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Sober-Talk-SA-Tuija · Sober Talk SA

• 0:00
  Thank you, Dennis, for inviting me to share some of my story.
• 0:04
  It's a privilege to be able to share some of my experience,
• 0:08
  strength and hope my name is Toya.
• 0:11
  I'm a recovered alcoholic. My sobriety date is the 26th of
• 0:14
  March 1994. I am grateful that I have not
• 0:20
  needed to pick up a drink of alcohol since my first meeting
• 0:24
  on that day. And as I was promised at that
• 0:28
  meeting, you can leave this room.
• 0:30
  You need never drink again. If you so desire, like first
• 0:34
  heard about 12 step programs when I was about 14 and it was
• 0:38
  suggested to me that I go to alateen, I was already drinking
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  by them and hiding it lying about it being secretive.
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  So my parents wouldn't know, I did come home, drunk one night
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  and they were very angry with me, but when it was suggested
• 0:56
  that I go to alateen, I was angry and said, no, he's the
• 1:00
  problem if he stopped drinking everything would be okay.
• 1:04
  And a counselor or whoever it was that visited our home said.
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  No. It's not about your drinking.
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  It's because your father drinks. And again I was very angry then
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  and and refused to go to ality Simply believing that if my
• 1:20
  father stop drinking, everything would be okay.
• 1:24
  I had been a straight-A student when I started high school but
• 1:29
  by the age of 13 or 14, I was binge drinking every weekend and
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  you using other substances as well.
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  I left High School to work at a government agency around about
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  the age of 17 and left that job. After not very long to go around
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  Australia with a boyfriend, at the time, thinking it would be
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  different over there. I didn't see many of the usual
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  tourist, attractions, the places I went.
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  Basically, what I knew about South Australia, was they drank
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  Cooper's Victoria, BB, and Victoria for eggs in Queensland
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  and the Darwin stubbies up in the Northern Territory and
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  worked in. I wasn't a daily drinker.
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  So, for many years, I didn't think I could possibly be an
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  alcoholic. I had a checklist of things that
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  made me different. Didn't drink in the morning.
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  Didn't drink everyday. I was too smart.
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  I was too young and so on. However, the period of time, I
• 2:35
  lived in the Northern Territory for about five months around the
• 2:38
  age of 18 or 19. I drank every day.
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  One of my rules around alcohol was that?
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  If you're on holidays, it's okay to drink every day and I was on
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  a say a working holiday, I had a part-time job at the post office
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  up there which I really We enjoyed and I also enjoyed
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  drinking every day. I had a couple of I blacked out
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  one day in the in a caravan Park I'd been out in the sun in the
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  hot sun and well I've been under the shade but it was a hot day
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  and I had been drinking that morning already took some other
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  substances And literally collapsed and there was an old
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  88 Olden, our car. And when I fell down, I came to
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  with some people looking down at me, with worried, looks on their
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  faces and they said, my head had only just missed the bumper bar
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  of that eh old, and if I just brushed it off, as one of these
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  things that happens and I always had a fear that when I went out
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  to places to parties. They wouldn't be enough alcohol.
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  So I would drink before I went, or I'd take my own drinks and
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  made sure that I got my fair share one night.
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  We've been to a party up there in Darwin and I asked, of
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  course, you know, he is there going to be alcohol.
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  Bear, how much alcohol do we have to bring our own?
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  And they said no, no, they'll be punch there.
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  That's fine. And I figured nobody ever made
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  punch strong enough or there wasn't enough.
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  So I took a large bottle of vodka with me me and be the kind
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  of selfish greedy drunk that I was, I clung to that bottle and
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  was reluctant to share it with anyone.
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  I recall, maybe putting a little bit of it in the punch, but
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  fearing that others would drink the punch.
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  I continue to drink from that bottle of vodka and I came to in
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  the Caravan the next morning again, people looking over me.
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  Worried and my boyfriend said last night, you said you were
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  never going to drink again. And I immediately backtracked on
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  that and said no no no I don't think you know I wouldn't have
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  said that. No no no I'll never drink Vodka
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  again, that's it. And for the next four or five
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  years, my drinking continued in that kind of a pattern, kind of
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  came back to Perth and it was night clubs parties pubs.
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  I didn't think I was an alcoholic, I thought I was a
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  social Drinker because I never sat at home alone drink Aching.
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  And I had asked my mother why my father drank at home alone like
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  that. And she said, he did used to
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  drink with people, but he had drank people out of his life
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  over time and and I was fortunate in my job at that
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  time. It was very difficult to get
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  sacked from the place. I worked, one time I was
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  overlooked for a promotion and I was most indignant about that
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  when I ask for Feedback. Why didn't I get the job?
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  Which I felt should have been mine?
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  I was told, but I took too many sick days again in my
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  entitlement and arrogance was very indignant and said, well, I
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  had a doctor's note for all those times and I've got a
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  transfer to a different department, So my drinking went
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  on like this, lost my driver's license for drink-driving at one
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  point and there was a couple of other charges related to that
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  incident and I tried, I felt this increasing unhappiness and
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  darkness and depression and loneliness and discontent this
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  contentedness. I used to blow my boyfriend for
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  that. He also was heavily into alcohol
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  and other substances and and I just blamed him.
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  I thought it was all his fault. I didn't realize then, but I had
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  made him my higher power and made him responsible. finally,
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  at the end of my drinking, I Yeah, I tried the counselors
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  psychologists self-help books, joined the gym.
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  Became a vegetarian. Tried to find mr.
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  Right thought Matt, what if I had better Furniture, I don't
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  know. But I do I knew somehow that
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  none of these things were going to make any difference.
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  I tried to find help through religion.
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  I'd gone to a church and it just made me feel worse about myself.
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  I saw all these Shiny Happy People who looked like, good and
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  nice people. And I felt so terrible inside
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  and I knew I wasn't living life the right way.
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  Drunkenness sometimes having jekyll-and-hyde personality
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  changes and so on I wasn't proud of myself and And I wanted my
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  mom to be proud of me and so I hid it from her, I led a double
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  life. I went to work Monday to Friday
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  9 to 5 immaculately dressed immaculately made up, but on the
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  weekends it was a booze and drugs.
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  Free-for-all and I hid that from my mum but she knew something
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  was wrong, but for some reason she didn't ever confronted me
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  about it, she never asked me what was wrong.
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  She would lend me money to see me through to Payday and I
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  always paid it back again adjusted.
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  Sighing that it's not a problem. I always pay it back.
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  However, when I finally hit that last Rock, Bottom on the 26th of
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  March 1994, again, I'd come to out of a blackout and I was
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  terrified and I realized that I can't go on like this, something
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  has to happen. I didn't know what it would be,
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  and I said to my mum, I I have a drinking problem.
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  I think I'm an alcoholic and with that the floodgates opened,
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  and I was sobbing and Howling crying because to be an
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  alcoholic, was the last thing in the world, I wanted to be hated
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  alcoholics. I felt contempt for them.
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  I thought they were nasty stupid, weak people, and I can't
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  be in that category. My mum said, I can't help you.
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  If you want help, you have to get help for yourself.
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  She gave me the phone book gave me the number of a telephone
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  Alcohol and drug counseling line.
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  I rang that number. It was a Saturday.
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  I was hungover and I said, I think I'm an alcoholic and I was
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  terrified because I didn't want to be an alcoholic.
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  And he said, don't be too quick to label yourself and that
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  struck fear into me. If I'm not an alcoholic, then
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  what's wrong with me? He said, perhaps you'd better
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  give a or call. I was getting a bit short with
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  him. I was very, very sick, very
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  hungover and frightened terrified. if I'd what might be
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  wrong with me, Necesito got to my first meeting of Alcoholics
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  Anonymous, that night 26th of March 1994.
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  I have not needed to drink since such as the power of this
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  program. And so much has been given to me
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  since then. By the grace of God.
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  And I say, the grace of God, meaning the god of my
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  understanding, my own higher power, not a god of religion but
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  my very own personal belief in a power greater than myself and a
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  week or two before I'd arrived at that meeting.
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  I had prayed to something someone whatever's out there.
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  Why am I here? If I'm on this Earth just to
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  work to earn money to back to pay bills and buy material
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  Goods. If That's it, I'm out.
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  I'm not doing it, that's not good enough.
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  I was really searching for meaning and purpose in my life
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  and I was very disconnected alone lonely.
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  Despairing full of self-pity. I didn't see that at the time.
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  I didn't know this was my poisons.
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  Self-pity selfishness self-centeredness.
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  I've only learned that since coming to the rooms of
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  Alcoholics Anonymous and I've heard that the truth will set
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  you free, so it's not a negative thing for me to have a look at
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  myself to take a good, long hard, look in the mirror and to
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  clear away that wreckage of the past to see where I've been at
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  fault and to quit playing the blame game.
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  I was blamed my parents, I blamed other people.
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  I blame the teachers blade. My boyfriend blaming my friends,
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  but in the end there was no one left for me.
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  My world had shrunk down to just me, thank God my mum had stuck
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  in there with me and so I've caught a bus into train to cross
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  to the other side of the city to attend that first meeting of
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  Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn't want anyone to see me
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  walking into an AA meeting, but I had been in a blackout on the
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  streets of Perth and I before, and No one could have seen me
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  and my bad behavior. And so it was a relief to find
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  out in Alcoholics Anonymous. That I'm not a bad person.
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  I'm a sick person. And I have an allergy to
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  alcohol. Once I start, I can't stop it.
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  Sets off the phenomenon of craving, so if I don't pick up
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  that first drink I can't get drunk but what precedes that
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  first drink because I'm sober all dry if you like before.
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  I take that first drink. So with these binges, I might go
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  For two or three with that weeks without drinking functioning
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  seemingly like other people showing up for work, paying my
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  bills and so on. But inside, I was dying
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  mentally, emotionally, and spiritually bankrupt.
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  I have? No, I had nothing to give anyone
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  and I thought everyone had to give to me.
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  And so it isn't really a self-help program, it's a self
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  help others program. And it was suggested to me to do
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  90 meetings, in 90 days in the beginning.
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  And I thought that sounded extreme.
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  I didn't even drink. Everyday, why should I do a
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  meeting every day? But something told me that my
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  thinking wasn't to be trusted and all my efforts my throughout
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  my 12-year drinking career. At brought me to Ground, Zero
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  had had a mounted in nothing. Nothing of any substance or
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  Worth or meaning beyond the material.
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  So I became teachable and open-minded and I started
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  attending meetings every day. I found a sponsor just like, in
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  other areas of life, in business, or education people
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  have mentors coaches. And in Alcoholics Anonymous, we
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  have a sponsor someone who will take the time to pass on to me
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  freely. What was given to them?
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  And take me through this 12-step recovery program.
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  So, I had done, step one completed, step, one on that.
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  First day, I've given up the fight.
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  Ended this many paradoxes in a. And that first Paradox happens
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  happens as step one surrender to win and then find a connection
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  to a power greater than myself through the steps.
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  And someone said once that the unexamined life is not worth
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  living, how fortunate I am. I through no virtue of my own to
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  be brought into this beautiful way of life, which involves
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  daily examination of my life and myself.
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  And my attitudes, it's and seeking correction through a
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  power greater than myself and application of spiritual
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  principles. Such as love.
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  Patience, tolerance, forgiveness, kindness,
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  understanding service, to others.
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  And so initially I booked it this house cleaning his personal
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  house, cleaning this inventory, taking I balked at that, I
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  feared what I would find would be too ugly.
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  I can't possibly face it. And there were some in the rooms
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  who suggested taking your time, don't go rushing into the steps
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  but that doesn't make sense to me.
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  Because if I'm at step one, I have a mess.
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  I need to get out of this mess. How do I get out of this mess?
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  Firstly my cleaning up that wreckage from the past, so I
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  took that inventory. There's a warning in that you
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  know, basic text. The Big Book of Alcoholics
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  Anonymous. There's a warning in there that
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  says, if I don't do this house cleaning and share it with
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  another, I may not overcome drinking.
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  And the thought of going back to that hello came from terrified
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  me. So I did a first inventory and
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  shared it with an alcoholic priest.
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  There was a priest in the rooms at the time.
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  Father Dan. I shared my first step 5 with
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  him. And I made amends to the people,
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  I had harmed. And and now today I leave in a
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  relapse prevention, steps 10 11 and 12. 10 step 10.
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  I continue to take inventory, continue to have a look at
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  myself and try to weed out those deficiencies or problems that
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  could lead me back to drinking things like, resentment
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  selfishness Envy jealousy, fear anger.
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  If these things are left to Fester within me, they can lead
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  me back to drinking. It was really a revelation for
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  me to find out. That alcohol is not my problem.
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  My problem are all those poisons.
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  I just mentioned, and I can't afford to Foster or dwell on
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  these poisons because they can lead me back to drinking.
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  So through the step, 10 inventory process, I can see
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  these things. When they crop up I can ask my
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  higher power to remove the But I can also take active steps to
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  practice the opposite. If I am experiencing Envy, I can
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  practice gratitude for what I have rather than looking at what
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  I don't have. And rather than comparing myself
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  to others and to seeing what they have anger, we have anger
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  for a purpose, it's an energy. If I need to take action on some
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  injustice, then I need to do that.
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  However I can't hold grudges, I can't brood on things.
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  I I can't manufacture it manufacture and enlarge these
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  things in myself. They're dangerous and self-pity
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  again for me. The antidote of that is
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  gratitude. I can't afford self-pity and I
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  avoid it like the plague. Today, I simply won't allow any
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  self-pity into my life and in fact, when I look at the life
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  that I have today, it's a absolutely laughable to imagine
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  that I could even experienced any self-pity that education of
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  mine. That was Corrupted by my
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  alcoholism at a young age. I I was able to go to university
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  for the first time. I had a baby doll baby.
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  By that time she was two years old.
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  I was eight years sober and I went to University I didn't know
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  if I could do it or not and in fact when I first started
• 17:32
  reading a big book, I was scared, I might have done
• 17:35
  permanent damage to myself to my brain.
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  I had I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't read more than one or
• 17:40
  two paragraphs and I'd get lost and have to go back to the
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  beginning and read it again. But a a has taught me that one
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  day at a time. One step, at a time.
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  Anything. Is achievable.
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  So I started out at University and thought, well, I'll give it
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  a go and see what happens. And if it doesn't work out, at
• 17:57
  least I tried. And and I remember sitting at
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  the very front of that large lecture hall with my baby in the
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  pram and I had tears in my eyes, finally, I'm here.
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  I'm actually at University, it was a big, big deal for me.
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  And from start to finish, I did a bachelor's degree, post
• 18:17
  graduate diploma and a master's degree.
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  University from start to finish it, took 17 years and that's
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  fine. It's okay.
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  One day at a time, anything is achievable.
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  If I just keeps showing up and so I have a career today that
• 18:33
  I'm very, very grateful to Alcoholics Anonymous for because
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  when I went to UNI, I got a mental, I thought.
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  Wow, they were offering new students mentorship and I AAA
• 18:44
  has taught me. Yeah, I don't do anything by
• 18:46
  myself. I get I take advantage of all
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  the help that's offered to me whether it's at Uni at
• 18:52
  Alcoholics Anonymous work anywhere.
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  My pride doesn't get in the way false Pride can kill me.
• 19:00
  I'm not scared to ask for help today.
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  Still even at 29 years sober, I don't hesitate if I need help,
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  I'll ask for it. I will share with my sponsor and
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  sponsee these and fellows. My beautiful daughter who's 23
• 19:14
  years old and also has been sober for three and a half years
• 19:18
  now has never seen me. Drink and we have this beautiful
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  program of recovery that we can share together and I'm grateful
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  for that. I'm grateful that AAA has taught
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  me to live. And I life that life is about so
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  much more than not drinking. If this was just about not
• 19:36
  drinking and having that same life that I had back, then it's
• 19:40
  not what I wanted. I had to have something
• 19:42
  different and it has been given to me in Alcoholics Anonymous.
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  So when I had cried out to God, why have you put me here Within
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  a week or two, I'd found myself in the meeting of Alcoholics
• 19:54
  Anonymous and somewhere within those first few days, it's a
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  portion out of our basic text read at each meeting, how it
• 20:03
  works, and step 12 of how it works is having had a spiritual
• 20:08
  awakening as the result of these steps.
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  We tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice
• 20:14
  these principles in all our Affairs.
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  And there was the answer to my crying out.
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  Out to God. Why have you put me here?
• 20:22
  I saw it get sober. Stay sober.
• 20:25
  Help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.
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  That's my purpose in life. There's my meaning, that's my
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  mission and it's something I feel very, very passionate
• 20:34
  about. I love Alcoholics Anonymous and
• 20:37
  I try to carry this message today in any way I possibly can.
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  And so it's my hope today, that by my sharing, some of my story,
• 20:46
  some of my experience strength and hope it might help someone
• 20:49
  somewhere. Thank you for listening.
• 20:50
  Thank you for listening.