Latest / The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast / 189. Your Husband Is Not A "Mind Reader".. And The Reasons Why You Need To Stop Expecting Him To Be One

Transcript

189. Your Husband Is Not A "Mind Reader".. And The Reasons Why You Need To Stop Expecting Him To Be One · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

0:00
Amy: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
0:07
Amy: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
0:16
Amy: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
0:24
Amy: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
0:59
Nick: We are going to have a pretty good discussion before we hit the record button.
1:04
Nick: We know this is not every relationship we are not picking on the wives and we also know that there are certain things that the husbands just need to do or should be doing.
1:41
Nick: We understand that.
1:45
Nick: What we want to start out by saying is we understand there are a lot of women out there that get frustrated because their husbands don't know what they want.
1:59
Nick: They don't know how they are feeling.
2:02
Nick: They expect their husbands to know just.
2:06
Nick: I guess that he should already know what to do or how to meet those needs.
2:13
Nick: There are a lot of husbands out there that don't have the mind reading abilities we don't, and sometimes we do stupid things.
2:21
Nick: But I think most of the husbands out there, if they just knew what their wife needed or how their wife felt, if their wife just expressed that to them rather than assuming that they should know it, could solve a ton of problems.
2:37
Nick: Amy is looking really serious over here.
2:46
Amy: This conversation is probably one of every married couples issues.
2:56
Nick: Absolutely, it's happening in our marriage.
2:58
Amy: We have thought about this.
2:59
Amy: We still have days where we disagree about this.
3:03
Amy: Every husband has been frustrated with this topic and every single wife has been frustrated with this topic.
3:12
Amy: Hopefully, I won't come across as siding with the wife on this one, because I definitely think there has to be a balance.
3:22
Amy: Oh or he's going to have different thoughts.
3:26
Nick: But we hear from a lot of women that say, well, I shouldn't have to tell my husband what to do.
3:31
Nick: He should already know what I need, or he should know how I'm feeling.
3:34
Nick: Why should I have to tell him?
3:35
Nick: Well, the truth is, your husband cannot read your mind and we are built differently.
3:41
Nick: We each have different perspectives.
3:43
Nick: We come from different backgrounds.
3:45
Nick: We see different things.
3:46
Nick: What a wife is seeing that's important in her life or her day to day things is different than what a husband is going to see.
3:55
Nick: That is okay.
3:56
Nick: Again, the purpose of this podcast is that your husband can't read your mind and you need to tell him what you need, what you desire, how you're feeling, what you need help around the house with.
4:10
Nick: Sometimes.
4:11
Nick: There are certain things that you guys should know that you need to do.
4:18
Nick: There are certain household things.
4:20
Nick: If the house is a disaster whiz, men should know that we need to help out with those things.
4:25
Nick: There's just certain things that are common sense.
4:29
Amy: Help out with those things, okay.
4:32
Nick: I'll work through those things.
4:34
Amy: See, this is where it begins.
4:36
Nick: Oh man, this is where it begins.
4:37
Nick: I might use my.
4:39
Amy: I need to help my wife with those things that are my responsibility.
4:42
Nick: Hold on, let me rewind, let me rewind, I'll cut that out.
4:45
Nick: We, as men, should just do Okay.
4:51
Amy: I want to put a disclaimer here really quick.
4:53
Amy: Okay, before we jump into this.
4:55
Nick: Another disclaimer.
4:55
Nick: We have the second disclaimer in the podcast episode.
4:58
Amy: Where do you give one?
5:00
Amy: I don't know I haven't given a disclaimer yet, have you?
5:02
Amy: I haven't?
5:03
Amy: I guess we kind of said that this might get heated.
5:05
Amy: I think that heated discussions in marriage are healthy.
5:10
Amy: So I don't mean heated as yelling and fighting, I mean heated as like going back and forth and really talking stuff out is very healthy for marriage.
5:18
Amy: Anyways, this is one of those conversations.
5:20
Amy: Hopefully in your marriage you can do that without taking it to the next level, right.
5:26
Amy: But what I wanted to say is my disclaimer is that every marriage is different and, as we talk about the different aspects, that this can happen in without expecting to migraine, whether it's the romance department, the sexual intimacy department or the household duties like those kind of things.
5:47
Nick: Or that my husband shouldn't spend as much time at work.
5:50
Nick: He should spend more time with the kids.
5:52
Amy: No matter what it is you got to express those things.
5:55
Amy: Yes.
5:55
Amy: So what I'm saying is that every marriage is different.
5:59
Amy: So in a marriage where, say, just the household tasks just for an example, just really quick when it comes to household tasks, in a marriage which is a lot of this conversation comes from right when, when wife say he shouldn't I, he let's see, I, I shouldn't have to keep telling him that I need certain things when it comes to household tasks and household responsibilities, that's going to look different for everybody.
6:28
Amy: Because when I was a stay at home mom, when I was having my babies, I was the mom of the house.
6:35
Amy: I, the house was my job, the kids and the house was my job.
6:39
Amy: Dinner on the table, the cleanup, those kind of things we had talked about in our marriage, that was my role, right, so I was more in charge of that.
6:50
Amy: Things have changed.
6:51
Amy: Where I started 100% in our marriage, taking over the financial responsibility at one time, right, for years.
7:00
Amy: So those roles changed.
7:02
Amy: So I can no longer, in that stage of my life, be expected to run the house, right, that is no longer.
7:10
Amy: That's now a combined activity, okay, and so what I'm saying is like, when mom's work or they stay at home, whatever that responsibility is needs to be discussed as a couple, but that this is where this conversation gets tricky.
7:26
Amy: So I just wanted to throw out that, as this conversation moves on and we talk about different perspectives and stuff and where the issues really come in this topic, remember that your household might be different than ours.
7:39
Nick: Yeah, everyone's everyone's gonna be totally different and that's why you need to talk about it, which we'll get into more, but I truly do feel this way that most husbands out there are good guys and truly want to make their wife happy.
7:56
Nick: They truly do.
7:57
Nick: I really believe that, like in most good marriages, the husband does want to make his wife happy and sometimes this can cause a lot of contention when, when a wife is not expressing her wants, her desires, her needs, her thoughts to her husband and just holding those, those frustrations and letting that build up, expecting that he should know her so well that he should just know exactly what to do, this can obviously cause a lot of problems and frustration on both sides, because the wife's building up and the husband's getting frustrated because he's like man, just just tell me what I want to help.
8:34
Amy: Just tell me what I can do to make things better this way or provide what you need in this aspect, whether it's your emotional needs or but this is where it gets tricky, because and I'm not saying all women are like this, I'm just saying the comments that we get, the messages that we get where women are frustrated in this topic is because why do I have to keep telling him?
8:56
Amy: I'm just saying what women tell us.
8:58
Amy: I doesn't he see that there's a mess in the house?
9:01
Amy: Doesn't he see that the kids need help with homework?
9:03
Amy: Doesn't he open his eyeballs when he walks in from work and and see that things need to be done?
9:09
Amy: Why do I have to tell him to walk to the sink or to sweep the floor or and and?
9:15
Amy: And this is like I said, like this depends on, like, what kind of roles you've decided in your marriage.
9:19
Amy: But the reason it gets tricky is because so many women are just like why do I have to keep telling him or reminding him that's where the nagging comes from too Like, why do I have to keep always telling my husband what to do?
9:33
Amy: He has eyeballs.
9:34
Amy: I'm just saying that's.
9:35
Amy: That's a lot of women's perspective.
9:37
Nick: And on the flip side, as a husband and we've again, we've dealt with this in our marriage it's so easy to just say, hey, nick, can you help me with this or can you do this.
9:47
Nick: I'm like, yeah, absolutely, like, absolutely, it's as easy as that.
9:51
Nick: And and so what took you two or three seconds to say completely diffuses and solves the situation.
9:58
Nick: Absolutely and and so we all know that most of us in relationships know exactly what Amy and I are talking about, right?
10:06
Nick: So I hope so it's a common problem, it's a common theme.
10:10
Nick: But let's dive into like why we, why you have to have that communication, why you can't just, you know, bottle things up and assume that your husband should know exactly how you're feeling and and what he needs to do, and things like that.
10:28
Nick: So I'm going to jump into that.
10:32
Amy: Sure, all right, do you want me to take it?
10:35
Nick: I think I'll start us off with the first one.
10:38
Nick: I mean, we're getting into the myths of why mind reading doesn't work and again talking about how we often feel like, oh, if we're in love and we're connected and we know each other, then he should anticipate my thoughts and my feelings and she should anticipate my thoughts and feelings, vice versa.
10:56
Nick: Right, we should just automatically know what each other needs, but that is not the case.
11:01
Nick: Here's why it's a myth.
11:04
Nick: First of all, we have different perspective on things.
11:07
Nick: We each grow up with unique experiences in our life.
11:10
Nick: We have different viewpoints and we're going to look at things a different way.
11:18
Nick: What might seem really obvious to one spouse might be completely off your husband's radar, or vice versa.
11:26
Nick: I mean, we're gonna look at things through our perspective as to what's important, what's not important, what needs to get done, what doesn't need to get done.
11:34
Nick: We had a comment of a husband state that you know he's always looking at things that his wife doesn't even think of.
11:42
Nick: Like he's checking the tires on the car, he's checking the brakes, he's checking the oil.
11:46
Nick: He's looking at things that are important that maybe his wife would never even think of, and the wife's looking at things that her husband would never even think of.
11:57
Nick: So they're looking at totally different perspectives or totally different things as to what they view is important to take care of.
12:05
Amy: So, like an example, nick has never in our marriage ever noticed how dirty the baseboards are, how dusty the ceiling fans are or how disgusting the stove top is on our gas stove.
12:23
Amy: You've never cleaned any of those things.
12:27
Nick: You would never notice.
12:29
Amy: So when Nick walks in the house and sees that everything's put away and looks tidy, he's like, oh, the house is spotless.
12:34
Amy: And I'm like, no, it's, it's disgusting.
12:37
Amy: Like there's, the floor needs to be mopped the round the toilets need to be mopped, the look inside the cabinets like they're sticky, like they need to be, like he would never notice those things, right.
12:49
Nick: Correct yeah.
12:49
Amy: You would never notice those things.
12:51
Amy: I well, I'm a little different because I do notice the car stuff and the garage stuff and the landscaping stuff, but a lot of men are going to look at those kind of things and not notice some.
13:01
Amy: So what it's saying is that I, maybe I'm cooking more, a lot more, in our marriage.
13:07
Amy: Yeah, and so I noticed those things in the kitchen, right?
13:10
Amy: That my husband's never going to notice, exactly you might be doing something more in the garage.
13:16
Amy: That's just just kind of like a typical marriage.
13:17
Amy: But I'm not going to say that, I'm not going to say that I'm going to be doing something in the garage, but I'm not going to notice the dust and filth on the shelves and like I'm just trying to give an example right, like, oh, the deep cleaning's done and you're just not noticing that.
13:33
Amy: So instead of me being disgusted that I'm like how can you not notice how filthy this one thing is, all I have to do is say, hey, on Saturday let's get the kids together and just really deep clean the kitchen.
13:45
Amy: Do you think that we could all pitch in?
13:47
Amy: Nick would be like yeah well, yeah, and it's not because it's my job, it's our job.
13:52
Amy: But if somebody notices something that needs to be done, you talk about it.
13:57
Amy: It's not because I'm the one in charge of cleaning the kitchen or he's in charge of the garage or the yard.
14:03
Amy: It's okay, I'll take this, or you take this, or just compile a list and work together, right?
14:10
Nick: Yeah, exactly.
14:11
Amy: What you're saying is that most husbands, if you make a list or say, hey, these are the kind of things that we need to knock out this week, can we do this together?
14:20
Amy: Can we involve the family?
14:22
Amy: A husband's going to be like, yeah, whatever you need, whatever you need help with.
14:24
Amy: Well, exactly, I didn't like that, right.
14:27
Nick: Exactly I was just going to get into.
14:28
Nick: That is that's kind of the way we're built.
14:31
Nick: Right Is like and that's why we're doing this podcast is many women just don't say things.
14:38
Nick: They bottle things in and assume he should know.
14:40
Amy: Well, they're fuming inside.
14:41
Nick: They're fuming inside and most husbands are, like just tell me what you need.
14:45
Nick: Like most husbands are pretty, I would say, really good at communication as far as like just tell me what you need and I'll do it and that happens in our marriage.
14:54
Nick: Like I'm just like Amy just tell me what you need and I'm happy to do it.
14:58
Amy: Nick is oblivious to like what an actual dirty is.
15:01
Amy: So, I have had to be better at communicating that right Exactly, I'm better at that.
15:08
Nick: I think a great example is like okay, like Amy may feel, like inside, that the toilets need to be cleaned once a week, right, I may believe that all the toilets need to be cleaned every two or three weeks or whatever.
15:21
Nick: I'm just throwing out an example and so you can see how this could cause an imbalance.
15:25
Nick: Is like Amy's?
15:26
Nick: Like well, the toilets are dirty, they need to be cleaned.
15:29
Nick: She's thinking this in her head.
15:31
Amy: Why doesn't he notice that?
15:32
Amy: Why doesn't?
15:32
Nick: he know that and in my head I'm thinking oh, we got a couple weeks, they aren't bad, right, like, and those are, and those are totally normal things.
15:39
Nick: That are just different perspectives, that that little thing could cause a big issue between a couple, whereas Amy just says hey, every week let's clean the toilets and let's, let's do chores on Saturday morning, which we do we do, together we do together and with our kids.
15:56
Nick: Things get done and then that problem's completely resolved because we talked about it.
16:01
Nick: Like it doesn't really matter what my perspective is, even if I think, oh, it's okay, for three weeks we've established that, hey, this is, this is what we're going to do and this is how we're going to do it, and we do it right.
16:12
Nick: We have different perspectives, but we get things done because we've talked about.
16:17
Amy: Well, and everyone comes from different backgrounds.
16:19
Amy: So one of you might be and I know we're just sticking on the household thing right now but one of you might come from an absolute disaster you grew up with, where nothing was super tidy or spotless.
16:29
Amy: And one person came from an OCD background.
16:32
Amy: Right, and they're like OCD and that's really hard on marriages when we have two separate people, and that's where communication is like key and trying to find that healthy balance.
16:41
Nick: Well, I want to break up a situation.
16:43
Nick: I brought this up on another podcast.
16:45
Nick: I think we both have.
16:46
Nick: But when Amy and I so growing up, I never saw any affection from my parents, none at all.
16:51
Nick: Right, they were getting divorced, they were getting divorced.
16:54
Nick: I never saw my parents hug or kiss or my dad give my mom flowers or anything like that.
16:59
Nick: So when Amy and I got married the first Valentine's Day to me it was just another day, right, like to me it was just another day and and again I it was because that's what I was grown up, raised, my whole life is just like never saw any of that.
17:15
Nick: Now Amy, on the flip side, like just totally.
17:19
Nick: Her dad spoiled her mom every Valentine's Day.
17:22
Nick: Her boyfriend spoiled her Valentine's Day.
17:25
Nick: Just it was like I don't want to say over the top, but it was before I got married before she got married.
17:31
Nick: So neither one of us was right or wrong.
17:34
Nick: I, of course, I will say I dropped the ball, but what I'm the point I'm trying to make is on Valentine's Day I didn't do anything for Amy and I was like wait, what this is marriage?
17:44
Amy: It really it really hurt her feelings Now because my love language was gifts at the time and we had not discussed that.
17:51
Amy: Yeah, so I just expected you to be a mind reader, right Like how do you not?
17:56
Amy: You gave me lots of gifts while we were dating.
17:58
Amy: What you think that can stop now that we're married?
18:00
Amy: Like I all have to do is talk about it.
18:03
Nick: Yeah, and that's the point I'm trying to make, is we both came from different backgrounds.
18:06
Nick: We had a big thing and she, she didn't say anything to me, if I remember right.
18:12
Amy: for I was super hurt.
18:13
Amy: I went to bed upset because we sucked at communicating at this time.
18:17
Nick: And I'm like, you know, I'm sure I'm like what's wrong?
18:20
Amy: Well, nothing's wrong, you know and I told you I know eventually you did, but I told you that night I was like devastated.
18:26
Nick: But the point I'm getting at is that is a great example of her, her and I being having different perspectives, different upbringings, which caused a totally, totally different thing.
18:38
Nick: She expressed to me how important Valentine's Day is, and I've tried to be really good at that in our marriage.
18:47
Nick: Now I'm not, I maybe not always perfect with things, but as she, you know, talks about how important certain things are to her, why they're important.
18:59
Nick: That gives me the opportunity to not just have to guess that these certain things are important or but I know and so I don't know.
19:10
Nick: I think, hopefully, that made sense.
19:12
Amy: Well, I think it's important to remember this goes both ways, because I'm not.
19:15
Amy: I'm not just Somebody in the marriage that has needs.
19:18
Amy: Nick has very many needs.
19:19
Amy: Yeah, I do he expresses his needs to me all the time right.
19:24
Nick: I do for sure.
19:25
Amy: So we both have different needs and both people have to be to make sure they're not expecting their spouse to be a mind-raider.
19:33
Amy: It goes both ways it does, even though we're focusing on women.
19:37
Amy: Don't expect your husband to be a mind-raider.
19:39
Amy: It goes both ways, because Nick is just as high maintenance.
19:42
Amy: You're laughing totally.
19:47
Nick: I totally my maintenance.
19:48
Nick: I will.
19:49
Nick: I mean, yeah, but.
19:53
Nick: But the reason why it works For us and the reason why we are doing this podcast is because we've been there, done that, we've had experiences, we've had blown-ups, things like that.
20:05
Nick: We both recognize how important it is and how toxic it is to Assume that your spouse can just read your mind.
20:17
Amy: Yes.
20:18
Nick: You're holding something in.
20:19
Amy: I can see, I just I want to see you just?
20:21
Nick: we're talking about mind-reading.
20:22
Nick: I can't read your mind, just let it out.
20:24
Amy: I'm gonna let it out.
20:25
Amy: I'm gonna let it out.
20:26
Amy: I'm gonna take this.
20:28
Amy: Just remember where we're at so you can bring it back.
20:31
Amy: I'm just gonna take this just a little bit of a direction detour little bit of a detour.
20:38
Nick: Okay.
20:45
Amy: So if we stand household responsibilities just for a minute, Got two minutes.
20:52
Amy: I got two minutes.
20:53
Amy: I gotta make sure I say this right I Feel as a working woman who does just as much financially, maybe even works more sometimes or less sometimes.
21:07
Amy: It varies, and a lot of women are working nowadays right.
21:10
Nick: Yeah, we're both running this business together, yeah.
21:13
Amy: Yes and so, and a lot of women are in the same position.
21:17
Amy: A lot of them leave, kids are at school.
21:19
Amy: Whatever the situation, I think it's important to remember that the house, the family, that is one big thing in itself, right, the house and the family, running a house and a family is A job that we take on together right Now.
21:40
Amy: When it comes to needs Like sexual, emotional, that needs to be separate from the house.
21:51
Amy: Okay, so when we talk about wives needs, we're talking about like Connection, maybe date nights, maybe the romance.
21:59
Amy: Okay, those are like the emotional, sexual, physical kind of needs.
22:02
Amy: We're not talking about women just need you to help around the house, like.
22:06
Amy: I'm trying to separate the two.
22:08
Amy: So we have like the emotional will calm the intimacy needs.
22:11
Amy: We have our own kind of an intimacy needs and a husband has his own kind of Intimacy needs, which could be sexual intimacy.
22:20
Amy: Still date nights, still that emotional connection.
22:24
Amy: Like you want all the same things that I want, right, probably a little more of the sexual.
22:28
Amy: Yeah, I probably want more of the Hmm Fun hold on your romance, your sport more, maybe more of the like romantic date nights or that kind of.
22:40
Nick: I thought you're speechless.
22:41
Amy: I thought that's you were like I can't think of it Well, I'm so low maintenance, I don't really need anything.
22:45
Nick: That's true.
22:47
Amy: I said Nick was more I'm in it.
22:48
Amy: I'm trying to separate the two.
22:51
Amy: So here we are, a husband and a wife.
22:53
Amy: You have your intimacy needs and I have my intimacy needs.
22:57
Amy: Now, we need to keep those separate, okay.
22:58
Amy: So, coming back, if you have two spouses that work, and even if it's, even if you're a stay-at-home mom, that's still a big job, like you're a taxi driver, you're a cook, you're cleaning.
23:12
Amy: You're raising kids schedules like I have four kids.
23:14
Amy: Like writing their schedules down, dealing with all four different schools, all their emotional needs like that, raising your kids is a full-time job.
23:23
Nick: I agree.
23:23
Nick: If a husband had to do with the wife's do at home, the husband would he'd be like send me back to work.
23:29
Amy: There's not a whole lot of men that could take that role.
23:31
Amy: There's some amazing amazing men that have had to do that that are amazing.
23:35
Amy: My brother is one of them.
23:37
Amy: He has that.
23:37
Amy: He's he's amazing at that role.
23:39
Amy: Yeah, there's not a lot of men that are amazing at that role.
23:42
Amy: Like we are different right, like women have the nurturing.
23:45
Amy: But getting back to it, we have to look at the emotional, physical Intimacy needs separate.
23:53
Amy: Those are the needs that we need in the marriage.
23:55
Amy: The household chores and the kids need to come as a big chunk or a big block of Both.
24:02
Amy: People need to help with that.
24:05
Nick: I'm glad I'm saying Do you know what I'm saying?
24:07
Nick: So I'm you're talking about kind of separating those things because, well, we had a comment right that the guy was like well, you know, everything in our life goes bad the sexual intimacy.
24:18
Nick: I get punished because I don't know what she wants.
24:21
Nick: He was almost saying that, like Because she's assuming that I should know everything she needs.
24:27
Nick: It affects everything down the line.
24:30
Amy: Okay, what I'm saying is that if you don't take the family and household what's the word I'm looking for, that task, that responsibility, and Divide that in half and that's gonna look different, or divide it.
24:44
Amy: I shouldn't say in half, because that's gonna look different for every marriage depending on what their roles are right.
24:48
Amy: But if you don't divide that responsibility, that will trigger those frustrations, will trigger into the intimacy needs.
24:57
Nick: No question, no question.
24:59
Amy: This is where the whole entire disconnect is is because a Wife's like well, why, why can't you put the kids to bed?
25:06
Amy: Or why can't you see that the house needs to be king?
25:08
Amy: Or why can't you see that Dinner needs to be made?
25:10
Amy: Why is that all on me?
25:11
Amy: Why is that all on me?
25:13
Amy: It okay if you've talked about that in your marriage, that that's wife's role.
25:18
Amy: Could maybe she stays home?
25:19
Amy: That's great, that's fine.
25:20
Amy: You can still help out.
25:21
Amy: It's still half your job, right.
25:23
Amy: It's still you got to figure out, okay, what are you responsible for?
25:26
Amy: And then, when I come home, what do you want me responsible?
25:29
Amy: This is about communication, right, finding that balance.
25:32
Amy: But you can see, when there's a disconnect or frustration with that responsibility of having a home and a family, it trickles into the intimacy areas and that's where it turns into a disaster.
25:46
Nick: That's what I'm trying to say for sure and just bringing back again like a great example of putting the kids to bed.
25:52
Nick: Right, most women are nurturers, so they're gonna say, well, we should go up and and put the kids to bed, because never put our kids to bed I not, very often no.
26:02
Nick: So what?
26:02
Nick: But what I'm saying and a lot of couples are out there listening gonna relate to this right Like women are thinking, oh, we need to put our kids to bed, we need to read them a bedtime story, we need to do this and that because they're their nurturers.
26:14
Nick: A husband's Many husbands not all are not all are gonna think all right, the kids, the kids are old enough, they can put themselves to bed.
26:23
Nick: They need to learn how to put themselves to bed.
26:25
Nick: They know we love them.
26:26
Nick: You know that it.
26:28
Nick: That's just a different perspective.
26:31
Nick: It's just a different perspective.
26:32
Nick: So this is a great example of where they're different perspectives.
26:35
Nick: A husband's gonna think, man, my parents didn't put me to bed, I just went to bed, right, absolutely like.
26:40
Nick: And there's a million things that could be like this.
26:41
Nick: So wife's thinking one way, a husband's thinking the other way.
26:44
Nick: Neither one's right, neither one's wrong.
26:47
Nick: But a wife's probably think a wife could be thinking, man, my, my, you know why is my husband not just willing to go nurture and do this and do this?
26:56
Nick: Because that's how a woman Fills and you can see how, holding that in and the husband doesn't always doing anything wrong, right, holding that in not expressing how you're feeling, expecting your husband should just know how you feel because that's how you feel.
27:14
Nick: And I've said this before like we Only know how we feel, and I tell this, I tell this to Amy often like I only know how I feel because that's all I've Experienced.
27:24
Nick: Amy's the only one that knows how she feels because that's all she's experienced.
27:29
Nick: So again, it's unfair for me to expect that Amy should know how I feel inside, because I'm built completely different, and it's unfair for her to expect that I should know how she feels inside, and that is why we always come back to communication.
27:44
Nick: So, as we go back to the title of this episode, your husband cannot read your mind.
27:49
Nick: This is the complete opposite of communication.
27:53
Nick: When, when you are expecting that your husband or your spouse Knows, should know, how you feel, and you are stopping that communication, you are doing a detriment to your marriage agreed 100% and isn't that interesting, how that nurturing and Like just how we're wired, so different.
28:16
Amy: Because there's been a lot of moments where I'm like Our kids are just sitting there in front of video games, like, can you literally not play a game with them?
28:23
Amy: Like as a mom, you're like, oh, we should be like hanging out and having that connection with them, like we're just different, right.
28:29
Amy: And you're like, oh, it's fine, like they're fine, they're have fun playing their games.
28:32
Nick: They're gonna be fine.
28:33
Amy: They're doing good, they're having a good time and so and if you heard our Our recent podcast on staying attractive in marriage or extra attractive to your spouse in marriage, I think that I mentioned most wives when we did polls Said there was nothing more attractive than a man who really stepped it up in the nurturing department and even though that's like super hard for some men to do because they don't have that wired Wives, if that's really attractive to you and you really want your husband Say that means a lot to you, for you, for your husband to just go tuck your kids in and say goodnight.
29:12
Nick: I'm trying to you express that and if you express that to your husband said you know what this would be?
29:17
Nick: It would be awesome, it would mean a lot to me, I mean a lot to the kids.
29:21
Nick: If you'd go do this, most husband be like yeah, yeah, absolutely, I'll go do that, I'll go do that for you Totally.
29:26
Amy: Yeah, totally would so vice versa and vice versa.
29:30
Amy: Keep saying vice versa.
29:31
Amy: Because your husband has as many needs as you have.
29:34
Amy: He probably is just holding them in because he thinks that's manly or whatever.
29:38
Amy: He was raised right.
29:39
Nick: We're afraid of rejection afraid of rejection.
29:42
Nick: What's what I talked about?
29:43
Amy: you can't expect your husband To yes, it's your.
29:48
Amy: If you want something done, you need to to have this discussion with him.
29:52
Amy: But it goes both ways.
29:53
Amy: Yeah like husbands if you Something is disconnecting you from your wife because you're not getting something done, you have to do the same thing.
30:01
Amy: You can't expect your wife to be like she knows I want to make love.
30:04
Amy: She just rejects me all the time.
30:05
Amy: She blames it on because I don't do this, this, this, this and this.
30:08
Amy: Like you have to have those.
30:10
Nick: You're exactly right.
30:11
Nick: There's been times where I'm like I want to make love to my wife.
30:14
Nick: She knows I want to make love and but I don't say anything and you could have maybe had no idea, right.
30:18
Nick: Okay, but see a ton of areas where, if you're not communicating, it could cause issues.
30:24
Amy: Yeah, I'm a lower-designed Drives spouse, so even the fact that I know that Nick is like that's high on his priority list, I'm not thinking about it.
30:31
Amy: Yeah it's no different than doing the dishes like why doesn't he, why doesn't he see that there's dishes in the sink?
30:36
Amy: I know I separated these like we're talking about emotional, but why does okay?
30:39
Nick: let's change love dishes.
30:41
Amy: No, okay, let me change that.
30:42
Amy: Why doesn't he like grab me a bouquet of flowers before date night or something?
30:46
Amy: Well, you can't expect me to initiate.
30:50
Amy: Like that's where the disconnect comes from.
30:51
Amy: Like this is where goal-setting, having a Couples meeting once a week and talking about case.
30:59
Amy: Let's try and do better at this.
31:00
Amy: This and this.
31:01
Amy: This is what needs to be done here.
31:03
Amy: It just shows how important that is right.
31:06
Nick: Yeah, well, I'm gonna say this and then we'll circle back.
31:10
Nick: But you and I have a lot of differences.
31:13
Amy: We have tons of differences.
31:14
Nick: If you and I didn't communicate, we could totally get divorced.
31:19
Amy: Everybody right.
31:20
Nick: Yes, everybody could but the reason why things are good is because we communicate Like we've gone really good at it and it's took him trial and error.
31:28
Nick: I think I've shared this experience is I keep dropping hints to Amy that you know Whether I want to make love or whatever, and she finally just says just tell me, you want to have sex.
31:39
Amy: I'm like, oh, okay but you have to admit I've done really good initiating.
31:43
Nick: Oh, no question, because now we have a joke.
31:45
Amy: We have a private joke now where, if he's like look, I did my, I wore my doomy shorts I think I picked him out these really cute shorts that I don't think he would have probably bought, but I'm like those are so attractive, you should buy those.
31:55
Amy: So we know he calls me the doomy shorts and we walks out.
31:57
Amy: He's like look, I'm wearing my doomy shorts.
31:59
Amy: I'm like oh, that's your way of initiating.
32:01
Amy: He's like oh, is that your way of initiating?
32:03
Amy: Right, that's right.
32:03
Nick: That's right.
32:04
Nick: So we played a game, but again, like I said, the the biggest thing is we try not to assume or Think our spouse needs to read.
32:17
Nick: Our minds were very open about communication and I think that's really important.
32:22
Nick: And one of the other reasons why it's so important to talk about things is what you wanted yesterday might be different with what you want today.
32:33
Amy: I mean things last week or last week.
32:35
Nick: And so, as your expectations or how you're feeling are always changing, you can't expect your spouse to just always know that those things are changing.
32:44
Nick: And again getting back to communication, that's why it's so important to just communicate with your husband About the things that you need or wife, or wife, that's right.
32:57
Nick: So now a lot of us do this, we drop hints, believing that, hey, our hints or signals Should, should let them know.
33:07
Nick: We don't want to come out and say, but we'll try to just drop hints or we'll, we'll say it, you know, maybe a snarky comment or or whatever, but again, this can be confusing, it can lead to misinterpretation, misunderstandings, like it's just.
33:26
Nick: It's important to be really clear about how you're feeling and you know what, what you need or what you would like absolutely so, all right, I want to, you're gonna keep going, or should I share my tips?
33:44
Nick: share your tips.
33:45
Amy: I want to talk about OCD for just a sec, and it doesn't just go with OCD.
33:51
Amy: Me and Nick are both really clean people, which is awesome in our marriage, right, like we don't really have any issues with this.
33:56
Amy: But I got a comment.
33:58
Amy: We did a video a couple weeks ago, I think, about this topic and got some some good comments.
34:05
Amy: Wives, if you want something done a certain way, like cleaned a certain way, or fixed a certain way, or put together a certain way, like your way, like your way like I don't, you Don't do that right, you don't do the dishes right, you didn't clean the cabinets right, like whatever that is.
34:27
Amy: If you are so stuck on it has to be done like this, then you should be doing it.
34:33
Amy: I don't think it's fair to have expectations that somebody, especially your spouse, should have to do it your way or do it perfect, or.
34:42
Amy: I think that we need to be more appreciative in our marriages.
34:46
Amy: Number one like I think we need to be like you know what.
34:48
Amy: You tried your hardest, you did a good job.
34:53
Amy: I I might have done a different, but I appreciate that you tried doing that right.
34:57
Amy: Yeah, totally, I think that's huge when it comes back to like Taking the family and household like that big responsibility and kind of separating it from the intimacy needs.
35:09
Amy: I think my biggest tip for this one would be to sit down on Saturday morning or whatever day, like you clean and anything that's been bugging you like like through the house or the cars or the just all the things that you're like this is bugging me, this is bugging me.
35:27
Amy: It needs to be clean, this needs to be done.
35:28
Amy: These errands need to be like whatever that list looks like in your mind, that you're expecting your spouse to just already know it needs to be done, like.
35:38
Amy: I really suggest just sitting down and like writing an entire list and then just being like how do we conquer this together?
35:44
Amy: And you know how heavily I feel like your kids should be involved in chores.
35:49
Amy: They live in your house.
35:50
Amy: I am a firm believer that the whole family should knock that kind of stuff out and it shouldn't be just stuck on mom and dad.
35:56
Nick: Yeah, for sure right for sure.
35:59
Amy: And I forgot my other tip.
36:00
Amy: I'll think about it while you keep talking, all right well.
36:04
Nick: So we always want to talk about, like, the solutions right, we've talked about the problem, why it can really cause issues.
36:11
Nick: Let's talk about the solution and, again, the first thing that needs to happen is have that open communication.
36:17
Nick: You need to share your thoughts and your desires openly with each other, and this will create a better connect emotional connection right, which is going to flicker throughout every other part of the relationship.
36:28
Nick: When you're communicating your dreams and your desires and what you need and how you feel, you start understanding each other on on a much deeper level, which I think is important as well too, and obviously, having this understanding is going to create a much stronger bond Together.
36:48
Nick: That's obviously when the tough things come.
36:51
Nick: It's going to be you're going to be more united.
36:53
Nick: It's going to be easier to weather those storms that are going to come.
36:55
Nick: Anything to add to that?
36:58
Amy: No, it's a really good.
37:03
Nick: I think too, when you have open and effective communication, it really minimizes the chances of any misunderstandings.
37:12
Nick: When you're assuming that your spouse should read your mind or know what you need, you're going to have so many misunderstandings in your marriage and it's just going to create More and more tension, um, more and more resentment.
37:28
Amy: Um, this just leads to showing how negative expectations can be right, Like if you expect certain things to be done but you're not willing to communicate it, or be done a certain way and not communicate it.
37:39
Amy: Those are unhealthy expectations.
37:41
Amy: Like it just needs to be discussed.
37:43
Nick: Yeah, and, and this comes to Assuming like if you're assuming that your spouse to just know what you need, I really thought I remember someone saying if you break apart the word assume, the ass is ass.
37:57
Nick: So assuming, or when you assume something, it makes an ass out of you and me ass, ume.
38:04
Nick: And I think that's that's really true, because when you assume things, most of the time you're going to be wrong.
38:11
Nick: Like if you're assuming your husband should know how you feel, or he should know what to do or this, and that, like, most of the time you're going to be wrong.
38:20
Nick: So I think it's again, it's why it's so vital to communicate with each other.
38:25
Nick: And, like we said before, I mean, how hard is it to just say you know what?
38:29
Nick: I really would like you to do this?
38:31
Nick: It takes you three seconds and most likely your husband's gonna say yeah, absolutely, I can do that.
38:36
Amy: I think it's all about.
38:38
Amy: I think it's all about your attitude too.
38:39
Amy: Like if your husband walks in the door, maybe he's been at work, maybe you both just got home from work, maybe you've been home, whatever the situation, and there's things that need to be done, and you're like why?
38:51
Amy: Why can't he see those things need to be done?
38:53
Amy: Why do I have to tell him right?
38:55
Nick: Yeah.
38:56
Amy: I, if you just change your attitude and say hey, babe, I'm so glad you're home, I missed you.
39:01
Amy: Hey, I would really love to connect with you later if we can just hurry and bust some things out together.
39:07
Amy: Hey, would you mind helping with the dinner, or could you take the kids while I well, I finish up dinner and then maybe you could help me clean up and clean up the house a little bit.
39:14
Amy: Like, the faster we do this together as a team, we're gonna have have time tonight when the kids go to bed.
39:20
Amy: Like it's all about your attitude.
39:22
Amy: I think a lot of women just get so bitter and frustrated inside.
39:26
Amy: They're just like I am just so done asking and what to do, and I mean this is where this vicious cycle comes in.
39:31
Amy: Right, it's all about attitude.
39:33
Amy: You're, if you're, if you're thinking that your husband has to be a mind reader right now, you're bugged that he doesn't read your mind or he's.
39:40
Amy: You're bugged that he doesn't look around and see what needs to be done.
39:43
Amy: If you're bugged by any reason, I really think you need an attitude shift.
39:48
Nick: I agree.
39:49
Nick: Don't you agree with that?
39:50
Amy: because the minute, the minute, you start thinking and I believe me, I'm guilty of this, I'm super guilty of this and, like we said, our priorities might be different.
39:59
Amy: He doesn't even.
40:00
Amy: He's a man.
40:01
Amy: He doesn't see the things that I see and I don't see the things that he sees.
40:04
Amy: Like all you have to do is change your attitude, be more positive in your marriage and say let's bust these out together, like Like nicks the first person that I'm like hey, I'm so stressed right now.
40:16
Amy: I have a meeting tonight, I have A church thing tonight, I've got the kids thing tonight.
40:22
Amy: Like, can, can we just work as a team tonight and just get these things done, and then maybe we, you know, can make a movie night tonight or something.
40:28
Amy: I, if you initiate, or it like prioritizes your, your husband's or your spouse's needs, you better believe they're gonna jump all over Doing whatever they you that you need.
40:43
Nick: And even if there was no naked movie that night night.
40:45
Nick: That night I would be totally willing to do whatever you need, because I love you.
40:49
Amy: But I'm just saying a lot of women cut stuff off because of bad attitude.
40:53
Nick: Right for sure.
40:54
Amy: And this is that vicious cycle.
40:55
Amy: We need to get rid of this vicious cycle and just be like, okay, how do we bring more positivity into our relationship?
41:00
Amy: How do we get it more excited about raising this family and running this household and and really doing this as a team?
41:08
Amy: And that takes talking and it takes good, positive attitude.
41:12
Nick: Yeah Well, when you openly communicate what you want to your husband, you're allowing him To take the actions or fulfill the actions that are going to make you happier in life.
41:24
Nick: Like, instead of holding things in and being upset because he's not reading your mind, like Expressing your desires and your needs, you then allow him to make you happy, like why would you not want to do that?
41:39
Amy: And I hold on, I hold your thought.
41:41
Amy: I almost think that some women that are kind of bitter towards this subject like, almost like like having that.
41:48
Amy: Control that control maybe, or that well, he's bugging me, so no, I don't have to give him what he wants, kind of thing or using that as an excuse, like why would I give him what he wants?
41:58
Nick: because he's not doing this, this, this, this and this and I expect to read my mind.
42:02
Nick: It's almost unfair.
42:03
Nick: Like you, you, you should be able to tell your husband and give him the opportunity To do things that are going to make you happy in life.
42:11
Nick: Like that's kind of unfair to withhold that from him when he wants to make you happy and you're basically telling him well, I'm not going to tell you the things that I need to make me happy.
42:21
Nick: I mean, that's for sure.
42:23
Nick: That's kind of crap really both ways and I think too, um, when you're practicing open and honest communication and letting him know what you need, or vice versa, you're showing your husband that it's okay for both of you To express your needs and wants and thus you're encouraging better communication.
42:44
Nick: So when you're shutting off the communication, you're basically Telling your husband I don't, I don't want to communicate.
42:54
Nick: You're turning down the most important aspect of your marriage, which is communication.
42:59
Nick: You're telling him that he can't express his needs, or you can't express your needs, and really shutting down that communication Again.
43:10
Nick: When you start communicating to him and being very open with him, he's going to feel like he can then communicate more easily and openly with you as well.
43:21
Nick: So, again, when you're closing up, you're discouraging communication.
43:26
Nick: When you're opening up, you're encouraging communication.
43:32
Nick: I think that's really like we talk about all the time.
43:35
Nick: We hit so many times is this is just another aspect of communication and it's so vital that couples communicate and talk to each other.
43:45
Nick: So if you're expecting, your husband should just be able to read your mind, know what you need, and that's causing a lot of frustration and anger and resentment.
43:54
Nick: You really do.
43:56
Nick: It's just as simple as saying you know what.
43:59
Nick: Maybe he doesn't understand how I'm feeling.
44:01
Nick: Maybe he doesn't even know I'm feeling this way.
44:03
Nick: It's not fair for me to give him the opportunity to make my life better or give him the opportunity to do the things that I'm frustrated.
44:12
Nick: I need to tell him.
44:15
Amy: But I also feel siding with the wives on this one.
44:18
Amy: This is where we hear nagging wife.
44:21
Amy: We hear nagging wife right.
44:22
Amy: We hear that a lot like my wife's a nag, like I don't want to be a nagging wife.
44:26
Amy: When you get to this point where, like I'm going to express what I need or what I need help with, or why there's this disconnect in our home or with household or whatever, it is, like husbands you've got to listen and then you've got to help, right, like that's why wives net, like a lot of women, will comment and be like I've told him three times this needs to be done.
44:47
Amy: He just keeps brushing it off.
44:48
Amy: That's when a wife becomes a nagger.
44:49
Amy: And nobody wants a nagging wife, but it's not fair if she does have to keep asking for something.
44:56
Nick: Right.
44:56
Nick: So here's the thing it's all about how you ask here's a great-, but you gotta there's some husbands that don't listen, I understand I understand and that's.
45:05
Nick: I mean, hey, all you can do is have the communication, and it takes two right For sure, like if we communicate with each other and I constantly let you down, that's on me, there's nothing you can do about it, or vice versa.
45:18
Nick: But if we're communicating and talking about things and we both truly want to make our marriage better which hopefully that's most of marriage is out there then that's a good thing.
45:28
Nick: Getting back on nagging, it's a lot different for a wife to say, well, he never listens to me and he should just know what I need, versus a wife saying, hey, sweetie, I really would appreciate if you could help me with this.
45:42
Nick: Or it's all about how you ask.
45:44
Nick: You can accomplish the same thing in a totally different way and leave the situation totally different, rather than having your husband feel a certain way, versus just simply saying, hey, just here's what I need from you.
46:01
Nick: I mean, that's a lot different than saying he never knows what I need, or he never listens to me, or he never in a condescending way.
46:10
Amy: I don't want to leave without giving a solution.
46:12
Amy: This is my solution.
46:13
Amy: You come up with your ideas real quick.
46:14
Amy: My solution to this area of disconnect would be and I hope that everyone will go do this, because I think it's important in our marriage is to disconnect the intimacy like we talked about and focus just for a minute together on the household and family responsibility.
46:36
Amy: Sit down together as a couple and figure out what's bothering you or what's not getting done or what needs to be done, just whatever aspect you need to take this in.
46:46
Amy: Sit down and make a list together and be like what do you need for me and how can I be better helped to you?
46:54
Amy: Let's knock this out as a team.
46:57
Amy: Figure that section out, because you're both in charge of your house and the kids.
47:02
Amy: That's, both of your responsibilities equally, whatever that looks like in your marriage.
47:06
Amy: Now, after you get done discussing that, I want you to focus on your intimacy needs.
47:12
Amy: This is the next step.
47:14
Amy: Okay, for a wife what emotional intimacy, romantic intimacy, sexual intimacy what are you missing in that category?
47:22
Amy: Then the husband what am I missing?
47:26
Amy: Separate those and be like okay, how can we do better this week?
47:30
Amy: I treat it like baby steps like one, two, three, whatever you need to do to make a list what can I do each day or during the week to fulfill that aspect of our marriage, after we have conquered the house and family, to make sure that those needs are all taken care of, because they're totally intertwined?
47:51
Nick: Yeah, and my thought is just again just simply communicate what you need with each other.
47:58
Nick: And again, this podcast wasn't meant to just say that this is always the women and never the men.
48:04
Nick: We titled the podcast the way we do because we as men and women are different, and the majority of this is, yes, women do have a harder time expressing their needs and desires to their husbands, and husbands, for the most part, are just, we're very, very simple.
48:22
Nick: For the most part, we just you tell us what you need, we want to fulfill that and we, again, we understand that is not always the case, but we as husbands have a lot of flaws.
48:33
Nick: This is not a podcast just to say here's what the wives have issues with, because we as husbands obviously have a lot of flaws as well too.
48:41
Nick: But if you can just open up that communication and start expressing to your spouse, to your husband, what you need and being clear with that, it's going to transform your marriage, just going to transform your relationship, and you're going to have so much better, I guess, intimacy and all other acts, aspects of your marriage.
49:07
Nick: And I truly believe that, and the reason I believe that is because we have seen that happen in our marriage.
49:12
Nick: We've seen our marriage greatly improve, as we always talk about, because of the communication, and we talk about how each of us shouldn't hold things in, how we should really express how we feel and what we need and the desires that we have, and Amy's really good at trying to understand.
49:31
Nick: She may not agree, but she's really good at trying to understand why I feel the way I do and I'm the same way with her.
49:38
Nick: I may not understand or agree, but if something's important to her, then that's important to me as well, and I think when you have that really good, honest and open communication, it's just going to change so many aspects of your relationship.
49:52
Nick: So again, really, really work on this and try to make it to where you're not just assuming that your spouse should know exactly what you need.
50:06
Nick: I agree, so we hope you enjoyed that podcast episode and until next time.
50:13
Nick: Oh wait, you have something.
50:14
Amy: Okay, so if you go back, I just wanted to throw this out If you missed our.
50:20
Amy: It's Sexy September right now, but if you are listening later than September, it's not too late If you go back a couple episodes.
50:29
Amy: Go back to the bonus episode about our relationship recharge, connection challenge for September, or Sexy September, or any month of the year we have the most amazing like.
50:41
Amy: It's not like a mini bundle, but it's.
50:44
Amy: Our episode talks all about what it is, what it'll do for your marriage, everything that's involved and how to grab it, and it's like a 30 day communication relationship, sexual intimacy, emotional intimacy, romance.
51:01
Nick: It's fun.
51:01
Amy: It's fun.
51:02
Amy: There's coupons, there's printables, there's initiation cards, there's a position chart, so many fun things to just kind of jumpstart that spark in your marriage is kind of what it is.
51:13
Amy: So go back to that episode if you want to hear more about it and if you want to find it, just go to shopultimateintimacycom and look up the relationship recharge.
51:25
Nick: So we hope you enjoy the podcast and until next time we hope all of you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.