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Learning to date again after dealing with a narcissist · The Mental Healness Podcast

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  Dating again after a toxic narcissistic relationship.
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  That's what we're talking about today, y'all.
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  If you're new here, my name is Lee Hammock.
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  I'm a clinically diagnosed narcissist and welcome to
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  another episode of The Narcissist Code.
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  So pow, bang, bang, pow. Welcome back, folks.
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  Yes, yes, yes. Dating again, dating, learning
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  to love again after a toxic relationship.
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  It's one of the main questions that I get.
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  Like, Lee, how do we start over? How do we trust again?
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  How do we, you know, love ourselves and things of that
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  nature? Like how do we know when we're
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  ready? You know what I mean?
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  A lot of people ask these questions because so many people
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  have been in toxic relationships that you are escaping, that you
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  are trying to survive, that you are trying to navigate and
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  things like that. So it makes sense that I get
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  this question a lot, right? So I would like to say you can
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  find love again after abuse, after domestic violence, after
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  toxic relationships, after narcissistic abuse, you can find
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  love again. You absolutely can.
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  Don't let anybody else, don't let anybody tell you otherwise
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  because it's absolutely possible.
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  So many people, I thought there's so many people who are
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  who are on the other side of toxic relationships that are
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  right now in healthy, happy relationships, healthy, happy
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  relationships that they did not think was possible.
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  You know, I I don't know how much ever do it again.
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  Lee married now babies on the way new families.
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  I didn't I didn't think I could do it yes, you can do it.
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  I've talked to so many people over the last three years that
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  have been in toxic relationship dynamics that have survived and
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  thrived into new relationships and a lot of none of them.
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  I can say this one. I can say this with all like
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  this is you know y'all know I don't like to speak in
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  absolutes. I do not speak in absolutes.
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  Y'all know I hate saying all, but this is one of those times
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  that I can say all every single person that I've dealt with that
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  has found love after a toxic relationship has not rushed into
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  a new relationship. They've taken their time.
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  They've absolutely taken their time to heal from the abuse, to
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  heal from the toxicity, to learn to live by yourself, to learn
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  how to love yourself more. They absolutely have.
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  There's not one person to say Lee I got I broke up yesterday.
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  I'm in a new relationship and I'm married and I'm have no,
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  every single one of them. Every single one of them would
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  know there's there's not been there's been no outliers.
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  I'm not saying that outliers don't exist.
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  I'm just saying that everyone I've encountered over the last
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  three years that I've coached or talked to or spoken with has
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  found, like I said, that has found love after relationship,
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  after narcissism has took their time.
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  I know it's scary as hell when you're leaving a toxic
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  relationship down there. I know, I y'all, I know, I know,
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  believe me, I know. It's scary and so it's hard to
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  deal with. It's hard to fathom getting out
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  of toxicity and trying to survive and trying to find
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  something else, right? It's hard as hell, I get it,
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  trust me. But there's so many toxic,
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  narcissistic people out here in the world.
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  They are waiting on you to get out of toxicity and rush into
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  something new. Because when you rush into new
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  relationships, when you rush into newness, you might miss
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  some more red flags. You might start to question
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  yourself. You might start to gaslight
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  yourself or start to think that you're overthinking things you
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  don't like. Before you can trust anybody
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  else to be in a relationship with, you have to learn how to
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  trust yourself. You have to trust you.
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  You absolutely have to trust yourself before you hop into a
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  new relationship. You Yeah, this is not yeah, this
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  is the not them. Is them near a non negotiable?
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  It's a non negotiable. You don't.
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  You have to trust yourself before you get out of here and
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  try to trust someone else. Believe.
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  How do I trust myself? Take some damn time to yourself
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  and get to learn, get to know you.
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  I'm not telling you to go on dates with yourself or by
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  yourself. I'm telling you to take your
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  time and get to know who. Get to know who you are right
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  now. Not who you were before the
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  relationship, not who you were before toxicity.
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  You can think about that, but who are you right now?
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  Who the hell are you right now after this relationship has
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  ended? Who are you right now?
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  What do you like to do? What do you love to do?
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  Not what you like to do. What do you love to do?
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  What? What gets you up in the morning?
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  What makes you smile when you think about it?
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  What does that to you right now? Not the and we're not saying
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  well, well, he actually the narcissist made me smile right
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  now. Right now we're not talking
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  about them. We're talking about right now,
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  in this moment, what makes you happy?
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  Learn what makes you happy. How the hell y'all, how the hell
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  is somebody else going to make you happy if you don't know what
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  makes you happy? How?
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  You got to learn how to make you.
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  You got to learn how to make yourself.
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  Happy you have to you have to. You have to be comfortable
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  within your own skin, within your own body.
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  You have to y'all, because if you don't, you're going to go
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  out here and you're going to find the worst person and you'll
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  be mad as hell. You think you, you think you're
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  scared. Date now after one narcissist,
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  wait till after two or three in a row.
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  Wait till how you you, you'll be sitting up in the damn corner
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  balled up like a little ball, rocking back and forth like oh
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  hell no, I ain't going back out there.
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  It's scary out there. The dating world is scary as
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  hell. You guys rocking like you know
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  like like you got a straight jacket on.
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  You can be rocking back and forth looking crazy as hell
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  y'all, and that's what I'm saying right now.
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  This is your time to be by yourself.
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  This is your time to learn how to love yourself.
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  This is your time like seriously, this is your time
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  right now learn to love you, learn how to give back to you,
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  learn how to nurture yourself, learn how to love you and
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  balance yourself. Y'all find some love within
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  yourself. You have to because if you
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  don't, you're going to end up in another toxic relationship.
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  You're going to blame yourself and you're going to beat the
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  hell, you're going to beat yourself up.
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  We're not doing it this year, y'all.
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  We're not doing that no more. So when you're getting out of a
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  toxic relationship, you have to heal.
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  Give yourself time. Doctor Romney said you got to
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  give yourself at least a year. I think it's just this is what
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  people, people have quoted Dr. Romney on saying is I, I, I
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  don't think I've actually heard her say this, but people have
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  quoted repeatedly she said either a year or two years of
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  being single. I'm not saying to take that
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  long. I know of you, Lee, two years of
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  being single. What?
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  I'm not saying to do that, y'all?
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  I'm not saying to do that. I'm saying take your time and
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  you're, you'll know when you're ready, right?
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  You will know when you're ready. Take your time.
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  Like Lee. How do I know when I'm ready?
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  I think one of the most telltale signs that you're ready to date
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  again is when you build, when you are not afraid to walk away.
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  I feel like that's one of the greatest signs right there.
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  When you was like, hell, no, beep you.
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  I'm out of here. First date, first date.
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  You see, like the first date, you see one of these, you like,
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  hell no. What's this?
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  Is this a red? It's a red flag, ain't it?
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  Hell no. I'm out of here.
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  You leave. You're not.
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  You know when you're ready, when you're not afraid to walk away
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  from something that makes you uncomfortable.
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  You know you're ready when you're not afraid to set a
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  boundary. You know you're not.
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  You know you're ready when you're not afraid to say no,
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  regardless of how they make their person feel.
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  You know you're ready when you are not afraid to put yourself
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  first in this situation, man, hell no.
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  I'll cover my half, thanks. I'm out of here.
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  Peace, peace, peace, peace. Roy, don't be afraid to get a
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  block away. Hey, thanks for the thanks for
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  taking me out tonight. But let's go our separate ways.
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  Of course, be safe. Y'all know something about her
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  crazy and don't like. They don't like to take no for
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  an answer. They they, they because they
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  spent money on you, they deserve access to you or whatever.
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  I gave you 20. I spent $20 on that Uber.
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  I'm getting some cheeks tonight. No, the hell you not.
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  Bye. Bye.
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  Take your time y'all trust yourself, love yourself, do some
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  self love stuff, take a trip by yourself.
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  You have to feel comfortable by yourself before you can be
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  comfortable with somebody else. You have because I talked to so
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  many people that the reason that they that they stay in toxic
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  relationships or the reason that they go back into toxic
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  relationships is because they don't feel they are afraid to be
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  by themselves like well Lee, honestly, I'm afraid to be by
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  I'm afraid to be by myself. So when you get over, when you
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  get into this relationship and you're afraid to be by yourself,
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  you're going to ruin the, the, the if you're afraid to be by
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  yourself that you are more apt to look over and let a toxic
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  narcissistic person abuse you in a, in a relationship, you just
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  are. You'll miss out on so many
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  opportunities because you'll miss out on so many
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  opportunities because you, you think you need this person.
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  I'm afraid to be by myself, so I'm going to forgive this person
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  for cheating. I'm afraid to be by myself, so
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  I'm going to forgive or overlook this person putting their hands
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  on me or threatening to put their hands on me or throwing
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  something at me. I'm going to overlook this
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  person consistently raising their voice at me.
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  I'm going to overlook this person gaslighting me,
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  gaslighting me beyond belief. I'm going to overlook this type
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  of stuff. No, we're not overlooking that
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  type of stuff. No more.
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  No more to learn you to learning to love again after narcissism
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  requires you learning to love yourself after narcissism,
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  right? That's a requirement.
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  That's a prerequisite. That's a prerequisite.
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  It is. You have to learn to love you.
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  You have to learn to to be you. You have to learn to absorb
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  yourself and to love yourself and to trust yourself.
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  You have to learn this. This is part of healing.
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  This is part of growth. This is part of development.
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  It really is, it's part of you. You have to y'all and know what
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  I'm like. I feel like I have to say this
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  as well. Y'all, when you are healing and
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  growing, don't let the person that hurt you back into your
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  life. Just because you've healed and
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  grown doesn't mean that they've put any type of work in.
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  Just because you have healed and grown and done the work on
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  yourself doesn't mean that they have don't get into your mind as
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  well. Well, Lee, well, I feel like
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  I've put a lot of work in on myself, so maybe they have too.
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  No, they haven't. They haven't.
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  You have. And just because you put work in
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  on yourself doesn't mean you, some people think because you
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  worked on yourself, you can tolerate a little bit, little
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  bit more. Well, I've worked on myself now.
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  I can accept this right here. Know the hell you cannot.
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  Know the hell you will not. You see what I'm saying?
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  No, you cannot. No, you will not.
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  We're not accepting. We're not tolerating the BS.
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  We're not accepting. We're not tolerating the
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  craziness. No, if you're not going back to
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  the same person and forgiving them and allowing any more
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  abusive toxic gas behaviors, no more.
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  We're not doing it, y'all. So I hope this video bought
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  y'all some. Bring y'all some clarity because
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  you can find love again, y'all. There's so many examples of
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  people that I know that I've encountered, that I've coached,
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  that have found love again and they're happy.
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  They're happy, yes. Do they have times when the
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  narcissistic person pops into their mind?
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  Yes. I feel like this human nature
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  when you dated somebody for 10 years, that person to pop up to
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  your mind every once in a while. I feel like that's that's human
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  nature. You might think about your ex.
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  It doesn't mean you're not over them.
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  You know what I mean? You they might pop up to your
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  head. You might smell, you might walk
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  by, you might something might trigger a memory of them.
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  Like you might walk by a dumpster and like, damn, it made
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  me think about my ex. You might walk by a smelly pile
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  of dog crap. Damn, what am I what my ex is
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  doing that might make you think about your ex.
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  You know what I mean? So drop a dog dog, drop the dog
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  poop. Drop the poop.
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  Some emoji in the comment section.
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  You made it this far. Y'all make sure you like and
• 12:26
  subscribe to the channel. Check out my support groups
• 12:28
  because like that. Yeah, in in my support groups,
• 12:30
  the mental healers, there are so many people in there who found
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  who who are going through the same thing that you are right
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  now. They are transitioning from the
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  toxic race relationship to being by themselves for a little
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  while. And that's what the support
• 12:42
  groups help you do to help you understand what you've been
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  through and help you know that you're not the only person
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  that's going through it as well. So courses.mentalillness.net, I
• 12:50
  will see y'all in the next video.
• 12:51
  Make sure you subscribe to this one.
• 12:52
  Mental illness is out. Peace.
• 12:54
  Thank you so much for making it to the end of my video.
• 12:56
  I am extremely grateful for you. Have no idea.
• 12:59
  If you haven't already, make sure you go ahead and subscribe
• 13:00
  to the channel helps reach more people and click on the screen
• 13:03
  to watch another video or to browse through another playlist.
• 13:05
  There's also a link on the screen to check out my courses
• 13:08
  and my support groups to help you heal and understand what
• 13:10
  you've been through. Thank you so much again.
• 13:12
  I will see you in the next video.
• 13:14
  Peace.