Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 437. The neuroscience of loneliness…the silent stress you can fix

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437. The neuroscience of loneliness…the silent stress you can fix · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:15
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the episode of Today.
0:19
Speaker 1: So this podcast episode is all about loneliness. I want
0:23
Speaker 1: to talk about loneliness as far as what is actually
0:27
Speaker 1: going going on in the brain with loneliness. What exactly
0:31
Speaker 1: is loneliness versus being alone or solitude or wanting just
0:37
Speaker 1: your own space, because I think a lot of people think, well,
0:40
Speaker 1: I spend a lot of time on my own. I
0:42
Speaker 1: enjoy being alone. I'm a bit of an introvert, but
0:45
Speaker 1: I feel fine because I'm going to talk about kind
0:47
Speaker 1: of the health implications of loneliness. But I do want
0:50
Speaker 1: to differentiate massively someone that genuinely likes being alone a
0:54
Speaker 1: lot versus someone who feels isolated and has a lack
0:57
Speaker 1: of connection. Okay, so there is a difference there. So
1:00
Speaker 1: if you are an introvert with one friend, but you
1:03
Speaker 1: really feel great and happy, then these health implications do
1:06
Speaker 1: not apply to you. So it's not like you need
1:09
Speaker 1: to be social and around hundreds of people in order
1:11
Speaker 1: to be healthy. But we're talking about the health implications
1:14
Speaker 1: of loneliness. We're talking about what exactly is going on
1:17
Speaker 1: in the brain with loneliness, And then I'm going to
1:20
Speaker 1: be talking about things that if you are feeling really
1:22
Speaker 1: lonely things that you can start to do that is
1:26
Speaker 1: like really actionable take home steps that you can do
1:30
Speaker 1: that will start to turn that loneliness around, and more
1:35
Speaker 1: so than just the obvious like call a friend, like
1:37
Speaker 1: more than that. Okay, So wait till the end of
1:40
Speaker 1: the episode, and I'm going to be giving you some
1:41
Speaker 1: actionable steps to start to turn that feeling of loneliness around. Okay, Now,
1:47
Speaker 1: Life Updates, Life Update. I feel like, so currently I'm
1:54
Speaker 1: fucking pregnant, and I'm banking a lot of episodes as
1:58
Speaker 1: much as possible because you know, yes, I'm gonna go
2:01
Speaker 1: on maternity quote unquote, I call it maternity leave. I'm
2:05
Speaker 1: gonna have three weeks of like you know, rerun or
2:09
Speaker 1: highlight or encore episodes. But I also need to bank
2:12
Speaker 1: all these episodes so I can take a significant couple
2:15
Speaker 1: of months off without worrying that the podcast is suffering. Right,
2:19
Speaker 1: So I've been putting in the fucking hours planning and
2:22
Speaker 1: recording episodes in advance so that way we can still
2:25
Speaker 1: keep this the lovely cadence of two episodes per week.
2:29
Speaker 1: So not exactly sure when this particular episode is getting released.
2:33
Speaker 1: I think it's still before the baby's born lo, but
2:37
Speaker 1: I'm heavily pregnant. So if you're watching the video version
2:39
Speaker 1: of this, you can see I'm wearing one of these
2:42
Speaker 1: these bands. Oh my god, it's so extreme. And yesterday
2:45
Speaker 1: I went on this walk with one of my best friends,
2:48
Speaker 1: Lucy Jackson. If you guys, listen to Happy Hour with
2:50
Speaker 1: Lucy and Nikki with fucking lou scene Lucky Jackson. And
2:54
Speaker 1: when we walk, we get in the zone and we
2:56
Speaker 1: start like we start talking really fast, and the faster
2:59
Speaker 1: we talk, the faster we So we went on this
3:01
Speaker 1: like eleven twelve thousand step power walk around the city
3:06
Speaker 1: and the Harbor Bridge and Barangaroo. By the end of it,
3:08
Speaker 1: I felt fine at the time, so it's not like
3:10
Speaker 1: I wasn't listening to my body. By the end of it,
3:12
Speaker 1: I got home and I'm like, my pelvis hurts so much.
3:17
Speaker 1: The rest of the day, I felt bruised. It would
3:19
Speaker 1: hurt to like stand up and start moving. It was
3:22
Speaker 1: really bad. Had a really long sleep, and this morning
3:25
Speaker 1: I'm feeling a lot better. It's not one hundred percent,
3:27
Speaker 1: but I'm feeling a lot better. So I feel like
3:28
Speaker 1: it's gotten to that point where now if I, you know,
3:31
Speaker 1: walk too much for a prolong period of time or
3:32
Speaker 1: too fast, it's going to start to like weigh in
3:35
Speaker 1: on my pelvis. So good to know. Now I've just
3:38
Speaker 1: got to reel it in a little bit. But it's
3:40
Speaker 1: not detrimental this like that, pelvic girdle pain isn't detrimental
3:43
Speaker 1: to the actual babies. It's just painful for the mother.
3:46
Speaker 1: So love that anyway. That's my laugh update, fun times,
3:50
Speaker 1: pelvic girdle pain. Here for the ride. Now let's get
3:55
Speaker 1: straight into the episode of today. Let's not fuck around.
3:58
Speaker 1: The first thing we're going to talk about is what
4:00
Speaker 1: is loneliness exactly? Okay, because loneliness is not just a
4:05
Speaker 1: lack of people. You will find people that just have
4:08
Speaker 1: the smallest inner circle that do not suffer from loneliness. Okay,
4:12
Speaker 1: it is a lack of connection. Now, when I talk
4:16
Speaker 1: about my three pillars of happiness, which I feel like
4:18
Speaker 1: I've got to do a whole episode specifically on just that.
4:22
Speaker 1: But when we talk about my three pillars of happiness,
4:25
Speaker 1: which is growth, connection, and purpose, connection is one of
4:30
Speaker 1: the key foundations to happiness, to feeling happy, Okay, and
4:35
Speaker 1: that's what loneliness is when people lack connection, they feel isolated,
4:39
Speaker 1: they feel detached, and it starts to affect their mental health.
4:42
Speaker 1: So you can it's kind of like this feeling of
4:48
Speaker 1: loneliness is kind of the gap between the connection that
4:51
Speaker 1: you want and what you're actually feeling right now, which
4:56
Speaker 1: might be like really shit connection, really surface level, like
4:58
Speaker 1: quote unquote connection when you I don't actually feel connected
5:01
Speaker 1: to anyone, You don't feel heard, you don't feel like
5:03
Speaker 1: you're there for someone else, you don't feel like someone's
5:05
Speaker 1: leaning on you, and you can't lean on someone else.
5:07
Speaker 1: Is that kind of feeling, right? And it's like I said,
5:10
Speaker 1: it's got nothing to do with numbers. It's about quality,
5:12
Speaker 1: it's about resonance. It's about this emotional intensity within the connection. Okay, now,
5:21
Speaker 1: even people in long term relationships who are because if
5:27
Speaker 1: you're standing there thinking, yeah, I'm fucking lonely. I've wanted
5:30
Speaker 1: a partner for years, and if I just had a partner,
5:33
Speaker 1: if I only had this, if I only had that, Unfortunately,
5:37
Speaker 1: that's not even the answer. It's about the quality of
5:40
Speaker 1: the connection. Because there are people in long term relationships
5:44
Speaker 1: with active social lives who feel very like misunderstood, they
5:51
Speaker 1: don't feel seen, they don't feel heard, they don't feel safe,
5:54
Speaker 1: and therefore they feel lonely. I've said this before, but
5:58
Speaker 1: one of the loneliest times I have ever felt in
6:01
Speaker 1: my life, like true loneliness, where it was seriously affecting
6:05
Speaker 1: my mental health, and that's that I've got a close
6:07
Speaker 1: knit family, was when I was in a really unhealthy relationship.
6:11
Speaker 1: And the reason for that is because, on top of
6:13
Speaker 1: the fact that I felt emotionally isolated within my relationship,
6:17
Speaker 1: even though I saw this my partner all the time,
6:20
Speaker 1: like literally every day, I felt unsafe, I felt unheard,
6:25
Speaker 1: I felt unsupported, And on top of that, even though
6:29
Speaker 1: I've got a very close knit family and good friends,
6:31
Speaker 1: I was withholding a lot of information about how I
6:34
Speaker 1: was truly feeling because I didn't want the people closest
6:37
Speaker 1: to me to really see what was going on behind
6:39
Speaker 1: closed doors in my unhealthy relationship. So therefore, this withholding
6:43
Speaker 1: of information, this lack of connection of really opening up
6:47
Speaker 1: and being vulnerable to the people that are super close
6:49
Speaker 1: to me, was causing me to feel lonely erh. So
6:52
Speaker 1: it's not like I was the loneliest person in the
6:54
Speaker 1: world because I still had these like this good support
6:56
Speaker 1: network that I could turn to if I wanted to.
6:59
Speaker 1: It's that I was taking active steps to isolate myself
7:02
Speaker 1: to try and protect my partner, and therefore I felt
7:06
Speaker 1: way lonelier in that relationship, like beyond I can't even
7:10
Speaker 1: compare then I did after we broke up, when I
7:13
Speaker 1: was single for three years, way lonelier. Okay, then when
7:16
Speaker 1: I was single and alone in my bedroom just at
7:20
Speaker 1: peace watching a Netflix movie. Right. So that's the difference
7:24
Speaker 1: between loneliness or solitude. And sorry, that's the difference between
7:30
Speaker 1: loneliness and solitude being alone and but enjoying your company.
7:34
Speaker 1: Now let's talk. So that's what we're talking about, what
7:36
Speaker 1: loneliness is. Now, we're talking about kind of the psychological
7:39
Speaker 1: roots and the biological roots. Okay, So as we know
7:42
Speaker 1: humans are wide for connection. Obviously we are community based creatures.
7:46
Speaker 1: We can't. We're not animals of solitude. Some animals are.
7:48
Speaker 1: We are not, Okay. So because of that, being lonely
7:53
Speaker 1: is a threat, being isolated is a threat. We need
7:56
Speaker 1: community to survive, Okay, from a primitive standpoint, but also
7:59
Speaker 1: for a very modern standpoint, we need community to survive Okay,
8:04
Speaker 1: so loneliness will trigger similar pathways within the brain that
8:08
Speaker 1: physical prain will trigger. Okay, so when that is triggered chronically,
8:15
Speaker 1: that's what then causes chronic stress, chronic illness. I'm going
8:19
Speaker 1: to go into that a little bit further on what
8:21
Speaker 1: exactly happens in the brain. And then because of that,
8:25
Speaker 1: it starts to affect your psychology, your beliefs, your thoughts
8:31
Speaker 1: around other people, other groups of people. You start to
8:37
Speaker 1: kind of feel like no one cares about me, it's
8:40
Speaker 1: me against the world. Then you start to kind of
8:42
Speaker 1: reinforce these feelings, whether it's true or not. That's where
8:46
Speaker 1: your thoughts and your beliefs start to go. And then
8:48
Speaker 1: you can imagine how that can then cause an even
8:51
Speaker 1: deeper spiral of loneliness. Okay, it often looks like other
8:56
Speaker 1: things as well. It doesn't immediately crop up as something
8:59
Speaker 1: that you can acknowledge with yourself being like I am lonely.
9:01
Speaker 1: This is the problem because some people can, but other
9:04
Speaker 1: people it's like you're irritable. It's kind of like a numbness.
9:09
Speaker 1: You've got a disinterest in things because of the lack
9:11
Speaker 1: of connection. So you could be doing these things, but
9:13
Speaker 1: you don't feel very interested in them. A big one,
9:16
Speaker 1: and like I just gave you the example before, is
9:19
Speaker 1: an over attachment to really unhealthy relationships just to avoid
9:23
Speaker 1: feeling left out. Okay, so that's not just romantically, although
9:26
Speaker 1: that's a big one, but also with friendships. A lot
9:29
Speaker 1: of people that write into me and they're like, my
9:32
Speaker 1: friendship's group is, and then they proceed to name like
9:35
Speaker 1: just this awful experience on a day to day basis
9:38
Speaker 1: of what they're exposed to with their friends, and then
9:40
Speaker 1: they're like, but I can't leave the friendship group because
9:43
Speaker 1: then I'll have no one. So this is a prime
9:45
Speaker 1: example of someone who's very lonely and masking it with
9:48
Speaker 1: the fact that they are just surrounded by other individuals,
9:51
Speaker 1: even though those individuals are really unhealthy for them and
9:53
Speaker 1: it's not doing anything for their loneliness. Sometimes we think, well,
9:57
Speaker 1: I'll be even more lonely, but you won't, because loneliness
10:01
Speaker 1: is not exclusive to not having friends. Loneliness is the
10:05
Speaker 1: lack of healthy connection. So if you are with unhealthy people,
10:10
Speaker 1: don't think that leaving the unhealthy people and having no
10:12
Speaker 1: one and make you more lonely, because it won't. You'll
10:14
Speaker 1: be probably less lonely because at least you'll have a
10:17
Speaker 1: bit of peace of mind, they'll be less stress, you'll
10:19
Speaker 1: start to like self regulate your emotions a little bit better. Okay,
10:22
Speaker 1: but it is this over attachment to toxic relationships. If
10:25
Speaker 1: you're sitting there thinking, wow, why do I feel like
10:27
Speaker 1: I have to have these people in my life? Is
10:29
Speaker 1: because you are lonely. You are lonely, and we need
10:32
Speaker 1: to start to turn that around. We need to start
10:34
Speaker 1: making healthier decisions for you so you could not feel
10:36
Speaker 1: that way. Another one is staying like forcing yourself to
10:40
Speaker 1: stay really busy so you never have to sit with
10:42
Speaker 1: that feeling of loneliness, sit with that feeling of acknowledging
10:45
Speaker 1: that that's actually what's happening. And then of course the
10:49
Speaker 1: typical like distraction like doom scrolling, constantly checking your phone,
10:52
Speaker 1: having crazy fomo even with people that you may not
10:56
Speaker 1: even be that close to or you know that you
10:58
Speaker 1: may not even like that much, but feeling like you're
11:01
Speaker 1: missing out all the time with things that you might
11:04
Speaker 1: not even want to be there, but you just feel
11:06
Speaker 1: like you're missing out because you feel like you're craving
11:08
Speaker 1: that connection so much. Now, attachment wounds and loneliness. We'll
11:13
Speaker 1: go into that a little bit. Loneliness can feel quite
11:19
Speaker 1: familiar to you if you didn't have like an emotionally
11:22
Speaker 1: safe or like an upbringing as a child, if you
11:27
Speaker 1: didn't feel completely accepted as a child, this might be
11:33
Speaker 1: quite a normal feeling. It doesn't feel good, but you're like, oh, well,
11:36
Speaker 1: this is just the norm. This is kind of just
11:37
Speaker 1: my life. Where you felt like real connection was kind
11:41
Speaker 1: of difficult to achieve or to obtain because you didn't
11:44
Speaker 1: have it as a child, and therefore that kind of
11:46
Speaker 1: translates across into adulthood. But this can be changed at
11:50
Speaker 1: any point in your life. Just because you weren't used
11:52
Speaker 1: to having true, safe, healthy connections as a kid because
11:57
Speaker 1: of the attachment style maybe with your parentsy family, or
11:59
Speaker 1: your care, it doesn't mean that you're not then capable
12:02
Speaker 1: of having that later on in life. You can turn
12:04
Speaker 1: that around at any point. Okay. It's also a feeling
12:08
Speaker 1: of if you have like attachment issues as far as
12:12
Speaker 1: like when we talk about the different attachment like we
12:14
Speaker 1: talk about attachment styles and attachment theory. If you feel
12:16
Speaker 1: like there are problems with how you attach, you can
12:20
Speaker 1: start to feel like you're too much or not enough
12:24
Speaker 1: for a genuine close connection. So you start to put
12:27
Speaker 1: like criteria and parameters for the kind of person that
12:30
Speaker 1: you have to be to be deserving of connection, which
12:33
Speaker 1: is not the case. Obviously you can't be at wanka.
12:36
Speaker 1: But in general, everyone's going to come with, you know,
12:38
Speaker 1: the good and the bad. And you know, we always
12:42
Speaker 1: accept in general, without a person being an asshole. We
12:45
Speaker 1: always accept kind of the whole spectrum of that person's personality. Okay,
12:52
Speaker 1: then we've got this belief that becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Okay,
12:58
Speaker 1: so this is you can keep people at arm's length
13:01
Speaker 1: to avoid rejection because you're so used to being rejected
13:04
Speaker 1: and it's quite painful and it just opens up the
13:07
Speaker 1: wounds every time. But then you end up confirming that
13:09
Speaker 1: you really are being rejected because you're not wanting to
13:14
Speaker 1: do anything that's going to bring people closer in. And
13:15
Speaker 1: then that keeps confirm and confirm and confirming this same belief.
13:18
Speaker 1: Then you feel more and more and more detached. You
13:20
Speaker 1: feel detached, so then you begin to detach, and then
13:23
Speaker 1: you reject any kind of bid for connection because you're like,
13:27
Speaker 1: this is going to open a wound sense sense. Now,
13:37
Speaker 1: let's talk about what happens in the brain when you
13:41
Speaker 1: are lonely. So the first one, like I said, is
13:44
Speaker 1: the brain processes loneliness like physical pain. I brushed on that.
13:49
Speaker 1: It's this anterior singular cortex, this particular region in the
13:52
Speaker 1: brain which lights up during isolation or social rejection. Okay,
13:57
Speaker 1: so it actually physically, it's like it's pain signals within
14:02
Speaker 1: the brain, and it's kind of your brain telling you
14:06
Speaker 1: pay attention. This is a warning sign disconnection, being disconnected,
14:09
Speaker 1: being isolated is dangerous because it is for many reasons. Okay,
14:13
Speaker 1: this is why, Like obviously, like I said, loneliness can
14:16
Speaker 1: lead to unhealthy relationships. It can lead us to start
14:19
Speaker 1: thinking that people in general are not good for us
14:23
Speaker 1: because we're so scared of being hurt that we're like,
14:25
Speaker 1: I don't want to go down that path. I don't
14:27
Speaker 1: want to go down that path. And then you start
14:28
Speaker 1: feeling that divide if it's me against the world kind
14:31
Speaker 1: of thing. Right. Narcissists bank on isolating you, Okay, because
14:37
Speaker 1: consciously or unconsciously, whether they are aware of it acutely
14:41
Speaker 1: or not, they know that when you are lonely, quote
14:45
Speaker 1: unquote as far as emotionally isolated from your inner circle,
14:50
Speaker 1: you are way more likely to need them and therefore
14:53
Speaker 1: way more likely to stay. They can then manipulate you.
14:56
Speaker 1: They can then get you in a position where they
14:58
Speaker 1: can control you, and they can have you be the
15:00
Speaker 1: person that they want you to be in order to
15:02
Speaker 1: serve their needs. Okay, So when you feel lonely and disconnected,
15:07
Speaker 1: you feel threatened in danger, and then you feel like
15:10
Speaker 1: you need the narcissists. So it's a very unhealthy kind
15:12
Speaker 1: of dynamic. But I'm sure many many of us can
15:16
Speaker 1: relate if we've been in that kind of situation where
15:18
Speaker 1: we've been in a really unhealthy relationship where it's caused
15:22
Speaker 1: us to kind of push away the people closest to
15:25
Speaker 1: us in order to stay with this one person. We
15:28
Speaker 1: become really codependent, we become super attached, and then we
15:31
Speaker 1: feel like there's no way out. That's strategic, Okay, people
15:35
Speaker 1: do that, people in unhealthy relationships, in particular narcissists. It
15:39
Speaker 1: is a strategy to get you to need them, because
15:42
Speaker 1: narcissists want power. It's not about love, but it's about
15:45
Speaker 1: power and control. Okay. Now, another thing, the amygdala, this
15:50
Speaker 1: fear center in your brain will become more active when
15:53
Speaker 1: we are experiencing loneliness. Okay, so it's more sensitive, it's
15:57
Speaker 1: more active. We are way more likely when we are
16:01
Speaker 1: lonely to interpret neutral cues social cues as a threat
16:07
Speaker 1: or judgmental or negative instead of just being what it
16:11
Speaker 1: is being neutral. So if someone was to sigh right,
16:16
Speaker 1: you're like, oh my god, they're judging what I said.
16:19
Speaker 1: They're like that was targeted at me, that was this whatever,
16:22
Speaker 1: when maybe they just were like like that. Instantly you
16:26
Speaker 1: interpreted it something bad. If someone makes a comment, you're
16:29
Speaker 1: you're gonna think, oh that, you know, you just start
16:32
Speaker 1: interpreting things in a much more negative light because that's
16:35
Speaker 1: where your bias is. Because your fear centers are going crazy. Okay,
16:39
Speaker 1: you're gonna assume that people don't like you, even if
16:43
Speaker 1: it's not true, even if there's no foundation behind it,
16:46
Speaker 1: because you are scanning for rejection all the time. You're
16:49
Speaker 1: looking for any clue that could lead to being like,
16:51
Speaker 1: I knew it. I knew it. That person doesn't like me,
16:53
Speaker 1: they don't like me. I've got to stay away from them. Okay,
16:56
Speaker 1: And again it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy because you
16:59
Speaker 1: use this to fuel your reason for why social interaction
17:02
Speaker 1: is so hard and why people just don't want to
17:04
Speaker 1: bond with you, and why you shouldn't just bother anyway.
17:06
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna bother because I always have such a
17:09
Speaker 1: bad time people always like people just don't like me,
17:11
Speaker 1: or people like I don't know what it is, but
17:12
Speaker 1: I'm just really unlucky. And then you keep fueling, fueling,
17:15
Speaker 1: fueling because your brain is looking for clues to be like, ah,
17:19
Speaker 1: they're rejecting you, ah, when in reality, and as hard
17:22
Speaker 1: as it is to see, because it's not like you're
17:24
Speaker 1: choosing to lie to yourself, this is kind of a
17:26
Speaker 1: trick that's getting that you're unintentionally playing on yourself. In reality,
17:29
Speaker 1: a lot of those things that you're using as reasons
17:32
Speaker 1: to not connect with people are just neutral, and that
17:35
Speaker 1: person never had anything negative thinking to think about you.
17:39
Speaker 1: We've just interpreted it that way, okay. Loneliness also triggers
17:44
Speaker 1: a stress response, So when you feel isolated, your brain's
17:47
Speaker 1: gonna activate your hypothalamic petuitary adrenal acxis okay, it's gonna
17:52
Speaker 1: release cortisol, which is your main stress hormone. And you
17:54
Speaker 1: know how I talk about cortisol being great when it's
17:58
Speaker 1: used for it its proper purpose. But cortisol when released
18:02
Speaker 1: chronically over time a lot, like just constantly releasing cortsol,
18:07
Speaker 1: is a problem for many reasons. Obviously, that's acute stress.
18:10
Speaker 1: I mean sorry, chronic stress, not acute stress. So that
18:13
Speaker 1: turns into chronic stress. And the problem with releasing too
18:16
Speaker 1: much cortisol over an extended period of time is that
18:19
Speaker 1: when you want the spike of cortsol when you want
18:21
Speaker 1: to act, when you want to perform, when you need
18:22
Speaker 1: the oof to like I need to fuck it, you
18:24
Speaker 1: don't get it either. So it's not like, oh, I've
18:27
Speaker 1: got so much cortisol, and now when I want to perform,
18:29
Speaker 1: I can get an even better spike of cortisol. It's
18:31
Speaker 1: actually the opposite. People with consistent levels, like with healthier
18:34
Speaker 1: levels of cortisol, it's kind of here's here here, But
18:37
Speaker 1: when they need it, bang, they can access a spike
18:39
Speaker 1: of cortisol. Right, I'm going to exit bank spike of cortsol.
18:41
Speaker 1: I'm going to do these things that are going to
18:43
Speaker 1: GEMI up so I can actually perform. People with chronic
18:46
Speaker 1: stress have elevated chronic levels of cortisol, but they can't
18:49
Speaker 1: get the spikes that they need for performance. So it's
18:53
Speaker 1: actually really fucking annoying. And then of course when we've
18:57
Speaker 1: got chronically higher levels of cortisol doesn't drop back down,
19:01
Speaker 1: that then affects your overall health, your immunity, your digestion,
19:05
Speaker 1: It impacts your sleep, it keeps you in this alert mode.
19:09
Speaker 1: It's going to impact then other health things as well,
19:12
Speaker 1: like your digestion, probably your skin is blowing up and
19:14
Speaker 1: all of that. Then another thing is that the default
19:18
Speaker 1: mode network gets very noisy. I've got an entire episode
19:20
Speaker 1: on the default mode network. Go look it up, check
19:22
Speaker 1: it out. It's great. But it's basically this kind of
19:26
Speaker 1: the network that's active when you're not actively focusing on something.
19:30
Speaker 1: It's kind of when you're daydreaming, when you're kind of
19:32
Speaker 1: doing that self reflection, when you're doing something kind of
19:35
Speaker 1: on autopilot and your brain's are that is your default
19:38
Speaker 1: mode network. Some people have a really healthy one. Some
19:40
Speaker 1: people have a really awful one, and that's why they
19:42
Speaker 1: always try to distract themselves. They can't sit with their thoughts. Okay,
19:46
Speaker 1: so when you're alone and feeling rejected. This default mode
19:49
Speaker 1: network is going to go crazy, kind of turning up
19:52
Speaker 1: the volume on negative self talk. It's kind of like
19:56
Speaker 1: your default network is a big indicator. It's like a
20:00
Speaker 1: an alarm system for how satisfied you are with yourself
20:03
Speaker 1: or with your life. Okay, and when it's affected, you're
20:08
Speaker 1: going to start to notice, oh my god, all my
20:10
Speaker 1: thoughts are really bad, they're really negative. Obviously, this is
20:12
Speaker 1: an indicator of how feeling towards my life. It's a
20:15
Speaker 1: very much like a feed forward loop that's happening within
20:18
Speaker 1: the brain. Okay, So loneliness cultivates more loneliness, and then
20:22
Speaker 1: our beliefs are going to influence our subconscious thoughts, which
20:25
Speaker 1: influence how we interact with the world based on these beliefs,
20:29
Speaker 1: and that it influences the outcome of how people interact
20:31
Speaker 1: with us. So if I'm got this narrative, my default
20:35
Speaker 1: moment network, oh my god, everyone is judging me, no
20:38
Speaker 1: one wants to spend time with me. Everyone. And then
20:41
Speaker 1: I go and interact with the stranger. I'm going to
20:43
Speaker 1: be standoffish, I'm going to be a lot colder, I'm
20:46
Speaker 1: going to be really reserved in how I behave because
20:48
Speaker 1: I'm like, I just don't want them to judge me
20:50
Speaker 1: more than they already are judging me. I'm going to
20:51
Speaker 1: and then because of this, this person's not going to
20:54
Speaker 1: give me much. Even if they're like, oh yeah, I
20:55
Speaker 1: like this person, they're going to be like, oh they're cold,
20:57
Speaker 1: they're not interested, They've got their walls up for whatever reason.
21:01
Speaker 1: Even if they're not judging you, they just get the
21:03
Speaker 1: vibe that you're not here for connection. So they're gonna
21:05
Speaker 1: step right back and not offer a bid for connection.
21:08
Speaker 1: And then you're gonna be like, see, see all these people,
21:11
Speaker 1: not one person tried to talk to me, not wonder
21:13
Speaker 1: So then it kind of reinforces, reinforces, reinforces, and it
21:16
Speaker 1: reinforces those beliefs. So beliefs impact our behavior. Our behavior
21:20
Speaker 1: impacts how we interact with the outside world, and that
21:23
Speaker 1: then impacts how the outside world interacts with us. Okay,
21:28
Speaker 1: which is fucked. And then of course the dopamine and
21:32
Speaker 1: reward circuits are also affected. Social connection releases dopamine. We
21:37
Speaker 1: have good social connection, we get dopamine. This is your motivation,
21:40
Speaker 1: This is your feel good chemical, that's your willingness to
21:42
Speaker 1: do things. Loneliness means you're not getting as much of
21:45
Speaker 1: that nice reward you know, dopamine hit. You're getting less
21:50
Speaker 1: of that release of dopamine that's going to make you
21:51
Speaker 1: feel good. This can lead to lower mood anedonia. I
21:55
Speaker 1: think I've got a whole episode on anadonia, which is
21:57
Speaker 1: this inability to feel pleasure and of course depression over time,
22:02
Speaker 1: and then because of that we go into this kind
22:04
Speaker 1: of self protect self preservation where we begin to isolate
22:07
Speaker 1: ourselves more and more and more. So I want you
22:10
Speaker 1: to look at loneliness as kind of being like, it's
22:13
Speaker 1: not just I'm alone, it's an alarm system that's telling
22:17
Speaker 1: us I am not connected. I need to be connected.
22:20
Speaker 1: So if you're feeling lonely, that is your body saying
22:23
Speaker 1: I need connection. I'm not getting it. Okay, now let's
22:29
Speaker 1: talk about understanding the first like the steps to rewiring
22:34
Speaker 1: this connection. The first thing is to name it honestly. Okay,
22:39
Speaker 1: I want you to look at your life situation right now.
22:42
Speaker 1: Are you just someone that has no friends, has a
22:47
Speaker 1: not great relationship with your family, and you just would
22:50
Speaker 1: like to start creating some connection. You feel like you
22:53
Speaker 1: don't have your inner circle. You don't have that. That's
22:56
Speaker 1: a possibility. Are you someone that is surrounded by people,
23:00
Speaker 1: but not one of them really knows how you feel?
23:02
Speaker 1: No one ever reaches out. People think that you're really
23:05
Speaker 1: well connected because there's the quantity, but there's no quality
23:08
Speaker 1: in connection. That's a really common one. Like I said,
23:12
Speaker 1: there's people that write in about this awful friendship dynamics,
23:15
Speaker 1: and then you know they're like, oh, but I can't.
23:17
Speaker 1: You know, Sometimes the loneliest people are the ones that
23:19
Speaker 1: you'd never guess are the loneliest people because they've got
23:22
Speaker 1: people around them all the time. Are you in a
23:24
Speaker 1: really unhealthy relationship where you feel fucking isolated and terrified
23:27
Speaker 1: to leave because you think if I now left this relationship,
23:30
Speaker 1: I would have no one. But the truth is you're
23:32
Speaker 1: not going to be more lonely than you are right
23:35
Speaker 1: now where you feel this inability to express yourself or
23:38
Speaker 1: you feel emotionally unsafe. You will never feel more lonely
23:42
Speaker 1: than when you're emotionally unsafe in an unhealthy relationship. That's
23:45
Speaker 1: the loneliest. That is the height of your loneliness. Trust me,
23:49
Speaker 1: being single, you're not going to feel more lonely. I
23:51
Speaker 1: can guarantee that to you because you don't have the
23:54
Speaker 1: additional emotional manipulation or emotional abuse going on on top
23:58
Speaker 1: of that. Okay, got to name it. You got to say,
24:01
Speaker 1: I feel lonely because dot dot dot. Because while I
24:06
Speaker 1: have a quantity of friends, there's no quality because I
24:10
Speaker 1: can't remember the last time that I had a DNM
24:13
Speaker 1: with someone where we really asked each other about each
24:15
Speaker 1: other's feelings. Because I can't name one person in my
24:18
Speaker 1: life that I could call on on my hour of
24:20
Speaker 1: need and they would drop everything and be there for
24:22
Speaker 1: me because dot dot dot. So I really get clear
24:24
Speaker 1: on what loneliness is to you. Okay. The next thing
24:29
Speaker 1: is of course distinguished between solitude and loneliness, because you
24:33
Speaker 1: could be listening to this being like, yeah, I'm very isolated,
24:36
Speaker 1: but I don't feel any of that stuff. I'm a
24:38
Speaker 1: major introvert. I do not like socializing. Then that's not unhealthy.
24:42
Speaker 1: There is absolutely nothing wrong with being like I don't
24:46
Speaker 1: want to be around people, but I really am calmer
24:49
Speaker 1: when I just have like my one or two friends
24:51
Speaker 1: around me. That's just more solitude versus loneliness. Loneliness, like
24:56
Speaker 1: I said, is a it's a lack of death of connection.
25:01
Speaker 1: It's not necessarily about how many people you have in
25:04
Speaker 1: your life or anything like that. Okay, the next thing
25:08
Speaker 1: is start to ask yourself with the people that are
25:11
Speaker 1: in my life, how much of them do I connect
25:14
Speaker 1: with because they match my values, because they match my
25:19
Speaker 1: kind of personality? And how many of them is it
25:22
Speaker 1: because they match my timetable, my calendar because they're the
25:29
Speaker 1: obvious option because we went to high school together. Like,
25:33
Speaker 1: how much of it is it out of quote unquote convenience?
25:35
Speaker 1: A friendship of convenience where it's just stayed versus you're
25:39
Speaker 1: actually connected with this person because they match your values,
25:43
Speaker 1: and that is really really important. If we can't find
25:46
Speaker 1: people that we seek resonance with, we are actually wasting
25:49
Speaker 1: our time staying with this group of people that there
25:53
Speaker 1: is no connection possible. I'm not saying, oh, I've got
25:56
Speaker 1: this lovely friend, but we just don't really voe, so
26:00
Speaker 1: I'm gonna cut this front out of my life. I'm
26:02
Speaker 1: not saying that at all. That's far from what I'm saying.
26:05
Speaker 1: But I am saying if you are in one of
26:07
Speaker 1: those situations where you're like, I feel so disconnected to
26:09
Speaker 1: this group of people, It is just not right, but
26:11
Speaker 1: you're calling them your friends. And then because you're spending
26:14
Speaker 1: time and investing time with these people, feeling less and
26:17
Speaker 1: less and less connected, you're less likely to then go
26:20
Speaker 1: and reach out and find people, whether it be through
26:24
Speaker 1: like you know, catch up groups or forums or in
26:26
Speaker 1: your own city or town or whatever. You're less likely
26:30
Speaker 1: to go and reach out and look for those connections
26:32
Speaker 1: because you're like, oh, I have my friendship group, so
26:34
Speaker 1: really identify, But am I connected? Do I feel a
26:38
Speaker 1: depth in this connection with these people? Now, if you
26:41
Speaker 1: feel very disconnected, something doing an activity where you are
26:46
Speaker 1: around people, like even passively, is really really helpful for connection. Like,
26:53
Speaker 1: go and do a class, go and do a workshop somewhere.
26:57
Speaker 1: Just being around people with a sharing your energy, even
27:01
Speaker 1: if you're not getting a crazy depth of connection, starts
27:03
Speaker 1: to lift you out of that. So let's say you're like,
27:05
Speaker 1: I really like drawing. I'm very lonely, I have no
27:08
Speaker 1: friends or no close friends. I really like drawing. Instead
27:11
Speaker 1: of doing an online drawing class, why don't I find
27:14
Speaker 1: a class where I can actually draw and I'm around
27:17
Speaker 1: people that are witnessing me and I'm witnessing them. Maybe
27:22
Speaker 1: we can share some laughs within the class. Maybe I
27:24
Speaker 1: can have a comment, and then I can have a
27:26
Speaker 1: nice interaction with somebody. These little things, while they're not
27:30
Speaker 1: your best friends yet, or while they may not ever be,
27:33
Speaker 1: you start to realize, wait a minute, it's not everyone
27:37
Speaker 1: is against me. It's not that the world is against me.
27:39
Speaker 1: It's that I've had a bad run, and I'm now
27:41
Speaker 1: turning that around, and I'm now seeing that when I'm
27:44
Speaker 1: in a class drawing with other people that love drawing,
27:46
Speaker 1: we're sharing a passion. We're lighthearted. It's really nice. I
27:50
Speaker 1: left that class. I said bye to everyone. I said,
27:52
Speaker 1: it was so nice to me you. Maybe I exchanged numbers,
27:55
Speaker 1: maybe I didn't, but I left that class feeling like, oh, actually,
28:00
Speaker 1: really nice interaction with the total strangers. That was really nice. Okay,
28:03
Speaker 1: So even if it's not like, the aim doesn't have
28:06
Speaker 1: to be. I've got to leave here with someone's number
28:08
Speaker 1: and a coffee date, so I can no just be
28:12
Speaker 1: around people, be witnessed and witness other people doing things. Okay,
28:16
Speaker 1: Then that starts to warm you up. It starts to
28:19
Speaker 1: soften that self fulfilling prophecy that we have that the
28:22
Speaker 1: world is against us. Okay. Then another thing is pay
28:27
Speaker 1: attention to the connection with yourself as well. So this
28:31
Speaker 1: is where we start to allow ourselves to sit with
28:34
Speaker 1: our thoughts. Okay, a lot of this feeling of isolation
28:39
Speaker 1: and disconnection is that we avoid our own thoughts as well.
28:42
Speaker 1: So start to sit with your thoughts and ask yourself
28:44
Speaker 1: where did this stem from? And is that really the truth?
28:47
Speaker 1: Is it possible that I'm looking at a neutral thing
28:50
Speaker 1: as a negative thing based on my experiences so far,
28:54
Speaker 1: and if I want to change my experiences moving forward,
28:56
Speaker 1: can I look at that that thing that happened and
28:59
Speaker 1: make a positive thing. Can I take that neutral thing
29:02
Speaker 1: and instead of taking it negative, can I make it positive?
29:04
Speaker 1: Can I spend more time just also connecting with nature,
29:08
Speaker 1: connecting with my pets. You know, journaling is really good
29:12
Speaker 1: because it's a lot of it's a lot of self reflection,
29:14
Speaker 1: so reflecting on how we feel and paying attention. At
29:18
Speaker 1: the beginning, you'll hate it because when you first start
29:21
Speaker 1: listening to your thoughts, especially if they're not nice thoughts,
29:24
Speaker 1: You're like, fuck this shit, this is like I'm bullying myself.
29:28
Speaker 1: Who's going to expose themselves to that? Like I'm not
29:30
Speaker 1: about it that's you know, versus you do it the
29:34
Speaker 1: first time, it's not that pleasant. You do it the
29:36
Speaker 1: second time, it's a little bit calmer. By the sixth
29:39
Speaker 1: seventh time, you've gotten your head around these thoughts and
29:42
Speaker 1: you're getting a deeper understanding of where these thoughts stem from,
29:44
Speaker 1: and then like you can do it more and more
29:46
Speaker 1: and more. Okay, it's kind of like we're trying to
29:50
Speaker 1: heal this internal voice that says, no one gets me.
29:55
Speaker 1: We don't want to feel that way. The aim is
29:57
Speaker 1: not to be like, yeah, I'm gonna connects with myself
30:00
Speaker 1: and be like it's made against the world, no one
30:02
Speaker 1: to understand. It's more connecting with myself, being like where
30:05
Speaker 1: did these patterns start? Where did I start getting influenced
30:08
Speaker 1: in this way to feel like that? And it's not
30:12
Speaker 1: to say it's all lies. Maybe something horrible happened at school,
30:14
Speaker 1: Maybe I had a terrible femine connection. So I can
30:16
Speaker 1: acknowledge that, and instead of thinking the world is against me,
30:19
Speaker 1: you can be like, no, it was that had a
30:21
Speaker 1: bad experience here, but that's not a reflection of everything else.
30:23
Speaker 1: It's not a reflection of the rest of the world.
30:25
Speaker 1: Then you start to soften, you start being less universal
30:27
Speaker 1: and catastrophic with your language, and you start to get
30:30
Speaker 1: a bit more specific on it was this thing that's
30:32
Speaker 1: made me feel this way and that thing, but now
30:34
Speaker 1: I'm no longer part of that, so I can start
30:36
Speaker 1: to branch out and feel a bit better, okay, and
30:39
Speaker 1: then try to be the one who initiates certain things.
30:44
Speaker 1: And I'm not saying go down the road, find an
30:46
Speaker 1: absolute stranger and freak them out by being like, can
30:48
Speaker 1: I have your number? So we can start like then
30:51
Speaker 1: they obviously would reject you because they're like, please get
30:53
Speaker 1: away from me, and then you're like, see, everyone rejects.
30:56
Speaker 1: So I'm not talking about that, but if you did
30:58
Speaker 1: go to this class, you could be like, oh, what's
31:01
Speaker 1: your Instagram? Let's feel like it's so it's so fucking
31:04
Speaker 1: easy to do that. Or so my cousin and I
31:06
Speaker 1: went and we did this puzzling competition. We did the
31:10
Speaker 1: puzzling competition. By the way, update, Life, fucking update. We
31:13
Speaker 1: came fiftieth. I was like top ten, top ten, We
31:15
Speaker 1: didn't crack the hour mark and we came fiftieth loll.
31:18
Speaker 1: But there was another one hundred and I think fifty
31:21
Speaker 1: people after us. So we did pretty well. We got
31:22
Speaker 1: an hour and two minutes. The puzzle was really hard,
31:25
Speaker 1: but we had so much fun. And we turned and
31:27
Speaker 1: we saw this couple that was right next to us
31:29
Speaker 1: sharing the table, and we turned to them and we
31:32
Speaker 1: said something as simple as is this your first time
31:35
Speaker 1: doing this? And then straight away they're like, oh my god, no,
31:38
Speaker 1: we've done this. This is our second time that we've done this,
31:40
Speaker 1: and like, you know, we kind of improved in our times.
31:42
Speaker 1: We really should have been practicing a bit more. And
31:44
Speaker 1: we're like, oh, this is our first time, and then
31:46
Speaker 1: we start chatting. Then as we're doing it. At one
31:49
Speaker 1: point they were like, you guys are actually doing really well.
31:52
Speaker 1: You're doing you know, you guys are doing well, Like
31:54
Speaker 1: keep it up. So then they started encouraging us and
31:56
Speaker 1: before like we would have easily gotten their numbers after
31:58
Speaker 1: we just ended up leaving early than they left, so
32:01
Speaker 1: we didn't. But it's kind of a seamless interaction with somebody. Seamless.
32:06
Speaker 1: You'll be amazed, amazed at how open people are to
32:10
Speaker 1: connection when you just throw out a bit for connection.
32:13
Speaker 1: And that's why I say do a class or do
32:16
Speaker 1: something like that, because you know, go to a puzzle swap. Lol,
32:21
Speaker 1: just become me and go to a puzzle swap and
32:23
Speaker 1: go to a puzzle comp because people are just there
32:25
Speaker 1: for a fucking good time. They don't give a fuck.
32:27
Speaker 1: They're like, we're fuck lol, we've registered for this random competition.
32:30
Speaker 1: It's just hilarious. But people are chatting right before you
32:35
Speaker 1: know it. As we left, we're like, guys, you're probably
32:37
Speaker 1: just three minutes off. Good luck, good luck, good luck.
32:38
Speaker 1: And then we left. This is people that we've never
32:40
Speaker 1: met in our life, and they were already encouraging them.
32:42
Speaker 1: We're already. So it's very once you break the ice,
32:46
Speaker 1: you'll be like, this is actually very easy to break
32:49
Speaker 1: the ice, especially when we've got a common thing that
32:51
Speaker 1: we're working on. It's very different to like walk up
32:53
Speaker 1: to someone at a cafe being like, hey, I need
32:55
Speaker 1: a friend. Do you want to be? Very different, very different.
32:58
Speaker 1: So that's why I say involve yourself in things. So
33:00
Speaker 1: there's like that's already the segue, and then you're just
33:02
Speaker 1: talking to somebody. Okay, if you work with someone who
33:06
Speaker 1: you get along with, and you've always gotten along with,
33:09
Speaker 1: why don't you one day say hey, what are you
33:11
Speaker 1: doing for lunch. I'm just gonna go down. Do you
33:13
Speaker 1: want to join me? And if they say no, nothing's
33:17
Speaker 1: been lost. You still go down and get your lunch.
33:19
Speaker 1: Little things like that. Sometimes you think I've worked with
33:22
Speaker 1: this person for years, Why the fuck don't we take
33:25
Speaker 1: this friendship outside of work and actually go and hang out?
33:27
Speaker 1: Why not? Okay, So whenever possible, initiate a hello, initiate
33:33
Speaker 1: I think you're doing really well, initiateor hey, do you
33:34
Speaker 1: want to grab you know, it's little tiny things. Okay. Now,
33:38
Speaker 1: another one other major thing that I wanted to bring
33:42
Speaker 1: up before I wrap up the episode is one major
33:48
Speaker 1: thing that will severely impact easing your loneliness and it's
33:55
Speaker 1: going to build your self esteem is by helping others. Okay,
34:00
Speaker 1: This is massive because it shifts the focus from the
34:04
Speaker 1: negative feelings of yourself and it turns it out to
34:08
Speaker 1: be like, how can I be of assistance or of
34:11
Speaker 1: service or of help to someone that needs me. The
34:15
Speaker 1: moment you feel useful, you start to feel better about yourself.
34:20
Speaker 1: When you start to feel better about yourself, you think
34:23
Speaker 1: that other people are going to see you in a
34:25
Speaker 1: better light as well. It's impossible to feel amazing about yourself,
34:30
Speaker 1: but still think that everyone views you horribly because your
34:36
Speaker 1: opinions of yourself are going to very heavily influence how
34:38
Speaker 1: you think other people, what you think other people think
34:41
Speaker 1: about you. It's quite closely linked. And so if you decide, okay,
34:48
Speaker 1: I'm going to help someone, whether it's it could be
34:49
Speaker 1: a friend, it could be someone I already know, it
34:51
Speaker 1: could be an absolute stranger, it could be a cause,
34:54
Speaker 1: it could be something tiny, it could be something whatever.
34:58
Speaker 1: But you start turning it around to I've made a contribution,
35:03
Speaker 1: someone's day has been positively affected by me. It reminds
35:07
Speaker 1: you I actually exist in this multifaceted, connected world and
35:14
Speaker 1: I've been useful, okay, And you go from thinking no
35:18
Speaker 1: one cares about me, I don't matter. I feel on
35:20
Speaker 1: the outside, to being actually involved in something by helping. Okay.
35:26
Speaker 1: So think if you're like, well, I've got no one,
35:28
Speaker 1: I don't think volunteer. Where can you volunteer? There's a
35:31
Speaker 1: thousand places you can volunteer, And before you know, you're like, wow,
35:34
Speaker 1: I actually felt so connected to this cause, to this people.
35:38
Speaker 1: Maybe I've volunteered at There's so many fucking places you
35:42
Speaker 1: can volunteer, and I can't even begin. It could be
35:44
Speaker 1: with animals, it could be with people. It could be
35:47
Speaker 1: at something that's like a full on charity where people
35:49
Speaker 1: are really you know, or it could be literally the
35:52
Speaker 1: puzzle comp that I did the other day. Everyone that
35:53
Speaker 1: worked there was a volunteer. So it doesn't have to
35:55
Speaker 1: be even the deepest thing where there's immense suffering. You
35:58
Speaker 1: could be like, I'm gonna start with really lighthearted volunteering,
36:01
Speaker 1: and then I'm going to get really into like really
36:04
Speaker 1: you know, like emotional assistance volunteering, whatever the fuck it is.
36:09
Speaker 1: Helping someone is going to massively increase your oxytocin. When
36:15
Speaker 1: we help, our oxytocin, which is your bonding chemical, goes up.
36:19
Speaker 1: We begin to bond. Okay, we feel this sense of
36:25
Speaker 1: connection when oxytocin goes up. It is one of these
36:28
Speaker 1: strongest hormones that we can feel. It's actually the strongest
36:31
Speaker 1: release of oxytocin that a human will ever experience. Ever
36:35
Speaker 1: is when you birth a child. Apparently, well not even apparently,
36:39
Speaker 1: the science says. So it's like that then, and it's
36:44
Speaker 1: on purpose, obviously, it's so you you, whether you like
36:47
Speaker 1: it or not, you bond with this baby, right, so
36:51
Speaker 1: that's like this nature of like, oh, this crazy release
36:54
Speaker 1: of oxytocin. It's also when you hug someone, when you
36:58
Speaker 1: hold someone's hand, if you're going to kiss your partner goodbye,
37:01
Speaker 1: they say you should kiss your partner for like, you
37:03
Speaker 1: should hold that kiss for about five seconds and then
37:05
Speaker 1: you start getting this nice bonding releasing. You feel more
37:08
Speaker 1: connected with your partner. So when you help someone out,
37:11
Speaker 1: when you make eye contact with somebody, when you talk
37:14
Speaker 1: to someone, you're releasing oxytocin, okay, And that then makes
37:18
Speaker 1: us feel close, It makes us feel warmth. It creates
37:20
Speaker 1: this like chemical of bonding and you feel like you
37:24
Speaker 1: are part of a bigger thing together. Okay. It then
37:29
Speaker 1: gives you a sense of value. It like it gives
37:32
Speaker 1: you I am capable, I'm useful, I'm capable. I have
37:36
Speaker 1: impacted someone else's day. There's no way I'm that lonely.
37:40
Speaker 1: If I can positively impact someone's day, how else can
37:43
Speaker 1: I impact someone else's day? Have you feel like you've
37:47
Speaker 1: got something to offer? Instead of thinking it's me against
37:49
Speaker 1: the world, You're like, I've got something to offer. People
37:51
Speaker 1: need what I have to offer. People will make use
37:54
Speaker 1: of what I have to offer. So what else could
37:56
Speaker 1: I offer? I'm in fucking high demand now, right, So
37:59
Speaker 1: it's not just about like boosting your ego, but it's
38:02
Speaker 1: about having this shift in your own identity thinking it's
38:05
Speaker 1: you know, you against the world, this self fulfilling prophecy.
38:07
Speaker 1: No to being like I have so much to offer,
38:10
Speaker 1: I really help this person today, I can see how
38:12
Speaker 1: I could actually really positively impact many people's lives. And
38:17
Speaker 1: then because of that, I'm able to accept help as well.
38:20
Speaker 1: And then of course it creates purpose. Purpose is very
38:24
Speaker 1: powerful to like reverse the effects of loneliness. When you
38:28
Speaker 1: show up for something or someone else, you don't think,
38:32
Speaker 1: what's the point in my life? What's you know? You
38:34
Speaker 1: start thinking, I have like value, I have a sense
38:38
Speaker 1: of purpose. I feel like I've got something to wake
38:39
Speaker 1: up for today. Okay. Then of course it's going to
38:43
Speaker 1: break the isolation loop because it's giving you connection with
38:45
Speaker 1: people and it builds this emotional reciprocity. Okay, So you
38:51
Speaker 1: start to support others, they then start to warm up
38:55
Speaker 1: to you. You then start to build trust. You then
38:58
Speaker 1: start to feel an emotional connection. You then start to think, well,
39:01
Speaker 1: if this is possible, emotional connection is possible here and
39:04
Speaker 1: then it's possible here, and then it's possible here, and
39:06
Speaker 1: then before you know it, you start to feel like
39:10
Speaker 1: I feel really connected to the world. I feel like
39:12
Speaker 1: other people are just as caring to me as I
39:15
Speaker 1: have been to them. Okay, So basically that is the
39:21
Speaker 1: episode in a nutshell. I did want to like brush
39:24
Speaker 1: over some studies that were done about loneliness, just to
39:28
Speaker 1: wrap it up in case you guys wanted to do
39:29
Speaker 1: further research. But there was a particular study that came
39:35
Speaker 1: out which was called does Rejection Hurt? Where they did
39:38
Speaker 1: like an fMRI kind of study of social exclusion, and
39:42
Speaker 1: they found that this is the one that shows all
39:45
Speaker 1: these particular brain regions that activated like physical pain when
39:50
Speaker 1: people were put under like social rejection scenarios. Okay, and
39:58
Speaker 1: so that's how we're see that if emotional pain and
40:02
Speaker 1: physical pain is triggering the same areas in the brain,
40:05
Speaker 1: that's why if you're feeling that way, going do some exercise,
40:07
Speaker 1: because the dolphins are going to like sue that pain
40:09
Speaker 1: a little bit. Another one, another study that's called social
40:12
Speaker 1: regulation of gene expression in human leukosites, and it found
40:16
Speaker 1: that people that experienced chronic loneliness showed increased expression of
40:20
Speaker 1: in pro inflammatory genes and a decreased anti viral gene expression.
40:26
Speaker 1: So this is why it's going to affect your immune
40:29
Speaker 1: system and your health when you're feeling really lonely. This
40:32
Speaker 1: is why I think a lot of older people get
40:34
Speaker 1: really sick when their partner passes away, because they like
40:39
Speaker 1: they instantly have way less of a connection and they
40:41
Speaker 1: start to feel very, very lonely. So it's quite dangerous.
40:44
Speaker 1: Loneliness can also be contagious. So there's a study called
40:48
Speaker 1: a Lone in the Crowd the structure and spread of
40:50
Speaker 1: loneliness in a large social network, and it found that
40:54
Speaker 1: loneliness spreads through social networks. Okay, so being around lonely
41:00
Speaker 1: people and not actually connecting to them is going to
41:03
Speaker 1: make you also feel lonely. So this is like, it's
41:06
Speaker 1: that shift between it's not just being around people, it's
41:09
Speaker 1: being around connection, feeling like you're super connected to that individual.
41:14
Speaker 1: So good times. There's a whole bunch of other studies,
41:20
Speaker 1: but maybe I'll link those studies in my social feed instead. Guys,
41:25
Speaker 1: thank you so much for listening to this episode. Hopefully
41:27
Speaker 1: it made you feel that if you are lonely, there's
41:29
Speaker 1: many things that you can be doing right now if
41:32
Speaker 1: you are lonely. You don't have to stay in the
41:34
Speaker 1: unhealthy relationships to feel less lonely. If anything, you should
41:37
Speaker 1: be breaking out of those cycles to now completely change
41:40
Speaker 1: the narrative of how connected you are with other people.
41:44
Speaker 1: I just hope it's giving you some insight and some
41:45
Speaker 1: food for thought for yourself. Thank you so much for
41:48
Speaker 1: listening to today's episode. Guys, I love you so much.
41:50
Speaker 1: As always, remember be kind to yourself, be kind to
41:53
Speaker 1: your brain, don't text shit from anyone, and especially don't
41:55
Speaker 1: tex shit for yourself. Doug