such a social butterfly.
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm finding that I enjoy the quiet and solitude of my home.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_00: After we experience the death of a spouse, we do change.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: We try to establish a new normal.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_00: All the expressions of grief, the tears, the anger, the bitterness, questioning God, yelling at God, yelling at others.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_00: Widow's fog.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_00: I've had that many times.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_00: Lack of focus, and so on, are normal.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_00: That is why it is so important to turn to God during our grief.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_00: I pray that this has been an encouragement to you.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, God has a plan.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_00: If he brings you to it, he will see you through it.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_00: And that was a quote that I found at the KU Med when Tom and I were there.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_00: I will close with a verse that I mentioned before.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_00: Do not fear, for I am with you.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_00: Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_00: I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: I feel God has brought joy and peace back into my life.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_00: The word that I've chosen for 2020 is hope.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I really appreciate you thanking thanking or thank you for allowing me to share, and thank you for always being there with me as well.