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Support Through The Emotional Hurricane Of Divorce · The D Shift

• 0:05
  Mardi Winder-Adams: Welcome to the D ship podcast, where we provide inspiration, motivation and education to help you transition from the challenges of divorce to discover the freedom and ability to live life on your own terms. Are you ready? Let's get the shift started. Hi. And I would like to welcome you to our conversation today. And we have a wonderful friend of mine, Nanette Murphy . And she is here to talk to us about a really important part of the divorce process. And that is a divorce and health coach who specializes in working with women. So we have a, we have a similar background, and we've had a great conversation men and a couple of events. And so Nanette Welcome. I'm really glad to have you here today. Thank you.
• 0:55
  Nanette D-Murphy: Thank you so very much. I'm so honored to be here. And in excited this is pretty much my first time of doing a recorded for a podcast. So Right.
• 1:04
  Mardi Winder-Adams: So we get to we get to experience this together. So that is terrific. So tell us a little bit about your area of expertise. I tasted a bit, but I'd like you to get a little bit more into this. Maybe tell us a little bit of your story. Sure,
• 1:18
  Nanette D-Murphy: um, my story, while my story began my story of heartbreak again about 12 years ago. But let's fast forward to 2020 when the world was in its misery, I guess, for lack of better word. From that point of, you know, in a nutshell, I became a certified life and health coach. I was I just felt that it was my calling, actually I through classes that I took. And it was a process that unfolded. And now, you know, when in 2021, I was introduced to the fact that divorce coaching was a thing, which, gosh, I wish I would have known about that 12 years ago. But regardless, I decided to focus my attention on divorce, divorcing women, because I'm divorcing women who are over 40 over 45, because that's where I was when I went through this. So I'm not book smart. I'm street smart, unfortunately, on that topic. With that, I felt that health, bringing my health certification into it. And my own personal journey of self care was really, really important. And in the last six months, it's been clear to me that there's a lot of women in my situation who are divorced later in life. And that, like many women, whether you're a stay home mom, or you have a, you know, career, we don't tend to take care of ourselves. And then when you're thrown into this tornado, this hurricane of divorce, you really have to get your mind wrapped around things. And trust me, I made many mistakes on my divorce journey. And my purpose, as I like to call it, is to just help women get through that divorce process, but also take care of themselves. Like, it's not like, Oh, I'm gonna take care of myself, and then I'm gonna get divorced. No, it's a it's a, it's a work in progress, you have to start there. Like I just actually just wrote up a little article about it. So it's one step at a time, one day at a time, one mountain at a time. It keeps me awake at night now. Trying to figure out and trying to reach the women that need to hear what I have to say, and what I can do that for them to help them through this, because I'm not going to sugarcoat it, you know, it's not a fun, it's not a fun process. It's all it's, your mind is spinning most of the time. So when you learn self care, and I'd like to say I my I've kind of pink, this is my motto and helping them build their set of strengths, spiritual, emotional, and physical. You really, you really need all three in life. But when you're going through a troubling time, like divorce, it's imperative. And it took me my own path to figure it out. So now I really want to share this with other with other women. Well, what
• 4:41
  Mardi Winder-Adams: you said is so powerful because I see this all the time. I mean, most of my clients, most of my clients are entrepreneurs, executives, so they're they're running their own businesses or their leaders of teams or they're launching a new career or they're changing careers and they're dealing with the Family, they're taking care of the kids, there's been troubles in the relationship, which have got the stress ball going. And now that, you know, they're either they're considering divorce or, you know, there's been the divorce has been filed, or they're talking with their partner about divorce, that stress level is ratcheting up dramatically. So tell me a little bit, I always get such a kick out of this. How do you define self care, because I guarantee you it's not a glass of wine chocolates and a bubble bath, right? I mean, those are nice things, but let me they're not the central party. So tell
• 5:38
  Nanette D-Murphy: me a little bit about that. So my version of that is, again, spiritual, emotional, and physical, your spiritual, I like to say it's not your religion, what church you go to, it's finding that inner peace, that inner strength. And in order to find that, you have to learn to meditate, which I know scares a lot of people, and turns people off. But I've also say, call it breathwork. Call it learning to be present, be mindful, taking a moment to just shut your brain down. And when I you know, work with women, I teach them how to it's, it's just sometimes a matter of breathe in, breathe out. And you just say that over and over again, as you're breathing. And that's the beginning of meditation, it really is. And that, you know, your emotional strength. Don't we have to just rein in our patients sometimes, especially when we're divorcing, or you get that crazy text message from your soon to be ex, and you have to learn how to just really the old adage, count to 10. I like to use essential oils. And I'm telling you even I used to keep a vial of peppermint essential oil in my purse. And when I could feel my blood pressure rising a little bit on the palm of my hand, I would inhale it. And it wasn't magical, but it just helped me rein in that emotion, that reaction of wanting to scream. And then I, I was always wanting to go to the gym and workout. I just stepped it up. Try to try new things. And I know, you know, again, some people might go, Oh, I hate the gym, go for a walk, go for a bike ride. Buy yourself a pair of really cool hiking shoes, go go hiking somewhere. Yeah, I think there's like the, I can't even list all the things that you could possibly do. Yeah, being active doesn't mean going to the gym and wasting a gym membership that you never use, you know? Exactly. For me and being social, you know, don't don't retreat. I know, it's easy to sometimes not want to be with people not want to be with other couples, not what you know, just go. And I like to say step out of your box. There was never a time when I would ever want to walk into a restaurant, if you ever go to meet a friend to go for dinner. And you always wanted to make sure that they were there before you walked in. I can go and sit at a bar by myself now and have lunch maybe order a glass of wine, I don't know. But these things were just not things that I would do before. Right. And you honestly that to me, that's self care. Like yeah, just learning to like to be by yourself. The other thing that just came to my mind, adult coloring. I would go to bed at night. And that's what I would do. Well, you know, brainless TV was on? Right? It was meditative. Like meditating. Yeah, it was just calming. One thing I found that I couldn't do, but I can do now was yoga. Yoga, was just to give me too much time to think I prefer to go to kickboxing that way. It's just like more energy to release. But to me self care is all those little things go for a walk.
• 9:16
  Mardi Winder-Adams: Yeah. And so I love those examples that you gave, because that is my focus as well with my people is look, I don't care what you do, just do something. Because here's, here's one of the things that I hear all the time. Or how do you deal with this? Let me let me put you on the spot in it. How do you deal with this when you're talking to somebody now? Yeah, I'd really like to, especially women, I'd really like to be able to do that. But I work. I have to take care of my kids. I have to drive them to soccer practice. I have to go get groceries, I have to pay the bills. I have to take care of maybe my mother or father. I have to I have to I have to end there's all these myriad of things that they have to do. I don't have time for cell care
• 10:00
  Nanette D-Murphy: what how do you deal with that? bubkis You know what you can get up. You could get up a half an hour early in the morning. Yeah, sit with that coffee, feel the heat of it in your hands, smell it. There are moments or when you go to bed at night, sit in your bed and reflect. There are always if and if you're in the shower, you're always having a moment where you can, gosh, they've even got little shower pods where they smell like eucalyptus. Those are just moments where you can capture that really give you five minutes of just moments for yourself. Yeah. soccer practice, I bet you there's a mom or dad that will pick your child up once a week or once a month. That's it, yep, you're out to people, you've got to reach out to people, to the mom or dad a sister. You know, they'll they'll take the kids for an afternoon for you.
• 11:07
  There's, there's really, if you really want it, you'll be able to do it. So something else that I like to
• 11:15
  have kind of pegged as my a logo is. Healing is an active process doesn't just happen. You have got to be fully aware. And you have to be fully committed to taking care of yourself. I mean, unless you have an eight month old baby who can't do anything for themselves. If your kids, sometimes when you're going through these troubling times, your kids just have to be aware that Mommy needs 10 minutes. Yeah. And that's it. There's, you know, let's all have quiet time. Let's all sit down and read a book. They can read, you can journal. There's, you just have to take that moment to be creative. Think outside the box. And again, it doesn't happen overnight. But working with a coach, we can help them think of things that they never would have thought of. Right? Because their mind is swirling. There's so much going on. I still go through that I've had a crazy week haven't had. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything because I've had so much going on. That's my fault. I just need to refocus. Take a breath. And not be so hard on myself. Really. Exactly. Exactly.
• 12:32
  Mardi Winder-Adams: And you know, I love those ideas that you it is your responsibility to manage your own time. But but it can seem overwhelming. So you're right, talking to somebody and committing to a coach that you are going to spend 10 minutes four times a week reading something you enjoy, or going for a walk or even just now that the weather's you know this is getting to be the spring most parts of the country, just even going outside and enjoying a coffee on your deck or in your yard or on your apartment balcony. Those are all bets mindfulness, self care, decompression, whatever you want to call it. And the flipside of that is if you don't find the time to do it, your body is going to shut you down at some point in time.
• 13:23
  Nanette D-Murphy: Yes, it will, then you'll be sick in bed with the flu for a week because your body just Yeah, well. Well, your back somehow. You know, I used to I used to be like that when I was younger, I would get sick all the time. Knock on wood. I can't a bit I put this out into the universe, but I'm, I'm a healthy person. Yeah, person and I really eat well. I like a glass of wine on the weekends. It's Friday, I'm going to see my husband this afternoon and I'm gonna make him like we're doing something fun this afternoon because I've been at my desk 24/7 This week, so. And I was never like that I raised three kids. And my ex husband didn't drive anyone to any function. Unless I was just like, I can't do it, right? Like I can't. But I also look back and blame myself for that. Because I was not the strong person that I am today. And you really just have to take control of your life. Put your foot down. And that's it.
• 14:28
  Mardi Winder-Adams: And I love the whole idea of getting over the fact that you do not have to be supermom during a divorce. There is nothing wrong with saying I need some time for me. You are going to spend some time with your aunt, your uncle, your grandparents, you know you're going to spend Friday night and I'll pick you up Saturday afternoon and I'm just going to enjoy my time. Just just being able to focus on some things that I need to get done. And it's nice for your kids to do to have that experience to spend time with a friend or family member. Obviously, you don't want to do this all the time. I'm not suggesting that. But there's like you, I liked when you when we first started talking, you said, talk to somebody else about maybe setting up a carpool for soccer practice. So maybe you only have to drive once every two weeks rather than Yeah. I mean, no, just the initiative.
• 15:23
  Nanette D-Murphy: Yes, delegate. Because I know as I feel like, delegation is not our specialty as women as moms. We just feel like we have to do well, society has kind of made us feel like we have to do it all. Yeah, I was a stay at home mom, but I had a, I was in a million different directions all the time. blessed to be able to stay at home, but then at the same time I look back and go, you know, maybe it would have been not as stressful. You know, there's there's two sides to every story. But yes, it's just it's just all about taking control of your life, and your survival.
• 16:00
  Mardi Winder-Adams: So where do you see the biggest gap between what people women tend to know that they need to do and what they're actually doing like in this spiritual, emotional and physical side? Where do you is there one element that you see is more often kind of out of whack? For lack of a better word of putting it?
• 16:24
  Nanette D-Murphy: I don't know if there's a specifics. You know, maybe the spiritual side of it, because, you know, we live in a world that you don't mention, God and prayer and, like, to me, prayer, is meditation. When you talk to God, you're talking to the universe. That's what I mean, by that. You have to put your, your thoughts you have to manifesting is, you know, so it's becoming a more used term. Sure. Being positive. I think that is sometimes the hardest part for for people for women, especially when we're going through divorce. Yeah. Especially when you're the one if you're the one that was rejected. You know? Yeah, I think that that spiritual side that just realizing that you are enough, just because someone else doesn't want you doesn't matter why you're enough.
• 17:29
  Mardi Winder-Adams: That's, that's their that's their issue, not yours.
• 17:33
  Nanette D-Murphy: Yeah, totally. You know, we all do the best that we can. And, you know, if someone didn't have the ability to tell you that they weren't happy. Well, that's, that is on them. Yeah. So, you know, I think each element is, is got its own, you know, challenges. Sorry. Oh, there you go. Sorry, had a call. Okay. Um, so yeah, I think I would focus on when you ask the answering your question is probably the spiritual side, because that's looking into themselves, and really taking inventory.
• 18:23
  Mardi Winder-Adams: And this is, this is where, and I'm putting in a shameless plug for divorce coaches here. This is where having a divorce coach that you speak to every week or every other week, really helps you stay on track. And helps you develop a structure for how to do that based on all the the million obligations you have, and nobody's minimizing anything that you're doing. So it's not like adding one more thing to your already full plate. It is literally creating a more organized place so that there's more room for all parts of your life when you're when you're feeling connected. When you're able to not spend so much emotional and physical time worrying. Because you know, that there's you've got a plan, you feel confident, you feel I like to say aligned with your own sense of values. That's wonderful. Yeah. And you're like, Okay, this is not the best time of my life. But there's, there's an experience I'm going through, and I can get through it. And there's a light at the end of this tunnel, and it's getting bigger every day.
• 19:33
  Nanette D-Murphy: Yeah, yes. And you know, you talk about a light I have written about this, that, you know, once you're, once you're through your divorce and you're in and you're getting into a more comfortable routine with your new life. I like to say that you don't realize how dark it was until you're in that light and you look back at you know, oh my Gosh, I can't believe how dark it was right? Because usually when you're in it, you know, it's dark, but you're not really fully aware until that sun shines again. And I do like to say that, you know, the sun shines again, it does doesn't feel like it at times, that it will. But it does.
• 20:22
  Mardi Winder-Adams: And there I mean, you're absolutely right. And, and I think that, again, just having that person that's just there to help you even recognize that no matter how bad things may seem, there's something positive that happens every day. And when you go to bed at night, just having that mental replay to be able to say, Man, I really had a great experience with a co worker today. Or maybe it is, you know, my kid came up and ran and just hugged me in front of the whole school, and it just made my heart just about explode, you know that my team gave me a hug in front of their friends, or it doesn't matter what it is, it's personal to you. And you got to grab those things. And you've got to anchor yourself in them. Because if not it, it's just it is it's dark. It's a dark place when you're going through a divorce. But they're bending. But you can shine you can you can have a flashlight or a candle. So absolute of illumination. Really, there's
• 21:24
  Nanette D-Murphy: always a form of light somewhere.
• 21:27
  Mardi Winder-Adams: So didn't it I think we we've touched on a few things here. I'm wondering, is there something that you think is the kind of the top of the mind takeaway that you want people to remember from this conversation?
• 21:40
  Nanette D-Murphy: What comes to mind is be prepared. You know, divorce, it's not just about self care. But self care, will help you be prepared for all the other divorce game that are going to come about. And the all the people you have to hire and the paperwork that you have to do. If you're prepared physically, spiritually, emotionally and physically, then you can have the strength to get through all that other garbage, unfortunately, that you're going to have to deal with. Yeah, but I love that you're prepared is. Isn't that what?
• 22:25
  Mardi Winder-Adams: Who? Boy Scouts? I think it'd be. But But you're so right. It's that foundation. If you don't have that, then every time you get something coming at you, it's like, Whoa, I have no way to deal with this. Whereas if you have that sense of spirituality, emotional and physical balance, you're able to go, Okay, this is a bad thing. But I got it. I got it.
• 22:51
  Nanette D-Murphy: I got. Yeah, I got it. Do we deal with stuff like that every day? Your life? Great. Yeah. But it sure isn't without, you know, arrows coming at you every now and again.
• 23:03
  Mardi Winder-Adams: Yeah. And I think that's, that's true for everybody in every stage. So you are absolutely right, Nanette I happen to know something that I I know that you don't didn't talk about this earlier. But I want to bring it out. You are an author. So you can you tell us a little bit about what's going on for you. And in that area of your life.
• 23:21
  Nanette D-Murphy: I am and it's again, somewhere I did not anticipate being even even two years ago, but I am a published author on my own. And I have a book called shattered dreams and new beginnings. And it is my journey through heartbreak healing and growth. And fast forward to this past January. So this this Shattered Dreams was published last August. And I was given the opportunity to be author collaborating authors of a book called Invisible no more stepping into the spotlight. And we are actually just launched it today, which is really exciting. is currently just in digital form on King on Kindle, but you can you know, it's available worldwide. It's very, very cool. And it's a collaboration of authors who are written we've all written a chapter and it's about what invisible no more stepping into the spotlight means to us. And it is I've not read the entire book. I've read snippets from from each author and had you know heard interviews. It's incredible. The information, the stories that are in this book. So my book shattered dreams is available on my website and soon in a couple of weeks. Invisible no Marvel will be in paperback so I'll also have it well actually, it's all it is. It's really fascinating to me
• 25:00
  Mardi Winder-Adams: It is it is. And it's, and I think it's such such a valuable resource. So I wanted to make sure that people were aware that that you have those resources available for them. So when people do you mentioned your website, if people want to reach out and either get a copy of your book or learn more about what you do as a divorce Coach Ken, where would they go to find information or connect with you?
• 25:22
  Nanette D-Murphy: Yeah, they would go to live life now with purpose.com. And that has my Facebook page, my Instagram, I'm also on LinkedIn, for anybody who's you know, in the business business realm. You can go on and purchase shattered dreams. And again, invisible no more will eventually be on there when it's available and not in paperback. But yeah, exciting times. Yeah. Anytime. Wonderful. I
• 25:50
  Mardi Winder-Adams: 70. Need to hear this. Yeah.
• 25:53
  Nanette D-Murphy: Thank you, you never know when things will happen.
• 25:55
  Mardi Winder-Adams: I know. I know. It can happen really suddenly, too, and it does so. So I just want to let everybody know that in the show notes, all the links for it to get to get make reach out. I can't even speak right now. So to reach out to the net will be in there. And I am actually as soon as we get off this I'm going to get a copy of your book because I think it's something I would like to read. So Nick, thank you so much for your time and enjoy your book launch, wishing you all the success and I'm sure we will talk again soon in the future.
• 26:33
  Nanette D-Murphy: This has been amazing. So much.
• 26:35
  Mardi Winder-Adams: Thanks the net. Thanks for listening and supporting the GI Schiff podcast. If you would like to attend live trainings by our amazing guests, and have a chance to ask questions and get answers from our experts. Join the day shift crew. For more details and to sign up, head on over to www dot divorce coach for women and click on the podcast page.