Latest / Beyond Sovereignty / #012 - How To STOP Seeking External Validation! 🛑✋

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#012 - How To STOP Seeking External Validation! 🛑✋ · Beyond Sovereignty

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If you're externally looking for validation, then you as
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a person will generally crumble. You will feel like a
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bag of crap. Your purpose isn't your gift
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to humanity. Your purpose is what fills your cup up for
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you each and every day. When you can nourish yourself, then those around
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you will feel loved and nurtured as well because you know how
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to take care of yourself. The thing that I find most common with
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business owners and entrepreneurs and leaders is welcome wisdom
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keepers, Soul Tribe and New Earth leaders to Soul Temple,
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your haven for self-discovery and growth. I'm
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Blythe Langford and I am your guide to finding yourself and
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your true, true, true, true, true purpose. Together, let's
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shift from feeling stuck and misaligned to living a
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life of purpose and prosperity. Why
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I stopped seeking approval from others to feel valuable. Oh,
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even just saying that, it's just so weighted, isn't it? The high achievers
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trapped to external validation. Oh my golly gosh, this is a huge
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one. We are so driven by external
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validation, especially as business owners, leaders, entrepreneurs. and
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high achievers in our family. So as an entrepreneur, high achiever, are
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you externally looking for that validation or
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is it an internal thing that you are actually filling and
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nourishing up your soul with? So let's just explore that for a second. So
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if you're externally looking for validation, then there
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generally feels like there's something missing internally. It
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always feels like you need to be seen in everything that you're
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doing. Oh my gosh, see me, look at what I'm doing, post all of your results all over social
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media, look at everything I'm doing, tell everybody about it. You know you're doing it and
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then you get off. on actually people being like, oh
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my God, baby, you are doing so fucking amazing. Oh my gosh, you're doing amazing. You are
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doing amazing. You're doing all of the things. Whereas internally
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led means that you can do those things or
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not, and you don't seek your validation from
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them. So whether I, I'm going to put the things out there that
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I'm going to be doing, so I still want to achieve, but whether I
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achieve or not, my validation my
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joy and happiness, my self-worth is
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not attached to that. validation. So
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if you are somebody that seeks external validation, then you are
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doing all of those things and your worthiness is kept, your
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worthiness is attached to that validation. So if
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you are not going to be achieving the money, if you're
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not achieving all of those things, then you as a person will generally crumble.
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You will feel like a bag of crap. You will
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feel like your life is less important than your money. You
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put everything in front of your life. and
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your worth because they are more important. The money, the
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business, ticking all the boxes, the houses, the cars, the perfect
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partner, all the boxes need to be ticked in order for you to be seen
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in the world as perfect and beautiful and whole and complete. But
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if all of those things were to collapse and fall away, then your
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life is almost like it'd feel like it's over.
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So that's how you can realize that you are externally
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led. Whereas if you're internally led, it can be like, yeah,
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my relationship might fall apart But if it's not meant for me, then
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it's okay, because I'm okay, I've got me. Or
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if you're going to go bankrupt, it's like, okay, well,
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that's okay, because I know that I've got myself, I've built this,
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I can build something else. And my worth, I'm
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still accepted at the table with my friends, who
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are also high net worth individuals, because I've got me. This
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is just a season, it's okay. You don't judge yourself
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on your hardships. You
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don't judge yourself on all of the things that would be considered hardships.
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You see them as the grit, as the
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lessons, as the initiations into being the most amazing
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business owner. So that's what's the difference between externally and internally led.
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Now, I want to just touch on a personal story as well about
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being externally led and seeking approval. when
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I was externally led. So I had my hairdressing salon,
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seven figure businesses, smashing it, killing it, doing the best in like sales
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in our industry, really, really great. Had teams that I
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had consciously led and everything was amazing, but had
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a experience that left me realizing a
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sexual abuse experience and then followed by treason and blackmail. and
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realised that I no longer aligned with this company
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anymore and I did not want to work with my business partners and tried,
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listen to the language in all of this, and tried to leave these
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businesses for a very long period of time, 10 years, but
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my business partner, language again, would not
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allow me to leave. My businesses, I should have been able
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to walk away, should have been able to walk away with
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anywhere from half a mil to a million dollars because I had multiple
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businesses that were pumping. Right. and
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my business partner wouldn't allow me to leave and
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sabotaged every single sale that I had for a potential buyer. Then
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I stayed stuck in these businesses for 10 years, not leaving
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because nobody would let me leave and give me my money. I
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stayed in this business to fulfill my mother's
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love for money. She wanted me to stay in this business because I
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didn't want to, when I said to her I wanted to walk away from this business, she
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was like, you're crazy, you can't do that, you're going to walk away from the money. I'm like, I
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don't care, I'm going to be a yogi, I'm going to live under a tree, I don't care, I'm going to study yoga for
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two years and it doesn't matter. She's like, why don't you stay in the
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business, sell them, get the
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money, build an amazing yoga studio and help more people and like totally
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did that narcissistic thing again on me. my
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language. Again, of course, it's not her fault. I incurred all of this on myself.
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But I allowed myself to be externally led
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for the fulfillment of my mother, for the fulfillment of my boss, for the fulfillment of
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my suffering, for the fulfillment of my blaming and shaming. All of the
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things, like I was literally, this whole experience was
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all to do with my external validation. Because internally, I knew
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that I literally had to blow this whole business up and just walk away with nothing. But
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it took me 10 years to get there before I had the actual courage to do that.
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So that's how you could generally know if
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you're internally or externally led. And
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so for many entrepreneurs and leaders and business owners, we
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don't actually realize that our whole life is built around this external
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validation that we really seek from others that
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especially if you a lot of us were psychopaths like I hate to
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tell you a lot of business owners we were brought up and raised in
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our wounding our core wound is psychopathic wounding so
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we are constantly looking for the
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validation from anybody and anything all
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of the time from social media how many likes am I going to get from this from my
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my business profit? How much profit am I going to get from
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this? From my turnover, how much turnover am
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I getting? Am I growing every year? Is everything growing and getting better and
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better and better? But not from a place of like actual internal
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validation, but from a place of actually trying to get this
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validation from a caregiver that we didn't get care from in
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an effective way when we were growing up. So how this can show up
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in your life is The
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thing that I find most common with business owners and entrepreneurs and leaders is
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you just feel like there's something missing. I know this is actually a
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lot of people. You just feel like there's something missing in your life. You
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just don't feel fulfilled with all of the things that you always wanted.
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You literally have everything that you want in your life. And it's
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just like, is that it? Like, there's got to be more. And
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then rather than actually figuring out that it's this external validation,
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this internal validation that we don't have, we
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just keep on seeking and searching and never actually looking
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for what's going to heal us internally so
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that we can come from a space of feeling whole and complete and
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loving our lives. It can also show up
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that you don't feel like you're ever on your purpose. So no
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matter what you're doing, you're, and even while you think you're purpose led
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and you're doing all these things that feel like you're purpose led, they're not actually
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purpose from your heart. So they're purpose from your head. And
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that is generally an internal program that's been from
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an external validation. What I mean by that is it's literally come
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from a parent that has programmed us, or an ex-boss, or
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an ex-lover, or a teacher, or society, or
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a magazine, or something that is unconsciously
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programming us mentally so we think that we are on
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purpose, but we know deep down in our soul that we're
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fucking faking it. If you feel that, chances
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are whatever you're doing, it's externally led and it's not internally
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led. Another huge one that you might feel like
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you resent your business, you resent somebody
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that told you to get into that business and you just have this underlying resentment.
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So resentment is a beautiful way to see that you are
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still externally led as well because this resentment is
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literally a suppressed anger that is literally
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being pushed down and pushed down and pushed down and you're just having to again fake being
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okay and going along with it. Yet you realize,
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well you might realize now, that it's actually an external validation that you're seeking
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that you're never going to get because you're not even aware that you're actually seeking
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this external validation. And the thing that will solve and
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heal this for you is doing the inner work, realizing
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what's actually true and real for your heart, figuring out your
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purpose, what makes you happy each and every day. Because
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chances are you might find out what is actually your life purpose of
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what makes you happy each and every day and then you don't necessarily need
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to change your purpose. Because I don't know if you remember in my previous episodes, I
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believe that your purpose isn't your gift
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to humanity. It isn't your mission and your legacy. I
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believe they're two different things. Your purpose is what fills
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your cup up for you each and every day. So for example, myself,
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it's going for a run in nature and being outdoors in nature and
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doing a cold plunge. meditation. It is
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totally my thing. Breath work. These things
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are what literally nourish my soul and they are the
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reason that I am here because they help me experience the
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depth of beauty of this planet. Without them I'm totally fine too but
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this is how I nourish myself and fill my cup up because I'm worthy and
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it's okay and it's beyond okay. It's the
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best ever for me to be able to do that. And then I know that they
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are what fill me up so that I can help with my mission and my purpose
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and how I'm here to help and shift and change humanity and
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leave a legacy for this planet and for humanity and for
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future generations so that this planet exists further
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than the 80 year trajectory of life that it
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has. So that's why I would encourage you to figure out what
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nourishes your soul because that is where your self-validation
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will come from. Living for yourself rather
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than others, this isn't something that you can just switch
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overnight, you know. It's a challenge. It's not a sprint.
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It's a marathon, right? So once you start this
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inquiry, then we can also be a little
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bit angry at the people around us because we haven't this life and it's not off our design
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and we've just realized that it's like oh my gosh. And that's why
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so many people that are into sovereignty end up hating on the government because it's like, oh my
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God, I hate them. It's like, actually, you're hating on yourself. It's just
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a projection because there's this part of us that we're just so
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upset that we believe the bullshit. And it's the same whether it's
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like a caregiver or a parent from when we were growing up. We
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can't believe that we were living our whole lives just so
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that we could be like our mother or our father. Now, I remember for myself when
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I spent a month in a yoga ashram that I realized that
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I didn't want children. Because prior to that, I thought I wanted to
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get married and have four kids. And then I realised that's
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what my mum did. And I actually really
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like meditation and sleeping in and massages and like
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not being interrupted. I realised that's not the life of
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a mother. And I also didn't like doing homework and all of the things. Now, it
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was just like a breakup with the rapport of my mother and the mental programs
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that were ingrained into me that were not her fault. That was
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something that I needed to grow through. Now, there was a period of time after that, that I did
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want children. But anyway, the cancer made sure I didn't have them. So
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that's another story for another time. So it's about
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figuring out how we are programmed and
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what internal validation looks
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like to us and what external programs are running
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us and are having us pleasing, like
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people-pleasing. Like a lot of business owners and a lot of leaders, mums,
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dads, all of the things, we're such people-pleasers, we just want to help everybody
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and solve everybody's problems. And we
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know that we can because we are these amazing problem
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solvers. We're obsessed with helping other people and their problems. So we can
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realise that this people pleasing is not even about us.
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It's about us trying to please a caregiver that never gave us love when we were kids
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and this is what we needed to do in order to just feel loved. And actually
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it's our nervous system going, okay, cool. I'm going
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to survive. So we literally, when we're people-pleasing, we're in our survival
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mechanism. We're not even in our conscious brain, right? So that's
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something to be really aware of and to note that we
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are externally validating. And
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the benefits, let me tell you the benefits of
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when you start to really
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internalize your validation and be internally led.
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What happens? You heal the martyrdom. You know, being
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a martyr, it's like, I can fix everything, the savior complex. We
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start to heal that. We realize that we don't need to save
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everybody because we can save ourselves and that's
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Oh God, I don't want to say something religious because I'm not religious, but that is
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the meaning of... The Essenes. I'm not
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into Jesus at all, my God. But
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it's just something that I've listened to lately and that was the
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whole point of it. It was so that we can save ourselves so that we don't depend
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on anybody else. So it gives you the confidence because you know that
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you're on your own mission. You can learn to love yourself
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rather than always trying to save and love somebody else.
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That comes anyway. That comes anyway when you can nourish yourself then
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those around you will feel loved and nurtured as well because you know
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how to take care of yourself. Because if you're always coming from a
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place of lack and external validation, the relationships around
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you will always be a bit empty. They won't be filled up, like
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they won't be fully nourished, like your partner won't feel the depth
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of your love and they'll always feel like there's something missing in the relationship and
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they'll feel like they're either extra needy or they're like
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they're compensated needy. So that's something that can definitely play
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out as well. Not only that, it will nourish your working relationships
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as well. Because when you come to your team
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and to your business from a place of
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internally being validated already, then you
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don't depend on your business like
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a codependent relationship. You aren't addicted to the
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figures. You can be more strategic. you can be
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more strategic in how you align things and how you
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set up a structure and a plan and then an organisation as well.
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And once you have an operating system like this, your business can
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then become like a workhorse that
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just runs really with a lot less effort and it just churns
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away and it becomes a really great money making beast
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that you're actually able to just water and nurture every now and again,
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but you're not addicted to the outcome and it doesn't cripple you.
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when you don't actually get what you actually want. And
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then when you're in this state as well of being internally validated
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all the time, then when you come from
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this place of internal validation, you open up the
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channels within you, within your energy, within nature,
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the universe, mysticism, creativity, spirituality and
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magic so that flow can come through you. And when flow
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comes through you, that's when you're actually attracting in everything you want because
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abundance and attraction is a major
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part of the laws of this universe. You want to be in this space
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where you're internally thriving. So
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then flow can just literally come in and abundance can
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flow through. Your finances will be a lot simpler and easier. There
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won't be as much grit and strain and suffering and contraction
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in things that you're trying to create, in projects that you're trying
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to create, in relationships that you're trying to build, in networks
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that you're trying to be part of, teams that you're trying to
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evolve with bank finances and business growth that
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you're actually there desiring. obtain this
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inner integrity and this inner wellness that literally just
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penetrates into your world and then the universe and Source,
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Buddha, Allah, Mother, whatever you believe in, will allow
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these things to come into your life and you become
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filled with a lot more grace, a lot more ease, a
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lot more peace, a lot more harmony, so
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you get out of your parasympathetic nervous system a lot. So
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you get out of your sympathetic nervous system a lot, come back into
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your parasympathetic nervous system, you have a lot more
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ease and flow within you and then everything is
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a lot more easeful and blessed and blissful
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on your journey. Can you relate to this? Externally validating.
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So you become obsessed with your appearance, right? Obsessed
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with how you look. That every little thing
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that you do is about your appearance, whether it be, you know, judging
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yourself poorly for something that you ate or drank and
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and thinking about how it's going to really affect you the next
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day and what you're going to look like and then you're not going to be lovable and then the people around you
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aren't going to love you as much and then you go in this whole shaming spiral.
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I remember being like that where literally I had
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so much of my own self-worth dependent on
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my size, of how I looked, what size I
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would actually need to wear, whether I could do my pants up and there was a tiny little roll
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over the edge or not. That is external validation.
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That's when you seek the approval of others because you don't actually love yourself. That's,
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you know, and I mean, I can speak for women out there. That's a huge program
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for women, but then also for the men out there, you know, needing to go
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to the gym, needing to get bigger, needing to be more ripped, needing to be taller, needing to be
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shorter, needing to be, have more hair, have less hair, all
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of the things, you know, it's external validation because we don't feel worthy within
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ourselves. And it's such a program of society so
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that they can just literally keep us
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buying and purchasing. A reel popped up earlier today
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when I had to check something and it was literally this chick walking down the aisle
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that had had a BBL, which is a Brazilian butt lift, where they take all
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of the weight out of your middle section and put it into your arse and
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so like her waist was teeny tiny but then her arse
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was like hitting the sides of the seats as she was walking through a plane. It was
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like so unnatural and like everybody is just like loving
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on this shape but it's like It's so
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fake and so much external validation with
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that. Once you get to being a bit older, like I'm 43 now,
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you realize that society is literally just programming body types
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at any one period of time so that we can literally go and spend
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money to be that body shape. It's crazy, rather than
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just actually being ourselves. I know for myself, when I was
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in my 20s, I had one
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of those body shapes that was little and really hippie. But at
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the time, it was really in fashion to be a waif, like Kate
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Moss, so really skinny. So I actually got
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liposuction in my 20s. And also
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because I was going out with a boyfriend who was going to break up with me because I'd come
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back from overseas and I put on weight. And he was like, if you don't lose weight, like I'm
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not attracted to you anymore. So I literally altered
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my body because I felt so sick about how
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I looked. Whereas I didn't even realize that I felt like I
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had external validation before that because I felt
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so confident in myself. But realizing that the man I loved
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We'd been together a long time and been through so many things. It was literally
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going to break up with me if I didn't lose weight. And I was already running
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half marathons. I was already going to the gym seven days a week. Like I
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didn't know what else to do. And so I literally turned to
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going under the knife to cut up my body so
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that I could look a certain way and feel loved. You know,
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and that's what so many of us do. And there's so many women out there
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that are like, oh no, I'm just enhancing. Oh, I know
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that's what we want. think we're doing and we trick ourselves to think that
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we're doing that, but actually we're changing ourselves
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because we don't like how we look. Straight up. It's literally how
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it is. Or to meet the needs of somebody else. And you know what
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the craziest thing is? In 10 years time, the body shape that you have right
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now is probably what's going to be in fashion. Cause it changes all the fucking time. Like
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we're so programmed. Like if I had to change my body shape back
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then, I'd have a Kim Kardashian ass. Damn. Damn.
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Damn, damn, damn, damn. Damn, damn, damn, damn. And I love my body now and everything's
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perfect and whole and complete. So that's why you can see that once
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you open this spiral of gaining external validation from others,
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it becomes a spiral. You can, whether it's, whether you're male, female,
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whether it's in work or to do with plastic surgery or
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to do with anything. If you're externally validating and
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putting your self-worth in something else outside of yourself, then
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it becomes a spiral and that spiral becomes a snowball and it
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just gets bigger and bigger and bigger and we become more and more masked
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and we lose every part of ourself. So, whether
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it be in your relationships or your business, you don't want to lose your mission. You
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don't want to lose why you're there. You want to find and you
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want to really tune into your own internal validation and
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have that be the driver in your life because when you come from this space, everything
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will feel good. Everything, the happiness, the joy, the
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wealth, everything that you're seeking outside of yourself, you realize you're
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rich as fuck because it all came from within. So what
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I would love you to take away from this is just acknowledging and
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realizing, are you externally validating all the
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time? Are you giving your power away? And so with this awareness, that's
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step one. Step one is just acknowledging, far out, I am. I'm a
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people pleaser. I feel obligated to do things. I do things out of obligation all
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of the time. Now, step two to this, to helping yourself
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recover from this, is in each and every moment where you do
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externally give your power away, just acknowledge it. It's absolutely fine.
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So rather than shaming yourself and being like, Oh my God, I did that thing again. Just like being
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like, Oh, actually I'm going to take a moment here and just
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say, look, I'm really like say to another person, I need you to actually think about
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this. I think I was just doing that out of obligation. What's actually going
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to be best for me is this is what I really want to do. So I'm going
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to choose this. So you're just in this moment just practicing. So
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you're going to start internalizing really what it is your
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needs are and start expressing them with your loved ones. And
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you don't need to do it from a place that is overbearing or
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blaming or shaming of yourself or others. but literally just
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acknowledging where you're at and when you say something that
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you don't want to do, your people pleasing, your obligating and all of those things, then
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just acknowledging it and changing what it is that you actually want
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to do and sharing with that person what it is that you actually want
23:58
to do. Start being honest with what's on your heart. Now,
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I would love to be able to help hold you accountable for
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this because this is something that takes some time. So literally
24:09
just pop in the comments below. What is it that is your behavior
24:13
that it is that you're wanting to overcome? How are you externally
24:17
validating to others and what is it that you want to overcome? Pop it
24:20
in the comments below. Let us know and see if
24:23
you can start to practice this. And anytime you want to just share with
24:27
me, yep, this is what I've been doing. This is what I've been noticing. So showing
24:30
up is how we recover from external validation.
24:34
Thank you for joining me on Soul Temple. If
24:38
this episode spoke to your soul, I would love, love, love your
24:41
support with a five-star review on Apple Podcasts and Spotify. And
24:45
do not forget to subscribe on your favorite platform. But don't
24:48
let your journey end here. Connect with me and my like-minded community of
24:52
souls at Blythe Langford on all social platforms. I
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look forward, I really look forward to diving deeper with you